What happens if we leave our partner during mid life crisis only to find we made a terrible mistake?
There have been many of us who leave a long standing relationship (not always for another partner, some just for space) during mid life only to regret the decision when we realize the impact on our lives. Some of us have been fortunate enough to have sought counseling and been able to repair the rift before divorce became the only answer. Others have not been so lucky.
Looking outside ourselves for answers doesn't work. Happy isn't out there somewhere... happy is an inside job. If we aren't happy with our lives when we hit midlife it's time to reassess... not immediately look for an escape route. The level of maturity we have when midlife arrives determines how we handle it. Immature, coddled, self centered adults act out. Mature grown ups communicate.
It may be difficult or frightening to share our disappointments with our partner... but if we think clearly we will realize that they must have their own lost dreams to deal with as well. We are not the only one in the relationship. Acknowledging our limitations... becoming vulnerable... allowing ourselves to re-experience emotional intimacy... these are all paths back to wholeness.
We may have spent many years building walls instead of bridges. Our expectations must be realistic. We cannot undo what has taken years to create in a short time. Patience... hard work... honest self exploration and gentle sharing all work together to create the environment necessary to reinvent our relationship.
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disappointment. Show all posts
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday, November 11, 2010
HELP - My Expectations Are Killing Me!!
How do we manage our expectations in a healthy way? Can our expectations cause us problems in our relationship?
Expectations can be a double edged sword. At times we gain power and insight from the expectations we have of ourselves. But what about the expectations we have of our partner? How do they affect our relationship?
If we expect our partner to fulfill our expectations we may be placing undue pressure on both our partner and our relationship. We hold the responsibility to fulfill our own expectations. When we give that power away, we lose the ability to practice self care. We give control of ourselves and our happiness over to another. When we do that we may be setting ourselves up for disappointment.
As much as our partner may wish to please us and may make every effort to act in our best interest, there will be times when their desires and ours will not overlap. If we have placed our expectations in their hands we will surely be disappointed and possibly hurt. If we have, instead, taken responsibility for our own expectations we will be assured that we remain in balance regardless of what our partner is or is not doing at the moment.
In a healthy relationships partners make every effort to be compassionate, respectful and considerate of one another. We do not feel the need to meet each others expectations as we know that we are responsible for meeting our own. In this way we assure that we remain balanced, emotionally available and connected in our lives and in our relationships.
Expectations can be a double edged sword. At times we gain power and insight from the expectations we have of ourselves. But what about the expectations we have of our partner? How do they affect our relationship?
If we expect our partner to fulfill our expectations we may be placing undue pressure on both our partner and our relationship. We hold the responsibility to fulfill our own expectations. When we give that power away, we lose the ability to practice self care. We give control of ourselves and our happiness over to another. When we do that we may be setting ourselves up for disappointment.
As much as our partner may wish to please us and may make every effort to act in our best interest, there will be times when their desires and ours will not overlap. If we have placed our expectations in their hands we will surely be disappointed and possibly hurt. If we have, instead, taken responsibility for our own expectations we will be assured that we remain in balance regardless of what our partner is or is not doing at the moment.
In a healthy relationships partners make every effort to be compassionate, respectful and considerate of one another. We do not feel the need to meet each others expectations as we know that we are responsible for meeting our own. In this way we assure that we remain balanced, emotionally available and connected in our lives and in our relationships.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Why Don't I Feel For My Partner Any Longer?
What happened to the feelings we used to have for one another in our relationship? Where did they go? Can we get back to a place where we can feel that way again?
We must try to understand that our feelings didn't just vanish overnight. They faded away a little at a time over the years as we and our partner built walls not bridges, with the communications we shared. Those walls are made of bricks crafted of disappointment, bitterness, resentments, hurts, loss, pain, rejection and uncertainty.
Since it took years to create those walls we cannot expect them to come down quickly. The mortar that holds those bricks together is formed from defense mechanisms that each of us have learned during our time together to protect ourselves from further pain and loss.
