HOLISTIC COUNSELOR

Listening To Our Gut

2011-06-14T01:20:00.000-07:00

Loss of faith in our ability to discern is one of the many areas we must grieve as we recover from the trauma of the ending of a relationship.

Yes, we can initially believe that we were deceived... but eventually we will recognize that we also played a part in the deception. We stopped practicing self care. We neglected our own gut reactions for so long that we lost touch with that inner voice... the one that tells us when something isn't quite right... long before the relationship with the partner began.

We learned our habit of ignoring the elephant in the room when we were kids in our family of origin. Then, when we went out looking for a mate, we took our dysfunctional self on the road. We may very well have been deceived... but we picked the deceiver because we learned to turn off our early warning system as kids.

When we begin to practice self care and discernment... learning to trust those who are actually trustworthy... we will restore our broken picker a little at a time. We didn't become broken overnight... we won't heal overnight.

Patience... it takes a long time to rebuild trust in ourselves... in our ability to discern when we are being fooled. We have to learn to trust our gut again... to get back in touch with our body and listen to it's signals. Most of life's communication (over 80%) is non verbal... our gut reads that language fluently.

Listen to it!

Scars, Life and Lessons

2011-06-10T01:23:00.000-07:00

Life offers us the opportunity to learn through lessons.

When we experience loss... whether through divorce or the ending of a committed relationship... we have two choices. We can waste our time... blaming our partner for their failures... or we can invest our time... examining ourselves to make the most of the lessons presented to us from the experience.

If we choose to invest our time in bettering ourselves it doesn't excuse our partner's failures but instead gives us the chance to acquire wisdom. We open ourselves to the possibility that we played some part in the failure of our relationship. If we seek knowledge with an open mind and spirit we will be shown the area in which change is necessary. Rarely do relationships fail because of the actions of only one in the partnership. Unhealthy interactions can become habitual.

Wisdom and acceptance bring us to a place of peace... a place where we become comfortable in our own skin. Acceptance allows us to incorporate our experiences... whether positive or negative... into our sense of self.

We become more as a result of all that has happened to us in life. The whole being greater than the sum of it's parts. We may even be able to share some of our wisdom with others to help them through their pain.

When we understand why we selected our partner in the first place we give ourselves the greatest of all gifts... understanding.

Scars remind us of where we've been... they don't have to dictate where we're going.

Claw Marks

2011-05-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

One of the most respected authors in the recovery field, Melody Beattie, said... Everything I have ever let go of has had claw marks on it.

Learning to let go is a lifelong process. The earliest lessons in our lives occur within our family of origin. These lessons teach us basic skills... what love feels like... how to relate to others... survival. When our family of origin is dysfunctional in some way we still learn lessons... but those lessons may be skewed. Instead of learning that love is positive and pleasurable we may learn that love equals pain. We may learn that interpersonal interaction include habits that no longer work... sending mixed messages... inability to communicate... fear of intimacy. These defense mechanisms probably served us well in the past... kept us safe... allowed us to survive in a dysfunctional environment. But these same defenses may be responsible for sabotaging our relationships in the present.

Letting go of outdated habits and defense mechanisms is hard work... but something we must strive to accomplish if we wish to succeed in our personal lives. We struggle to let go and get past the fears that keep us in emotional bondage. Lessons present themselves throughout our lives. If we pay attention and seek to learn we will grow and overcome. The lessons may be difficult but what we learn is worth the trials. Eventually we feel gratefulness for the guidance and wisdom the lessons provide. These lessons prepare us for the eventuality of letting go of this life.

Practicing self care... learning to pay attention to the lessons when we suffer losses... learning to let go... becoming grateful for the wisdom imparted via life's lessons... these are the goals of recovery.

The Rules

2011-02-06T08:23:00.000-08:00

Disagreements in relationships are normal. Life would be boring if we were all the same and agreed on everything. There would be no growth... no challenges... we would learn nothing from our interactions with one another.

Fighting... when partners follow the rules... can be productive when it's used to clear the air and settle a disagreement that is highly charged. It isn't the best way to communicate, but happens even in the best of relationships and at times is a necessary form of settling disputes... so long as partners follow the rules.

Rules:

No name calling
Stick to the subject
No bringing up past mistakes
No screaming or yelling
No disparaging remarks
No involving other parties (so and so said this or that...)
If tempers flare, take a time out and return when both parties are cool headed and centered, ready to talk

This may sound impossible...or at the very least incredibly difficult to do but it's not. It's a decision to treat your partner with the same dignity and grace... even when you're angry... that you would offer to a stranger you met in church. When partners agree to follow these rules and make it a habit... many things that should never be said... aren't. And that saves both parties a whole lot of hurt feelings and resentments.

Remember... it only gets hard to follow these rules when we are overwhelmed and out of control. If we practice self care and don't take on responsibilities that aren't ours to begin with, we will feel balanced and centered rather than used and unappreciated.

If we are feeling a great deal of resentment and anger toward our partner we may need to first do some journaling and clarify exactly what is bothering us. We then sit down with our partner when we are calm and share our feelings in a non-threatening way using "I" statements (ie: I feel ___ when you ___) instead of "you" statements (You always... you never) which communicate blame rather than feelings and put our partner on the defensive.

Learning appropriate communication isn't easy... it's a habit that needs to be repeated over and over to become a part of us... but it's so worth it. Our relationships improve dramatically when we learn to communicate in a non-threatening way. We invite our partner to share with us when we listen twice as much as we talk... thereby giving our partner a chance to share their feelings with us as well. These small changes communicate that we value our partner as equal human beings and that they are important to us.

Some of us may have learned that total honesty in a relationship included saying whatever came into our heads when we are angry or upset. This couldn't be farther from the truth. We must learn to use discernment to evaluate whether what we are feeling is accurate or not... whether what we are upset about is important in the grand scheme of things... or not... and choose our words wisely. We must remember that we are talking to someone who is our most valued and trusted friend... our best friend... and our words and actions should reflect that fact.

Always keep your words soft and sweet in case you have to eat them later.

Help... I Have Made A Terrible Mistake

2011-01-20T23:53:00.000-08:00

What happens if we leave our partner during mid life crisis only to find we made a terrible mistake?

There have been many of us who leave a long standing relationship (not always for another partner, some just for space) during mid life only to regret the decision when we realize the impact on our lives. Some of us have been fortunate enough to have sought counseling and been able to repair the rift before divorce became the only answer. Others have not been so lucky.

Looking outside ourselves for answers doesn't work. Happy isn't out there somewhere... happy is an inside job. If we aren't happy with our lives when we hit midlife it's time to reassess... not immediately look for an escape route. The level of maturity we have when midlife arrives determines how we handle it. Immature, coddled, self centered adults act out. Mature grown ups communicate.

It may be difficult or frightening to share our disappointments with our partner... but if we think clearly we will realize that they must have their own lost dreams to deal with as well. We are not the only one in the relationship. Acknowledging our limitations... becoming vulnerable... allowing ourselves to re-experience emotional intimacy... these are all paths back to wholeness.

We may have spent many years building walls instead of bridges. Our expectations must be realistic. We cannot undo what has taken years to create in a short time. Patience... hard work... honest self exploration and gentle sharing all work together to create the environment necessary to reinvent our relationship.

Confessions, Betrayal and Intimacy

2011-01-05T22:13:00.000-08:00

What do I do? My partner has had an affair which ended... has come to me to confess the betrayal... and wants to work through it in counseling to better our relationship.

We get maybe an hour to an hour and a half once a week with the counselor... let us use that time to find out what was missing in our relationship (probably emotional intimacy) that caused our partner to look elsewhere to fulfill unmet emotional needs (btw - emotional intimacy doesn't equal sex).

A fair guess is that either or both of us felt emotionally abandoned at some level long before the affair happened. If that's the case, the way to salvage the relationship and rebuild trust is to begin to give each other what was missing in the first place. People in emotionally satisfying relationships don't get involved in extramarital avenues because they aren't looking. Period. In order to avoid the trap of a repeat of the same problem later on down the line we need to create an emotionally satisfying relationship. Getting tools to accomplish that should be the focus of our counseling sessions.

We may feel that getting our questions answered will lead to figuring out why our partner looked elsewhere... to discover what was missing. But the truth is that unless each of us begins to be vulnerable to one another and risk being known with all our lumps and bumps... emotional intimacy won't be possible. The way to find out what was missing isn't by questioning... it's by being emotionally available and letting the walls down. When we do that our partner feels safe enough to finally be honest and tell us the truth.

That's a scary thing to do after all the hurt and betrayal that has happened... but if we really are serious about wanting to improve our relationship... that is the recipe my friend.

Donuts and the Truth

2011-01-03T15:58:00.000-08:00

If you don't want the truth... don't ask me. If you want something sugarcoated... go eat a donut.

Today while surfing online I read a post that struck me. It really got me thinking... do we want to hear the truth when we come to a counselor looking for support? Or are we just there to have someone reinforce our own point of view? Are we looking for truth or validation?

Personally, I think we attend counseling to allow another to tell us the truth. It may be the awful truth... it may be something we'd rather not hear... but in the end what we really desire is for someone... anyone... to finally be 100% honest with us.

Why do I think that is the case? Because for many of us we have been deceived and manipulated by others for so long that we doubt our ability to discern the truth. We have lost our innate trust in our own gut.

It may have happened when we were kids and our parents refused to discuss the elephant in the room... an alcoholic or abusive parent or sibling for example... and we began to believe that somehow we were wrong. We saw that elephant... didn't they? Why wouldn't they talk to us about it? Why did they insist it wasn't there? Were we unable to properly distinguish reality? They are big... we are small... they know what's real... we don't. We are scared by this difference in perception. In order to feel safe we decide to believe they are right.

Here we are... many years later. We try to select a partner with whom to create a life. We pick someone who "feels right". All goes well at first... we then discover we have chosen a person who mirrors some of the same dysfunction we experienced in our childhoods. It "felt right" because as dysfunctional as our childhoods may have been... it's comfortable... familiar.

Years pass and we and our partner drift apart. We come to counseling and we vent... we cry... we allow ourselves to be seen in all our pain. We want answers. We want someone... anyone... to finally tell us why this happened in our relationship.

Finally we begin to see the truth. We are told something in counseling that infuriates us and realize we are still reacting to the same old pain. Sometimes we read a book and see ourselves in a new light. Sometimes others situations are similar and we learn from their wisdom. However it happens... we learn more about ourselves through the process.

In the end we come through the experience with new wisdom... an inner strength we never knew existed... and discover serenity and acceptance.

Holidays… Ugh!!

2010-11-24T15:49:00.000-08:00

How do we cope with our strong feelings when we are dealing with someone who is unaware of how their behavior affects others?

Often times we are forced to deal with people… especially in family situations and surrounding holidays events… who are unaware of how their actions appear to others. It is common for us to believe that our intentions are visible, when in fact it is only our actions that can be seen and felt by those around us.

If others are feeling overwhelmed and their actions impact us, what can we do to practice self care? We use our tools… deep breathing… taking a walk… calling a friend… journaling… prayer… letting go. If necessary we give ourselves permission to leave the situation and take a time out until we feel more balanced. We cannot be emotionally present for others if we are not practicing self care. If practical, we can return once we are centered to discuss the situation in an attempt to resolve issues.

Part of self care is effectively managing expectations. If we have a history of unresolved issues involving family, we must learn to expect whatever family dynamics exist to continue. We can choose not to participate in unhealthy situations. We expect many change back messages from those who are uncomfortable with our growth. We can understand their discomfort… empathize… and still maintain our healthy boundaries.

The holidays can be an especially trying time as we interact with our family of origin. Old issues that lie beneath the surface may be triggered by interactions with siblings, parents or extended family. We owe it to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care and manage expectations. In this way we have the ability to spend our time with our families while still maintaining healthy boundaries and working on more positive interactions.

Support - Balcony People

2010-11-21T22:34:00.001-08:00

When our relationships hit a rough spot how do we cope? What do we do to garner support?

We reach out to those who have gone before us... counselors... friends... folks we meet in group or at meetings. We read books and articles written by those with wisdom and experience. We search our soul for realization of our part.

Relationships are like a dance... we must see our steps clearly. We must look with eyes unclouded by poor judgement and unresolved issues to see truth. It isn't easy to see our part... especially if we are hurt, sad or angry... but if we are to come through the difficult times back to a state of joy we must accept that we too have contributed to the problems we face... that our partner is not the only one to blame.

As we point our finger at our partner we realize that three fingers point right back at us. We too share in the issues... have perpetrated the hurts... have added to the pain. If we are to clear the air and begin anew we must own our part of the problem.

As we go through the toughest part of the process we know that there is light at the end of the tunnel... and it isn't an oncoming train.

Many have survived the road we are walking. They are all here with hands outstretched... reaching for us... cheering us on as we do the next right thing... as we walk the talk.

Yes, it's humbling... and jumbling too. We feel confused... angry... sad... hurt... devastated... overhwelmed... depressed... and much more. But there are so many watching us take one step at a time... praying for us... pleading with us not to give up.

They are all here along the side of the path... cheering... shouting our name in joy... waiting for us to come far enough along that we too can join on the sidelines and begin to cheer for the next one to walk this long and winding road.

They are shouting... Can you hear us? Can you see us?

Taking Poison - Resentment & Bitterness

2010-11-17T23:41:00.000-08:00

How do we cope with angry feelings in our partnership? What can we do to keep those angry feelings from becoming resentment or bitterness?

After reading a thoughtfully written quote it occurred that resentment and bitterness are one of the most important topics in relationships. The quote basically said, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

What a concept... we want to be compassionate in our relationships. We want to be loving and filled with warmth. But what happens when our trust is violated in some way and we feel the sting of betrayal. How do we cope with our feelings without becoming bitter and resentful?

One of our most basic tools is counseling. We must choose to avail ourselves of assistance when we face a situation that we cannot handle with the tools we currently possess. We may need a safe place to express our anger... to work through our feelings... so that we don't poison our relationship. If our partner has betrayed us in some way we have a choice to make. Is this betrayal a deal breaker? Or do we and our partner want to salvage the relationship?

Contrary to what others in our lives may believe there is no right answer for this question. Each partnership is unique. What works for one may not work for another. Partners must decide how much of a commitment they have made to the relationship and what they are willing to do to work through the issues that present themselves. For some, betrayal of any kind is more than they are willing to forgive. For others there is compassion and forgiveness. Neither are right... just different.

When we arrive at a decision with our partner and the help of a counselor, giving our best efforts to the situation is imperative. Anger is an appropriate emotion following betrayal. It requires a safe environment in which to be expressed. Once the anger has been fully explored and the underlying issues revealed healing can begin.

Avoiding resentment and bitterness may take a great deal of effort, but in the long run it is worth the work... our relationship and our health depend upon it.

HELP - My Expectations Are Killing Me!!

2010-11-11T22:03:00.001-08:00

How do we manage our expectations in a healthy way? Can our expectations cause us problems in our relationship?

Expectations can be a double edged sword. At times we gain power and insight from the expectations we have of ourselves. But what about the expectations we have of our partner? How do they affect our relationship?

If we expect our partner to fulfill our expectations we may be placing undue pressure on both our partner and our relationship. We hold the responsibility to fulfill our own expectations. When we give that power away, we lose the ability to practice self care. We give control of ourselves and our happiness over to another. When we do that we may be setting ourselves up for disappointment.

As much as our partner may wish to please us and may make every effort to act in our best interest, there will be times when their desires and ours will not overlap. If we have placed our expectations in their hands we will surely be disappointed and possibly hurt. If we have, instead, taken responsibility for our own expectations we will be assured that we remain in balance regardless of what our partner is or is not doing at the moment.

In a healthy relationships partners make every effort to be compassionate, respectful and considerate of one another. We do not feel the need to meet each others expectations as we know that we are responsible for meeting our own. In this way we assure that we remain balanced, emotionally available and connected in our lives and in our relationships.

Moving Beyond Betrayal

2010-11-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

How do we move past the pain and loss of betrayal? Can we salvage our relationship or is betrayal the kiss of death?

Not all betrayal involves emotional or physical affairs. Some betrayal involves more subtle violations that can occur slowly and painfully over many years. Drug and alcohol abuse can fall into this category, as can gambling or any other addiction.

The first step in determining whether we can move beyond betrayal is to determine why our partner strayed from their promises in the first place. This may be an area requiring the assistance of a counselor. We may be unable to figure out what was lacking either in our partner or in our relationship without help. We must keep in mind that some betrayal occurs because of a issue within our partner... and some occurs because of an issue within the relationship. To avoid a repeat of the problem, discerning the underlying cause is paramount.

Once we have clarified why the betrayal happened we will be able to determine if a repair of the relationship is possible or desirable. At this point we have the information we need to make an informed decision. We must decide if the betrayal is a deal breaker... or just an issue needing work than can be healed by time and effort.

Some relationships rebound from betrayal with increased intimacy and trust... others dissolve. It is our decision based upon the information we have gathered that will determine which outcome is best for our particular situation. All relationships are unique. A counselor can assist in clarifying the issues present and in facilitating communication, but only the partners involved can decide what is best for their situation.

Reaching out for help when relationships falter can save partners from a future of pain or bring one of joy.

How Do I Move Past the Anger?

2010-05-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

How do I move past the anger I feel toward my former abusive partner?

The reason a former partner still acts hostile and nasty toward us is because we escaped their abuse. They feel resentment toward us because they still feel some level of involvement.
They enjoy poking at us and trying to get our goat... it's sadly part of the personality of someone who is abusive... it's their way of trying to control us.

We need to learn how to unplug those buttons that they push. That takes work and help... it's not something we will likely be able to accomplish alone. If we don't have a counselor we need to find someone who specializes in abuse and recovery. That is where we will find the tools we need to move past the anger and bitterness.

As long as we continue to hate the abuser we are tying ourselves to them emotionally. Hate and love are the opposite of the same emotion. When our feelings evolve into indifference we will have moved past our own attachment and their antics will appear humerous to us... much like a cartoon character.

Anger does nothing to help in the process. It eats away at our insides and can turn into resentment and bitterness. Compassion is the answer... feeling empathy for their inability to move past their own dysfunction and disease which locks them in their own cycle of pain.

Luckily for us, we don't have to participate in that cycle any longer... but they still do. It's within them and they have no where to run... changing partners doesn't solve the problem because the problem is within them. Seeing the situation is that light helps. It gives us the ability to see past our own anger and see them for the small person they really are...

Dysfunctional and diseased.

$9 Million Awarded to Betrayed Partner From Paramour

2010-03-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

Is it an effective remedy to award monetary damages from the paramour to the betrayed partner?

People betray others in relationships. This is a fact that is not new to mankind. Betrayal is not limited to adultery... there are plenty of ways to betray one's partner. This particular monetary award is about adultery.

When we seek out counseling we almost never talk about our own involvement in the betrayal. We are obsessed with blame and anguish. It is expected and understandable... we are suffering with extreme levels of pain and loss.

As time passes and the hurt begins to heal, our ability to see our own piece in the puzzle, no matter how tiny, begins to clarify. It is at this point that we start to have the ability to let go of the pain and loss and true healing can begin.

What happens when we never let go of the pain and loss? We stay angry. Over time that anger hardens into bitterness and resentment. Bitter resentful people don't move on from living in the past. We don't enjoy the present because we are too busy embracing our righteous path of constantly remembering how we were wronged.

One who pursues this type of monetary reward is still living with their focus in the past. There may be a real need for funds... that is not the issue. There are many ways to get the funds that have been awarded and not paid via family court routes. This award is about punishment and retribution.

My question is... when this case is over and the betrayed partner has collected whatever they get of the $9 Million...
Will they then live in the present?
Will they then feel happy?
Will they then be a whole person?

I think not... they will still feel the bitterness and resentment that they have chosen to focus on for so long... because money can't fix that.

Money is a tool. It can be used for constructive or destructive purposes.
It has no intrinsic value of it's own.

What Kind of Relationship Do I Have?

2010-03-24T15:00:00.000-07:00

What kind of relationship do I have? There are different types of attachments that partners tend toward in relationships.

Dependent: partners may become enmeshed within the relationship and with one another, losing their individuality in the process and making their lives smaller. Dependent partners bring little new life to the relationship and may gradually become like a sponge, absorbing energy and vitality from the relationship and giving little in return. Dependent partners may be frightened of individual growth and may try to prevent it within themselves and their partner, thereby suffocating both their partner and the relationship in the process.

Independent: partners may not form attachments properly in independent relationships... they may live separate lives focused mainly on their own pursuits, interests and achievements. The relationship may be for status, financial reasons, or to have the correct partner for social functions. Rarely is there a significant amount of emotional intimacy between the two. The relationship may not foster attachment and may dissolve if one of the partners becomes emotionally involved with another party.

Codependent: the partnership may be unbalanced... with one of the partners needs dominating the relationship and the other partner functioning as one who services the needs of the other. Often times the partner who services feels used and alone, frequently complaining of being ignored, unheard and not validated. The partner being serviced may be completely unaware that there is any problem, as they may tend to be self absorbed. These relationships may eventually become hotbeds of anger and frustration. Partners may burn out due to excessive care taking or a build up of resentment and bitterness.

Interdependent: partners are committed to one another, yet are each others cheerleaders for individual growth and exploration. Individuation is not seen as a threat, but as an expression of growth necessary for both the individuals and the partnership to remain healthy and balanced. Each of the partners brings their individual growth back to the partnership, enriching it in the process. These partnerships may be quite long lasting and healthy, as the partners are encouraged to pursue their own interests and lives adding to the value of the relationship.

What type of relationship do you have?

It's Okay for Me to Have Needs Too?

2010-03-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

My partner seems to forget special occasions... I feel badly yet I don't say anything about it. Should I mention it... or is it unimportant? I feel appreciated and loved all the rest of the days... am I being petty? What should I do?

We can be applauded for handling forgetfulness in a classy way. We save our partner from feeling shamed by not making a fuss when an occasion is accidentally forgotten. It is all right to forget occasionally. However, if forgetting becomes a pattern in a relationship, there is generally more going on than just an accidental lapse with regard to a date or event.

It is not uncommon to have a partner who forgets occasions. We all get the same excuses... I forgot... I didn't have time... I was busy with xyz... The truth is that we all have the same twenty four hours each day. What we do with that time is a display of what we value.

