What happens if we leave our partner during mid life crisis only to find we made a terrible mistake?
There have been many of us who leave a long standing relationship (not always for another partner, some just for space) during mid life only to regret the decision when we realize the impact on our lives. Some of us have been fortunate enough to have sought counseling and been able to repair the rift before divorce became the only answer. Others have not been so lucky.
Looking outside ourselves for answers doesn't work. Happy isn't out there somewhere... happy is an inside job. If we aren't happy with our lives when we hit midlife it's time to reassess... not immediately look for an escape route. The level of maturity we have when midlife arrives determines how we handle it. Immature, coddled, self centered adults act out. Mature grown ups communicate.
It may be difficult or frightening to share our disappointments with our partner... but if we think clearly we will realize that they must have their own lost dreams to deal with as well. We are not the only one in the relationship. Acknowledging our limitations... becoming vulnerable... allowing ourselves to re-experience emotional intimacy... these are all paths back to wholeness.
We may have spent many years building walls instead of bridges. Our expectations must be realistic. We cannot undo what has taken years to create in a short time. Patience... hard work... honest self exploration and gentle sharing all work together to create the environment necessary to reinvent our relationship.
Showing posts with label mistake. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mistake. Show all posts
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Friday, March 5, 2010
Can I Forgive Myself?
Why is it so much harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others? That is because we hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do other people. Take a moment when all is quiet and listen to our self talk... all the shoulds, the nevers and the always... we wouldn't talk like that to our children, our parents or our friends... but we all talk that way to ourselves.
The hardest part about forgiving ourselves is accepting that we are just like everyone else... we make mistakes, we screw up, we do stupid things that we regret. But because we hold ourselves to a higher standard in our minds, we somehow believe that we are capable of more... and we expect more of ourselves. So when we don't perform up to our own expectations we tend to crucify ourselves.
The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is a part of reality we definately don't like... we aren't perfect, we never will be... we aren't supposed to be... that keeps us humble. When we accept that we are as flawed as others, and we bring that truth into our inner selves as a part of us... then we can begin to forgive ourselves.
Our kids may have been hurt by what they experienced as we made mistakes... mine certainly was... but he learned valuable lessons from me in the process... no one is perfect... not me, not his Dad and not him. He can accept that failure is a part of life and that when we get knocked down we get up and try again. That is an invaluable lesson... painful? Yes. But invaluable.
Our kids will learn that parents are human, they make mistakes and in the process there is pain. But, they will be able to accept that failure is an integral part of life to be expected and overcome with effort. They will see our efforts at rebuilding ourselves and their lives as a positive result.
Making mistakes and learning to forgive ourselves is all a part of being human... and isn't that the whole point?
The hardest part about forgiving ourselves is accepting that we are just like everyone else... we make mistakes, we screw up, we do stupid things that we regret. But because we hold ourselves to a higher standard in our minds, we somehow believe that we are capable of more... and we expect more of ourselves. So when we don't perform up to our own expectations we tend to crucify ourselves.
The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is a part of reality we definately don't like... we aren't perfect, we never will be... we aren't supposed to be... that keeps us humble. When we accept that we are as flawed as others, and we bring that truth into our inner selves as a part of us... then we can begin to forgive ourselves.
Our kids may have been hurt by what they experienced as we made mistakes... mine certainly was... but he learned valuable lessons from me in the process... no one is perfect... not me, not his Dad and not him. He can accept that failure is a part of life and that when we get knocked down we get up and try again. That is an invaluable lesson... painful? Yes. But invaluable.
Our kids will learn that parents are human, they make mistakes and in the process there is pain. But, they will be able to accept that failure is an integral part of life to be expected and overcome with effort. They will see our efforts at rebuilding ourselves and their lives as a positive result.
Making mistakes and learning to forgive ourselves is all a part of being human... and isn't that the whole point?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
HANDBOOK FOR 2010
HANDBOOK 2010
Health:
1. Drink plenty of clean fresh water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.
10.Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk... smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey entails.
12. Don't invest in negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Live in the present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep within your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you truly need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of mistakes.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Smile and laugh more.
23. You don't have to win every argument. Learn to agree to disagree.
Society:
24. Call your family often.
25. Be charitable... each day give something to others.
26. Forgive easily and anger slowly.
27. Spend time with people over 70 & under 6 whenever you can.
28. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
29. What other people think of you is less important than what you think of yourself.
30. Your job won't care for you when you are sick or lonely. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
31. Do the right thing!
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, meaningful or joyful.
33. Our higher power heals everything.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, shower, get dressed and show up.
36. The best is yet to come.
37. When you awake alive in the morning, be grateful.
38. Your inner being strives to be happy. So, be happy.
39. Share your vision with others.
40. And finally... Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Challenges are part of the curriculum but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Health:
1. Drink plenty of clean fresh water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.
10.Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk... smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey entails.
12. Don't invest in negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Live in the present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep within your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you truly need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of mistakes.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Smile and laugh more.
