How do we cope with our strong feelings when we are dealing with someone who is unaware of how their behavior affects others?
Often times we are forced to deal with people… especially in family situations and surrounding holidays events… who are unaware of how their actions appear to others. It is common for us to believe that our intentions are visible, when in fact it is only our actions that can be seen and felt by those around us.
If others are feeling overwhelmed and their actions impact us, what can we do to practice self care? We use our tools… deep breathing… taking a walk… calling a friend… journaling… prayer… letting go. If necessary we give ourselves permission to leave the situation and take a time out until we feel more balanced. We cannot be emotionally present for others if we are not practicing self care. If practical, we can return once we are centered to discuss the situation in an attempt to resolve issues.
Part of self care is effectively managing expectations. If we have a history of unresolved issues involving family, we must learn to expect whatever family dynamics exist to continue. We can choose not to participate in unhealthy situations. We expect many change back messages from those who are uncomfortable with our growth. We can understand their discomfort… empathize… and still maintain our healthy boundaries.
The holidays can be an especially trying time as we interact with our family of origin. Old issues that lie beneath the surface may be triggered by interactions with siblings, parents or extended family. We owe it to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care and manage expectations. In this way we have the ability to spend our time with our families while still maintaining healthy boundaries and working on more positive interactions.
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boundaries. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Am I Angry or Enraged?
I like to think of anger as a stop sign. It is a signal to us that someone or something has crossed our boundary or violated our values. If we ignore our anger and internalize it we eventually experience it coming out sidways... possibly passive aggressively, making ourselves sick, or a multitude of other avenues.
Anger is the tip of the emotional iceberg. Most of the time is it our defense mechanism rising up to protect us from experiencing deeper feelings... like fear, loss, saddness. That's why I like to call it a stop sign. If we stop and consider, why am I angry? We may get a chance to know ourselves better. We may be able to realize a deeper feeling underneath the anger and address an unresolved issue.
There is another form... rage. Rage is very different from anger. Rage is not a response to a current boundary incursion or value violation. Rage is a response to a trigger from the past. When we react toward current events with rage we are reacting to something that happened long ago that has remained unresolved.
Rage feels different than anger. It rises us from the depths of our toes, it burns like a fire, we feel it bubble and boil in our guts. Rage causes us to react with a 10 when a 2 is appropriate. Rage is a signal that we have been triggered and have an unresolved issue that needs attention.
Anger has a place in relationships. When we are angry we can take some time to think about our situation, figure out why we feel the way we do, then choose to do something about it.
Rage has no place in relationships. Rage is a destructive force that injures both parties causing resentment and bitterness over time. Rage is a form of abuse.
Anger is the tip of the emotional iceberg. Most of the time is it our defense mechanism rising up to protect us from experiencing deeper feelings... like fear, loss, saddness. That's why I like to call it a stop sign. If we stop and consider, why am I angry? We may get a chance to know ourselves better. We may be able to realize a deeper feeling underneath the anger and address an unresolved issue.
There is another form... rage. Rage is very different from anger. Rage is not a response to a current boundary incursion or value violation. Rage is a response to a trigger from the past. When we react toward current events with rage we are reacting to something that happened long ago that has remained unresolved.
Rage feels different than anger. It rises us from the depths of our toes, it burns like a fire, we feel it bubble and boil in our guts. Rage causes us to react with a 10 when a 2 is appropriate. Rage is a signal that we have been triggered and have an unresolved issue that needs attention.
Anger has a place in relationships. When we are angry we can take some time to think about our situation, figure out why we feel the way we do, then choose to do something about it.
Rage has no place in relationships. Rage is a destructive force that injures both parties causing resentment and bitterness over time. Rage is a form of abuse.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Pity, Compassion, Trust and Selfishness
What is the difference between compassion and pity?
Compassion is based on a belief that both parties in a relationship are equals... that each of their points of view are worthy of regard. Pity includes a feeling of intellectual superiority. We pity our partner who is suffering and see them as being inferior, inept, incompetent or unable to function in some important way. Pity then leads to contempt if our partner is unable to resolve their issue within our time frame. Compassion leads us to offer whatever assistance is appropriate, then allowing our partner the opportunity to solve their issue within their own time frame.
What is the difference between compassion and excusing irresponsible or selfish behavior?
Compassion includes us behaving in accordance with our own values. This does not mean we excuse the irresponsible or selfish behavior of our partner when they have done something that does not agree with their own inner values. We have the responsibility to respect our own and others boundaries. We can feel compassion for the poor choices our partner has made without allowing them to continue to hurt us. We own our power in our relationship and reinforce our boundaries with our partner, telling them what we will and will not accept in a gentle loving manner.
What is the difference between compassion and discerning when it is safe to trust?
When we are compassionate we are able to see our partner as they really are without pretense. We see them with all their vulnerabilities and flaws and can discern accurately what we can realistically expect. If our expectations are on track and we are accurately discerning what is and is not possible, we are less likely to trust inappropriately. Many times we are hurt in relationships because we refuse to acknowledge the flaws of either our partner or ourselves. Our ability to discern when it is safe to trust relies upon our acceptance of reality. Our ability to accept reality relies upon our level of compassion in our relationship. When we feel compassion toward our partner we are able to view them in truth thereby assessing accurately when it is and is not safe to trust.
Compassion is based on a belief that both parties in a relationship are equals... that each of their points of view are worthy of regard. Pity includes a feeling of intellectual superiority. We pity our partner who is suffering and see them as being inferior, inept, incompetent or unable to function in some important way. Pity then leads to contempt if our partner is unable to resolve their issue within our time frame. Compassion leads us to offer whatever assistance is appropriate, then allowing our partner the opportunity to solve their issue within their own time frame.
What is the difference between compassion and excusing irresponsible or selfish behavior?
Compassion includes us behaving in accordance with our own values. This does not mean we excuse the irresponsible or selfish behavior of our partner when they have done something that does not agree with their own inner values. We have the responsibility to respect our own and others boundaries. We can feel compassion for the poor choices our partner has made without allowing them to continue to hurt us. We own our power in our relationship and reinforce our boundaries with our partner, telling them what we will and will not accept in a gentle loving manner.
What is the difference between compassion and discerning when it is safe to trust?
When we are compassionate we are able to see our partner as they really are without pretense. We see them with all their vulnerabilities and flaws and can discern accurately what we can realistically expect. If our expectations are on track and we are accurately discerning what is and is not possible, we are less likely to trust inappropriately. Many times we are hurt in relationships because we refuse to acknowledge the flaws of either our partner or ourselves. Our ability to discern when it is safe to trust relies upon our acceptance of reality. Our ability to accept reality relies upon our level of compassion in our relationship. When we feel compassion toward our partner we are able to view them in truth thereby assessing accurately when it is and is not safe to trust.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Am I Practicing Self Care or Being Selfish?
Can self care become selfishness? How do we keep ourselves in balance?