We may go through many, many occasions with us being the one to let it go until we realize that we also have needs and that it's okay to ask to have those needs met. Yes, our partner is wonderful and shows love every day in many different ways. If this one way is important to us - and it may be - then why should we discount ourselves? Our partner enjoys receiving recognition on important occasions... why not us too?

After a pattern of forgetting develops, we can have a chat with our partner. We can share that we would prefer a blank card with a picture that means something to us both... something from the heart written inside... rather than an elaborate gift. Remembrances don't have to be expensive or complex... they allow us to feel valued on days that are special to us.

Sharing how important this is to us and being vulnerable, we allow our partner to feel safe enough to share whatever the underlying issue may be. After listening and empathizing, we reassure our partner... whatever efforts they can make... whatever is on their heart... they can feel comfortable acknowledging occasions... knowing that their efforts will be appreciated.

It can work out well for both parties. We can learn to communicate our needs and in the process both we and our partner get validated. When a partner is reluctant to do something simple - like acknowledging an occasion - there is usually a deeper issue at the heart of the resistance. Eventually as partners feel safe with one another, they will share their fears and reluctance, thereby overcoming the obstacles keeping them from intimacy.

Why Don't I Feel For My Partner Any Longer?

2010-03-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

What happened to the feelings we used to have for one another in our relationship? Where did they go? Can we get back to a place where we can feel that way again?

We must try to understand that our feelings didn't just vanish overnight. They faded away a little at a time over the years as we and our partner built walls not bridges, with the communications we shared. Those walls are made of bricks crafted of disappointment, bitterness, resentments, hurts, loss, pain, rejection and uncertainty.

Since it took years to create those walls we cannot expect them to come down quickly. The mortar that holds those bricks together is formed from defense mechanisms that each of us have learned during our time together to protect ourselves from further pain and loss.

The reason we don't "feel anything" for our partner right now, is because we have experienced so much pain, loss and disappointment... that our defense mechanisms have sprung up to protect us... in this way we don't feel anything at all... we're numb.

It's easier to be numb than to feel pain. But remember, numb means we don't feel joy (or love) either. In order to begin to "feel" for our partner again, we are going to have to experience the backlog of frozen feelings that we have been avoiding through being numb. Once we have cleared through all that frozen pain, loss, disappointment and whatever else is in there... quite a lot of work... we will begin to experience our emotions once again.

This is not a task for the faint hearted. Facing all the "stuff" that we have denied and allowed our defenses to freeze will be a courageous experience like none other we have undertaken in our adult life.

BUT... it is a journey worth every ounce of effort. It will bring us to a place of peace unlike anything we have ever experienced. Good luck to each of us as we embark on our journey... and all our hopes that we find ourselves through this process of recovery.

Do Selfish People Ever Feel Remorse?

2010-03-08T23:23:00.000-08:00

Do selfish people ever really feel remorse? Do they ever realize all the pain and heartache they have caused with their choices?

By definition of the term... selfish person... no... because truly selfish people only think about themselves and not others. But in real life people aren't dictionary definitions. We aren't black and white, but shades of grey.

The underlying question is... does this person think only about themselves and their needs and wants all the time?

In reality we all may go through a period of selfishness... or a time when our actions appear selfish. If we are making excuses, then we are already feeling remorse, as evidenced by the great amount of energy expended in rationalizing our behaviors. We may or may not be willing to talk about our feelings of remorse, but that doesn't mean we don't have them. We may instead focus on denial (of our remorseful feelings) or blame (it's all your fault that this happened and now we feel badly because of you).

Another way to consider it might be... remorse may not necessarily be a feeling with regard to another person, but a feeling regarding an action performed. We may think about ourselves and our needs and wants, but not think highly of ourselves with regard to the choices we have made.

No matter who we are, eventually we reaches a point where our selfish actions overcome any lack of conscience or rationalization mustered. Something happens that will be the straw... that will hit like a bomb shell... and suddenly we are exposed to the truth. It is a moment of great pain. Some folks retreat into denial and blame at that time... some begin to process their actions and make amends. Each person is unique and their reactions and feelings are unique as well.

Yet it can be the beginning of personal growth. We finally see ourselves as we are, not as we wish to be. The blanket of denial is thrown off and we can no longer pretend. The pain may be acute... but the end result is that we become a more aware, balanced person. Capable of forgiveness, compassion and accountability... and isn't that the most important piece of all?

Can I Forgive Myself?

2010-03-05T23:30:00.000-08:00

Why is it so much harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others? That is because we hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do other people. Take a moment when all is quiet and listen to our self talk... all the shoulds, the nevers and the always... we wouldn't talk like that to our children, our parents or our friends... but we all talk that way to ourselves.

The hardest part about forgiving ourselves is accepting that we are just like everyone else... we make mistakes, we screw up, we do stupid things that we regret. But because we hold ourselves to a higher standard in our minds, we somehow believe that we are capable of more... and we expect more of ourselves. So when we don't perform up to our own expectations we tend to crucify ourselves.

The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is a part of reality we definately don't like... we aren't perfect, we never will be... we aren't supposed to be... that keeps us humble. When we accept that we are as flawed as others, and we bring that truth into our inner selves as a part of us... then we can begin to forgive ourselves.

Our kids may have been hurt by what they experienced as we made mistakes... mine certainly was... but he learned valuable lessons from me in the process... no one is perfect... not me, not his Dad and not him. He can accept that failure is a part of life and that when we get knocked down we get up and try again. That is an invaluable lesson... painful? Yes. But invaluable.

Our kids will learn that parents are human, they make mistakes and in the process there is pain. But, they will be able to accept that failure is an integral part of life to be expected and overcome with effort. They will see our efforts at rebuilding ourselves and their lives as a positive result.

Making mistakes and learning to forgive ourselves is all a part of being human... and isn't that the whole point?

HANDBOOK FOR 2010

2010-01-21T22:37:00.000-08:00

HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of clean fresh water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.
10.Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk... smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey entails.
12. Don't invest in negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Live in the present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep within your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you truly need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of mistakes.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Smile and laugh more.
23. You don't have to win every argument. Learn to agree to disagree.

Society:
24. Call your family often.
25. Be charitable... each day give something to others.
26. Forgive easily and anger slowly.
27. Spend time with people over 70 & under 6 whenever you can.
28. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
29. What other people think of you is less important than what you think of yourself.
30. Your job won't care for you when you are sick or lonely. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
31. Do the right thing!
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, meaningful or joyful.
33. Our higher power heals everything.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, shower, get dressed and show up.
36. The best is yet to come.
37. When you awake alive in the morning, be grateful.
38. Your inner being strives to be happy. So, be happy.
39. Share your vision with others.
40. And finally... Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Challenges are part of the curriculum but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

What is the Purpose of Our Relationships?

2009-12-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

Every relationship arrives in our lives to give us the opportunity for healing. What we do with that opportunity is our choice. If we waste it trying the same old behaviors that didn't work for us in the past, we can repeat the same old mistakes and get the same lousey results.

If we decide to do our recovery work and begin the journey within, we may find that we have been presented with the same lesson again and again. Our Higher Power has the patience and all the time in the world to teach us the lessons we need to improve our lives. If we don't learn our lessons, they are repeated over and over again until we finally get it. Once we learn the lesson, the next one is presented.

Each time we have a choice... it's okay to lose, just as long as we don't lose the lesson.

Here are some of my lessons...

I learned patience, tolerance, forgiveness, wisdom, kindness, generosity, and letting go from my relationship with my son's Dad after we no longer lived together.

I have learned tenderness, love, gentleness, loyalty, respect, acceptance and that change can be safe in my relationship with my partner.

I have learned to let go and allow my son to become his own person, a capable adult.

These were all difficult lessons. Some hurt a great deal, some left me with scars that remind me of the difficulty of the lesson every day. But all of them are lessons I needed to learn to be the person I have become. I regret none of them.

The most important lesson of all I saved for last... trust... I learned that from my Higher Power

Am I Angry or Enraged?

2009-12-08T00:43:00.000-08:00

I like to think of anger as a stop sign. It is a signal to us that someone or something has crossed our boundary or violated our values. If we ignore our anger and internalize it we eventually experience it coming out sidways... possibly passive aggressively, making ourselves sick, or a multitude of other avenues.

Anger is the tip of the emotional iceberg. Most of the time is it our defense mechanism rising up to protect us from experiencing deeper feelings... like fear, loss, saddness. That's why I like to call it a stop sign. If we stop and consider, why am I angry? We may get a chance to know ourselves better. We may be able to realize a deeper feeling underneath the anger and address an unresolved issue.

There is another form... rage. Rage is very different from anger. Rage is not a response to a current boundary incursion or value violation. Rage is a response to a trigger from the past. When we react toward current events with rage we are reacting to something that happened long ago that has remained unresolved.

Rage feels different than anger. It rises us from the depths of our toes, it burns like a fire, we feel it bubble and boil in our guts. Rage causes us to react with a 10 when a 2 is appropriate. Rage is a signal that we have been triggered and have an unresolved issue that needs attention.

Anger has a place in relationships. When we are angry we can take some time to think about our situation, figure out why we feel the way we do, then choose to do something about it.

Rage has no place in relationships. Rage is a destructive force that injures both parties causing resentment and bitterness over time. Rage is a form of abuse.

Why Is Betrayal So Complex?

2009-12-07T00:11:00.000-08:00

Betrayal is complex. Although it appears simple and straight forward it is not. Betrayal comes in many forms... adultery is one, domestic violence is another, so is spousal abuse.

There are a number of reasons why people betray. The most profound is that before we can betray our partner, we must first betray ourselves. As partners we generally agree on basic human values. We have made certain agreements about how we will behave in the relationship.

When we make the decision to betray we first decide not to honor our own internal values. We intellectualize our emotions and turn off our feelings. If we permitted ourselves to feel, we would be overwhelmed with saddness and disappointment in our own behavior, so we choose to feel nothing.

Once we have become numb it is impossible to feel the pain and loss that we are creating by our betrayal. We are living in our heads, not in our hearts. After the initial numb phase has passed and the reality of our situation has begun to sink in, we may begin to defrost. This is a very dangerous time for us. We may face an overwhelming backlog of feelings that have been stifled during our numb stage. As we process these feelings we may swing from grief and regret over the losses we caused to anger and blame over the consequences of our actions.

Through it all we may find that we are no happier with our new life than our old one. We have not dealt with our issues, only substituted one set of problems for another. The common denominator being the same... us.

How Can I Get Along With Difficult People?

2009-12-05T15:50:00.000-08:00

Since many of us have house guests around the holidays and want to enjoy our time with them, here is some excellent advice from Dale V. Atkins, PhD on how to get along with difficult people.

It’s inevitable that at some point we will have to spend time with people we don’t like. Maybe you don’t like your spouse’s best friend or your daughter’s boyfriend. Here are some simple guidelines for getting through these tricky situations...

YOU DON’T GET ALONG WELL WITH A RELATIVE
This is someone you can’t avoid completely but with whom you can spend only so much time before he/she starts to drive you crazy. Perhaps your sister is a slob, and you’re very tidy... or you have a parent you love, but who is overly critical.

With these people, it is best to keep activities confined to neutral zones, such as going to a movie or a restaurant. Usually, in these places, conversations don’t get too out of hand. With a movie, you’ll be able to talk only before and after, though you’re still spending time together. Also, these activities have built-in time limits, so you will be spending quality time with someone you love, but you’ll also be giving yourself an exit.

Keep in mind that while you may be tempted, it’s usually not worth your time to try to redesign someone’s personality. This almost always meets with resistance and can lead to fights. Just try to focus on the best aspects of his/her personality.

YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR PARTNER’S FRIEND
When you don’t like your partner’s friend, it can be difficult for both you and your partner. First, try your best to see things through your partner’s eyes, and try to find something you like or can appreciate about his friend. It can be something as simple as appreciating his sense of style or a joke he told once.

Let your partner know that it’s OK to do things without you, but try to attend if there’s an important event in the friend’s life -- for example, a wedding or a party for a promotion.
Never try to turn your partner against his friend. You don’t have to like him as much as your partner does, but you should respect the relationship. Don’t be rude or say nasty things about him.

YOUR PARTNER DOESN’T LIKE YOUR FRIEND
Let your partner know that it is OK to not like your friend, but it’s not OK to be rude or dismissive to him/her. Ask for the same respect to be shown to your friends that you show to your partner’s friends.

Cultivate your relationship with your friend without your partner, and don’t insist that everyone spend time together. Sometimes it’s easier to do this during the week, instead of on the weekend, when you may have family obligations.

YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR CHILD’S SPOUSE
One of the trickiest situations is when your child marries someone whom you do not like. It can be very hard to hide your feelings, but for the sake of your relationship with your child, it’s a good idea. Make every effort to get along with your child’s spouse, and do your best to care about him/her and show him respect.

Don’t say anything bad about your child’s spouse. You don’t want to put your child in the middle of a conflict between you and his spouse, and it is not fair to make your child choose between you and the spouse.

If there is a legitimate issue between you and your child’s spouse -- for example, if she is rude to you in public -- it’s best to pull her aside at another time and try to work it out.

YOU DON’T AGREE WITH A LOVED ONE’S CHOICES
It’s always hard to see someone you love making bad choices. Maybe a child is spending too much time partying at college or a friend is in a damaging relationship.

Talk to him/her in an open way, and share your concerns -- but don’t pressure and don’t be overly judgmental. Discuss with him the consequences of his actions. For example, if your child is partying at school more than studying, there is a real chance that he could flunk out.

Remember that he must choose to change -- you can’t force that on anyone. Tell him that you love him and that you always will, but that you don’t agree with his choices.

One way to reduce the stress you feel when seeing a friend or relative in situations you don’t agree with is to focus on your own wisdom and be grateful for what you have and who you are.

YOU DON’T LIKE YOUR HOUSEGUEST
Sometimes there’s no way to avoid having your castle invaded by people who get under your skin -- whether it is your partner’s old college roommate or your great-aunt Helen.

Try to carve out some time for yourself. Find something relaxing and recharging that you love to do. Take a quiet walk by yourself... have a relaxing bath... or meditate.

It may help to put your guests to work if they are staying with you for more than a few days. Having them do some dishes or fold some laundry can help to greatly reduce your own stress level. If you have less stress and less work to do, you might even enjoy your guests.

Regardless of what tools we use and how we cope we may face stress in dealing with difficult people during the holiday season. If we remember to practice self care whenever we begin to feel overwhelmed, we will be able to enjoy our family and friends and rejoice in the precious present.

Have I Become My Mother?

2009-12-04T00:21:00.000-08:00

Don't we all have one of those Mom's who give us the crazies when we really just want to reflect and process?

I certainly do. My Mom is a loving caring woman... she is probably one of the nicest people you would ever meet. She literally can kill you with kindness. But... she is tenacious too... she learned a long time ago that if she bugs me enough I will most likely do whatever it is that she wants... to get the bugging to stop... even though it's done so sweetly it almost feels like she's not bugging... and yes, I do love her a great deal. But the bugging... she has a way of instilling this feeling in me that I have failed miserably as a person if I don't do this one thing... whatever it is... whether it's a small thing or huge... it's immaterial... I must comply... and then sweet surrender... and the bugging stops... and I can breathe again. Until the next request!

Ah yes... one more area where I do not want to be like Mom... and yet, as I get older and look in the mirror.... my God... there she is. And I find I am bugging... ~gasp~

Why Can't I Clear Out The Fog?

2009-12-03T01:18:00.000-08:00

Why is it that we can clearly see problems and solutions for others and yet when our own difficulties come into play we often remain in a fog?

We have the ability to practice a form of mental self defense where we either deny a challenge exists all together, or we rationalize away its severity. We may intellectualize our issues, not allowing ourselves to feel our emotions fully. We may do this to minimize pain and loss, or in an attempt to keep ourselves from recognizing the truth of our situation.

We may have begun learning this defense mechanism when we were children. If we lived in a family of origin where there was a great deal of chaos we may have needed this defense in order to survive. As we grow into adults we may find that our old defense mechanisms have begun to hinder our ability to fully participate in our own lives. We may be incapable of recognizing when we are being treated poorly. We may be unable to experience joy. We may be marching through life in a state of suspended emotional animation, existing, but not living.

When we begin our walk on the path of recovery we may initially find our emotions overwhelming and feel incapable of handling the waves of feelings that surge through our minds and bodies. As time progresses we become more comfortable within ourselves and feel capable of handling our strong emotions. We may recall that as children we may have had no one to guide us through the maze of our own feelings. They may have been strong and frightening, so we locked them away. Now that we are adults we can unlock those stored childhood feelings, process them in our adult minds and allow them to become a part of us.

In healthy families adults model appropriate reactions to strong emotions by regulating their responses. In dysfunctional families there may be no responsible adult present to serve as role model. The only model we see may be an emotionally frightened or enraged caretaker who is incapable of managing their own feelings and is acting out. If we grow up in an environment such as this, it is no wonder why we, as adults, may feel overwhelmed by strong emotions.

Learning to properly respond to feelings and challenges is a skill that is developed over years of observing role models and experimenting with our own abilities. If we have not developed these skills in childhood we may be emotionally immature.

We can learn the skills necessary to function in a healthy manner in all our interactions. It may take practice, learning new skills and a great deal of failure before we finally become adept at handling our strong feelings appropriately, but we can master the necessary skills with time and practice.

Am I a Support or a Burden?

2009-11-28T16:43:00.000-08:00

How we cope when our partner is having a rough day is important. Are we a person who helps make the difficulties lighter? Or are we someone who drags our partner down even more when times are hard for them?

We may not always have a choice about what happens in a day, but we have a choice in how we respond to the presenting challenge. We can meet challenges with gratefulness, realizing that we are learning a necessary lesson for our or our partners growth. Or, we can meet it with angst and hostility, feeling resentment that our plans have been altered against our wishes.

How we respond when our partner is wrestling with an issue is vital. If we maintain our composure, keep our response appropriate yet positive and try to see the benefit, we can enhance our partners surroundings.

If we succumb to the temptation to wallow in self pity and regret we may add fuel to our partners fire, possibly helping to derail their attempt to maintain composure. Or, worse yet, we may become an additional challenge in their day.

The last thing we want to do is to make our partners day more difficult when they are already stressed out about a challenge they are facing. One of the purposes of a relationship is to be a support to one another when difficulties arise. Our role of supporter is never more vital than at a time when our partner is in crisis.

We use our tools to remain centered, exercise patience, exhibit compassion and offer our assistance when appropriate. In this way we allow our partner the space and time necessary to solve their own challenges, while remaining available, should the need arise for our help to be requested. In this way we give our partner the gift of support.

Pity, Compassion, Trust and Selfishness

2009-11-23T21:00:00.000-08:00

What is the difference between compassion and pity?

Compassion is based on a belief that both parties in a relationship are equals... that each of their points of view are worthy of regard. Pity includes a feeling of intellectual superiority. We pity our partner who is suffering and see them as being inferior, inept, incompetent or unable to function in some important way. Pity then leads to contempt if our partner is unable to resolve their issue within our time frame. Compassion leads us to offer whatever assistance is appropriate, then allowing our partner the opportunity to solve their issue within their own time frame.

What is the difference between compassion and excusing irresponsible or selfish behavior?

Compassion includes us behaving in accordance with our own values. This does not mean we excuse the irresponsible or selfish behavior of our partner when they have done something that does not agree with their own inner values. We have the responsibility to respect our own and others boundaries. We can feel compassion for the poor choices our partner has made without allowing them to continue to hurt us. We own our power in our relationship and reinforce our boundaries with our partner, telling them what we will and will not accept in a gentle loving manner.

What is the difference between compassion and discerning when it is safe to trust?

When we are compassionate we are able to see our partner as they really are without pretense. We see them with all their vulnerabilities and flaws and can discern accurately what we can realistically expect. If our expectations are on track and we are accurately discerning what is and is not possible, we are less likely to trust inappropriately. Many times we are hurt in relationships because we refuse to acknowledge the flaws of either our partner or ourselves. Our ability to discern when it is safe to trust relies upon our acceptance of reality. Our ability to accept reality relies upon our level of compassion in our relationship. When we feel compassion toward our partner we are able to view them in truth thereby assessing accurately when it is and is not safe to trust.

Make NOW the Most Precious Time

2009-11-19T15:44:00.000-08:00

Cover of The Precious Present

I read a story a while back called The Precious Present. When I picked up the book in the store I thought it was a Christmas story. It was around that time. It caught my attention so I began to read. I do that often... read in the book store... I was drawn in by the story and it was fast reading so I sat down with the book.

About thirty minutes went by and suddenly I came to the end. It was not at all a Christmas story. I recall sitting very still in that moment and realizing that I had never actually noticed the passage of time in quite the same way. The message of the book was astounding... and I realized for the first time in my life that the most precious commodity I had was time.

Those thirty minutes changed by perception permanently. I had a new goal... a new view of what mattered to me.

Later on that evening I was watching television... a drama that I enjoyed and one of the characters said, "Make now the most precious time. Now will never come again." I was stunned. I was getting the message again.

The next day I was chatting with several other folks and someone said, "If one is using one's time fretting about the past or worrying about the future, no energy is left for the present." Again... the same message. This was more than mere coincidence.

This time I gave the concept serious thought. Was I wasting my energies fretting over the past? I thought I had moved on from that place... had I some remaining strings still holding me captive? What about the future? Was I worrying about outcomes... not having faith in the path my Higher Power had placed before me? Was I trying to exert control where I had none?

The answers eluded me but I made a decision to redouble my efforts at letting go. I would work harder on my recovery... make every moment count. Suddenly I burst out laughing. That was exactly the message... living the moment... making each moment count... not working harder at recovery or letting go, but actually being present... emotionally and spiritually present in each wonderful moment.

I realized that if I put my energy into being fully alive in each moment that I would no longer make time available for fretting or worry. It was a choice... a choice I could make each moment of my life.

Volunteering - A Path to Better Self Esteem

2009-11-18T23:00:00.000-08:00

How can we feel better about our own life? What can we do to improve our self esteem?

In addition to the recovery work that we practice in our daily lives we have another avenue open to us for increasing our self esteem. Volunteering. When we avail ourselves of the opportunity to help others we leave our own issues and difficulties behind and focus outside ourselves for a time. We become immersed in the problems of others and in the process may gain some perspective on our own issues.

