One of the most respected authors in the recovery field, Melody Beattie, said... Everything I have ever let go of has had claw marks on it.
Learning to let go is a lifelong process. The earliest lessons in our lives occur within our family of origin. These lessons teach us basic skills... what love feels like... how to relate to others... survival. When our family of origin is dysfunctional in some way we still learn lessons... but those lessons may be skewed. Instead of learning that love is positive and pleasurable we may learn that love equals pain. We may learn that interpersonal interaction include habits that no longer work... sending mixed messages... inability to communicate... fear of intimacy. These defense mechanisms probably served us well in the past... kept us safe... allowed us to survive in a dysfunctional environment. But these same defenses may be responsible for sabotaging our relationships in the present.
Letting go of outdated habits and defense mechanisms is hard work... but something we must strive to accomplish if we wish to succeed in our personal lives. We struggle to let go and get past the fears that keep us in emotional bondage. Lessons present themselves throughout our lives. If we pay attention and seek to learn we will grow and overcome. The lessons may be difficult but what we learn is worth the trials. Eventually we feel gratefulness for the guidance and wisdom the lessons provide. These lessons prepare us for the eventuality of letting go of this life.
Practicing self care... learning to pay attention to the lessons when we suffer losses... learning to let go... becoming grateful for the wisdom imparted via life's lessons... these are the goals of recovery.
Showing posts with label defense mechanisms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label defense mechanisms. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Why Don't I Feel For My Partner Any Longer?
What happened to the feelings we used to have for one another in our relationship? Where did they go? Can we get back to a place where we can feel that way again?
We must try to understand that our feelings didn't just vanish overnight. They faded away a little at a time over the years as we and our partner built walls not bridges, with the communications we shared. Those walls are made of bricks crafted of disappointment, bitterness, resentments, hurts, loss, pain, rejection and uncertainty.
Since it took years to create those walls we cannot expect them to come down quickly. The mortar that holds those bricks together is formed from defense mechanisms that each of us have learned during our time together to protect ourselves from further pain and loss.
The reason we don't "feel anything" for our partner right now, is because we have experienced so much pain, loss and disappointment... that our defense mechanisms have sprung up to protect us... in this way we don't feel anything at all... we're numb.
It's easier to be numb than to feel pain. But remember, numb means we don't feel joy (or love) either. In order to begin to "feel" for our partner again, we are going to have to experience the backlog of frozen feelings that we have been avoiding through being numb. Once we have cleared through all that frozen pain, loss, disappointment and whatever else is in there... quite a lot of work... we will begin to experience our emotions once again.
This is not a task for the faint hearted. Facing all the "stuff" that we have denied and allowed our defenses to freeze will be a courageous experience like none other we have undertaken in our adult life.
BUT... it is a journey worth every ounce of effort. It will bring us to a place of peace unlike anything we have ever experienced. Good luck to each of us as we embark on our journey... and all our hopes that we find ourselves through this process of recovery.
We must try to understand that our feelings didn't just vanish overnight. They faded away a little at a time over the years as we and our partner built walls not bridges, with the communications we shared. Those walls are made of bricks crafted of disappointment, bitterness, resentments, hurts, loss, pain, rejection and uncertainty.
Since it took years to create those walls we cannot expect them to come down quickly. The mortar that holds those bricks together is formed from defense mechanisms that each of us have learned during our time together to protect ourselves from further pain and loss.
The reason we don't "feel anything" for our partner right now, is because we have experienced so much pain, loss and disappointment... that our defense mechanisms have sprung up to protect us... in this way we don't feel anything at all... we're numb.
It's easier to be numb than to feel pain. But remember, numb means we don't feel joy (or love) either. In order to begin to "feel" for our partner again, we are going to have to experience the backlog of frozen feelings that we have been avoiding through being numb. Once we have cleared through all that frozen pain, loss, disappointment and whatever else is in there... quite a lot of work... we will begin to experience our emotions once again.
This is not a task for the faint hearted. Facing all the "stuff" that we have denied and allowed our defenses to freeze will be a courageous experience like none other we have undertaken in our adult life.
BUT... it is a journey worth every ounce of effort. It will bring us to a place of peace unlike anything we have ever experienced. Good luck to each of us as we embark on our journey... and all our hopes that we find ourselves through this process of recovery.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Am I Angry or Enraged?
I like to think of anger as a stop sign. It is a signal to us that someone or something has crossed our boundary or violated our values. If we ignore our anger and internalize it we eventually experience it coming out sidways... possibly passive aggressively, making ourselves sick, or a multitude of other avenues.
Anger is the tip of the emotional iceberg. Most of the time is it our defense mechanism rising up to protect us from experiencing deeper feelings... like fear, loss, saddness. That's why I like to call it a stop sign. If we stop and consider, why am I angry? We may get a chance to know ourselves better. We may be able to realize a deeper feeling underneath the anger and address an unresolved issue.
There is another form... rage. Rage is very different from anger. Rage is not a response to a current boundary incursion or value violation. Rage is a response to a trigger from the past. When we react toward current events with rage we are reacting to something that happened long ago that has remained unresolved.
Rage feels different than anger. It rises us from the depths of our toes, it burns like a fire, we feel it bubble and boil in our guts. Rage causes us to react with a 10 when a 2 is appropriate. Rage is a signal that we have been triggered and have an unresolved issue that needs attention.
Anger has a place in relationships. When we are angry we can take some time to think about our situation, figure out why we feel the way we do, then choose to do something about it.
Rage has no place in relationships. Rage is a destructive force that injures both parties causing resentment and bitterness over time. Rage is a form of abuse.
Anger is the tip of the emotional iceberg. Most of the time is it our defense mechanism rising up to protect us from experiencing deeper feelings... like fear, loss, saddness. That's why I like to call it a stop sign. If we stop and consider, why am I angry? We may get a chance to know ourselves better. We may be able to realize a deeper feeling underneath the anger and address an unresolved issue.
There is another form... rage. Rage is very different from anger. Rage is not a response to a current boundary incursion or value violation. Rage is a response to a trigger from the past. When we react toward current events with rage we are reacting to something that happened long ago that has remained unresolved.
Rage feels different than anger. It rises us from the depths of our toes, it burns like a fire, we feel it bubble and boil in our guts. Rage causes us to react with a 10 when a 2 is appropriate. Rage is a signal that we have been triggered and have an unresolved issue that needs attention.
Anger has a place in relationships. When we are angry we can take some time to think about our situation, figure out why we feel the way we do, then choose to do something about it.
Rage has no place in relationships. Rage is a destructive force that injures both parties causing resentment and bitterness over time. Rage is a form of abuse.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Why Can't I Clear Out The Fog?
Why is it that we can clearly see problems and solutions for others and yet when our own difficulties come into play we often remain in a fog?
We have the ability to practice a form of mental self defense where we either deny a challenge exists all together, or we rationalize away its severity. We may intellectualize our issues, not allowing ourselves to feel our emotions fully. We may do this to minimize pain and loss, or in an attempt to keep ourselves from recognizing the truth of our situation.
We may have begun learning this defense mechanism when we were children. If we lived in a family of origin where there was a great deal of chaos we may have needed this defense in order to survive. As we grow into adults we may find that our old defense mechanisms have begun to hinder our ability to fully participate in our own lives. We may be incapable of recognizing when we are being treated poorly. We may be unable to experience joy. We may be marching through life in a state of suspended emotional animation, existing, but not living.
When we begin our walk on the path of recovery we may initially find our emotions overwhelming and feel incapable of handling the waves of feelings that surge through our minds and bodies. As time progresses we become more comfortable within ourselves and feel capable of handling our strong emotions. We may recall that as children we may have had no one to guide us through the maze of our own feelings. They may have been strong and frightening, so we locked them away. Now that we are adults we can unlock those stored childhood feelings, process them in our adult minds and allow them to become a part of us.
In healthy families adults model appropriate reactions to strong emotions by regulating their responses. In dysfunctional families there may be no responsible adult present to serve as role model. The only model we see may be an emotionally frightened or enraged caretaker who is incapable of managing their own feelings and is acting out. If we grow up in an environment such as this, it is no wonder why we, as adults, may feel overwhelmed by strong emotions.
Learning to properly respond to feelings and challenges is a skill that is developed over years of observing role models and experimenting with our own abilities. If we have not developed these skills in childhood we may be emotionally immature.
We can learn the skills necessary to function in a healthy manner in all our interactions. It may take practice, learning new skills and a great deal of failure before we finally become adept at handling our strong feelings appropriately, but we can master the necessary skills with time and practice.
We have the ability to practice a form of mental self defense where we either deny a challenge exists all together, or we rationalize away its severity. We may intellectualize our issues, not allowing ourselves to feel our emotions fully. We may do this to minimize pain and loss, or in an attempt to keep ourselves from recognizing the truth of our situation.
We may have begun learning this defense mechanism when we were children. If we lived in a family of origin where there was a great deal of chaos we may have needed this defense in order to survive. As we grow into adults we may find that our old defense mechanisms have begun to hinder our ability to fully participate in our own lives. We may be incapable of recognizing when we are being treated poorly. We may be unable to experience joy. We may be marching through life in a state of suspended emotional animation, existing, but not living.
When we begin our walk on the path of recovery we may initially find our emotions overwhelming and feel incapable of handling the waves of feelings that surge through our minds and bodies. As time progresses we become more comfortable within ourselves and feel capable of handling our strong emotions. We may recall that as children we may have had no one to guide us through the maze of our own feelings. They may have been strong and frightening, so we locked them away. Now that we are adults we can unlock those stored childhood feelings, process them in our adult minds and allow them to become a part of us.
In healthy families adults model appropriate reactions to strong emotions by regulating their responses. In dysfunctional families there may be no responsible adult present to serve as role model. The only model we see may be an emotionally frightened or enraged caretaker who is incapable of managing their own feelings and is acting out. If we grow up in an environment such as this, it is no wonder why we, as adults, may feel overwhelmed by strong emotions.
Learning to properly respond to feelings and challenges is a skill that is developed over years of observing role models and experimenting with our own abilities. If we have not developed these skills in childhood we may be emotionally immature.
We can learn the skills necessary to function in a healthy manner in all our interactions. It may take practice, learning new skills and a great deal of failure before we finally become adept at handling our strong feelings appropriately, but we can master the necessary skills with time and practice.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Why Be Compassionate?
