Donuts and the Truth

If you don't want the truth... don't ask me. If you want something sugarcoated... go eat a donut.

Today while surfing online I read a post that struck me. It really got me thinking... do we want to hear the truth when we come to a counselor looking for support? Or are we just there to have someone reinforce our own point of view? Are we looking for truth or validation?

Personally, I think we attend counseling to allow another to tell us the truth. It may be the awful truth... it may be something we'd rather not hear... but in the end what we really desire is for someone... anyone... to finally be 100% honest with us.

Why do I think that is the case? Because for many of us we have been deceived and manipulated by others for so long that we doubt our ability to discern the truth. We have lost our innate trust in our own gut.

It may have happened when we were kids and our parents refused to discuss the elephant in the room... an alcoholic or abusive parent or sibling for example... and we began to believe that somehow we were wrong. We saw that elephant... didn't they? Why wouldn't they talk to us about it? Why did they insist it wasn't there? Were we unable to properly distinguish reality? They are big... we are small... they know what's real... we don't. We are scared by this difference in perception. In order to feel safe we decide to believe they are right.

Here we are... many years later. We try to select a partner with whom to create a life. We pick someone who "feels right". All goes well at first... we then discover we have chosen a person who mirrors some of the same dysfunction we experienced in our childhoods. It "felt right" because as dysfunctional as our childhoods may have been... it's comfortable... familiar.

Years pass and we and our partner drift apart. We come to counseling and we vent... we cry... we allow ourselves to be seen in all our pain. We want answers. We want someone... anyone... to finally tell us why this happened in our relationship.

Finally we begin to see the truth. We are told something in counseling that infuriates us and realize we are still reacting to the same old pain. Sometimes we read a book and see ourselves in a new light. Sometimes others situations are similar and we learn from their wisdom. However it happens... we learn more about ourselves through the process.

In the end we come through the experience with new wisdom... an inner strength we never knew existed... and discover serenity and acceptance.

Moving Beyond Betrayal

How do we move past the pain and loss of betrayal? Can we salvage our relationship or is betrayal the kiss of death?

Not all betrayal involves emotional or physical affairs. Some betrayal involves more subtle violations that can occur slowly and painfully over many years. Drug and alcohol abuse can fall into this category, as can gambling or any other addiction.

The first step in determining whether we can move beyond betrayal is to determine why our partner strayed from their promises in the first place. This may be an area requiring the assistance of a counselor. We may be unable to figure out what was lacking either in our partner or in our relationship without help. We must keep in mind that some betrayal occurs because of a issue within our partner... and some occurs because of an issue within the relationship. To avoid a repeat of the problem, discerning the underlying cause is paramount.

Once we have clarified why the betrayal happened we will be able to determine if a repair of the relationship is possible or desirable. At this point we have the information we need to make an informed decision. We must decide if the betrayal is a deal breaker... or just an issue needing work than can be healed by time and effort.

Some relationships rebound from betrayal with increased intimacy and trust... others dissolve. It is our decision based upon the information we have gathered that will determine which outcome is best for our particular situation. All relationships are unique. A counselor can assist in clarifying the issues present and in facilitating communication, but only the partners involved can decide what is best for their situation.

Reaching out for help when relationships falter can save partners from a future of pain or bring one of joy.

How Do I Move Past the Anger?

How do I move past the anger I feel toward my former abusive partner?

The reason a former partner still acts hostile and nasty toward us is because we escaped their abuse. They feel resentment toward us because they still feel some level of involvement.
They enjoy poking at us and trying to get our goat... it's sadly part of the personality of someone who is abusive... it's their way of trying to control us.

We need to learn how to unplug those buttons that they push. That takes work and help... it's not something we will likely be able to accomplish alone. If we don't have a counselor we need to find someone who specializes in abuse and recovery. That is where we will find the tools we need to move past the anger and bitterness.

As long as we continue to hate the abuser we are tying ourselves to them emotionally. Hate and love are the opposite of the same emotion. When our feelings evolve into indifference we will have moved past our own attachment and their antics will appear humerous to us... much like a cartoon character.

Anger does nothing to help in the process. It eats away at our insides and can turn into resentment and bitterness. Compassion is the answer... feeling empathy for their inability to move past their own dysfunction and disease which locks them in their own cycle of pain.

Luckily for us, we don't have to participate in that cycle any longer... but they still do. It's within them and they have no where to run... changing partners doesn't solve the problem because the problem is within them. Seeing the situation is that light helps. It gives us the ability to see past our own anger and see them for the small person they really are...

Dysfunctional and diseased.

Am I Angry or Enraged?

I like to think of anger as a stop sign. It is a signal to us that someone or something has crossed our boundary or violated our values. If we ignore our anger and internalize it we eventually experience it coming out sidways... possibly passive aggressively, making ourselves sick, or a multitude of other avenues.

Anger is the tip of the emotional iceberg. Most of the time is it our defense mechanism rising up to protect us from experiencing deeper feelings... like fear, loss, saddness. That's why I like to call it a stop sign. If we stop and consider, why am I angry? We may get a chance to know ourselves better. We may be able to realize a deeper feeling underneath the anger and address an unresolved issue.