Self care is an important part of our recovery effort. We learn to care for ourselves. We set effective boundaries, avoid the drama of others, stay balanced and keep ourselves from becoming overwhelmed in the face of lifes challenges. We practice discernment, use our tools to cope effectively, and in the process increase our self esteem.
As we begin to practice self care and learn to set effective boundaries we change. That change brings discomfort to our partner. We are no longer willing to do things that our partner can and should do for themselves. As a result, we begin to receive change back messages from our partner. This is their response to the stress our changes bring into their life. We exercise patience, showing our partner our committment to our recovery and allowing them the time to catch up. We use discernment to detect when we are being drawn into the drama of others, keeping ourselves in balance. When we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed as a result of the strength of our emotions, we use our tools to bring ourselves back into balance, recognizing that we cannot effectively help our partner to cope when we ourselves are overwhelmed.
As long as our self care is focused on achieving balance for the purpose of being able to be emotionally present in our relationship with our partner, as well as for our overall health, we will be practicing self care and not selfishness. When we allow our defense mechanisms and fear to control us, we lose sight of healthy boundaries and begin to focus too much on ourselves and our issues. When that happens too often, we may fail to be emotionally present for our partner and our relationship. We cannot be centered at all times, but we can strive for balance in a consistent manner.
During our growth and change our partner may feel unsure of our relationship. We take the initiative, reaffirming our love and devotion to both our partner and our relationship, allowing our partner to take these new patterns of interacting in stride. We recall that change creates discomfort and unease and give our partner plenty of time and the space necessary to adapt.
As we walk our path of recovery we find that we take three steps forward and two back testing our resolve and misstepping frequently. We will learn slowly, carefully, in our own time, how to maintain balance without seeming insensitive or too self involved. Recovery may not be easy, but we find that the rewards are well worth the effort as we feel our self esteem grow stronger day by day.
Self care is an important part of our recovery effort. We learn to care for ourselves. We set effective boundaries, avoid the drama of others, stay balanced and keep ourselves from becoming overwhelmed in the face of lifes challenges. We practice discernment, use our tools to cope effectively, and in the process increase our self esteem.
As we begin to practice self care and learn to set effective boundaries we change. That change brings discomfort to our partner. We are no longer willing to do things that our partner can and should do for themselves. As a result, we begin to receive change back messages from our partner. This is their response to the stress our changes bring into their life. We exercise patience, showing our partner our committment to our recovery and allowing them the time to catch up. We use discernment to detect when we are being drawn into the drama of others, keeping ourselves in balance. When we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed as a result of the strength of our emotions, we use our tools to bring ourselves back into balance, recognizing that we cannot effectively help our partner to cope when we ourselves are overwhelmed.
As long as our self care is focused on achieving balance for the purpose of being able to be emotionally present in our relationship with our partner, as well as for our overall health, we will be practicing self care and not selfishness. When we allow our defense mechanisms and fear to control us, we lose sight of healthy boundaries and begin to focus too much on ourselves and our issues. When that happens too often, we may fail to be emotionally present for our partner and our relationship. We cannot be centered at all times, but we can strive for balance in a consistent manner.
During our growth and change our partner may feel unsure of our relationship. We take the initiative, reaffirming our love and devotion to both our partner and our relationship, allowing our partner to take these new patterns of interacting in stride. We recall that change creates discomfort and unease and give our partner plenty of time and the space necessary to adapt.
As we walk our path of recovery we find that we take three steps forward and two back testing our resolve and misstepping frequently. We will learn slowly, carefully, in our own time, how to maintain balance without seeming insensitive or too self involved. Recovery may not be easy, but we find that the rewards are well worth the effort as we feel our self esteem grow stronger day by day.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Self care or Selfishness... Which One Is It?
These are all excellent questions. Self care is all about learning to take care of ourselves so that we live balanced lives, avoid feeling overwhelmed and don't allow other peoples drama to control us.
That is a real mouthful. Learning to practice self care is a process. During that process we learn tools... actions to take to reduce our stress. We also learn boundaries... where we end and another person begins. Additionally we learn discernment... the ability to pay attention to our gut and our own innate capacity to know when, how much and whom to trust.
Learning these skills takes time and effort. It is a lifelong process that we continue to practice in our daily lives. We begin with tools. These are actions we can take to reduce stress. We learn deep breathing, guided meditation, visualization, affirmations, and techniques for self soothing. We begin to appreciate the quiet gentleness of taking a scented bath, reading a novel, sharing a phone call with a dear friend, having our evening meal by candlelight even when we are alone, taking a long walk, listening to the roar of the ocean or the breeze through the trees.
Boundaries... where we end and another person begins... can be a difficult lesson. We have control over one person in our lives... ourselves. We can cajole, beg, plead, order, dominate, manipulate, cry, scream, rant and try all methods of controlling others to no avail. Eventually we have to learn to let go. When we do we find that we are capable of saying no to requests we don't wish to indulge. We can ignore the behavior of others who are trying to control us and remember that we own our power. As we learn to respect others boundaries and our own we will reduce the drama in our lives and become more peaceful.
Discernment can be the toughest lesson of all. We have let others delude us for too long. We have believed the unbelievable, trusted the untrustworthy and forfeited our ability to trust ourselves in the process. Slowly, as we practice self care, we will come to trust our gut... to know when someone is not being honest... to listen between the lines... to pay attention to body language. We will learn once again how to trust ourselves, for that is the reality of our loss. We no longer trust our ability to discern the truth from lies.
As we practice self care we increase our self esteem one notch at a time. Like steps on a ladder we inch our way back to health and joy. We cannot underestimate how much we have lost, but we are on the road to recovery. In time we will find a healthier, happier self whom we can rely upon and trust.
These are the lessons of self care. We practice self care in our daily lives, using our tools, setting boundaries and slowly coming to learn discernment as we begin to trust ourselves once again. In this way we give ourselves the gift of increased self esteem.
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_u88mN2HEWM7GbufZQC2E1z620iOotwOmPjbrwT90LgLvc0etW-LpFdhPH5W-bpXT9AZFI9YFcNbNmoeU-xTQqRxE8sq9aCfUcnXlc-NM-LpOZ6uGe_FZsgwNM7zKlymkXqmMbweOmZFfcwClJKqFqM=s0-d)
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Lying, Insecurity and Alcoholism
When faced with a situation where our partner feels insecure or unsure they lie. We have discovered that their parent(s) were alcoholics. What happens to us when we are raised in an environment where one or both of our caretakers are alcoholics? Is this an underlying reason for their habit of lying?
There is a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that is a 12 Step Program based on the principles of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that has a great deal of information about behavior patterns in adult children. This is the place to begin our journey for answers.
Lying is often related to self esteem issues. That doesn't mean that there can't be more serious problems, but generally when alcoholism is involved, so is self esteem. Very often adult children grow up in constant chaos as their alcoholic parent(s) drinks themselves into oblivion in front of them. Our partner may never have felt safe or secure in their early lives. They may have lived in a home that was always in a shambles either physically, emotionally or both.