What is compassion? Why do we need to feel compassion toward our partner? What happens to us when we are not compassionate?
Compassion is something we feel inside. It is an emotion. It is what it feels like to look at our partner, who has behaved in an uncaring manner, and feel for the loss of self esteem they experience as a result, rather than reacting to the perceived hurt. It means that we give our partner the benefit of the doubt when they behave in ways that may give us pause.
When we are in a committed relationship there will be times when we become irritated with our partner. If we do not deal with these minor irritations in productive ways... effective communication... dialogue... compromise... over time we may become angry and resentful. When we move toward anger we move away from compassion. We begin to see the world in a myopic manner, viewing our own emotions and excluding all else. We may forget that our partner has feelings. When our anger takes over and we focus exclusively on our own feelings we lose our ability to feel compassion. We forget that there are two viewpoints to every situation.
Should we lose our ability to feel compassion, we appear calloused and insensitive toward our partner. This adds nothing but fuel to the fire. Our partner interprets our actions as justification for their own behavior. We have allowed our reaction to create an itch scratch scenario. It no longer matters who instigated the problem, we are now involved in a circular pattern of reactions that continues to feed off itself.
When experiencing strong emotions, as a result of the uncaring behavior of our partner, we may be triggered due to unresolved issues related to our family of origin. These strong emotions may be exaggerated due to our childhood issues. This may lead us to employ defense mechanisms designed to protect us from feeling the fear generated by our early childhood experiences. Although these defenses worked well to ensure our survival during our interactions with our family of origin, they may be hampering our adult interactions with our partner.
We choose to respond rather than react. We realize that our partner may be feeling virtually the same emotions. They too have feelings and may be hurt or upset. We take a deep breath, center ourselves and consider how we appear from their point of view. We then respond with compassion, letting go of our need to defend ourselves against our fear.
Compassion is something we feel inside. It is an emotion. It is what it feels like to look at our partner, who has behaved in an uncaring manner, and feel for the loss of self esteem they experience as a result, rather than reacting to the perceived hurt. It means that we give our partner the benefit of the doubt when they behave in ways that may give us pause.
When we are in a committed relationship there will be times when we become irritated with our partner. If we do not deal with these minor irritations in productive ways... effective communication... dialogue... compromise... over time we may become angry and resentful. When we move toward anger we move away from compassion. We begin to see the world in a myopic manner, viewing our own emotions and excluding all else. We may forget that our partner has feelings. When our anger takes over and we focus exclusively on our own feelings we lose our ability to feel compassion. We forget that there are two viewpoints to every situation.
Should we lose our ability to feel compassion, we appear calloused and insensitive toward our partner. This adds nothing but fuel to the fire. Our partner interprets our actions as justification for their own behavior. We have allowed our reaction to create an itch scratch scenario. It no longer matters who instigated the problem, we are now involved in a circular pattern of reactions that continues to feed off itself.
When experiencing strong emotions, as a result of the uncaring behavior of our partner, we may be triggered due to unresolved issues related to our family of origin. These strong emotions may be exaggerated due to our childhood issues. This may lead us to employ defense mechanisms designed to protect us from feeling the fear generated by our early childhood experiences. Although these defenses worked well to ensure our survival during our interactions with our family of origin, they may be hampering our adult interactions with our partner.
We choose to respond rather than react. We realize that our partner may be feeling virtually the same emotions. They too have feelings and may be hurt or upset. We take a deep breath, center ourselves and consider how we appear from their point of view. We then respond with compassion, letting go of our need to defend ourselves against our fear.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Am I Practicing Self Care or Being Selfish?
Can self care become selfishness? How do we keep ourselves in balance?
Self care is an important part of our recovery effort. We learn to care for ourselves. We set effective boundaries, avoid the drama of others, stay balanced and keep ourselves from becoming overwhelmed in the face of lifes challenges. We practice discernment, use our tools to cope effectively, and in the process increase our self esteem.
As we begin to practice self care and learn to set effective boundaries we change. That change brings discomfort to our partner. We are no longer willing to do things that our partner can and should do for themselves. As a result, we begin to receive change back messages from our partner. This is their response to the stress our changes bring into their life. We exercise patience, showing our partner our committment to our recovery and allowing them the time to catch up. We use discernment to detect when we are being drawn into the drama of others, keeping ourselves in balance. When we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed as a result of the strength of our emotions, we use our tools to bring ourselves back into balance, recognizing that we cannot effectively help our partner to cope when we ourselves are overwhelmed.
As long as our self care is focused on achieving balance for the purpose of being able to be emotionally present in our relationship with our partner, as well as for our overall health, we will be practicing self care and not selfishness. When we allow our defense mechanisms and fear to control us, we lose sight of healthy boundaries and begin to focus too much on ourselves and our issues. When that happens too often, we may fail to be emotionally present for our partner and our relationship. We cannot be centered at all times, but we can strive for balance in a consistent manner.
During our growth and change our partner may feel unsure of our relationship. We take the initiative, reaffirming our love and devotion to both our partner and our relationship, allowing our partner to take these new patterns of interacting in stride. We recall that change creates discomfort and unease and give our partner plenty of time and the space necessary to adapt.
As we walk our path of recovery we find that we take three steps forward and two back testing our resolve and misstepping frequently. We will learn slowly, carefully, in our own time, how to maintain balance without seeming insensitive or too self involved. Recovery may not be easy, but we find that the rewards are well worth the effort as we feel our self esteem grow stronger day by day.
Self care is an important part of our recovery effort. We learn to care for ourselves. We set effective boundaries, avoid the drama of others, stay balanced and keep ourselves from becoming overwhelmed in the face of lifes challenges. We practice discernment, use our tools to cope effectively, and in the process increase our self esteem.
As we begin to practice self care and learn to set effective boundaries we change. That change brings discomfort to our partner. We are no longer willing to do things that our partner can and should do for themselves. As a result, we begin to receive change back messages from our partner. This is their response to the stress our changes bring into their life. We exercise patience, showing our partner our committment to our recovery and allowing them the time to catch up. We use discernment to detect when we are being drawn into the drama of others, keeping ourselves in balance. When we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed as a result of the strength of our emotions, we use our tools to bring ourselves back into balance, recognizing that we cannot effectively help our partner to cope when we ourselves are overwhelmed.
As long as our self care is focused on achieving balance for the purpose of being able to be emotionally present in our relationship with our partner, as well as for our overall health, we will be practicing self care and not selfishness. When we allow our defense mechanisms and fear to control us, we lose sight of healthy boundaries and begin to focus too much on ourselves and our issues. When that happens too often, we may fail to be emotionally present for our partner and our relationship. We cannot be centered at all times, but we can strive for balance in a consistent manner.
During our growth and change our partner may feel unsure of our relationship. We take the initiative, reaffirming our love and devotion to both our partner and our relationship, allowing our partner to take these new patterns of interacting in stride. We recall that change creates discomfort and unease and give our partner plenty of time and the space necessary to adapt.
As we walk our path of recovery we find that we take three steps forward and two back testing our resolve and misstepping frequently. We will learn slowly, carefully, in our own time, how to maintain balance without seeming insensitive or too self involved. Recovery may not be easy, but we find that the rewards are well worth the effort as we feel our self esteem grow stronger day by day.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Lying, Insecurity and Alcoholism
When faced with a situation where our partner feels insecure or unsure they lie. We have discovered that their parent(s) were alcoholics. What happens to us when we are raised in an environment where one or both of our caretakers are alcoholics? Is this an underlying reason for their habit of lying?
There is a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that is a 12 Step Program based on the principles of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that has a great deal of information about behavior patterns in adult children. This is the place to begin our journey for answers.
Lying is often related to self esteem issues. That doesn't mean that there can't be more serious problems, but generally when alcoholism is involved, so is self esteem. Very often adult children grow up in constant chaos as their alcoholic parent(s) drinks themselves into oblivion in front of them. Our partner may never have felt safe or secure in their early lives. They may have lived in a home that was always in a shambles either physically, emotionally or both.
The effect of having a parent who is an alcoholic cannot be underestimated. Very often children in alcoholic homes never learn to self soothe. They don't have parents who set appropriate limits and boundaries so they never learn what acceptable behavior looks like. They may be aware that they don't have appropriate social skills but have no clue where to find out how to behave.
There is great hope in counseling for ACOA. Many have been able to recover from the trauma of their childhoods due to alcoholic family members. It may take time and a great deal of patience by both our counselor and our partner. This type of recovery program may involve us learning to set boundaries and limits with our partner as well as our partner learning to face their fears and allow themselves to be seen for who they are without the masks. Our partner has lived without consequences for lying for most of their adult life. That will have to change.
The fact that our partner doesn't react with emotion may mean that they have learned how to stop feeling. As a result of the pain of trauma during childhood, our partner has chosen to freeze all feelings rather than face them. This is common in trauma survivors. As children they needed this defense mechanism to survive. Now as adults, it no longer serves a purpose and is actually the cause of difficulties occurring in our relationship. As they defrost and begin to feel again they can become very depressed and/or angry for a while as they process all the pain and loss they have been supressing.
That can be a very difficult time for both our partner and ourselves. Recall that our partner has some very positive qualities that we value... loyalty, humbleness, deference, good heartedness, excellent business person, handsome looking. Our partner is also intelligent and capable. These are some very positive statements. We must recall that we love our partner very much. There is a question we ask partners in couples counseling...
Are we happy with our relationship at least 50% of the time?
Remember, this isn't just about the flaws our partner has... we all have some real whoppers... our partner needs to learn judgement and appropriate behavior in a safe environment.
There is much benefit for us to be found in doing some reading on ACOA. There are some excellent materials available in bookstores, online through Amazon and at ACOA meetings. Here is the link to ACOA http://www.adultchildren.org/ . Click on "the problem" in the first paragraph to learn about the disease and what it feels like for the adult child. Here is a link for some recovery books. http://www.cyberus.ca/~rocksoft/teddysrule/readings/re_bibli.html
There is a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that is a 12 Step Program based on the principles of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that has a great deal of information about behavior patterns in adult children. This is the place to begin our journey for answers.
Lying is often related to self esteem issues. That doesn't mean that there can't be more serious problems, but generally when alcoholism is involved, so is self esteem. Very often adult children grow up in constant chaos as their alcoholic parent(s) drinks themselves into oblivion in front of them. Our partner may never have felt safe or secure in their early lives. They may have lived in a home that was always in a shambles either physically, emotionally or both.