The reason we don't "feel anything" for our partner right now, is because we have experienced so much pain, loss and disappointment... that our defense mechanisms have sprung up to protect us... in this way we don't feel anything at all... we're numb.
It's easier to be numb than to feel pain. But remember, numb means we don't feel joy (or love) either. In order to begin to "feel" for our partner again, we are going to have to experience the backlog of frozen feelings that we have been avoiding through being numb. Once we have cleared through all that frozen pain, loss, disappointment and whatever else is in there... quite a lot of work... we will begin to experience our emotions once again.
This is not a task for the faint hearted. Facing all the "stuff" that we have denied and allowed our defenses to freeze will be a courageous experience like none other we have undertaken in our adult life.
BUT... it is a journey worth every ounce of effort. It will bring us to a place of peace unlike anything we have ever experienced. Good luck to each of us as we embark on our journey... and all our hopes that we find ourselves through this process of recovery.
We must try to understand that our feelings didn't just vanish overnight. They faded away a little at a time over the years as we and our partner built walls not bridges, with the communications we shared. Those walls are made of bricks crafted of disappointment, bitterness, resentments, hurts, loss, pain, rejection and uncertainty.
Since it took years to create those walls we cannot expect them to come down quickly. The mortar that holds those bricks together is formed from defense mechanisms that each of us have learned during our time together to protect ourselves from further pain and loss.
The reason we don't "feel anything" for our partner right now, is because we have experienced so much pain, loss and disappointment... that our defense mechanisms have sprung up to protect us... in this way we don't feel anything at all... we're numb.
It's easier to be numb than to feel pain. But remember, numb means we don't feel joy (or love) either. In order to begin to "feel" for our partner again, we are going to have to experience the backlog of frozen feelings that we have been avoiding through being numb. Once we have cleared through all that frozen pain, loss, disappointment and whatever else is in there... quite a lot of work... we will begin to experience our emotions once again.
This is not a task for the faint hearted. Facing all the "stuff" that we have denied and allowed our defenses to freeze will be a courageous experience like none other we have undertaken in our adult life.
BUT... it is a journey worth every ounce of effort. It will bring us to a place of peace unlike anything we have ever experienced. Good luck to each of us as we embark on our journey... and all our hopes that we find ourselves through this process of recovery.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Why Is Betrayal So Complex?
Betrayal is complex. Although it appears simple and straight forward it is not. Betrayal comes in many forms... adultery is one, domestic violence is another, so is spousal abuse.
There are a number of reasons why people betray. The most profound is that before we can betray our partner, we must first betray ourselves. As partners we generally agree on basic human values. We have made certain agreements about how we will behave in the relationship.
When we make the decision to betray we first decide not to honor our own internal values. We intellectualize our emotions and turn off our feelings. If we permitted ourselves to feel, we would be overwhelmed with saddness and disappointment in our own behavior, so we choose to feel nothing.
Once we have become numb it is impossible to feel the pain and loss that we are creating by our betrayal. We are living in our heads, not in our hearts. After the initial numb phase has passed and the reality of our situation has begun to sink in, we may begin to defrost. This is a very dangerous time for us. We may face an overwhelming backlog of feelings that have been stifled during our numb stage. As we process these feelings we may swing from grief and regret over the losses we caused to anger and blame over the consequences of our actions.
Through it all we may find that we are no happier with our new life than our old one. We have not dealt with our issues, only substituted one set of problems for another. The common denominator being the same... us.
There are a number of reasons why people betray. The most profound is that before we can betray our partner, we must first betray ourselves. As partners we generally agree on basic human values. We have made certain agreements about how we will behave in the relationship.
When we make the decision to betray we first decide not to honor our own internal values. We intellectualize our emotions and turn off our feelings. If we permitted ourselves to feel, we would be overwhelmed with saddness and disappointment in our own behavior, so we choose to feel nothing.
