Am I Practicing Self Care or Being Selfish?

Can self care become selfishness? How do we keep ourselves in balance?

Self care is an important part of our recovery effort. We learn to care for ourselves. We set effective boundaries, avoid the drama of others, stay balanced and keep ourselves from becoming overwhelmed in the face of lifes challenges. We practice discernment, use our tools to cope effectively, and in the process increase our self esteem.

As we begin to practice self care and learn to set effective boundaries we change. That change brings discomfort to our partner. We are no longer willing to do things that our partner can and should do for themselves. As a result, we begin to receive change back messages from our partner. This is their response to the stress our changes bring into their life. We exercise patience, showing our partner our committment to our recovery and allowing them the time to catch up. We use discernment to detect when we are being drawn into the drama of others, keeping ourselves in balance. When we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed as a result of the strength of our emotions, we use our tools to bring ourselves back into balance, recognizing that we cannot effectively help our partner to cope when we ourselves are overwhelmed.

As long as our self care is focused on achieving balance for the purpose of being able to be emotionally present in our relationship with our partner, as well as for our overall health, we will be practicing self care and not selfishness. When we allow our defense mechanisms and fear to control us, we lose sight of healthy boundaries and begin to focus too much on ourselves and our issues. When that happens too often, we may fail to be emotionally present for our partner and our relationship. We cannot be centered at all times, but we can strive for balance in a consistent manner.

During our growth and change our partner may feel unsure of our relationship. We take the initiative, reaffirming our love and devotion to both our partner and our relationship, allowing our partner to take these new patterns of interacting in stride. We recall that change creates discomfort and unease and give our partner plenty of time and the space necessary to adapt.

As we walk our path of recovery we find that we take three steps forward and two back testing our resolve and misstepping frequently. We will learn slowly, carefully, in our own time, how to maintain balance without seeming insensitive or too self involved. Recovery may not be easy, but we find that the rewards are well worth the effort as we feel our self esteem grow stronger day by day.

Self care or Selfishness... Which One Is It?

Image by CatrinaZ via Flickr

Self care... what is it? Is it being selfish? Is it putting myself before others? How do I know how to do it? What do I do to practice self care?

These are all excellent questions. Self care is all about learning to take care of ourselves so that we live balanced lives, avoid feeling overwhelmed and don't allow other peoples drama to control us.

That is a real mouthful. Learning to practice self care is a process. During that process we learn tools... actions to take to reduce our stress. We also learn boundaries... where we end and another person begins. Additionally we learn discernment... the ability to pay attention to our gut and our own innate capacity to know when, how much and whom to trust.

Learning these skills takes time and effort. It is a lifelong process that we continue to practice in our daily lives. We begin with tools. These are actions we can take to reduce stress. We learn deep breathing, guided meditation, visualization, affirmations, and techniques for self soothing. We begin to appreciate the quiet gentleness of taking a scented bath, reading a novel, sharing a phone call with a dear friend, having our evening meal by candlelight even when we are alone, taking a long walk, listening to the roar of the ocean or the breeze through the trees.

Boundaries... where we end and another person begins... can be a difficult lesson. We have control over one person in our lives... ourselves. We can cajole, beg, plead, order, dominate, manipulate, cry, scream, rant and try all methods of controlling others to no avail. Eventually we have to learn to let go. When we do we find that we are capable of saying no to requests we don't wish to indulge. We can ignore the behavior of others who are trying to control us and remember that we own our power. As we learn to respect others boundaries and our own we will reduce the drama in our lives and become more peaceful.

Discernment can be the toughest lesson of all. We have let others delude us for too long. We have believed the unbelievable, trusted the untrustworthy and forfeited our ability to trust ourselves in the process. Slowly, as we practice self care, we will come to trust our gut... to know when someone is not being honest... to listen between the lines... to pay attention to body language. We will learn once again how to trust ourselves, for that is the reality of our loss. We no longer trust our ability to discern the truth from lies.

As we practice self care we increase our self esteem one notch at a time. Like steps on a ladder we inch our way back to health and joy. We cannot underestimate how much we have lost, but we are on the road to recovery. In time we will find a healthier, happier self whom we can rely upon and trust.

These are the lessons of self care. We practice self care in our daily lives, using our tools, setting boundaries and slowly coming to learn discernment as we begin to trust ourselves once again. In this way we give ourselves the gift of increased self esteem.

Am I Growing?

How do we know when we are growing? How can we tell if we have changed? We see ourselves everyday, what can we use as a yardstick?

When we enter into the process of recovery we place ourselves on a path of growth that is often three steps forward and two steps back. As we grow and change it may not be apparent to us that we have made strides in our efforts to become healthier. This may cause us concern or allow us to feel as though we are not accomplishing our goals.

We can take steps to avert this type of second guessing. We can use our tools to create a snapshot of ourselves at various points along our journey.

One of our most successful tools is journaling. We take bit of time on a regular basis and write out our thoughts and feelings. We may want to include small bits of current events to remind ourselves of the drama and chaos that surrounded us when we entered into the path of recovery. As time progresses we will be able to read our prior posts and realize how far we have come along our chosen path.

Another tool we can use to help us see our own growth is a gratitude journal. We write down five reasons we are grateful each night before we drift off to sleep. They can be anything, from our kids to our pet. We can be grateful for the simplest things, like food on our table, or the most complex, such as being able to understand physics. Initially the exercise may feel awkward and we may be unable to think of five new things to write down each day. But over time we will see how our world has enlarged as we grow and change.

Sometimes we complete our exercises and use our tools grudgingly, just going through the motions. But over time as we see the growth in ourselves and the changes we engender in those we love we will become more enthusiastic in our efforts and understand that we can only change the world one person at a time... that person starts with us.

Love Addiction or Love?

