Confessions, Betrayal and Intimacy

What do I do? My partner has had an affair which ended... has come to me to confess the betrayal... and wants to work through it in counseling to better our relationship.

We get maybe an hour to an hour and a half once a week with the counselor... let us use that time to find out what was missing in our relationship (probably emotional intimacy) that caused our partner to look elsewhere to fulfill unmet emotional needs (btw - emotional intimacy doesn't equal sex).

A fair guess is that either or both of us felt emotionally abandoned at some level long before the affair happened. If that's the case, the way to salvage the relationship and rebuild trust is to begin to give each other what was missing in the first place. People in emotionally satisfying relationships don't get involved in extramarital avenues because they aren't looking. Period. In order to avoid the trap of a repeat of the same problem later on down the line we need to create an emotionally satisfying relationship. Getting tools to accomplish that should be the focus of our counseling sessions.

We may feel that getting our questions answered will lead to figuring out why our partner looked elsewhere... to discover what was missing. But the truth is that unless each of us begins to be vulnerable to one another and risk being known with all our lumps and bumps... emotional intimacy won't be possible. The way to find out what was missing isn't by questioning... it's by being emotionally available and letting the walls down. When we do that our partner feels safe enough to finally be honest and tell us the truth.

That's a scary thing to do after all the hurt and betrayal that has happened... but if we really are serious about wanting to improve our relationship... that is the recipe my friend.

FEAR: The Controlling Arm Within the Puppet

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How do fears manifest themselves in our daily lives? How do these fears come to be a part of us? It is possible that we are unaware of how our fears affect our behavior?

We have been involved with our partner for a few months. We feel strong surges of emotion for our new partner. All is proceeding well, or so it seems. In the back of our mind, however, we have a nagging fear that our partner is being unfaithful. There have been no indicators to lead us to believe that this is happening and we have no external reason to feel this way, but we just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. We try to dodge the feelings and ignore them, telling ourself that it is all in our head.

Time passes and our attachment to our partner increases. We feel even more strongly about them than before. However, the sense that we are being duped increases. Our emotions are screaming at us that we are being had, that our partner is being unfaithful.

We can no longer ignore our feelings and begin to query our partner. At first we ask gently if they are happy with us, if there is anyone else in the picture. When we receive the assurance we seek we feel calmed. But the feeling doesn't last. After a few days we again feel the agitation and repeat our query. This time the assurance is followed with a request for an explanation. We are caught off guard and don't know how to respond. We try to make an excuse, but it is clear that we are concealing our true intent. We feel no better this time and begin to believe even more strongly that we are being duped. Our mind reels with the endless possibilities. We are plagued with thoughts we cannot bear.

Over time we try to avoid asking for further reassurances but cannot do so. Our partner becomes irritated with our lack of faith and begins to pull away emotionally. We feel the loss, adding fuel to the fire in our head. Our emotions spin out of control. We cannot tolerate our thoughts or feelings. Soon our partner tires of the endless questions and lack of trust and leaves the relationship. Our beliefs are confirmed. We were wrong to even begin to trust our partner in the first place.

What has happened to us? We have been plagued by fear. We entered into the relationship with the fear that we would be betrayed. In the process we caused the exact thing we feared. It happened as a result of our behavior. Because we had been hurt this way in a prior relationship and we did not allow ourselves to heal from that hurt, we carried it into our next relationship. We did not practice self care and did not allow ourselves the time to heal our wounds. We plunged into another relationship headlong without thinking of the consequences to ourselves. In the process, we set ourselves up to be hurt once again. Although we may initially believe that our partner was unfaithful, eventually we realize what has actually transpired. We chased our partner away.

We allowed our fear to run our life and direct our behavior. We felt powerless over our emotions and let them run rampant, causing havoc in our relationship. As a result of our display, our partner eventually tired of the drama and left the relationship. We created that which we feared. Or to look at it another way, our fear manifested itself in our lives through our behavior.

The importance of this point cannot be stressed enough. If we follow the logic through we can see how fear may manifest itself in other areas of our lives. Our fear of losing money may encourage unstable spending habits, causing us to fall into debt. We may fear gaining weight, thereby increasing our stress level to the point that we eat the wrong foods or eat to relax. Our fear of abandonment may lead us to cling to those we love, causing them to feel suffocated and in the process push them away.

