When our relationships hit a rough spot how do we cope? What do we do to garner support?
We reach out to those who have gone before us... counselors... friends... folks we meet in group or at meetings. We read books and articles written by those with wisdom and experience. We search our soul for realization of our part.
Relationships are like a dance... we must see our steps clearly. We must look with eyes unclouded by poor judgement and unresolved issues to see truth. It isn't easy to see our part... especially if we are hurt, sad or angry... but if we are to come through the difficult times back to a state of joy we must accept that we too have contributed to the problems we face... that our partner is not the only one to blame.
As we point our finger at our partner we realize that three fingers point right back at us. We too share in the issues... have perpetrated the hurts... have added to the pain. If we are to clear the air and begin anew we must own our part of the problem.
As we go through the toughest part of the process we know that there is light at the end of the tunnel... and it isn't an oncoming train.
Many have survived the road we are walking. They are all here with hands outstretched... reaching for us... cheering us on as we do the next right thing... as we walk the talk.
Yes, it's humbling... and jumbling too. We feel confused... angry... sad... hurt... devastated... overhwelmed... depressed... and much more. But there are so many watching us take one step at a time... praying for us... pleading with us not to give up.
They are all here along the side of the path... cheering... shouting our name in joy... waiting for us to come far enough along that we too can join on the sidelines and begin to cheer for the next one to walk this long and winding road.
They are shouting... Can you hear us? Can you see us?
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depressed. Show all posts
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Compassion, the Key to Joy
Sometimes there are posts written by those in the recovery field that are excellent and worth repeating. Here is one such post by noted author and blogger, Steven Stosny.
Anger in Marriage: Failure of Compassion and the Rise of Contempt
Most marriages end in a whimper, not a bang. The final rupture is not caused by too much anger or abuse or infidelity. Rather, most marriages die a slow, agonizing death from too little compassion.
Compassion is sympathy for the hurt or distress of another. At heart it is a simple appreciation of the basic human frailty we all share, which is why the experience of compassion makes you feel more humane and less isolated.
Compassion is necessary for the formation of emotional bonds. Think of when you were dating someone you eventually came to love. Suppose you had to call that person and report that your parents had died. If your date responded with, "Well, that's tough, call me when you get over it," would you have fallen in love with that person? Chances are, you fell in love with someone who cared about how you felt, especially when you felt bad.
Most of what you fight about now is not money or sex or in-laws or raising the kids. Those are common problems that seem insurmountable only when you're hurt. What causes the hurt, i.e., what you really fight about, is the impression that your partner doesn't care how you feel. When someone you love is not compassionate, it feels like abuse.
As compassion decreases, resentment automatically rises, making common problems insoluble. If unfettered by the better angels of our nature, resentment inevitably turns into contempt.
Contempt is disdain for the hurt of others, due to their lower moral standing, character defects, mental instability, ignorance, or general unworthiness. Contempt is powered by a low but steady dose of adrenalin. So long as the adrenalin lasts, you feel more confident and self-righteous in blaming your bad feelings on some defect of your partner. But you also feel less humane. And when the adrenalin wears off, you feel depressed.
Both compassion and contempt are extremely contagious and highly influenced by projection. If you're around a compassionate person, you're likely to become more compassionate. If you're around a contemptuous person, you're likely to become more contemptuous, unless you make a determined effort to remain true to your deepest values. If you project onto others that they're compassionate, they are likely to become more considerate. If you project contemptuous characterizations, such as, "loser, abuser, selfish, lazy, narcissistic, irrational, devious, etc.," they are likely to become more so.
By the time couples come to our boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse, they have developed entrenched habits of protecting their respective vulnerabilities by devaluing each other. They try to justify their contempt with "evidence" that the partner is selfish, lazy, narcissistic, crazy, abusive, etc. Mutual contempt makes them both feel chronically criticized and attacked, although neither really wants to attack the other. They feel like victims and rationalize their bad behavior as mere reactions to the awful behavior of the other. Their defenses so automatically justify their resentment and contempt that they cannot possibly see each other.
Neither can they see that their resentment and contempt have cut them off from their deeper values and made them into someone they are not.
Once defenses become habits, they run on automatic pilot and resist change through insight. They will likely recur in any future relationship that stirs guilt, shame, and anxiety, that is to say, any close relationship.
The only way out, whether the couple stays in the relationship or not, is to focus on compassion - not to manipulate change in the other - but to feel more humane and to reconnect with their deepest values.
The problem is that most couples are afraid to embrace compassion once they've been hurt.
How we cope with our feelings is vital. We work hard during our recovery to embrace all our emotions and learn to give our partner the space to do the same. Our recovery emboldens us to be compassionate partners as we walk our chosen path.
Anger in Marriage: Failure of Compassion and the Rise of Contempt
Most marriages end in a whimper, not a bang. The final rupture is not caused by too much anger or abuse or infidelity. Rather, most marriages die a slow, agonizing death from too little compassion.
Compassion is sympathy for the hurt or distress of another. At heart it is a simple appreciation of the basic human frailty we all share, which is why the experience of compassion makes you feel more humane and less isolated.
Compassion is necessary for the formation of emotional bonds. Think of when you were dating someone you eventually came to love. Suppose you had to call that person and report that your parents had died. If your date responded with, "Well, that's tough, call me when you get over it," would you have fallen in love with that person? Chances are, you fell in love with someone who cared about how you felt, especially when you felt bad.
Most of what you fight about now is not money or sex or in-laws or raising the kids. Those are common problems that seem insurmountable only when you're hurt. What causes the hurt, i.e., what you really fight about, is the impression that your partner doesn't care how you feel. When someone you love is not compassionate, it feels like abuse.
As compassion decreases, resentment automatically rises, making common problems insoluble. If unfettered by the better angels of our nature, resentment inevitably turns into contempt.
Contempt is disdain for the hurt of others, due to their lower moral standing, character defects, mental instability, ignorance, or general unworthiness. Contempt is powered by a low but steady dose of adrenalin. So long as the adrenalin lasts, you feel more confident and self-righteous in blaming your bad feelings on some defect of your partner. But you also feel less humane. And when the adrenalin wears off, you feel depressed.
Both compassion and contempt are extremely contagious and highly influenced by projection. If you're around a compassionate person, you're likely to become more compassionate. If you're around a contemptuous person, you're likely to become more contemptuous, unless you make a determined effort to remain true to your deepest values. If you project onto others that they're compassionate, they are likely to become more considerate. If you project contemptuous characterizations, such as, "loser, abuser, selfish, lazy, narcissistic, irrational, devious, etc.," they are likely to become more so.