One of the most wonderful ways we can accomplish this task during the holidays is a creation of the United States Postal Service called Operation Santa Claus. The movement had its beginnings in the 1920's when postal workers took letters from the dead letter office address to Santa and chipped in some of their own funds to buy gift for needy children. Since that time the New York City postal workers at the post office located at 33rd Street and Eighth Avenue, behind Madison Square Garden, have collected the letters and set them aside for folks to read over and choose each year, beginning in December. These postal workers do this on their own time without pay each year. It is estimated that this year there may be up to 200,000 letters due to the economic down turn.

Let us each take a moment this year and choose to give a child who will receive nothing a gift. If your own economic circumstances don't permit the expense of any funds, making something creative will fill the void nicely.

I have participated in Operation Santa Claus and have found it made my holidays the most fulfilling of all. Here is a link to an article about Operation Santa Claus.
http://www.operationlettertosanta.com/Pages/story_1.htm

The God Box

2009-11-16T23:47:00.000-08:00

The hardest part about splitting up isn't leaving the person... it's saying goodbye to all the hopes and dreams we had when we met.

One of the exercises we are given is to take a pretty box... whether we buy one at a $1 store or make one ourseves, it doesn't matter. We can use a favorite urn, vase or any covered dish if we like. I use a ginger jar with a cover that I made in a ceramics class. Some folks use a family heirloom that has meaning to them. Whatever you choose will work for you.

We hand write all our hopes and dreams we had for our relationship on a couple of sheets of our favorite note paper. The more we cherish the note paper the better. If you aren't into pretty note paper, that's okay. Any paper will do. It is important that we write this exercise ourself. We absorb more of what we are doing when we use multiple senses, sight, touch and hearing.

We read over what we have written aloud. It should be a comprehensive list of all the dreams we had for our relationship and the future we thought we would have together. We say a prayer to let go of them all. We listen to our heart. If our feelings begin to come to the surface, we allow ourselves the time to feel whatever is within. We let ourself grieve as fully as we need.

We empty the trash bin underneath our shredder. We put the sheets through our shredder then collect them from the trash bin and put the shredded sheets in the God box. What ever we place within is what we are giving over to our Higher Power.

This is an exercise in letting go. We shred the sheets as a symbol of the fact that once we give them to our Higher Power we won't take them back. We place the sheets in the box and say a brief prayer, finally giving these hopes and dreams to our Higher Power.

When we enter into a new relationship we create new hopes and dreams, we don't revive the old ones... but first we have to let go of the ones we already created to make room for new ones.

We make a God box for ourself and use it frequently, whenever we have to let go of something. One of my favorite authors, Melody Beattie, once said... "I never let go of anything that didn't have claw marks on it."

Me too...

Am I Enhancing My Relationship?

2009-11-15T23:27:00.000-08:00

What makes one relationship work while another falters? What steps can we take to preserve our partnership?

There are habits that we can create in our relationship that may help us feel more connected with one another. These are simple choices we make each day that can make the difference between happiness and emptiness.

Going to bed at the same time each night where possible gives partners the chance to snuggle and reconnect in a physical way after a long day of being apart. Our skin responds to touch by releasing chemicals that help us relax. Snuggling may help us fall asleep more easily and feel connected in a positive way.

Having shared interests is important for us to flourish in a partnership. We bring ourselves to the relationship as a gift. If the gift we bring is filled with interests and fun we add a great deal of positive energy to our relationship. Cultivating our own lives as well as common interests is paramount to a healthy balanced partnership.

Letting our partner know that we are proud to be seen with them is vital. We show our pride in our relationship by encouraging touch when we are with others. We may hold hands, or rest our arm in theirs. We may walk with fingers entwined or lean against one another while sitting. All these gestures allow our partner to feel the sense of pride we share in our partnership.

Assume the best. When we are in a committed relationship we are bound to make mistakes as is our partner. When we begin by assuming the best we are giving our partner the benefit of the doubt. We allow ourselves to make our first priority trust and faith in our partner, that they did not intend to cause harm. If harm was caused, we display forgiveness as we would want to be forgiven when we falter.

The old saying, accentuate the positive... eliminate the negative... applies well in relationships. We tend to see the glass as either half full or half empty. If we have learned to see the world through an optimistic view we are more likely to have positive outcomes. We learn to overlook the tiny annoyances that all relationships endure and focus on the areas we enjoy in our partner. We too have annoying attributes and wish our irritations to be overlooked.

Make it a habit to check in with one another during the day. We offer our partner support, love, encouragement and allow ourselves to get a glimpse of how our partners day is progressing. This is an invaluable tool in assessing how our partner may be feeling later on in the evening. If we are aware of the stresses they have dealt with during the day we can be more prepared for their energy level later on and adjust our expectations accordingly.

Make your first encounter after a long absence, such as a day at work, positive. A smile and hug or kiss at first reunion paves the way for positive feelings they may last well into the remainder of the day. Showing our partner how pleased we are to see them again is well worth the effort.

Questions and Answers on Relationships

2009-11-10T22:41:00.000-08:00

We worked through a lot of issues... Please explain... what issues have you worked through? Were they the same issues you have now? If that is so, then maybe you haven't worked through these issues.

We have no intimacy... What does intimacy mean to you? Intimacy doesn't mean sexual or physical gratification. Intimacy means allowing another person to get to know you without all the masks, roles and pretense most of us use to protect ourselves. Has your partner tried to get to know you? Have you allowed them in?

There's no passion... What is lacking here, sexual passion? Was there ever any? Is this a problem of different libidos or a problem of sexual attraction?

I'm just so worried I'm making a mistake... Maybe we are making a mistake. We have tried couples counseling for some time with little to show for it. Have we considered going to individual counseling first to sort out our own issues before we try to fix our partner? One of the first things we all learn is that if we expect our relationship to get better we have to stop trying to fix and change our partner and work on changing ourselves. Once we have worked through our own issues then we are ready to try couples work and improve our relationship. The cart before the horse rarely produces results.

I'm so bitter from the lack of love being shown me and the way I'm made to feel, like I have to beg for love... Once we become embittered and lose our ability to be compassionate toward our partner we are doing to them exactly what we feel they are doing to us. It becomes a self fulfilling cycle of victimization and punishment. We move from being the victim (such a comfy role) to being the punisher (the angry role) and build walls keeping each other out.

Nothing changes and I'm tired of hoping it will - when it seems apparent it won't... even if we could make each other happy it seems it would be both of us somehow being something were not, it would always be fake...This is the saddest comment of all... anticipating that even if our partner does change, we would still be unhappy because it wouldn't be spontaneous. The best relationships are those where both partners make a conscious decision to do the work necessary to make intimacy and passion happen. They often don't happen on their own when partners are tuckered out from working so hard and helping around the house. Partners may begin to get lazy. Instead of trying to make things better with action and effort they may resort to the lazy way of fixing things... complaining... pointing fingers... blaming... It is much harder to do the work of making the effort than it is to blame our partner. Sadly when our partner makes an effort, often we are so angry and bitter that we don't give our partner the appreciation they need to feed that effort. So, after a couple of weeks of trying and not really getting the feedback they need... they give up. No relationship stays static. It is always changing, hopefully growing, and always needs maintenance and care or it dies. How would you feel if you failed and your partner didn't give you another chance to make it right?

I love my partner, but I cant take the pain... Love isn't a feeling. Love is an action verb... it is a word that indicates a willingness to put the person we love before ourselves. Love is patient, kind, gentle, appreciative, humble, giving... when we love we allow them to fail and try again.

Can I Learn to Let Go & Forgive?

2009-11-09T15:02:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to let go? Why is it important? What does it have to do with forgiveness?

Letting go doesn't mean letting things go. Letting go means not trying to control other people or outcomes in situations. It means letting the universe unfold naturally. When we try to control anything we cannot, that thing ends up controlling us. Letting go means... Let go and let God. It means we stop trying to do our Higher Power's job and let our Higher Power handle it.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that we believe that our partners unkind actions are acceptable. Forgiveness means that we have let go of the anger, the need for revenge, the need to punish and allowed ourselves to get out of the way so that the our partner can experience the natural consequences of their actions... without our interference. Consequences happen in their own time... not in ours... so patience is a part of the process as well.

Forgiveness is a part of letting go. When we forgive we decide we are no longer going to allow the actions of our partner to continue to control us. It does not mean that we believe their behavior is acceptable or that we necessarily tell them they are forgiven. It is something we do within our own heart that we share with our Higher Power. Forgiveness is internal, just like letting go and compassion. It is not something we advertise, just a decision we make within our hearts and with the guidance of our Higher Power.

These two recovery concepts may seem to go against everything that feels natural and normal. It may feel reasonable to remain angry, punish or exact revenge. The reality of the situation is that the angry feelings and all that accompany them, them are a toxin for our emotional health. Keeping ourselves in a state of agitation due to a lack of forgiveness, is akin to taking poison and waiting for our partner to die.

In time the wisdom of the words of these recovery principles will become understandable to us. It's okay to not be ready to hear them initially. Each of us becomes ready in our own time. We learn that if we have patience, all will become clear to us. Someday we will be a shining example to everyone we meet of the benefits of recovery work.

Why Be Compassionate?

2009-11-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

What is compassion? Why do we need to feel compassion toward our partner? What happens to us when we are not compassionate?

Compassion is something we feel inside. It is an emotion. It is what it feels like to look at our partner, who has behaved in an uncaring manner, and feel for the loss of self esteem they experience as a result, rather than reacting to the perceived hurt. It means that we give our partner the benefit of the doubt when they behave in ways that may give us pause.

When we are in a committed relationship there will be times when we become irritated with our partner. If we do not deal with these minor irritations in productive ways... effective communication... dialogue... compromise... over time we may become angry and resentful. When we move toward anger we move away from compassion. We begin to see the world in a myopic manner, viewing our own emotions and excluding all else. We may forget that our partner has feelings. When our anger takes over and we focus exclusively on our own feelings we lose our ability to feel compassion. We forget that there are two viewpoints to every situation.

Should we lose our ability to feel compassion, we appear calloused and insensitive toward our partner. This adds nothing but fuel to the fire. Our partner interprets our actions as justification for their own behavior. We have allowed our reaction to create an itch scratch scenario. It no longer matters who instigated the problem, we are now involved in a circular pattern of reactions that continues to feed off itself.

When experiencing strong emotions, as a result of the uncaring behavior of our partner, we may be triggered due to unresolved issues related to our family of origin. These strong emotions may be exaggerated due to our childhood issues. This may lead us to employ defense mechanisms designed to protect us from feeling the fear generated by our early childhood experiences. Although these defenses worked well to ensure our survival during our interactions with our family of origin, they may be hampering our adult interactions with our partner.

We choose to respond rather than react. We realize that our partner may be feeling virtually the same emotions. They too have feelings and may be hurt or upset. We take a deep breath, center ourselves and consider how we appear from their point of view. We then respond with compassion, letting go of our need to defend ourselves against our fear.

Compassion, the Key to Joy

2009-11-04T17:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes there are posts written by those in the recovery field that are excellent and worth repeating. Here is one such post by noted author and blogger, Steven Stosny.

Anger in Marriage: Failure of Compassion and the Rise of Contempt

Most marriages end in a whimper, not a bang. The final rupture is not caused by too much anger or abuse or infidelity. Rather, most marriages die a slow, agonizing death from too little compassion.

Compassion is sympathy for the hurt or distress of another. At heart it is a simple appreciation of the basic human frailty we all share, which is why the experience of compassion makes you feel more humane and less isolated.

Compassion is necessary for the formation of emotional bonds. Think of when you were dating someone you eventually came to love. Suppose you had to call that person and report that your parents had died. If your date responded with, "Well, that's tough, call me when you get over it," would you have fallen in love with that person? Chances are, you fell in love with someone who cared about how you felt, especially when you felt bad.

Most of what you fight about now is not money or sex or in-laws or raising the kids. Those are common problems that seem insurmountable only when you're hurt. What causes the hurt, i.e., what you really fight about, is the impression that your partner doesn't care how you feel. When someone you love is not compassionate, it feels like abuse.

As compassion decreases, resentment automatically rises, making common problems insoluble. If unfettered by the better angels of our nature, resentment inevitably turns into contempt.

Contempt is disdain for the hurt of others, due to their lower moral standing, character defects, mental instability, ignorance, or general unworthiness. Contempt is powered by a low but steady dose of adrenalin. So long as the adrenalin lasts, you feel more confident and self-righteous in blaming your bad feelings on some defect of your partner. But you also feel less humane. And when the adrenalin wears off, you feel depressed.

Both compassion and contempt are extremely contagious and highly influenced by projection. If you're around a compassionate person, you're likely to become more compassionate. If you're around a contemptuous person, you're likely to become more contemptuous, unless you make a determined effort to remain true to your deepest values. If you project onto others that they're compassionate, they are likely to become more considerate. If you project contemptuous characterizations, such as, "loser, abuser, selfish, lazy, narcissistic, irrational, devious, etc.," they are likely to become more so.

By the time couples come to our boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse, they have developed entrenched habits of protecting their respective vulnerabilities by devaluing each other. They try to justify their contempt with "evidence" that the partner is selfish, lazy, narcissistic, crazy, abusive, etc. Mutual contempt makes them both feel chronically criticized and attacked, although neither really wants to attack the other. They feel like victims and rationalize their bad behavior as mere reactions to the awful behavior of the other. Their defenses so automatically justify their resentment and contempt that they cannot possibly see each other.

Neither can they see that their resentment and contempt have cut them off from their deeper values and made them into someone they are not.

Once defenses become habits, they run on automatic pilot and resist change through insight. They will likely recur in any future relationship that stirs guilt, shame, and anxiety, that is to say, any close relationship.

The only way out, whether the couple stays in the relationship or not, is to focus on compassion - not to manipulate change in the other - but to feel more humane and to reconnect with their deepest values.

The problem is that most couples are afraid to embrace compassion once they've been hurt.

How we cope with our feelings is vital. We work hard during our recovery to embrace all our emotions and learn to give our partner the space to do the same. Our recovery emboldens us to be compassionate partners as we walk our chosen path.

Am I Practicing Self Care or Being Selfish?

2009-11-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

Can self care become selfishness? How do we keep ourselves in balance?

Self care is an important part of our recovery effort. We learn to care for ourselves. We set effective boundaries, avoid the drama of others, stay balanced and keep ourselves from becoming overwhelmed in the face of lifes challenges. We practice discernment, use our tools to cope effectively, and in the process increase our self esteem.

As we begin to practice self care and learn to set effective boundaries we change. That change brings discomfort to our partner. We are no longer willing to do things that our partner can and should do for themselves. As a result, we begin to receive change back messages from our partner. This is their response to the stress our changes bring into their life. We exercise patience, showing our partner our committment to our recovery and allowing them the time to catch up. We use discernment to detect when we are being drawn into the drama of others, keeping ourselves in balance. When we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed as a result of the strength of our emotions, we use our tools to bring ourselves back into balance, recognizing that we cannot effectively help our partner to cope when we ourselves are overwhelmed.

As long as our self care is focused on achieving balance for the purpose of being able to be emotionally present in our relationship with our partner, as well as for our overall health, we will be practicing self care and not selfishness. When we allow our defense mechanisms and fear to control us, we lose sight of healthy boundaries and begin to focus too much on ourselves and our issues. When that happens too often, we may fail to be emotionally present for our partner and our relationship. We cannot be centered at all times, but we can strive for balance in a consistent manner.

During our growth and change our partner may feel unsure of our relationship. We take the initiative, reaffirming our love and devotion to both our partner and our relationship, allowing our partner to take these new patterns of interacting in stride. We recall that change creates discomfort and unease and give our partner plenty of time and the space necessary to adapt.

As we walk our path of recovery we find that we take three steps forward and two back testing our resolve and misstepping frequently. We will learn slowly, carefully, in our own time, how to maintain balance without seeming insensitive or too self involved. Recovery may not be easy, but we find that the rewards are well worth the effort as we feel our self esteem grow stronger day by day.

Where Do Relationship Ideals Come From?

2009-10-31T17:13:00.000-07:00

Where do we get our concept of what relationships should look like? How to these ideas affect our relationship with our partner? What can we do to compensate for differences in our relationship vision?

When we are very young we observe the world around us. We are like a sponge absorbing all that our senses can detect. We watch our caretakers as they go about their daily lives. As they interact with one another they serve as an example of partnership relationship behavior. As we grow up, we observe relationships other than that of our family of origin. We see other adults interact on a daily basis. We see our peers behaviors. We watch television, absorbing ideas regarding relationships from that venue. By the time we have reached the end of our adolescence we have observed thousands of relationships from a wide variety of sources.

Our earliest observations within our family of origin forms the basis for our values and beliefs regarding how adult relationships are formed and maintained. If our family of origin was healthy, balanced and communication was open, we will come to expect our relationship to mirror those values. If our partner came from a family of origin where there was hostility, dysfunction and a lack of communication we will have opposite expectations.

As we enter into a relationship with our partner the difference in our backgrounds may cause us difficulties in our partnership. We may, for example, expect to talk through problems whereas our partner may not wish to acknowledge problems. We may find that over time we experience discomfort due to the difference in the way each of us handles our emotions and how that difference affects our relationship.

If we are to create harmony and balance in our relationship we must find a way to communicate with our partner in a way that our partner is able to hear. We look for common ground, shared goals and values as a starting point. Once we have discovered that we essentially want to reach the same goals, the path to meeting those goals becomes easier to forge. As we share our values and ideals we may find that we share more commonality than we previously knew. As we work toward a solution we keep our shared vision prominently in view, keeping us on track toward our goals.

We adjust our expectations of one another as we walk the path we have chosen. Perfection is not the goal. We will both experience setbacks as we work toward our shared vision. With compassion and deliberation, we take two steps forward and one back on our road to balance and harmony in our relationship.

Caretaker... Victim... Persecutor... Round and Round We Go!!

2009-10-30T13:27:00.000-07:00

What is co-dependency? How does it create the feelings we experience? What can we do to overcome the cycle of interaction it perpetuates in our daily lives?

It is a fact that we interact with others in our relationships in virtually the same pattern time after time. Some of these are learned behaviors from experiences we had during our childhoods. Some of these are due to events which occurred during our adult years. Either way, we seem to follow a specific pattern of interaction.

If we are behaving co-dependently in our relationships we may have been busy caretaking our partner. We are doing for them what they can and should be doing for themselves. This amounts to rescuing them from the natural consequences that might occur if we allowed the universe to unfold naturally rather than attempting to control outcomes. After a time we have taught our partner that they can rely upon us to rescue them from their missteps, forgotten chores, irresponsibility, laziness or just carelessness. At first we may feel empowered in our role as problem solver. But over time as we pick up more and more of the slack we begin to feel resentful.

As our resentment builds we begin to view ourselves a victims of our partners bad habits. The fact that we co-created these habits within the relationship escapes our attention. We are focused instead upon our partners failings, not on how we co-created them. We feel used, victimized, unappreciated and unhappy. We express our dissatisfaction to our partner in the form of complaints, nagging, emotional distance and withdrawal. Our partner is understandably confused at our apparent change of heart. Initially in our caretaking role we seemed happy to do the extra work in the relationship. Now, suddenly, we are upset and discontent. We are giving mixed messages to our partner and are unaware of it.

Finally we come to a point where we are angry. We have had enough of being used and had all our extra efforts go unappreciated. We explode in rage at our partner accusing them of taking us for granted and not appreciating all we do for them. When our partner counters with the statement that they never asked us to do any of this extra work for them, we are shocked. Can't they see how nice we have been? Don't they understand that this is how we are expressing our love for them? When our partner tells us that they resent being treated like an inept child we are stunned. How can they be so blind to all our caring efforts? We storm out.

We take time to mull over what has happened. How can this be? As we cool down we begin to feel guilty about all the accusations we have hurled in anger. We wonder if our partner is still upset by our outburst. We approach and apologize for our words. Our partner accepts our apology and we feel better. We resume our posture of caretaking and the cycle begins again.

In essence our partner has expressed the core of the problem. They did not ask us to undertake our caretaking behaviors. We did this on our own. They resent being treated as an inept child who cannot do for themselves. They would rather not have to deal with our anger, resentment, emotional ups and downs and mixed messages. We have created this situation with our co-dependency.

Co-dependency may look like help... but help is the sunny side of control. We are not helping because we have altruistic desires to aid our partner, we are trying to control outcomes. This sets up a peculiar energy that others can feel. Our partner may not be able to put words to what they sense, but they sense something is amiss. It is this pattern that causes dysfunction within our relationship and eventually leads us into recovery.

Self care or Selfishness... Which One Is It?

2009-10-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

Image by CatrinaZ via Flickr

Self care... what is it? Is it being selfish? Is it putting myself before others? How do I know how to do it? What do I do to practice self care?

These are all excellent questions. Self care is all about learning to take care of ourselves so that we live balanced lives, avoid feeling overwhelmed and don't allow other peoples drama to control us.

That is a real mouthful. Learning to practice self care is a process. During that process we learn tools... actions to take to reduce our stress. We also learn boundaries... where we end and another person begins. Additionally we learn discernment... the ability to pay attention to our gut and our own innate capacity to know when, how much and whom to trust.

Learning these skills takes time and effort. It is a lifelong process that we continue to practice in our daily lives. We begin with tools. These are actions we can take to reduce stress. We learn deep breathing, guided meditation, visualization, affirmations, and techniques for self soothing. We begin to appreciate the quiet gentleness of taking a scented bath, reading a novel, sharing a phone call with a dear friend, having our evening meal by candlelight even when we are alone, taking a long walk, listening to the roar of the ocean or the breeze through the trees.

Boundaries... where we end and another person begins... can be a difficult lesson. We have control over one person in our lives... ourselves. We can cajole, beg, plead, order, dominate, manipulate, cry, scream, rant and try all methods of controlling others to no avail. Eventually we have to learn to let go. When we do we find that we are capable of saying no to requests we don't wish to indulge. We can ignore the behavior of others who are trying to control us and remember that we own our power. As we learn to respect others boundaries and our own we will reduce the drama in our lives and become more peaceful.

Discernment can be the toughest lesson of all. We have let others delude us for too long. We have believed the unbelievable, trusted the untrustworthy and forfeited our ability to trust ourselves in the process. Slowly, as we practice self care, we will come to trust our gut... to know when someone is not being honest... to listen between the lines... to pay attention to body language. We will learn once again how to trust ourselves, for that is the reality of our loss. We no longer trust our ability to discern the truth from lies.