There is another form... rage. Rage is very different from anger. Rage is not a response to a current boundary incursion or value violation. Rage is a response to a trigger from the past. When we react toward current events with rage we are reacting to something that happened long ago that has remained unresolved.

Rage feels different than anger. It rises us from the depths of our toes, it burns like a fire, we feel it bubble and boil in our guts. Rage causes us to react with a 10 when a 2 is appropriate. Rage is a signal that we have been triggered and have an unresolved issue that needs attention.

Anger has a place in relationships. When we are angry we can take some time to think about our situation, figure out why we feel the way we do, then choose to do something about it.

Rage has no place in relationships. Rage is a destructive force that injures both parties causing resentment and bitterness over time. Rage is a form of abuse.

Why Is Betrayal So Complex?

Betrayal is complex. Although it appears simple and straight forward it is not. Betrayal comes in many forms... adultery is one, domestic violence is another, so is spousal abuse.

There are a number of reasons why people betray. The most profound is that before we can betray our partner, we must first betray ourselves. As partners we generally agree on basic human values. We have made certain agreements about how we will behave in the relationship.

When we make the decision to betray we first decide not to honor our own internal values. We intellectualize our emotions and turn off our feelings. If we permitted ourselves to feel, we would be overwhelmed with saddness and disappointment in our own behavior, so we choose to feel nothing.

Once we have become numb it is impossible to feel the pain and loss that we are creating by our betrayal. We are living in our heads, not in our hearts. After the initial numb phase has passed and the reality of our situation has begun to sink in, we may begin to defrost. This is a very dangerous time for us. We may face an overwhelming backlog of feelings that have been stifled during our numb stage. As we process these feelings we may swing from grief and regret over the losses we caused to anger and blame over the consequences of our actions.

Through it all we may find that we are no happier with our new life than our old one. We have not dealt with our issues, only substituted one set of problems for another. The common denominator being the same... us.

Compassion, the Key to Joy

Sometimes there are posts written by those in the recovery field that are excellent and worth repeating. Here is one such post by noted author and blogger, Steven Stosny.

Anger in Marriage: Failure of Compassion and the Rise of Contempt

Most marriages end in a whimper, not a bang. The final rupture is not caused by too much anger or abuse or infidelity. Rather, most marriages die a slow, agonizing death from too little compassion.

Compassion is sympathy for the hurt or distress of another. At heart it is a simple appreciation of the basic human frailty we all share, which is why the experience of compassion makes you feel more humane and less isolated.

Compassion is necessary for the formation of emotional bonds. Think of when you were dating someone you eventually came to love. Suppose you had to call that person and report that your parents had died. If your date responded with, "Well, that's tough, call me when you get over it," would you have fallen in love with that person? Chances are, you fell in love with someone who cared about how you felt, especially when you felt bad.

Most of what you fight about now is not money or sex or in-laws or raising the kids. Those are common problems that seem insurmountable only when you're hurt. What causes the hurt, i.e., what you really fight about, is the impression that your partner doesn't care how you feel. When someone you love is not compassionate, it feels like abuse.

As compassion decreases, resentment automatically rises, making common problems insoluble. If unfettered by the better angels of our nature, resentment inevitably turns into contempt.

Contempt is disdain for the hurt of others, due to their lower moral standing, character defects, mental instability, ignorance, or general unworthiness. Contempt is powered by a low but steady dose of adrenalin. So long as the adrenalin lasts, you feel more confident and self-righteous in blaming your bad feelings on some defect of your partner. But you also feel less humane. And when the adrenalin wears off, you feel depressed.

Both compassion and contempt are extremely contagious and highly influenced by projection. If you're around a compassionate person, you're likely to become more compassionate. If you're around a contemptuous person, you're likely to become more contemptuous, unless you make a determined effort to remain true to your deepest values. If you project onto others that they're compassionate, they are likely to become more considerate. If you project contemptuous characterizations, such as, "loser, abuser, selfish, lazy, narcissistic, irrational, devious, etc.," they are likely to become more so.

By the time couples come to our boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse, they have developed entrenched habits of protecting their respective vulnerabilities by devaluing each other. They try to justify their contempt with "evidence" that the partner is selfish, lazy, narcissistic, crazy, abusive, etc. Mutual contempt makes them both feel chronically criticized and attacked, although neither really wants to attack the other. They feel like victims and rationalize their bad behavior as mere reactions to the awful behavior of the other. Their defenses so automatically justify their resentment and contempt that they cannot possibly see each other.

Neither can they see that their resentment and contempt have cut them off from their deeper values and made them into someone they are not.

Once defenses become habits, they run on automatic pilot and resist change through insight. They will likely recur in any future relationship that stirs guilt, shame, and anxiety, that is to say, any close relationship.

The only way out, whether the couple stays in the relationship or not, is to focus on compassion - not to manipulate change in the other - but to feel more humane and to reconnect with their deepest values.

The problem is that most couples are afraid to embrace compassion once they've been hurt.

How we cope with our feelings is vital. We work hard during our recovery to embrace all our emotions and learn to give our partner the space to do the same. Our recovery emboldens us to be compassionate partners as we walk our chosen path.

Addiction or Dedication... Which Am I?