By the time couples come to our boot camps for chronic resentment, anger, or emotional abuse, they have developed entrenched habits of protecting their respective vulnerabilities by devaluing each other. They try to justify their contempt with "evidence" that the partner is selfish, lazy, narcissistic, crazy, abusive, etc. Mutual contempt makes them both feel chronically criticized and attacked, although neither really wants to attack the other. They feel like victims and rationalize their bad behavior as mere reactions to the awful behavior of the other. Their defenses so automatically justify their resentment and contempt that they cannot possibly see each other.
Neither can they see that their resentment and contempt have cut them off from their deeper values and made them into someone they are not.
Once defenses become habits, they run on automatic pilot and resist change through insight. They will likely recur in any future relationship that stirs guilt, shame, and anxiety, that is to say, any close relationship.
The only way out, whether the couple stays in the relationship or not, is to focus on compassion - not to manipulate change in the other - but to feel more humane and to reconnect with their deepest values.
The problem is that most couples are afraid to embrace compassion once they've been hurt.
How we cope with our feelings is vital. We work hard during our recovery to embrace all our emotions and learn to give our partner the space to do the same. Our recovery emboldens us to be compassionate partners as we walk our chosen path.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Why is Gratefulness Necessary?
Gratefulness... what value does it have? Why is it necessary? How does it contribute to our recovery and healing?
When we work through our issues during the recovery process we come to understand why we made the choices we did. We open our eyes and see ourselves in truth. We strip away all the confusion and dithering and come to grips with what has transpired in our lives. We make no excuses for our situation and understand that we own our own power and can guide our lives along the path that has been laid before us.
We move through recovery advancing through the process one step at a time. We begin in denial and blame... afraid to acknowledge the truth of our situation. We work through those feelings until we come to a place where we can no longer define our situation in terms of wishful thinking. At this point we become angry as a result of all the pain and loss we have suffered due to our pasts and the choices we have made. As we work through our anger we come to a stage where we try to bargain our way out of the facing our feelings. When we finally are tired of trying to avoid our emotions we succumb to the truth. It is a time of extreme sadness and depression. We are overwhelmed with emotion and feel the full weight of our pain and loss. We grieve in earnest. In time we move through the pain to a place of acceptance. We understand that we cannot change what has happened and we accept that these events are a permanent part of our lives.
This process of recovery takes us through emotional upheaval. At the close of the process we are faced with the truth and our feelings as a regards our situation. There is yet one more step we must face in order to heal the wounds we suffered. We must learn to be grateful for our past and the choices we made in order to be freed from the emotional pain they carry.
This is the hardest step of all. How do we become grateful for the caretaker that abused us? How to we become grateful for the parent who incested us? How to we become grateful for the partner who abandoned us?
We become grateful through compassion. We begin to understand that we would not be who we are today without the lessons those events brought into our lives. We may not be able to be grateful for the events themselves, but we can be grateful for the growth and changes we experienced as a result of those events.
The child who grew up with an abusive caretaker becomes an especially capable parent. The adolescent who was incested becomes a counselor for those who have suffered that same crime and is more adept than others because of the empathy felt. The abandoned partner learns to be independent and develop their individuality, becoming their best self as a result.
While we are grieving we cannot even fathom ever feeling gratefulness toward the incidents that caused us such pain and loss. As we come through recovery and move toward our healthier self we learn that this last step is the one that places us on the road to emotional freedom.
When we work through our issues during the recovery process we come to understand why we made the choices we did. We open our eyes and see ourselves in truth. We strip away all the confusion and dithering and come to grips with what has transpired in our lives. We make no excuses for our situation and understand that we own our own power and can guide our lives along the path that has been laid before us.
We move through recovery advancing through the process one step at a time. We begin in denial and blame... afraid to acknowledge the truth of our situation. We work through those feelings until we come to a place where we can no longer define our situation in terms of wishful thinking. At this point we become angry as a result of all the pain and loss we have suffered due to our pasts and the choices we have made. As we work through our anger we come to a stage where we try to bargain our way out of the facing our feelings. When we finally are tired of trying to avoid our emotions we succumb to the truth. It is a time of extreme sadness and depression. We are overwhelmed with emotion and feel the full weight of our pain and loss. We grieve in earnest. In time we move through the pain to a place of acceptance. We understand that we cannot change what has happened and we accept that these events are a permanent part of our lives.
This process of recovery takes us through emotional upheaval. At the close of the process we are faced with the truth and our feelings as a regards our situation. There is yet one more step we must face in order to heal the wounds we suffered. We must learn to be grateful for our past and the choices we made in order to be freed from the emotional pain they carry.
This is the hardest step of all. How do we become grateful for the caretaker that abused us? How to we become grateful for the parent who incested us? How to we become grateful for the partner who abandoned us?
We become grateful through compassion. We begin to understand that we would not be who we are today without the lessons those events brought into our lives. We may not be able to be grateful for the events themselves, but we can be grateful for the growth and changes we experienced as a result of those events.
The child who grew up with an abusive caretaker becomes an especially capable parent. The adolescent who was incested becomes a counselor for those who have suffered that same crime and is more adept than others because of the empathy felt. The abandoned partner learns to be independent and develop their individuality, becoming their best self as a result.
While we are grieving we cannot even fathom ever feeling gratefulness toward the incidents that caused us such pain and loss. As we come through recovery and move toward our healthier self we learn that this last step is the one that places us on the road to emotional freedom.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Lying, Insecurity and Alcoholism
When faced with a situation where our partner feels insecure or unsure they lie. We have discovered that their parent(s) were alcoholics. What happens to us when we are raised in an environment where one or both of our caretakers are alcoholics? Is this an underlying reason for their habit of lying?
There is a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that is a 12 Step Program based on the principles of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that has a great deal of information about behavior patterns in adult children. This is the place to begin our journey for answers.
Lying is often related to self esteem issues. That doesn't mean that there can't be more serious problems, but generally when alcoholism is involved, so is self esteem. Very often adult children grow up in constant chaos as their alcoholic parent(s) drinks themselves into oblivion in front of them. Our partner may never have felt safe or secure in their early lives. They may have lived in a home that was always in a shambles either physically, emotionally or both.
The effect of having a parent who is an alcoholic cannot be underestimated. Very often children in alcoholic homes never learn to self soothe. They don't have parents who set appropriate limits and boundaries so they never learn what acceptable behavior looks like. They may be aware that they don't have appropriate social skills but have no clue where to find out how to behave.
There is great hope in counseling for ACOA. Many have been able to recover from the trauma of their childhoods due to alcoholic family members. It may take time and a great deal of patience by both our counselor and our partner. This type of recovery program may involve us learning to set boundaries and limits with our partner as well as our partner learning to face their fears and allow themselves to be seen for who they are without the masks. Our partner has lived without consequences for lying for most of their adult life. That will have to change.