The effect of having a parent who is an alcoholic cannot be underestimated. Very often children in alcoholic homes never learn to self soothe. They don't have parents who set appropriate limits and boundaries so they never learn what acceptable behavior looks like. They may be aware that they don't have appropriate social skills but have no clue where to find out how to behave.
There is great hope in counseling for ACOA. Many have been able to recover from the trauma of their childhoods due to alcoholic family members. It may take time and a great deal of patience by both our counselor and our partner. This type of recovery program may involve us learning to set boundaries and limits with our partner as well as our partner learning to face their fears and allow themselves to be seen for who they are without the masks. Our partner has lived without consequences for lying for most of their adult life. That will have to change.
The fact that our partner doesn't react with emotion may mean that they have learned how to stop feeling. As a result of the pain of trauma during childhood, our partner has chosen to freeze all feelings rather than face them. This is common in trauma survivors. As children they needed this defense mechanism to survive. Now as adults, it no longer serves a purpose and is actually the cause of difficulties occurring in our relationship. As they defrost and begin to feel again they can become very depressed and/or angry for a while as they process all the pain and loss they have been supressing.
That can be a very difficult time for both our partner and ourselves. Recall that our partner has some very positive qualities that we value... loyalty, humbleness, deference, good heartedness, excellent business person, handsome looking. Our partner is also intelligent and capable. These are some very positive statements. We must recall that we love our partner very much. There is a question we ask partners in couples counseling...
Are we happy with our relationship at least 50% of the time?
Remember, this isn't just about the flaws our partner has... we all have some real whoppers... our partner needs to learn judgement and appropriate behavior in a safe environment.
There is much benefit for us to be found in doing some reading on ACOA. There are some excellent materials available in bookstores, online through Amazon and at ACOA meetings. Here is the link to ACOA http://www.adultchildren.org/ . Click on "the problem" in the first paragraph to learn about the disease and what it feels like for the adult child. Here is a link for some recovery books. http://www.cyberus.ca/~rocksoft/teddysrule/readings/re_bibli.html
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I'm Unhappy, Why Can't I Leave?
These questions deserve an answer. When we enter into a relationship we enjoy the newly found pleasurable interactions. Our brain reacts to this exchange by releasing dopamine, a neurotransmitter in the brain, when the nucleus accumbens or pleasure center is stimulated. Dopamine is a feel good chemical in the body. Therefore the more we experience good times with our new partner the more dopamine we produce, and the more pleasure we feel.
The prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of the brain, is concerned with rational decision making and long term consequences. The prefrontal cortex tracks every moment spent with our new partner. As our relationship continues over the years, we begin to notice more and more instances when our partner is irritating. This irritation causes the amount of dopamine produced by our now less stimulated pleasure center to drop. We don't feel as good as we did before. The thinking brain begins to weigh the decision to remain in the relationship against the amount of pleasure received. As dopamine levels drop further, the thinking brain begins to lean toward the decision of leaving the relationship.
However this part of the brain doesn't make all the decisions alone. The pleasure center has developed an attachment as a result of all the dopamine released over the years. Now whenever dopamine is released the pleasure center revels in its arrival with strong good feelings. We have become hooked on our addiction to dopamine and the resultant good feelings.
Another area of the brain which weighs in during decision making is the amygdala. The amygdala formulates decisions based on impulse and emotion. This may account for our tendency to feel the urge to run when the going gets tough, or to stay when the relationship is proceeding smoothly.
Over time as the relationship degrades we receive less and less dopamine forcing our pleasure center to starve. The amygdala weighs in on the decision impulsively, first one way then another. The thinking brain begins to make the decision that leaving the relationship is the logical course of action. Different parts of the brain begin working toward determining the best outcome. When these parts disagree, as in the thinking brain, amygdala and the pleasure center, we experience cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance exists when we hold two contradictory ideas in our mind at the same time. This may cause us to experience uncomfortable feelings such as: anxiety, shame, anger and stress. At this point we have two choices, we can reconcile our ideas and make a decision that we feel is in our best interest, or we can begin to rationalize. If we choose to rationalize - creating false reasons or justifications to support a decision we know is not in our best interest - this can lead to confirmation bias and defense mechanisms kicking it to support the ego.
Overall we discover that a seemingly simple decision, leaving a relationship that is causing unhappiness and pain, is not easy. The loss of the good feelings we initially experienced in the relationship coupled with attachment, causes unhappiness and pain. When the pain of staying in the relationship is outweighed by the pain of leaving the relationship, we continue to stay, waiting for the occasional burst of dopamine. As the relationship collapses and the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving, we eventually make the choice to move on.
Although we will experience pain and loss in either instance, the short term pain of severing the ties with our partner will decrease over time and we will once again begin the task of rebuilding our self esteem and using our tools to ensure our recovery.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
How Can I Practice Self Care in My Relationship?
One of the first things we learn in recovery is that we can't control anyone but ourselves. Once we let go of trying to control people, things and outcomes, we have a much better chance at changing the one thing we do have control over... ourselves.
Owning our power, as opposed to giving it to our partner in the form of seeking approval, is one example of self care. We begin to complete our daily activities for our own reasons, to please ourselves, rather than to glean an approving nod or comment from our partner. When we place our partner in the role of judge, we give away our power.
The acronym H.A.L.T.S. is an effective way to remember areas that may provide room for conflict... hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad or scared. These six key areas may be triggers, leading us to use defense mechanisms to ease our discomfort. Recognizing that we are experiencing one of these feelings may be a boost to self understanding. We can practice self care (eat when hungry, take a time out for anger, call a friend if lonely, nap if tired, figure out why we are sad or scared and allow ourselves to be vulnerable by sharing) before we react to our partner, possibly avoiding negative interactions.
Some things in relationships are unchangeable. Basic personality traits of our partner may be something we must learn to accept, whether we are thrilled by all of them or not. For some, gratefulness is a way out. Gratefulness allow us to be aware of the blessings we already have and helps us to focus our attention in those areas. Once we are truly grateful for the blessings we already have in our lives, we are ripe for receiving more. It may help to keep a gratefulness journal where we write down five things for which we are grateful each day before bed. Over time we see that we have a full and wonderful life. This journal can be a great tool to read when we are feeling upset or out of balance and want to center ourselves.
The habit of keeping score is common in relationships. It can create difficulties for many reasons. When we lose sight of our contribution within the grand scheme of things, when we begin to see ourselves as the victim, we have become out of balance. We begin to focus on taking care of ourselves and practice using our tools in our daily lives, we may begin to give up the practice of keeping score. We realize that we are once again trying to control people, things and outcomes. We practice letting go and allowing outcomes to develop naturally along with gratefulness for all that we have been given in this world.
We are on the road to a wonderfully balanced inter-dependent relationship. The kind that brings much joy to partners. We work toward receiving the many blessings that a fulfilling relationship and life together has to offer!
Owning our power, as opposed to giving it to our partner in the form of seeking approval, is one example of self care. We begin to complete our daily activities for our own reasons, to please ourselves, rather than to glean an approving nod or comment from our partner. When we place our partner in the role of judge, we give away our power.
The acronym H.A.L.T.S. is an effective way to remember areas that may provide room for conflict... hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad or scared. These six key areas may be triggers, leading us to use defense mechanisms to ease our discomfort. Recognizing that we are experiencing one of these feelings may be a boost to self understanding. We can practice self care (eat when hungry, take a time out for anger, call a friend if lonely, nap if tired, figure out why we are sad or scared and allow ourselves to be vulnerable by sharing) before we react to our partner, possibly avoiding negative interactions.
Some things in relationships are unchangeable. Basic personality traits of our partner may be something we must learn to accept, whether we are thrilled by all of them or not. For some, gratefulness is a way out. Gratefulness allow us to be aware of the blessings we already have and helps us to focus our attention in those areas. Once we are truly grateful for the blessings we already have in our lives, we are ripe for receiving more. It may help to keep a gratefulness journal where we write down five things for which we are grateful each day before bed. Over time we see that we have a full and wonderful life. This journal can be a great tool to read when we are feeling upset or out of balance and want to center ourselves.
The habit of keeping score is common in relationships. It can create difficulties for many reasons. When we lose sight of our contribution within the grand scheme of things, when we begin to see ourselves as the victim, we have become out of balance. We begin to focus on taking care of ourselves and practice using our tools in our daily lives, we may begin to give up the practice of keeping score. We realize that we are once again trying to control people, things and outcomes. We practice letting go and allowing outcomes to develop naturally along with gratefulness for all that we have been given in this world.
We are on the road to a wonderfully balanced inter-dependent relationship. The kind that brings much joy to partners. We work toward receiving the many blessings that a fulfilling relationship and life together has to offer!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
New Fox Reality Show - The Blame Game
This year Fox will present a new reality show called the Blame Game. In the past we have had the Newlywed Game and Family Feud. The benefit of the Blame Game is that everyone already knows how to play, since we have all played the home version.
That sounds funny, right? But funny it isn't. The truth is we all have played the blame game over the course of our relationships. We might have felt better in that moment, wagging our pointer finger at our partner and revelling in our righteous indignation, but we accomplished only one thing. We fueled the fires of resentment and bitterness. Since our goal is to improve our relationship with our partner, the reality is that the blame game has no place in our lives. It is a defense mechanism left over from our childhoods.
Children often play the blame game, and play it well. Siblings learn quickly how to escape punishment from caretakers by blaming their antics on one another. Teens blame their rebellion on the difference in privileges between their home and the home of their friends. By the time we reach adulthood it is time to leave the blame game behind.
Partners may blame one another for difficulties in the relationship forgetting that the saying, "It takes two to tango" often applies. In a misunderstanding or disagreement, both parties generally share responsibility whether equally or not. Focusing on coming to an agreement is a more productive path rather than bickering about who was more at fault. In the end, personal responsibility and acknowledgement occur only in an atmosphere of acceptance, flexibility and open communication.
It is important to recall, especially when we are in the midst of a disagreement, that we can disagree but do not have to become disagreeable. Playing the blame game is disagreeable, accomplishes nothing toward the goal of bettering our relationship and builds walls, not bridges.