What is the difference between addiction and dedication? Why is one destructive and the other constructive?

Work is a healthy necessary vital part of one's life. However, there are workaholics who lose their ability to get pleasure from other parts of their lives and find comfort only in work. We migrate from acceptable to destructive in that example and from dedicated to addicted.

Pain killers are a necessity after surgery. We would be unable to tolerate the enormous pain we would suffer without them. As we heal we take less and less of the pain killers until we no longer need them. When we do not take less and less, we become addicted to them. We have again moved from acceptable to destructive.

The point of addiction arrives when the substance or activity is interfering with our ability to live our lives, enjoy healthy pleasures and interact with others in positive meaningful ways. Through abuse we can become addicted to virtually anything... diet soda, sugar, McDonalds, gambling, illicit drugs, porn, sky diving, even violence and hostility can become addicting. When a substance or activity becomes addictive it destroys our ability to remain peaceful and centered, to practice self care and enjoy our daily lives.

Constructive substances and activities enhance the quality of our lives. They may give meaning and pleasure to our routines and enhance our enjoyment. It is easy to move from constructive to destructive when we become unbalanced. When we seek to escape from the pressures of daily life in unhealthy ways we may take constructive activities or substances and allow them to become destructive.

This is the reason we participate in recovery. Through our ability to practice self care and look within at our own truths we keep ourselves in balance. We remind ourselves not to struggle against the ebb and flow of the universe and allow our higher power to guide us on our chosen path. Through recovery work we learn to practice self care and return to balance in all areas of our lives.

Recovery from Trauma, Stress and Abuse

There are many articles on trauma and stress. This one is excellent and addresses many of the issues we face in our relationships. It is interesting to note that the field of psychology has determined to give a diagnosis to the condition we in recovery have long termed codependency. As we practice our tools and increase our self esteem we overcome so many of these difficulties in our daily lives. Here are some excerpts from the article for our review.

The Effects of Prolonged Psychological Trauma and Abuse by Brian Trappler, M.D.

There was a time when mental health professionals attempted to fit all trauma-related symptoms into the single category of PTSD. Several years after PTSD was adopted , studies revealed that this diagnosis captured only a limited scope of post-traumatic symptoms.
Several studies of traumatized children reported patterns of unmotivated aggression and impulse control, dissociative symptoms and difficulties negotiating interpersonal relationships. Others studied victims who had survived rape or incest during childhood. Their findings also illustrated problems not captured in PTSD. Instead, these victims appeared to have a compromised sense of safety, self worth, and an inability to self-soothe.

People who have been in any type of prolonged abuse situation, including hostages, abused children and battered spouses, may continue to feel and behave as victims as a result of the sense of danger they felt when they were in the abusive situation... it never passed from their conscious or unconscious memory. Throughout their lives, they describe themselves as feeling emotionally dead inside... other people may see them as being detached. Almost twenty years after psychological effects of trauma had been squeezed into the label of PTSD, there emerged a new term for this syndrome: Complex Trauma.

The following symptoms may occur in people with prolonged histories of inter-personal trauma: disturbances in perception of self and others, patterns of trauma re-enactment, inability to regulate mood, the adoption by victims of the belief systems of their tormentors, a loss of a coherent sense of self, an inability to engage in stable or trusting relationships, and an inability to free themselves from the abuse dynamic. While some victims became abusers themselves, others appeared to become compulsively attracted to predators. By so doing, they continued a repetition-compulsion of their childhood abuse into their adult relationships. Complex trauma may cause changes in the following areas of development:

1. Alterations in mood and impulse control
2. Alterations in attention or consciousness
3. Symptoms of a somatic nature
4. Alterations in self-perception
5. Alterations in relations with others
6. Alterations in perception of the perpetrator
7. Alterations in systems of meaning

Complex Trauma may cause damage to the following areas of interpersonal functioning:

1. The capacity to feel secure and emotionally comfortable in relationships
2. The capacity to feel empowered in relationships with others (via empathic engagement)
3. The skills required for self-awareness.
4. The skills required for affect-regulation and self-soothing
5. The personal sense of boundaries
6. The ability to preserve world beliefs and a sense of meaning
7. The ability to stay anchored and mindful during stress (as opposed to dissociating)
8. The ability to tolerate a full range of emotions without being overwhelmed or shutting down


We can be grateful that we have the tools necessary to combat the effects of trauma, stress and abuse in our daily lives. We practice self care increasing our self esteem and moving ever so steadily toward acceptance. In this way we continue to give ourselves the gift of hope.

Cyberspace: Danger Ahead

There have been many questions posed regarding cyber sex, infidelity, online safety and appropriate limits to these relationships as regards our primary partnership.

There are two types of affairs that occur in committed relationships. There is the betrayal that occurs when one partner has a physical relationship outside the partnership. That type of betrayal may or may not involve emotional attachment.

There is also the emotional affair. Emotional affairs are particularly dangerous because the parties involved are building intimacy with a person who is not a part of their primary relationship.

When intimacy is built outside of the primary relationship walls tend to go up between partners. There is an instinctive reaction to back away, to retreat from the openness and trust that existed before one partner began to need to hide their feelings and actions from the other.