The fact that our partner doesn't react with emotion may mean that they have learned how to stop feeling. As a result of the pain of trauma during childhood, our partner has chosen to freeze all feelings rather than face them. This is common in trauma survivors. As children they needed this defense mechanism to survive. Now as adults, it no longer serves a purpose and is actually the cause of difficulties occurring in our relationship. As they defrost and begin to feel again they can become very depressed and/or angry for a while as they process all the pain and loss they have been supressing.
That can be a very difficult time for both our partner and ourselves. Recall that our partner has some very positive qualities that we value... loyalty, humbleness, deference, good heartedness, excellent business person, handsome looking. Our partner is also intelligent and capable. These are some very positive statements. We must recall that we love our partner very much. There is a question we ask partners in couples counseling...
Are we happy with our relationship at least 50% of the time?
Remember, this isn't just about the flaws our partner has... we all have some real whoppers... our partner needs to learn judgement and appropriate behavior in a safe environment.
There is much benefit for us to be found in doing some reading on ACOA. There are some excellent materials available in bookstores, online through Amazon and at ACOA meetings. Here is the link to ACOA http://www.adultchildren.org/ . Click on "the problem" in the first paragraph to learn about the disease and what it feels like for the adult child. Here is a link for some recovery books. http://www.cyberus.ca/~rocksoft/teddysrule/readings/re_bibli.html
There is a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that is a 12 Step Program based on the principles of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that has a great deal of information about behavior patterns in adult children. This is the place to begin our journey for answers.
Lying is often related to self esteem issues. That doesn't mean that there can't be more serious problems, but generally when alcoholism is involved, so is self esteem. Very often adult children grow up in constant chaos as their alcoholic parent(s) drinks themselves into oblivion in front of them. Our partner may never have felt safe or secure in their early lives. They may have lived in a home that was always in a shambles either physically, emotionally or both.
The effect of having a parent who is an alcoholic cannot be underestimated. Very often children in alcoholic homes never learn to self soothe. They don't have parents who set appropriate limits and boundaries so they never learn what acceptable behavior looks like. They may be aware that they don't have appropriate social skills but have no clue where to find out how to behave.
There is great hope in counseling for ACOA. Many have been able to recover from the trauma of their childhoods due to alcoholic family members. It may take time and a great deal of patience by both our counselor and our partner. This type of recovery program may involve us learning to set boundaries and limits with our partner as well as our partner learning to face their fears and allow themselves to be seen for who they are without the masks. Our partner has lived without consequences for lying for most of their adult life. That will have to change.
The fact that our partner doesn't react with emotion may mean that they have learned how to stop feeling. As a result of the pain of trauma during childhood, our partner has chosen to freeze all feelings rather than face them. This is common in trauma survivors. As children they needed this defense mechanism to survive. Now as adults, it no longer serves a purpose and is actually the cause of difficulties occurring in our relationship. As they defrost and begin to feel again they can become very depressed and/or angry for a while as they process all the pain and loss they have been supressing.
That can be a very difficult time for both our partner and ourselves. Recall that our partner has some very positive qualities that we value... loyalty, humbleness, deference, good heartedness, excellent business person, handsome looking. Our partner is also intelligent and capable. These are some very positive statements. We must recall that we love our partner very much. There is a question we ask partners in couples counseling...
Are we happy with our relationship at least 50% of the time?
Remember, this isn't just about the flaws our partner has... we all have some real whoppers... our partner needs to learn judgement and appropriate behavior in a safe environment.
There is much benefit for us to be found in doing some reading on ACOA. There are some excellent materials available in bookstores, online through Amazon and at ACOA meetings. Here is the link to ACOA http://www.adultchildren.org/ . Click on "the problem" in the first paragraph to learn about the disease and what it feels like for the adult child. Here is a link for some recovery books. http://www.cyberus.ca/~rocksoft/teddysrule/readings/re_bibli.html
Friday, June 19, 2009
I Cheated... I'm Sorry... Is That Enough?
These are a selection of comments made to a self admitted cheater who got caught and is now trying to save his relationship. [Details omitted to protect the privacy of those involved.] We can all benefit from reviewing the cost of hurting our partner in this way. Many of us have had difficulties in our relationships. This is clearly not the way to solve problems. Cheating is not a solution, but an additional problem. The overall question is, what does one do to rebuild once the bombshell has dropped? Here are some observations.
"You are clearly intelligent, well spoken and capable of communication. Thus far what I have seen, reflects a man who may be in mid-life crisis. It is not uncommon for folks to face this at about your age. Have you considered this?"
"Due to your intellect you have been able, thus far, to rationalize your actions. This is not a plus. Staying in your head keeps you out of touch with yourself and doesn't allow you to feel the enormity of the situation. Intellectualizing is a defense mechanism. Are you using it?"
"We all have stress in our lives that may at times cause us to feel depressed. How we respond to that stress indicates who we are when no one is looking. Many men at mid life, reacting to the inevitability of aging, begin affairs in order to affirm their virility. Is that what you are doing?"
"You have gone to great lengths to discuss the fact that you are now having open and honest communication with your wife. Please think about the virtue of honesty vs the abuse of that virtue in looking for her to absolve you of your failure to keep your commitment. It seems that you are looking to your wife to cleanse you of your defective behavior. If that is the case, please know that it is not her responsibility to forgive you so that you can feel better. If she chooses forgiveness it is solely for her benefit. Is that what you are doing?"
"You must find your own path to forgiveness with your higher power for your actions. This is difficult and painful as it requires you to accept that you have placed yourself before others in every aspect of your life. You currently believe that you have taken nothing from your family in pursuing this intentional course of action. Please do not deceive yourself in this way. Do you think you are doing that?"
"You will need to accept the fact that you have behaved dysfunctionally and that as a result of your actions you have caused great harm to both your wife and your children. Please don't think they are unaware of what has happened. They may not know details, but they surely know that a bombshell has dropped. You and your wife are seeing a counselor. That is a necessary first step. What about your children? They need counseling as well. Have you taken care of that?"
"You have written that you still have the urge to visit the old ways. This indicates some level of addiction. You will need to address these addictive behaviors directly within an appropriate setting. Are you doing that?"
"There are many unanswered questions. Please take the time to think about them. They are vital to your mental health. Are you willing to do that?"
We work hard to recover from relationship trauma. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We seek a path which we walk one step at a time, sometimes not knowing where we are headed. We reach out to our higher power in faith that we will be better persons for the effort. We humble ourselves in admitting our faults and seeing ourselves as we are. This road that we walk is worth every bit of effort. If we ever doubt the truth of our recovery we can read this post and recall that "there but for the grace of God, go I".
"You are clearly intelligent, well spoken and capable of communication. Thus far what I have seen, reflects a man who may be in mid-life crisis. It is not uncommon for folks to face this at about your age. Have you considered this?"