In reviewing materials online and in print that are worth noting, this piece by Jed Diamond, is a must read for anyone in a relationship or planning to be in a relationship in the future.

By Jed Diamond, Ph.D., author of Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places:
Overcoming Romantic and Sexual Addiction and The Irritable Male Syndrome

Since we all have grown up in a society that confuses healthy love with “love” addiction, many of us find it difficult to know whether our feelings are based on healthy intimacy or addictive desire. Based on my work over the last 45 year’s as a psychotherapist specializing in helping people develop and maintain healthy relationships, I offer the following comparison.

1. Healthy Love develops after we feel secure.
Addictive Love tries to create love even though we feel frightened and insecure.

2. Healthy Love comes from feeling full. We overflow with love.
Addictive Love is always trying to fill an inner void.

3. Healthy Love begins with self love.
Addictive Love always seeks love “out there” from that “special someone.”

4. Healthy Love comes to us once we’ve given up the search.
Addictive Love is compulsively sought after.

5. Healthy Love comes from inside. It wants to give.
Addictive Love comes from outside. It wants to take.

6. Healthy Love grows slowly, like a tree.
Addictive Love grows fast, as if by magic, like those children’s animals that expand instantly
when we add water.

7. Healthy Love thrives on time alone as well as time with our partner.
Addictive Love is frightened of being alone and afraid of being close.

8. Healthy Love is unique. There is no “ideal lover” that we seek.
Addictive Love is stereotyped. There is always a certain type that attracts us.

9. Healthy Love is gentle and comfortable.
Addictive Love is tense and combative.

10. Healthy Love is based on a deep knowing of ourselves and our lover.
Addictive Love is based on hiding from ourselves and falling in love with an ideal “image” not a
person.
　
11. Healthy Love encourages us to be ourselves, to be honest from the beginning with who we are, including our faults.
Addictive Love encourages secrets. We want to look good and put on an attractive mask.

12. Healthy Love flows out.
Addictive Love caves in.

13. Healthy Love creates a deeper sense of ourselves the longer we are together.
Addictive Love creates a loss of self the longer we are together.

14. Healthy Love gets easier as time goes on.
Addictive Love requires more effort as time goes on.

15. Healthy Love is like rowing across a gentle lake.
Addictive Love is like being swept away down a raging river.

16. Healthy Love grows stronger as fear decreases.
Addictive Love expands as fear increases.

17. Healthy Love is satisfied with what we have.
Addictive Love is always looking for more or better.

18. Healthy Love encourages interests to expand in the world.
Addictive Love encourages outside interests to contract.

19. Healthy Love is based on the belief that we want to be together.
Addictive Love is based on the belief that we have to be together.

20. Healthy Love teaches that we can only make ourselves happy.
Addictive Love expects the other person to make us happy and demands that we try to make them happy.

21. Healthy Love creates life.
Addictive Love creates melodramas.


Is It Love or "Love" Addiction?
Source: www.scribd.com

FEAR: The Controlling Arm Within the Puppet

Image by stuant63 via Flickr

How do fears manifest themselves in our daily lives? How do these fears come to be a part of us? It is possible that we are unaware of how our fears affect our behavior?

We have been involved with our partner for a few months. We feel strong surges of emotion for our new partner. All is proceeding well, or so it seems. In the back of our mind, however, we have a nagging fear that our partner is being unfaithful. There have been no indicators to lead us to believe that this is happening and we have no external reason to feel this way, but we just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. We try to dodge the feelings and ignore them, telling ourself that it is all in our head.

Time passes and our attachment to our partner increases. We feel even more strongly about them than before. However, the sense that we are being duped increases. Our emotions are screaming at us that we are being had, that our partner is being unfaithful.

We can no longer ignore our feelings and begin to query our partner. At first we ask gently if they are happy with us, if there is anyone else in the picture. When we receive the assurance we seek we feel calmed. But the feeling doesn't last. After a few days we again feel the agitation and repeat our query. This time the assurance is followed with a request for an explanation. We are caught off guard and don't know how to respond. We try to make an excuse, but it is clear that we are concealing our true intent. We feel no better this time and begin to believe even more strongly that we are being duped. Our mind reels with the endless possibilities. We are plagued with thoughts we cannot bear.

Over time we try to avoid asking for further reassurances but cannot do so. Our partner becomes irritated with our lack of faith and begins to pull away emotionally. We feel the loss, adding fuel to the fire in our head. Our emotions spin out of control. We cannot tolerate our thoughts or feelings. Soon our partner tires of the endless questions and lack of trust and leaves the relationship. Our beliefs are confirmed. We were wrong to even begin to trust our partner in the first place.

What has happened to us? We have been plagued by fear. We entered into the relationship with the fear that we would be betrayed. In the process we caused the exact thing we feared. It happened as a result of our behavior. Because we had been hurt this way in a prior relationship and we did not allow ourselves to heal from that hurt, we carried it into our next relationship. We did not practice self care and did not allow ourselves the time to heal our wounds. We plunged into another relationship headlong without thinking of the consequences to ourselves. In the process, we set ourselves up to be hurt once again. Although we may initially believe that our partner was unfaithful, eventually we realize what has actually transpired. We chased our partner away.

We allowed our fear to run our life and direct our behavior. We felt powerless over our emotions and let them run rampant, causing havoc in our relationship. As a result of our display, our partner eventually tired of the drama and left the relationship. We created that which we feared. Or to look at it another way, our fear manifested itself in our lives through our behavior.

The importance of this point cannot be stressed enough. If we follow the logic through we can see how fear may manifest itself in other areas of our lives. Our fear of losing money may encourage unstable spending habits, causing us to fall into debt. We may fear gaining weight, thereby increasing our stress level to the point that we eat the wrong foods or eat to relax. Our fear of abandonment may lead us to cling to those we love, causing them to feel suffocated and in the process push them away.