Once we have become numb it is impossible to feel the pain and loss that we are creating by our betrayal. We are living in our heads, not in our hearts. After the initial numb phase has passed and the reality of our situation has begun to sink in, we may begin to defrost. This is a very dangerous time for us. We may face an overwhelming backlog of feelings that have been stifled during our numb stage. As we process these feelings we may swing from grief and regret over the losses we caused to anger and blame over the consequences of our actions.
Through it all we may find that we are no happier with our new life than our old one. We have not dealt with our issues, only substituted one set of problems for another. The common denominator being the same... us.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Happiness is an Inside Job
One of the issues we all face during our lives is our dissatisfaction level. Some of us seem to be able to be happy pretty much regardless of our circumstances. Others of us have a hard time being happy even when everything seems to be going well. Why does this happen? What can we do about it?
Happiness is an inside job. When we enter a relationship as a person who is already happy and fulfilled in their lives, we bring ourselves as a gift to the relationship. When we come to a relationship with the expectation that our partner will be the one to make us happy, we are setting ourselves up for failure. No one person outside of us can fulfill us or make us a happy person. That is a task that each of us has to do for themselves.
When we enter into a relationship with our partner with the expectation that they will fulfill us, or make us feel happy when we are not, we are doomed to disappointment. If we are unhappy to begin with, eventually we will become unhappy again if we are not working on ourselves to change that dynamic. When that happens, we may blame our partner for our unhappiness rather than taking it upon ourselves to better our situation. Too many times we may leave the relationship once we feel unhappy, looking for a different partner to fix our happiness level. We will repeat this pattern over and over again, leaving relationship after relationship looking for the one who will finally make us feel fulfilled, when all along it was our responsibility to fulfill ourselves.
We want to bring ourselves as a gift to our relationship with something of value to add to that living dynamic entity. We do not want to be an albatross around our partners neck dragging them down with us into our pool of unhappiness. To that end we work on our recovery. We use our tools in our daily lives to help us overcome our issues and increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of happiness.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Why Aren't I Happy When Everything Is Perfect?
"Happiness isn't out there, it's in here", she said pointing to her chest.
A profound statement. Being happy is not something we aspire to once we get our to do list completed. Happiness is not what we get when we find the one. We don't suddenly become happy when we are in the right relationship with the right partner living in the right house with the right kids and the right dog.
Happiness is an inside job. It's something we make our personal responsibility to work on every day. Some of us are more optimistic than others. We see the glass as half full. We see the silver lining in the clouds. We give people some slack. That doesn't mean that we don't have to make an effort to be happy. It just means that for us, maybe its a little easier. It may even mean that we are more willing to do what it takes to see the better side of life. We are more willing to be ahead of the weather rather than under the weather.
Much of the way we see life comes from our family of origin. We learn from our caretakers by watching how they deal with adversity. When our caretakers have the ability to rebound from setbacks and keep on keepin' on, we learn that lesson. We learn to use our struggle muscle.
We all have setbacks and disappointments in life. Our ability to bounce back and regain our balance is of prime importance in our ability to be happy. When we can take a trial in stride and either try again or learn from it, our self esteem increases. We see ourselves in a positive light, as triumphant. We all get knocked down on occasion. Our ability to get back up and keep on our path is key to our sense of value and our happiness.
When we are living our lives in sync with our personal values and goals we will feel our best. We may have setbacks and disappointments along the road, but if we are happy within ourselves we will be able to regain our balance and continue along our chosen path. We practice self care in our daily lives to increase our self esteem and improve our ability to bounce back from setbacks. As we use our tools and move along our chosen path, we have faith that we are not alone. We walk with may others who use the same tools. In this way our efforts yield us our ultimate gift, happiness.
A profound statement. Being happy is not something we aspire to once we get our to do list completed. Happiness is not what we get when we find the one. We don't suddenly become happy when we are in the right relationship with the right partner living in the right house with the right kids and the right dog.