We all are fallible. If we treat one another with respect we will reap the reward of being respected. We allow our partner the dignity of making mistakes without losing self esteem. This small gift gives our relationship solidity. We do not want to be denigrated when we stumble. We treat our partner the way we wish to be treated when we falter.
We practice tolerance, patience and gentleness in our daily lives. We try to leave everything a little bit better than we find it. As we use our tools and increase our own self esteem we will be better able to give our partner dignity and respect even in the face of disagreement. We practice self care curbing our tendency to react vs respond. In this way we give ourselves the gift of a dignified and respectful relationship.
That sounds funny, right? But funny it isn't. The truth is we all have played the blame game over the course of our relationships. We might have felt better in that moment, wagging our pointer finger at our partner and revelling in our righteous indignation, but we accomplished only one thing. We fueled the fires of resentment and bitterness. Since our goal is to improve our relationship with our partner, the reality is that the blame game has no place in our lives. It is a defense mechanism left over from our childhoods.
Children often play the blame game, and play it well. Siblings learn quickly how to escape punishment from caretakers by blaming their antics on one another. Teens blame their rebellion on the difference in privileges between their home and the home of their friends. By the time we reach adulthood it is time to leave the blame game behind.
Partners may blame one another for difficulties in the relationship forgetting that the saying, "It takes two to tango" often applies. In a misunderstanding or disagreement, both parties generally share responsibility whether equally or not. Focusing on coming to an agreement is a more productive path rather than bickering about who was more at fault. In the end, personal responsibility and acknowledgement occur only in an atmosphere of acceptance, flexibility and open communication.
It is important to recall, especially when we are in the midst of a disagreement, that we can disagree but do not have to become disagreeable. Playing the blame game is disagreeable, accomplishes nothing toward the goal of bettering our relationship and builds walls, not bridges.
We all are fallible. If we treat one another with respect we will reap the reward of being respected. We allow our partner the dignity of making mistakes without losing self esteem. This small gift gives our relationship solidity. We do not want to be denigrated when we stumble. We treat our partner the way we wish to be treated when we falter.
We practice tolerance, patience and gentleness in our daily lives. We try to leave everything a little bit better than we find it. As we use our tools and increase our own self esteem we will be better able to give our partner dignity and respect even in the face of disagreement. We practice self care curbing our tendency to react vs respond. In this way we give ourselves the gift of a dignified and respectful relationship.
Friday, June 19, 2009
I Cheated... I'm Sorry... Is That Enough?
These are a selection of comments made to a self admitted cheater who got caught and is now trying to save his relationship. [Details omitted to protect the privacy of those involved.] We can all benefit from reviewing the cost of hurting our partner in this way. Many of us have had difficulties in our relationships. This is clearly not the way to solve problems. Cheating is not a solution, but an additional problem. The overall question is, what does one do to rebuild once the bombshell has dropped? Here are some observations.
"You are clearly intelligent, well spoken and capable of communication. Thus far what I have seen, reflects a man who may be in mid-life crisis. It is not uncommon for folks to face this at about your age. Have you considered this?"
"Due to your intellect you have been able, thus far, to rationalize your actions. This is not a plus. Staying in your head keeps you out of touch with yourself and doesn't allow you to feel the enormity of the situation. Intellectualizing is a defense mechanism. Are you using it?"
"We all have stress in our lives that may at times cause us to feel depressed. How we respond to that stress indicates who we are when no one is looking. Many men at mid life, reacting to the inevitability of aging, begin affairs in order to affirm their virility. Is that what you are doing?"
"You have gone to great lengths to discuss the fact that you are now having open and honest communication with your wife. Please think about the virtue of honesty vs the abuse of that virtue in looking for her to absolve you of your failure to keep your commitment. It seems that you are looking to your wife to cleanse you of your defective behavior. If that is the case, please know that it is not her responsibility to forgive you so that you can feel better. If she chooses forgiveness it is solely for her benefit. Is that what you are doing?"
"You must find your own path to forgiveness with your higher power for your actions. This is difficult and painful as it requires you to accept that you have placed yourself before others in every aspect of your life. You currently believe that you have taken nothing from your family in pursuing this intentional course of action. Please do not deceive yourself in this way. Do you think you are doing that?"
"You will need to accept the fact that you have behaved dysfunctionally and that as a result of your actions you have caused great harm to both your wife and your children. Please don't think they are unaware of what has happened. They may not know details, but they surely know that a bombshell has dropped. You and your wife are seeing a counselor. That is a necessary first step. What about your children? They need counseling as well. Have you taken care of that?"
"You have written that you still have the urge to visit the old ways. This indicates some level of addiction. You will need to address these addictive behaviors directly within an appropriate setting. Are you doing that?"
"There are many unanswered questions. Please take the time to think about them. They are vital to your mental health. Are you willing to do that?"
We work hard to recover from relationship trauma. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We seek a path which we walk one step at a time, sometimes not knowing where we are headed. We reach out to our higher power in faith that we will be better persons for the effort. We humble ourselves in admitting our faults and seeing ourselves as we are. This road that we walk is worth every bit of effort. If we ever doubt the truth of our recovery we can read this post and recall that "there but for the grace of God, go I".
"You are clearly intelligent, well spoken and capable of communication. Thus far what I have seen, reflects a man who may be in mid-life crisis. It is not uncommon for folks to face this at about your age. Have you considered this?"
"Due to your intellect you have been able, thus far, to rationalize your actions. This is not a plus. Staying in your head keeps you out of touch with yourself and doesn't allow you to feel the enormity of the situation. Intellectualizing is a defense mechanism. Are you using it?"
"We all have stress in our lives that may at times cause us to feel depressed. How we respond to that stress indicates who we are when no one is looking. Many men at mid life, reacting to the inevitability of aging, begin affairs in order to affirm their virility. Is that what you are doing?"
"You have gone to great lengths to discuss the fact that you are now having open and honest communication with your wife. Please think about the virtue of honesty vs the abuse of that virtue in looking for her to absolve you of your failure to keep your commitment. It seems that you are looking to your wife to cleanse you of your defective behavior. If that is the case, please know that it is not her responsibility to forgive you so that you can feel better. If she chooses forgiveness it is solely for her benefit. Is that what you are doing?"
"You must find your own path to forgiveness with your higher power for your actions. This is difficult and painful as it requires you to accept that you have placed yourself before others in every aspect of your life. You currently believe that you have taken nothing from your family in pursuing this intentional course of action. Please do not deceive yourself in this way. Do you think you are doing that?"
"You will need to accept the fact that you have behaved dysfunctionally and that as a result of your actions you have caused great harm to both your wife and your children. Please don't think they are unaware of what has happened. They may not know details, but they surely know that a bombshell has dropped. You and your wife are seeing a counselor. That is a necessary first step. What about your children? They need counseling as well. Have you taken care of that?"
"You have written that you still have the urge to visit the old ways. This indicates some level of addiction. You will need to address these addictive behaviors directly within an appropriate setting. Are you doing that?"
"There are many unanswered questions. Please take the time to think about them. They are vital to your mental health. Are you willing to do that?"
We work hard to recover from relationship trauma. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We seek a path which we walk one step at a time, sometimes not knowing where we are headed. We reach out to our higher power in faith that we will be better persons for the effort. We humble ourselves in admitting our faults and seeing ourselves as we are. This road that we walk is worth every bit of effort. If we ever doubt the truth of our recovery we can read this post and recall that "there but for the grace of God, go I".
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Processing Grief
Working through grief is one of the most difficult challenges we face in our lives. When we lose someone we love, whether through death, divorce or simply a relationship that ends, we can feel a great deal of pain and anguish. It may be helpful during grieving to be aware that there is a range of reactions, and that all may be part of the process.
Initially there is a reaction of shock at the severity of the loss. We may embrace denial in the form of, "Why is this happening to me?". Our feelings may be numb or we may not yet fully comprehend the loss itself. Wishing to return to life before the loss is a common response as well. The overwhelming pain has not been fully processed at this stage. Denial is our defense mechanism protecting our psyche from the full brunt of the loss.
Eventually we can no longer deny what has happened. At this point we may begin to feel angry. We may be angry at the person we have lost, angry with our higher power, angry with other loved ones in our lives for their perceived part in the loss. We may remain angry for an extended period of time as we grapple with the seriousness of what has transpired. Anger too is a defense against the overwhelming feelings of loss.
After a time of extended anger we may move into bargaining. We are trying to mitigate the loss. This is a time of rationalizing and trading. If we have lost someone we love we may attempt reconciliation even if it is against our best interest to do so. If someone has passed away we may attempt in vain to bargain with our higher power for their return.
When we have passed the stage of needing our defense mechanisms and are finally faced with the full brunt of our loss we face depression. We may feel incredibly sad, hopeless, numb, filled with despair or even suicidal at times. We are overwhelmed with grief and the loss of both the person, and the dreams and hopes we held onto in the relationship. This is an extremely painful and vulnerable time. We may need help at this juncture to cope with the extent of the loss. It is important that we allow ourselves to grieve and give ourselves time to heal our wounds.
Finally we come to acceptance. We cannot change what has happened. We take the best memories we have and continue with our lives. If we have lost someone we love due to divorce or the ending of a relationship this may be the time we come to terms with the facts. We let go of blame and retribution and begin the process of healing in earnest. If someone has passed away we enjoy the memories we have of the wonderful times we shared while they were on this earth. In this way we keep their memory alive in our hearts and keep them close to us in thought.
The transition from relationship to loss can be overwhelming and painful. We do not have to make the journey alone. There are support groups available at most major hospitals and religious institutions. There is support in counseling and online. Trying to handle grief alone may be overwhelming and lead to isolation and long term depression.
It is common to feel like we may not survive serious loss, but we will begin to feel better. We may find we have mostly sad days initially, but over time we will begin to have better days until finally we have settled into our lives again. With the help of our family, friends, support system and our higher power we will triumph over loss and once again feel a part of life.
Initially there is a reaction of shock at the severity of the loss. We may embrace denial in the form of, "Why is this happening to me?". Our feelings may be numb or we may not yet fully comprehend the loss itself. Wishing to return to life before the loss is a common response as well. The overwhelming pain has not been fully processed at this stage. Denial is our defense mechanism protecting our psyche from the full brunt of the loss.
Eventually we can no longer deny what has happened. At this point we may begin to feel angry. We may be angry at the person we have lost, angry with our higher power, angry with other loved ones in our lives for their perceived part in the loss. We may remain angry for an extended period of time as we grapple with the seriousness of what has transpired. Anger too is a defense against the overwhelming feelings of loss.
