If you don't want the truth... don't ask me. If you want something sugarcoated... go eat a donut.
Today while surfing online I read a post that struck me. It really got me thinking... do we want to hear the truth when we come to a counselor looking for support? Or are we just there to have someone reinforce our own point of view? Are we looking for truth or validation?
Personally, I think we attend counseling to allow another to tell us the truth. It may be the awful truth... it may be something we'd rather not hear... but in the end what we really desire is for someone... anyone... to finally be 100% honest with us.
Why do I think that is the case? Because for many of us we have been deceived and manipulated by others for so long that we doubt our ability to discern the truth. We have lost our innate trust in our own gut.
It may have happened when we were kids and our parents refused to discuss the elephant in the room... an alcoholic or abusive parent or sibling for example... and we began to believe that somehow we were wrong. We saw that elephant... didn't they? Why wouldn't they talk to us about it? Why did they insist it wasn't there? Were we unable to properly distinguish reality? They are big... we are small... they know what's real... we don't. We are scared by this difference in perception. In order to feel safe we decide to believe they are right.
Here we are... many years later. We try to select a partner with whom to create a life. We pick someone who "feels right". All goes well at first... we then discover we have chosen a person who mirrors some of the same dysfunction we experienced in our childhoods. It "felt right" because as dysfunctional as our childhoods may have been... it's comfortable... familiar.
Years pass and we and our partner drift apart. We come to counseling and we vent... we cry... we allow ourselves to be seen in all our pain. We want answers. We want someone... anyone... to finally tell us why this happened in our relationship.
Finally we begin to see the truth. We are told something in counseling that infuriates us and realize we are still reacting to the same old pain. Sometimes we read a book and see ourselves in a new light. Sometimes others situations are similar and we learn from their wisdom. However it happens... we learn more about ourselves through the process.
In the end we come through the experience with new wisdom... an inner strength we never knew existed... and discover serenity and acceptance.
Showing posts with label validation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label validation. Show all posts
Monday, January 3, 2011
Monday, March 22, 2010
It's Okay for Me to Have Needs Too?
My partner seems to forget special occasions... I feel badly yet I don't say anything about it. Should I mention it... or is it unimportant? I feel appreciated and loved all the rest of the days... am I being petty? What should I do?
We can be applauded for handling forgetfulness in a classy way. We save our partner from feeling shamed by not making a fuss when an occasion is accidentally forgotten. It is all right to forget occasionally. However, if forgetting becomes a pattern in a relationship, there is generally more going on than just an accidental lapse with regard to a date or event.
It is not uncommon to have a partner who forgets occasions. We all get the same excuses... I forgot... I didn't have time... I was busy with xyz... The truth is that we all have the same twenty four hours each day. What we do with that time is a display of what we value.
We may go through many, many occasions with us being the one to let it go until we realize that we also have needs and that it's okay to ask to have those needs met. Yes, our partner is wonderful and shows love every day in many different ways. If this one way is important to us - and it may be - then why should we discount ourselves? Our partner enjoys receiving recognition on important occasions... why not us too?
After a pattern of forgetting develops, we can have a chat with our partner. We can share that we would prefer a blank card with a picture that means something to us both... something from the heart written inside... rather than an elaborate gift. Remembrances don't have to be expensive or complex... they allow us to feel valued on days that are special to us.
Sharing how important this is to us and being vulnerable, we allow our partner to feel safe enough to share whatever the underlying issue may be. After listening and empathizing, we reassure our partner... whatever efforts they can make... whatever is on their heart... they can feel comfortable acknowledging occasions... knowing that their efforts will be appreciated.
It can work out well for both parties. We can learn to communicate our needs and in the process both we and our partner get validated. When a partner is reluctant to do something simple - like acknowledging an occasion - there is usually a deeper issue at the heart of the resistance. Eventually as partners feel safe with one another, they will share their fears and reluctance, thereby overcoming the obstacles keeping them from intimacy.
We can be applauded for handling forgetfulness in a classy way. We save our partner from feeling shamed by not making a fuss when an occasion is accidentally forgotten. It is all right to forget occasionally. However, if forgetting becomes a pattern in a relationship, there is generally more going on than just an accidental lapse with regard to a date or event.