Happiness is an inside job. It's something we make our personal responsibility to work on every day. Some of us are more optimistic than others. We see the glass as half full. We see the silver lining in the clouds. We give people some slack. That doesn't mean that we don't have to make an effort to be happy. It just means that for us, maybe its a little easier. It may even mean that we are more willing to do what it takes to see the better side of life. We are more willing to be ahead of the weather rather than under the weather.
Much of the way we see life comes from our family of origin. We learn from our caretakers by watching how they deal with adversity. When our caretakers have the ability to rebound from setbacks and keep on keepin' on, we learn that lesson. We learn to use our struggle muscle.
We all have setbacks and disappointments in life. Our ability to bounce back and regain our balance is of prime importance in our ability to be happy. When we can take a trial in stride and either try again or learn from it, our self esteem increases. We see ourselves in a positive light, as triumphant. We all get knocked down on occasion. Our ability to get back up and keep on our path is key to our sense of value and our happiness.
When we are living our lives in sync with our personal values and goals we will feel our best. We may have setbacks and disappointments along the road, but if we are happy within ourselves we will be able to regain our balance and continue along our chosen path. We practice self care in our daily lives to increase our self esteem and improve our ability to bounce back from setbacks. As we use our tools and move along our chosen path, we have faith that we are not alone. We walk with may others who use the same tools. In this way our efforts yield us our ultimate gift, happiness.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Life is just... Life
Life is so hard! It's not fair! Why is this happening to me? I didn't do anything! I can't take it anymore! Who says so! How could this be possible? I wasn't there! When will all the drama end? If I have to say this one more time...! Why do I let this go on? Sound familiar???
No one said life would be easy. Life is just... life. And yes, life often isn't very fair. Kind, decent people die in terrible ways in wars. Stuff just... happens, and sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all. Life can be random and chaotic. Yet, through all the disappointment, loss and pain, there is the other side of life... the joyful, loving, balanced part where ordinary people live out a good portion of their lives with a significant degree of happiness. Yes, the painful times come to us all. How we cope with them is more of an indicator of our mental stability than how we enjoy the happier times.
These are the reasons we use our tools, practice self care, make our daily lives as positive as possible and try to see the glass as half full. We have many assets available for use in our lives. The most valuable of these is time. That is the one that we cannot recoup, cannot rewind, cannot say, "Do over!!" when it has past. We try to live each day to its fullest. We allow ourselves to be as present in each moment as humanly possible.
It is the realization that we have a limited amount of time in our lives that brings many of us to that point where we want to live a more meaningful existence. We question how we have used our time thus far and begin to make informed decisions about what we intend to do with the remainder of our lives. We can think about our choices with the following in mind: When we are lying on our death beds, what will we wish we had done more of? That is the place to begin spending our time.
Life is just... life. Make it the best trip!!
No one said life would be easy. Life is just... life. And yes, life often isn't very fair. Kind, decent people die in terrible ways in wars. Stuff just... happens, and sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all. Life can be random and chaotic. Yet, through all the disappointment, loss and pain, there is the other side of life... the joyful, loving, balanced part where ordinary people live out a good portion of their lives with a significant degree of happiness. Yes, the painful times come to us all. How we cope with them is more of an indicator of our mental stability than how we enjoy the happier times.
These are the reasons we use our tools, practice self care, make our daily lives as positive as possible and try to see the glass as half full. We have many assets available for use in our lives. The most valuable of these is time. That is the one that we cannot recoup, cannot rewind, cannot say, "Do over!!" when it has past. We try to live each day to its fullest. We allow ourselves to be as present in each moment as humanly possible.
It is the realization that we have a limited amount of time in our lives that brings many of us to that point where we want to live a more meaningful existence. We question how we have used our time thus far and begin to make informed decisions about what we intend to do with the remainder of our lives. We can think about our choices with the following in mind: When we are lying on our death beds, what will we wish we had done more of? That is the place to begin spending our time.