After a time of extended anger we may move into bargaining. We are trying to mitigate the loss. This is a time of rationalizing and trading. If we have lost someone we love we may attempt reconciliation even if it is against our best interest to do so. If someone has passed away we may attempt in vain to bargain with our higher power for their return.
When we have passed the stage of needing our defense mechanisms and are finally faced with the full brunt of our loss we face depression. We may feel incredibly sad, hopeless, numb, filled with despair or even suicidal at times. We are overwhelmed with grief and the loss of both the person, and the dreams and hopes we held onto in the relationship. This is an extremely painful and vulnerable time. We may need help at this juncture to cope with the extent of the loss. It is important that we allow ourselves to grieve and give ourselves time to heal our wounds.
Finally we come to acceptance. We cannot change what has happened. We take the best memories we have and continue with our lives. If we have lost someone we love due to divorce or the ending of a relationship this may be the time we come to terms with the facts. We let go of blame and retribution and begin the process of healing in earnest. If someone has passed away we enjoy the memories we have of the wonderful times we shared while they were on this earth. In this way we keep their memory alive in our hearts and keep them close to us in thought.
The transition from relationship to loss can be overwhelming and painful. We do not have to make the journey alone. There are support groups available at most major hospitals and religious institutions. There is support in counseling and online. Trying to handle grief alone may be overwhelming and lead to isolation and long term depression.
It is common to feel like we may not survive serious loss, but we will begin to feel better. We may find we have mostly sad days initially, but over time we will begin to have better days until finally we have settled into our lives again. With the help of our family, friends, support system and our higher power we will triumph over loss and once again feel a part of life.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Cloaking Vulnerability with Anger
Some of the most important issues responsible for anger, particularly in men, are fear and shame. Feelings of inadequacy may be a trigger to his anger because those feelings of inadequacy are either shame or fear based. Resentments in a relationship may often be a result of building walls instead of bridges where feelings of inadequacy spur shame and fear. But, the underlying cause is still shame and fear. The resentment may be the symptom, not the cause.
Behavior which agrees with one's inner values is vital to being a comfortable human being. However, having vulnerable feelings is something that men in our society are taught from earliest times not to do, eg: big boys don't cry, suck it up, man it up, etc, etc. All these phrases tell men that it's not manly or okay to have vulnerable feelings. When men have those feelings they feel wimpy or girly or faggy. None of these tags are positive and therefore having vulnerable feelings is seen as unmanly and and weak by men themselves. Anger is an effective defense mechanism for cloaking vulnerable feelings, since it is a socially acceptable emotion for men to portray. Anger is manly, macho, primitive and fearsome. These tags are positive in the man's world.
The additional pressure in a relationship to be intimate and allow for human error and flexibility may draw men even further into the depths of despair when coming face to face with vulnerable feelings. It is common for folks to project their feelings onto others when upsetting issues come to the forefront. Men are no exception. When vulnerability surfaces they most often look to their partners to blame outward, whereas women most often tend to blame inward, accepting that this vulnerability may be their doing - whether earned or not. Anger again is a socially acceptable alternative to choosing vulnerability. Men tough it out! There's strong and then there's Army strong! Not the poster child for vulnerability.
The societal erosion of men's self esteem in this area of vulnerability is, I believe, quite serious. Sam Keen, in his book, Fire in the Belly, states that men are the canaries in the coal mine regarding the state of our nation in the area of emotional availability. I firmly believe that men's groups that allow men a safe place to vent and speak about their issues with other men in a safe environment, is the most important step we have taken in the recovery movement toward addressing these very difficult issues.
Behavior which agrees with one's inner values is vital to being a comfortable human being. However, having vulnerable feelings is something that men in our society are taught from earliest times not to do, eg: big boys don't cry, suck it up, man it up, etc, etc. All these phrases tell men that it's not manly or okay to have vulnerable feelings. When men have those feelings they feel wimpy or girly or faggy. None of these tags are positive and therefore having vulnerable feelings is seen as unmanly and and weak by men themselves. Anger is an effective defense mechanism for cloaking vulnerable feelings, since it is a socially acceptable emotion for men to portray. Anger is manly, macho, primitive and fearsome. These tags are positive in the man's world.
The additional pressure in a relationship to be intimate and allow for human error and flexibility may draw men even further into the depths of despair when coming face to face with vulnerable feelings. It is common for folks to project their feelings onto others when upsetting issues come to the forefront. Men are no exception. When vulnerability surfaces they most often look to their partners to blame outward, whereas women most often tend to blame inward, accepting that this vulnerability may be their doing - whether earned or not. Anger again is a socially acceptable alternative to choosing vulnerability. Men tough it out! There's strong and then there's Army strong! Not the poster child for vulnerability.
The societal erosion of men's self esteem in this area of vulnerability is, I believe, quite serious. Sam Keen, in his book, Fire in the Belly, states that men are the canaries in the coal mine regarding the state of our nation in the area of emotional availability. I firmly believe that men's groups that allow men a safe place to vent and speak about their issues with other men in a safe environment, is the most important step we have taken in the recovery movement toward addressing these very difficult issues.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Are You Being Emotionally Abused? Is Your Partner Cruel?
Why are some people cruel? What happens inside to transform someone from being an average person to one who hurts others? Are cruel people aware of how they appear from the outside?
There are times when each of us has moments of cruelty. It is part of the human dynamic. But there are some folks who seem to live in that dynamic often. How do we cope if that person is our partner? What do we do to take care of ourselves in that situation? When we are involved in a relationship we see all facets our partner. Some parts of their persona may be warm, passionate, empathetic, understanding and joyful. These are the parts that lead us to love. There may be other portions of their persona that are less positive.
When we are involved with someone who is cruel important decisions lie ahead. Cruelty is emotional abuse. We have much to consider when living with an emotional abuser. Can the cruelty be stemmed? Is the cruel partner willing to change their behavior? Are we willing to set effective boundaries to protect ourselves from further harm? Are we at risk? These questions are vital if we are to practice self care.
A note: If we are at risk for physical injury we must take action to protect ourselves and others for whom we are responsible. Seeking help is imperative and must be undertaken immediately. There are 24 hour hotlines in every area dedicated to prevention of abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE or on line at http://www.ndvh.org/.
Cruelty happens when we are wounded. When an event or series of events in our past creates extreme emotional pain, it injures us in a way that creates fear and shame. We may be afraid that we will re-experience the trauma that wounded us. Our defense mechanisms work to protect us from this outcome. We may feel great shame surrounding the incident or series of incidents. Our defenses work to keep the shame a secret from ourselves and others. Keeping up the defenses we adopt due to fear and shame, robs us of the energy we could be using to enjoy our lives. Living in denial is exhausting. When we have locked ourselves out from experiencing our emotions we may escape pain, but feeling numb keeps us from experiencing the joy of being alive.
When we feel threatened we may respond with our defenses. If we feel fear we may exhibit an exaggerated response in the form of rejection and hostility. Our defenses are attempting to protect us from harm by pushing away the threat. We may appear disrespectful and demeaning to others, particularly to the person posing the threat. What happens when the threat is intimacy? When our fears surround intimacy our partner becomes the source of the threat. Their attempts to facilitate closeness and connection may trigger our fear. We may react subconsciously without even realizing that we are behaving cruelly. Our partner may feel disrespected and demeaned finding our actions confusing. We may be sending mixed messages, saying that we desire closeness and intimacy, but behaving in ways that push our partner away.
Shame may cause us to react to a perceived threat with hostility and rage. We are reminded of the secret we hide from ourselves and others. The pain of remembering is excruciating. We may react to re-experiencing the trauma of the original shaming event or series of events with an array of negative emotions. Our core is threatened and our defenses arrive to protect us from further harm. We react with cruelty. We may spew venomous sarcasm or caustic remarks. We may shut down completely refusing to engage on any level. We may collapse into tears and recriminations.
When fear surfaces we have tools available to help us respond rather than react. We can choose to allow ourselves to feel the fear. We remind ourselves that this too shall pass. Once we let ourselves experience the full impact of the emotion, we learn that feelings are not permanent.
They are like a wave crashing on a beach. The wave approaches getting larger and more threatening. It finally crashes on the sand, then dribbles away back into the ocean. Feelings also come in waves. They arrive, build, may overwhelm for a few moments (crash), then in an environment of self care they dissipate.
Shame arrives through the back door. We may not be aware when we are feeling shamed. We may only feel our defenses stirring up hostility and rage. The best method of handling shame is to openly discuss the original incident or incidents in a safe environment, such as a support group or counseling session. There we can explore our emotions and the feelings they engender. We may be having issues with anger or hostility in our relationships. These symptoms may indicate that we have unresolved shame issues. When we fail to deal with our issues in a way that encourages personal growth, our shame leaks out in the form of venomous attacks on those with whom we are closest.
The long term damage that cruelty causes cannot be underestimated. Eventually the partner subjected to these extreme forms of anger may collapse emotionally. This may lead to a variety of endings, none of which are positive. The abused partner may decide to leave the relationship, or opt for emotional withdrawal. Some partners choose to find fulfillment outside the relationship. The wounds of the past can be healed and cruel behavior patterns can end. The answer is help and self care. Learning to practice our tools can lessen the pain of the past while increasing our self esteem. As we feel better about ourselves and our behavior we are more able to practice self control and esteem building activities.
We must first face ourselves with honesty. We begin by taking responsibility for our actions. Our next step is to seek support and guidance. This is a journey that we cannot undertake alone. As we learn to take care of ourselves and recognize when we are feeling fear and shame we increase our self esteem. We use our tools to practice self care and give those we love the respect and compassion they deserve. In this way we give ourselves the gift of growth.
There are times when each of us has moments of cruelty. It is part of the human dynamic. But there are some folks who seem to live in that dynamic often. How do we cope if that person is our partner? What do we do to take care of ourselves in that situation? When we are involved in a relationship we see all facets our partner. Some parts of their persona may be warm, passionate, empathetic, understanding and joyful. These are the parts that lead us to love. There may be other portions of their persona that are less positive.
When we are involved with someone who is cruel important decisions lie ahead. Cruelty is emotional abuse. We have much to consider when living with an emotional abuser. Can the cruelty be stemmed? Is the cruel partner willing to change their behavior? Are we willing to set effective boundaries to protect ourselves from further harm? Are we at risk? These questions are vital if we are to practice self care.