As we practice self care we increase our self esteem one notch at a time. Like steps on a ladder we inch our way back to health and joy. We cannot underestimate how much we have lost, but we are on the road to recovery. In time we will find a healthier, happier self whom we can rely upon and trust.

These are the lessons of self care. We practice self care in our daily lives, using our tools, setting boundaries and slowly coming to learn discernment as we begin to trust ourselves once again. In this way we give ourselves the gift of increased self esteem.

Taking Care or Caretaking?

2009-10-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

What is the difference between taking care and caretaking?

We can start with a definition of caretaking to make the point more understandable. Caretaking is doing for others what they can and should be doing for themselves. The key words here are can and should. Of course we want to care for those we love, but that doesn't mean that we do things for them that they are capable of doing for themselves. Caretaking is not about taking care. It's about control. We are doing these things not to make our partner feel loved, but to control an outcome.

This can become very difficult to discern when we enter into a relationship with someone we love. We want our partner to feel the depth of our love. Some of that depth is expressed in actions we take to show our devotion. How far do we go to show our love? Is it okay to make our partner's lunch that they take to work? Should we be giving them advice on how to improve their relationship with their boss? Where do we draw the line?

When we express our love for our partner through actions we tell them without words that we value them and our relationship with them. When we take actions that our partner should be doing for themselves... and that they are capable of doing, we diminish them in their eyes as well as our own. We are telling them through our actions that we want to control them and the outcome of the event.

In the beginning of relationships we might be excited to do whatever we can to please our partner. However, if over time we don't move toward balance in our actions, caretaking can occur causing resentment and unhappiness between partners.

We must ask ourselves... Is this something my partner should be doing for themselves? Is this something they are capable of doing? If we can answer yes to both of these questions then we have to wonder if we are caretaking rather than taking care. The most important question we ask ourselves is why am I doing this? Is this because I want to insure a particular outcome? Is this because I want control over this situation? We must try our best to be honest with ourselves.

Over time caretaking leads to resentment between partners. The partner doing the caretaking becomes resentful that their actions are not appreciated. The partner who has been subjected to caretaking behaviors feels they are thought of as being inept and that they are being treated like a child. Resentment that goes unresolved can turn to bitterness, undermining the relationship.

Why is Gratefulness Necessary?

2009-10-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

Gratefulness... what value does it have? Why is it necessary? How does it contribute to our recovery and healing?

When we work through our issues during the recovery process we come to understand why we made the choices we did. We open our eyes and see ourselves in truth. We strip away all the confusion and dithering and come to grips with what has transpired in our lives. We make no excuses for our situation and understand that we own our own power and can guide our lives along the path that has been laid before us.

We move through recovery advancing through the process one step at a time. We begin in denial and blame... afraid to acknowledge the truth of our situation. We work through those feelings until we come to a place where we can no longer define our situation in terms of wishful thinking. At this point we become angry as a result of all the pain and loss we have suffered due to our pasts and the choices we have made. As we work through our anger we come to a stage where we try to bargain our way out of the facing our feelings. When we finally are tired of trying to avoid our emotions we succumb to the truth. It is a time of extreme sadness and depression. We are overwhelmed with emotion and feel the full weight of our pain and loss. We grieve in earnest. In time we move through the pain to a place of acceptance. We understand that we cannot change what has happened and we accept that these events are a permanent part of our lives.

This process of recovery takes us through emotional upheaval. At the close of the process we are faced with the truth and our feelings as a regards our situation. There is yet one more step we must face in order to heal the wounds we suffered. We must learn to be grateful for our past and the choices we made in order to be freed from the emotional pain they carry.

This is the hardest step of all. How do we become grateful for the caretaker that abused us? How to we become grateful for the parent who incested us? How to we become grateful for the partner who abandoned us?

We become grateful through compassion. We begin to understand that we would not be who we are today without the lessons those events brought into our lives. We may not be able to be grateful for the events themselves, but we can be grateful for the growth and changes we experienced as a result of those events.

The child who grew up with an abusive caretaker becomes an especially capable parent. The adolescent who was incested becomes a counselor for those who have suffered that same crime and is more adept than others because of the empathy felt. The abandoned partner learns to be independent and develop their individuality, becoming their best self as a result.

While we are grieving we cannot even fathom ever feeling gratefulness toward the incidents that caused us such pain and loss. As we come through recovery and move toward our healthier self we learn that this last step is the one that places us on the road to emotional freedom.

Does My Partner Need An Intervention?

2009-10-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes in our lives our partner becomes hostage to some sort of addiction. We may be unable to help our partner alone. We may need the assistance of others in doing what is called an intervention. An intervention is done when we believe that our partner's addiction has grown to the point of interfering with their ability to live their life... when their addiction is creating serious problems for them and those they love. Here is an excellent piece by Debra Jay explaining in detail the process and promise of intervention.

How to Help a Loved One Who Doesn't Want Help by Debra Jay

The friends and relatives of addicts often feel forced to make a painful choice -- endure the addict’s destructive behavior or cut the addict out of their lives. There is a third option -- stage an intervention.

An intervention is a group effort by family and friends to convince an addict to seek treatment. Despite the widespread belief that addicts never change their ways until they hit bottom and are desperate for help, 80% to 85% of addicts agree to accept treatment when confronted with an intervention.

Interventions can be effective with drug addicts... alcoholics... gambling addicts... people with eating disorders... even seniors who refuse to acknowledge that it is no longer safe for them to live alone or drive a car.

How to make an intervention work... select the group... The power of interventions lies in the power of groups. Many addicts are masters of manipulating the individuals in their lives, but they find it more difficult to argue when those individuals join together. Contact the people the addict most loves, respects, needs, likes and admires. This typically means relatives and friends but also could include the addict’s coworkers, boss, neighbors, clergy and/or doctors. Explain that you are exploring the possibility of staging an intervention, and ask if they will attend a meeting to discuss this. At this point, do not ask anyone to commit to taking part in the intervention. The meeting is for them to learn more about the process.

Try to build a group of between three and eight people. Fewer, and you won’t have the power of a group on your side... more, and the intervention process could become too drawn out. Helpful: When staging an intervention for a parent or grandparent, include people from the addict’s generation or older. This increases the odds that the addict will respect the group’s opinion. Exclude anyone whom the addict strongly dislikes... anyone who is currently an addict him/herself... and anyone whom you suspect will be unable to keep the intervention plan secret from the addict.

When the group meets, explain why you think the addict’s behavior needs to be addressed and invite everyone present to share how the addict’s behavior has harmed him/her. Explain that an intervention is the most effective way to convince an addict to agree to treatment. Mention that the addict must not know about the intervention in advance, or he might not attend. Also... Have the group select a chairperson. This individual must be respected by the addict and be capable of remaining cool and responding intelligently if the addict argues.

Alternative: Hire a professional interventionist to serve as chairperson and plan and conduct the intervention. An addiction treatment center or support organization can help you find one. Expect to pay $2,500 to $5,000. If you would like assistance but cannot afford to hire a professional, you might be able to enlist the help of a member of the clergy or a member of your local Alcoholics Anonymous (or Narcotics Anonymous).

Ask every member of your intervention group to write a letter to the addict prior to the intervention. These letters will be read during the intervention, not mailed. They should follow this structure... Start with a heartfelt message of affection. Explain why you truly love, respect and/or admire the addict. Discuss some of his best qualities. This should be the longest part of the letter. Explain how the addiction is causing problems for you. Cite one to three specific, firsthand experiences from the past 12 months. Example: "You borrowed $3,000 from me in March, lost it gambling and never repaid me." Close the letter by reiterating your care and concern for the addict. Write in the first-person singular. Do not try to speak for anyone but yourself. Format it as you would an actual letter. Example: Open with "Dear Bob," and conclude with "Your loving brother, Tom." Each letter should be one-half to two double-spaced pages in length.

Have each group member prepare a separate written "bottom line" statement as well, to be read only if the addict initially refuses treatment. These bottom line statements lay out the consequences of not accepting help. Example: A wife might tell her husband that he cannot live in their house any longer if he refuses treatment... a parent or friend might say that there will be no more loans... an adult child might say that there will be no more visits by the grandkids.

Explain to the group the inpatient residential treatment options available to the addict. Before the group meets, research the options. A list of treatment centers can be found on our Web site http://link.bls.bottomlinesecrets.com/r/94J3NM/9Z45V/88XP3/2AWAL/RN9FG/XL/h/. Determine what the addict’s health insurance will cover... or ask if members of your intervention group will help pay the costs. Choose a treatment facility, and make arrangements for the addict’s arrival.

Hold an intervention rehearsal prior to the actual intervention. Ask the group to read their letters aloud, and strive together to edit out any anger -- voicing anger will only inspire anger from the addict. Decide the order in which the letters will be presented. The first and last presenters should be the two group members most loved and respected by the addict, to decrease the odds that the addict will walk out of the intervention at these crucial moments.
Schedule the intervention for a time when the addict is likely to be sober -- morning often is best. Hold it at the home of someone the addict respects.

The intervention: Let the addict believe that he is visiting this home for a different purpose, such as for a meal or to pick up money promised him. It will be obvious that this is not so once the addict steps through the door. The group all should be there before the addict arrives. To keep the addict from leaving, a close friend or family member should take the addict by the arm and guide him to a seat on a couch between two people he loves, with the rest of the group facing them. The chairperson should explain that the group has gathered because of their love and concern for the addict, and ask group members to read their letters.

After the letters are read, the chairperson should ask the addict if he is willing to accept the help that the group is offering. The addict is likely to offer objections (see below). If the addict refuses help, each group member should read his bottom line statement. If the addict tries to leave, the chairman should follow and try to convince the addict to return.

If help is accepted, bring the addict immediately to a treatment facility. Have a bag packed and someone ready to provide transportation. If the addict needs to make personal arrangements, allow this only from a cell phone in the car on the way to treatment.

Many addicts initially voice objections at an intervention. The intervention chairman must be ready with calm responses. Common addict arguments... "I don’t have a problem" or "I have my problem under control." To respond say, "People with this addiction usually are the last to realize that they have a problem. It’s time to get a professional’s assessment. If you don’t have a problem, a treatment center will let you know." Another argument may be toward a person in the group "You drink or gamble, etc., too." The response from is from the chairman (not the group member whom the addict has accused of sharing the problem) who should say, "Today we’re talking about you." If the addict persists, add, "The issue isn’t who drinks -- it’s what happens when we drink. For you, drinking alcohol causes problems." Another statement might be "I have one or two beers a day." This needs a response, but don’t get drawn into a debate about exactly how much the addict drinks (or uses drugs... or gambles). Instead say, "However much you drink, your behavior tells us it is too much." Another argument might be "I don’t need treatment. I can stop on my own." This too requires a response: Say, "The odds of success are better with help." If the addict refuses to budge on this issue, at least obtain a promise that the addict will stop drinking/taking drugs completely and seek treatment if he touches alcohol/drugs again, even once. Another statement might be "I can’t go to rehab, I have to go to work... take care of my dog... pay my bills (or some other responsibility)." This requires a response: Anticipate excuses, and before the intervention, recruit members of the group to handle the addict’s chores while he/she is away... pay the cost of treatment or determine whether it is covered by the addict’s health insurance... and/or explore the addict’s employer’s medical leave policy.

We cannot control the behavior of others. At the same time we cannot ignore it when someone we love is destroying themselves and their life as a result of addiction. Intervention is a tool available to us to assist us in getting our lives and our partners life back on track if the need arises. Of course, as our partner recovers from their addiction we continue to practice self care and letting go. In this way we continue on our path of recovery.

Know Thyself... and be less angry!!

2009-10-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

Why do we feel infuriated when we disagree with our partner over important issues in our relationship? When we disagree, why do we instinctively feel that we are right?

When events spiral out of control in our relationship we may become angry. We may feel as though our partner is on the attack. There is frustration and disagreement between ourselves and our partner. We may feel as though our partner is being unfair and unreasonable. Our defenses are primed. We may become unable to keep ourselves in a logical frame of mind. We may succumb to the temptation of playing the blame game.

All these defensive postures are designed to keep us from recognizing what is at the core of our anger. We are feeling vulnerable. We may not be certain that our partner is incorrect. On some level we may doubt the veracity of our position. We may feel that our partner has made their point well and we are too invested in our own position to admit that another possibility exists.

All these possibilities run through our head as we argue and debate our point with our partner. We both feel strongly. We each defend our positions well. We cannot sway the other to our side. At the close of our disagreement we may feel angry. We are entrenched in our position and blame our partner for their inability to see our point of view. But... the same could be said of us. We are at an impasse.

If we are able to put our ego aside, allow ourselves to eliminate blame from the equation we might be able to see our situation in a calmer more centered way. If we were able to view the facts in a dispassionate manner we might be able to avoid the confrontation. Both of those statements sound nice... but we are emotional, feeling, human beings. We can no more put aside our feelings and respond in a dispassionate manner than we can decide not to breathe any longer.

The answer is to recognize what is going on within ourselves... to acknowledge our own vulnerabilities and limitations. To know ourselves well enough to be able to be honest in our self appraisal. If we can accomplish this task we are in a much better position to be rational and compassionate during disagreements.

Am I Angry or Vulnerable?

2009-10-22T21:37:00.000-07:00

Let us think about this quote from a renowned marriage counselor and therapist, Steven Stosny, PhD. It is from his blog on Psychology Today's website entitled, Anger Management Techniques, Why They Fail.

At least a couple of times a year, I get asked by members of the press why anger management techniques don't work. (Actually, they can work on a temporary basis, if you remember to do them when you're angry. I'll get to why you're not likely to remember them in a bit.) The more important point is that anger does not need to be managed; rather, the sense of vulnerability that causes anger must be reduced.

The key to this quote is in the last sentence. Managing emotions is not the answer to reducing their impact upon us. The solution is to deal with the underlying issues that cause the emotions in the first place. When we enter into recovery our goal is to understand ourselves more completely. Through this process of self discovery we learn what it is that causes the feelings we experience.

When we have unearthed our issues, our next step is to employ the tools we have learned and practiced in our recovery steps to help us cope more effectively with our environment. In this way we take charge of our lives, we own our power and in the process are able to fully experience our emotions without fear of seeming vulnerable or incompetent.

Attempting to manage our emotions is akin to suppressing them. We have learned in recovery that whatever we attempt to control or suppress eventually ends up controlling us. Therefore if we attempt to control or suppress our anger, it eventually ends up controlling us. We cannot successfully suppress emotions. They will leak out sideways causing harm to us and those around us via passive aggressive pathways. We may be chronically late, irritable, have headaches, feel tired all the time, be unable to enjoy sex, have insomnia, or any one of numerous other symptoms.

Here's a second quote from Steven Stosny's same article for our perusal.

Anger occurs in humans and animals when they perceive vulnerability and threat. The more vulnerable you feel, the more threat you will perceive.

The issue to effectively deal with then, is that of fear, vulnerability and the associated shame that accompanies these emotions. The recovery work that we practice, the tools that we employ and the success we enjoy in our lives works because we do address these underlying issues and fears. We take the time needed to become experts at ourselves... to fully reintegrate all parts of ourselves back into the whole person we once were. That our efforts yield results is a testament to the effectiveness of our philosophy, the diligence of our work and the quality of our tools.

Behind the Veil of Lies

2009-10-21T21:28:00.000-07:00

When lying becomes a way of life... when we are unwilling to be ourselves and hide behind a veil of lies... when lying takes on a life of it's own... Why does this happen? Can we stop the pattern?

We are five years old. We are a home with the babysitter while Mom and Dad have dinner out with friends. The sitter lets us stay up past our bedtime and watch TV. It is fun to stay up late and be naughty. We scurry off to bed just before Mom and Dad arrive. The next day when Mom asks if we got to bed on time, we say yes. We have learned to lie. We have learned that we can be naughty, have fun, tell a lie and get away with it.

We are fifteen years old. We go out with friends and smoke pot. We forget our curfew and come home thirty minutes late. We tell our parents that we were watching a movie and wanted to see the end. They accept the story. We learn that we can take illicit drugs, feel good, lose track of time, miss our curfew, have fun, tell a lie and get away with it.

We are twenty five years old. We are married and have a brand new baby in our life. We aren't getting enough sleep, still have to work during the day and feel overwhelmed. A coworker seems quite empathetic toward our situation and gives us much needed sympathy and attention. We begin to have inappropriate feelings toward our coworker. Our partner is unaware of the developing situation. Eventually we enter into an affair. Over the next few months we find we feel confused and guilty and end the indiscretion. Our partner has noticed our distance and asks us if there is a problem in the relationship. We say we are tired and just need more rest. Eventually the baby begins to sleep through the night and our relationship stabilizes once again. We learn that we can have a brief affair, feel good, regret our decision, change our mind, not be discovered, tell a lie and get away with it.

We are now forty years old. We have lied our way in and out of circumstances for most of our life. As a result we have never learned how to deal with the consequences of our actions and have never developed a set of strong personal values. We have been able to manipulate our way out of sticky situations and never had to face the proverbial music. Our business life has been profitable. Then the economy collapses causing us to face massive losses. We cannot lie or manipulate our way out of this situation and have no skills with which to cope. We are lost.

When lies are not caught or challenged we may learn that we can cheat the lessons of life. That is inaccurate. Sooner or later everybody's bill comes due. As we have passed through the years manipulating situations and people through our lies we have never learned how to cope with actual consequences. When we can no longer wiggle out of our proverbial bed that we have made we feel lost and unable to cope.

At this point we have a choice. We can begin to learn coping skills and adopt tools to get us through life, or we can cry foul and decry the fairness of the world. It is the choice we should have learned as a child or teen, even as a young adult that is forced upon us at midlife. How we cope and the decisions we make will be a true test of our character. Will we whine and cry? Or will we finally step up to the plate as a responsible adult? The choice is ours.

The Truth or A Lie? A Quandary!

2009-10-20T23:52:00.000-07:00

What would happen if we never told any lies at all, if we answered every question with complete honesty? Would we be able to maintain our relationships?

Our partner asks us if their clothes look attractive... we look and see that the colors they have chosen make their skin look drab and dull. We stop and think... do we tell them the truth? Or do we say something nice so they feel good. We value honesty... but we also value compassion... we have a decision to make. If we tell the truth our partner has the opportunity to change their clothes and look better. We might hurt our partners feelings in the process. If we don't tell the truth we tell a lie and break our promise of honesty. A real quandary exists. What is more important... truth or compassion?

Our boss asks us if we have time available to complete a special project that will earn us the chance for a promotion in our firm. We are up to our eyeballs in alligators and don't even have time for the work load we already have on our desk. Do we tell the truth and turn down the opportunity for possible advancement? Or do we tell a lie and take on the additional work knowing we will have to work nights and weekends without pay to make up the time? Which is more important... truth or advancement?

In each of these situations we have decisions to make regarding events that occur in everyday life. We are often asked for our input by our partner in decisions that may affect their self esteem. In many instances we opt for compassion over truth. We do this because we are interested in enhancing our partner's self worth. We may decide that telling the truth would offer no gain in the relationship, whereas giving a compassionate answer may keep their self esteem intact over an unimportant issue.

When we are asked by our boss to take on additional responsibility we realize that we are being offered an opportunity to show leadership and the capability to handle a more complex workload. Since we are interested in promotions we take on the challenge even though it involves telling our boss a lie. We understand that we must invest the hours to make the decision work to our benefit. We choose the route to advancement over telling the truth.

In both of these instances we may have opted to tell a lie rather than the truth. We have weighed the value of honesty against compassion in one instance and against the chance for promotion in the other. Is it impossible to be completely honest in our day to day lives? Can we maintain our integrity and be compassionate at the same time?

As we learn the art of interacting with others during our formative years we begin a process we will continue over our lifetime of weighing and balancing truth with the need to be compassionate toward others. As we enter the business world and begin our career we learn that honesty must be weighed against our desire for advancement.

Although we long to live by our virtue of integrity, we learn that basic human interactions are complex and cannot survive well in a world built solely on truth. Compassion may require us not disclose certain facts. The need for advancement may overshadow our need to be completely honest. As long as we continue to weigh each decision individually with compassion and the ultimate desire to be as honest as possible we will continue to display compassion and dedication in our daily lives.

There is, of course, inherent danger in telling any lies, no matter how small or insignificant we may think they are at the time. We must never confuse blind ambition with dedication. We must never confuse selfish needs over compassion. So long as we are able to keep our perspective and be mindful of our responsibility to ourselves and others we will remain healthy and balanced in all our relationships.

Lying, Insecurity and Alcoholism

2009-10-18T13:09:00.000-07:00

When faced with a situation where our partner feels insecure or unsure they lie. We have discovered that their parent(s) were alcoholics. What happens to us when we are raised in an environment where one or both of our caretakers are alcoholics? Is this an underlying reason for their habit of lying?

There is a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that is a 12 Step Program based on the principles of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that has a great deal of information about behavior patterns in adult children. This is the place to begin our journey for answers.

Lying is often related to self esteem issues. That doesn't mean that there can't be more serious problems, but generally when alcoholism is involved, so is self esteem. Very often adult children grow up in constant chaos as their alcoholic parent(s) drinks themselves into oblivion in front of them. Our partner may never have felt safe or secure in their early lives. They may have lived in a home that was always in a shambles either physically, emotionally or both.

The effect of having a parent who is an alcoholic cannot be underestimated. Very often children in alcoholic homes never learn to self soothe. They don't have parents who set appropriate limits and boundaries so they never learn what acceptable behavior looks like. They may be aware that they don't have appropriate social skills but have no clue where to find out how to behave.

There is great hope in counseling for ACOA. Many have been able to recover from the trauma of their childhoods due to alcoholic family members. It may take time and a great deal of patience by both our counselor and our partner. This type of recovery program may involve us learning to set boundaries and limits with our partner as well as our partner learning to face their fears and allow themselves to be seen for who they are without the masks. Our partner has lived without consequences for lying for most of their adult life. That will have to change.

The fact that our partner doesn't react with emotion may mean that they have learned how to stop feeling. As a result of the pain of trauma during childhood, our partner has chosen to freeze all feelings rather than face them. This is common in trauma survivors. As children they needed this defense mechanism to survive. Now as adults, it no longer serves a purpose and is actually the cause of difficulties occurring in our relationship. As they defrost and begin to feel again they can become very depressed and/or angry for a while as they process all the pain and loss they have been supressing.