It is not uncommon to have a partner who forgets occasions. We all get the same excuses... I forgot... I didn't have time... I was busy with xyz... The truth is that we all have the same twenty four hours each day. What we do with that time is a display of what we value.
We may go through many, many occasions with us being the one to let it go until we realize that we also have needs and that it's okay to ask to have those needs met. Yes, our partner is wonderful and shows love every day in many different ways. If this one way is important to us - and it may be - then why should we discount ourselves? Our partner enjoys receiving recognition on important occasions... why not us too?
After a pattern of forgetting develops, we can have a chat with our partner. We can share that we would prefer a blank card with a picture that means something to us both... something from the heart written inside... rather than an elaborate gift. Remembrances don't have to be expensive or complex... they allow us to feel valued on days that are special to us.
Sharing how important this is to us and being vulnerable, we allow our partner to feel safe enough to share whatever the underlying issue may be. After listening and empathizing, we reassure our partner... whatever efforts they can make... whatever is on their heart... they can feel comfortable acknowledging occasions... knowing that their efforts will be appreciated.
It can work out well for both parties. We can learn to communicate our needs and in the process both we and our partner get validated. When a partner is reluctant to do something simple - like acknowledging an occasion - there is usually a deeper issue at the heart of the resistance. Eventually as partners feel safe with one another, they will share their fears and reluctance, thereby overcoming the obstacles keeping them from intimacy.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Drown Out the Discussion
It seems we have reached a point in Washington where the divisive rhetoric is so loud that we can't hear the facts anymore. This drown out the discussion strategy for trying to defeat health care reform isn't new. It has been used time and time again over the 200 plus years we have existed as a nation to drown out the voices of change. This truth is it isn't limited to Washington.
In our relationships some of us use the same strategy when we disagree. Instead of talking respectfully and listening attentively, so as to understand both sides of the situation, some of us practice drown out the discussion tactics. We appear to be listening when our partner is sharing their point of view, however what we may be doing is forming our next talking point. Many times we may be so absorbed with our own agenda that we hear virtually nothing being spoken. This can be a major contributor to poor communication between ourselves and our partner.
How do we become more attentive and focused as a listener? We keep our posture in an attitude of attentiveness. We lean forward slightly and look our partner in the eye. We keep our hands free and unoccupied. We listen without passing judgement or forming a reply. We focus on what is being shared. When our partner has finished speaking we reflect back the essence of the words and emotion that has been shared with us. We ask for confirmation. If necessary, we allow corrections and repeat the process until we have fully grasped our partners point of view. This process allows our partner to feel heard and validated. When our partner is satisfied that they have been fully understood they will be ready to listen to our point of view in the same manner.
Conversely, when we are the one sharing we focus on being succinct. We try to proceed through our points in a logical manner flowing from idea to idea in as few moments as possible. If we share too much at once our partner may lose our overall concept and be unable to comprehend our point of view. If we have a great deal to share we may need to break it into segments shared one at a time. When our partner reflects back our words and emotions, we listen attentively to ensure that the entirety of our message has been received. If we need to make corrections we do so gently and respectfully. When we are satisfied that we have been fully understood we thank our partner for their patience and compassion.
These simple ideas can bring us out of the morass of confusion and into the light of clarity. Communication can be misinterpreted easily. Tone of voice, words with multiple meanings, a look, a sigh, all can turn a discussion into a disagreement. With patience and practice we can learn to have a productive discussion even when we disagree.
As we find our voice and begin to speak our minds, we may encounter disagreements with our partner. Our ability to disagree without being disagreeable will ensure that we keep good will in our relationship. As we do so we increase our self esteem. We practice self care in our daily lives using our tools and practicing compassion. This form of communication is a tool we will use and cherish as we walk our path of recovery.
In our relationships some of us use the same strategy when we disagree. Instead of talking respectfully and listening attentively, so as to understand both sides of the situation, some of us practice drown out the discussion tactics. We appear to be listening when our partner is sharing their point of view, however what we may be doing is forming our next talking point. Many times we may be so absorbed with our own agenda that we hear virtually nothing being spoken. This can be a major contributor to poor communication between ourselves and our partner.