Neither of these affairs is positive or beneficial for the long term health of the relationship. Any time one partner must behave covertly, the line between acceptable interaction and unacceptable interaction has been crossed.

In cyberspace, where honesty and deception can easily become interwoven during texting and chatting, the specter of anonymity allows people to entertain ideas that they might not in live interactions. For this reason care must be taken when online to be wary of predators and abusers. The inability to read body language, tone of voice and gestures makes it easy for those who would deceive.

Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites can be great places to share tidbits of everyday life with family and friends or conduct business. Finding classmates from the past can be fun, but chatting with former beaus may carry the risk of opening up old feelings that may not belong in the present.

As long as partners don't password protect their computers from one another and allow each other free access (whether it's used or not) to each others web pages, there should be no reason for concern. Use common sense, when it feels like it's going in the wrong direction and you wonder if you should continue, you probably shouldn't.

We Attract Who We Are

What happens when we have no choice but to leave our relationship? Why do we feel so upset? When we have been treated with disrespect, betrayed or abused why do we feel remorse?

We have taken a first step that is very difficult, but one that we apparently feel is necessary. We have left our relationship. Feeling remorse, guilt, anger, confusion is all very normal during this time. We are doing something that we never wanted to do, leaving our partner.

Regardless of who may be at fault, there is a great deal of pain involved in lettting go of the hopes and dreams that we all have regarding our future when we end a relationship. It is never easy. The feelings of failure we experience may be related to the fact that we may have believed we were the one to be the provider, the protector, the one to shield our family from the evils of the world. Or we may have felt we were the nurturer, the one who kept our loved ones safe from harm, who made our house a home, who created a place of renewal and hope for our family.

We may now feel we can no longer accomplish those goals. Although we may have stumbled on our path we can still believe in ourselves. We may yet still be able to accomplish our goals with a new partner at some point in the future. Our current partner will have to protect themself from the harsh realities of life on their own... those are the consequences for the choices that have been made.

Remember... within there lies a heart of gold. Someone out there will be the luckiest person alive to someday have us as their partner. Meanwhile we take the time to heal, practice our tools, learn about ourselves and our blind spots and become the person we want to be. We attract not what we want, but who we are.

Hang in there. Time truly does heal.

Am I A Victim?

Why does this always happen to me? How come any partner I choose ends up doing the same things to me that the last one did? Why do I find myself in the same relationship over and over again?

What do these three questions have in common? They all allow us to believe that we are the victim. In that role, we give our power away. How did we come to be the victim? What are we getting out of this role? What can we do to over come this pattern in our lives?

We may have come to see ourselves as victims through the lens of co-dependency. During a time in our lives when we lived with dysfunctional people we may have truly been a victim. We may have been a young child incapable of independence who needed our family system to survive. We may have been in an abusive relationship. We may have been genuinely hurt as a result of some past event.

If we didn't realize how we had adapted to survive these experiences, we may have become comfortable in the victim role. We may not realize we are feeling like a victim, but our language gives us away.

We may feel empowered in our capacity as victim. We may be using our role to passively control others and outcomes. In our past we may have needed to rely on our ability to manipulate through victim hood to ensure our survival. Now that we no longer live in that same family system, we have not yet realized how our victim identity has affected our current circumstances. In essence we continue to re-create the same dysfunctional familial dynamic in our new relationship by maintaining our victim status.

Once we realize our pattern and come to grips with the fact that we are no longer victims, we can begin to rebuild our self image and self esteem. It is vital that we let go of the need to control others and outcomes. In doing so we free ourselves from the need to continue our passivity and begin to own our power once again. As we begin to practice self care in our daily lives and use our tools to increase our self esteem, we free ourselves from the bonds of victim hood.

I Cheated... I'm Sorry... Is That Enough?

These are a selection of comments made to a self admitted cheater who got caught and is now trying to save his relationship. [Details omitted to protect the privacy of those involved.] We can all benefit from reviewing the cost of hurting our partner in this way. Many of us have had difficulties in our relationships. This is clearly not the way to solve problems. Cheating is not a solution, but an additional problem. The overall question is, what does one do to rebuild once the bombshell has dropped? Here are some observations.

"You are clearly intelligent, well spoken and capable of communication. Thus far what I have seen, reflects a man who may be in mid-life crisis. It is not uncommon for folks to face this at about your age. Have you considered this?"
"Due to your intellect you have been able, thus far, to rationalize your actions. This is not a plus. Staying in your head keeps you out of touch with yourself and doesn't allow you to feel the enormity of the situation. Intellectualizing is a defense mechanism. Are you using it?"
"We all have stress in our lives that may at times cause us to feel depressed. How we respond to that stress indicates who we are when no one is looking. Many men at mid life, reacting to the inevitability of aging, begin affairs in order to affirm their virility. Is that what you are doing?"
"You have gone to great lengths to discuss the fact that you are now having open and honest communication with your wife. Please think about the virtue of honesty vs the abuse of that virtue in looking for her to absolve you of your failure to keep your commitment. It seems that you are looking to your wife to cleanse you of your defective behavior. If that is the case, please know that it is not her responsibility to forgive you so that you can feel better. If she chooses forgiveness it is solely for her benefit. Is that what you are doing?"
"You must find your own path to forgiveness with your higher power for your actions. This is difficult and painful as it requires you to accept that you have placed yourself before others in every aspect of your life. You currently believe that you have taken nothing from your family in pursuing this intentional course of action. Please do not deceive yourself in this way. Do you think you are doing that?"
"You will need to accept the fact that you have behaved dysfunctionally and that as a result of your actions you have caused great harm to both your wife and your children. Please don't think they are unaware of what has happened. They may not know details, but they surely know that a bombshell has dropped. You and your wife are seeing a counselor. That is a necessary first step. What about your children? They need counseling as well. Have you taken care of that?"
"You have written that you still have the urge to visit the old ways. This indicates some level of addiction. You will need to address these addictive behaviors directly within an appropriate setting. Are you doing that?"
"There are many unanswered questions. Please take the time to think about them. They are vital to your mental health. Are you willing to do that?"