When we enter into recovery we face our fears, acknowledge that they exist and are a part of who we are. We integrate them into our sense of self and allow ourselves the time and space to heal the old wounds that created the fears. We practice self care, work on increasing our self esteem and realize that our fears served us well at one time, but we no longer need them to protect us. We are capable of protecting ourselves. We use our tools and give ourselves the benefit of the doubt as we progress in our recovery, knowing that we will fall from time to time. That's okay. Perfection is not the goal.

I Think I Will Scream!!

She's driving me crazy! He doesn't understand how his behavior makes me feel! If she keeps nagging me I think I'll explode! If he doesn't listen to what I have to say I'll scream!

Sound familiar? We have all been in that place where we are infuriated with our partner and feel like we are going mad. We may want to shout to the heavens in frustration or curl up in a ball and disappear. Regardless of who began the current disagreement, we both end up in the same old argument again and again. What is happening? How do we get off the merry go round?

The high emotional toll that conflict brings to a relationship can be devastating. As partners we were once gentle and loving with one another. Now we bicker and argue almost daily. It seems as though not a day goes by without tension or a disagreement. We both feel like we are walking on egg shells. Every comment is taken the wrong way, every gesture and look misinterpreted. We feel stuck and can't seem to break the destructive pattern.

There is a way out. Empathy is the answer. When we can put ourselves in the place of our partner and imagine how they are feeling in that moment, we are becoming empathetic. When we are angry our ability to empathize with another vanishes. We are upset and consumed with our own feelings. In such a state we simply cannot empathize. In that moment, it is imperative that we give ourselves a time out and take a break from the situation and our partner to regain our center.

We may respond to a perceived threat by feeling anger. This may be our first line of defense. The adrenaline we produce in response to the emotional reaction from a threat, prepares our body for fight, flight or freeze. If we opt to fight with our partner, we add to the drama and discord. If we freeze, we become unable to communicate, again adding to the discord. However if we opt for self care, we can take that burst of adrenaline we received from our emotional reaction and use it to care for ourselves. We can take a brisk walk. While we walk we can mull over the events that have come to pass and use the adrenaline in our system as well. This not only protects our relationship from further harm, but also allows us to burn the adrenaline out of our system rather than letting it negatively impact our health. After a brisk walk we can return to the discussion feeling centered and empathetic, capable of coming to a mutual solution.

Although it may feel odd to walk away from conflict initially - we may have been programmed from early childhood to stay and fight it out with siblings or playmates - once we have tried this approach and found it successful, we will want to incorporate it into our tool bag for frequent use. Taking a time out, decompressing, coming back to our center, returning to empathy and being able to come to a mutual solution, are all beneficial ways of solving recurrent arguments in our relationships.

We use our tools in our daily lives. Our consistent practice of self care gives us increased self esteem. As our relationship improves our ability to be a part of an inter-dependent relationship increases and we become happier more fulfilled human beings. And isn't that what it's all about?

Using Your Struggle Muscle!!

Has life gotten too easy? Is our routine causing us to become bored? Are we creating drama in our lives to fill up the empty space? What can we do to overcome our addiction to drama?

Many of us grew up in families of origin that were filled with the drama of chaos in every day life. We may have had caretakers who could barely manage their own lives... siblings who created intense drama around themselves... a family member who was disabled... neighbors who created chaos and drama within their home and out into the street involving others. Not to mention an addict or alcoholic in the family. Some of us have been caught in the inter-generational caretaking trap... caring for both children and parents simultaneously. This can leave us exhausted, drained and without time to live lives of our own.

Any or all of these situations creates an imbalance in our internal rheostat. We become drama addicts. Over time our bodies become accustomed to the shots of adrenaline we receive from our flight/fright/freeze response which reacts instinctively when we are stimulated in chaos. As we grow up in a constant state of arousal, due to the chaos in our families of origin, we become adrenaline addicts. When nothing is happening we feel sluggish, down, somewhat depressed, tired, bored, and generally disinterested until... BAM ...we get a shot of adrenaline when our friend calls and tells us that she and her husband are having a fight again. Drama!! We are wide awake, alert, up, focused, energized and ready to interact. It's so much better than coffee!!

What happens when we walk the path to recovery and our challenges begin to dissipate? Some of us suddenly find that our lives have become boring, empty, without meaning, tiresome. We miss our daily doses of adrenaline. We feel useless. Our bodies literally feel different. The chemical addiction lessens over time, but our mental addiction must be addressed as well.

We may react by creating drama in our daily lives to fill the empty space. We don't have to go down that road. We can, instead, pursue hobbies and interests that we previously didn't have time to learn. We can paint, draw, attend theater, musical concerts, visit museums, learn a new language, try our hand at crafts, run a garage sale, refinish a special piece of furniture, read, exercise, volunteer or join a club.

When our time is absorbed caretaking others we may neglect our own lives for extended periods of time. This may leave us with a big empty space where caretaking and drama used to live. As we walk the path of recovery it is imperative that we take up new challenges to fill the void left by the old habits we no longer wish to pursue. Nature abhors a vacuum. If we do not fill the space by choice we run the risk of our hold habits returning and taking hold once again.

We practice our tools in our daily lives giving ourselves much needed self care. We make efforts not to isolate, to socialize with others both in and out of recovery. As we continue to remain vigilant in our pursuit of recovery we increase our self esteem. In this way we rebuild our life.

Feeling Greedy?

It's always a difficult time when someone we love passes away. We feel pain inside where there used to be wholeness. We hope that in time the pain of grieving will pass and we will feel whole once again. What happens to us when greed takes over our family after a tragedy? How do we cope with the ensuing drama and chaos that threatens to stall us in our grieving process?