The effect of having a parent who is an alcoholic cannot be underestimated. Very often children in alcoholic homes never learn to self soothe. They don't have parents who set appropriate limits and boundaries so they never learn what acceptable behavior looks like. They may be aware that they don't have appropriate social skills but have no clue where to find out how to behave.
There is great hope in counseling for ACOA. Many have been able to recover from the trauma of their childhoods due to alcoholic family members. It may take time and a great deal of patience by both our counselor and our partner. This type of recovery program may involve us learning to set boundaries and limits with our partner as well as our partner learning to face their fears and allow themselves to be seen for who they are without the masks. Our partner has lived without consequences for lying for most of their adult life. That will have to change.
The fact that our partner doesn't react with emotion may mean that they have learned how to stop feeling. As a result of the pain of trauma during childhood, our partner has chosen to freeze all feelings rather than face them. This is common in trauma survivors. As children they needed this defense mechanism to survive. Now as adults, it no longer serves a purpose and is actually the cause of difficulties occurring in our relationship. As they defrost and begin to feel again they can become very depressed and/or angry for a while as they process all the pain and loss they have been supressing.
That can be a very difficult time for both our partner and ourselves. Recall that our partner has some very positive qualities that we value... loyalty, humbleness, deference, good heartedness, excellent business person, handsome looking. Our partner is also intelligent and capable. These are some very positive statements. We must recall that we love our partner very much. There is a question we ask partners in couples counseling...
Are we happy with our relationship at least 50% of the time?
Remember, this isn't just about the flaws our partner has... we all have some real whoppers... our partner needs to learn judgement and appropriate behavior in a safe environment.
There is much benefit for us to be found in doing some reading on ACOA. There are some excellent materials available in bookstores, online through Amazon and at ACOA meetings. Here is the link to ACOA http://www.adultchildren.org/ . Click on "the problem" in the first paragraph to learn about the disease and what it feels like for the adult child. Here is a link for some recovery books. http://www.cyberus.ca/~rocksoft/teddysrule/readings/re_bibli.html
There is a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that is a 12 Step Program based on the principles of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that has a great deal of information about behavior patterns in adult children. This is the place to begin our journey for answers.
Lying is often related to self esteem issues. That doesn't mean that there can't be more serious problems, but generally when alcoholism is involved, so is self esteem. Very often adult children grow up in constant chaos as their alcoholic parent(s) drinks themselves into oblivion in front of them. Our partner may never have felt safe or secure in their early lives. They may have lived in a home that was always in a shambles either physically, emotionally or both.
The effect of having a parent who is an alcoholic cannot be underestimated. Very often children in alcoholic homes never learn to self soothe. They don't have parents who set appropriate limits and boundaries so they never learn what acceptable behavior looks like. They may be aware that they don't have appropriate social skills but have no clue where to find out how to behave.
There is great hope in counseling for ACOA. Many have been able to recover from the trauma of their childhoods due to alcoholic family members. It may take time and a great deal of patience by both our counselor and our partner. This type of recovery program may involve us learning to set boundaries and limits with our partner as well as our partner learning to face their fears and allow themselves to be seen for who they are without the masks. Our partner has lived without consequences for lying for most of their adult life. That will have to change.
The fact that our partner doesn't react with emotion may mean that they have learned how to stop feeling. As a result of the pain of trauma during childhood, our partner has chosen to freeze all feelings rather than face them. This is common in trauma survivors. As children they needed this defense mechanism to survive. Now as adults, it no longer serves a purpose and is actually the cause of difficulties occurring in our relationship. As they defrost and begin to feel again they can become very depressed and/or angry for a while as they process all the pain and loss they have been supressing.
That can be a very difficult time for both our partner and ourselves. Recall that our partner has some very positive qualities that we value... loyalty, humbleness, deference, good heartedness, excellent business person, handsome looking. Our partner is also intelligent and capable. These are some very positive statements. We must recall that we love our partner very much. There is a question we ask partners in couples counseling...
Are we happy with our relationship at least 50% of the time?
Remember, this isn't just about the flaws our partner has... we all have some real whoppers... our partner needs to learn judgement and appropriate behavior in a safe environment.
There is much benefit for us to be found in doing some reading on ACOA. There are some excellent materials available in bookstores, online through Amazon and at ACOA meetings. Here is the link to ACOA http://www.adultchildren.org/ . Click on "the problem" in the first paragraph to learn about the disease and what it feels like for the adult child. Here is a link for some recovery books. http://www.cyberus.ca/~rocksoft/teddysrule/readings/re_bibli.html
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
What Is Anger?
How do we cope with angry feelings? Is anger important? What does it mean when we are angry? What tools do we use to respond rather than react to our anger?
There are countless sayings regarding anger. Some are worth repeating as they hold truths that contain wisdom.
"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die" Malachy McCourt
Anger has value. It is an emotion that acts as a stop sign, indicating that our boundaries or values have been violated. If we learn to recognize anger as a useful tool and pay attention when it arises within us, we can avoid the unanswered anger hardening into bitterness and resentment.
"Anger is one letter short of danger." Unknown
How many times have we spoken in anger only to be unable to take back those angry words later? Angry words are like slicing a feather pillow open on the highway while driving and letting all the feathers fly out the window. Can you ever pick them all up?
"Do not teach your children never to be angry, teach them how to be angry." Lyman Abott
Being able to feel and respond appropriately to anger is an important skill in relationships. We must be able to find our voice when our boundaries have been breached. We must be able to speak up and defend ourselves without becoming disagreeable.
"Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel." Unknown
Being angry allows us to express ourselves in a way that honors and respects the person with whom we are angry. We are permitted to voice our opinion and defend our boundaries and values so long as we do not violate the boundaries and values of the other person.
"I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to." Unknown
We have the capacity to choose... to respond... we do not have to react to every situation that presents itself. We can opt out. We can ask ourselves... Will this matter in five years? If the answer is no... the next question is does it really matter today?
''Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Buddha
Anger, though it has value as a tool, loses it's value when it becomes a way of life. When we feel angry all the time, or our anger lurks just below the surface waiting to burst out at any provocation... we have lost it's usefulness and have become it's prisoner. We must respond to our anger when it appears and not try to sweep things under the rug. The truth is... there is no rug. We may think we can just let it go, but the hard truth is that we may be unable to let it go without solving the underlying issue. When anger surfaces again and again it is an indication that there is some underlying problem that is demanding to be addressed. Refusing to acknowledge this indication may lead to bitterness and resentment.
"The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk." Jacqueline Schiff
There is a great deal of research showing that taking a brisk walk helps to diffuse anger. Getting ourselves out of the situation, giving ourselves a chance to be alone, think, analyse and process our disagreement may give us the opportunity to reach consensus when we reunite. Additionally, the physical activity releases endorphins... the feel good chemical in the brain that helps alleviate pain and lifts spirits.
There are countless sayings regarding anger. Some are worth repeating as they hold truths that contain wisdom.