"Due to your intellect you have been able, thus far, to rationalize your actions. This is not a plus. Staying in your head keeps you out of touch with yourself and doesn't allow you to feel the enormity of the situation. Intellectualizing is a defense mechanism. Are you using it?"
"We all have stress in our lives that may at times cause us to feel depressed. How we respond to that stress indicates who we are when no one is looking. Many men at mid life, reacting to the inevitability of aging, begin affairs in order to affirm their virility. Is that what you are doing?"
"You have gone to great lengths to discuss the fact that you are now having open and honest communication with your wife. Please think about the virtue of honesty vs the abuse of that virtue in looking for her to absolve you of your failure to keep your commitment. It seems that you are looking to your wife to cleanse you of your defective behavior. If that is the case, please know that it is not her responsibility to forgive you so that you can feel better. If she chooses forgiveness it is solely for her benefit. Is that what you are doing?"
"You must find your own path to forgiveness with your higher power for your actions. This is difficult and painful as it requires you to accept that you have placed yourself before others in every aspect of your life. You currently believe that you have taken nothing from your family in pursuing this intentional course of action. Please do not deceive yourself in this way. Do you think you are doing that?"
"You will need to accept the fact that you have behaved dysfunctionally and that as a result of your actions you have caused great harm to both your wife and your children. Please don't think they are unaware of what has happened. They may not know details, but they surely know that a bombshell has dropped. You and your wife are seeing a counselor. That is a necessary first step. What about your children? They need counseling as well. Have you taken care of that?"
"You have written that you still have the urge to visit the old ways. This indicates some level of addiction. You will need to address these addictive behaviors directly within an appropriate setting. Are you doing that?"
"There are many unanswered questions. Please take the time to think about them. They are vital to your mental health. Are you willing to do that?"
We work hard to recover from relationship trauma. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We seek a path which we walk one step at a time, sometimes not knowing where we are headed. We reach out to our higher power in faith that we will be better persons for the effort. We humble ourselves in admitting our faults and seeing ourselves as we are. This road that we walk is worth every bit of effort. If we ever doubt the truth of our recovery we can read this post and recall that "there but for the grace of God, go I".
Monday, June 8, 2009
Using Your Struggle Muscle!!
Has life gotten too easy? Is our routine causing us to become bored? Are we creating drama in our lives to fill up the empty space? What can we do to overcome our addiction to drama?
Many of us grew up in families of origin that were filled with the drama of chaos in every day life. We may have had caretakers who could barely manage their own lives... siblings who created intense drama around themselves... a family member who was disabled... neighbors who created chaos and drama within their home and out into the street involving others. Not to mention an addict or alcoholic in the family. Some of us have been caught in the inter-generational caretaking trap... caring for both children and parents simultaneously. This can leave us exhausted, drained and without time to live lives of our own.
Any or all of these situations creates an imbalance in our internal rheostat. We become drama addicts. Over time our bodies become accustomed to the shots of adrenaline we receive from our flight/fright/freeze response which reacts instinctively when we are stimulated in chaos. As we grow up in a constant state of arousal, due to the chaos in our families of origin, we become adrenaline addicts. When nothing is happening we feel sluggish, down, somewhat depressed, tired, bored, and generally disinterested until... BAM ...we get a shot of adrenaline when our friend calls and tells us that she and her husband are having a fight again. Drama!! We are wide awake, alert, up, focused, energized and ready to interact. It's so much better than coffee!!
What happens when we walk the path to recovery and our challenges begin to dissipate? Some of us suddenly find that our lives have become boring, empty, without meaning, tiresome. We miss our daily doses of adrenaline. We feel useless. Our bodies literally feel different. The chemical addiction lessens over time, but our mental addiction must be addressed as well.
We may react by creating drama in our daily lives to fill the empty space. We don't have to go down that road. We can, instead, pursue hobbies and interests that we previously didn't have time to learn. We can paint, draw, attend theater, musical concerts, visit museums, learn a new language, try our hand at crafts, run a garage sale, refinish a special piece of furniture, read, exercise, volunteer or join a club.
When our time is absorbed caretaking others we may neglect our own lives for extended periods of time. This may leave us with a big empty space where caretaking and drama used to live. As we walk the path of recovery it is imperative that we take up new challenges to fill the void left by the old habits we no longer wish to pursue. Nature abhors a vacuum. If we do not fill the space by choice we run the risk of our hold habits returning and taking hold once again.
We practice our tools in our daily lives giving ourselves much needed self care. We make efforts not to isolate, to socialize with others both in and out of recovery. As we continue to remain vigilant in our pursuit of recovery we increase our self esteem. In this way we rebuild our life.
Many of us grew up in families of origin that were filled with the drama of chaos in every day life. We may have had caretakers who could barely manage their own lives... siblings who created intense drama around themselves... a family member who was disabled... neighbors who created chaos and drama within their home and out into the street involving others. Not to mention an addict or alcoholic in the family. Some of us have been caught in the inter-generational caretaking trap... caring for both children and parents simultaneously. This can leave us exhausted, drained and without time to live lives of our own.
Any or all of these situations creates an imbalance in our internal rheostat. We become drama addicts. Over time our bodies become accustomed to the shots of adrenaline we receive from our flight/fright/freeze response which reacts instinctively when we are stimulated in chaos. As we grow up in a constant state of arousal, due to the chaos in our families of origin, we become adrenaline addicts. When nothing is happening we feel sluggish, down, somewhat depressed, tired, bored, and generally disinterested until... BAM ...we get a shot of adrenaline when our friend calls and tells us that she and her husband are having a fight again. Drama!! We are wide awake, alert, up, focused, energized and ready to interact. It's so much better than coffee!!
What happens when we walk the path to recovery and our challenges begin to dissipate? Some of us suddenly find that our lives have become boring, empty, without meaning, tiresome. We miss our daily doses of adrenaline. We feel useless. Our bodies literally feel different. The chemical addiction lessens over time, but our mental addiction must be addressed as well.
We may react by creating drama in our daily lives to fill the empty space. We don't have to go down that road. We can, instead, pursue hobbies and interests that we previously didn't have time to learn. We can paint, draw, attend theater, musical concerts, visit museums, learn a new language, try our hand at crafts, run a garage sale, refinish a special piece of furniture, read, exercise, volunteer or join a club.
When our time is absorbed caretaking others we may neglect our own lives for extended periods of time. This may leave us with a big empty space where caretaking and drama used to live. As we walk the path of recovery it is imperative that we take up new challenges to fill the void left by the old habits we no longer wish to pursue. Nature abhors a vacuum. If we do not fill the space by choice we run the risk of our hold habits returning and taking hold once again.