We may experience losing a loved one as a crisis. The pain of loss, comfort, support and safety is too great to bear. This may lead to acting out grief through greed. Often times when a loved one passes away there may be infighting among family members trying to grab a share of the pie. This type of activity can stall the grieving process. The daily drama directs energy away from allowing feelings to progress naturally through the stages of grief. We may end up stuck in one of the five stages, denial, anger, bargaining or depression. Our goal is to attain the fifth stage, acceptance, but our journey may be frought with difficulties when bickering takes the place of solace and empathy.

If we are not permitted the chance to feel and process our pain and loss we may become unable to move forward with our lives. We may shut down our feelings and become numb. We may opt for self medication, abusing alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or food. We may make hasty decisions that do not reflect our usual ability to respond rather than react. Our inability to process our grief may affect every area of our lives from our health to our relationships.

We may behave in abrasive and insensitive ways when we are filled with pain and sadness. We may become absorbed in our loss and attempt to grab more than our share of the estate of our loved one in an attempt to fill the gaping wound we feel inside. We must come to realize that no amount of things or funds will replace the person we have lost. The pain will not be mitigated by filling our lives with trinkets. The loss is real and we must come to terms with it. This will only happen as we permit ourselves to move through all the stages of grief.

Creating a diversion of drama over assets may take our mind off our loss for a time, but eventually we will be faced with the enormity of the fact that our loved one has passed on. If we delay our process we will only increase the amount of time it takes us to become whole once again.

Our most healthy choice is to reach out for support from those who love us and are willing to stand by us during our time of trial. We can attend support groups at local area hospitals, called bereavement groups. They are designed to help us get through our loss by encouraging the expression of feelings that come to us during the processing of grief. We are supported by others who have also lost loved ones and are traveling the same road.

Our lives may become quite tumultuous following the death of a family member. We must take time out for self care. Especially if we are responsible for the care of remaining family, it is imperative that we make the committment to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care on a daily basis, reach out for support to our network and higher power, and allow ourselves time to process our own feelings. If we need to attend a bereavement group, it is a gift we give ourselves. We do whatever we can to soothe those around us, giving ourselves the same soothing in the process. Life will return to balance in time. We must learn the art of acceptance.

A wise woman once said: "The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it."

Strong Emotions? Yuck!!

What are emotions? Why do they seem so overwhelming at times? How to we cope with strong emotions?

Emotional literacy is a concept that answers a multitude of questions for those of us in recovery. We may have journeyed through our childhood with dysfunctional family systems. Those systems taught us concepts that inhibited our growth: Don't think, don't talk, don't feel.

Thinking is a threatening activity if we are being taught to accept whatever is happening at face value. Thinking might rock the family boat. It might allow new ideas to emerge which could threaten the tight control that dysfunction has over the family system. That might be terrifying for the members of our dysfunctional family of origin. They have learned to accept the elephant in the living room. They walk around it quite comfortably. No one notices it any longer or allows themselves to think about it.

Talking about what is happening in our dysfunctional family of origin may be incredibly threatening. If thinking was scary, than talking may be terrifying. Not only are we breaking the rules by thinking about the unspeakable, but now we are talking about it too? This is intolerable to family members. It creates immense discomfort. We are asking them to acknowledge that there is a problem or issue that might need to be solved. Since they may be unwilling to see any problem, there is nothing to discuss.

Having feelings about issues is verboten. Thinking was not permitted, talking was terrifying and having feelings about any of these unspeakable problems is impossible. It may be so far out of the path of possibility that the person having feelings may be shunned until they take the path of least resistance, and obey the rules of their family of origin. They must correct their horrendous mistake of actually having feelings.

The rules are clear: It is not permitted to think about, discuss or have feelings regarding the elephant in the living room. If these rules are not obeyed at all times, corrections must be undertaken to re-indoctrinate the offending family member immediately. Further, any family member who refuses to follow the rules after re-indoctrination will be shunned until they comply.

Of course the preceding paragraph is a dramatization, but it certainly sounds like our families of origin, doesn't it? Translated into common English the rules say, don't rock the family boat or we will be angry and give change back messages until you stop. If you don't stop, we will exclude you from family activities because you make us too uncomfortable to have you around.

That is a frightening message for a child to absorb. Therefore children, who literally cannot survive without their family of origin, follow the rules. They learn not to rock the dysfunctional family boat. They learn to do whatever they must to deceive themselves, so as to be able to function within their family of origin.

These early lessons may cause children from dysfunctional families of origin to become emotionally illiterate adults. We can be partners is relationships who cannot find the words to describe how we feel when we are having a strong emotional response. We don't have the vocabulary to describe what we are experiencing. We only know how to shut down and steam.

The thinking part of the brain is where language allows the processing of raw emotion into understandable feelings. Those of us who came from dysfunctional families of origin where the rules were strictly enforced by controlling family members, may have never developed the ability to marry words to emotion. We have not had the opportunity to learn this very important skill. We need to be able to join words to emotion to be able to intellectually grasp what is happening within us and feel the ability to regulate it. When strong emotions occur without the ability to verbalize, we are thrown back to our infancy. We are a being without language available to express what is happening to us. This creates additional feelings of shame and frustration as we attempt to grapple with what is effectively, the unknown.

Through recovery and using our tools we continue to practice self care. As we tackle this very difficult challenge of teaching ourselves the lost lessons of our childhoods, we practice patience with ourselves and forgiveness when we misstep. We will learn what we need to in time and with help. The path is before us. We take one step at a time and lean on our higher power knowing that the lessons before us will lead us where we need to go. We are not alone.

Tools, Glorious Tools - Part Four

Recovery is not complete without tools to take us beyond the drama of the moment into long term health. Patience, managing expectations, deep breathing, journaling and reading are all tools that help us deal with the immediate stress of our daily lives. Tools that are life changing are more elusive, harder to grasp and harder to implement.