We work hard to recover from relationship trauma. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We seek a path which we walk one step at a time, sometimes not knowing where we are headed. We reach out to our higher power in faith that we will be better persons for the effort. We humble ourselves in admitting our faults and seeing ourselves as we are. This road that we walk is worth every bit of effort. If we ever doubt the truth of our recovery we can read this post and recall that "there but for the grace of God, go I".

Do You Know the Early Warning Signs of Abuse?

This blog references an excellent post written by Dr. Steven Stosny, as expert in the field of relationship counseling, emotional abuse and domestic violence. We are encouraged to take note of the information provided by Dr. Stosny with regard to very early warning signs in potential partners. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/emotional-abuse-verbal-abuse-very-early-warning-signs
Many of us have been involved in relationships where we have been abused either financially, emotionally or physically. We recall how difficult it was to extricate ourselves from the grip of that relationship. How much we might have appreciated knowing these very early warning signs before we became involved, allowed our inner selves to be crushed, then needed to practice daily self care to rebuild our shattered self esteem.

We thank our Higher Power for our path, our tools, our ability to associate with those who have walked the path before us showing us the light at the end of the tunnel. How much pain we might have avoided had we been aware of these red flags. We have discussed this information time and again, but having it all in one post is an invaluable tool.

In reading Dr. Stosny's post we can marvel at the many items that catch our attention. We read various early warning signs and realize that our partner did in fact do many of these things early on in our relationships. Blaming ourselves for not realizing is unnecessary and hurtful. We must be gentle with ourselves and not go down that road again. We forgive ourselves for not knowing. We are on the right path taking one step forward day by day.

We can feel blessed that we have been on the road to recovery and can now practice self care. We use our tools in our daily lives increasing our self esteem each and every day. We pass along these important points to help others in avoiding these pitfalls. As we reach out to inform others we use our tools to share rather than control. We allow others to make their own decisions and face their own consequences. This is the essence of detachment and self care.

Please read the linked post as pass it along to whomever you believe might benefit from it's content. Consider it a part of your recovery journey, sharing valuable information and life's lessons. Let your Higher Power guide you in your choices to share.

Our Rights and Responsibilities as Citizens

Two American journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, have been sentenced to twelve years hard labor in North Korea. Although there is the possibility that they may be pardoned as a result of diplomatic efforts in the weeks and months ahead, we cannot help but think of the terror that must exist within their hearts during this very dark time. We as a nation pray for their safe return.

This situation brings home the important point that we, America, must never again engage in the kind of inhumane treatment of prisoners that has occurred over the past seven years during the Bush/Cheney administration. The North Koreans arrested, charged, tried and convicted these two young women in a space of just a few months. We certainly have the ability to do the same here in the US. Holding detainees without charges for extended periods of time cannot be permitted. We must continue to be a beacon of enlightenment to the world, not a picture of hypocrisy. If people are arrested they should be charged, tried and either convicted or freed within a reasonable time period. No nation has the right to hold foreign nationals in limbo for indefinite periods of time.

Our nation was built to be an example of human rights and tolerance. We must rise to the occasion whether we are living in peace or not. Intolerance gives way to abuses of the kind we have seen over the past seven years. We do not live in isolation and can no longer afford to pretend that we have all the answers.

We the people of the United States have the right to speak our piece. We have the right and the responsibility to speak out when we find the conduct of our government unacceptable. The way we treat those who break our laws is a reflection of who we are within. When our government shames our citizens we must act to correct the situation. No one is exempt. Those who have broken the law must be shunned. They are an embarrassment to us, the people of the United States of America.

We See The World As We Are

We see the world not as it is, but as we are.

This is a fundamental truth. People see the world through their own eyes and no one else's. The experiences of their lives form the basis for the lens through which they view the world and those in it. Native Americans have a saying that aptly addressed this most basic truth: "I shall not judge a man until I have walked a mile in his moccasins." We try without success to see the world through the eyes of another. The best we can hope to accomplish is empathy.

In our relationships we may have times when we need to be able to see our partners point of view. When we disagree it is imperative that we recall that our lens through which we view the world was created in our family of origin. A family that we no longer live with on a daily basis. The way in which our caretakers interacted with one another colors our beliefs about how we behave with our partner. If our caretakers were gentle and open with one another it is likely that we will display that behavior in our relationships.