We practice our tools in our daily lives giving ourselves much needed self care. We make efforts not to isolate, to socialize with others both in and out of recovery. As we continue to remain vigilant in our pursuit of recovery we increase our self esteem. In this way we rebuild our life.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Feeling Greedy?
It's always a difficult time when someone we love passes away. We feel pain inside where there used to be wholeness. We hope that in time the pain of grieving will pass and we will feel whole once again. What happens to us when greed takes over our family after a tragedy? How do we cope with the ensuing drama and chaos that threatens to stall us in our grieving process?
We may experience losing a loved one as a crisis. The pain of loss, comfort, support and safety is too great to bear. This may lead to acting out grief through greed. Often times when a loved one passes away there may be infighting among family members trying to grab a share of the pie. This type of activity can stall the grieving process. The daily drama directs energy away from allowing feelings to progress naturally through the stages of grief. We may end up stuck in one of the five stages, denial, anger, bargaining or depression. Our goal is to attain the fifth stage, acceptance, but our journey may be frought with difficulties when bickering takes the place of solace and empathy.
If we are not permitted the chance to feel and process our pain and loss we may become unable to move forward with our lives. We may shut down our feelings and become numb. We may opt for self medication, abusing alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or food. We may make hasty decisions that do not reflect our usual ability to respond rather than react. Our inability to process our grief may affect every area of our lives from our health to our relationships.
We may behave in abrasive and insensitive ways when we are filled with pain and sadness. We may become absorbed in our loss and attempt to grab more than our share of the estate of our loved one in an attempt to fill the gaping wound we feel inside. We must come to realize that no amount of things or funds will replace the person we have lost. The pain will not be mitigated by filling our lives with trinkets. The loss is real and we must come to terms with it. This will only happen as we permit ourselves to move through all the stages of grief.
Creating a diversion of drama over assets may take our mind off our loss for a time, but eventually we will be faced with the enormity of the fact that our loved one has passed on. If we delay our process we will only increase the amount of time it takes us to become whole once again.
Our most healthy choice is to reach out for support from those who love us and are willing to stand by us during our time of trial. We can attend support groups at local area hospitals, called bereavement groups. They are designed to help us get through our loss by encouraging the expression of feelings that come to us during the processing of grief. We are supported by others who have also lost loved ones and are traveling the same road.
Our lives may become quite tumultuous following the death of a family member. We must take time out for self care. Especially if we are responsible for the care of remaining family, it is imperative that we make the committment to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care on a daily basis, reach out for support to our network and higher power, and allow ourselves time to process our own feelings. If we need to attend a bereavement group, it is a gift we give ourselves. We do whatever we can to soothe those around us, giving ourselves the same soothing in the process. Life will return to balance in time. We must learn the art of acceptance.
A wise woman once said: "The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it."
We may experience losing a loved one as a crisis. The pain of loss, comfort, support and safety is too great to bear. This may lead to acting out grief through greed. Often times when a loved one passes away there may be infighting among family members trying to grab a share of the pie. This type of activity can stall the grieving process. The daily drama directs energy away from allowing feelings to progress naturally through the stages of grief. We may end up stuck in one of the five stages, denial, anger, bargaining or depression. Our goal is to attain the fifth stage, acceptance, but our journey may be frought with difficulties when bickering takes the place of solace and empathy.
If we are not permitted the chance to feel and process our pain and loss we may become unable to move forward with our lives. We may shut down our feelings and become numb. We may opt for self medication, abusing alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or food. We may make hasty decisions that do not reflect our usual ability to respond rather than react. Our inability to process our grief may affect every area of our lives from our health to our relationships.
We may behave in abrasive and insensitive ways when we are filled with pain and sadness. We may become absorbed in our loss and attempt to grab more than our share of the estate of our loved one in an attempt to fill the gaping wound we feel inside. We must come to realize that no amount of things or funds will replace the person we have lost. The pain will not be mitigated by filling our lives with trinkets. The loss is real and we must come to terms with it. This will only happen as we permit ourselves to move through all the stages of grief.
Creating a diversion of drama over assets may take our mind off our loss for a time, but eventually we will be faced with the enormity of the fact that our loved one has passed on. If we delay our process we will only increase the amount of time it takes us to become whole once again.
Our most healthy choice is to reach out for support from those who love us and are willing to stand by us during our time of trial. We can attend support groups at local area hospitals, called bereavement groups. They are designed to help us get through our loss by encouraging the expression of feelings that come to us during the processing of grief. We are supported by others who have also lost loved ones and are traveling the same road.
Our lives may become quite tumultuous following the death of a family member. We must take time out for self care. Especially if we are responsible for the care of remaining family, it is imperative that we make the committment to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care on a daily basis, reach out for support to our network and higher power, and allow ourselves time to process our own feelings. If we need to attend a bereavement group, it is a gift we give ourselves. We do whatever we can to soothe those around us, giving ourselves the same soothing in the process. Life will return to balance in time. We must learn the art of acceptance.
A wise woman once said: "The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it."
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Processing Grief
Working through grief is one of the most difficult challenges we face in our lives. When we lose someone we love, whether through death, divorce or simply a relationship that ends, we can feel a great deal of pain and anguish. It may be helpful during grieving to be aware that there is a range of reactions, and that all may be part of the process.
Initially there is a reaction of shock at the severity of the loss. We may embrace denial in the form of, "Why is this happening to me?". Our feelings may be numb or we may not yet fully comprehend the loss itself. Wishing to return to life before the loss is a common response as well. The overwhelming pain has not been fully processed at this stage. Denial is our defense mechanism protecting our psyche from the full brunt of the loss.
Eventually we can no longer deny what has happened. At this point we may begin to feel angry. We may be angry at the person we have lost, angry with our higher power, angry with other loved ones in our lives for their perceived part in the loss. We may remain angry for an extended period of time as we grapple with the seriousness of what has transpired. Anger too is a defense against the overwhelming feelings of loss.
After a time of extended anger we may move into bargaining. We are trying to mitigate the loss. This is a time of rationalizing and trading. If we have lost someone we love we may attempt reconciliation even if it is against our best interest to do so. If someone has passed away we may attempt in vain to bargain with our higher power for their return.
When we have passed the stage of needing our defense mechanisms and are finally faced with the full brunt of our loss we face depression. We may feel incredibly sad, hopeless, numb, filled with despair or even suicidal at times. We are overwhelmed with grief and the loss of both the person, and the dreams and hopes we held onto in the relationship. This is an extremely painful and vulnerable time. We may need help at this juncture to cope with the extent of the loss. It is important that we allow ourselves to grieve and give ourselves time to heal our wounds.