Life is just... life. Make it the best trip!!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Expectations
It's finally the weekend... We all know how wonderful it feels after another week of work to anticipate the freedom of the weekend. We can sleep in, eat brunch, run errands unhurriedly, pursue our hobbies, visit with friends and enjoy an evening out. What happens when we run into a conflict with our partner? Can we cope with our feelings in a productive way? If we have tools at our disposal, are we using them?
When partners clash during recreational times it can be disappointing. They may start out their time with a relaxing plan of time spent together. If communication is inadequate, the situation may deteriorate from fun to frustration. When one or both partners fail to communicate their desires, the relationship may become unbalanced. One party may be steering the activities without knowing that the other partner is dissatisfied.
In partnerships it is the responsibility of both parties in the relationship to make their needs and wants known. If assumptions are being made by either party that the other knows what their desires are, then there is sure to be disappointment and unmet expectations. Each of us is responsible for communicating our desires. We must not assume that another knows what we think or need. We have an obligation to let our view be known. We may believe we are doing our partners a favor by going along with their plan. In the end, however, we will feel resentful that our needs are not being met. This may lead to hostility and discord.
Should that happen, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We must take responsibility for our lives and use our tools. We owe it to ourselves and our partners to voice our view, to announce our desires, and to ask to have our needs met. When we do this we give our partner the opportunity to validate our importance, as both an individual and as a party to the partnership.
The term partnership implies that we are equals, both important, both having needs to be met. We give our partners the pleasure of meeting our needs, as we have met theirs. We do not need to be wall flowers hiding ourselves from the light of day. We can stretch out our stems and enjoy the sunshine that comes with having our importance validated. We only lose when we don't ask. But when we ask, we give ourselves the opportunity to win. We must use our tools for self care in getting our needs met. As we do, we increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of validation.
When partners clash during recreational times it can be disappointing. They may start out their time with a relaxing plan of time spent together. If communication is inadequate, the situation may deteriorate from fun to frustration. When one or both partners fail to communicate their desires, the relationship may become unbalanced. One party may be steering the activities without knowing that the other partner is dissatisfied.
In partnerships it is the responsibility of both parties in the relationship to make their needs and wants known. If assumptions are being made by either party that the other knows what their desires are, then there is sure to be disappointment and unmet expectations. Each of us is responsible for communicating our desires. We must not assume that another knows what we think or need. We have an obligation to let our view be known. We may believe we are doing our partners a favor by going along with their plan. In the end, however, we will feel resentful that our needs are not being met. This may lead to hostility and discord.
Should that happen, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We must take responsibility for our lives and use our tools. We owe it to ourselves and our partners to voice our view, to announce our desires, and to ask to have our needs met. When we do this we give our partner the opportunity to validate our importance, as both an individual and as a party to the partnership.
The term partnership implies that we are equals, both important, both having needs to be met. We give our partners the pleasure of meeting our needs, as we have met theirs. We do not need to be wall flowers hiding ourselves from the light of day. We can stretch out our stems and enjoy the sunshine that comes with having our importance validated. We only lose when we don't ask. But when we ask, we give ourselves the opportunity to win. We must use our tools for self care in getting our needs met. As we do, we increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of validation.
Friday, March 20, 2009
FWB - Friends With Benefits
Can the concept of FWB (friends with benefits) work? Can two consenting adults be friends and share physical intimacy regularly, without increasing their emotional involvement and risking relationship trauma?
Real friendship itself is in fact a significant form of intimacy. Friends share details of their daily lives with one another creating a web of links that bind them together. Sex, on the other hand, may not be intimacy at all. Sex by itself can be simply meeting a biological need... so long as there is no significant emotional attachment. Having casual sex with someone seen once in a great while during times when both parties are single does not necessarily involve friendship, but a casual physical link. The, meet you in the Bahamas once a year, thing can be fun, but that isn't what FWB generally means.