23. You don't have to win every argument. Learn to agree to disagree.
Society:
24. Call your family often.
25. Be charitable... each day give something to others.
26. Forgive easily and anger slowly.
27. Spend time with people over 70 & under 6 whenever you can.
28. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
29. What other people think of you is less important than what you think of yourself.
30. Your job won't care for you when you are sick or lonely. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
31. Do the right thing!
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, meaningful or joyful.
33. Our higher power heals everything.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, shower, get dressed and show up.
36. The best is yet to come.
37. When you awake alive in the morning, be grateful.
38. Your inner being strives to be happy. So, be happy.
39. Share your vision with others.
40. And finally... Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Challenges are part of the curriculum but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Shock & Awe... American Terrorism and Torture
Over the past weeks I have been listening to the information about TORTURE committed at the hand of Americans... I have been feeling the shame that comes with knowing that the government of MY country... the ones who talked about how much better America was than the rest of the world... the ones who said that the terrorists were animals... just allowed ME to feel that I am part of that animal world... that MY country is now a part of the group of THEM... the one's who perpetrate inhumane behavior... simulated drowning... putting people in small boxes with rodents or insects... forced nakedness... extreme heat or cold... being hung by chains from the ceiling... forced to stay awake for days on end... sensory deprivation for days followed by sensory overload... repeated beatings... and more...
What kind of human beings believe that this type of behavior is acceptable in ANY situation? Why would anyone ever choose to perpetrate these crimes against humanity repeatedly in the name of freedom? What kind of freedom is America selling anyway? Shock and Awe!! Disaster Capitalism!!
I have been an American my whole life. I recall traveling abroad as a young teen and feeling proud of my heritage. I remember the pride I experienced when young people in Europe looked upon my citizenship with a mixture of envy and curiosity. Much has changed in the forty years since I was a teen.
America has become a country of arrogance where the term democracy has been replaced by corporate greed and congressional lobbyists. Now when I travel outside America I feel the hesitance of foreigners who wonder if I too am an arrogant American. The eager hand of friendship I once enjoyed during my travels is gone. It has been replaced by the cold shoulder. Can I blame people for feeling this way? They don't really know me, they only know the politics of the most recent American government and the arrogance displayed in it's policies.
I feel a great loss. I was once proud to be an American. I now hesitate. I would like to be proud once again, but that would take humility on the part of my government to admit that the policies of the recent administration were a massive mistake. The arrogance that was displayed was a huge error. Allowing ourselves to think that somehow America knew best and that our government had the right to impose our way of thinking on other peoples. I am doubtful that this level of humility is actually possible. I would like to believe that the current administration has the capacity to reach out to heal the giant rift created over the past years of divisive policies.
I don't know if other countries leaders are willing to trust America again. We have betrayed their trust. Instead of being part of the solution, we became the problem. We might have printed on our money... In Greed We Trust... it would have been largely the truth. I hope with all my heart that this horrendous mistake can be corrected. Those who have perpetrated it must be permitted to feel the full responsibility for their crimes against humanity.
It must not be said that America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave. We must punish those who have tarnished the face of the Statue of Liberty. We must cleanse ourselves of these horrific criminal activities and purify our nation once again. If we are to be the light of the world, we must walk the talk.
What kind of human beings believe that this type of behavior is acceptable in ANY situation? Why would anyone ever choose to perpetrate these crimes against humanity repeatedly in the name of freedom? What kind of freedom is America selling anyway? Shock and Awe!! Disaster Capitalism!!
I have been an American my whole life. I recall traveling abroad as a young teen and feeling proud of my heritage. I remember the pride I experienced when young people in Europe looked upon my citizenship with a mixture of envy and curiosity. Much has changed in the forty years since I was a teen.
America has become a country of arrogance where the term democracy has been replaced by corporate greed and congressional lobbyists. Now when I travel outside America I feel the hesitance of foreigners who wonder if I too am an arrogant American. The eager hand of friendship I once enjoyed during my travels is gone. It has been replaced by the cold shoulder. Can I blame people for feeling this way? They don't really know me, they only know the politics of the most recent American government and the arrogance displayed in it's policies.
I feel a great loss. I was once proud to be an American. I now hesitate. I would like to be proud once again, but that would take humility on the part of my government to admit that the policies of the recent administration were a massive mistake. The arrogance that was displayed was a huge error. Allowing ourselves to think that somehow America knew best and that our government had the right to impose our way of thinking on other peoples. I am doubtful that this level of humility is actually possible. I would like to believe that the current administration has the capacity to reach out to heal the giant rift created over the past years of divisive policies.
I don't know if other countries leaders are willing to trust America again. We have betrayed their trust. Instead of being part of the solution, we became the problem. We might have printed on our money... In Greed We Trust... it would have been largely the truth. I hope with all my heart that this horrendous mistake can be corrected. Those who have perpetrated it must be permitted to feel the full responsibility for their crimes against humanity.
It must not be said that America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave. We must punish those who have tarnished the face of the Statue of Liberty. We must cleanse ourselves of these horrific criminal activities and purify our nation once again. If we are to be the light of the world, we must walk the talk.
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