Finally we come to acceptance. We cannot change what has happened. We take the best memories we have and continue with our lives. If we have lost someone we love due to divorce or the ending of a relationship this may be the time we come to terms with the facts. We let go of blame and retribution and begin the process of healing in earnest. If someone has passed away we enjoy the memories we have of the wonderful times we shared while they were on this earth. In this way we keep their memory alive in our hearts and keep them close to us in thought.
The transition from relationship to loss can be overwhelming and painful. We do not have to make the journey alone. There are support groups available at most major hospitals and religious institutions. There is support in counseling and online. Trying to handle grief alone may be overwhelming and lead to isolation and long term depression.
It is common to feel like we may not survive serious loss, but we will begin to feel better. We may find we have mostly sad days initially, but over time we will begin to have better days until finally we have settled into our lives again. With the help of our family, friends, support system and our higher power we will triumph over loss and once again feel a part of life.
Initially there is a reaction of shock at the severity of the loss. We may embrace denial in the form of, "Why is this happening to me?". Our feelings may be numb or we may not yet fully comprehend the loss itself. Wishing to return to life before the loss is a common response as well. The overwhelming pain has not been fully processed at this stage. Denial is our defense mechanism protecting our psyche from the full brunt of the loss.
Eventually we can no longer deny what has happened. At this point we may begin to feel angry. We may be angry at the person we have lost, angry with our higher power, angry with other loved ones in our lives for their perceived part in the loss. We may remain angry for an extended period of time as we grapple with the seriousness of what has transpired. Anger too is a defense against the overwhelming feelings of loss.
After a time of extended anger we may move into bargaining. We are trying to mitigate the loss. This is a time of rationalizing and trading. If we have lost someone we love we may attempt reconciliation even if it is against our best interest to do so. If someone has passed away we may attempt in vain to bargain with our higher power for their return.
When we have passed the stage of needing our defense mechanisms and are finally faced with the full brunt of our loss we face depression. We may feel incredibly sad, hopeless, numb, filled with despair or even suicidal at times. We are overwhelmed with grief and the loss of both the person, and the dreams and hopes we held onto in the relationship. This is an extremely painful and vulnerable time. We may need help at this juncture to cope with the extent of the loss. It is important that we allow ourselves to grieve and give ourselves time to heal our wounds.
Finally we come to acceptance. We cannot change what has happened. We take the best memories we have and continue with our lives. If we have lost someone we love due to divorce or the ending of a relationship this may be the time we come to terms with the facts. We let go of blame and retribution and begin the process of healing in earnest. If someone has passed away we enjoy the memories we have of the wonderful times we shared while they were on this earth. In this way we keep their memory alive in our hearts and keep them close to us in thought.
The transition from relationship to loss can be overwhelming and painful. We do not have to make the journey alone. There are support groups available at most major hospitals and religious institutions. There is support in counseling and online. Trying to handle grief alone may be overwhelming and lead to isolation and long term depression.
It is common to feel like we may not survive serious loss, but we will begin to feel better. We may find we have mostly sad days initially, but over time we will begin to have better days until finally we have settled into our lives again. With the help of our family, friends, support system and our higher power we will triumph over loss and once again feel a part of life.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Nightmares, Flashbacks, Anxiety, Rage… Is This You?
Every so often we have the priviledge to have a guest on the blog. Tonight is one of those special times. I would like to thank Michele Rosenthal for her efforts, research and expertise in this most important area of PTSD. And now, dear followers, here's Michele...
Are you haunted by memories? Do you have nightmares, flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about a traumatic experience? Have you tried to let go but can’t seem to escape anxiety and stress? Do constantly feel you are in danger? Have you shut down emotionally and feel numb? Do you feel detached from yourself, the people around you and the present moment? Do you have trouble connecting emotionally with friends, family, colleagues or lovers? Does it seem impossible to concentrate? Are you unable to surface from depression? Do you get angry and rage at the slightest provocation?
If you answered yes to the majority of these questions you might be struggling with symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You’re not alone. What you may be experiencing is common among millions of people. Recent studies estimate that 70% of all adults in the United States may experience a traumatic event in their lifetime. Of those, up to one in five may develop PTSD. Estimates propose that at any given time 5% of the population may be struggling with PTSD – that’s over 15 million people. That number grows every day and doesn’t include the number of cases remaining undiagnosed.
The good news is, if you’ve recognized yourself you can be on the road to healing.
Medicine.net describes PTSD as,“…an emotional illness that develops as a result of a terribly frightening, life-threatening, or otherwise highly unsafe experience. PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way, tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event ... and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences.”
PTSD surfaces throughout civilian and military history as an extreme emotional reaction to either being involved in or witnessing overwhelming circumstances. In addition to war, the causes of PTSD include natural disasters, domestic violence, rape, physical assault, child abuse, terrorism, random acts of violence and major catastrophic events such as plane crashes, car accidents and industrial calamities.
That’s a long list. We survive all kinds of calamities and can be left with the task of recovering from survival. Trauma changes us. We need to be able to adapt and carry on. It’s tough to do this when the past may have us in it’s tight grasp. We can use our conscious brain, to decide to be done with what happened, but it’s not always possible. Trauma can be hard wired into our sub-conscious mind which determines to protect us from harm. The fact that the danger no longer exists is immaterial, the subconscious continues to function as if it does. This may cause us to live in the shadow of fear and uncertainty, unable to move forward with our lives.
In addition to one on one talk therapy there are other treatments that may lessen the effect of trauma. Some examples, as recommended by the American Psychiatric Association, http://www.healthyminds.org/multimedia/ptsd.pdf , include: Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Exposure Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Family Therapy, and Peer Discussion Group Therapy.
If you believe you or someone you love may be suffering from PTSD you may wish to take the PTSD self test available on line through the Anxiety Disorder Association of America. http://www.adaa.org/GettingHelp/SelfHelpTests/selftest_PTSD.asp . For more information on PTSD contact the National Mental Health Association on line at http://www.nmha.org/.
Healing PTSD begins with our decision to conquer the past and create the future. Regardless of how we feel, the choice to heal is always ours. Commit today!!
Michele Rosenthal
parasitesof.themind@yahoo.com
http://parasitesofthemind.blogspot.com -
A blog about PTSD awareness, education, treatment & self-empowered healing.
Are you haunted by memories? Do you have nightmares, flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about a traumatic experience? Have you tried to let go but can’t seem to escape anxiety and stress? Do constantly feel you are in danger? Have you shut down emotionally and feel numb? Do you feel detached from yourself, the people around you and the present moment? Do you have trouble connecting emotionally with friends, family, colleagues or lovers? Does it seem impossible to concentrate? Are you unable to surface from depression? Do you get angry and rage at the slightest provocation?