But what if our caretakers were not warm and balanced with one another? We may have had one caretaker who manipulated and cajoled their partner in order to have their way. Although we may not have been able to verbalize what we witnessed at the time, due to our youth, we incorporated the lessons we saw into our memory. Over time we may have perceived the imbalance as weakness on the part of the manipulated caretaker and become intolerant of weakness in others as a result.

If one of our caretakers was cruel or abusive toward their partner, we may have unintentionally adopted their style, as we may have seen the abused partner as a weak and ineffective adult. Adult relationships are complex. As children we do not have the mental capacity to interpret or understand the nuances we witness.

When we enter into adult relationships we may attempt to correct the imbalances we witnessed in our caretakers interactions, in our own relationship. We must come to realize that attempting to fix the imbalances we witnessed in our caretakers relationship, by duplicating them in our own relationships, is not possible nor desirable. In adopting the patterns of our caretakers we are taking on problems that we did not create and cannot solve.

Once we become aware of our patterns and how we are duplicating those of our family of origin we can begin the long journey back to a healthy relationship. Breaking free from the patterns of our family of origin is difficult work that requires we become willing to see ourselves with all of our warts. It is not work to be undertaken lightly. It requires the guidance of a counselor capable of steering us through the maze of feelings and beliefs in order to peel away the inaccuracies within.

As we begin our journey we reach out to our higher power for guidance and wisdom. This path is one that many have travelled before us. We place one foot in front of the other not knowing where the path will lead, but having faith that we are exactly where we need to be to learn the lessons we must to move forward with our lives.

We use our tools to help us cope as we walk the path of recovery into light from darkness.

Why Do You Talk To Me Like That?

Emotional abuse can be more difficult to detect and more damaging to our sense of self than physical abuse.

When we are being struck we can react to the immediacy of the threat. We are acutely aware of the risk to our safety. There is little doubt as to the violation we are experiencing. Physical violence generally occurs in relationships sporadically. There are episodes, followed by periods of calm which may extend for days, weeks or longer.

Emotional abuse is much more subtle. It generally involves denigrating comments, sarcastic or caustic remarks, or emotional absence. Since it may occur on a daily basis it is more insidious. It may involve a continuous stream of verbal degradation that erodes our self esteem like sand on a beach. Living in this environment of constant tension, the abused partner feels as though they are constantly walking on egg shells. Try as they may, the abuser finds reasons to continue the verbal onslaught.

The critical piece of the puzzle is the realization that abusers don't abuse because they are unhappy with their partner or any other part of their life, they abuse because they have lost touch with the part of themselves that recognizes and values others. This may be called self involvement, selfishness, lack of compassion, narcissism or immaturity. The truth is that the label is unimportant. The effect that the behavior has on the abused partner is traumatic.

One of the reasons that the effect is so marked is that abusers often appear emotionally available and empathetic during the courting phase of a relationship. When that phase ends and the abuse begins, partners often wish to believe that the real person, the one they loved during the courtship phase, is within. The partner may believe that the abuser will return to their former loving self when their conditions are met and demands satisfied.

This could not be further from the truth. The only way for an abuser to change their behavior is to recognize their lack of empathy for others and begin to see themselves as others do. Generally, abusers see themselves as victims and lash out in response. The efforts of their partner in telling them how their behavior affects the relationship feeds into the victim role and adds to the response of abuse.

The abused partner may eventually tire of continuously being berated and become angry or bitter. At this point stiff emotional penalties will become apparent within the relationship. The abused partner may announce a no tolerance policy and begin to avoid interactions. The abuser now faces a choice: change or lose the relationship.

Emotional abuse is one of the most difficult areas to clearly identify within relationships. There is never an acceptable reason or excuse for abuse. Each of us has a choice about how we interact with others. We may become angry or upset with those with whom we are in relationships, but we must choose not to allow ourselves to abuse or be abused. When we behave in concert with our inner values we will be at peace with ourselves and feel comfortable in our own skin. We use our tools to increase our self esteem, find our values and make quality decisions about how we want our relationships to function. In this way we give ourselves the gift of inner peace.

Am I Self Medicating?

What does it mean to self medicate? Why do we do it? How does it effect us?

We all like to feel pleasure and avoid pain. That is the natural order of being. Some forms of pain are emotional rather than physical. We may feel pain when a relationship ends or when we are hurt by a caustic remark. If our family of origin was a place of frequent pain and chaos we may have learned to ease our pain by self medicating. We may have seen our caretakers self medicate in various ways: having a couple of drinks daily after work, smoking marijuana to relax, eating too much sweets after an argument, running to OTB to place that last bet.

There are any number of ways in which we can self medicate including: abuse of alcohol, drugs, tobacco, food, gambling, pornography and sex, to name a few. Some of us engage in high risk activities as a way of self medicating. All of these methods involve releasing chemicals in the brain that effect our pleasure center.

For those of us who have self medicated with alcohol, tobacco or drugs, these chemicals increase certain neuro-transmitters giving us that high feeling. Food too can be abused. Sugar activates the same receptors as heroine, the casein in cheese activates the same receptors as opium and caffeine reacts in the body as a neuro-stimulant. Gambling, pornography, sex and high risk activities all create a rush of adrenaline which creates a high similar to and as addictive as cocaine.