When we enter into a FWB relationship, we generally see one another regularly. It's the regularly part that may become the problem. Mixing real friendship and sex may eventually become problematic because expectations evolve during a friendship... honesty, reliability, accountability, trust... and this may involve exposing ourself to being vulnerable. Physical intimacy added to that equation may inevitably bring two people closer. Being friends first is a great way to start a relationship as long as there is honesty between partners about feelings.
Unfortunately, it is all too common that one party to the FWB pact is hoping that a more serious relationship will grow out of the new level of intimacy. Pretending to feel less than we do, may lead to significant disappointment if the other party doesn't feel the same. We can end up feeling shamed or used. It behooves us to go back and decide whether or not we are truly friends, or just casual acquaintances who are physically attracted to one another.
If we are casual acquaintances who are interested in becoming more intimate through physical contact, we must honestly approach our partner and be forthcoming about out true feelings and intentions. We protect both ourselves and our partner by laying our cards on the table. If we have no intention of becoming emotionally involved, we must be up front about this fact. It is our responsibility to let our partner know that we are not interested in any further level of relationship. This gives them the option to decline participation and protect themselves from the risk of emotional trauma, if they are hoping for more than what we can offer. If we believe that they are not being honest with us or themselves, we may take the initiative and decide not to further physical intimacy.
The concern is that we make a choice to be sexually involved with someone, later finding out that we or they actually do have feelings beyond friendship. Now what?
Real friendship itself is in fact a significant form of intimacy. Friends share details of their daily lives with one another creating a web of links that bind them together. Sex, on the other hand, may not be intimacy at all. Sex by itself can be simply meeting a biological need... so long as there is no significant emotional attachment. Having casual sex with someone seen once in a great while during times when both parties are single does not necessarily involve friendship, but a casual physical link. The, meet you in the Bahamas once a year, thing can be fun, but that isn't what FWB generally means.
When we enter into a FWB relationship, we generally see one another regularly. It's the regularly part that may become the problem. Mixing real friendship and sex may eventually become problematic because expectations evolve during a friendship... honesty, reliability, accountability, trust... and this may involve exposing ourself to being vulnerable. Physical intimacy added to that equation may inevitably bring two people closer. Being friends first is a great way to start a relationship as long as there is honesty between partners about feelings.
Unfortunately, it is all too common that one party to the FWB pact is hoping that a more serious relationship will grow out of the new level of intimacy. Pretending to feel less than we do, may lead to significant disappointment if the other party doesn't feel the same. We can end up feeling shamed or used. It behooves us to go back and decide whether or not we are truly friends, or just casual acquaintances who are physically attracted to one another.
If we are casual acquaintances who are interested in becoming more intimate through physical contact, we must honestly approach our partner and be forthcoming about out true feelings and intentions. We protect both ourselves and our partner by laying our cards on the table. If we have no intention of becoming emotionally involved, we must be up front about this fact. It is our responsibility to let our partner know that we are not interested in any further level of relationship. This gives them the option to decline participation and protect themselves from the risk of emotional trauma, if they are hoping for more than what we can offer. If we believe that they are not being honest with us or themselves, we may take the initiative and decide not to further physical intimacy.
The concern is that we make a choice to be sexually involved with someone, later finding out that we or they actually do have feelings beyond friendship. Now what?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
The Process
We begin our journey into recovery by undergoing a process. That process takes us through stages of growth and change. As we move through the various parts we undergo a tremendous paradigm shift. We begin by seeing ourselves through our own myopic view. As we move along our path we come to see ourselves through the eyes of others. It is truly an illuminating experience. One only tackled by the bravest among us.
As we begin our expedition we may see an initial glimpse of how we are perceived by others. Our initial reaction may be one of denial. We may have a great deal of trouble accepting what we have experienced. There may be much shame and fear involved. Our defense mechanisms kick in to protect us from pain.