A note: If we are at risk for physical injury we must take action to protect ourselves and others for whom we are responsible. Seeking help is imperative and must be undertaken immediately. There are 24 hour hotlines in every area dedicated to prevention of abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE or on line at http://www.ndvh.org/.
Cruelty happens when we are wounded. When an event or series of events in our past creates extreme emotional pain, it injures us in a way that creates fear and shame. We may be afraid that we will re-experience the trauma that wounded us. Our defense mechanisms work to protect us from this outcome. We may feel great shame surrounding the incident or series of incidents. Our defenses work to keep the shame a secret from ourselves and others. Keeping up the defenses we adopt due to fear and shame, robs us of the energy we could be using to enjoy our lives. Living in denial is exhausting. When we have locked ourselves out from experiencing our emotions we may escape pain, but feeling numb keeps us from experiencing the joy of being alive.
When we feel threatened we may respond with our defenses. If we feel fear we may exhibit an exaggerated response in the form of rejection and hostility. Our defenses are attempting to protect us from harm by pushing away the threat. We may appear disrespectful and demeaning to others, particularly to the person posing the threat. What happens when the threat is intimacy? When our fears surround intimacy our partner becomes the source of the threat. Their attempts to facilitate closeness and connection may trigger our fear. We may react subconsciously without even realizing that we are behaving cruelly. Our partner may feel disrespected and demeaned finding our actions confusing. We may be sending mixed messages, saying that we desire closeness and intimacy, but behaving in ways that push our partner away.
Shame may cause us to react to a perceived threat with hostility and rage. We are reminded of the secret we hide from ourselves and others. The pain of remembering is excruciating. We may react to re-experiencing the trauma of the original shaming event or series of events with an array of negative emotions. Our core is threatened and our defenses arrive to protect us from further harm. We react with cruelty. We may spew venomous sarcasm or caustic remarks. We may shut down completely refusing to engage on any level. We may collapse into tears and recriminations.
When fear surfaces we have tools available to help us respond rather than react. We can choose to allow ourselves to feel the fear. We remind ourselves that this too shall pass. Once we let ourselves experience the full impact of the emotion, we learn that feelings are not permanent.
They are like a wave crashing on a beach. The wave approaches getting larger and more threatening. It finally crashes on the sand, then dribbles away back into the ocean. Feelings also come in waves. They arrive, build, may overwhelm for a few moments (crash), then in an environment of self care they dissipate.
Shame arrives through the back door. We may not be aware when we are feeling shamed. We may only feel our defenses stirring up hostility and rage. The best method of handling shame is to openly discuss the original incident or incidents in a safe environment, such as a support group or counseling session. There we can explore our emotions and the feelings they engender. We may be having issues with anger or hostility in our relationships. These symptoms may indicate that we have unresolved shame issues. When we fail to deal with our issues in a way that encourages personal growth, our shame leaks out in the form of venomous attacks on those with whom we are closest.
The long term damage that cruelty causes cannot be underestimated. Eventually the partner subjected to these extreme forms of anger may collapse emotionally. This may lead to a variety of endings, none of which are positive. The abused partner may decide to leave the relationship, or opt for emotional withdrawal. Some partners choose to find fulfillment outside the relationship. The wounds of the past can be healed and cruel behavior patterns can end. The answer is help and self care. Learning to practice our tools can lessen the pain of the past while increasing our self esteem. As we feel better about ourselves and our behavior we are more able to practice self control and esteem building activities.
We must first face ourselves with honesty. We begin by taking responsibility for our actions. Our next step is to seek support and guidance. This is a journey that we cannot undertake alone. As we learn to take care of ourselves and recognize when we are feeling fear and shame we increase our self esteem. We use our tools to practice self care and give those we love the respect and compassion they deserve. In this way we give ourselves the gift of growth.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tools, Glorious Tools - Part Two
In our recovery process we practice patience and manage our expectations. We keep in mind that habits developed over many years may take much time to unlearn. We expect to make mistakes, to backslide, to feel regret when we repeat old patterns of behavior that no longer function for our benefit.
We employ many tools in our daily lives to help us cope with the changes we are making in ourselves and the responses we are cultivating to take the place of our old defense mechanisms. We learn that defense mechanisms are automatic and that we have been employing them without even realizing it. This is the core of how we protected ourselves during our childhood. We have relied on these defenses for a long time. Giving them up creates a void. We fill that void with healthy behavior by using our tools.
In working to change this pattern we strive to become more aware of ourselves and our feelings. We may feel overwhelmed initially by the surge of strong emotions and the feelings that follow. It may take time for us to be able to put words to our feelings if we have been reacting on auto pilot for a lengthy period of time. We allow ourselves to begin to experience all our emotions. This can create much discomfort. We will adjust to the newness of it over time. In the interim we use several tools to help us cope.
We learn deep breathing. When we are tense we tend to breathe in a less effective manner. We breathe with our upper chest and take short, quick, shallow breaths. When we focus on our breathing we take longer, slower, deeper breaths that inflate our abdomen and pull air all the way down to the lower part of our lungs. This allows more oxygen into our blood stream and aids in relaxation. We breathe in through our noses, hold briefly for a count of five, then out through our mouths. As we repeat this process we feel a sense of relaxation flow through ourselves. We are adding vital oxygen to our bodies that have been depleted through stress.
Journaling is an important tool in our tool bag. We write out our feelings, thoughts and opinions about present circumstances and persons in our lives. We may include related memories that have caused us pain in the past, recalled as a result of a particular event. This gives us an outlet for our emotions as well as a way to experience more clarity with regard to our feelings. We may be new at processing our emotions. Journaling gives us an edge. We have our journal entries available for review as we progress through recovery. We can look back at a snapshot of ourselves and see our growth.
Having patience with ourselves, managing our expectations of our progress, allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, deep breathing and journaling… these initial tools help us develop increased self esteem as we use them in our daily lives. We give ourselves the gift of recovery as we practice using our tools to gain emotional balance.
We employ many tools in our daily lives to help us cope with the changes we are making in ourselves and the responses we are cultivating to take the place of our old defense mechanisms. We learn that defense mechanisms are automatic and that we have been employing them without even realizing it. This is the core of how we protected ourselves during our childhood. We have relied on these defenses for a long time. Giving them up creates a void. We fill that void with healthy behavior by using our tools.
In working to change this pattern we strive to become more aware of ourselves and our feelings. We may feel overwhelmed initially by the surge of strong emotions and the feelings that follow. It may take time for us to be able to put words to our feelings if we have been reacting on auto pilot for a lengthy period of time. We allow ourselves to begin to experience all our emotions. This can create much discomfort. We will adjust to the newness of it over time. In the interim we use several tools to help us cope.
We learn deep breathing. When we are tense we tend to breathe in a less effective manner. We breathe with our upper chest and take short, quick, shallow breaths. When we focus on our breathing we take longer, slower, deeper breaths that inflate our abdomen and pull air all the way down to the lower part of our lungs. This allows more oxygen into our blood stream and aids in relaxation. We breathe in through our noses, hold briefly for a count of five, then out through our mouths. As we repeat this process we feel a sense of relaxation flow through ourselves. We are adding vital oxygen to our bodies that have been depleted through stress.
Journaling is an important tool in our tool bag. We write out our feelings, thoughts and opinions about present circumstances and persons in our lives. We may include related memories that have caused us pain in the past, recalled as a result of a particular event. This gives us an outlet for our emotions as well as a way to experience more clarity with regard to our feelings. We may be new at processing our emotions. Journaling gives us an edge. We have our journal entries available for review as we progress through recovery. We can look back at a snapshot of ourselves and see our growth.
Having patience with ourselves, managing our expectations of our progress, allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, deep breathing and journaling… these initial tools help us develop increased self esteem as we use them in our daily lives. We give ourselves the gift of recovery as we practice using our tools to gain emotional balance.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Tools, Glorious Tools - Part I
During the recovery process we learn about and use tools. What do we mean by tools? How do they help us practice self care? Why do we need them in our daily lives?
Many of us have been damaged by relationship trauma. This damage may have occurred over an extended period of time beginning with our family of origin during our early years. We may have been too young to be capable of appropriately processing the events that surrounded our lives. In order to survive the drama and chaos, we adopted defense mechanisms. Without our defenses we might not have been able to continue to live in our family of origin without experiencing enormous psychological pain.
Some of us experienced much more subtle forms of damage. The dysfunctional patterns of some families of origin may appear healthy to those within the family. Manipulation and passive aggressive types of behavior by caretakers can be too subtle for the mind of a child to process. Family members may have no ruler against which to measure the behavior of their caretakers. Without an example of what healthy behavior looks like, members will internalize family behavior patterns as their own. This too creates defense mechanisms since children accept adult behavior as the standard against which all is measured.
Now that we are adults we find we have outgrown these defense mechanisms. They no longer serve us as they did when we were children, as a protection from psychological harm. Our defenses have become a hindrance to our enjoyment of life. They are much like a favorite pair of childhood shoes that no longer fit. We try to put them on but they squash our self esteem and don’t permit us to interact appropriately with our world. As we continue to use them as adults, we create shackles that keep us from freedom. We are literally hobbled by our defenses.
Tools allow us to gradually free ourselves from defense mechanisms that no longer function for our benefit. We slowly unlock the iron grip of shackles opening one link at a time. Each tool in our tool bag gives us more ability to open the links and escape our home made prisons. As we do the work of unlocking ourselves from our defenses we gradually increase our self esteem. Each step in the process raises our belief and trust in ourselves, allowing us to begin to trust our discernment once again.
Tools are instruments of self care that are learned during the recovery process. Like the tools used in carpentry, they need to be handled regularly and practiced often so we may become adept at using them in our daily lives. It takes time to unlearn habits that we may have had for twenty or more years and one of our first tools learned is patience and managing expectations. We need to be patient with ourselves. Recovery is a process that takes time and effort. We may often feel as if we take three steps forward and two steps back. That’s okay. We can allow ourselves the gift of patience. Managing our expectations is crucial. We can undo much of our progress if our expectations are unreasonable. We need to expect setbacks. This too is part of the recovery process.