Meditation is a state of deep relaxation where we work to empty our minds of all the clutter of the day. We give our brain a time out from the constant work of processing the innumerable messages that bombard us throughout our daily lives. There are many styles of meditation. One in particular is called guided imagery. This type of meditation is a form requiring a guide. The guide may be ourselves or another that we choose. We are first lead through a breathing and relaxation exercise. Following this we are guided through a vivid journey within our minds. We may view past events with a new perspective. We may take a walk on the beach. Whatever we view complements our state of deep relaxation. When we complete our meditation we feel refreshed and relaxed. This tool is one we can use on our own to give ourselves a boost of rejuvenation during stressful times.

One of the most difficult tools for many of us to accept is the concept of a higher power. Many of us were deeply wounded as children. We may have stopped believing that there might be more to life than what we can observe with our five senses. We may be angry with our higher power, feeling abandoned to live through pain, fear and sorrow. It may take some time for us to regain the faith that there is more to our lives than that which we sense. That is part of the process. We begin with baby steps, opening ourselves to the possibility that there may be more. Our higher power can be whatever we choose. It is not a defined concept, nor one based in religion. For some it is the stars, for others the earth, for still others an ethereal spiritual being. There is no correct answer. We use whatever will bring us to a place of faith.

Why does a part of recovery focus on having faith in a higher power? We change our perspective. We become part of a larger world when we enter the journey of recovery. We begin to see that we are not unique and that our pain, fears and shame are a commonality that binds those in recovery together. We learn that we are not alone. This is a powerful concept allowing us to feel that we belong. We are now part of the recovery community. We begin in small increments asking for guidance and wisdom. As we move along our journey we watch for sign posts along the way. We are on a path that has been chosen for us. As we put one foot in front of the other we are reminded that we have already come a long way from our humble beginnings.

Our choice to remain open to the possibility of a higher power is our entry into the realm of spirituality. We begin to allow ourselves to consider the possibility that we are more than just a human body. We open our minds to the thought that we may be a spiritual being housed within a human body. The concepts of balance have existed for eons; yin and yang, dark and light, good and evil, heaven and hell, God and Satan, Adam and Eve, Mother Earth and Father Time. All these ideas stem from the concepts of balance… that for each and every positive in the universe, there is an opposing force.

We strive to create balance in our lives. One of the ways we do this is by opening ourselves to the concept of allowing situations to develop naturally without trying to force results. If we can begin to accept that we may be spiritual beings, we can then relax and allow the natural unfolding of events. This brings us to a healthier place where we feel calm, centered and balanced instead of stresses, harried and overwhelmed.

Our tools are our life line. We use them in our daily lives to enhance our ability to remain balanced and to increase our self esteem. We practice patience, managing expectations, deep breathing, journaling and reading on a daily basis. We use meditation and guided imagery as a form of deep relaxation and renewal. We open ourselves to the possibility that there may be more to the universe than we can sense and begin to have faith in a higher power. Our spiritual lives blossom and we experience the peace and tranquility that we crave. In this way we give ourselves the gift of recovery.

Tools, Glorious Tools - Part I

During the recovery process we learn about and use tools. What do we mean by tools? How do they help us practice self care? Why do we need them in our daily lives?

Many of us have been damaged by relationship trauma. This damage may have occurred over an extended period of time beginning with our family of origin during our early years. We may have been too young to be capable of appropriately processing the events that surrounded our lives. In order to survive the drama and chaos, we adopted defense mechanisms. Without our defenses we might not have been able to continue to live in our family of origin without experiencing enormous psychological pain.

Some of us experienced much more subtle forms of damage. The dysfunctional patterns of some families of origin may appear healthy to those within the family. Manipulation and passive aggressive types of behavior by caretakers can be too subtle for the mind of a child to process. Family members may have no ruler against which to measure the behavior of their caretakers. Without an example of what healthy behavior looks like, members will internalize family behavior patterns as their own. This too creates defense mechanisms since children accept adult behavior as the standard against which all is measured.

Now that we are adults we find we have outgrown these defense mechanisms. They no longer serve us as they did when we were children, as a protection from psychological harm. Our defenses have become a hindrance to our enjoyment of life. They are much like a favorite pair of childhood shoes that no longer fit. We try to put them on but they squash our self esteem and don’t permit us to interact appropriately with our world. As we continue to use them as adults, we create shackles that keep us from freedom. We are literally hobbled by our defenses.

Tools allow us to gradually free ourselves from defense mechanisms that no longer function for our benefit. We slowly unlock the iron grip of shackles opening one link at a time. Each tool in our tool bag gives us more ability to open the links and escape our home made prisons. As we do the work of unlocking ourselves from our defenses we gradually increase our self esteem. Each step in the process raises our belief and trust in ourselves, allowing us to begin to trust our discernment once again.

Tools are instruments of self care that are learned during the recovery process. Like the tools used in carpentry, they need to be handled regularly and practiced often so we may become adept at using them in our daily lives. It takes time to unlearn habits that we may have had for twenty or more years and one of our first tools learned is patience and managing expectations. We need to be patient with ourselves. Recovery is a process that takes time and effort. We may often feel as if we take three steps forward and two steps back. That’s okay. We can allow ourselves the gift of patience. Managing our expectations is crucial. We can undo much of our progress if our expectations are unreasonable. We need to expect setbacks. This too is part of the recovery process.

I Just Can't Find the Words

We are on our way out for the day with our partner. We laugh and hold hands as we leave the house. One of the kids has again left their bike out on the lawn. They have been asked to put it in the garage countless times. Our partner gets upset, picks up the bike and puts it in the garage, making a few angry comments in the process. We say nothing and continue on to the car to wait for our partner to join us.