How do we become more attentive and focused as a listener? We keep our posture in an attitude of attentiveness. We lean forward slightly and look our partner in the eye. We keep our hands free and unoccupied. We listen without passing judgement or forming a reply. We focus on what is being shared. When our partner has finished speaking we reflect back the essence of the words and emotion that has been shared with us. We ask for confirmation. If necessary, we allow corrections and repeat the process until we have fully grasped our partners point of view. This process allows our partner to feel heard and validated. When our partner is satisfied that they have been fully understood they will be ready to listen to our point of view in the same manner.
Conversely, when we are the one sharing we focus on being succinct. We try to proceed through our points in a logical manner flowing from idea to idea in as few moments as possible. If we share too much at once our partner may lose our overall concept and be unable to comprehend our point of view. If we have a great deal to share we may need to break it into segments shared one at a time. When our partner reflects back our words and emotions, we listen attentively to ensure that the entirety of our message has been received. If we need to make corrections we do so gently and respectfully. When we are satisfied that we have been fully understood we thank our partner for their patience and compassion.
These simple ideas can bring us out of the morass of confusion and into the light of clarity. Communication can be misinterpreted easily. Tone of voice, words with multiple meanings, a look, a sigh, all can turn a discussion into a disagreement. With patience and practice we can learn to have a productive discussion even when we disagree.
As we find our voice and begin to speak our minds, we may encounter disagreements with our partner. Our ability to disagree without being disagreeable will ensure that we keep good will in our relationship. As we do so we increase our self esteem. We practice self care in our daily lives using our tools and practicing compassion. This form of communication is a tool we will use and cherish as we walk our path of recovery.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
I Don't Want To Talk About It!! But I DO!!
Men and women process differently. As a result of this, counseling, which is mostly verbal, tends to feed the woman's format more than the man's. This contributes to his hesitance and her willingness. Gaining an understanding of the structure and purpose of counseling may help.
Often times it is the woman in the relationship who want to see a counselor. She has issues she has tried to discuss with her partner on her own, but to no avail. She now wants help in opening up a dialogue with her partner. She may feel emotionally disconnected in the relationship finding the lack of progress extremely frustrating. Her belief may be that a disinterested party will be able to bring the issues to the forefront and begin real movement toward change. For her, talking about issues and hearing herself discuss them aloud gives her the ability to make a decision. She may talk all around the issue, bringing up seemingly unrelated details and scenarios until she feels she has found herself.
Very often her partner has no desire to have a third party involved in the dialogue. It is not unusual for men to feel uncomfortable talking about feelings. They may feel unmanly discussing their relationship issues with a counselor due to the interpretation among many men that seeking help of any kind intimates incompetency. Men tend to feel uncomfortable talking about issues. Their general processing pattern may be to mull over difficulties in their head, come to a decision then share that decision with their partner. Talking through a decision may not be helpful and may actually interfere with their processing pattern. In their growing years men are taught to be independent, not to rely on others for solving their problems and make decisions on their own. Men may believe that counseling goes against these ideals learned from society.
In fact, counseling gives both partners a chance to air their views, feel heard and validated and have a say in the solution to their difficulties. Many times partners have black and white views of their problem. They each see only their side of the issue. Life has many shades of grey. We want solution A and don't want solution B. However we have never even thought of solution C. That is the purpose of counseling, to give a fresh perspective that may spark a new solution.
Many times partners are stuck. They may need just a small prod to get unstuck and back into balance. Counseling may provide just that tiny nudge in the right direction to get partners back on track.
Often times it is the woman in the relationship who want to see a counselor. She has issues she has tried to discuss with her partner on her own, but to no avail. She now wants help in opening up a dialogue with her partner. She may feel emotionally disconnected in the relationship finding the lack of progress extremely frustrating. Her belief may be that a disinterested party will be able to bring the issues to the forefront and begin real movement toward change. For her, talking about issues and hearing herself discuss them aloud gives her the ability to make a decision. She may talk all around the issue, bringing up seemingly unrelated details and scenarios until she feels she has found herself.