"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die" Malachy McCourt
Anger has value. It is an emotion that acts as a stop sign, indicating that our boundaries or values have been violated. If we learn to recognize anger as a useful tool and pay attention when it arises within us, we can avoid the unanswered anger hardening into bitterness and resentment.
"Anger is one letter short of danger." Unknown
How many times have we spoken in anger only to be unable to take back those angry words later? Angry words are like slicing a feather pillow open on the highway while driving and letting all the feathers fly out the window. Can you ever pick them all up?
"Do not teach your children never to be angry, teach them how to be angry." Lyman Abott
Being able to feel and respond appropriately to anger is an important skill in relationships. We must be able to find our voice when our boundaries have been breached. We must be able to speak up and defend ourselves without becoming disagreeable.
"Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel." Unknown
Being angry allows us to express ourselves in a way that honors and respects the person with whom we are angry. We are permitted to voice our opinion and defend our boundaries and values so long as we do not violate the boundaries and values of the other person.
"I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to." Unknown
We have the capacity to choose... to respond... we do not have to react to every situation that presents itself. We can opt out. We can ask ourselves... Will this matter in five years? If the answer is no... the next question is does it really matter today?
''Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Buddha
Anger, though it has value as a tool, loses it's value when it becomes a way of life. When we feel angry all the time, or our anger lurks just below the surface waiting to burst out at any provocation... we have lost it's usefulness and have become it's prisoner. We must respond to our anger when it appears and not try to sweep things under the rug. The truth is... there is no rug. We may think we can just let it go, but the hard truth is that we may be unable to let it go without solving the underlying issue. When anger surfaces again and again it is an indication that there is some underlying problem that is demanding to be addressed. Refusing to acknowledge this indication may lead to bitterness and resentment.
"The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk." Jacqueline Schiff
There is a great deal of research showing that taking a brisk walk helps to diffuse anger. Getting ourselves out of the situation, giving ourselves a chance to be alone, think, analyse and process our disagreement may give us the opportunity to reach consensus when we reunite. Additionally, the physical activity releases endorphins... the feel good chemical in the brain that helps alleviate pain and lifts spirits.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Does Our Relationship Need A Patch?
What do we do when we hit a rough patch in our relationship? How do we make it through to the other side?
All long term committed relationships find they hit difficult times at some point. Partners suffer disappointments in their lives and these effect the relationship. Health issues can cause much stress and strain during times of illness, whether it's a member of the partnership or an extended family member. Body changes that occur during menopause and andropause may cause challenging times within a relationship. There may be times when one or both of the partners suffers the loss of a loved one. All these situations have the capacity to temporarily derail the partnership.
How do we get back on track? What can we do to minimize the damage? How do we support our partner, or garner support when we need it?
The key to getting out relationship back on track is regaining our balance. Life is not always easy or fair. This is a truism that each of us comes to accept in our own time. Wonderful people get horrible diseases and die young. Cruel people may benefit via the destruction of others throughout their lifetimes. The hardest thing about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is what each of us will face at some point in our lives.
We regain our balance by practicing acceptance and gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for in our daily lives. We try our best to focus on those things. We practice empathy and compassion for our partner as they struggle with their issues or losses. Change and the ensuing adjustment to those changes is difficult and painful. We do the best that we can to offer comfort and compassion to our partner as they face reality. This does not mean that we become another's doormat. We continue to practice self care, recognizing that healthy boundaries are an integral part of our healthy relationship. We may decide to overlook some unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to be compassionate, so long as they do not affect our self esteem.
When we are the one facing difficult times we try to be as calm as possible. We explain our situation in as much detail as we can to our partner, so as to provide them with the necessary information to cope with our difficulty. We try to be specific in our request for support letting our needs be known and not assuming that our partner will know what to do to help us. When we need to vent or be heard we explain that we don't actually need our partner to do anything but listen and be empathetic. In this way we free our partner from feeling impotent in the situation. We take time each day to practice self care, especially paying attention to our stress levels and using our tools (meditation, breathing, guided imagery, pampering) to manage them within acceptable limits.
When the challenges have passed the key to regaining intimacy and balance is gratefulness. We make sure we share with our partner how important their support has been throughout the ordeal, noting specific instances where their efforts have produced positive results for us. This type of validation and appreciation brings closure to the event and gives the supporting partner the proverbial shot in the arm they deserve for standing by us throughout the ordeal.
Compassion and empathy displayed often yields compassion and empathy returned. We attract what we are... not what we want. As long as we remember this ultimate truth we will be clear about how we are to behave in our relationships.
All long term committed relationships find they hit difficult times at some point. Partners suffer disappointments in their lives and these effect the relationship. Health issues can cause much stress and strain during times of illness, whether it's a member of the partnership or an extended family member. Body changes that occur during menopause and andropause may cause challenging times within a relationship. There may be times when one or both of the partners suffers the loss of a loved one. All these situations have the capacity to temporarily derail the partnership.
How do we get back on track? What can we do to minimize the damage? How do we support our partner, or garner support when we need it?
The key to getting out relationship back on track is regaining our balance. Life is not always easy or fair. This is a truism that each of us comes to accept in our own time. Wonderful people get horrible diseases and die young. Cruel people may benefit via the destruction of others throughout their lifetimes. The hardest thing about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is what each of us will face at some point in our lives.
We regain our balance by practicing acceptance and gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for in our daily lives. We try our best to focus on those things. We practice empathy and compassion for our partner as they struggle with their issues or losses. Change and the ensuing adjustment to those changes is difficult and painful. We do the best that we can to offer comfort and compassion to our partner as they face reality. This does not mean that we become another's doormat. We continue to practice self care, recognizing that healthy boundaries are an integral part of our healthy relationship. We may decide to overlook some unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to be compassionate, so long as they do not affect our self esteem.
When we are the one facing difficult times we try to be as calm as possible. We explain our situation in as much detail as we can to our partner, so as to provide them with the necessary information to cope with our difficulty. We try to be specific in our request for support letting our needs be known and not assuming that our partner will know what to do to help us. When we need to vent or be heard we explain that we don't actually need our partner to do anything but listen and be empathetic. In this way we free our partner from feeling impotent in the situation. We take time each day to practice self care, especially paying attention to our stress levels and using our tools (meditation, breathing, guided imagery, pampering) to manage them within acceptable limits.
When the challenges have passed the key to regaining intimacy and balance is gratefulness. We make sure we share with our partner how important their support has been throughout the ordeal, noting specific instances where their efforts have produced positive results for us. This type of validation and appreciation brings closure to the event and gives the supporting partner the proverbial shot in the arm they deserve for standing by us throughout the ordeal.
Compassion and empathy displayed often yields compassion and empathy returned. We attract what we are... not what we want. As long as we remember this ultimate truth we will be clear about how we are to behave in our relationships.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Parents, Step Parents and Children's Needs
Children need two parents in their lives, whether they are married to one another or not. They also need stability and routine to help them feel grounded, keep their world orderly and allow them to feel safe. There is much psychological evidence to support those facts. Some parents may forget at times that our children are developing and have different needs than we do as adults.