As we drive away we notice our partner is silent. We ask if they are all right and receive a short clipped, yes. Obviously everything is not all right. We feel that they are asking to be drawn out and once again ask gently if all is well. The explosion that follows lasts only seconds, but rocks us to our core. We are stunned by the intensity of the emotional outburst. We sit in hurt silence for a few moments then ask for an explanation. We are told nothing.

Does this seem all too familiar? In cave man times looking into the face of a predator didn't require thought, just reflexive action to keep us alive. That age old survival response system still takes over when we feel threatened. We may no longer be looking into the face of a predator, but our threat response is just as strong. Intense emotions cause our thinking brain, the cerebral cortex, to shut off. The last thing we need when staring into the face of a lion are random thoughts to distract us from surviving. Today's lion may be something as inconsequential as the kids bike or the credit card bill.

Our ability to rebound, after a perceived threat causes our survival response to kick in, is an indication of our emotional health. For some, the thinking and processing of strong emotions is so painful that it can take many hours. This can leave the other party wondering what has gone wrong. Here is where effective communication becomes paramount. In the example above, the overwhelmed party can let their partner know that they are unable to process their feelings as of yet, but will get back to the issue as soon as they can. This gives the overwhelmed partner time to process their emotions and associated feelings, and lets the other party know that these hurtful actions will be talked about at some point.

Children who have lived in a home with much chaos and drama may have no one to teach them how to regain their emotional center when they feel threatened. They may be left to cope on their own with virtually no skills. Many children find numbing themselves the safest way to overcome the extreme pain that being emotionally abandoned brings. As adults, the lack of coping skills that would normally be developed during childhood, makes dealing with strong emotions unbearable. To avoid processing the intense feelings that are associated with survival emotions, these adults still use their childhood defense mechanisms. They shut down and feel nothing. This leaves their partners and family feeling unimportant, ignored and unloved. However, nothing could be farther from the truth. Being numb, even for a time, protected them as children from the trauma of emotional abandonment. These adults can learn to feel strong emotions a little at a time.

With our tools and ability to apply consistent self care in our daily lives, we can cope effectively with a partner who may find strong emotions overwhelming. As our partner learns to practice self care and use their tools, they can begin to process strong emotions more effectively. In this way we practice commitment in our relationship and detachment from our partner as we both grow in our ability to communicate and compromise.

Life is just... Life

Life is so hard! It's not fair! Why is this happening to me? I didn't do anything! I can't take it anymore! Who says so! How could this be possible? I wasn't there! When will all the drama end? If I have to say this one more time...! Why do I let this go on? Sound familiar???

No one said life would be easy. Life is just... life. And yes, life often isn't very fair. Kind, decent people die in terrible ways in wars. Stuff just... happens, and sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all. Life can be random and chaotic. Yet, through all the disappointment, loss and pain, there is the other side of life... the joyful, loving, balanced part where ordinary people live out a good portion of their lives with a significant degree of happiness. Yes, the painful times come to us all. How we cope with them is more of an indicator of our mental stability than how we enjoy the happier times.

These are the reasons we use our tools, practice self care, make our daily lives as positive as possible and try to see the glass as half full. We have many assets available for use in our lives. The most valuable of these is time. That is the one that we cannot recoup, cannot rewind, cannot say, "Do over!!" when it has past. We try to live each day to its fullest. We allow ourselves to be as present in each moment as humanly possible.

It is the realization that we have a limited amount of time in our lives that brings many of us to that point where we want to live a more meaningful existence. We question how we have used our time thus far and begin to make informed decisions about what we intend to do with the remainder of our lives. We can think about our choices with the following in mind: When we are lying on our death beds, what will we wish we had done more of? That is the place to begin spending our time.

Life is just... life. Make it the best trip!!

HELP... My Partner's Having An Emotional Meltdown

It's been one of those days when we've been trying to keep ourselves calm and centered in the midst of our partner having a melt down. As the pressure and hostility build, we feel as if we are about to explode. We bite our tongue, the air crackles with tension, we feel as if we are going to scream. What do we do now? What tools do we have to help us get through this crisis?

One of the most difficult times we may face in a relationship comes when our partner becomes emotionally unbalanced and cannot soothe themselves back into stability. The ensuing hours or days can be draining, upsetting and extremely difficult. A partner who has this pattern may be unpredictable in daily life causing much stress and tension. Unpredictability creates a feeling of walking on egg shells and the need by others to be hyper-vigilant in an attempt to avoid potentially triggering an emotional melt down.

Why is it that some people can effectively calm themselves in short order, while others may take hours or even days to regain balance? When we are small children we do not have the capacity to self soothe. We depend on our caretakers to lull us back into balance when we have become upset. They may cuddle us, coo at us, talk gently to us or simply smile at us. We respond by emulating their emotional stability. We imprint their model for handling stress onto our lives and make it our own.

What happens when our caretakers are unable to handle the stress in their lives... when they do not have the capacity to bring themselves back into balance? A caretaker who is in turmoil may not have the presence of mind to realize that their inability to interact appropriately with their environment is being imprinted on their children. If we grew up in a home with drama, tension, hostility and anger, it is likely that we may be unable to moderate our emotions. We may, as children, have never seen emotional balance exemplified and therefore have no experience with appropriate reactions. When we became emotionally upset, there may have been no one who was centered to soothe us back into balance. Now as adults, we are unlikely to be able to bring ourselves back into balance after emotional upset. We may have relied upon external regulators to accomplish this for us with unhappy results.

If our partner is one who may not be able to regain their emotional balance easily, we must practice self care at those difficult times. One of our most effective tools is to take ourselves out of the equation. We recognize that our partner is having an emotional melt down. We realize that we cannot stop the process, nor are we responsible for our partners inability to process their feelings in an appropriate manner. There is nothing we can do to help our partner.