That can be a very difficult time for both our partner and ourselves. Recall that our partner has some very positive qualities that we value... loyalty, humbleness, deference, good heartedness, excellent business person, handsome looking. Our partner is also intelligent and capable. These are some very positive statements. We must recall that we love our partner very much. There is a question we ask partners in couples counseling...

Are we happy with our relationship at least 50% of the time?

Remember, this isn't just about the flaws our partner has... we all have some real whoppers... our partner needs to learn judgement and appropriate behavior in a safe environment.

There is much benefit for us to be found in doing some reading on ACOA. There are some excellent materials available in bookstores, online through Amazon and at ACOA meetings. Here is the link to ACOA http://www.adultchildren.org/ . Click on "the problem" in the first paragraph to learn about the disease and what it feels like for the adult child. Here is a link for some recovery books. http://www.cyberus.ca/~rocksoft/teddysrule/readings/re_bibli.html

Addiction or Dedication... Which Am I?

2009-10-16T22:27:00.001-07:00

What is the difference between addiction and dedication? Why is one destructive and the other constructive?

Work is a healthy necessary vital part of one's life. However, there are workaholics who lose their ability to get pleasure from other parts of their lives and find comfort only in work. We migrate from acceptable to destructive in that example and from dedicated to addicted.

Pain killers are a necessity after surgery. We would be unable to tolerate the enormous pain we would suffer without them. As we heal we take less and less of the pain killers until we no longer need them. When we do not take less and less, we become addicted to them. We have again moved from acceptable to destructive.

The point of addiction arrives when the substance or activity is interfering with our ability to live our lives, enjoy healthy pleasures and interact with others in positive meaningful ways. Through abuse we can become addicted to virtually anything... diet soda, sugar, McDonalds, gambling, illicit drugs, porn, sky diving, even violence and hostility can become addicting. When a substance or activity becomes addictive it destroys our ability to remain peaceful and centered, to practice self care and enjoy our daily lives.

Constructive substances and activities enhance the quality of our lives. They may give meaning and pleasure to our routines and enhance our enjoyment. It is easy to move from constructive to destructive when we become unbalanced. When we seek to escape from the pressures of daily life in unhealthy ways we may take constructive activities or substances and allow them to become destructive.

This is the reason we participate in recovery. Through our ability to practice self care and look within at our own truths we keep ourselves in balance. We remind ourselves not to struggle against the ebb and flow of the universe and allow our higher power to guide us on our chosen path. Through recovery work we learn to practice self care and return to balance in all areas of our lives.

Shame... Obsession... and Recovery

2009-10-15T23:04:00.000-07:00

Thomas J. Scheff, Sociologist has made some observations about shame, humiliation and obsession. These views are an excellent reminder of the reason we take recovery to heart, making time each day to practice self care and keep our tools sharp. We are grateful for the role recovery plays in our lives keeping us from being absorbed by humiliation and shame. We know who we are, we are honest with ourselves about our capabilities and our flaws. We see ourselves in truth. Each of us has our unique gifts and we celebrate them in our daily lives.
Here are Thomas Schreff's words.

Many of us have painful obsessions, lasting for hours, days, weeks or months. Someone has been rude or rejecting, so we think about what we should have said, or how we could have avoided the incident entirely. These thoughts go on night and day. We try to think about other matters or do other things, but we eat obsession with breakfast, lunch and dinner. These small obsessions eventually leave. We can still remember the moment, but the pain and compulsion have disappeared. What happened?

Perhaps emotions are the secret, particularly humiliation or shame. Instead of acknowledging the pain in the moment, we internalize it. The danger is that we can become ashamed of being ashamed, and so on, a spiral. People who blush, for example, can be ashamed of the blush, and so blush even more, round and round. So humiliation can spiral to the point that it haunts us. Emotions, at their core, are bodily states of arousal. It is bodily arousal over which we have no direct control that makes the obsession painful and compulsive.

At times, instead of merely swallowing the insult, we responds in kind, either in the moment, or more likely, in thinking about it afterwards. Instead of suffering humiliation in silence, we activate our defense... anger. We are still obsessed, but are now driven by anger about being humiliated, and shame about being angry, a loop. Both shame and shame/anger spirals can lead to endless obsession.

As we remember who we are and were we began our journey into recovery we can appreciate how easy it might be to allow ourselves to spiral out of control into the dark recesses of obsession and shame. We practice self care giving ourselves all we need to create a safe place where we can blossom. Our tools are our lifeline keeping us grounded in our gifts and our abilitiy to create a better tomorrow for ourselves and those we love.

Relationships in Step Families

2009-10-13T23:16:00.000-07:00

Wednesday Martin, Ph.D, author of the book, Stepmonster, has some truths to share with us about the possibilities that may occur in step families when relationships begin to deteriorate over time and those involved are not in recovery. Here is her perspective.

One of the ugliest truths of stepfamily reality, I learned as I researched my book Stepmonster, is competition. Namely, competition between the woman with stepkids and her husband's kids for the husband/father's time, attention, and assets. In spite of our culture's insistence that divorced and remarried men with kids can jerry rig a life where "both his kids and his wife come first," and regardless of our notion that women should just "put his kids first because it's right," we live in the real world. And in that real world, the longitudinal studies by Bray, Ahrons, and Hetherington tell us, kids of all ages often find themselves in loyalty binds, leading them to treat their stepmothers in unkind ways. Other kids who have been parented permissively post- divorce (a common phenomenon) may act out well into adulthood, blaming their stepmothers for their parent's divorce even when it isn't the case, and failing to treat their father, his marriage and his wife with respect. Divorced fathers, for their part, too often refuse to require civil behavior from their kids toward stepmom, out of guilt that the kids went through a divorce, and fear that if they draw the line, the kids will walk away forever. And finally, more than a few stepmothers who want very badly to get stepmothering right will find themselves depleted from years of rebuffs; they may retreat in disappointment or frustration, in an effort to protect themselves and preserve their dignity. Steprelations, the experts cited above tell us, are virtually never effortless, and they are frequently difficult.

With that sobering thought in mind let us look carefully at our recovery process making sure that we are practicing self care and using our tools in our daily lives. This graphic illustration of what can happen when people attempt to brush issues aside, or pretend that problems don't exist brings home the tragic reality that when the truth is ignored both adults and children suffer needlessly. If those in these relationships were practicing self care and moving forward in their recovery journey their outcomes would all be more positive in the long run. This is not to say that real issues do not surface regardless, but dealing with them as they arise in an effective manner reduces their long term impact and promotes more positive interactions.

We are all responsible for the quality of our relationships and the effort we put forth to make those special ties work as well as possible. As we move forward in our recovery we add value to all our partnerships and those we care most about in our lives.

Recovery from Trauma, Stress and Abuse

2009-10-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

There are many articles on trauma and stress. This one is excellent and addresses many of the issues we face in our relationships. It is interesting to note that the field of psychology has determined to give a diagnosis to the condition we in recovery have long termed codependency. As we practice our tools and increase our self esteem we overcome so many of these difficulties in our daily lives. Here are some excerpts from the article for our review.

The Effects of Prolonged Psychological Trauma and Abuse by Brian Trappler, M.D.

There was a time when mental health professionals attempted to fit all trauma-related symptoms into the single category of PTSD. Several years after PTSD was adopted , studies revealed that this diagnosis captured only a limited scope of post-traumatic symptoms.
Several studies of traumatized children reported patterns of unmotivated aggression and impulse control, dissociative symptoms and difficulties negotiating interpersonal relationships. Others studied victims who had survived rape or incest during childhood. Their findings also illustrated problems not captured in PTSD. Instead, these victims appeared to have a compromised sense of safety, self worth, and an inability to self-soothe.

People who have been in any type of prolonged abuse situation, including hostages, abused children and battered spouses, may continue to feel and behave as victims as a result of the sense of danger they felt when they were in the abusive situation... it never passed from their conscious or unconscious memory. Throughout their lives, they describe themselves as feeling emotionally dead inside... other people may see them as being detached. Almost twenty years after psychological effects of trauma had been squeezed into the label of PTSD, there emerged a new term for this syndrome: Complex Trauma.

The following symptoms may occur in people with prolonged histories of inter-personal trauma: disturbances in perception of self and others, patterns of trauma re-enactment, inability to regulate mood, the adoption by victims of the belief systems of their tormentors, a loss of a coherent sense of self, an inability to engage in stable or trusting relationships, and an inability to free themselves from the abuse dynamic. While some victims became abusers themselves, others appeared to become compulsively attracted to predators. By so doing, they continued a repetition-compulsion of their childhood abuse into their adult relationships. Complex trauma may cause changes in the following areas of development:

1. Alterations in mood and impulse control
2. Alterations in attention or consciousness
3. Symptoms of a somatic nature
4. Alterations in self-perception
5. Alterations in relations with others
6. Alterations in perception of the perpetrator
7. Alterations in systems of meaning

Complex Trauma may cause damage to the following areas of interpersonal functioning:

1. The capacity to feel secure and emotionally comfortable in relationships
2. The capacity to feel empowered in relationships with others (via empathic engagement)
3. The skills required for self-awareness.
4. The skills required for affect-regulation and self-soothing
5. The personal sense of boundaries
6. The ability to preserve world beliefs and a sense of meaning
7. The ability to stay anchored and mindful during stress (as opposed to dissociating)
8. The ability to tolerate a full range of emotions without being overwhelmed or shutting down

We can be grateful that we have the tools necessary to combat the effects of trauma, stress and abuse in our daily lives. We practice self care increasing our self esteem and moving ever so steadily toward acceptance. In this way we continue to give ourselves the gift of hope.

Where's Your National Pride?

2009-10-09T23:47:00.000-07:00

Today was a milestone. Our President, Barack Obama, was awarded the Noble Peace Prize for his teams work in their efforts to reshape the global attitude toward stopping terrorism and striving for a nuclear free world. It was the first time in many years that I was able to be proud, once again, to be an American.

Please don't misunderstand, I have always been proud of my citizenship of our country, but these last years have been quite embarrassing for America in several areas. We have tortured prisioners against the Geneva Convention, of which we are signers. We have invaded another country without proper cause, and in the process lost sight of our real goal in the mid east. We have increased the income of the top 1% earners in our country at the expense of the poor and middle class. We have gone from a budget surplus to a multi trillion dollar deficit. We have become the worlds largest international debtor. We have allowed in exess of 44 million of our countrymen to be without health insurance, directly contributing over 40,000 of them dieing each year.

It is horrifying, to say the least, to see what has happened in our country. The place that was supposed to be one of the best places on earth... where people could live decent respectable lives without having to work themselves to death... "...life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness..."

What happened? How did we go from that ideal to being slaves to giant, multi-national corporations? Theives that run our banks... that are now "too big to fail" taking huge bonuses with the public's money? Investment institutions that make up new types of gambling style investments that rape those who get sucked into buying them? While being regulated by no one?

Finally, the public being enslaven by the health care industry... specifically the insurance cartel... the one that charges a fortune, pays it's executives in the neighborhood of $57,000 an hour and denies coverge for whatever they deem a pre-existing condition or an unnecessary procedure? Who made up these rules and put them into a health insurance policy? What happened to those who regulate the insurance industry? Were they asleep at the switch?

Isn't the purpose of heath insurance to insure that we can affort to get health care... especially when we need it the most... when we are sick? How is anyone supposed to heal when they are worrying about how to pay the bills that are sure to arrive even when they have health insurance? Or worse yet... can't see a doctor because they don't have health insurance and can't afford to buy it!

What happened to our country? How did we end up with radio and television talk show hosts making policy in Washington by exaggerating, spewing lies and filling up the airwaves with garbage in a 24 hour news cycle? These people are interested in one thing... ratings... why? because ratings effectively line their pockets... they say so themselves!!

How did we end up with a Congress that doesn't have term limits? Who can take campaign funds from whomever they please, vote however they please... oftentimes not in line with their constituents, but with their donors... and still get re-elected. How did we end up with politicians who are totally out of touch with the American public, who rely on skewed polls instead of finding out by asking the people they were elected to represent... the American people... what they want.

It is too easy to yell and scream at phoney Town Hall meetings. It's too easy to sit on the sidelines and pass judgement about what others may or may not think and feel. It is too easy to do nothing except talk about one's opinion... as though talking about it has any effect... it doesn't. We can all argue and talk until we are blue in the face, but if we don't get up off our couches and DO something, nothing will change.

There are things we can do. We can pick up the phone and call our Congressional Representatives and Senators. We can write a letter or send an email to those same folks letting them know what we want and how we feel about the issues upon which they will vote, and about what we think of them taking campaign funds from lobbyists who are lobbying against our best interests... the American people.

We can all band together and ask for a national referendum imposing term limits on Congress. We desperately need to break the pattern of insulated out of touch behavior in Washington. Two terms is enough. Congress will never vote themselves term limits... they won't vote themselves out of a job. Congress would be much healthier if they only served a maximum of two terms... like so many other elected officials we would get a chance for change. The effectiveness of lobbying would be lessened to a degree that might make governing the actual priority of our Senators and Congressional Representatives. Wouldn't that be change we can believe in?

Let us take action. There are issues before Congress this year that will impact our lives for generations to come... health care... environmental protection... the war in Afghanistan and Iraq... ending Don't Ask Don't Tell... balancing the budget and ending our dependence on foreign investment... investing in renewable energy... breaking the barriers between politics and governing...

We have a job to do. We each count. We each need to act to make a difference. It is never too late to become part of our country and make our voices heard. The time for allowing the media to set the standards in Washington is over. Nature abhors a vacuum. Let us not leave a vacuum. Let our voices be heard, whether we agree or not is unimportant, just as long as we speak our minds... we are all vital. We are all guaranteed free speech by the Bill of Rights. Let us exercise our right to be heard!!

Am I Still In Love?

2009-10-07T22:58:00.001-07:00

What do we do when we feel that in love feeling changing in our relationship? Does that happen to everyone? Does it mean our relationship is over, or doomed?

When we first meet our partner we feel excited, we look forward to our next time together with great anticipation. We enjoy our shared experiences and tend not to notice each others flaws. We are in love.

If our brains were scanned in an MRI during this early phase of our relationship while looking at a photo of our new partner, we would show the same type of energy patterns as obsessive compulsive disorder.

Thinking about this we understand that this makes perfect sense. We are obsessed with our new romance. We are compulsive about our appearance and the condition of our living space. We think about our new partner almost all the time. This level of energy is pleasant and exciting, but in the long term unsustainable. If all goes well, eventually our relationship matures into one of committed intimacy.

Some of us are troubled by the change in feelings. We may not understand that these are normal,. healthy, mature feelings that grow out of the initial lusty times we shared in the beginning of our new partnership. If we believe that our relationship is in trouble we may make foolish choices, leaving to again find that in love sensation we found when our interactions were new.

We need to come to understand that the changes in emotion are what we seek. We do want the security and stability of a long term committed intimate relationship. That is were we may flourish both as individuals and partners.

Being in love with the in love feelings causes some of us to fly from relationship to relationship, never finding what we truly seek... the love of self and the intimacy of a mature partnership. We are worth more than just a flash in the pan. We are worthy of true deep intimacy. We can find what we seek.

Remember... we attract who we are, not what we want.

What Is Anger?

2009-10-06T23:26:00.000-07:00

How do we cope with angry feelings? Is anger important? What does it mean when we are angry? What tools do we use to respond rather than react to our anger?

There are countless sayings regarding anger. Some are worth repeating as they hold truths that contain wisdom.

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die" Malachy McCourt

Anger has value. It is an emotion that acts as a stop sign, indicating that our boundaries or values have been violated. If we learn to recognize anger as a useful tool and pay attention when it arises within us, we can avoid the unanswered anger hardening into bitterness and resentment.

"Anger is one letter short of danger." Unknown

How many times have we spoken in anger only to be unable to take back those angry words later? Angry words are like slicing a feather pillow open on the highway while driving and letting all the feathers fly out the window. Can you ever pick them all up?

"Do not teach your children never to be angry, teach them how to be angry." Lyman Abott

Being able to feel and respond appropriately to anger is an important skill in relationships. We must be able to find our voice when our boundaries have been breached. We must be able to speak up and defend ourselves without becoming disagreeable.

"Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel." Unknown

Being angry allows us to express ourselves in a way that honors and respects the person with whom we are angry. We are permitted to voice our opinion and defend our boundaries and values so long as we do not violate the boundaries and values of the other person.

"I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to." Unknown

We have the capacity to choose... to respond... we do not have to react to every situation that presents itself. We can opt out. We can ask ourselves... Will this matter in five years? If the answer is no... the next question is does it really matter today?

''Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Buddha

Anger, though it has value as a tool, loses it's value when it becomes a way of life. When we feel angry all the time, or our anger lurks just below the surface waiting to burst out at any provocation... we have lost it's usefulness and have become it's prisoner. We must respond to our anger when it appears and not try to sweep things under the rug. The truth is... there is no rug. We may think we can just let it go, but the hard truth is that we may be unable to let it go without solving the underlying issue. When anger surfaces again and again it is an indication that there is some underlying problem that is demanding to be addressed. Refusing to acknowledge this indication may lead to bitterness and resentment.

"The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk." Jacqueline Schiff

There is a great deal of research showing that taking a brisk walk helps to diffuse anger. Getting ourselves out of the situation, giving ourselves a chance to be alone, think, analyse and process our disagreement may give us the opportunity to reach consensus when we reunite. Additionally, the physical activity releases endorphins... the feel good chemical in the brain that helps alleviate pain and lifts spirits.

Sex, Love or Intimacy?

2009-10-02T23:13:00.001-07:00

Sex is fully one third of every long term committed relationship. It is an important way for partners to stay connected and physically healthy... seniors who enjoy a steady sexual connection tend to be healthier and live longer... It is also a vital part of feeling good about oneself.

All that aside, sex is also an external expression of what is happening in the emotional life of a relationship. When partners are having difficult times due to disease, personal loss, job loss, economic stress or child rearing problems, their sexual activities and desire for sexual release may wane. As people age their sexuality changes as well. Compassion and tenderness are required to get through the difficult times and back to balance.

It is common for couples who do not have effective communication skills to face challenges in their relationships. Using their sexual activity and their personal desire for sexual release as a barometer may give partners an early indicator that there are underlying issues needing attention, clarification and resolution.

There is much to be said for spontaneity and pursuit on an occasional basis. It can greatly enhance the quality of the partners sexual experience. There is also much to be said for planned sex dates when partners have busy lives and active families. Jobs and chores may leave partners exhausted and unwilling.

The one area to avoid is using sexual activity as a substitute for love. Sex is not a substitute for intimacy which requires emotional availability and trust between partners. It is also not a substitute for love which requires that partners care about one another and place their mates needs before their own.

Sex is important. It plays a vital role in our continuity as a species. It is the reason that we humans are driven to find a mate and procreate. Without a sustainable sexual drive we humans would be extinct.

Does Our Relationship Need A Patch?

2009-09-30T23:02:00.001-07:00

What do we do when we hit a rough patch in our relationship? How do we make it through to the other side?

All long term committed relationships find they hit difficult times at some point. Partners suffer disappointments in their lives and these effect the relationship. Health issues can cause much stress and strain during times of illness, whether it's a member of the partnership or an extended family member. Body changes that occur during menopause and andropause may cause challenging times within a relationship. There may be times when one or both of the partners suffers the loss of a loved one. All these situations have the capacity to temporarily derail the partnership.

How do we get back on track? What can we do to minimize the damage? How do we support our partner, or garner support when we need it?

The key to getting out relationship back on track is regaining our balance. Life is not always easy or fair. This is a truism that each of us comes to accept in our own time. Wonderful people get horrible diseases and die young. Cruel people may benefit via the destruction of others throughout their lifetimes. The hardest thing about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is what each of us will face at some point in our lives.

We regain our balance by practicing acceptance and gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for in our daily lives. We try our best to focus on those things. We practice empathy and compassion for our partner as they struggle with their issues or losses. Change and the ensuing adjustment to those changes is difficult and painful. We do the best that we can to offer comfort and compassion to our partner as they face reality. This does not mean that we become another's doormat. We continue to practice self care, recognizing that healthy boundaries are an integral part of our healthy relationship. We may decide to overlook some unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to be compassionate, so long as they do not affect our self esteem.

When we are the one facing difficult times we try to be as calm as possible. We explain our situation in as much detail as we can to our partner, so as to provide them with the necessary information to cope with our difficulty. We try to be specific in our request for support letting our needs be known and not assuming that our partner will know what to do to help us. When we need to vent or be heard we explain that we don't actually need our partner to do anything but listen and be empathetic. In this way we free our partner from feeling impotent in the situation. We take time each day to practice self care, especially paying attention to our stress levels and using our tools (meditation, breathing, guided imagery, pampering) to manage them within acceptable limits.

When the challenges have passed the key to regaining intimacy and balance is gratefulness. We make sure we share with our partner how important their support has been throughout the ordeal, noting specific instances where their efforts have produced positive results for us. This type of validation and appreciation brings closure to the event and gives the supporting partner the proverbial shot in the arm they deserve for standing by us throughout the ordeal.

Compassion and empathy displayed often yields compassion and empathy returned. We attract what we are... not what we want. As long as we remember this ultimate truth we will be clear about how we are to behave in our relationships.

Having Trust Issues?

2009-09-29T22:02:00.001-07:00

Trust issues are common after the ending of a long term relationship. Our self esteem has been battered and our ego has been badly bruised. How do we overcome our lack of trust and enjoy intimacy once again?

When we begin trying to connect with a new person we wait for the other shoe to drop, because in the past it did. Dealing with trust issues takes guts. We have to look at ourselves and figure out what part of the failure of our relationship was our responsibility... we all have some, even if it's just 1%.

Once we face ourselves naked, so to speak, we will know who we are when no one is looking. At that point we will understand that the trust issues aren't really about anyone but ourselves. We no longer trust ourselves to discern when someone is deceiving us. We need to begin to trust ourselves again, slowly, to learn to trust our gut once again.