Many of us have been damaged by relationship trauma. This damage may have occurred over an extended period of time beginning with our family of origin during our early years. We may have been too young to be capable of appropriately processing the events that surrounded our lives. In order to survive the drama and chaos, we adopted defense mechanisms. Without our defenses we might not have been able to continue to live in our family of origin without experiencing enormous psychological pain.
Some of us experienced much more subtle forms of damage. The dysfunctional patterns of some families of origin may appear healthy to those within the family. Manipulation and passive aggressive types of behavior by caretakers can be too subtle for the mind of a child to process. Family members may have no ruler against which to measure the behavior of their caretakers. Without an example of what healthy behavior looks like, members will internalize family behavior patterns as their own. This too creates defense mechanisms since children accept adult behavior as the standard against which all is measured.
Now that we are adults we find we have outgrown these defense mechanisms. They no longer serve us as they did when we were children, as a protection from psychological harm. Our defenses have become a hindrance to our enjoyment of life. They are much like a favorite pair of childhood shoes that no longer fit. We try to put them on but they squash our self esteem and don’t permit us to interact appropriately with our world. As we continue to use them as adults, we create shackles that keep us from freedom. We are literally hobbled by our defenses.
Tools allow us to gradually free ourselves from defense mechanisms that no longer function for our benefit. We slowly unlock the iron grip of shackles opening one link at a time. Each tool in our tool bag gives us more ability to open the links and escape our home made prisons. As we do the work of unlocking ourselves from our defenses we gradually increase our self esteem. Each step in the process raises our belief and trust in ourselves, allowing us to begin to trust our discernment once again.
Tools are instruments of self care that are learned during the recovery process. Like the tools used in carpentry, they need to be handled regularly and practiced often so we may become adept at using them in our daily lives. It takes time to unlearn habits that we may have had for twenty or more years and one of our first tools learned is patience and managing expectations. We need to be patient with ourselves. Recovery is a process that takes time and effort. We may often feel as if we take three steps forward and two steps back. That’s okay. We can allow ourselves the gift of patience. Managing our expectations is crucial. We can undo much of our progress if our expectations are unreasonable. We need to expect setbacks. This too is part of the recovery process.
Monday, April 13, 2009
How Do We Cope During Stressful Holidays?
Happy Passover and Happy Easter!! This was a week of celebration and family. To those of us who celebrate Easter next weekend, Happy Easter to you as well. Most of us spent time with our family of origin over these past few days. We look forward to the fun and food that come with celebrating the holidays. The President and First Lady celebrated their Easter with a new arrival, Bo, the Portuguese Water Dog.
We have a guest blogger today. He has a message for Bo. "Welcome Bo!! We hear that you were rescued from a family that didn't want you anymore. My humans rescued me from the overpass near their house by the highway when I was little and homeless. Congrats on getting some cool humans to take care of you Bo. Good job!! Looks like you picked some winners. Best of luck - Sam, the Cat."
We all enjoy the laughter and good times that being with family can bring. But what if our family of origin brings other gifts that aren't so enjoyable. How do we cope with family time when it isn't as pleasant as we might like?
We can take steps to practice self care. This is even more important during the holidays when emotions may be riding high and we are with those folks in our family of origin. Many of us may have developed dysfunctional life patterns as a result of our time with family members during childhood. As we advance in recovery we may find that time with our family of origin may become difficult. We may see our caretakers and siblings in a new light.
Peeling back the veneer of our defense mechanisms may expose us to some very raw emotions. We can attend family events with this in mind, planning for self care. We can use our tools to keep ourselves balanced. We can limit our visit to an amount of time that we feel is comfortable. Since we are in recovery, we can try to avoid conversations that may trigger unpleasant memories or extreme emotions. It may be difficult at first, but as we remember that we are getting healthier every day, we can empathize with others who are less healthy. We can choose to feel for them, rather than allow them to push our buttons and control our emotions. If we are being baited, we can bite our tongues and take a time out or go for a walk. We can call a trusted friend to chat. If necessary we can take our leave. We give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves.
After we return from a family event, if we feel stressed we can practice self care. We can relax with a hot bath, listen to music, meditate, read a novel, journal, work out, call a friend and plan an outing or just take a nap. Whatever pattern of self care works for us and whatever tools we implement give us greater self esteem. We are learning to take care of the one person we will be with for life - ourselves.
We have a guest blogger today. He has a message for Bo. "Welcome Bo!! We hear that you were rescued from a family that didn't want you anymore. My humans rescued me from the overpass near their house by the highway when I was little and homeless. Congrats on getting some cool humans to take care of you Bo. Good job!! Looks like you picked some winners. Best of luck - Sam, the Cat."
We all enjoy the laughter and good times that being with family can bring. But what if our family of origin brings other gifts that aren't so enjoyable. How do we cope with family time when it isn't as pleasant as we might like?
We can take steps to practice self care. This is even more important during the holidays when emotions may be riding high and we are with those folks in our family of origin. Many of us may have developed dysfunctional life patterns as a result of our time with family members during childhood. As we advance in recovery we may find that time with our family of origin may become difficult. We may see our caretakers and siblings in a new light.
Peeling back the veneer of our defense mechanisms may expose us to some very raw emotions. We can attend family events with this in mind, planning for self care. We can use our tools to keep ourselves balanced. We can limit our visit to an amount of time that we feel is comfortable. Since we are in recovery, we can try to avoid conversations that may trigger unpleasant memories or extreme emotions. It may be difficult at first, but as we remember that we are getting healthier every day, we can empathize with others who are less healthy. We can choose to feel for them, rather than allow them to push our buttons and control our emotions. If we are being baited, we can bite our tongues and take a time out or go for a walk. We can call a trusted friend to chat. If necessary we can take our leave. We give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves.
After we return from a family event, if we feel stressed we can practice self care. We can relax with a hot bath, listen to music, meditate, read a novel, journal, work out, call a friend and plan an outing or just take a nap. Whatever pattern of self care works for us and whatever tools we implement give us greater self esteem. We are learning to take care of the one person we will be with for life - ourselves.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Why Try Counseling?
Why should we try counseling? That is a great question. One that bears examination as many partners turn to counseling in an attempt to strengthen and rebuild their relationship.
When partners begin a relationship they are generally thrilled with each other. They may spot areas early on that may be irritating or annoying, but are willing to overlook them because the strong positive feelings they share greatly outweigh any negative. Over time as partners become more comfortable with one another they begin to let down their defenses. They feel more accepted and begin to share their inner selves, allowing themselves to be more vulnerable. This increases their level of intimacy.
At this point the relationship is a living entity. It is being nurtured and fed by both partners on a daily basis. Many deposits are being made on each side and few withdrawals. The health meter of the relationship is high and the fuel tank is filled each day.
The intimacy of the relationship may begin to trigger old issues from the past for one or both of the partners. Intimacy can be threatening when partners feel old wounds from their past and don't understand what is happening to them. Suddenly they are upset or angry and don't understand why. In the blink of an eye an argument may erupt. Partners blame one another often unable to see their own part in the disputes.
Because of the high level of intimacy between the partners, even small disagreements can wound deeply. Walls begin to emerge. Each hurtful glance or sarcastic remark puts another brick in the wall. At first the overall health of the relationship compensates for the difficulties. The high level of past deposits allows for much forgiveness. But now the relationship is no longer being fed. Many withdrawals have been made. The account balances have dipped dangerously low. Partners have begun to tend to their wounds and place bricks in the wall. They have little energy left to feed the relationship. They have forgotten that the relationship is a living entity requiring care and nurturing to survive. As they continue to ignore their daily deposits the relationship bank account becomes overdrawn and the health meter dips down towards dysfunction. As this point the relationship is slowly dying.
Many times partners simply do not understand that feeling unease at new levels of intimacy is a normal part of the growth process. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable can be terrifying, especially if we have lived with masks most of our lives. We have entered into a relationship with someone who has earned our trust and we expose the soft underbelly of ourselves. This complete openness may be frightening. If our self esteem is low, we may be unable to cope with the strong feelings that such vulnerability generates.
Getting help can reverse this process. Increasing the self esteem of each of the partners can rebuild the process that the parties used in the beginning to feed their relationship. Learning the tools of self care and applying them in our daily lives increases our self esteem. We can learn communication skills to effectively listen when our partner speaks and feel heard when we share. Compromise done in healthy ways creates loving bonds between partners who feel cared for and valued within their relationship.
It is imperative that we understand that our relationship is a living entity that requires daily care and feeding. When we practice the tools of communication, self care and compromise we insure that we will have the energy needed to make daily deposits into our relationship to ensure it's long life. Our relationship is our safety net. We rely on it to provide a safe haven for our partner, ourselves and our family. It deserves our attention and our care. As we use our tools, practice self care, communicate effectively and learn to compromise we increase our self esteem, rebuild the health of our relationship and give ourselves the gift of hope.
When partners begin a relationship they are generally thrilled with each other. They may spot areas early on that may be irritating or annoying, but are willing to overlook them because the strong positive feelings they share greatly outweigh any negative. Over time as partners become more comfortable with one another they begin to let down their defenses. They feel more accepted and begin to share their inner selves, allowing themselves to be more vulnerable. This increases their level of intimacy.
At this point the relationship is a living entity. It is being nurtured and fed by both partners on a daily basis. Many deposits are being made on each side and few withdrawals. The health meter of the relationship is high and the fuel tank is filled each day.
The intimacy of the relationship may begin to trigger old issues from the past for one or both of the partners. Intimacy can be threatening when partners feel old wounds from their past and don't understand what is happening to them. Suddenly they are upset or angry and don't understand why. In the blink of an eye an argument may erupt. Partners blame one another often unable to see their own part in the disputes.
Because of the high level of intimacy between the partners, even small disagreements can wound deeply. Walls begin to emerge. Each hurtful glance or sarcastic remark puts another brick in the wall. At first the overall health of the relationship compensates for the difficulties. The high level of past deposits allows for much forgiveness. But now the relationship is no longer being fed. Many withdrawals have been made. The account balances have dipped dangerously low. Partners have begun to tend to their wounds and place bricks in the wall. They have little energy left to feed the relationship. They have forgotten that the relationship is a living entity requiring care and nurturing to survive. As they continue to ignore their daily deposits the relationship bank account becomes overdrawn and the health meter dips down towards dysfunction. As this point the relationship is slowly dying.
