$9 Million Awarded to Betrayed Partner From Paramour

Is it an effective remedy to award monetary damages from the paramour to the betrayed partner?

People betray others in relationships. This is a fact that is not new to mankind. Betrayal is not limited to adultery... there are plenty of ways to betray one's partner. This particular monetary award is about adultery.

When we seek out counseling we almost never talk about our own involvement in the betrayal. We are obsessed with blame and anguish. It is expected and understandable... we are suffering with extreme levels of pain and loss.

As time passes and the hurt begins to heal, our ability to see our own piece in the puzzle, no matter how tiny, begins to clarify. It is at this point that we start to have the ability to let go of the pain and loss and true healing can begin.

What happens when we never let go of the pain and loss? We stay angry. Over time that anger hardens into bitterness and resentment. Bitter resentful people don't move on from living in the past. We don't enjoy the present because we are too busy embracing our righteous path of constantly remembering how we were wronged.

One who pursues this type of monetary reward is still living with their focus in the past. There may be a real need for funds... that is not the issue. There are many ways to get the funds that have been awarded and not paid via family court routes. This award is about punishment and retribution.

My question is... when this case is over and the betrayed partner has collected whatever they get of the $9 Million...
Will they then live in the present?
Will they then feel happy?
Will they then be a whole person?

I think not... they will still feel the bitterness and resentment that they have chosen to focus on for so long... because money can't fix that.

Money is a tool. It can be used for constructive or destructive purposes.
It has no intrinsic value of it's own.

We Attract Who We Are

What happens when we have no choice but to leave our relationship? Why do we feel so upset? When we have been treated with disrespect, betrayed or abused why do we feel remorse?

We have taken a first step that is very difficult, but one that we apparently feel is necessary. We have left our relationship. Feeling remorse, guilt, anger, confusion is all very normal during this time. We are doing something that we never wanted to do, leaving our partner.

Regardless of who may be at fault, there is a great deal of pain involved in lettting go of the hopes and dreams that we all have regarding our future when we end a relationship. It is never easy. The feelings of failure we experience may be related to the fact that we may have believed we were the one to be the provider, the protector, the one to shield our family from the evils of the world. Or we may have felt we were the nurturer, the one who kept our loved ones safe from harm, who made our house a home, who created a place of renewal and hope for our family.

We may now feel we can no longer accomplish those goals. Although we may have stumbled on our path we can still believe in ourselves. We may yet still be able to accomplish our goals with a new partner at some point in the future. Our current partner will have to protect themself from the harsh realities of life on their own... those are the consequences for the choices that have been made.

Remember... within there lies a heart of gold. Someone out there will be the luckiest person alive to someday have us as their partner. Meanwhile we take the time to heal, practice our tools, learn about ourselves and our blind spots and become the person we want to be. We attract not what we want, but who we are.

Hang in there. Time truly does heal.

Betrayed!!

How do we cope when we are betrayed? What do we do to take care of ourselves? How can we heal our hurts?

When our partner betrays us, whether it be via an adulterous relationship or through another breach, we are injured at our core. This is someone we have allowed into our lives in a very deep and meaningful way. We have become intimate with our partner in a variety of areas which we do not share with any other persons. As a result we feel crushed, sometimes lost. We experience our loss in the most personal of ways. This type of betrayal carries with it the added pain of personal rejection. Our partner is someone who knows us inside and out and has rejected us for our inner selves in a very painful and personal way.

At first we are shocked, infuriated and hurt. We may react with anger and fury. As time passes and the reality of our situation sinks in we may become hostile and cold toward our partner. If we have been betrayed we may wish to end the relationship. Or, we may wish to continue the relationship, but may not know how to get past the hurt and resentment. We have lost the trust shared in our relationship.

It is imperative that we not make life altering decisions during this initial time. We are still very raw and may be unable to rationally approach the situation. We may be too angry to think long term and may be incapable of thinking clearly.