When we opt to self medicate we are using our medication of choice to block out pain and increase pleasure. This may feel good in the short run, however, over time some forms of self medication take on a life of their own. When we don't choose to deal with our issues we run the risk of burying them under a landslide of denial. It may be harder to face our difficulties, but in the end we will be far better off for the work.

Avoiding the trap of feel good self medication takes a great deal of self discipline. We use our tools to practice self care in our daily lives. As we resist the urge to self medicate we increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of sobriety.

Emotional Abuse: Is There Hope?

How do we become victims of emotional abuse? What does emotional abuse look like? What can we do to repair an emotionally abusive relationship?

Emotional abuse is difficult to define. It doesn't leave bruises on the body, it doesn't break dishes or punch holes in walls. It does, however, leave the victim feeling confused, angry, degraded and wounded. Emotional abusers denigrate their partners with a sharp tongue that cuts like a knife. Words that wound leave deep emotional scars that can last a lifetime. Name calling, sarcasm, vulgarities, litanies of past offenses, screaming tirades, public humiliation, defamation, character assassination, the silent treatment, emotional blackmail and other offenses are among the tools of the abuser.

We may feel terribly afraid and unhappy. We are confused about what has happened to our relationship. We once felt that our partner was our perfect match, but now those times seem to be less and less frequent. We may be questioning our instincts. We feel that we are being treated with disrespect, but we are told that we are at fault. We may be spending a great deal of time crying or feeling despair at our inability to communicate our needs to our partner in a way in which we can be heard and understood. We tell our partner why we are upset, but they seem unwilling or unable to modify their behavior.

This scenario is all to familiar to many of us who have been emotionally abused or are being emotionally abused at the hands of our partner. We are confused by our inability to decide how to proceed, but unable to decide whether to leave the relationship. As a result of the abusers continuous denigrating behavior we are beginning to feel less and less capable. We are slowly suffering from the effects of degraded self esteem.

The cycle of abuse has a distinct pattern. Following incidents, abusers oftentimes apologise for their behavior and actions. They may promise change. The honeymoon phase that follows incidents may include times when we are showered with affection and gifts in an attempt to decrease the abusers sense of guilt and shame. We too are often filled with shame as a result of allowing ourselves to be abused. We may tell virtually no one what is happening, believing what we are told by the abuser, that we are at fault. This combination of low self esteem and shame keeps us locked into the cycle of abuse and makes deciding whether to stay or leave the relationship extremely difficult.

Initially the relationship may have been fulfilling allowing both we and the abuser to enjoy the partnership. Over time, as the incidents became increasingly frequent, both we and the abuser began to feel less and less satisfaction within the relationship. We may feel angry, resentful and hostile over the continued abuse. The abuser, on the other hand, may feel misunderstood and persecuted due to their inability to see their behavior from another point of view.

Our ability to connect the dots and see the interconnection between our enabling behavior in allowing ourselves to remain in an abusive relationship, and the degradation of our self esteem, is paramount to us being able to rebuild our self image and begin to practice self care. Emotional abuse occurs within partnerships gradually, growing worse over time if left ignored. It is imperative that we seek help to increase our understanding of our part in the situation. At the same time, if we are to repair our partnership, the abuser too must desire assistance to change the pattern that has emerged in the relationship.

If both partners are interested in repairing the relationship and willing to do the necessary work to increase their respective self esteem, there is hope for recovery. The key to having hope for improvement is the individual desire of both partners to commit to repairing the relationship. If this commitment is present, both partners may be able to deal individually with their underlying issues in a safe therapeutic environment. Once the process of recovery has begun in earnest and individual progress has been made, learning how to communicate effectively may be possible.

Emotional abuse is not to be ignored. We may not realize how great it's impact is upon us initially. Over time as we become aware of our decreased self esteem, we learn that our enabling behavior has cost us a great deal. It is never too late to learn self care. We ask for help in finding and using tools to rebuilt our shattered ego.

Are You a Victim of Domestic Violence and Abuse?

Domestic violence and abuse cross all economic, social, political and racial barriers. We cannot imagine how shamed we feel being involved with an abuser. Even telling one's family becomes impossible at first. We are aware that if our family knew the facts of our situation they would shun our partner. Until we are ready to face our situation in truth, we continue the charade. Though this is a sure sign that we are in an extremely unhealthy situation, the average sufferer of DV may try to leave the relationship seven times prior to succeeding. There is the constant fear that we will not be believed, especially if the abuser is successful and well liked.

In the early stages of the relationship the abuser may be cautious about revealing themself. The new partner may tell stories of past wounds at the hands of others. Over time the pattern begins. First there may be the explosive rage over seemingly unimportant events. These may be followed by grandiose apologies and promises never to repeat the incident. Sometimes extravagant gifts follow. The ensuing weeks may be honeymoon like. The incident may be forgotten and all is well. Gradually the tension increases. It may feel like partners are walking on egg shells around one another. Eventually another incident occurs. This one too involves explosive rage and may include breaking objects. Again the incident is followed by apologies, gifts or flowers and the honeymoon begins again. The pattern is set. Each time the abuser moves the line of acceptable behavior slightly farther than the last. Over time the abused partner accepts a level of domestic violence and abuse they would never have dreamed possible.