Step parents often have a difficult time adjusting to the fact that their role is limited. They may want to impress their new partner with their ability to handle the kids, or make a new home, or make their new partner feel like they are a family. None of this is relevant because none of it is actually about what is best for the kids.
Step parents do have a role, which is best described as making a safe place for kids to live or visit (whichever is appropriate), and being a support to the rules set down by the biological parents. If the step parent and the biological parents can work out at way to effectively cooperate this is actually the best situation for the kids. In that case there is little friction and the kids needs are put first. Many times, however, this does not happen and parents must choose how to manage their personal lives and their children's lives effectively.
Children's lives need routine, stability, safety and certainty. They need to know that both Mom and Dad still love them and will make time with them a priority. They need to see their biological parent alone some of the time to feel valued and important. Parents also need time to be adults and bond with their new partner. It may not be appropriate for parents to share time with their new partner when the kids are present soon after a split.
Studies have shown that kids should be given time to grieve the loss of the family unit without being expected to form any new bonds. This can take time - each child is different, but up to two years or more can be needed for some children. Even then, the introduction of a new partner for a parent is wrenching for a child because it underlines the fact that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together - the dream for which the child secretly hopes.
Parents are not expected to put their adult lives on hold for their children indefinitely, however, it is reasonable for parents to keep their adult lives separate from the lives they lead with their children for as long as possible to give their children a chance to heal. Remember, children have no say in divorce, they cannot get what they really want... Mom and Dad back together again in a happy family. Since they can't get what they want, is it really so hard for us adults to give them the time to heal from their grief by giving them what they need? Security, safety, stability, boundaries, love, attention and the feeling of being valued as a person.
Children will make relationships with their step parents in their own time and in their own way. They only have one set of biological parents in their lives, but they have the opportunity to be loved by many more people as time passes. No one will ever be Mom or Dad but Mom and Dad in a child's heart... period. But that doesn't mean that step parents can't be loved and valued for their ability to be a trusted friend or companion.
Making roles an issue over which to fight is a waste of time. No one will take the place of Mom or Dad in any child's heart. How many times have counselors watched an adult in their 60's sob as they talk about the love the wished they could have received from a deceased parent...
Let us have faith in ourselves and our relationship with our children. They need us and want us in their lives. They love us with all their hearts. Let us be there for them. Let us give them the love we were denied as a child. Let us give them what we were never able to receive. Let us be the one to break the chain of pain.
We are all well loved. Let's share that gift with our kids.
Step parents often have a difficult time adjusting to the fact that their role is limited. They may want to impress their new partner with their ability to handle the kids, or make a new home, or make their new partner feel like they are a family. None of this is relevant because none of it is actually about what is best for the kids.
Step parents do have a role, which is best described as making a safe place for kids to live or visit (whichever is appropriate), and being a support to the rules set down by the biological parents. If the step parent and the biological parents can work out at way to effectively cooperate this is actually the best situation for the kids. In that case there is little friction and the kids needs are put first. Many times, however, this does not happen and parents must choose how to manage their personal lives and their children's lives effectively.
Children's lives need routine, stability, safety and certainty. They need to know that both Mom and Dad still love them and will make time with them a priority. They need to see their biological parent alone some of the time to feel valued and important. Parents also need time to be adults and bond with their new partner. It may not be appropriate for parents to share time with their new partner when the kids are present soon after a split.
Studies have shown that kids should be given time to grieve the loss of the family unit without being expected to form any new bonds. This can take time - each child is different, but up to two years or more can be needed for some children. Even then, the introduction of a new partner for a parent is wrenching for a child because it underlines the fact that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together - the dream for which the child secretly hopes.
Parents are not expected to put their adult lives on hold for their children indefinitely, however, it is reasonable for parents to keep their adult lives separate from the lives they lead with their children for as long as possible to give their children a chance to heal. Remember, children have no say in divorce, they cannot get what they really want... Mom and Dad back together again in a happy family. Since they can't get what they want, is it really so hard for us adults to give them the time to heal from their grief by giving them what they need? Security, safety, stability, boundaries, love, attention and the feeling of being valued as a person.
Children will make relationships with their step parents in their own time and in their own way. They only have one set of biological parents in their lives, but they have the opportunity to be loved by many more people as time passes. No one will ever be Mom or Dad but Mom and Dad in a child's heart... period. But that doesn't mean that step parents can't be loved and valued for their ability to be a trusted friend or companion.
Making roles an issue over which to fight is a waste of time. No one will take the place of Mom or Dad in any child's heart. How many times have counselors watched an adult in their 60's sob as they talk about the love the wished they could have received from a deceased parent...
Let us have faith in ourselves and our relationship with our children. They need us and want us in their lives. They love us with all their hearts. Let us be there for them. Let us give them the love we were denied as a child. Let us give them what we were never able to receive. Let us be the one to break the chain of pain.
We are all well loved. Let's share that gift with our kids.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Sabotage: Crossing the Line From Taking Care to Caretaking
How do we know if we are sabotaging our relationship? How can we determine if our actions are crossing the line from taking care to caretaking?
Co-dependency has been roughly defined as a condition which develops within us as a result of living with dysfunctional people outside of normal boundaries for an extended period of time. That definition, although specific, is general enough to allow a vast variety of dysfunctions to fall into the category of creating co-dependency. We can develop co-dependent characteristics as a result of being care givers to elderly parents, living with a disabled family member, having a partner who is an addict (alcohol, food, drugs, gambling, sex, etc., etc.), being subjected to extreme fear (post 9/11 trauma) or horrific violence (murder of a family member, rape, abuse, military service). There are many other obvious ways we can develop co-dependency, but what about the more subtle indications?
Overall we can say with accuracy that when we are doing for someone else what they can and should be doing for themselves, we are behaving as caretakers. That is the hallmark of co-dependency.
Why is caretaking a problem? Because the underlying message isn't help... no, it's incompetence. When we do for others what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves we are telling them by our actions that we don't believe they are capable of self care. They don't feel good about what we are doing and act accordingly. They are ungrateful and annoyed with us for our interference. We feel hurt. We tried to hard to take care of the situation and have not gotten what we expected in return, appreciation. That is because the meta-message is felt clearly by the recipient... you are incapable!
Additionally, there is another matter involved in caretaking. Manipulation. We are taking action to force a particular result. We are not actually focused on what's best for the other party, we are focused on what we would like to have as an outcome. That message, although we try our best to pretend we are angelic in our role, comes through loud and clear as well. The recipient doesn't really know why they feel uncomfortable about what we are doing, but they sense something isn't right.
We must learn to let go of outcomes and find a way to let the universe unfold naturally. If we feel uncomfortable not controlling, we use our tools to decrease our stress and practice self care. In the end we will triumph in our relationship if we allow our partner to take care of themselves as we do the same.