Our first path should be to find ourselves a counselor with whom we feel comfortable where we can sort out our feelings and decide how to move forward. This may take some time. We must be patient. As we work through our feelings of hostility and pain we may discover that we have some portion of responsibility for the failure in our relationship. We have many difficult decisions ahead and we should not make them alone.

With the help of our counselor we begin to rebuild our shattered self esteem. Slowly, one step at a time we trudge back from the brink toward a healthier place. At first we have many days when we feel sad or angry. As time passes and we experience healing we have a few better days. Eventually we have many days when we feel at peace with ourselves and our situation. This healing process happens slowly, three steps forward and two steps back.

We practice self care, allowing ourselves to feel all our feelings fully, process what has happened to us and move forward. When we feel overwhelmed we take steps to soothe ourselves back into balance. We may call a friend, take a walk, enjoy a hot bath, read a book, watch a favorite movie or just take a nap. As we learn to care for ourselves we increase our self esteem giving ourselves the gift of a healthier, more joy filled future.

FEAR: The Controlling Arm Within the Puppet

Image by stuant63 via Flickr

How do fears manifest themselves in our daily lives? How do these fears come to be a part of us? It is possible that we are unaware of how our fears affect our behavior?

We have been involved with our partner for a few months. We feel strong surges of emotion for our new partner. All is proceeding well, or so it seems. In the back of our mind, however, we have a nagging fear that our partner is being unfaithful. There have been no indicators to lead us to believe that this is happening and we have no external reason to feel this way, but we just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. We try to dodge the feelings and ignore them, telling ourself that it is all in our head.

Time passes and our attachment to our partner increases. We feel even more strongly about them than before. However, the sense that we are being duped increases. Our emotions are screaming at us that we are being had, that our partner is being unfaithful.

We can no longer ignore our feelings and begin to query our partner. At first we ask gently if they are happy with us, if there is anyone else in the picture. When we receive the assurance we seek we feel calmed. But the feeling doesn't last. After a few days we again feel the agitation and repeat our query. This time the assurance is followed with a request for an explanation. We are caught off guard and don't know how to respond. We try to make an excuse, but it is clear that we are concealing our true intent. We feel no better this time and begin to believe even more strongly that we are being duped. Our mind reels with the endless possibilities. We are plagued with thoughts we cannot bear.

Over time we try to avoid asking for further reassurances but cannot do so. Our partner becomes irritated with our lack of faith and begins to pull away emotionally. We feel the loss, adding fuel to the fire in our head. Our emotions spin out of control. We cannot tolerate our thoughts or feelings. Soon our partner tires of the endless questions and lack of trust and leaves the relationship. Our beliefs are confirmed. We were wrong to even begin to trust our partner in the first place.

What has happened to us? We have been plagued by fear. We entered into the relationship with the fear that we would be betrayed. In the process we caused the exact thing we feared. It happened as a result of our behavior. Because we had been hurt this way in a prior relationship and we did not allow ourselves to heal from that hurt, we carried it into our next relationship. We did not practice self care and did not allow ourselves the time to heal our wounds. We plunged into another relationship headlong without thinking of the consequences to ourselves. In the process, we set ourselves up to be hurt once again. Although we may initially believe that our partner was unfaithful, eventually we realize what has actually transpired. We chased our partner away.

We allowed our fear to run our life and direct our behavior. We felt powerless over our emotions and let them run rampant, causing havoc in our relationship. As a result of our display, our partner eventually tired of the drama and left the relationship. We created that which we feared. Or to look at it another way, our fear manifested itself in our lives through our behavior.

The importance of this point cannot be stressed enough. If we follow the logic through we can see how fear may manifest itself in other areas of our lives. Our fear of losing money may encourage unstable spending habits, causing us to fall into debt. We may fear gaining weight, thereby increasing our stress level to the point that we eat the wrong foods or eat to relax. Our fear of abandonment may lead us to cling to those we love, causing them to feel suffocated and in the process push them away.