We will learn that the body never lies. We will get that feeling in the pit of our stomach when someone is bs'ing us and we will learn to pay attention to it rather than thinking we are just reacting inappropriately. We will learn discernment, who to trust and when and where that trust is appropriately given. We will learn not to reveal too much about ourselves too soon in a new relationship before we have gotten to know our new partner well enough. We don't want to load the gun that may be pointed at our preverbial head somewhere down the road. We will learn that we do have the capacity to tell when someone is behaving in ways that are not in our best interest. That we can tell when we are being deceived. That we are capable of protecting ourselves from being hurt, and still be open enough to enjoy intimacy with a responsible accountable partner.

It's a process that takes some time, but we will get there. We will use our tools, practice self care in our daily lives and embrace the changes that will come with recovery.

Want To Feel More Loving?

2009-09-28T23:07:00.000-07:00

What happened to all the good feelings I used to have toward my partner? Why do I feel so irritated and upset toward my partner when we quarrel? How can I get back to feeling more loving?

During the course of a committed relationship we may find themselves becoming insensitive toward our partner. We forget just how special it is to be loved by someone who is not a blood relative of ours. We may forget that it takes a great deal of understanding and empathy to live with another human being. We forget that we have as many flaws (or more) as we see in our partner.

It is easy to point our finger at our partner and complain about some irritation that we have encountered. It is much harder to stop, think about whether or not this irritation is truly important, and decide whether or not to let it pass unspoken. How many times has our partner not complained about our missteps? A good measure of whether or not something is worth pursuing might be, "Will this matter in five years?" If the answer is no, maybe it doesn't matter today either.

There are more than enough serious issues that occupy partners in their everyday lives. We need to learn to let the trivial remain as such as keep alive the gratefulness we should feel, to be sharing our lives with someone we believe is special.

As we practice gratefulness in our daily lives we will give our partner what each of us truly yearns for... acceptance. More than any other area of our lives our primary relationship is the one in which we long to be accepted for who we really are. We wish to not need to wear masks with our partner, to be able to be ourselves and be loved as such. When we receive that gift within our relationship we feel valued, loved and special. We can then share that loving feeling with our partner and others in our life.

So the answer to the question... How can I get back to feeling more loving? Is to give unconditional love to our partner expecting nothing in return. In the process of giving freely of ourselves we open the door for real compassion and love to return to us. We attract not what we want, but who we are. If we remember this in all our endeavors we will be able to walk the path that leads to fulfillment by becoming the person within.

Whats Love About Anyway?

2009-09-26T22:51:00.000-07:00

These are excerpts from an excellent piece in Psychology Today entitiled: Why breaking up is often harsh to do, by Jeremy Sherman, PhD. After reading over the material I had the distinct feeling that he had hit on something that rang true. I post it here to get your input.

Why Breaking Up is Often Harsh To Do

I once broke up with the same person twice. The first time she left disgusted with me and boy, did I miss her. The second time she left honoring me and I hardly missed her. This informal somewhat-controlled experiment exposed how much my love was about how I felt about myself by means of relationship. If she pockets my self-esteem on her way out the door, I join the lonely people. If she leaves blessing me, I'm OK.

How my relationships have ended often had carry-over effects that drove me to get into the next. If it ends with me feeling like a failure, I'm eager for a shot at redemption and get into the next too soon. And getting in too soon means the angst from the last relationship persisted well into the next. I suspect many of us experience this revolving door effect. It's a reason to either stay with one partner for better or for worse, to put yourself in enforced "quarantine" while you heal between relationships, or to cultivate the art of breaking up generously so the toxic reside doesn't last long.

Breaking up generously: Most people would sign on to that in principle. In practice though an enormous amount of us dis our partners as we exit. That's a problem with all platitudes like "be generous." We hold them as absolute principles but can make exceptions pretty much any time it's time to apply them. So rather than just pledging to be generous on the way out, it's better to try to understand why so often we are at least tempted not to be.

Friendship is a kind of mutual endorsement by means of cooperation. In any friendship, a habit of throwing down peace signs is established. But as the friendship starts to break down, the temptation to compete and the risks of cooperating increase for both parties. Knowing this makes the temptation even greater. After all, if the other party is about to defect on you, you'd better beat him or her to it. It becomes like two-person hot potato. Neither party wants to be left cooperating at close range with someone competitive. That's why you start backing out. You don't want to be at close range. It's also why you start dissing. If someone has to be stuck with the hot potato, you want it to be your soon-to-be ex-friend, not you.

As high stakes as the game is in friendships, in romantic partnerships the stakes get much higher. If friends offer endorsement, romantic partners offer uber-endorsement. At its aspired-to ideal it's not just "You're a good person among good people," it's "You're magic. You have exclusive powers to move me."

In the high-stakes game of romance, the temptation to cooperate at the beginning is very strong. That's what makes new lovers surge toward each other. Every inch toward greater intimacy is an inch toward greater endorsement. Trouble is, once you've surged all the way in there's no place to go but out, and every inch backing out can feels like an uber-disendorsement. Once the backing out begins, it's eat or be eaten. That's a key to why couples breaking up are often so critical.

Cyberspace: Danger Ahead

2009-09-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

There have been many questions posed regarding cyber sex, infidelity, online safety and appropriate limits to these relationships as regards our primary partnership.

There are two types of affairs that occur in committed relationships. There is the betrayal that occurs when one partner has a physical relationship outside the partnership. That type of betrayal may or may not involve emotional attachment.

There is also the emotional affair. Emotional affairs are particularly dangerous because the parties involved are building intimacy with a person who is not a part of their primary relationship.

When intimacy is built outside of the primary relationship walls tend to go up between partners. There is an instinctive reaction to back away, to retreat from the openness and trust that existed before one partner began to need to hide their feelings and actions from the other.

Neither of these affairs is positive or beneficial for the long term health of the relationship. Any time one partner must behave covertly, the line between acceptable interaction and unacceptable interaction has been crossed.

In cyberspace, where honesty and deception can easily become interwoven during texting and chatting, the specter of anonymity allows people to entertain ideas that they might not in live interactions. For this reason care must be taken when online to be wary of predators and abusers. The inability to read body language, tone of voice and gestures makes it easy for those who would deceive.

Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites can be great places to share tidbits of everyday life with family and friends or conduct business. Finding classmates from the past can be fun, but chatting with former beaus may carry the risk of opening up old feelings that may not belong in the present.

As long as partners don't password protect their computers from one another and allow each other free access (whether it's used or not) to each others web pages, there should be no reason for concern. Use common sense, when it feels like it's going in the wrong direction and you wonder if you should continue, you probably shouldn't.

Parents, Step Parents and Children's Needs

2009-09-24T22:49:00.000-07:00

Children need two parents in their lives, whether they are married to one another or not. They also need stability and routine to help them feel grounded, keep their world orderly and allow them to feel safe. There is much psychological evidence to support those facts. Some parents may forget at times that our children are developing and have different needs than we do as adults.

Step parents often have a difficult time adjusting to the fact that their role is limited. They may want to impress their new partner with their ability to handle the kids, or make a new home, or make their new partner feel like they are a family. None of this is relevant because none of it is actually about what is best for the kids.

Step parents do have a role, which is best described as making a safe place for kids to live or visit (whichever is appropriate), and being a support to the rules set down by the biological parents. If the step parent and the biological parents can work out at way to effectively cooperate this is actually the best situation for the kids. In that case there is little friction and the kids needs are put first. Many times, however, this does not happen and parents must choose how to manage their personal lives and their children's lives effectively.

Children's lives need routine, stability, safety and certainty. They need to know that both Mom and Dad still love them and will make time with them a priority. They need to see their biological parent alone some of the time to feel valued and important. Parents also need time to be adults and bond with their new partner. It may not be appropriate for parents to share time with their new partner when the kids are present soon after a split.

Studies have shown that kids should be given time to grieve the loss of the family unit without being expected to form any new bonds. This can take time - each child is different, but up to two years or more can be needed for some children. Even then, the introduction of a new partner for a parent is wrenching for a child because it underlines the fact that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together - the dream for which the child secretly hopes.

Parents are not expected to put their adult lives on hold for their children indefinitely, however, it is reasonable for parents to keep their adult lives separate from the lives they lead with their children for as long as possible to give their children a chance to heal. Remember, children have no say in divorce, they cannot get what they really want... Mom and Dad back together again in a happy family. Since they can't get what they want, is it really so hard for us adults to give them the time to heal from their grief by giving them what they need? Security, safety, stability, boundaries, love, attention and the feeling of being valued as a person.

Children will make relationships with their step parents in their own time and in their own way. They only have one set of biological parents in their lives, but they have the opportunity to be loved by many more people as time passes. No one will ever be Mom or Dad but Mom and Dad in a child's heart... period. But that doesn't mean that step parents can't be loved and valued for their ability to be a trusted friend or companion.

Making roles an issue over which to fight is a waste of time. No one will take the place of Mom or Dad in any child's heart. How many times have counselors watched an adult in their 60's sob as they talk about the love the wished they could have received from a deceased parent...

Let us have faith in ourselves and our relationship with our children. They need us and want us in their lives. They love us with all their hearts. Let us be there for them. Let us give them the love we were denied as a child. Let us give them what we were never able to receive. Let us be the one to break the chain of pain.

We are all well loved. Let's share that gift with our kids.

We Attract Who We Are

2009-09-22T22:25:00.001-07:00

What happens when we have no choice but to leave our relationship? Why do we feel so upset? When we have been treated with disrespect, betrayed or abused why do we feel remorse?

We have taken a first step that is very difficult, but one that we apparently feel is necessary. We have left our relationship. Feeling remorse, guilt, anger, confusion is all very normal during this time. We are doing something that we never wanted to do, leaving our partner.

Regardless of who may be at fault, there is a great deal of pain involved in lettting go of the hopes and dreams that we all have regarding our future when we end a relationship. It is never easy. The feelings of failure we experience may be related to the fact that we may have believed we were the one to be the provider, the protector, the one to shield our family from the evils of the world. Or we may have felt we were the nurturer, the one who kept our loved ones safe from harm, who made our house a home, who created a place of renewal and hope for our family.

We may now feel we can no longer accomplish those goals. Although we may have stumbled on our path we can still believe in ourselves. We may yet still be able to accomplish our goals with a new partner at some point in the future. Our current partner will have to protect themself from the harsh realities of life on their own... those are the consequences for the choices that have been made.

Remember... within there lies a heart of gold. Someone out there will be the luckiest person alive to someday have us as their partner. Meanwhile we take the time to heal, practice our tools, learn about ourselves and our blind spots and become the person we want to be. We attract not what we want, but who we are.

Hang in there. Time truly does heal.

A T T A C H M E N T

2009-09-21T23:03:00.000-07:00

After reading this blog on Psychology Today I thought I would post it here. So many of us have been badly burned in relationships and are unsure what a healthy relationship might look like. Here's an apt description.

10 Tools for Positive Attachment by Barton Goldsmith, Phd

Consider what the word "attachment" spells out.

It's never too late to have a close relationship with someone you love. If you had a connection before, you can have it again. If you need a model for building a good relationship, consider what the word "attachment" spells out:

A: Attachment is about creating a bond with those you love. It requires that you accept life's imperfections and get okay with things being "good enough." When you have a good attachment with the ones you love almost any obstacle can be overcome.

T: Touch is a very important part of being attached. If you're not getting enough, talk with your mate about it. Physical connection is a necessary part of creating a healthy attachment. If you don't want or need to be touched, that's okay, but if your partner isn't on the same page, it will chip away at your foundation.

T: Thoughtfulness means that, even in times of strife, you somehow always manage to consider your partner first. You need to want your partner to be happy, and thinking about him or her should make you happy.

A: Affirming verbally how you feel is very important for many people. To never hear "I love you" from your mate can leave you feeling as though you are not truly wanted. Many men and women need to hear they are valued. This is a case where actions do not speak louder than words.

C: Connecting with your partner by looking into his or her eyes, holding hands, and just saying "thank you for being in my life" or holding each other tightly for several minutes are both powerful tools. Give them a shot.

H: Hoping for a better tomorrow is critical for relationships that are in healing mode. If you both honestly commit to working on your relationship together, you will have the best chance of getting through a rough patch.

M: Memories of happier times will help you find the strength you need to get things back on track if you have lost your feelings of attachment. Knowing that you were once in love can give you the motivation you need to find it again.

E: Emotional availability and support are the cornerstones of a loving intimate relationship. Your partner needs to know that you're going to be there for him or her.

N: Needing another person is not a sign of weakness. Yes, people can be too needy, and insecure behavior can make it difficult for a couple to bond appropriately. But everyone needs to feel valued and that his or her feelings won't be dismissed.

T: Trusting that you are loved is essential. If you have any doubts, it's best to sit down and talk about them. Communicating, verbally and nonverbally, is the best tool for creating what you want.

After a little time, what you may find is that your partner isn't perfect and neither are you. Of course, that means that your relationship isn't perfect either. It is, however, good enough.

Am I Growing?

2009-09-16T23:08:00.000-07:00

How do we know when we are growing? How can we tell if we have changed? We see ourselves everyday, what can we use as a yardstick?

When we enter into the process of recovery we place ourselves on a path of growth that is often three steps forward and two steps back. As we grow and change it may not be apparent to us that we have made strides in our efforts to become healthier. This may cause us concern or allow us to feel as though we are not accomplishing our goals.

We can take steps to avert this type of second guessing. We can use our tools to create a snapshot of ourselves at various points along our journey.

One of our most successful tools is journaling. We take bit of time on a regular basis and write out our thoughts and feelings. We may want to include small bits of current events to remind ourselves of the drama and chaos that surrounded us when we entered into the path of recovery. As time progresses we will be able to read our prior posts and realize how far we have come along our chosen path.

Another tool we can use to help us see our own growth is a gratitude journal. We write down five reasons we are grateful each night before we drift off to sleep. They can be anything, from our kids to our pet. We can be grateful for the simplest things, like food on our table, or the most complex, such as being able to understand physics. Initially the exercise may feel awkward and we may be unable to think of five new things to write down each day. But over time we will see how our world has enlarged as we grow and change.

Sometimes we complete our exercises and use our tools grudgingly, just going through the motions. But over time as we see the growth in ourselves and the changes we engender in those we love we will become more enthusiastic in our efforts and understand that we can only change the world one person at a time... that person starts with us.

Snooty Dippin Dunkin

2009-09-15T14:52:00.000-07:00

We all need a little stress-reliever! This takes only a moment. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. If we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not. Here is our dose of humor... Follow the instructions to find your new name. Then post it!! Enjoy!!

The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants And the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesy
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdle

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice

Thus for example: Barack Obama's new name is: Dorfus Featherbutt.

And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day; adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day!!!

Four Small Additions Bring Joyful Relationships

2009-09-14T12:03:00.000-07:00

A recent survey of 4000 couples married for at least sixteen years, prompted author Pamela Regan, PhD to write on the four key areas in relationships that seemed to make a significant difference with regard to how happy folks felt within their partnerships. These are the four points that seemed to make all the difference:

Physical touch: The group of partners in the study wanted to be hugged, cuddled or just touched about four times daily. They enjoyed the physical connection expressed in affectionate terms and liked small consistent doses throughout their day. A hug in the morning before leaving for work, a kiss or hug upon returning from the day, a quick touch on the arm when passing one another in the home, sitting close on the couch watching TV or reading in the evenings, these small actions all added to the feeling of closeness within the relationship.

Gestures of courtship: When partners first meet there are many displays of courtship within the relationship. Over time as the partnership moves on to one of long term intimacy and commitment, these small but important gestures often get lost in the day to day activities of life. Partners in this study were appreciative of efforts made about once in ten days to be mindful of courtship and make efforts in this direction. It doesn't have to be complex. Simple gestures are often the best. Running a bath for a partner tired and sore from a days work, turning down the bed at the end of the day, lighting candles at the dinner table, bringing home a bunch of daisies, offering a light back rub, these simple but thoughtful gestures go a long way to making partners feel special and loved.

Supportive action: Lending a helping hand without being asked can be one of the most effective ways of showing the love we have for our partner. The study group enjoyed these supportive actions on average three times a month. Cleaning up after a meal, helping out with the the laundry, raking the leaves, grooming a pet, making coffee in the morning, all these small gestures are non verbal ways to show the feelings we have for our partner as well as making their responsibilities in the home lighter.

Couple time: The partners in this study enjoyed an average of two dinner dates out and seven cozy nights in each month. Nights out are a special gift to a partnership. These times allow partners to reconnect with one another in an intimate way without the distractions of family and home. Cozy nights in work well to reinforce intimacy. Spending time talking and sharing the events of the day over a glass of wine or a cup of tea without the background noise of the television or radio allows partners to reconnect frequently and catch up on each others lives, a vital part of maintaining closeness between those in a relationship.

As we strive to improve the quality of our relationships and the joy we give and receive in interacting with our partner we may choose to add these four small changes to our daily lives. In addition to the self care we practice within our daily routine, we can enhance the quality of our partnership and our own lives by practicing compassion and consideration in our daily interactions. In this way we give ourselves the gift of intimacy.

Getting Upset With Your Partner?

2009-09-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

Image via Wikipedia

Why do I feel upset when my partner is upset, when I have determined that it has nothing to do with me? Why do I get irritable when my partner is irritable?

We cannot underestimate the intensity of the relationship between partners. Sharing lives involves sharing emotional response and feelings. As partners we seem to pick up the emotions of the other. Why does this occur?

We may have been feeling peaceful and calm when our partner arrived irritable and anxious from a day at the office. Soon we are feeling tense and cranky and unable to determine the cause. We have suddenly changed mood and we are confused. What happened to us?

Within our nervous system exist mirror neurons. These mirror neurons relay a complex grouping of information to our brains including spoken words, tone of voice, body language and minute meta-messages that we are likely unaware we are sending and receiving. This information received by our mirror neurons causes us to release neurotransmitters in our brain creating a copy cat emotional response within us akin to what our partner is experiencing.

How do we determine what feelings belong to us and what feelings are being created within us by our relationship to our partner? Each of us is empathic within close relationships to some degree. We can tell a great deal about how our partner is feeling from tell tale signals they send within their voice and body language. We know when they are upset or angry.

We learn to differentiate when we practice our tools. We learn to respond rather than react when we are confronted with strong emotions. We take a moment to think about how we felt prior to being in the presence of our partner. This brief pause for reflection may give us insight into the origin of the feelings we are attempting to discern. We can then decide to respond rather than react. We may diffuse a potential disagreement by showing compassion for our partners foul mood and allowing them the space to soothe themselves back into balance. This allows our partner to practice self care and keeps us at arms length from the fray.

When partners become aware of how they may be mirroring each others behavior and attitudes they can choose compassion over reaction. Over time through learning to respond rather than react partners may overcome their natural tendency to mirror one another and improve the quality of their relationship.

Betrayed!!

2009-09-10T16:32:00.000-07:00

How do we cope when we are betrayed? What do we do to take care of ourselves? How can we heal our hurts?

When our partner betrays us, whether it be via an adulterous relationship or through another breach, we are injured at our core. This is someone we have allowed into our lives in a very deep and meaningful way. We have become intimate with our partner in a variety of areas which we do not share with any other persons. As a result we feel crushed, sometimes lost. We experience our loss in the most personal of ways. This type of betrayal carries with it the added pain of personal rejection. Our partner is someone who knows us inside and out and has rejected us for our inner selves in a very painful and personal way.

At first we are shocked, infuriated and hurt. We may react with anger and fury. As time passes and the reality of our situation sinks in we may become hostile and cold toward our partner. If we have been betrayed we may wish to end the relationship. Or, we may wish to continue the relationship, but may not know how to get past the hurt and resentment. We have lost the trust shared in our relationship.

It is imperative that we not make life altering decisions during this initial time. We are still very raw and may be unable to rationally approach the situation. We may be too angry to think long term and may be incapable of thinking clearly.

Our first path should be to find ourselves a counselor with whom we feel comfortable where we can sort out our feelings and decide how to move forward. This may take some time. We must be patient. As we work through our feelings of hostility and pain we may discover that we have some portion of responsibility for the failure in our relationship. We have many difficult decisions ahead and we should not make them alone.

With the help of our counselor we begin to rebuild our shattered self esteem. Slowly, one step at a time we trudge back from the brink toward a healthier place. At first we have many days when we feel sad or angry. As time passes and we experience healing we have a few better days. Eventually we have many days when we feel at peace with ourselves and our situation. This healing process happens slowly, three steps forward and two steps back.

We practice self care, allowing ourselves to feel all our feelings fully, process what has happened to us and move forward. When we feel overwhelmed we take steps to soothe ourselves back into balance. We may call a friend, take a walk, enjoy a hot bath, read a book, watch a favorite movie or just take a nap. As we learn to care for ourselves we increase our self esteem giving ourselves the gift of a healthier, more joy filled future.

Back in the Saddle Again

2009-09-07T23:48:00.001-07:00

BACK FROM VACATION!!

That may sound like something dreadful, but in fact looking forward to work is a blessing. How many of us come back from a wonderful, relaxing vacation looking forward to getting back in the saddle? Not so many, I think. Listening to all the folks out there screeching their complaints, vehemently issuing their opinions, positing their views, I think many of us are brimming with hostility. We glare at one another on the train conserving our bit of personal space. We sit alone in our cubicle or office sipping coffee waiting for the day to end. We endure our daily commute. Is this what we thought working would be like? Did we envision this when we went to school?

I used to be one of those people. For fifteen years I worked in the insurance industry reviewing and handling medical malpractice claims. I saw the worst of the worst... doctors who didn't have the skills to heal their patients, and patients who were so busy blaming everyone else for their medical problems that they took no responsibility for themselves and their health. One day I woke up and realized that I hated what I was doing for a living. It was like coming out of a long coma. On that day I made a decision that I would never again work in a job I didn't like or that gave me no personal fulfillment.

I went back to school and created a new career path for myself. One which fulfilled me as a person. Sure it was a lot less money. But if there is one thing I have learned in my life it's that money can make you miserable long before it even begins to make you happy. When I made lots of money... and I did make LOTS of money... I was a slave to the $$$. I couldn't leave my career because I had created a life style that demanded I continue to earn that level of income. What I realized was that I was far happier with less and capable of having a career that I love making less $$$ and loving my life.

These lessons weren't free. They cost me a good portion of my adult life, but I offer them to you freely in the hopes that you won't get trapped by the lure of $$$... keeping up with the Jones' and living your life shackled to your job. We spend fully one third of our life sleeping and one third working and commuting... that leaves only one third for relaxation. We might as well enjoy that third we spend working. Over the course of a lifetime, say thirty employed years, we expend about eighty thousand hours working. Let's make it something that fulfills us, that gives us joy, that allows us to give back to society.