Very often her partner has no desire to have a third party involved in the dialogue. It is not unusual for men to feel uncomfortable talking about feelings. They may feel unmanly discussing their relationship issues with a counselor due to the interpretation among many men that seeking help of any kind intimates incompetency. Men tend to feel uncomfortable talking about issues. Their general processing pattern may be to mull over difficulties in their head, come to a decision then share that decision with their partner. Talking through a decision may not be helpful and may actually interfere with their processing pattern. In their growing years men are taught to be independent, not to rely on others for solving their problems and make decisions on their own. Men may believe that counseling goes against these ideals learned from society.
In fact, counseling gives both partners a chance to air their views, feel heard and validated and have a say in the solution to their difficulties. Many times partners have black and white views of their problem. They each see only their side of the issue. Life has many shades of grey. We want solution A and don't want solution B. However we have never even thought of solution C. That is the purpose of counseling, to give a fresh perspective that may spark a new solution.
Many times partners are stuck. They may need just a small prod to get unstuck and back into balance. Counseling may provide just that tiny nudge in the right direction to get partners back on track.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Accepting Reality When We Don't Like It
A very wise woman once said, "The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it."
The same can be said of our relationships. When we are having difficulty in our relationships one of the hardest parts is accepting that we may need to change. It is always easier for us to point fingers at our partner rather than look at ourselves. When we practice self care, one of our most important tools is our use of introspection. When things aren't going as we might like and we have hit a rough spot we ask ourselves, "How did I contribute to this mess?"
We take the time to review the recent incidents in our relationship. Has a pattern emerged? Have we been hearing the same complaint from our partner lately? Is there any validity to what is being said? Can we see the situation from their point of view? In every conflict there is our side, our partners side, and the truth, which generally lies somewhere in the middle. Keeping this in mind may help us to be more open to seeing our partners position.
If we can see our part in the situation and take responsibility for our behavior, we may be able to begin to build bridges instead of walls. When we reach out in honesty to our partner and acknowledge how we have added to the difficulties, we open a line of communication that may lead to a better understanding between us both. This doesn't mean that we take the blame for our partners behavior or misdeeds, only that we recognize where we have misstepped and be willing to take personal responsibility for our part.
It takes maturity and self esteem to be able to admit that we erred and make amends. It may be difficult to put our ego aside and see ourselves as we are. However, if we are to grow we need to be willing to see ourselves as others see us, even if that view brings us pain.
Consistent use of our tools strengthens our self esteem and makes taking responsibility for our behavior, whether we approve or not, our choice. This alleviates us feeling shamed when we misstep and feel we must hide behind a mask of perfection. We are all human and all make mistakes. We resist the urge to succumb to the pretense of perfection by practicing self care and increasing our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of humility.
The same can be said of our relationships. When we are having difficulty in our relationships one of the hardest parts is accepting that we may need to change. It is always easier for us to point fingers at our partner rather than look at ourselves. When we practice self care, one of our most important tools is our use of introspection. When things aren't going as we might like and we have hit a rough spot we ask ourselves, "How did I contribute to this mess?"
We take the time to review the recent incidents in our relationship. Has a pattern emerged? Have we been hearing the same complaint from our partner lately? Is there any validity to what is being said? Can we see the situation from their point of view? In every conflict there is our side, our partners side, and the truth, which generally lies somewhere in the middle. Keeping this in mind may help us to be more open to seeing our partners position.
If we can see our part in the situation and take responsibility for our behavior, we may be able to begin to build bridges instead of walls. When we reach out in honesty to our partner and acknowledge how we have added to the difficulties, we open a line of communication that may lead to a better understanding between us both. This doesn't mean that we take the blame for our partners behavior or misdeeds, only that we recognize where we have misstepped and be willing to take personal responsibility for our part.
It takes maturity and self esteem to be able to admit that we erred and make amends. It may be difficult to put our ego aside and see ourselves as we are. However, if we are to grow we need to be willing to see ourselves as others see us, even if that view brings us pain.
Consistent use of our tools strengthens our self esteem and makes taking responsibility for our behavior, whether we approve or not, our choice. This alleviates us feeling shamed when we misstep and feel we must hide behind a mask of perfection. We are all human and all make mistakes. We resist the urge to succumb to the pretense of perfection by practicing self care and increasing our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of humility.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Why Am I Getting The Silent Treatment?