When we enter into recovery we face our fears, acknowledge that they exist and are a part of who we are. We integrate them into our sense of self and allow ourselves the time and space to heal the old wounds that created the fears. We practice self care, work on increasing our self esteem and realize that our fears served us well at one time, but we no longer need them to protect us. We are capable of protecting ourselves. We use our tools and give ourselves the benefit of the doubt as we progress in our recovery, knowing that we will fall from time to time. That's okay. Perfection is not the goal.

How Do We Heal Our Wounds?

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Why do the memories of difficult moments in our childhood linger? Why do we react to the old hurts like they just happened yesterday? How do we heal?

When we are small we don't have the vocabulary to express our feelings or emotions. We rely on our caretakers to interpret our surroundings for us. When our caretakers are out of balance and unable to handle circumstances, they may fail to interpret them to us. This leaves us unable to understand our environment. We may not know how to handle what has happened, so we fail to integrate accurate information into our sense of self.

Over time as these occurrences continue, we lose parts of our self in the process. We may begin to dissociate from our feelings of being lovable or valuable. We may begin to believe that we must perform for acceptance. We may fear abandonment or losing a loved one. When we operate from a basis of fear we shrink our lives smaller and smaller as time passes.

When we enter into recovery we discover old hurts and mixed messages from the past. We find places within where we carry old bruises from events which we were unable to interpret as children. We unlock parts of our selves that we have been unable to access since our childhood.

If we have been numb to our feelings for many years we may find experiencing emotions overwhelming and possibly painful in the beginning. We may swing from feeling nothing to feeling everything. As we continue on our path of recovery we will lessen our tendency to swing wildly from one extreme to another and settle down to a balanced center.

If we have believed that we were unlovable or not valuable we may need to rebuild our self esteem through the use of our tools and self care. This will take time. We must be patient. It has taken many years for us to lose our self love and it will not heal quickly. If we are persistent we will reap the rewards that come with continued effort.

If we have been performing for acceptance we may need to begin to allow ourselves to be seen for who we truly are without pretense. This may be quite frightening until we discover that we are loved and valued for our inner self. Our tendency to perform may be strong. We may take three steps forward and two steps back time and time again as we learn to trust. We will find we can trust our gut and our ability to discern who is trustworthy.

If we have been abandoned in the past we may need to work on trust issues surrounding intimacy. This may be especially painful and scary in the initial stages. We are so accustomed to waiting for the other shoe to drop... because in the past, it usually did. Intimacy itself may have been linked to pain in our past. We take our time allowing ourselves to experience intimacy in small amounts, adjusting to the initial discomfort as we may experience some anxiety. As we continue to have positive experiences we will become more comfortable as time progresses. Eventually we will be able to revel in the joy of true intimacy in our relationships.

We may need to unlearn our tendency to be hypervigilant, allowing situations to unfold naturally without manipulation. This too can be overwhelming and feel out of control to us. We use our tools to calm ourselves and remind us that our higher power has our best interests at heart. We may not want to experience option B and have always manipulated the situation to create option A, but we never had the chance to walk our path where we find the best option of all... option C... the one our higher power always intended for us.

As we walk our path of recovery we discover that we can enjoy experiencing emotions once again. We find we are lovable and valuable. We realize that we do not have to perform to be accepted but are accepted as we are. The most valuable lesson we learn, however, is that no one can abandon us but ourselves. The most others can do is leave. As long as we have ourselves we will never be lonely again.

Second Chances

It is common for spouses to grieve for quite some time after their life partner has passed. (Especially when the passing is sudden and intense) In time the pain of losing the deceased lessens, though it never really disappears all together. The best we can hope for is that the deceased is remembered fondly and with love. In that way we are free to move on with our lives and try to find meaning within a new relationship. We really never "get over" the lost love, the pain fades over time. It is common for those who have lost a spouse to try to find someone who reminds them of their prior partner, especially if that relationship was a happy one.

When we do move on and begin a relationship with a new partner we may encounter obstacles we did not anticipate. Being involved with a new partner has its difficulties, but it is quite another matter to be a step parent. The loss of a mother or father is nothing like the loss of a partner. Children feel acute pain that is not lessened by the arrival of a step parent. Often the step parent is largely resented as another barrier in the childrens relationship with the surviving parent. Even if the children are older, this can be the case. Step parenting is extremely difficult under the best of circumstances and can be a nightmare when the biological parent is away working a good deal of the time, allowing children to feel further abandoned in addition to the death of the primary caretaker.