Anyone can make money, be it large amounts or small. That's no accomplishment. Let's learn to make a life!! When you are on your death bed will you be wishing you spent more time at the office?

Vacationing

2009-08-31T23:01:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, on the side of the pool at the Embassy Suites Dorado Beach & Golf Club in Puerto Rico. The temperature is about 80 degrees, there’s a light breeze blowing off the Atlantic Ocean, there are a few children playing in the distance and I can hear the coqui singing in the trees. There’s a lizard on the wall over by the canopy. He is croaking as he hangs on with his toes to the cement. The pelicans fly overhead as they make their way to the lagoon to fish for their supper. The sun has fallen behind the western façade of the hotel bringing shade to the parched ground. There has been rain during the last week but it is brief and although it soaks the ground, it disappears into the dust and foliage as soon as it arrives. The thirsty plants slurp the moisture from the spongy earth.

This has been a relaxing week filled with delicious foods… we’ve eaten mofongo and frittatas, drank our fill of mojitos and gin, and hiked in the rain forest until our brows dripped with perspiration.

Vacation… to vacate… to empty one’s spirit of the everyday stresses of life, to rejuvenate and become whole once again. This was our goal and we have met it with enthusiasm.

An Inside Job

2009-08-25T22:58:00.000-07:00

When we begin our journey into recovery our lives may have become very small as a result of the dysfunction within which we live. In order to please others we may have given up much of our interests, hobbies, friends or acquaintances. Some of us may have given up careers to raise a family or to be a homemaker. With all we have relinquished we may come to the table empty, feeling as though we are a vessel from which all has been poured.

Sooner or later each of us comes to a point in our lives when we finally discover that happiness is an inside job. We realize that no one can make us happy except ourselves. If we have spent many years attending to the needs and happiness of others, we may suddenly discover we feel vacuous. Developing ourself is our responsibility. Finding hobbies we enjoy and friends to fill our life are good beginnings. We would err to expect our partner or family to be our all. We need friends and personal growth to complete us as individuals. Our partner can certainly be our best friend, but not our only friend.

We think of ourselves like a gear with teeth sticking out in all directions. Each tooth represents one aspect of our life. One tooth may be our partner, one our children, one our extended family, one our friendships, one our career, one tooth for each of our hobbies, one for our love of the theatre, and so on. In this way the gear is representative of a fulfilling life. It is our mission in life to fill each tooth with something of meaning to us, thereby adding value to our lives. If we are diligent we will have a life filled with joy and meaning as accomplished by our own hand. What more could we ask for?

Let's Lose the Insurance Companies

2009-08-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

Recent events in the news have sparked a great deal of discussion about health care reform. Listening to those in Congress and the White House as they attend town hall meetings, and the overall lack of thoughtful response from the public at those meetings has left me concerned. There seems to be a lack of understanding on the part of some of our citizens as to the situation we face as a nation regarding our health care system and it's costs. In its present form, our health care system is unsustainable. As a nation, we can no longer afford the system we have in place today. If we do nothing, or the wrong thing, we as a nation may bankrupt ourselves.

I am at a loss as to the morass of confusion regarding our need for reform of the health care system in America. In June of 2008 Reuters News printed an article on health care in the US after surveying medical professionals. Here is a relevant part of their story: "While Canada, virtually all of Europe, Japan, and South Korea have adopted publicly-sponsored and regulated healthcare, the United States is the only wealthy, industrialized nation that has not implemented comprehensive coverage. Universal healthcare is defined as medical coverage extended to all citizens, and sometimes permanent legal residents, of a state or a country. With healthcare costs today representing 16% of U.S. GDP (four times the Defense budget), and projected to reach 19.5% within ten years, universal healthcare coverage has become an increasingly hot topic in the political arena."

Our health care system ranks 37th in the world, yet we rank 2nd in amount spent as a percentage of GDP... which means we spend a great deal more to get a great deal less. We rank 24th in life expectancy, behind all the countries we criticize as having socialized medicine. We rank 72nd in overall health level of performance, but number 1 in costs per capita... meaning we pay the most for the health care we get and only rank number 72. This is all out of a field of 191 member countries. (data compiled by the World Health Organization)

No system is perfect and all have their problems. We have been trying to fix our health care system for the past 60 years without results. It is time we allowed the people in one of the richest countries on earth the ability to access health care at every level of society. I am tired of pretending that we don't pay for the lack of health care for those who have no coverage. They DO have coverage and we as a society pay for it. It's called medicaid and it pays for all those emergency room visits for people who have no health insurance and no funds whenever they get sick or injured. It pays for people on welfare to have medical care. It pays for mothers and children to have medical coverage when they qualify with low income. It pays for seniors who are sick and have no funds to get in home assistance. It pays for those who are permanently disabled and wards of the state to live in group homes or nursing facilities.

Additionally, 70% of today's bankruptcies occur as a result of catastrophic medical costs, even with folks who do have medical insurance. That is paid by us, the public, in the form of costs passed on to us, the consumer.

It would be less costly to us as a nation to make provisions for all than to pay for it through these back door methods while insurance companies pay enormous salaries to their CEO's (in excess of $11 million last year to United Health Care's CEO) and make a profit at our expense. There is a reason that we get our water and sewer service from the DEP and it's not because the private sector can do it better. It's because it is the government's role to make sure that the public water supply is clean and safe, not private industry. If you need an example, look at the scams involving bottled water and all the failures in that sector.

The insurance industry adds nothing to the equation. They do not increase the quality of health care. They do not make our seniors healthier, nurses and doctors do that. They don't care for young children and mothers who are on medicaid, nurses and doctors do that. They don't show up at the emergency rooms cleaning wounds and taking temperatures, nurses and doctors do that. We would be best served to take the insurance industry out of the equation and allow doctors and nurses to do their jobs without interference from insurance companies telling them what tests are needed and how much they should charge.

How about doctors and nurses get a salary for their position based on their performance and skills, like lots of other professionals. That would be fair and balanced. Think of all the money that the insurance industry absorbs that could go toward paying medical professionals decent salaries. In some countries that have adopted some form of universal health care medical professionals get paid bonuses according to how healthy their patients become over time. That encourages doctors and nurses to do a great job! What a wonderful idea!! People who want to do research would still have plenty of places to do so. The country is poised for real change. How about it!!

How Controlling Am I?

2009-08-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

So many times we find excellent material for our growth in the work of others. Here is a piece that gives us a sense of where we fall as regards our recovery journey. Take the quiz thinking of feelings and attitudes today, then think back to past feelings prior to beginning recovery work and notice the difference. Becoming aware of our growth and allowing ourselves to enjoy how far we have come is a vital part of recovery. We may find areas requiring more work. That's healthy self awareness giving us the focus we need to continue on our journey.

This quiz and commentary was adapted from Deepak Chopra MD's book Ageless Body, Timeless Mind.

How much resistance are you in now? Our psychological defenses are extremely good at hiding this from us; by definition, stored-up emotions are the ones we can’t feel. However, resistance gives rise to a telltale behavior pattern—control. Having to be in control is a compulsion rooted in fear and threat.

Give yourself a point for each statement that applies to you frequently, most of the time, or almost always. Some of the statements do not sound very flattering, but try to be as candid and honest about yourself as you can.

1. I like to be in control of work situations and am much happier working alone than with others.

2. When I’m under pressure, the easiest emotion for me to show is anger or irritability.

3. I rarely tell anyone that I need them.

4. I tend to harbor old hurts. Rather than telling someone that he hurt me, I would rather fantasize about getting even.

5. I have quite a few resentments about the way my brothers and sisters relate to me.

6. The more money I spend on someone, the more that means I love them.

7. I keep to myself how unfairly others treat me.

8. If a relationship starts to go bad, I secretly wish I could take back everything I bought for that person.

9. If it’s my house, the people in it should follow my rules.

10. I find it hard to admit being vulnerable. I don’t often say “I’m wrong” and mean it.

11. It’s better to nurse my wounds than to show someone that I’m weak.

12. I’m a better talker than listener.

13. What I have to say is usually important.

14. I secretly think others don’t take my opinions as seriously as they should.

15. I have a pretty good sense of what’s good for people.

16. At least once in my life I got caught opening someone else’s mail.

17. People have called me cynical or negative.

18. I have high standards, which others sometimes mistake for criticism.

19. I tend to be a perfectionist. It bothers me to let a sloppy job go out.

20. I feel uncomfortable if someone gets too close to me emotionally.

21. After a relationship breaks up, I look back and think I was mostly right.

22. I’m neat and orderly. I like my way of doing things and find it hard to live with someone who is sloppy.

23. I’m good at scheduling my day and put a high value on punctuality.

24. I’m good at caring for other people’s needs, but then I get disappointed when they don’t think as much about mine.

25. I have a logical explanation for the way I act, even if others can’t always accept it.

26. I don’t care that much if other people don’t like me.

27. In my opinion, most people don’t usually express their true motives for the way they behave.

28. I’m not good at handling noisy or rambunctious children.

29. I still blame my parents for a lot of my problems, but I haven’t told them so.

30. When I get into an argument with my spouse or lover, I can’t resist bringing up old grievances.

0-10 points

Your personality isn’t dominated by an excessive need to be in control. You are likely to be comfortable with your feelings and tolerant of other people. You realize that you are imperfect, therefore you understand the failings of others. It is easy for you to let events take their own course, and surprises don’t throw you off balance. You probably place a high value on spontaneity and the expression of emotions.

10-20 points

Being in control is a frequent issue with you. You have more fears and hurt feelings than you let on, but you don’t work hard to resolve these feelings. Being in charge isn’t necessarily that important to you, but having your way usually is. You consider yourself organized and efficient, yet it isn’t a major event if things get a little out of control. You have found someone whom you can be honest and open with, but there are limits to how much you can safely say or do, even with that person.

Over 20 points

You are a controlling person. You feel that control is necessary because people hurt your feelings a lot, and your memory of this goes back into your painful childhood. To keep from being hurt more, you try to control your feelings, which basically means you are very selective about revealing yourself to others. Your overriding need to be in charge or to have things your way drives people away from you, despite the fact that you work very hard to take care of their needs. The only emotion you show easily is anger or irritability. You constantly explain your motives and give reasons for why you are the way you are, but somehow this doesn’t help you get you what you want, which is other people’s love and affection.

Drown Out the Discussion

2009-08-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

It seems we have reached a point in Washington where the divisive rhetoric is so loud that we can't hear the facts anymore. This drown out the discussion strategy for trying to defeat health care reform isn't new. It has been used time and time again over the 200 plus years we have existed as a nation to drown out the voices of change. This truth is it isn't limited to Washington.

In our relationships some of us use the same strategy when we disagree. Instead of talking respectfully and listening attentively, so as to understand both sides of the situation, some of us practice drown out the discussion tactics. We appear to be listening when our partner is sharing their point of view, however what we may be doing is forming our next talking point. Many times we may be so absorbed with our own agenda that we hear virtually nothing being spoken. This can be a major contributor to poor communication between ourselves and our partner.

How do we become more attentive and focused as a listener? We keep our posture in an attitude of attentiveness. We lean forward slightly and look our partner in the eye. We keep our hands free and unoccupied. We listen without passing judgement or forming a reply. We focus on what is being shared. When our partner has finished speaking we reflect back the essence of the words and emotion that has been shared with us. We ask for confirmation. If necessary, we allow corrections and repeat the process until we have fully grasped our partners point of view. This process allows our partner to feel heard and validated. When our partner is satisfied that they have been fully understood they will be ready to listen to our point of view in the same manner.

Conversely, when we are the one sharing we focus on being succinct. We try to proceed through our points in a logical manner flowing from idea to idea in as few moments as possible. If we share too much at once our partner may lose our overall concept and be unable to comprehend our point of view. If we have a great deal to share we may need to break it into segments shared one at a time. When our partner reflects back our words and emotions, we listen attentively to ensure that the entirety of our message has been received. If we need to make corrections we do so gently and respectfully. When we are satisfied that we have been fully understood we thank our partner for their patience and compassion.

These simple ideas can bring us out of the morass of confusion and into the light of clarity. Communication can be misinterpreted easily. Tone of voice, words with multiple meanings, a look, a sigh, all can turn a discussion into a disagreement. With patience and practice we can learn to have a productive discussion even when we disagree.

As we find our voice and begin to speak our minds, we may encounter disagreements with our partner. Our ability to disagree without being disagreeable will ensure that we keep good will in our relationship. As we do so we increase our self esteem. We practice self care in our daily lives using our tools and practicing compassion. This form of communication is a tool we will use and cherish as we walk our path of recovery.

Love Addiction or Love?

2009-08-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

In reviewing materials online and in print that are worth noting, this piece by Jed Diamond, is a must read for anyone in a relationship or planning to be in a relationship in the future.

By Jed Diamond, Ph.D., author of Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places:
Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addiction and The Irritable Male Syndrome

Since we all have grown up in a society that confuses healthy love with “love” addiction, many of us find it difficult to know whether our feelings are based on healthy intimacy or addictive desire. Based on my work over the last 45 year’s as a psychotherapist specializing in helping people develop and maintain healthy relationships, I offer the following comparison.

1. Healthy Love develops after we feel secure.
Addictive Love tries to create love even though we feel frightened and insecure.

2. Healthy Love comes from feeling full. We overflow with love.
Addictive Love is always trying to fill an inner void.

3. Healthy Love begins with self love.
Addictive Love always seeks love “out there” from that “special someone.”

4. Healthy Love comes to us once we’ve given up the search.
Addictive Love is compulsively sought after.

5. Healthy Love comes from inside. It wants to give.
Addictive Love comes from outside. It wants to take.

6. Healthy Love grows slowly, like a tree.
Addictive Love grows fast, as if by magic, like those children’s animals that expand instantly
when we add water.

7. Healthy Love thrives on time alone as well as time with our partner.
Addictive Love is frightened of being alone and afraid of being close.

8. Healthy Love is unique. There is no “ideal lover” that we seek.
Addictive Love is stereotyped. There is always a certain type that attracts us.

9. Healthy Love is gentle and comfortable.
Addictive Love is tense and combative.

10. Healthy Love is based on a deep knowing of ourselves and our lover.
Addictive Love is based on hiding from ourselves and falling in love with an ideal “image” not a
person.
　
11. Healthy Love encourages us to be ourselves, to be honest from the beginning with who we are, including our faults.
Addictive Love encourages secrets. We want to look good and put on an attractive mask.

12. Healthy Love flows out.
Addictive Love caves in.

13. Healthy Love creates a deeper sense of ourselves the longer we are together.
Addictive Love creates a loss of self the longer we are together.

14. Healthy Love gets easier as time goes on.
Addictive Love requires more effort as time goes on.

15. Healthy Love is like rowing across a gentle lake.
Addictive Love is like being swept away down a raging river.

16. Healthy Love grows stronger as fear decreases.
Addictive Love expands as fear increases.

17. Healthy Love is satisfied with what we have.
Addictive Love is always looking for more or better.

18. Healthy Love encourages interests to expand in the world.
Addictive Love encourages outside interests to contract.

19. Healthy Love is based on the belief that we want to be together.
Addictive Love is based on the belief that we have to be together.

20. Healthy Love teaches that we can only make ourselves happy.
Addictive Love expects the other person to make us happy and demands that we try to make them happy.

21. Healthy Love creates life.
Addictive Love creates melodramas.

Is It Love or "Love" Addiction?
Source: www.scribd.com

FEAR: The Controlling Arm Within the Puppet

2009-08-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

Image by stuant63 via Flickr

How do fears manifest themselves in our daily lives? How do these fears come to be a part of us? It is possible that we are unaware of how our fears affect our behavior?

We have been involved with our partner for a few months. We feel strong surges of emotion for our new partner. All is proceeding well, or so it seems. In the back of our mind, however, we have a nagging fear that our partner is being unfaithful. There have been no indicators to lead us to believe that this is happening and we have no external reason to feel this way, but we just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. We try to dodge the feelings and ignore them, telling ourself that it is all in our head.

Time passes and our attachment to our partner increases. We feel even more strongly about them than before. However, the sense that we are being duped increases. Our emotions are screaming at us that we are being had, that our partner is being unfaithful.

We can no longer ignore our feelings and begin to query our partner. At first we ask gently if they are happy with us, if there is anyone else in the picture. When we receive the assurance we seek we feel calmed. But the feeling doesn't last. After a few days we again feel the agitation and repeat our query. This time the assurance is followed with a request for an explanation. We are caught off guard and don't know how to respond. We try to make an excuse, but it is clear that we are concealing our true intent. We feel no better this time and begin to believe even more strongly that we are being duped. Our mind reels with the endless possibilities. We are plagued with thoughts we cannot bear.

Over time we try to avoid asking for further reassurances but cannot do so. Our partner becomes irritated with our lack of faith and begins to pull away emotionally. We feel the loss, adding fuel to the fire in our head. Our emotions spin out of control. We cannot tolerate our thoughts or feelings. Soon our partner tires of the endless questions and lack of trust and leaves the relationship. Our beliefs are confirmed. We were wrong to even begin to trust our partner in the first place.

What has happened to us? We have been plagued by fear. We entered into the relationship with the fear that we would be betrayed. In the process we caused the exact thing we feared. It happened as a result of our behavior. Because we had been hurt this way in a prior relationship and we did not allow ourselves to heal from that hurt, we carried it into our next relationship. We did not practice self care and did not allow ourselves the time to heal our wounds. We plunged into another relationship headlong without thinking of the consequences to ourselves. In the process, we set ourselves up to be hurt once again. Although we may initially believe that our partner was unfaithful, eventually we realize what has actually transpired. We chased our partner away.

We allowed our fear to run our life and direct our behavior. We felt powerless over our emotions and let them run rampant, causing havoc in our relationship. As a result of our display, our partner eventually tired of the drama and left the relationship. We created that which we feared. Or to look at it another way, our fear manifested itself in our lives through our behavior.

The importance of this point cannot be stressed enough. If we follow the logic through we can see how fear may manifest itself in other areas of our lives. Our fear of losing money may encourage unstable spending habits, causing us to fall into debt. We may fear gaining weight, thereby increasing our stress level to the point that we eat the wrong foods or eat to relax. Our fear of abandonment may lead us to cling to those we love, causing them to feel suffocated and in the process push them away.

When we enter into recovery we face our fears, acknowledge that they exist and are a part of who we are. We integrate them into our sense of self and allow ourselves the time and space to heal the old wounds that created the fears. We practice self care, work on increasing our self esteem and realize that our fears served us well at one time, but we no longer need them to protect us. We are capable of protecting ourselves. We use our tools and give ourselves the benefit of the doubt as we progress in our recovery, knowing that we will fall from time to time. That's okay. Perfection is not the goal.

How Do We Heal Our Wounds?

2009-08-12T21:22:00.000-07:00

Image by cobalt123 via Flickr

Why do the memories of difficult moments in our childhood linger? Why do we react to the old hurts like they just happened yesterday? How do we heal?

When we are small we don't have the vocabulary to express our feelings or emotions. We rely on our caretakers to interpret our surroundings for us. When our caretakers are out of balance and unable to handle circumstances, they may fail to interpret them to us. This leaves us unable to understand our environment. We may not know how to handle what has happened, so we fail to integrate accurate information into our sense of self.

Over time as these occurrences continue, we lose parts of our self in the process. We may begin to dissociate from our feelings of being lovable or valuable. We may begin to believe that we must perform for acceptance. We may fear abandonment or losing a loved one. When we operate from a basis of fear we shrink our lives smaller and smaller as time passes.

When we enter into recovery we discover old hurts and mixed messages from the past. We find places within where we carry old bruises from events which we were unable to interpret as children. We unlock parts of our selves that we have been unable to access since our childhood.

If we have been numb to our feelings for many years we may find experiencing emotions overwhelming and possibly painful in the beginning. We may swing from feeling nothing to feeling everything. As we continue on our path of recovery we will lessen our tendency to swing wildly from one extreme to another and settle down to a balanced center.

If we have believed that we were unlovable or not valuable we may need to rebuild our self esteem through the use of our tools and self care. This will take time. We must be patient. It has taken many years for us to lose our self love and it will not heal quickly. If we are persistent we will reap the rewards that come with continued effort.

If we have been performing for acceptance we may need to begin to allow ourselves to be seen for who we truly are without pretense. This may be quite frightening until we discover that we are loved and valued for our inner self. Our tendency to perform may be strong. We may take three steps forward and two steps back time and time again as we learn to trust. We will find we can trust our gut and our ability to discern who is trustworthy.

If we have been abandoned in the past we may need to work on trust issues surrounding intimacy. This may be especially painful and scary in the initial stages. We are so accustomed to waiting for the other shoe to drop... because in the past, it usually did. Intimacy itself may have been linked to pain in our past. We take our time allowing ourselves to experience intimacy in small amounts, adjusting to the initial discomfort as we may experience some anxiety. As we continue to have positive experiences we will become more comfortable as time progresses. Eventually we will be able to revel in the joy of true intimacy in our relationships.

We may need to unlearn our tendency to be hypervigilant, allowing situations to unfold naturally without manipulation. This too can be overwhelming and feel out of control to us. We use our tools to calm ourselves and remind us that our higher power has our best interests at heart. We may not want to experience option B and have always manipulated the situation to create option A, but we never had the chance to walk our path where we find the best option of all... option C... the one our higher power always intended for us.

As we walk our path of recovery we discover that we can enjoy experiencing emotions once again. We find we are lovable and valuable. We realize that we do not have to perform to be accepted but are accepted as we are. The most valuable lesson we learn, however, is that no one can abandon us but ourselves. The most others can do is leave. As long as we have ourselves we will never be lonely again.

Have Another Cookie Sweetie

2009-08-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

We are four years old. We have just come home from the playground where a bully has pushed us off the swings and we have scraped our knee. We are crying. Our Mom is sitting with us bandaging our knee. She smiles up at us and says, "It's okay sweetie pie. You're all right." She finishes the bandage and wipes away the tears. She crosses to the cabinet and retrieves a cookie. "Here you go. Have a cookie, you'll feel better." We eat the cookie and moments later feel the rush of energy from the sugar. We don't feel better about the incident with the bully, we haven't even processed what has happened and no one has chosen to talk it over with us. We do, however, feel energized by the sugar. We get up off the chair, receive a hug from Mom and go play. We ignore our feelings, just like Mom.