Many times partners simply do not understand that feeling unease at new levels of intimacy is a normal part of the growth process. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable can be terrifying, especially if we have lived with masks most of our lives. We have entered into a relationship with someone who has earned our trust and we expose the soft underbelly of ourselves. This complete openness may be frightening. If our self esteem is low, we may be unable to cope with the strong feelings that such vulnerability generates.
Getting help can reverse this process. Increasing the self esteem of each of the partners can rebuild the process that the parties used in the beginning to feed their relationship. Learning the tools of self care and applying them in our daily lives increases our self esteem. We can learn communication skills to effectively listen when our partner speaks and feel heard when we share. Compromise done in healthy ways creates loving bonds between partners who feel cared for and valued within their relationship.
It is imperative that we understand that our relationship is a living entity that requires daily care and feeding. When we practice the tools of communication, self care and compromise we insure that we will have the energy needed to make daily deposits into our relationship to ensure it's long life. Our relationship is our safety net. We rely on it to provide a safe haven for our partner, ourselves and our family. It deserves our attention and our care. As we use our tools, practice self care, communicate effectively and learn to compromise we increase our self esteem, rebuild the health of our relationship and give ourselves the gift of hope.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I Just Can't Find the Words
We are on our way out for the day with our partner. We laugh and hold hands as we leave the house. One of the kids has again left their bike out on the lawn. They have been asked to put it in the garage countless times. Our partner gets upset, picks up the bike and puts it in the garage, making a few angry comments in the process. We say nothing and continue on to the car to wait for our partner to join us.
As we drive away we notice our partner is silent. We ask if they are all right and receive a short clipped, yes. Obviously everything is not all right. We feel that they are asking to be drawn out and once again ask gently if all is well. The explosion that follows lasts only seconds, but rocks us to our core. We are stunned by the intensity of the emotional outburst. We sit in hurt silence for a few moments then ask for an explanation. We are told nothing.
Does this seem all too familiar? In cave man times looking into the face of a predator didn't require thought, just reflexive action to keep us alive. That age old survival response system still takes over when we feel threatened. We may no longer be looking into the face of a predator, but our threat response is just as strong. Intense emotions cause our thinking brain, the cerebral cortex, to shut off. The last thing we need when staring into the face of a lion are random thoughts to distract us from surviving. Today's lion may be something as inconsequential as the kids bike or the credit card bill.
Our ability to rebound, after a perceived threat causes our survival response to kick in, is an indication of our emotional health. For some, the thinking and processing of strong emotions is so painful that it can take many hours. This can leave the other party wondering what has gone wrong. Here is where effective communication becomes paramount. In the example above, the overwhelmed party can let their partner know that they are unable to process their feelings as of yet, but will get back to the issue as soon as they can. This gives the overwhelmed partner time to process their emotions and associated feelings, and lets the other party know that these hurtful actions will be talked about at some point.
Children who have lived in a home with much chaos and drama may have no one to teach them how to regain their emotional center when they feel threatened. They may be left to cope on their own with virtually no skills. Many children find numbing themselves the safest way to overcome the extreme pain that being emotionally abandoned brings. As adults, the lack of coping skills that would normally be developed during childhood, makes dealing with strong emotions unbearable. To avoid processing the intense feelings that are associated with survival emotions, these adults still use their childhood defense mechanisms. They shut down and feel nothing. This leaves their partners and family feeling unimportant, ignored and unloved. However, nothing could be farther from the truth. Being numb, even for a time, protected them as children from the trauma of emotional abandonment. These adults can learn to feel strong emotions a little at a time.
With our tools and ability to apply consistent self care in our daily lives, we can cope effectively with a partner who may find strong emotions overwhelming. As our partner learns to practice self care and use their tools, they can begin to process strong emotions more effectively. In this way we practice commitment in our relationship and detachment from our partner as we both grow in our ability to communicate and compromise.
As we drive away we notice our partner is silent. We ask if they are all right and receive a short clipped, yes. Obviously everything is not all right. We feel that they are asking to be drawn out and once again ask gently if all is well. The explosion that follows lasts only seconds, but rocks us to our core. We are stunned by the intensity of the emotional outburst. We sit in hurt silence for a few moments then ask for an explanation. We are told nothing.
Does this seem all too familiar? In cave man times looking into the face of a predator didn't require thought, just reflexive action to keep us alive. That age old survival response system still takes over when we feel threatened. We may no longer be looking into the face of a predator, but our threat response is just as strong. Intense emotions cause our thinking brain, the cerebral cortex, to shut off. The last thing we need when staring into the face of a lion are random thoughts to distract us from surviving. Today's lion may be something as inconsequential as the kids bike or the credit card bill.
Our ability to rebound, after a perceived threat causes our survival response to kick in, is an indication of our emotional health. For some, the thinking and processing of strong emotions is so painful that it can take many hours. This can leave the other party wondering what has gone wrong. Here is where effective communication becomes paramount. In the example above, the overwhelmed party can let their partner know that they are unable to process their feelings as of yet, but will get back to the issue as soon as they can. This gives the overwhelmed partner time to process their emotions and associated feelings, and lets the other party know that these hurtful actions will be talked about at some point.
Children who have lived in a home with much chaos and drama may have no one to teach them how to regain their emotional center when they feel threatened. They may be left to cope on their own with virtually no skills. Many children find numbing themselves the safest way to overcome the extreme pain that being emotionally abandoned brings. As adults, the lack of coping skills that would normally be developed during childhood, makes dealing with strong emotions unbearable. To avoid processing the intense feelings that are associated with survival emotions, these adults still use their childhood defense mechanisms. They shut down and feel nothing. This leaves their partners and family feeling unimportant, ignored and unloved. However, nothing could be farther from the truth. Being numb, even for a time, protected them as children from the trauma of emotional abandonment. These adults can learn to feel strong emotions a little at a time.
With our tools and ability to apply consistent self care in our daily lives, we can cope effectively with a partner who may find strong emotions overwhelming. As our partner learns to practice self care and use their tools, they can begin to process strong emotions more effectively. In this way we practice commitment in our relationship and detachment from our partner as we both grow in our ability to communicate and compromise.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Work that Struggle Muscle - Persistence
What is it, that inner something that drives us to keep on trying to figure out the solution to a dilemma? The answer is persistence. The part of us that believes that puzzling out the solution is a part of life's journey. We may be faced with serious problems or difficult situations that require introspection, communication and compromise, but persistence is the key to overcoming those challenges.
When we make a commitment to work on a relationship the path is often fraught with difficulties. Some days the obstacles may seem overwhelming. We continue to make the efforts because we believe that they will yield results. During our lifetimes we may have learned that increased effort on our part in trying new and different methods of solving life's problems have proved successful. When we continue to be open minded about the path that may lie before us, we give ourselves the opportunity for growth. We allow all possibilities to be presented to us for consideration. It may be that we cannot see the path that will lead us to joy. Our limited vision may not be able to discern the best road ahead.
Often times we may fear introspection, communication and compromise. If we have been seriously wounded in the past we may feel that looking within will leave us vulnerable to pain and injury once again. Our defenses may have left us with walls that permit no one in or out. If we stay behind these walls we may be safe, but we sacrifice intimacy and joy for our safety. Our partner may eventually yearn for the intimacy we do not permit and may be drawn away from the relationship.
To prevent ourselves from losing our relationship, we invest time in learning the skills needed to accomplish the introspection we require to see ourselves as others see us. We cannot do this alone. We can see ourselves only through the lens of our inner eye. The paradigm shift necessary for us to begin to see ourselves as others see us, requires input from an external source. We seek out a balanced individual with no stake in our lives to assist us in this journey.
We make the commitment to ourselves to learn appropriate communication skills, so as not to wound others with our pain. Recall that, hurt people, hurt people. No, that's not a typo. It is a fact. Once we are wounded, in an attempt to protect ourselves, we may fall back on survival and defense mechanisms learned in early childhood without realizing it. We inadvertently lash out, wounding others. Sadly, most often we wound those we love the most. Acquiring adept communication skills is a key to unlocking our survival and defense mechanisms. Once we can properly communicate with our partner, we can increase our intimacy level through introspection and compromise. These efforts take persistence and commitment to work through the challenges that present themselves as we shore up the foundation of our relationship.
As we practice persistence in our daily lives, and use our tools for self care, we increase our self esteem. Our belief in our ability to trust our decision making increases. We become more willing to risk vulnerability, leading us to the gift of intimacy in our relationships.
When we make a commitment to work on a relationship the path is often fraught with difficulties. Some days the obstacles may seem overwhelming. We continue to make the efforts because we believe that they will yield results. During our lifetimes we may have learned that increased effort on our part in trying new and different methods of solving life's problems have proved successful. When we continue to be open minded about the path that may lie before us, we give ourselves the opportunity for growth. We allow all possibilities to be presented to us for consideration. It may be that we cannot see the path that will lead us to joy. Our limited vision may not be able to discern the best road ahead.
Often times we may fear introspection, communication and compromise. If we have been seriously wounded in the past we may feel that looking within will leave us vulnerable to pain and injury once again. Our defenses may have left us with walls that permit no one in or out. If we stay behind these walls we may be safe, but we sacrifice intimacy and joy for our safety. Our partner may eventually yearn for the intimacy we do not permit and may be drawn away from the relationship.
To prevent ourselves from losing our relationship, we invest time in learning the skills needed to accomplish the introspection we require to see ourselves as others see us. We cannot do this alone. We can see ourselves only through the lens of our inner eye. The paradigm shift necessary for us to begin to see ourselves as others see us, requires input from an external source. We seek out a balanced individual with no stake in our lives to assist us in this journey.
We make the commitment to ourselves to learn appropriate communication skills, so as not to wound others with our pain. Recall that, hurt people, hurt people. No, that's not a typo. It is a fact. Once we are wounded, in an attempt to protect ourselves, we may fall back on survival and defense mechanisms learned in early childhood without realizing it. We inadvertently lash out, wounding others. Sadly, most often we wound those we love the most. Acquiring adept communication skills is a key to unlocking our survival and defense mechanisms. Once we can properly communicate with our partner, we can increase our intimacy level through introspection and compromise. These efforts take persistence and commitment to work through the challenges that present themselves as we shore up the foundation of our relationship.
As we practice persistence in our daily lives, and use our tools for self care, we increase our self esteem. Our belief in our ability to trust our decision making increases. We become more willing to risk vulnerability, leading us to the gift of intimacy in our relationships.
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