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_s8r-OVcgorvUEuCENWrO871OZJBRjp3Fv9KE42IxXEtKAXr63qhxsJQrmcZ3XgAxJay_Y26aJTkDEm0SV3QzGJWQZqUL8VsnSqL8WFWp2dVsIC2MIZLoLoZFJMTWwjhT7OxLMuqPrqofqiC4HvfZFw=s0-d)
Co-dependency has been roughly defined as a condition which develops within us as a result of living with dysfunctional people outside of normal boundaries for an extended period of time. That definition, although specific, is general enough to allow a vast variety of dysfunctions to fall into the category of creating co-dependency. We can develop co-dependent characteristics as a result of being care givers to elderly parents, living with a disabled family member, having a partner who is an addict (alcohol, food, drugs, gambling, sex, etc., etc.), being subjected to extreme fear (post 9/11 trauma) or horrific violence (murder of a family member, rape, abuse, military service). There are many other obvious ways we can develop co-dependency, but what about the more subtle indications?
Overall we can say with accuracy that when we are doing for someone else what they can and should be doing for themselves, we are behaving as caretakers. That is the hallmark of co-dependency.
Why is caretaking a problem? Because the underlying message isn't help... no, it's incompetence. When we do for others what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves we are telling them by our actions that we don't believe they are capable of self care. They don't feel good about what we are doing and act accordingly. They are ungrateful and annoyed with us for our interference. We feel hurt. We tried to hard to take care of the situation and have not gotten what we expected in return, appreciation. That is because the meta-message is felt clearly by the recipient... you are incapable!
Additionally, there is another matter involved in caretaking. Manipulation. We are taking action to force a particular result. We are not actually focused on what's best for the other party, we are focused on what we would like to have as an outcome. That message, although we try our best to pretend we are angelic in our role, comes through loud and clear as well. The recipient doesn't really know why they feel uncomfortable about what we are doing, but they sense something isn't right.
We must learn to let go of outcomes and find a way to let the universe unfold naturally. If we feel uncomfortable not controlling, we use our tools to decrease our stress and practice self care. In the end we will triumph in our relationship if we allow our partner to take care of themselves as we do the same.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Negative Attention Is Better Than None
Negative attention is better than none. We parents know what that means when we think of disciplining our children. How does this concept apply in our adult relationships?
When we are dealing with our partner we may need to set boundaries in certain areas of our lives as a part of self care. We do so in a loving way, letting our partner know that we value them and our relationship. Many times when we set a new boundary we will get change back messages telling us that our partner is not readily accepting this new development. There may be refusal to go along as well as much complaining.
If we have been practicing self care and using our tools we are prepared for this eventuality and may expect that it will happen. We lovingly keep our word and allow our partner time to adjust to the new boundary. During this time it is imperative that we ignore the negative attention that change back messages engender and respond with support to the positive actions our partner takes in beginning to show acceptance. We must remember that change is difficult for us as well and give our partner the time needed to absorb what has happened.
As time passes and the relationship once again begins to settle within the new boundaries, we show our appreciation for the changes our partner has made. We give them the approval they deserve to feel valued for their contribution to the relationship in accepting this new situation. It is vital to the health of our relationship that we acknowledge the difficulty that we all experience in dealing with change, reinforcing the positive behaviors of our partner and ignoring the negative whenever possible.
We all experience change as a difficult and wrenching time we would rather not have to encounter. Life hold few guarantees, but one of them is that change will occur. Our ability to accept change and acknowledge how difficult that acceptance is for others, gives us humility. It reminds us that we are all human, capable of inflexibility and myopic vision. Accepting change requires that we become more flexible and open our view to include new ideas in our lives.
As we learn to set new boundaries in our daily lives, we practice self care and use our tools to strengthen our resolve against change back messages. We increase our self esteem as we continue to live according to our inner values. In this way we give ourselves the gift of humility.
When we are dealing with our partner we may need to set boundaries in certain areas of our lives as a part of self care. We do so in a loving way, letting our partner know that we value them and our relationship. Many times when we set a new boundary we will get change back messages telling us that our partner is not readily accepting this new development. There may be refusal to go along as well as much complaining.
If we have been practicing self care and using our tools we are prepared for this eventuality and may expect that it will happen. We lovingly keep our word and allow our partner time to adjust to the new boundary. During this time it is imperative that we ignore the negative attention that change back messages engender and respond with support to the positive actions our partner takes in beginning to show acceptance. We must remember that change is difficult for us as well and give our partner the time needed to absorb what has happened.
As time passes and the relationship once again begins to settle within the new boundaries, we show our appreciation for the changes our partner has made. We give them the approval they deserve to feel valued for their contribution to the relationship in accepting this new situation. It is vital to the health of our relationship that we acknowledge the difficulty that we all experience in dealing with change, reinforcing the positive behaviors of our partner and ignoring the negative whenever possible.
We all experience change as a difficult and wrenching time we would rather not have to encounter. Life hold few guarantees, but one of them is that change will occur. Our ability to accept change and acknowledge how difficult that acceptance is for others, gives us humility. It reminds us that we are all human, capable of inflexibility and myopic vision. Accepting change requires that we become more flexible and open our view to include new ideas in our lives.
As we learn to set new boundaries in our daily lives, we practice self care and use our tools to strengthen our resolve against change back messages. We increase our self esteem as we continue to live according to our inner values. In this way we give ourselves the gift of humility.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Why Am I Getting The Silent Treatment?
What do we do when our partner won't speak to us for an extended period of time following a disagreement? How do we cope with getting the silent treatment?
Partners in relationships don't always agree. Each of us are individuals with our own wants and needs. Sometimes those wants and needs conflict. There are many ways to deal with conflict in relationships. Effective communication is the key to resolving differences between two parties. Each has their own point of view which may have validity. Both need to feel heard and validated for meaningful discussion to take place leading to compromise.
What happens when our partner doesn't participate in communication or compromise? Following a disagreement our partner may retreat within themselves and refuse to talk for an extended period of time. This type of withdrawal can last hours, days or even weeks. This does not mean they are not communicating. The silent treatment is a form of communication. It may be an unpopular form for us, the recipient, but it can be quite effective. Our partner is communicating their feelings quite clearly. Their non-verbal message says,"Do what I want" clear as a bell. It says something else as well. It says, "I am unwilling to listen to your opinion, negotiate or compromise".
This extended period of silence is a form of emotional blackmail. Many partners may need some time to process after a disagreement. However, when the time taken has nothing to do with processing and everything to do with punishing, we are no longer dealing with healthy self care, but with unhealthy emotional blackmail. This type of punishing behavior leaves us out in the cold. Our partner believes they can use their anger and silence to control us.
The unsaid message, however, speaks volumes. The emotional blackmailer is unwilling to communicate in an open forum where we can put forth our opinion. Our partner may feel frightened of direct communication. They may not feel adept at defending their views. Alternatively, the emotional blackmailer may feel shamed regarding their lack of ability to communicate or explain their feelings, leading them to refuse to talk at all. Finally, this may be a habit learned from a dysfunctional family of origin during childhood. If caretakers handled conflict in this manner, this may well be the only style our partner has known.