When we enter into recovery we face our fears, acknowledge that they exist and are a part of who we are. We integrate them into our sense of self and allow ourselves the time and space to heal the old wounds that created the fears. We practice self care, work on increasing our self esteem and realize that our fears served us well at one time, but we no longer need them to protect us. We are capable of protecting ourselves. We use our tools and give ourselves the benefit of the doubt as we progress in our recovery, knowing that we will fall from time to time. That's okay. Perfection is not the goal.

Shock & Awe... American Terrorism and Torture

Over the past weeks I have been listening to the information about TORTURE committed at the hand of Americans... I have been feeling the shame that comes with knowing that the government of MY country... the ones who talked about how much better America was than the rest of the world... the ones who said that the terrorists were animals... just allowed ME to feel that I am part of that animal world... that MY country is now a part of the group of THEM... the one's who perpetrate inhumane behavior... simulated drowning... putting people in small boxes with rodents or insects... forced nakedness... extreme heat or cold... being hung by chains from the ceiling... forced to stay awake for days on end... sensory deprivation for days followed by sensory overload... repeated beatings... and more...

What kind of human beings believe that this type of behavior is acceptable in ANY situation? Why would anyone ever choose to perpetrate these crimes against humanity repeatedly in the name of freedom? What kind of freedom is America selling anyway? Shock and Awe!! Disaster Capitalism!!

I have been an American my whole life. I recall traveling abroad as a young teen and feeling proud of my heritage. I remember the pride I experienced when young people in Europe looked upon my citizenship with a mixture of envy and curiosity. Much has changed in the forty years since I was a teen.

America has become a country of arrogance where the term democracy has been replaced by corporate greed and congressional lobbyists. Now when I travel outside America I feel the hesitance of foreigners who wonder if I too am an arrogant American. The eager hand of friendship I once enjoyed during my travels is gone. It has been replaced by the cold shoulder. Can I blame people for feeling this way? They don't really know me, they only know the politics of the most recent American government and the arrogance displayed in it's policies.

I feel a great loss. I was once proud to be an American. I now hesitate. I would like to be proud once again, but that would take humility on the part of my government to admit that the policies of the recent administration were a massive mistake. The arrogance that was displayed was a huge error. Allowing ourselves to think that somehow America knew best and that our government had the right to impose our way of thinking on other peoples. I am doubtful that this level of humility is actually possible. I would like to believe that the current administration has the capacity to reach out to heal the giant rift created over the past years of divisive policies.

I don't know if other countries leaders are willing to trust America again. We have betrayed their trust. Instead of being part of the solution, we became the problem. We might have printed on our money... In Greed We Trust... it would have been largely the truth. I hope with all my heart that this horrendous mistake can be corrected. Those who have perpetrated it must be permitted to feel the full responsibility for their crimes against humanity.

It must not be said that America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave. We must punish those who have tarnished the face of the Statue of Liberty. We must cleanse ourselves of these horrific criminal activities and purify our nation once again. If we are to be the light of the world, we must walk the talk.

Betrayal

So many of us have been betrayed in our lives. Someone makes a promise, then doesn't keep their word. We are faced with our feelings: a combination of pain, anger, frustration, shame and loss. How do we cope in that moment when we realize we have been betrayed? We have a choice to respond rather than react with hostility or rage. We can take a moment to ask ourselves, "What do I need to do to take care of myself in this moment?" We use our tools: breathe, give ourselves permission to feel our feelings fully, write in our journal about the event, call a trusted friend to share our disappointment, and finally, accept that we cannot control the behavior of others. We focus on the moment, realizing that we are exactly where we are supposed to be in our lives and ask ourselves,"What lesson am I supposed to be learning from this experience?"

Betrayal has the highest cost in relationships. It dissolves the trust between two people. Trust can take months or years to develop, but betrayal can destroy it in a moment. Betrayal leaves wounds that are deep and lasting. Some wounds heal with enough time and personal growth work. Others create scars that inhibit a persons ability to be emotionally available. The choice, as always, is up to each of us to follow the path that creates the most joy in our lives.