What do we do when our partner won't speak to us for an extended period of time following a disagreement? How do we cope with getting the silent treatment?
Partners in relationships don't always agree. Each of us are individuals with our own wants and needs. Sometimes those wants and needs conflict. There are many ways to deal with conflict in relationships. Effective communication is the key to resolving differences between two parties. Each has their own point of view which may have validity. Both need to feel heard and validated for meaningful discussion to take place leading to compromise.
What happens when our partner doesn't participate in communication or compromise? Following a disagreement our partner may retreat within themselves and refuse to talk for an extended period of time. This type of withdrawal can last hours, days or even weeks. This does not mean they are not communicating. The silent treatment is a form of communication. It may be an unpopular form for us, the recipient, but it can be quite effective. Our partner is communicating their feelings quite clearly. Their non-verbal message says,"Do what I want" clear as a bell. It says something else as well. It says, "I am unwilling to listen to your opinion, negotiate or compromise".
This extended period of silence is a form of emotional blackmail. Many partners may need some time to process after a disagreement. However, when the time taken has nothing to do with processing and everything to do with punishing, we are no longer dealing with healthy self care, but with unhealthy emotional blackmail. This type of punishing behavior leaves us out in the cold. Our partner believes they can use their anger and silence to control us.
The unsaid message, however, speaks volumes. The emotional blackmailer is unwilling to communicate in an open forum where we can put forth our opinion. Our partner may feel frightened of direct communication. They may not feel adept at defending their views. Alternatively, the emotional blackmailer may feel shamed regarding their lack of ability to communicate or explain their feelings, leading them to refuse to talk at all. Finally, this may be a habit learned from a dysfunctional family of origin during childhood. If caretakers handled conflict in this manner, this may well be the only style our partner has known.
It is difficult to deal with emotional blackmail. The silent treatment may cause bitterness and resentment over time as partners build walls instead of bridges. Stressing the safety of our partner in the relationship and the importance of communication is a beginning. We, as the communicator, have the responsibility to continue to reach out to our partner with loving detachment.
During times when all is calm and we feel centered, we can lovingly set a boundary with our partner that is comfortable for us regarding the time we will tolerate silence. We then enforce that boundary by detaching when our partner becomes silent. We lovingly let them know that we are going to take care of ourselves and enjoy our time without them. They can contact us by telephone when they are again ready to speak. We reinforce that we are not angry and that we look forward to seeing them again when they feel better.
In this way we give ourselves the freedom to enjoy our time without having to witness their attempt at emotional blackmail. Our partner learns that if they want to enjoy time with us, they cannot continue this mode of behavior. When we reconnect we do so in a loving manner. This leaves our partner to begin to deal with their feelings in a new way. Patience and loving detachment are the keys to moving a relationship past emotional blackmail and the silent treatment. As difficult and time consuming as it may be, it is imperative to ensuring the long term survival of the relationship.
Partners in relationships don't always agree. Each of us are individuals with our own wants and needs. Sometimes those wants and needs conflict. There are many ways to deal with conflict in relationships. Effective communication is the key to resolving differences between two parties. Each has their own point of view which may have validity. Both need to feel heard and validated for meaningful discussion to take place leading to compromise.
What happens when our partner doesn't participate in communication or compromise? Following a disagreement our partner may retreat within themselves and refuse to talk for an extended period of time. This type of withdrawal can last hours, days or even weeks. This does not mean they are not communicating. The silent treatment is a form of communication. It may be an unpopular form for us, the recipient, but it can be quite effective. Our partner is communicating their feelings quite clearly. Their non-verbal message says,"Do what I want" clear as a bell. It says something else as well. It says, "I am unwilling to listen to your opinion, negotiate or compromise".
This extended period of silence is a form of emotional blackmail. Many partners may need some time to process after a disagreement. However, when the time taken has nothing to do with processing and everything to do with punishing, we are no longer dealing with healthy self care, but with unhealthy emotional blackmail. This type of punishing behavior leaves us out in the cold. Our partner believes they can use their anger and silence to control us.