If you answered yes to the majority of these questions you might be struggling with symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You’re not alone. What you may be experiencing is common among millions of people. Recent studies estimate that 70% of all adults in the United States may experience a traumatic event in their lifetime. Of those, up to one in five may develop PTSD. Estimates propose that at any given time 5% of the population may be struggling with PTSD – that’s over 15 million people. That number grows every day and doesn’t include the number of cases remaining undiagnosed.
The good news is, if you’ve recognized yourself you can be on the road to healing.
Medicine.net describes PTSD as,“…an emotional illness that develops as a result of a terribly frightening, life-threatening, or otherwise highly unsafe experience. PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way, tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event ... and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences.”
PTSD surfaces throughout civilian and military history as an extreme emotional reaction to either being involved in or witnessing overwhelming circumstances. In addition to war, the causes of PTSD include natural disasters, domestic violence, rape, physical assault, child abuse, terrorism, random acts of violence and major catastrophic events such as plane crashes, car accidents and industrial calamities.
That’s a long list. We survive all kinds of calamities and can be left with the task of recovering from survival. Trauma changes us. We need to be able to adapt and carry on. It’s tough to do this when the past may have us in it’s tight grasp. We can use our conscious brain, to decide to be done with what happened, but it’s not always possible. Trauma can be hard wired into our sub-conscious mind which determines to protect us from harm. The fact that the danger no longer exists is immaterial, the subconscious continues to function as if it does. This may cause us to live in the shadow of fear and uncertainty, unable to move forward with our lives.
In addition to one on one talk therapy there are other treatments that may lessen the effect of trauma. Some examples, as recommended by the American Psychiatric Association, http://www.healthyminds.org/multimedia/ptsd.pdf , include: Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Exposure Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Family Therapy, and Peer Discussion Group Therapy.
If you believe you or someone you love may be suffering from PTSD you may wish to take the PTSD self test available on line through the Anxiety Disorder Association of America. http://www.adaa.org/GettingHelp/SelfHelpTests/selftest_PTSD.asp . For more information on PTSD contact the National Mental Health Association on line at http://www.nmha.org/.
Healing PTSD begins with our decision to conquer the past and create the future. Regardless of how we feel, the choice to heal is always ours. Commit today!!
Michele Rosenthal
parasitesof.themind@yahoo.com
http://parasitesofthemind.blogspot.com -
A blog about PTSD awareness, education, treatment & self-empowered healing.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Ending of Relationships - Grief
What happens when a relationship ends badly? How do we survive the relentless emotional ups and downs, the pain, the overwhelming feelings? What do we do to take care of ourselves during this time of crisis?
One of the most difficult times in any life involves the ending of a relationship. Whether it is voluntary or not, the pain and emotional turmoil that follows can be life wrenching. At times we may feel that we are being buried under a mountain of feelings that we cannot process. We have many bad days and few, if any, good days.
The grief process is a difficult one, but a necessary step in healing our wounds. We may begin the first leg in our journey without even realizing it. We are told by our partner that they are leaving the relationship. We may feel shock, disbelief, anger, shame, sadness and pain all at the same time. This emotional overload cues our defense mechanisms to help us survive the trauma. We cut ourselves off from experiencing the enormity of our problem with denial. We may see what is happening, but we fail to grasp the complexity of our emotional response. We may initially feel nothing at all. We may be numb.
In the early part of the process we may feel okay with the changes that are occurring in our lives. We have not actually allowed the full impact of our situation into our conscious minds. Over time, as our new life unfolds before us we begin to realize all that has changed. We may begin to feel angry at the losses we are experiencing. The life we had led with our partner is no longer our reality and we are beginning to feel pain. We respond by protecting ourselves. We may allocate blame along with associated anger, resentment, rage and bitterness toward our former partner, and even toward our higher power. We may react with hostility whenever interactions occur. Our world has changed, and we are unhappy with the pain and anguish which are being forced upon us.
After we have displayed much anger and hostility, we may feel that a bargain is possible. Although we are unaware of it, our efforts are unlikely to bear fruit. Try as we may, the situation remains. We have attempted every conceivable tack in order to change the course of events and have been unable to do so.
We now feel the full brunt of our pain. It is overwhelmingly sad and we may be unable to do anything about it. This is the time when we may feel depressed. Our past life is over and we are powerless to change it. Our self esteem may be crushed. Our inner self has been rejected. The combined pain of loss and rejection is overwhelming.
As traumatic and frightening as this place may be, we are actually at the beginning of our recovery. We have begun the process of integrating what has happened into our conscious minds. We have started to accept that we cannot change what has passed. We are on the bumpy road of acceptance. The place of peace. Once we have processed all the pain, loss, shame and rejection and incorporated it into our being as an accepted part of who we now are, we can move on to a place of peace in our lives. This is not an easy task.
This may not be a one way journey. We can move back and forth between denial, anger, bargaining and depression until we finally reach a place of acceptance. We can help ourselves by using our tools. Reaching out for support, whether professional or otherwise, is imperative for self care. If we have others who rely on us in their daily lives, we have an obligation to them to care for ourselves in this time of crisis. Journaling provides an excellent outlet during times of extreme stress. We have the ability to vent in a safe environment. We can also look back over our past journal entries as time proceeds and view our progress. This is of great importance so that we can be aware of how far we have come on our recovery journey. Something that may elude us without written evidence. Activity will benefit us as well. The neurotransmitters that our brain needs to feel happiness are produced in much greater quantities when we work up a sweat. Finding and maintaining hobbies that we enjoy is another tool that we can access. The joy we feel in accomplishing a task which gives us pleasure is a great asset. Spending time with members of our family of origin, if possible, may also be a place of acceptance and support. One of our most important tools is meditation and/or prayer. We can reach out to our higher power for support and guidance. We are on a path that has been chosen for us.
We have many tools at our disposal for self care. Each time we make the effort to use our tools we increase our self esteem. As we raise our self esteem we find it easier to use our tools. Although we may find the first few steps in this process daunting, if we make the effort we will reap the reward. We must try to have faith that we are exactly where our higher power wants us, although we cannot yet see why. Our path is like a painting. We cannot see the whole picture until we step back and view it from a distance. We are learning the lessons we need to better our lives. Through this process of self care we give ourselves the gift of hope.
One of the most difficult times in any life involves the ending of a relationship. Whether it is voluntary or not, the pain and emotional turmoil that follows can be life wrenching. At times we may feel that we are being buried under a mountain of feelings that we cannot process. We have many bad days and few, if any, good days.
The grief process is a difficult one, but a necessary step in healing our wounds. We may begin the first leg in our journey without even realizing it. We are told by our partner that they are leaving the relationship. We may feel shock, disbelief, anger, shame, sadness and pain all at the same time. This emotional overload cues our defense mechanisms to help us survive the trauma. We cut ourselves off from experiencing the enormity of our problem with denial. We may see what is happening, but we fail to grasp the complexity of our emotional response. We may initially feel nothing at all. We may be numb.