We can take care of ourselves. We lovingly excuse ourselves from the situation. We can take a walk, go for a drive, enjoy a hot bath, get a latte, visit a friend or just run an errand. Getting ourselves out of the situation and away from the tension for even a half hour can be enough to regain our center and perspective. We will need all our empathy to get through the next few hours. We may wish to focus on how grateful we are that we can moderate our own emotional response, and how unfortunate it is that our partner must suffer so greatly.

Once we have regained our composure and feel calm we can make an informed decision about our next action. If our partner has a pattern that takes many hours or days, we may wish to take in a movie, do some shopping, visit a museum or just spend time with friends. We allow ourselves to enjoy our time and give our partner the space to deal with their feelings. We can let our partner know that we will be available when they have regained focus and wish to once again to be part of our social circle.

It may be tempting to become enraged at our partner when this pattern repeats itself in our daily lives. We may begin to feel that precious time is being wasted. We must recall that we are in charge of how we use our time. We have the choice in each moment of what we do next. If we practice self care and allow ourselves to feel pleasure and joy despite our partners situation, we will use our time productively and increase our self esteem.

Although we may feel we are abandoning our partner at a critical time, we are in reality doing them a great service. We are telling them through our actions that they are valued and loved, that we have confidence that they are competent to handle their situation without assistance and return to us a calmer more centered person. In this way we allow our partner to build their self esteem as they learn to manage their emotions in a productive way, without having us present as a distraction or pathway for blame. At the same time we give ourselves the gift of time... time to enjoy our daily lives and pursue our own interests and pleasures.

Changing the Dance

Listened to the news this week and noticed a pattern that parallels life. Every station raved on and on about the AIG bonus payments and the related scandal. News casts on each channel continued the discourse throughout the week. Finally, on Thursday President Obama spoke on the Late Show and made the most intelligent comment about the AIG drama yet. He mentioned the feelings of outrage that we all share of this company getting funds from American taxpayers and using it to pay bonuses to those same executives who caused the economic collapse in the first place. But the real statement came right afterward. What are we going to do to make certain that no other company can hold us hostage with their risky behavior ever again... put regulations in place to prevent this type of risk taking with other peoples money.

How many times in our lives have we lived through incredible drama? We get through to the other side and are relieved it's over. In our haste to move on, we forget to put in place boundaries or consequences to prevent a recurrence. We may not even communicate fully to resolve the problem and insure that we and our partners understand one another. We end up in that same drama over and over again. It is a dance with steps we and our partners have memorized over time. We have a choice. We do not have to keep dancing. We can change the steps. The old saying, it takes two to tango, is true in relationships as well. When one partner to the dance changes their steps, the other party is left to choose. They can dance alone, a very awkward situation... they can complain, change back messages... or over time they can change their steps as well.

Preventing recurrences are one of the purpose of self examination and communication. We cannot control what others may say or do, but we can certainly control how we respond. We choose to moderate our behavior regardless of how others may be acting. We change our steps and by default the dance changes. It may take time and patience, but if we take the long view, we can work toward making positive changes in our relationships. We use our tools and practice self care. In doing this we give ourselves the gift of hope.

Love - Part 2

How it is possible that we could begin to equate love with drama and pain? As children we may have lived with circumstances that were difficult, frightening and beyond our comprehension. In an effort to assimilate our environment we may have made assumptions about what it feels like to be loved based on what we experienced in our daily lives. We may not have had any basis for comparison and therefore no foundation upon which to build an accurate picture of what love might resemble.

As we reach adulthood we may have experienced how families beyond our own family of origin interact. We may have seen love and acceptance practiced in these situations. This glimpse may alert us to differences we were previously unaware existed. We may wish to blend this new data into our own values and behaviors. However, we may not have the skills to incorporate this information into our daily lives.

We can learn using our tools and practicing self care and self acceptance. Our first goal is to see our family of origin with clarity. We need to understand that our caretakers did the best they could with the skills they had absorbed from their own family of origin. They may not have given us what we needed in the area of love and acceptance, but they gave all they could.

At this juncture in our lives it is now our responsibility to take over the task of giving ourselves love and acceptance. We do this slowly, uncovering our deeper parts gently. .. exposing all of ourselves to self examination. As we learn about our inner selves we treat ourselves with gentleness, love and admiration for surviving all that our childhoods entailed. Our defense mechanisms served us well during this early time, however we can now begin to cast them off as we no longer need their protection. We accept ourselves holistically... embracing all our parts without shame or regret and loving ourselves in our entirety. We continue to use our tools as we make our way through this process. We do this by using self care in our daily lives and taking whatever time we need to heal our wounds.

Love - Part 1

Love... that mystical feeling that we can't quite describe. What exactly does love feel like? Do we know when we are in love? When and how do we learn what love is? Why is love important? These are questions that people have been asking for thousands of years.

We learn about love primarily from our family of origin during our childhood. We observe our caretakers as they interact with one another, our siblings, and their world. We may be unable to provide words to what we view, but our young brains record the lessons through our senses. As we grow and interact with others, we may modify what we have learned to reflect our values. We may position ourselves in relationships mirroring that which we learned from our primary caretakers in our family of origin. We have learned what love feels like in our early years and may try to recreate that familiar and comfortable pattern in our adult relationships. We feel in love when the pieces of the puzzle with our partners mesh in that same way we observed in our family of origin. Love becomes the bonding agent of our lives. It ties us to our partners in a predictable and important way. We feel connected, valued, understood and respected in this primary and crucial relationship.

What happens when our family of origin is dysfunctional? When there is much stress, and arguments dominate family life. When one or both caretakers are unable to express love, either to each other or to us as children, how does that affect us?

