Why Can't I Be Understood?

Why is it that my partner and I can use the same words and still not get the correct message?

When we communicate we are sending a message based not only on our verbal language, but on what the words in our language mean to us. We develop the meaning of those words in our family of origin. When each of us is young we learn spoken language from our caretakers. As they speak we listen and grasp the intended, as well as the inferred meaning from their use of language. Not only do we learn the apparent meaning of words, but we learn the underlying meaning implied by tone of voice and posture when the words are spoken.

When caretakers talk among themselves, they may use words that have multiple meanings. A word such as touchy can mean excessive handling of an object, over reacting to an action or statement or even tender qualities when used in combination with the word feely in slang. Depending on the tone of voice, the facial expression and the context of the remark, we learn as small children how and when to use such a word. These early lessons are unique to each of us. Siblings may have similar language usage and understanding, but their lingo is not exactly alike.

When we communicate with out partner we may easily forget that we don't share the same early life lessons and have not come from the same family of origin. We make a statement and have trouble being understood, as we may make a host of assumptions regarding what the phrase means to us, that don't apply to our partner. If we are to be understood we need to be as clear as possible in our discourse. We try to explain not only what is apparent in our usage of language, but what is not apparent, our lingo. Over time as we come to know one another better and learn more about each other's families of origin, we begin to share one another's lingo and clarity becomes easier to reach.

This is especially true for partners from varying cultures where language and customs may be vastly different. It is important to share not only the pleasures of our similarities, but also the gift of learning from our differences.

When we begin to truly understand one another the facade of fear slips away showing us that we are truly all the same species, human beings. In beginning to understand one anothers lingo we add to the possibility that one day humanity will come to realize that most of us are ordinary citizens who wish to live in peace with all of the world.

Love - Part 1

Love... that mystical feeling that we can't quite describe. What exactly does love feel like? Do we know when we are in love? When and how do we learn what love is? Why is love important? These are questions that people have been asking for thousands of years.

We learn about love primarily from our family of origin during our childhood. We observe our caretakers as they interact with one another, our siblings, and their world. We may be unable to provide words to what we view, but our young brains record the lessons through our senses. As we grow and interact with others, we may modify what we have learned to reflect our values. We may position ourselves in relationships mirroring that which we learned from our primary caretakers in our family of origin. We have learned what love feels like in our early years and may try to recreate that familiar and comfortable pattern in our adult relationships. We feel in love when the pieces of the puzzle with our partners mesh in that same way we observed in our family of origin. Love becomes the bonding agent of our lives. It ties us to our partners in a predictable and important way. We feel connected, valued, understood and respected in this primary and crucial relationship.

What happens when our family of origin is dysfunctional? When there is much stress, and arguments dominate family life. When one or both caretakers are unable to express love, either to each other or to us as children, how does that affect us?

When caretakers are emotionally unavailable, we as children feel a void we cannot comprehend or explain in our lives. We cannot process that an adult may have issues that hinder their ability to express their feelings. We may internalize the belief that somehow we are inadequate. We may try to be perfect so as to gain favor and admiration instead of love and acceptance. We may act out... recall that "negative attention is better than none"... trying to find a way to force a caretaker to notice us. We may withdraw into ourselves believing that we will be safer if we go unnoticed. We may begin to associate love with being in emotional pain. We create and maintain a system of defense mechanisms which protect us from the pain of feeling the lack of love, intimacy and closeness we desire during our childhoods.

As adults these defense mechanisms continue to operate on an unconscious level. We may be unaware of our reactions and behaviors emanating from these childhood wounds. We have come to a time in our lives where our defense mechanisms no longer serve the function they did when we were small. They were a key to our survival as children, but become a burden to us as adults. They may be inhibiting our ability to feel warmth, love and intimacy. We may be unable to feel comfortable in close relationships. We may find ourselves in a series of partnerships that inevitably end painfully. We may believe being in a relationship filled with drama and pain is being in love.

There is hope. We do not have to continue on this path throughout our lives.
To be continued tomorrow...

Communication

Why is it that so often in relationships we have confusion between partners? How can we improve our time together? The one answer is communication. Although we both speak the same language, be it English or another, the meaning we assign to the words may differ according to our family of origin and culture. We may say the same words, but mean very different things by them. The result of this truth is that partners may believe that they are understood, when in fact their meaning has not actually been grasped. The outcome of this confusion is often an argument. Partners can feel any range of feelings: misunderstood, ignored, used, frustrated, angry, shamed or shocked by the response they receive.

How can we make ourselves understood? We can improve communication by learning some basic tools. We make a commitment to listen to our partner until they are finished with their thought, without forming a response. We allow ourselves to absorb what is being said to us completely. We can always take a moment to process what has been said when our partner has finished. We respond by using "I" statements. We focus on ourselves and our response to the situation as well as our feelings, while allowing our partner to have their response and feelings as well. By validating our partners feelings, we give them the gift of being heard. We cannot control what they think and feel. We let them know that they are entitled to have their feelings without restriction or shame. Once our partner feels truly heard, they may be more open to hearing us.

If we have not succeeded in clearing up the confusion with this tool we have others at our disposal. We can use "dialogue" as a communication enhancement. We listen to our partner fully, then restate what has been said in our own words. Our partner then tells us if we have understood completely. If we have not, they make further clarifications and we try again. Finally we will fully understand what has been said, along with all the underlying meaning. This process may feel awkward at first, but produces results. And isn't that is what we are after?