It is difficult to imagine how horrendous we feel, whether man or woman, while being involved with an abuser. The constant barrage of denigrating verbiage destroys our self esteem.

If you are reading this and are a victim of DV please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE or on the web at http://www.ndvh.org/. Have hope that your life can improve. You are not alone.

Are You Being Emotionally Abused? Is Your Partner Cruel?

Why are some people cruel? What happens inside to transform someone from being an average person to one who hurts others? Are cruel people aware of how they appear from the outside?

There are times when each of us has moments of cruelty. It is part of the human dynamic. But there are some folks who seem to live in that dynamic often. How do we cope if that person is our partner? What do we do to take care of ourselves in that situation? When we are involved in a relationship we see all facets our partner. Some parts of their persona may be warm, passionate, empathetic, understanding and joyful. These are the parts that lead us to love. There may be other portions of their persona that are less positive.

When we are involved with someone who is cruel important decisions lie ahead. Cruelty is emotional abuse. We have much to consider when living with an emotional abuser. Can the cruelty be stemmed? Is the cruel partner willing to change their behavior? Are we willing to set effective boundaries to protect ourselves from further harm? Are we at risk? These questions are vital if we are to practice self care.

A note: If we are at risk for physical injury we must take action to protect ourselves and others for whom we are responsible. Seeking help is imperative and must be undertaken immediately. There are 24 hour hotlines in every area dedicated to prevention of abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE or on line at http://www.ndvh.org/.

Cruelty happens when we are wounded. When an event or series of events in our past creates extreme emotional pain, it injures us in a way that creates fear and shame. We may be afraid that we will re-experience the trauma that wounded us. Our defense mechanisms work to protect us from this outcome. We may feel great shame surrounding the incident or series of incidents. Our defenses work to keep the shame a secret from ourselves and others. Keeping up the defenses we adopt due to fear and shame, robs us of the energy we could be using to enjoy our lives. Living in denial is exhausting. When we have locked ourselves out from experiencing our emotions we may escape pain, but feeling numb keeps us from experiencing the joy of being alive.

When we feel threatened we may respond with our defenses. If we feel fear we may exhibit an exaggerated response in the form of rejection and hostility. Our defenses are attempting to protect us from harm by pushing away the threat. We may appear disrespectful and demeaning to others, particularly to the person posing the threat. What happens when the threat is intimacy? When our fears surround intimacy our partner becomes the source of the threat. Their attempts to facilitate closeness and connection may trigger our fear. We may react subconsciously without even realizing that we are behaving cruelly. Our partner may feel disrespected and demeaned finding our actions confusing. We may be sending mixed messages, saying that we desire closeness and intimacy, but behaving in ways that push our partner away.

Shame may cause us to react to a perceived threat with hostility and rage. We are reminded of the secret we hide from ourselves and others. The pain of remembering is excruciating. We may react to re-experiencing the trauma of the original shaming event or series of events with an array of negative emotions. Our core is threatened and our defenses arrive to protect us from further harm. We react with cruelty. We may spew venomous sarcasm or caustic remarks. We may shut down completely refusing to engage on any level. We may collapse into tears and recriminations.

When fear surfaces we have tools available to help us respond rather than react. We can choose to allow ourselves to feel the fear. We remind ourselves that this too shall pass. Once we let ourselves experience the full impact of the emotion, we learn that feelings are not permanent.
They are like a wave crashing on a beach. The wave approaches getting larger and more threatening. It finally crashes on the sand, then dribbles away back into the ocean. Feelings also come in waves. They arrive, build, may overwhelm for a few moments (crash), then in an environment of self care they dissipate.

Shame arrives through the back door. We may not be aware when we are feeling shamed. We may only feel our defenses stirring up hostility and rage. The best method of handling shame is to openly discuss the original incident or incidents in a safe environment, such as a support group or counseling session. There we can explore our emotions and the feelings they engender. We may be having issues with anger or hostility in our relationships. These symptoms may indicate that we have unresolved shame issues. When we fail to deal with our issues in a way that encourages personal growth, our shame leaks out in the form of venomous attacks on those with whom we are closest.

The long term damage that cruelty causes cannot be underestimated. Eventually the partner subjected to these extreme forms of anger may collapse emotionally. This may lead to a variety of endings, none of which are positive. The abused partner may decide to leave the relationship, or opt for emotional withdrawal. Some partners choose to find fulfillment outside the relationship. The wounds of the past can be healed and cruel behavior patterns can end. The answer is help and self care. Learning to practice our tools can lessen the pain of the past while increasing our self esteem. As we feel better about ourselves and our behavior we are more able to practice self control and esteem building activities.

We must first face ourselves with honesty. We begin by taking responsibility for our actions. Our next step is to seek support and guidance. This is a journey that we cannot undertake alone. As we learn to take care of ourselves and recognize when we are feeling fear and shame we increase our self esteem. We use our tools to practice self care and give those we love the respect and compassion they deserve. In this way we give ourselves the gift of growth.