When caretakers are emotionally unavailable, we as children feel a void we cannot comprehend or explain in our lives. We cannot process that an adult may have issues that hinder their ability to express their feelings. We may internalize the belief that somehow we are inadequate. We may try to be perfect so as to gain favor and admiration instead of love and acceptance. We may act out... recall that "negative attention is better than none"... trying to find a way to force a caretaker to notice us. We may withdraw into ourselves believing that we will be safer if we go unnoticed. We may begin to associate love with being in emotional pain. We create and maintain a system of defense mechanisms which protect us from the pain of feeling the lack of love, intimacy and closeness we desire during our childhoods.

As adults these defense mechanisms continue to operate on an unconscious level. We may be unaware of our reactions and behaviors emanating from these childhood wounds. We have come to a time in our lives where our defense mechanisms no longer serve the function they did when we were small. They were a key to our survival as children, but become a burden to us as adults. They may be inhibiting our ability to feel warmth, love and intimacy. We may be unable to feel comfortable in close relationships. We may find ourselves in a series of partnerships that inevitably end painfully. We may believe being in a relationship filled with drama and pain is being in love.

There is hope. We do not have to continue on this path throughout our lives.
To be continued tomorrow...

Family

Family... that word can conjure up such mixed emotions. For some, there is great anticipation of the next visit and pleasant memories of the past. For others, there is much trepidation. Will this time be okay, or will Dad blow his fuse? Will Mom drink too much? Will Brother steal again? Will Sister be high again?

Our family of origin can be a place of nurturing or of dysfunction. As we walk down our path of recovery, time with our families can be plagued with discomfort. We are no longer participating in the denial and white washing that has been the status quo since we were children. We clearly see the elephant in the living room. How do we continue to have relationships with our families when they are not on a path to recovery? What do we do to practice self care when faced with the dysfunctional patterns of our family of origin?

We begin by realizing that those who come to recovery do so in their own time. We cannot force another to take those first steps anymore than we can force a dog to become a cat. Each of us has within us a locked door leading to change that can only be opened from the inside. Our only path is that of detachment and acceptance. We can dislike the behavior that our father displays when he loses his temper, but we continue to love the person within. We can feel dismay when our mother drinks excessively, but we still love the individual. We can be angered by our brother's stealing, yet love him regardless. We can feel disappointment that our sister continues to abuse her body with drugs, but continue to love the human being.

We separate the person's actions, which we find offensive, from the person within, the human being, realizing that all are fallible. We try to accept that each of the members of our family are simply people with problems. We focus on what we can do to take care of ourselves. We use our tools to keep ourselves centered. We try to keep a healthy perspective throughout our visit. When we are able, we take time to practice self care. We use our tools: journaling, taking a time out, walking, calling a trusted friend, just to name a few. We can limit our visit if necessary. We can listen if someone needs to talk, but we try not to get pulled into the old family drama. We try not to take the bait. This can be a very difficult balancing act requiring much effort at living in the moment. We try to enjoy what we can while we are with our family.

We may not be successful during our first attempts. We will be better over time as we practice. Recovery is always three steps forward and two steps back. We practice patience with ourselves as we continue on our path, using our tools and practicing self care. In this way we give ourselves the gift of possibilities. Possibilities of relationships with our family based on honesty.

Intimacy

One of the most sought after ideals in the human condition is intimacy. We yearn to have another truly know us. Yet at the same time we are desperately afraid to be seen. This harsh reality is the cause of many relationship struggles. We come together then pull apart. We desire time with others, then move away to soothe ourselves. In the dance of intimacy there is the unspoken two step that we unconsciously complete as we glide along. We often participate in the dance without even knowing it. We move in concert with our partner as though we were trained together.

Why then does the dance cause so much pain and drama in our daily lives? As we come together we feel the rush of closeness and the promise of joy that intimacy holds. We revel in the moment. But we cannot sustain the level of intimacy without feeling the fear that we somehow, will be lost. In reaction we pull back, gasping for personal space. Our instinctive reaction to pull away is our survival mechanism preserving our individuality. Intimacy at this level cannot be sustained for more than mere moments at a time. If we lived constantly at this energy level we would be exhausted.

So why does the coming apart cause so much drama and feelings of loss? Our expectations are the root of the challenge. We do not always understand the necessity of individuality. In our search for intimacy and connection we often feel that we must remain connected at all times to be whole. This is certainly not the case. In order to be two whole individuals, we must come apart to live our own lives and bring new experiences and ideas back to the joining. We must pull away to again rejoin. This time of separation allows us to live our own experiences, increase our self esteem and come back together with more to offer our partner. The synergy of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. As we increase our self worth through self care and using our tools, we increase the value of our intimate relationships. This is a gift we give ourselves, intimacy.

Drama Addiction

When things are going well, we "wait for the other shoe to drop". We don't have time to sit back and relax... there's so much chaos going on right now that we have to manage, or there will be a disaster. Every time the phone rings someone at the other end of the line is having a major problem and we need to attend to it now. Sound familiar?

This is the sound of drama addiction. We have no time to live our own lives because we are so busy attending to everyone else. Why do we adopt this mode of constantly making work for ourselves? What would we be doing if we disconnected from other peoples issues and problems and instead focused on our own lives? Some of us have been living through others for so long that we have lost our own lives along the way. We have neglected our self for such a long time that we no longer know who we are. Without the drama, who would we be? Wouldn't it be fun to find out?

We have a choice. We can elect to let others solve their own problems and attend to the business of living our own lives. Although we will get plenty of change back messages, if we keep minding our own business and letting others do the same, eventually they will begin to pick up the slack. This will give us the freedom to explore what self care feels like on a daily basis. We can begin to fill our own lives with the fun hobbies and activities that we enjoy. We can begin to live our lives again, to feel joy and wonder at the world and to engage the present.