It is difficult to deal with emotional blackmail. The silent treatment may cause bitterness and resentment over time as partners build walls instead of bridges. Stressing the safety of our partner in the relationship and the importance of communication is a beginning. We, as the communicator, have the responsibility to continue to reach out to our partner with loving detachment.
During times when all is calm and we feel centered, we can lovingly set a boundary with our partner that is comfortable for us regarding the time we will tolerate silence. We then enforce that boundary by detaching when our partner becomes silent. We lovingly let them know that we are going to take care of ourselves and enjoy our time without them. They can contact us by telephone when they are again ready to speak. We reinforce that we are not angry and that we look forward to seeing them again when they feel better.
In this way we give ourselves the freedom to enjoy our time without having to witness their attempt at emotional blackmail. Our partner learns that if they want to enjoy time with us, they cannot continue this mode of behavior. When we reconnect we do so in a loving manner. This leaves our partner to begin to deal with their feelings in a new way. Patience and loving detachment are the keys to moving a relationship past emotional blackmail and the silent treatment. As difficult and time consuming as it may be, it is imperative to ensuring the long term survival of the relationship.
Partners in relationships don't always agree. Each of us are individuals with our own wants and needs. Sometimes those wants and needs conflict. There are many ways to deal with conflict in relationships. Effective communication is the key to resolving differences between two parties. Each has their own point of view which may have validity. Both need to feel heard and validated for meaningful discussion to take place leading to compromise.
What happens when our partner doesn't participate in communication or compromise? Following a disagreement our partner may retreat within themselves and refuse to talk for an extended period of time. This type of withdrawal can last hours, days or even weeks. This does not mean they are not communicating. The silent treatment is a form of communication. It may be an unpopular form for us, the recipient, but it can be quite effective. Our partner is communicating their feelings quite clearly. Their non-verbal message says,"Do what I want" clear as a bell. It says something else as well. It says, "I am unwilling to listen to your opinion, negotiate or compromise".
This extended period of silence is a form of emotional blackmail. Many partners may need some time to process after a disagreement. However, when the time taken has nothing to do with processing and everything to do with punishing, we are no longer dealing with healthy self care, but with unhealthy emotional blackmail. This type of punishing behavior leaves us out in the cold. Our partner believes they can use their anger and silence to control us.
The unsaid message, however, speaks volumes. The emotional blackmailer is unwilling to communicate in an open forum where we can put forth our opinion. Our partner may feel frightened of direct communication. They may not feel adept at defending their views. Alternatively, the emotional blackmailer may feel shamed regarding their lack of ability to communicate or explain their feelings, leading them to refuse to talk at all. Finally, this may be a habit learned from a dysfunctional family of origin during childhood. If caretakers handled conflict in this manner, this may well be the only style our partner has known.
It is difficult to deal with emotional blackmail. The silent treatment may cause bitterness and resentment over time as partners build walls instead of bridges. Stressing the safety of our partner in the relationship and the importance of communication is a beginning. We, as the communicator, have the responsibility to continue to reach out to our partner with loving detachment.
During times when all is calm and we feel centered, we can lovingly set a boundary with our partner that is comfortable for us regarding the time we will tolerate silence. We then enforce that boundary by detaching when our partner becomes silent. We lovingly let them know that we are going to take care of ourselves and enjoy our time without them. They can contact us by telephone when they are again ready to speak. We reinforce that we are not angry and that we look forward to seeing them again when they feel better.
In this way we give ourselves the freedom to enjoy our time without having to witness their attempt at emotional blackmail. Our partner learns that if they want to enjoy time with us, they cannot continue this mode of behavior. When we reconnect we do so in a loving manner. This leaves our partner to begin to deal with their feelings in a new way. Patience and loving detachment are the keys to moving a relationship past emotional blackmail and the silent treatment. As difficult and time consuming as it may be, it is imperative to ensuring the long term survival of the relationship.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Are You Being Abused?
Domestic violence and abuse is a problem that crosses all ethnic and financial barriers. We would never suspect that good old fellow from the church singing in the choir is an abuser at home. It would be unthinkable to believe that the lovely lady at the beauty salon abuses her partner.
What does abuse look like? It can be extreme, as in repeated beatings, death threats and spousal rape. It can be much less apparent, such as emotional blackmail, limiting activities and funds, jealousy, caustic remarks and sarcasm. It can be constant or periodic. There is a wide range of behaviors that fall under the heading of abuse: physical, emotional and financial.
How do we recognize when we are being abused? The first sign that we are in trouble comes when we don't want to tell our family or friends how we are being treated by our partner. We are ashamed. We begin to enable the abuser by hiding what is happening. We isolate ourselves from our family and friends, fearful that they will sense that something isn't right.
There we are after the slap across the face...shocked...and the abuser says, "Look what you made me do. You just got me so angry! If you hadn't ____________ this would never have happened." We are hurt and angry at first. But the abuser is cunning. He/she tells us that it is our fault and that if we don't do _________ anymore than this will never happen again. He/she is soooo sorry. We are plied with gifts, flowers, affection and a lavish apology. All this attention feels so good after we were treated so badly. We foolishly believe him/her. All is well... for a time.
Soon the tension begins to build again. We can't put our finger on it but we know something is wrong. It gets worse and worse and finally another incident occurs. We are again shocked. We were told that if we fixed ourselves this wouldn't happen again. The abuser blames us again, then follows with another apology and more promises never to let another incident happen. Our gut tells us we are in trouble, but we ignore it. We love the warmth and attention we get after an incident, and once again believe that all is well.
This is the pattern of abuse: tension building, incident, honeymoon phase, tension building, etc. Abusers are addicted to the release they feel when they act out. They cannot control their behavior any more than an active addict. The partner being abused enables the abuser to continue to live within the pattern by not setting effective boundaries early on in the abuse cycle. Once the cycle is set the abuser needs more and more of their "fix" in order to feel good. Incidents may worsen and/or get closer together over time.
If you suspect that you are being abused take action. Get counseling. There are abuse hotlines available all across our country. Call. Reach out. Don't allow isolation to keep you from asking for help. There is no shame in being a victim of abuse. You can protect yourself and your children.
What does abuse look like? It can be extreme, as in repeated beatings, death threats and spousal rape. It can be much less apparent, such as emotional blackmail, limiting activities and funds, jealousy, caustic remarks and sarcasm. It can be constant or periodic. There is a wide range of behaviors that fall under the heading of abuse: physical, emotional and financial.
How do we recognize when we are being abused? The first sign that we are in trouble comes when we don't want to tell our family or friends how we are being treated by our partner. We are ashamed. We begin to enable the abuser by hiding what is happening. We isolate ourselves from our family and friends, fearful that they will sense that something isn't right.
