Thomas J. Scheff, Sociologist has made some observations about shame, humiliation and obsession. These views are an excellent reminder of the reason we take recovery to heart, making time each day to practice self care and keep our tools sharp. We are grateful for the role recovery plays in our lives keeping us from being absorbed by humiliation and shame. We know who we are, we are honest with ourselves about our capabilities and our flaws. We see ourselves in truth. Each of us has our unique gifts and we celebrate them in our daily lives.
Here are Thomas Schreff's words.
Many of us have painful obsessions, lasting for hours, days, weeks or months. Someone has been rude or rejecting, so we think about what we should have said, or how we could have avoided the incident entirely. These thoughts go on night and day. We try to think about other matters or do other things, but we eat obsession with breakfast, lunch and dinner. These small obsessions eventually leave. We can still remember the moment, but the pain and compulsion have disappeared. What happened?
Perhaps emotions are the secret, particularly humiliation or shame. Instead of acknowledging the pain in the moment, we internalize it. The danger is that we can become ashamed of being ashamed, and so on, a spiral. People who blush, for example, can be ashamed of the blush, and so blush even more, round and round. So humiliation can spiral to the point that it haunts us. Emotions, at their core, are bodily states of arousal. It is bodily arousal over which we have no direct control that makes the obsession painful and compulsive.
At times, instead of merely swallowing the insult, we responds in kind, either in the moment, or more likely, in thinking about it afterwards. Instead of suffering humiliation in silence, we activate our defense... anger. We are still obsessed, but are now driven by anger about being humiliated, and shame about being angry, a loop. Both shame and shame/anger spirals can lead to endless obsession.
As we remember who we are and were we began our journey into recovery we can appreciate how easy it might be to allow ourselves to spiral out of control into the dark recesses of obsession and shame. We practice self care giving ourselves all we need to create a safe place where we can blossom. Our tools are our lifeline keeping us grounded in our gifts and our abilitiy to create a better tomorrow for ourselves and those we love.
Showing posts with label humiliation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humiliation. Show all posts
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Emotional Abuse: Is There Hope?
How do we become victims of emotional abuse? What does emotional abuse look like? What can we do to repair an emotionally abusive relationship?
Emotional abuse is difficult to define. It doesn't leave bruises on the body, it doesn't break dishes or punch holes in walls. It does, however, leave the victim feeling confused, angry, degraded and wounded. Emotional abusers denigrate their partners with a sharp tongue that cuts like a knife. Words that wound leave deep emotional scars that can last a lifetime. Name calling, sarcasm, vulgarities, litanies of past offenses, screaming tirades, public humiliation, defamation, character assassination, the silent treatment, emotional blackmail and other offenses are among the tools of the abuser.
We may feel terribly afraid and unhappy. We are confused about what has happened to our relationship. We once felt that our partner was our perfect match, but now those times seem to be less and less frequent. We may be questioning our instincts. We feel that we are being treated with disrespect, but we are told that we are at fault. We may be spending a great deal of time crying or feeling despair at our inability to communicate our needs to our partner in a way in which we can be heard and understood. We tell our partner why we are upset, but they seem unwilling or unable to modify their behavior.
This scenario is all to familiar to many of us who have been emotionally abused or are being emotionally abused at the hands of our partner. We are confused by our inability to decide how to proceed, but unable to decide whether to leave the relationship. As a result of the abusers continuous denigrating behavior we are beginning to feel less and less capable. We are slowly suffering from the effects of degraded self esteem.
The cycle of abuse has a distinct pattern. Following incidents, abusers oftentimes apologise for their behavior and actions. They may promise change. The honeymoon phase that follows incidents may include times when we are showered with affection and gifts in an attempt to decrease the abusers sense of guilt and shame. We too are often filled with shame as a result of allowing ourselves to be abused. We may tell virtually no one what is happening, believing what we are told by the abuser, that we are at fault. This combination of low self esteem and shame keeps us locked into the cycle of abuse and makes deciding whether to stay or leave the relationship extremely difficult.
Initially the relationship may have been fulfilling allowing both we and the abuser to enjoy the partnership. Over time, as the incidents became increasingly frequent, both we and the abuser began to feel less and less satisfaction within the relationship. We may feel angry, resentful and hostile over the continued abuse. The abuser, on the other hand, may feel misunderstood and persecuted due to their inability to see their behavior from another point of view.
Our ability to connect the dots and see the interconnection between our enabling behavior in allowing ourselves to remain in an abusive relationship, and the degradation of our self esteem, is paramount to us being able to rebuild our self image and begin to practice self care. Emotional abuse occurs within partnerships gradually, growing worse over time if left ignored. It is imperative that we seek help to increase our understanding of our part in the situation. At the same time, if we are to repair our partnership, the abuser too must desire assistance to change the pattern that has emerged in the relationship.
If both partners are interested in repairing the relationship and willing to do the necessary work to increase their respective self esteem, there is hope for recovery. The key to having hope for improvement is the individual desire of both partners to commit to repairing the relationship. If this commitment is present, both partners may be able to deal individually with their underlying issues in a safe therapeutic environment. Once the process of recovery has begun in earnest and individual progress has been made, learning how to communicate effectively may be possible.
Emotional abuse is not to be ignored. We may not realize how great it's impact is upon us initially. Over time as we become aware of our decreased self esteem, we learn that our enabling behavior has cost us a great deal. It is never too late to learn self care. We ask for help in finding and using tools to rebuilt our shattered ego.