In addition, fear of intimacy may add to the discord. Losing a life partner can cause emotional wounds that may be difficult to heal. If fear of intimacy applies, it may account for erratic behavior. It is common for those of us who have intimacy issues to run when the going gets tough. Intimacy issues can be thorny ones to work through even with the best of counselors, but it can be done with enough compassion and effort.

Healing from the loss of a life partner will take time and patience. Once we have moved through the grieving process and have begun a new relationship, we will need our heart and head to be balanced and centered to deal with the challenges that may arise. We use our tools and practice self care being certain to allow others to do the same.

I Just Can't Find the Words

We are on our way out for the day with our partner. We laugh and hold hands as we leave the house. One of the kids has again left their bike out on the lawn. They have been asked to put it in the garage countless times. Our partner gets upset, picks up the bike and puts it in the garage, making a few angry comments in the process. We say nothing and continue on to the car to wait for our partner to join us.

As we drive away we notice our partner is silent. We ask if they are all right and receive a short clipped, yes. Obviously everything is not all right. We feel that they are asking to be drawn out and once again ask gently if all is well. The explosion that follows lasts only seconds, but rocks us to our core. We are stunned by the intensity of the emotional outburst. We sit in hurt silence for a few moments then ask for an explanation. We are told nothing.

Does this seem all too familiar? In cave man times looking into the face of a predator didn't require thought, just reflexive action to keep us alive. That age old survival response system still takes over when we feel threatened. We may no longer be looking into the face of a predator, but our threat response is just as strong. Intense emotions cause our thinking brain, the cerebral cortex, to shut off. The last thing we need when staring into the face of a lion are random thoughts to distract us from surviving. Today's lion may be something as inconsequential as the kids bike or the credit card bill.

Our ability to rebound, after a perceived threat causes our survival response to kick in, is an indication of our emotional health. For some, the thinking and processing of strong emotions is so painful that it can take many hours. This can leave the other party wondering what has gone wrong. Here is where effective communication becomes paramount. In the example above, the overwhelmed party can let their partner know that they are unable to process their feelings as of yet, but will get back to the issue as soon as they can. This gives the overwhelmed partner time to process their emotions and associated feelings, and lets the other party know that these hurtful actions will be talked about at some point.

Children who have lived in a home with much chaos and drama may have no one to teach them how to regain their emotional center when they feel threatened. They may be left to cope on their own with virtually no skills. Many children find numbing themselves the safest way to overcome the extreme pain that being emotionally abandoned brings. As adults, the lack of coping skills that would normally be developed during childhood, makes dealing with strong emotions unbearable. To avoid processing the intense feelings that are associated with survival emotions, these adults still use their childhood defense mechanisms. They shut down and feel nothing. This leaves their partners and family feeling unimportant, ignored and unloved. However, nothing could be farther from the truth. Being numb, even for a time, protected them as children from the trauma of emotional abandonment. These adults can learn to feel strong emotions a little at a time.

With our tools and ability to apply consistent self care in our daily lives, we can cope effectively with a partner who may find strong emotions overwhelming. As our partner learns to practice self care and use their tools, they can begin to process strong emotions more effectively. In this way we practice commitment in our relationship and detachment from our partner as we both grow in our ability to communicate and compromise.

Detachment

Detachment... what exactly does a word like that mean? When we feel like our heads are swimming from all the drama and confusion around us... when all the things we have done to try to "fix" the problem have failed... when we are so obsessed with the problem that we can no longer see any solutions... that is when we become willing to look at our situation in a new way and we try detachment.

Detachment does not mean abandoning, running from, leaving, or ignoring the problem. It does mean that we separate ourselves from the issues that are not ours to solve and focus instead on the ones we can work through... our own. We stop trying to control outcomes and force results and instead accept that we must remove ourselves from the situation and let the consequences fall where they may. If we have, in some way, added to the problem, we accept responsibility for our part and make our amends. Otherwise, we step back and let the person who has caused the problem suffer the proverbial consequences of their actions. We do this because we are too exhausted to keep carrying all the responsibility for the problems of both ourselves and others. Once we stop being responsible for others problems and step back, miraculously they will begin to take responsibility for their own lives and free us to do the same.

In this way we experience a paradigm shift that allows us to finally see our part in the drama. We will get plenty of "change back messages" from those who suddenly have to be responsible for their own lives. As we persist in self care and minding our own business we will find that others will eventually do the same. It may not be easy, it may feel awkward at first, but we will get used to it. We will learn to take care of ourselves and practice healthy self care principles throughout our daily lives.