The unsaid message, however, speaks volumes. The emotional blackmailer is unwilling to communicate in an open forum where we can put forth our opinion. Our partner may feel frightened of direct communication. They may not feel adept at defending their views. Alternatively, the emotional blackmailer may feel shamed regarding their lack of ability to communicate or explain their feelings, leading them to refuse to talk at all. Finally, this may be a habit learned from a dysfunctional family of origin during childhood. If caretakers handled conflict in this manner, this may well be the only style our partner has known.
It is difficult to deal with emotional blackmail. The silent treatment may cause bitterness and resentment over time as partners build walls instead of bridges. Stressing the safety of our partner in the relationship and the importance of communication is a beginning. We, as the communicator, have the responsibility to continue to reach out to our partner with loving detachment.
During times when all is calm and we feel centered, we can lovingly set a boundary with our partner that is comfortable for us regarding the time we will tolerate silence. We then enforce that boundary by detaching when our partner becomes silent. We lovingly let them know that we are going to take care of ourselves and enjoy our time without them. They can contact us by telephone when they are again ready to speak. We reinforce that we are not angry and that we look forward to seeing them again when they feel better.
In this way we give ourselves the freedom to enjoy our time without having to witness their attempt at emotional blackmail. Our partner learns that if they want to enjoy time with us, they cannot continue this mode of behavior. When we reconnect we do so in a loving manner. This leaves our partner to begin to deal with their feelings in a new way. Patience and loving detachment are the keys to moving a relationship past emotional blackmail and the silent treatment. As difficult and time consuming as it may be, it is imperative to ensuring the long term survival of the relationship.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
That's How You See Me? That's Not How I See Myself!!
How do we appear to our partner when we are upset and angry? When we feel like the victim, what do others see in our response?
We cannot underestimate the importance of the message we intend vis a vis the message received when we communicate with others. How we feel on the inside is clearly different from what we project on the outside. When we feel victimized on the inside we may seem
abrasive and hostile on the outside. We may be feeling self rightous on the inside as regards the areas where we feel like the victim, but what we project seems defensive and rejecting toward others.
This disparity between how we perceive ourselves and how others see us may be one of the causes of negative responses when we try to communicate dissatisfaction within our relationship. We may have legitimate areas which require discussion and compromise, but if our communication is laced with negative emotion, our real message may get buried under all the unspoken hostility.
Those who see themselves as victims tend to feel hostile and angry. It is difficult to communicate effectively when our anger is leaking out during conversation. Our partner senses the unspoken issues and without any guidelines may fill in the blanks with their own misinformation. This can lead to serious misunderstandings making communication even more difficult.
The communication style known as dialoging is an important tool for avoiding some of the pitfalls in relational conversation. In dialoging partners reflect back both the spoken and unspoken messages that have been received during conversation. Rather than repeating the words back, partners interpret the spoken messages as well as the body language and emotions sensed. This type of communication gives partners the opportunity to really listen to one another. They are feeling heard, yet more importantly, understood and validated. There is a vast difference between parroting the words said and reflecting the entire meaning within a communication.
Realizing that we are not as we see ourselves is an important first step in learning effective communication skills. Our intentions have no meaning to others. They cannot sense what we mean, only what we say and project through body language. When we are aware of this disparity, we can make every effort to be as honest and open as possible in our conversation to attempt to avoid miscommunication and mixed messages.
We practice using our tools in our daily lives to enable us to put feeling words to our emotions. This part of self care allows us to process our emotions. In doing so, we become increasingly aware of how we feel and may appear to others. As we use our tools we increase our self esteem and give ourselves the gift of effective communication.
We cannot underestimate the importance of the message we intend vis a vis the message received when we communicate with others. How we feel on the inside is clearly different from what we project on the outside. When we feel victimized on the inside we may seem
abrasive and hostile on the outside. We may be feeling self rightous on the inside as regards the areas where we feel like the victim, but what we project seems defensive and rejecting toward others.
This disparity between how we perceive ourselves and how others see us may be one of the causes of negative responses when we try to communicate dissatisfaction within our relationship. We may have legitimate areas which require discussion and compromise, but if our communication is laced with negative emotion, our real message may get buried under all the unspoken hostility.
Those who see themselves as victims tend to feel hostile and angry. It is difficult to communicate effectively when our anger is leaking out during conversation. Our partner senses the unspoken issues and without any guidelines may fill in the blanks with their own misinformation. This can lead to serious misunderstandings making communication even more difficult.