In the early part of the process we may feel okay with the changes that are occurring in our lives. We have not actually allowed the full impact of our situation into our conscious minds. Over time, as our new life unfolds before us we begin to realize all that has changed. We may begin to feel angry at the losses we are experiencing. The life we had led with our partner is no longer our reality and we are beginning to feel pain. We respond by protecting ourselves. We may allocate blame along with associated anger, resentment, rage and bitterness toward our former partner, and even toward our higher power. We may react with hostility whenever interactions occur. Our world has changed, and we are unhappy with the pain and anguish which are being forced upon us.
After we have displayed much anger and hostility, we may feel that a bargain is possible. Although we are unaware of it, our efforts are unlikely to bear fruit. Try as we may, the situation remains. We have attempted every conceivable tack in order to change the course of events and have been unable to do so.
We now feel the full brunt of our pain. It is overwhelmingly sad and we may be unable to do anything about it. This is the time when we may feel depressed. Our past life is over and we are powerless to change it. Our self esteem may be crushed. Our inner self has been rejected. The combined pain of loss and rejection is overwhelming.
As traumatic and frightening as this place may be, we are actually at the beginning of our recovery. We have begun the process of integrating what has happened into our conscious minds. We have started to accept that we cannot change what has passed. We are on the bumpy road of acceptance. The place of peace. Once we have processed all the pain, loss, shame and rejection and incorporated it into our being as an accepted part of who we now are, we can move on to a place of peace in our lives. This is not an easy task.
This may not be a one way journey. We can move back and forth between denial, anger, bargaining and depression until we finally reach a place of acceptance. We can help ourselves by using our tools. Reaching out for support, whether professional or otherwise, is imperative for self care. If we have others who rely on us in their daily lives, we have an obligation to them to care for ourselves in this time of crisis. Journaling provides an excellent outlet during times of extreme stress. We have the ability to vent in a safe environment. We can also look back over our past journal entries as time proceeds and view our progress. This is of great importance so that we can be aware of how far we have come on our recovery journey. Something that may elude us without written evidence. Activity will benefit us as well. The neurotransmitters that our brain needs to feel happiness are produced in much greater quantities when we work up a sweat. Finding and maintaining hobbies that we enjoy is another tool that we can access. The joy we feel in accomplishing a task which gives us pleasure is a great asset. Spending time with members of our family of origin, if possible, may also be a place of acceptance and support. One of our most important tools is meditation and/or prayer. We can reach out to our higher power for support and guidance. We are on a path that has been chosen for us.
We have many tools at our disposal for self care. Each time we make the effort to use our tools we increase our self esteem. As we raise our self esteem we find it easier to use our tools. Although we may find the first few steps in this process daunting, if we make the effort we will reap the reward. We must try to have faith that we are exactly where our higher power wants us, although we cannot yet see why. Our path is like a painting. We cannot see the whole picture until we step back and view it from a distance. We are learning the lessons we need to better our lives. Through this process of self care we give ourselves the gift of hope.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The Process
We begin our journey into recovery by undergoing a process. That process takes us through stages of growth and change. As we move through the various parts we undergo a tremendous paradigm shift. We begin by seeing ourselves through our own myopic view. As we move along our path we come to see ourselves through the eyes of others. It is truly an illuminating experience. One only tackled by the bravest among us.
As we begin our expedition we may see an initial glimpse of how we are perceived by others. Our initial reaction may be one of denial. We may have a great deal of trouble accepting what we have experienced. There may be much shame and fear involved. Our defense mechanisms kick in to protect us from pain.
Over time as we repeatedly see these glimpses of ourselves and our behavior our defense mechanisms may falter and we may not be able to remain in denial at all times. This may produce pain. Our reaction may be to become angry. We may be infuriated at the thought that the world is not as we have perceived it. We may feel duped and shamed by our inability to discern accurately. We may be fearful of further disclosure. Anger protects us from feeling the full impact of our new knowledge.
As our anger subsides we may begin to bargain, with ourselves and others. Our defenses are again protecting us from the full brunt of incorporating our new knowledge. We may rationalize our behaviors, or the behavior of others as acceptable due to extenuating circumstances.
Eventually bargaining no longer protects us from the full impact of how we are perceived by others. We see ourselves for the first time with all our dysfunction. It is a painful moment. We may feel depressed as we process this information. But it is an important moment. We are at the true beginning of our recovery process. It is from this desolate place that we can rebuild into our best self.
We work hard, using our tools, practicing self care, taking three steps forward and two steps back, letting our higher power guide us along our path, coping with disappointment and frustration, having patience with ourselves as we falter. We rage and scream as we fight the changes that must be made for our higher selves to emerge. We may see no improvement for a time and then suddenly we see it... we have responded differently to a situation that previously caused us much consternation. We have changed!! Hope emerges like the sun on a rainy afternoon and we bask in the knowledge that we are succeeding. We have come to a place of acceptance. Our process works, we are secure in the knowledge that despite setbacks we will continue along our path, and our future brightens.
As we begin our expedition we may see an initial glimpse of how we are perceived by others. Our initial reaction may be one of denial. We may have a great deal of trouble accepting what we have experienced. There may be much shame and fear involved. Our defense mechanisms kick in to protect us from pain.
Over time as we repeatedly see these glimpses of ourselves and our behavior our defense mechanisms may falter and we may not be able to remain in denial at all times. This may produce pain. Our reaction may be to become angry. We may be infuriated at the thought that the world is not as we have perceived it. We may feel duped and shamed by our inability to discern accurately. We may be fearful of further disclosure. Anger protects us from feeling the full impact of our new knowledge.
As our anger subsides we may begin to bargain, with ourselves and others. Our defenses are again protecting us from the full brunt of incorporating our new knowledge. We may rationalize our behaviors, or the behavior of others as acceptable due to extenuating circumstances.
Eventually bargaining no longer protects us from the full impact of how we are perceived by others. We see ourselves for the first time with all our dysfunction. It is a painful moment. We may feel depressed as we process this information. But it is an important moment. We are at the true beginning of our recovery process. It is from this desolate place that we can rebuild into our best self.
We work hard, using our tools, practicing self care, taking three steps forward and two steps back, letting our higher power guide us along our path, coping with disappointment and frustration, having patience with ourselves as we falter. We rage and scream as we fight the changes that must be made for our higher selves to emerge. We may see no improvement for a time and then suddenly we see it... we have responded differently to a situation that previously caused us much consternation. We have changed!! Hope emerges like the sun on a rainy afternoon and we bask in the knowledge that we are succeeding. We have come to a place of acceptance. Our process works, we are secure in the knowledge that despite setbacks we will continue along our path, and our future brightens.
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