Emotional abuse is difficult to define. It doesn't leave bruises on the body, it doesn't break dishes or punch holes in walls. It does, however, leave the victim feeling confused, angry, degraded and wounded. Emotional abusers denigrate their partners with a sharp tongue that cuts like a knife. Words that wound leave deep emotional scars that can last a lifetime. Name calling, sarcasm, vulgarities, litanies of past offenses, screaming tirades, public humiliation, defamation, character assassination, the silent treatment, emotional blackmail and other offenses are among the tools of the abuser.
We may feel terribly afraid and unhappy. We are confused about what has happened to our relationship. We once felt that our partner was our perfect match, but now those times seem to be less and less frequent. We may be questioning our instincts. We feel that we are being treated with disrespect, but we are told that we are at fault. We may be spending a great deal of time crying or feeling despair at our inability to communicate our needs to our partner in a way in which we can be heard and understood. We tell our partner why we are upset, but they seem unwilling or unable to modify their behavior.
This scenario is all to familiar to many of us who have been emotionally abused or are being emotionally abused at the hands of our partner. We are confused by our inability to decide how to proceed, but unable to decide whether to leave the relationship. As a result of the abusers continuous denigrating behavior we are beginning to feel less and less capable. We are slowly suffering from the effects of degraded self esteem.
The cycle of abuse has a distinct pattern. Following incidents, abusers oftentimes apologise for their behavior and actions. They may promise change. The honeymoon phase that follows incidents may include times when we are showered with affection and gifts in an attempt to decrease the abusers sense of guilt and shame. We too are often filled with shame as a result of allowing ourselves to be abused. We may tell virtually no one what is happening, believing what we are told by the abuser, that we are at fault. This combination of low self esteem and shame keeps us locked into the cycle of abuse and makes deciding whether to stay or leave the relationship extremely difficult.
Initially the relationship may have been fulfilling allowing both we and the abuser to enjoy the partnership. Over time, as the incidents became increasingly frequent, both we and the abuser began to feel less and less satisfaction within the relationship. We may feel angry, resentful and hostile over the continued abuse. The abuser, on the other hand, may feel misunderstood and persecuted due to their inability to see their behavior from another point of view.
Our ability to connect the dots and see the interconnection between our enabling behavior in allowing ourselves to remain in an abusive relationship, and the degradation of our self esteem, is paramount to us being able to rebuild our self image and begin to practice self care. Emotional abuse occurs within partnerships gradually, growing worse over time if left ignored. It is imperative that we seek help to increase our understanding of our part in the situation. At the same time, if we are to repair our partnership, the abuser too must desire assistance to change the pattern that has emerged in the relationship.
If both partners are interested in repairing the relationship and willing to do the necessary work to increase their respective self esteem, there is hope for recovery. The key to having hope for improvement is the individual desire of both partners to commit to repairing the relationship. If this commitment is present, both partners may be able to deal individually with their underlying issues in a safe therapeutic environment. Once the process of recovery has begun in earnest and individual progress has been made, learning how to communicate effectively may be possible.
Emotional abuse is not to be ignored. We may not realize how great it's impact is upon us initially. Over time as we become aware of our decreased self esteem, we learn that our enabling behavior has cost us a great deal. It is never too late to learn self care. We ask for help in finding and using tools to rebuilt our shattered ego.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Shining the Light Through The Veil of Deception
And so it begins. The hearings in the House and Senate on torture will bring to light the information that has shamed all of us who are proud of our country. We will see the ugliness that came from absolute power that corrupted absolutely. Those who committed war crimes under the guise that, a threat was imminent and we had no other choice, will be trotted out, their sins finally seeing the light of day.
We must do this as a nation to give the clear message to all those who come after us that this type of behavior will not be tolerated by the people of America. We are a people of morals and values that we will not compromise, even when faced with extreme fear. There is no reason to stoop to such degradation and humiliation.
If we are to continue to be the light of the world and the example of democracy, we cannot behave in such dehumanizing ways. As the leaders of the free world we carry the heavy responsibility to act in such a way that sets the example of regard for all human life. We have reached the tipping point. The American people can no longer sit idly by and watch as our country is turned into a terrorist nation by the terrorized people who ran our former administration.
Torture is a war crime that carries with it not just the punishment of imprisonment, but the shame of betrayal. Those who have tortured others in the name of America must face the shame of their actions and be shunned by the respected citizens of the United States and the world.
In shining the light of intense scrutiny through the veil of deception we will uncover the truth. Let it come. It is the cleansing that we must endure to rid ourselves of the filth that these horrendous acts have bestowed upon us.
May God bless us in our search for truth.
We must do this as a nation to give the clear message to all those who come after us that this type of behavior will not be tolerated by the people of America. We are a people of morals and values that we will not compromise, even when faced with extreme fear. There is no reason to stoop to such degradation and humiliation.
If we are to continue to be the light of the world and the example of democracy, we cannot behave in such dehumanizing ways. As the leaders of the free world we carry the heavy responsibility to act in such a way that sets the example of regard for all human life. We have reached the tipping point. The American people can no longer sit idly by and watch as our country is turned into a terrorist nation by the terrorized people who ran our former administration.
Torture is a war crime that carries with it not just the punishment of imprisonment, but the shame of betrayal. Those who have tortured others in the name of America must face the shame of their actions and be shunned by the respected citizens of the United States and the world.
In shining the light of intense scrutiny through the veil of deception we will uncover the truth. Let it come. It is the cleansing that we must endure to rid ourselves of the filth that these horrendous acts have bestowed upon us.
May God bless us in our search for truth.
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