The communication style known as dialoging is an important tool for avoiding some of the pitfalls in relational conversation. In dialoging partners reflect back both the spoken and unspoken messages that have been received during conversation. Rather than repeating the words back, partners interpret the spoken messages as well as the body language and emotions sensed. This type of communication gives partners the opportunity to really listen to one another. They are feeling heard, yet more importantly, understood and validated. There is a vast difference between parroting the words said and reflecting the entire meaning within a communication.
Realizing that we are not as we see ourselves is an important first step in learning effective communication skills. Our intentions have no meaning to others. They cannot sense what we mean, only what we say and project through body language. When we are aware of this disparity, we can make every effort to be as honest and open as possible in our conversation to attempt to avoid miscommunication and mixed messages.
We practice using our tools in our daily lives to enable us to put feeling words to our emotions. This part of self care allows us to process our emotions. In doing so, we become increasingly aware of how we feel and may appear to others. As we use our tools we increase our self esteem and give ourselves the gift of effective communication.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Expectations
It's finally the weekend... We all know how wonderful it feels after another week of work to anticipate the freedom of the weekend. We can sleep in, eat brunch, run errands unhurriedly, pursue our hobbies, visit with friends and enjoy an evening out. What happens when we run into a conflict with our partner? Can we cope with our feelings in a productive way? If we have tools at our disposal, are we using them?
When partners clash during recreational times it can be disappointing. They may start out their time with a relaxing plan of time spent together. If communication is inadequate, the situation may deteriorate from fun to frustration. When one or both partners fail to communicate their desires, the relationship may become unbalanced. One party may be steering the activities without knowing that the other partner is dissatisfied.
In partnerships it is the responsibility of both parties in the relationship to make their needs and wants known. If assumptions are being made by either party that the other knows what their desires are, then there is sure to be disappointment and unmet expectations. Each of us is responsible for communicating our desires. We must not assume that another knows what we think or need. We have an obligation to let our view be known. We may believe we are doing our partners a favor by going along with their plan. In the end, however, we will feel resentful that our needs are not being met. This may lead to hostility and discord.
Should that happen, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We must take responsibility for our lives and use our tools. We owe it to ourselves and our partners to voice our view, to announce our desires, and to ask to have our needs met. When we do this we give our partner the opportunity to validate our importance, as both an individual and as a party to the partnership.
The term partnership implies that we are equals, both important, both having needs to be met. We give our partners the pleasure of meeting our needs, as we have met theirs. We do not need to be wall flowers hiding ourselves from the light of day. We can stretch out our stems and enjoy the sunshine that comes with having our importance validated. We only lose when we don't ask. But when we ask, we give ourselves the opportunity to win. We must use our tools for self care in getting our needs met. As we do, we increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of validation.
When partners clash during recreational times it can be disappointing. They may start out their time with a relaxing plan of time spent together. If communication is inadequate, the situation may deteriorate from fun to frustration. When one or both partners fail to communicate their desires, the relationship may become unbalanced. One party may be steering the activities without knowing that the other partner is dissatisfied.
In partnerships it is the responsibility of both parties in the relationship to make their needs and wants known. If assumptions are being made by either party that the other knows what their desires are, then there is sure to be disappointment and unmet expectations. Each of us is responsible for communicating our desires. We must not assume that another knows what we think or need. We have an obligation to let our view be known. We may believe we are doing our partners a favor by going along with their plan. In the end, however, we will feel resentful that our needs are not being met. This may lead to hostility and discord.
Should that happen, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We must take responsibility for our lives and use our tools. We owe it to ourselves and our partners to voice our view, to announce our desires, and to ask to have our needs met. When we do this we give our partner the opportunity to validate our importance, as both an individual and as a party to the partnership.
The term partnership implies that we are equals, both important, both having needs to be met. We give our partners the pleasure of meeting our needs, as we have met theirs. We do not need to be wall flowers hiding ourselves from the light of day. We can stretch out our stems and enjoy the sunshine that comes with having our importance validated. We only lose when we don't ask. But when we ask, we give ourselves the opportunity to win. We must use our tools for self care in getting our needs met. As we do, we increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of validation.
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