Over time as we repeatedly see these glimpses of ourselves and our behavior our defense mechanisms may falter and we may not be able to remain in denial at all times. This may produce pain. Our reaction may be to become angry. We may be infuriated at the thought that the world is not as we have perceived it. We may feel duped and shamed by our inability to discern accurately. We may be fearful of further disclosure. Anger protects us from feeling the full impact of our new knowledge.
As our anger subsides we may begin to bargain, with ourselves and others. Our defenses are again protecting us from the full brunt of incorporating our new knowledge. We may rationalize our behaviors, or the behavior of others as acceptable due to extenuating circumstances.
Eventually bargaining no longer protects us from the full impact of how we are perceived by others. We see ourselves for the first time with all our dysfunction. It is a painful moment. We may feel depressed as we process this information. But it is an important moment. We are at the true beginning of our recovery process. It is from this desolate place that we can rebuild into our best self.
We work hard, using our tools, practicing self care, taking three steps forward and two steps back, letting our higher power guide us along our path, coping with disappointment and frustration, having patience with ourselves as we falter. We rage and scream as we fight the changes that must be made for our higher selves to emerge. We may see no improvement for a time and then suddenly we see it... we have responded differently to a situation that previously caused us much consternation. We have changed!! Hope emerges like the sun on a rainy afternoon and we bask in the knowledge that we are succeeding. We have come to a place of acceptance. Our process works, we are secure in the knowledge that despite setbacks we will continue along our path, and our future brightens.
As we begin our expedition we may see an initial glimpse of how we are perceived by others. Our initial reaction may be one of denial. We may have a great deal of trouble accepting what we have experienced. There may be much shame and fear involved. Our defense mechanisms kick in to protect us from pain.
Over time as we repeatedly see these glimpses of ourselves and our behavior our defense mechanisms may falter and we may not be able to remain in denial at all times. This may produce pain. Our reaction may be to become angry. We may be infuriated at the thought that the world is not as we have perceived it. We may feel duped and shamed by our inability to discern accurately. We may be fearful of further disclosure. Anger protects us from feeling the full impact of our new knowledge.
As our anger subsides we may begin to bargain, with ourselves and others. Our defenses are again protecting us from the full brunt of incorporating our new knowledge. We may rationalize our behaviors, or the behavior of others as acceptable due to extenuating circumstances.
Eventually bargaining no longer protects us from the full impact of how we are perceived by others. We see ourselves for the first time with all our dysfunction. It is a painful moment. We may feel depressed as we process this information. But it is an important moment. We are at the true beginning of our recovery process. It is from this desolate place that we can rebuild into our best self.
We work hard, using our tools, practicing self care, taking three steps forward and two steps back, letting our higher power guide us along our path, coping with disappointment and frustration, having patience with ourselves as we falter. We rage and scream as we fight the changes that must be made for our higher selves to emerge. We may see no improvement for a time and then suddenly we see it... we have responded differently to a situation that previously caused us much consternation. We have changed!! Hope emerges like the sun on a rainy afternoon and we bask in the knowledge that we are succeeding. We have come to a place of acceptance. Our process works, we are secure in the knowledge that despite setbacks we will continue along our path, and our future brightens.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Disappointment
So often in our daily lives we suffer disappointments. How we respond rather than react makes all the difference in how we view these challenges. We cannot control the behaviors of others. We can only control how we respond to what happens. We always have a choice... to react and let our overwhelmed feelings cause us to lose control in that moment. Or to respond... taking a moment to detach, breathe, assess and decide with our intellect how we wish to proceed. Responding appropriately to challenging situations doesn't lessen the difficulties they present, however, it does allow us to maintain our dignity and think through our behavior. We give ourselves the gift of time. Time to reflect... even for a moment... on the consequences of our choices, the words we choose to use to handle our dilemma, and the ability to process the feelings we have in the present moment so that we may move forward in a responsible manner. The word response-able says much... the ability to respond. This is a tool we can use in our daily lives to enhance the quality of our interactions and our self esteem. As we respond more and react less, we feel better about ourselves and our sense of personal control.
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