What have we learned from this experience?

We have learned several lessons. In our four year old mind we think as follows: first; injuries cause us to receive cookies we might not be allowed to eat otherwise. Second, being bullied by another child and the hurt feelings that follow are not discussed. Third, our feelings are unimportant. Four, adults know best what to do and how to react to what is happening to us, therefore we model ourselves after them.

From an adult perspective we have been taught the following: when we are upset, injured, traumatized or uncomfortable we should look for something to ingest to make ourselves feel better, whether a cookie or a pill. Dealing with feelings is difficult, unnecessary and complicated. Processing what has happened to us, which requires the assistance of an adult, is not going to happen. Overall, we are not important enough to be taken seriously and we don't have the voice to express our needs.

As we progress in life we carry this lesson with us. It is a powerful lesson. We may transfer the lesson from cookies to alcohol, prescription drugs or illicit drugs. Regardless of what choice we make we are still using the lesson of the cookie. Rather than facing our feelings or proactively dealing with situations we choose to anesthetize both the feelings and situations.

What happens when we have spent a great deal of our lives anesthetizing ourselves from our feelings? How do we come back to life again? We use our tools, practice self care, work on our recovery increasing our self esteem one day at a time until we once again begin to feel.

Answers to Questions on Health Care Reform

2009-08-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

It never ceases to amaze how ignorance is fostered regarding political issues. Rather than quoting talking points and passing around emails that make sweeping and incorrect generalizations, lets make the effort to help people get educated with facts.

What is health care reform actually about?

Health care reform is actually about changing the way that insurance companies are permitted to write contracts between themselves and their clients. Currently there are only a few major health insurance companies in the United States and they write over 90% of the health coverage available to private individuals, unions, corporations and small businesses. Since there are only just these few writing most of the coverage and interstate competition is not allowed in most cases, many health insurers can and do charge whatever they wish for their policies. Over the past few years the cost of purchasing health insurance has increased about 42%. As a result, many employers have opted to begin charging employees for a portion of the cost of health insurance in their pay checks.

What does it mean when we hear about hidden costs in health care?

Health insurance companies have opted in many instances to begin to charge policyholders large deductibles and co-insurance to lower the payouts they make to policy holders. This has dramatically increased the real cost of health care for the average person. For example, a routine recommended preventative procedure, like a colonoscopy at age 50, now has a new feature - co-insurance under Empire Blue Cross of over $800.00. That is what the patient pays when they do have health insurance. If they don't have health insurance the cost for the procedure is about $3500.00. The alternative, of course, is not to have the procedure at all, thereby increasing the risk of developing cancer later in life.

What does the new legislation say about insurance policy changes?

The legislation before congress will change the way that insurance companies are permitted to write policies, eliminating much of the large deductibles and co-insurance payments. Wellness visits will be encouraged and preventative medicine as well. There are some who would like to add a clause to this legislation that would pay bonuses to Doctors whose patients adopt healthier lifestyles, for example: quitting smoking, losing weight, less alcohol consumption and so on. These are areas known to decrease the chances for chronic disease later in life. Additionally, insurance companies will no longer be able to deny claims for "pre-existing" conditions as a result of this legislation.

Who are the ones against health insurance reform?

These issues are agreed upon by both sides of the aisle. The only ones truly interested in defeating the health care legislation are the insurance companies!! They are the ones making billions in profit while many average Americans go bankrupt due to the overwhelming cost of health care even with insurance.

What happens if no health insurance reform is passed?

Think about the co-insurance you might have to pay if you developed cancer... could you afford to pay 20% of the cost of a few hundred thousand dollars of treatments and hospitalizations? Would you go bankrupt? Or would you opt not to have the treatments? Those are the current choices facing many Americans who are sick and already have health insurance.

What are insurance companies doing to stop health care reform from passing?

The insurance companies are spending over $1,400,000.00 every day to lobby congress - both Republicans and Democrats - to defeat this legislation. That means donating money to their campaign for re-election funds. And where does that money come from? Your premiums!! Don't be fooled by rhetoric that "seems" to be coming from politicians... it's not. It's coming from paid lobbyists who are incredibly skilled at public relations and do this full time for a living!! Get informed. Don't allow yourself to be blinded by rage fueled by lobbyists paid by insurance companies... they get paid to disseminate misinformation, don't do it for free!!

Finally, what's all the talk about a public option? What is the purpose of a public option?

A public option is to bring sorely needed competition into the health insurance market. Some of the major costs associated with doing business are marketing, advertising and lobbying. They consume a very large portion of a company's budget. Public health insurance will have no such overhead allowing the cost of running a public plan to be much lower, passing the savings onto the consumer and bringing down prices in the health insurance market. This is clearly why the health insurance companies are diametrically opposed to a public option being included in any health care reform. It would serve to lower costs, reduce overhead and limit profits. It should be noted that at one time Blue Cross was a non-profit health insurer. It's service was excellent and it's costs low. Now it is Empire Blue Cross and no longer non-profit. In the process, the quality of the coverage offered has deteriorated markedly, and the price has sky rocketed.

Why do folks fear a government run health care program?

The rhetoric suggests that the government will dictate how your doctor can perform his duties. This flies in the face of the fact that the American Medical Association fully supports health care reform. Remember, health care reform is about reforming the health insurance industry. People have been told that the government is encouraging folks to have a Living Will and Health Care Proxy, and that these will be instruments that will cause the elderly to die earlier. This is nonsense. Living Wills and Health Care Proxies allow us to choose how we want our end of life decisions handled, and who will make those decisions for us if we cannot do so. We write a Living Will and Health Care Proxy while we are healthy, so that our desires will be met. All persons should have a Living Will and Health Care Proxy written with the advice of an estate planning attorney.

What is it that people fear about a public option?

Many older Americans fear losing their medical coverage to a public option. Medicare is the public option. Others fear that companies and unions will opt out of private health insurance, selecting instead the public option to save money. These same folks fear that this will eventually lead to a single payer system where private insurance disappears all together. This fear is unfounded. As long as there is profit to be made in any industry, there will be demand and supply.

Is the government capable of running a large health insurance option well?

Congress employs thousands of people, not just in elected office but as staff. They all have excellent health care - government run health care. Our military has excellent health care, some say the best in the country - government run health care. The Veterans Administration has received highest marks for the quality of their health care. They also have some of the lowest costs - no marketing, advertising or lobbying - again, government run health care. Here we have four excellent examples of how government is already capable of doing something very well: Veterans Administration, the military, Congress and Medicare. All examples of government run health care, each of which works very well for millions of Americans.

What are the statistics about Americans wanting health care reform?

All the polling has show that over 80% of Americans want health care reform. That is the largest number of Americans agreeing on almost any issue in the last sixty years. Our congress must act to produce a bill that creates real reform. Let us all do our part to present the facts to those in our circle. With a bit of effort we can educate everyone about the truth regarding health care reform.

Being the Right Person

2009-08-02T22:41:00.000-07:00

The key to succeeding in any relationship is not finding the right person, it's being the right person.

That is a powerful statement. Many of us go through life looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. We scour the night time scene, go out with a myriad of folks, suffer through endless blind dates and end up no further along than when we began. We have missed the most important point of all.

We attract not what we want, but who we are. As we think carefully about that statement we wonder... Would I want to date myself? Would I make a good partner? Am I a person I would want to be with in a relationship?

When we finally do find a partner and enter into a relationship, we may find it challenging over time to maintain the happiness we first discovered together. When that happens it is easy to point fingers at our partner and blame them for the challenges we face. When we are busy looking at another and blaming them for the problems we share, we have no energy left to look at ourselves and see our part in the conflict.

We must recall that no one is blameless when conflict arise in a relationship. Each of us has our part and must take responsibility for what we have or have not done to make the relationship work.

One of the primary areas we work at is personal growth. We have a lifetime dedicated to this task. We practice the art of self care and recovery daily. We continue to use our tools to see ourselves in the clearest light while learning to exercise discernment regarding our behavior and those with whom we associate. As we learn to trust ourselves and our ability to assess situations accurately, our self esteem increases. In this way we give ourselves the gift of sound judgement.

I'm Unhappy, Why Can't I Leave?

2009-07-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

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Why is ending a relationship so difficult? Why do we agonize over the decision to leave a partner when we are unhappy? When the pain of staying in the relationship is overwhelming, why do we continue to hesitate over the decision to go?

These questions deserve an answer. When we enter into a relationship we enjoy the newly found pleasurable interactions. Our brain reacts to this exchange by releasing dopamine, a neurotransmitter in the brain, when the nucleus accumbens or pleasure center is stimulated. Dopamine is a feel good chemical in the body. Therefore the more we experience good times with our new partner the more dopamine we produce, and the more pleasure we feel.

The prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of the brain, is concerned with rational decision making and long term consequences. The prefrontal cortex tracks every moment spent with our new partner. As our relationship continues over the years, we begin to notice more and more instances when our partner is irritating. This irritation causes the amount of dopamine produced by our now less stimulated pleasure center to drop. We don't feel as good as we did before. The thinking brain begins to weigh the decision to remain in the relationship against the amount of pleasure received. As dopamine levels drop further, the thinking brain begins to lean toward the decision of leaving the relationship.

However this part of the brain doesn't make all the decisions alone. The pleasure center has developed an attachment as a result of all the dopamine released over the years. Now whenever dopamine is released the pleasure center revels in its arrival with strong good feelings. We have become hooked on our addiction to dopamine and the resultant good feelings.

Another area of the brain which weighs in during decision making is the amygdala. The amygdala formulates decisions based on impulse and emotion. This may account for our tendency to feel the urge to run when the going gets tough, or to stay when the relationship is proceeding smoothly.

Over time as the relationship degrades we receive less and less dopamine forcing our pleasure center to starve. The amygdala weighs in on the decision impulsively, first one way then another. The thinking brain begins to make the decision that leaving the relationship is the logical course of action. Different parts of the brain begin working toward determining the best outcome. When these parts disagree, as in the thinking brain, amygdala and the pleasure center, we experience cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance exists when we hold two contradictory ideas in our mind at the same time. This may cause us to experience uncomfortable feelings such as: anxiety, shame, anger and stress. At this point we have two choices, we can reconcile our ideas and make a decision that we feel is in our best interest, or we can begin to rationalize. If we choose to rationalize - creating false reasons or justifications to support a decision we know is not in our best interest - this can lead to confirmation bias and defense mechanisms kicking it to support the ego.

Overall we discover that a seemingly simple decision, leaving a relationship that is causing unhappiness and pain, is not easy. The loss of the good feelings we initially experienced in the relationship coupled with attachment, causes unhappiness and pain. When the pain of staying in the relationship is outweighed by the pain of leaving the relationship, we continue to stay, waiting for the occasional burst of dopamine. As the relationship collapses and the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving, we eventually make the choice to move on.

Although we will experience pain and loss in either instance, the short term pain of severing the ties with our partner will decrease over time and we will once again begin the task of rebuilding our self esteem and using our tools to ensure our recovery.

Intentions: The Lie Behind the Words

2009-07-29T15:40:00.000-07:00

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But I didn't mean for that to happen! That's not what I meant! I didn't mean for that to hurt your feelings! You misunderstood what I meant by that!

What do all these statements have in common? They all share one simple truth... intentions make no difference in how we are perceived by others. When we interact with those with whom we are in a relationship on a daily basis, we interpret what is said and done using the lens through which we view the world. We have no way of knowing what motivation our partner may have had when they took an action which affected us. We may think we know our partners intentions, and we may be correct at times, but in actuality we view the world through our own point of view.

How does this affect our relationship? When we talk to our partner we are expressing our thoughts and feelings through our words, actions and meta-messages. Our partner translates what we communicate through their lens. In the process, much may get lost in translation. Our underlying feelings may be communicated through our body language and our tone of voice. Yet, we may be unaware of how we are perceived. When we speak we may intend one message, but actually communicate another.

An excellent example involves our partner completing a chore which we have requested. We attempt to instruct as they work, wanting to achieve a particular result. We believe we are communicating our desire for a particular outcome, however our actions may indicate a belief that our partner may be incompetent to complete the task on their own. This underlying message comes through causing our partner to become annoyed with our interference. Although our intention was clear in our mind, our partner experienced our actions within a completely different frame work... their lens.

We recall that our partner was raised in a different family of origin. Within that family communications patterns developed and were imprinted on our partner as a baby, reinforced as a youth and finally adopted as an adult. Our experiences and communication patterns in our own family of origin were unique to our family. When we communicate with others our natural instincts revert to our original communication patterns. We recall that each individual learned their patterns in their family of origin, making communication more complex.

We may understand our intentions, but those who receive our message glean additional information through our body language and tone. We can compensate for this difference by carefully selecting our words, monitoring our tone of voice for indications of emotional discord and being aware of our own feelings. This is not, however, a panacea. We may still have occasions when our message is misinterpreted or lost. When we reach an impasse we use our tools. Dialogue, an important tool, may help to re-establish effective communication and restore balance to the relationship.

We practice self care making certain that we honor our feelings and communicate as effectively as possible. We use our tools to keep ourselves centered and balanced. In this way we give ourselves the gift of healthy communication skills.

Second Chances

2009-07-28T22:42:00.000-07:00

It is common for spouses to grieve for quite some time after their life partner has passed. (Especially when the passing is sudden and intense) In time the pain of losing the deceased lessens, though it never really disappears all together. The best we can hope for is that the deceased is remembered fondly and with love. In that way we are free to move on with our lives and try to find meaning within a new relationship. We really never "get over" the lost love, the pain fades over time. It is common for those who have lost a spouse to try to find someone who reminds them of their prior partner, especially if that relationship was a happy one.

When we do move on and begin a relationship with a new partner we may encounter obstacles we did not anticipate. Being involved with a new partner has its difficulties, but it is quite another matter to be a step parent. The loss of a mother or father is nothing like the loss of a partner. Children feel acute pain that is not lessened by the arrival of a step parent. Often the step parent is largely resented as another barrier in the childrens relationship with the surviving parent. Even if the children are older, this can be the case. Step parenting is extremely difficult under the best of circumstances and can be a nightmare when the biological parent is away working a good deal of the time, allowing children to feel further abandoned in addition to the death of the primary caretaker.

In addition, fear of intimacy may add to the discord. Losing a life partner can cause emotional wounds that may be difficult to heal. If fear of intimacy applies, it may account for erratic behavior. It is common for those of us who have intimacy issues to run when the going gets tough. Intimacy issues can be thorny ones to work through even with the best of counselors, but it can be done with enough compassion and effort.

Healing from the loss of a life partner will take time and patience. Once we have moved through the grieving process and have begun a new relationship, we will need our heart and head to be balanced and centered to deal with the challenges that may arise. We use our tools and practice self care being certain to allow others to do the same.

Lobbying Against the Lobbyists!

2009-07-27T23:09:00.000-07:00

I am a single Mom. When my 20 year old son left college to get a full time job he lost his health insurance. He was no longer able to access coverage under his Dad's policy and I cannot afford to pay for COBRA.

I understand that the insurance industry has paid millions of dollars to our congressional representatives in Washington in an attempt to buy their vote "no" on health care reform. The fact that almost 80% of Americans want health care reform seems to have little impact on our congress men and women. They have great health coverage that comes with their job. They seem to be concerned solely with getting re-elected. I am concerned that they are no longer representing us, the American people.

We have a voice and are largely being ignored. Since we can't afford to pay millions of dollars to our congress men and women, they listen to the lobbyists and not to us! This is unacceptable! We are the folks who gave them their jobs.

I believe that health care reform must include a public option that will offer all Americans the same health insurance that our congressional representatives currently enjoy AT OUR EXPENSE!!

This is not a partisan issue. Republicans, democrats and independents are all on the same page. Congress men and women... PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO US, the American people. We are not without a voice any longer!!

How Can I Practice Self Care in My Relationship?

2009-07-22T12:58:00.000-07:00

One of the first things we learn in recovery is that we can't control anyone but ourselves. Once we let go of trying to control people, things and outcomes, we have a much better chance at changing the one thing we do have control over... ourselves.

Owning our power, as opposed to giving it to our partner in the form of seeking approval, is one example of self care. We begin to complete our daily activities for our own reasons, to please ourselves, rather than to glean an approving nod or comment from our partner. When we place our partner in the role of judge, we give away our power.

The acronym H.A.L.T.S. is an effective way to remember areas that may provide room for conflict... hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad or scared. These six key areas may be triggers, leading us to use defense mechanisms to ease our discomfort. Recognizing that we are experiencing one of these feelings may be a boost to self understanding. We can practice self care (eat when hungry, take a time out for anger, call a friend if lonely, nap if tired, figure out why we are sad or scared and allow ourselves to be vulnerable by sharing) before we react to our partner, possibly avoiding negative interactions.

Some things in relationships are unchangeable. Basic personality traits of our partner may be something we must learn to accept, whether we are thrilled by all of them or not. For some, gratefulness is a way out. Gratefulness allow us to be aware of the blessings we already have and helps us to focus our attention in those areas. Once we are truly grateful for the blessings we already have in our lives, we are ripe for receiving more. It may help to keep a gratefulness journal where we write down five things for which we are grateful each day before bed. Over time we see that we have a full and wonderful life. This journal can be a great tool to read when we are feeling upset or out of balance and want to center ourselves.

The habit of keeping score is common in relationships. It can create difficulties for many reasons. When we lose sight of our contribution within the grand scheme of things, when we begin to see ourselves as the victim, we have become out of balance. We begin to focus on taking care of ourselves and practice using our tools in our daily lives, we may begin to give up the practice of keeping score. We realize that we are once again trying to control people, things and outcomes. We practice letting go and allowing outcomes to develop naturally along with gratefulness for all that we have been given in this world.

We are on the road to a wonderfully balanced inter-dependent relationship. The kind that brings much joy to partners. We work toward receiving the many blessings that a fulfilling relationship and life together has to offer!

Health Care Reform or Just Posturing

2009-07-21T15:29:00.000-07:00

It is a fact that almost 80% of the nation wants health care reform. Yet our senators and representatives in congress are busy fussing and fighting over partisan nonsense instead of buckling down and doing the work required to hammer out an excellent package. There are brilliant minds available with excellent ideas willing to help with the work.

We as a nation desperately need and want health care reform. It is a shame that our President has to go to the public to garner support for a bill that should not need any more support. Our congressional leaders have forgotten that their jobs is to work for us. It is apparent that the congressional agenda is NOT to take care of it's constituents, but to amass more seats in congress. For my part, this is narcissism, not governing.

I propose a national referendum that places term limits on congressional seats in both the house and senate. Neither of these bodies will pass the law themselves - and put themselves out of a job - but it must be done. We have term limits on many other government jobs and need it desperately in congress where the largest problem we face is cronyism and lobbyists. How can the nation expect congress to do their jobs properly when they are constantly thinking about running for re-election?

Am I A Victim?

2009-07-20T15:23:00.000-07:00

Why does this always happen to me? How come any partner I choose ends up doing the same things to me that the last one did? Why do I find myself in the same relationship over and over again?

What do these three questions have in common? They all allow us to believe that we are the victim. In that role, we give our power away. How did we come to be the victim? What are we getting out of this role? What can we do to over come this pattern in our lives?

We may have come to see ourselves as victims through the lens of co-dependency. During a time in our lives when we lived with dysfunctional people we may have truly been a victim. We may have been a young child incapable of independence who needed our family system to survive. We may have been in an abusive relationship. We may have been genuinely hurt as a result of some past event.

If we didn't realize how we had adapted to survive these experiences, we may have become comfortable in the victim role. We may not realize we are feeling like a victim, but our language gives us away.

We may feel empowered in our capacity as victim. We may be using our role to passively control others and outcomes. In our past we may have needed to rely on our ability to manipulate through victim hood to ensure our survival. Now that we no longer live in that same family system, we have not yet realized how our victim identity has affected our current circumstances. In essence we continue to re-create the same dysfunctional familial dynamic in our new relationship by maintaining our victim status.

Once we realize our pattern and come to grips with the fact that we are no longer victims, we can begin to rebuild our self image and self esteem. It is vital that we let go of the need to control others and outcomes. In doing so we free ourselves from the need to continue our passivity and begin to own our power once again. As we begin to practice self care in our daily lives and use our tools to increase our self esteem, we free ourselves from the bonds of victim hood.

Sabotage: Crossing the Line From Taking Care to Caretaking

2009-07-16T23:48:00.000-07:00

How do we know if we are sabotaging our relationship? How can we determine if our actions are crossing the line from taking care to caretaking?

Co-dependency has been roughly defined as a condition which develops within us as a result of living with dysfunctional people outside of normal boundaries for an extended period of time. That definition, although specific, is general enough to allow a vast variety of dysfunctions to fall into the category of creating co-dependency. We can develop co-dependent characteristics as a result of being care givers to elderly parents, living with a disabled family member, having a partner who is an addict (alcohol, food, drugs, gambling, sex, etc., etc.), being subjected to extreme fear (post 9/11 trauma) or horrific violence (murder of a family member, rape, abuse, military service). There are many other obvious ways we can develop co-dependency, but what about the more subtle indications?

Overall we can say with accuracy that when we are doing for someone else what they can and should be doing for themselves, we are behaving as caretakers. That is the hallmark of co-dependency.

Why is caretaking a problem? Because the underlying message isn't help... no, it's incompetence. When we do for others what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves we are telling them by our actions that we don't believe they are capable of self care. They don't feel good about what we are doing and act accordingly. They are ungrateful and annoyed with us for our interference. We feel hurt. We tried to hard to take care of the situation and have not gotten what we expected in return, appreciation. That is because the meta-message is felt clearly by the recipient... you are incapable!

Additionally, there is another matter involved in caretaking. Manipulation. We are taking action to force a particular result. We are not actually focused on what's best for the other party, we are focused on what we would like to have as an outcome. That message, although we try our best to pretend we are angelic in our role, comes through loud and clear as well. The recipient doesn't really know why they feel uncomfortable about what we are doing, but they sense something isn't right.

We must learn to let go of outcomes and find a way to let the universe unfold naturally. If we feel uncomfortable not controlling, we use our tools to decrease our stress and practice self care. In the end we will triumph in our relationship if we allow our partner to take care of themselves as we do the same.