There we are after the slap across the face...shocked...and the abuser says, "Look what you made me do. You just got me so angry! If you hadn't ____________ this would never have happened." We are hurt and angry at first. But the abuser is cunning. He/she tells us that it is our fault and that if we don't do _________ anymore than this will never happen again. He/she is soooo sorry. We are plied with gifts, flowers, affection and a lavish apology. All this attention feels so good after we were treated so badly. We foolishly believe him/her. All is well... for a time.
Soon the tension begins to build again. We can't put our finger on it but we know something is wrong. It gets worse and worse and finally another incident occurs. We are again shocked. We were told that if we fixed ourselves this wouldn't happen again. The abuser blames us again, then follows with another apology and more promises never to let another incident happen. Our gut tells us we are in trouble, but we ignore it. We love the warmth and attention we get after an incident, and once again believe that all is well.
This is the pattern of abuse: tension building, incident, honeymoon phase, tension building, etc. Abusers are addicted to the release they feel when they act out. They cannot control their behavior any more than an active addict. The partner being abused enables the abuser to continue to live within the pattern by not setting effective boundaries early on in the abuse cycle. Once the cycle is set the abuser needs more and more of their "fix" in order to feel good. Incidents may worsen and/or get closer together over time.
If you suspect that you are being abused take action. Get counseling. There are abuse hotlines available all across our country. Call. Reach out. Don't allow isolation to keep you from asking for help. There is no shame in being a victim of abuse. You can protect yourself and your children.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Changing the Dance
Listened to the news this week and noticed a pattern that parallels life. Every station raved on and on about the AIG bonus payments and the related scandal. News casts on each channel continued the discourse throughout the week. Finally, on Thursday President Obama spoke on the Late Show and made the most intelligent comment about the AIG drama yet. He mentioned the feelings of outrage that we all share of this company getting funds from American taxpayers and using it to pay bonuses to those same executives who caused the economic collapse in the first place. But the real statement came right afterward. What are we going to do to make certain that no other company can hold us hostage with their risky behavior ever again... put regulations in place to prevent this type of risk taking with other peoples money.
How many times in our lives have we lived through incredible drama? We get through to the other side and are relieved it's over. In our haste to move on, we forget to put in place boundaries or consequences to prevent a recurrence. We may not even communicate fully to resolve the problem and insure that we and our partners understand one another. We end up in that same drama over and over again. It is a dance with steps we and our partners have memorized over time. We have a choice. We do not have to keep dancing. We can change the steps. The old saying, it takes two to tango, is true in relationships as well. When one partner to the dance changes their steps, the other party is left to choose. They can dance alone, a very awkward situation... they can complain, change back messages... or over time they can change their steps as well.
Preventing recurrences are one of the purpose of self examination and communication. We cannot control what others may say or do, but we can certainly control how we respond. We choose to moderate our behavior regardless of how others may be acting. We change our steps and by default the dance changes. It may take time and patience, but if we take the long view, we can work toward making positive changes in our relationships. We use our tools and practice self care. In doing this we give ourselves the gift of hope.
How many times in our lives have we lived through incredible drama? We get through to the other side and are relieved it's over. In our haste to move on, we forget to put in place boundaries or consequences to prevent a recurrence. We may not even communicate fully to resolve the problem and insure that we and our partners understand one another. We end up in that same drama over and over again. It is a dance with steps we and our partners have memorized over time. We have a choice. We do not have to keep dancing. We can change the steps. The old saying, it takes two to tango, is true in relationships as well. When one partner to the dance changes their steps, the other party is left to choose. They can dance alone, a very awkward situation... they can complain, change back messages... or over time they can change their steps as well.
Preventing recurrences are one of the purpose of self examination and communication. We cannot control what others may say or do, but we can certainly control how we respond. We choose to moderate our behavior regardless of how others may be acting. We change our steps and by default the dance changes. It may take time and patience, but if we take the long view, we can work toward making positive changes in our relationships. We use our tools and practice self care. In doing this we give ourselves the gift of hope.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Shame
Shame... guilt... two concepts that get confused when talking about our feelings. What is the difference between shame and guilt? Guilt is the result when our actions don't match our values. When we do something that goes against our belief system, our inner voice tells us that we have breached our own boundaries. We feel guilt as a result of that action, often coupled with regret. These feelings are a warning to us, a red light, that tells us that our actions are not acceptable to ourselves. They may be an indicator of impending danger or consequences. Guilt, when earned, is a healthy reminder by our conscience to more closely monitor our own behavior. Guilt says, "What I have done is not okay." It is a judgement of our actions.
Shame says, "I am not okay." It is a judgement of us. Shame arises when we have suffered grave humiliation at the hands of another. We may not recognize that we have been shamed. We may have been too small when the incident occurred to understand the underlying message, but the message got through and we feel that we are not good enough. It can happen when a teacher calls upon a student in class who is day dreaming and doesn't know the question, let alone the answer. The teacher's cutting remark can wound that student leaving him/her feeling shamed. It can happen when a parent is having a bad day and shrieks at a child to just leave them alone.
The scars from shame are deep wounds that become triggers later in life and leave us emotionally unavailable. That wounded child in school may feel inadequate in all aspects of learning regardless of achievements. The scolded child may be unable to tolerate others anger as an adult. Shame fuels the demon, low self esteem, leading to insecurities and defense mechanisms designed to keep others at a distance.
When we are triggered as shamed adults, we react with the passion from the initial wound. We are unable to remain emotionally in the present. We cannot differentiate between that which happened long ago and that which is happening in the now. As a result of this, we can severely damage current relationships. Our inability to distinguish past events from the present causes our partners to collapse under the weight of our reactions to our triggers. We owe it to our partners to pursue recovery from shame. Learning to use our tools to empower us to overcome the prison of triggers will enhance our daily lives. We will overcome our shame, increase our self esteem, minimize our insecurities and be able to lessen our use of defense mechanisms. We do this to give ourselves the gift of emotional availability.
Shame says, "I am not okay." It is a judgement of us. Shame arises when we have suffered grave humiliation at the hands of another. We may not recognize that we have been shamed. We may have been too small when the incident occurred to understand the underlying message, but the message got through and we feel that we are not good enough. It can happen when a teacher calls upon a student in class who is day dreaming and doesn't know the question, let alone the answer. The teacher's cutting remark can wound that student leaving him/her feeling shamed. It can happen when a parent is having a bad day and shrieks at a child to just leave them alone.
The scars from shame are deep wounds that become triggers later in life and leave us emotionally unavailable. That wounded child in school may feel inadequate in all aspects of learning regardless of achievements. The scolded child may be unable to tolerate others anger as an adult. Shame fuels the demon, low self esteem, leading to insecurities and defense mechanisms designed to keep others at a distance.
When we are triggered as shamed adults, we react with the passion from the initial wound. We are unable to remain emotionally in the present. We cannot differentiate between that which happened long ago and that which is happening in the now. As a result of this, we can severely damage current relationships. Our inability to distinguish past events from the present causes our partners to collapse under the weight of our reactions to our triggers. We owe it to our partners to pursue recovery from shame. Learning to use our tools to empower us to overcome the prison of triggers will enhance our daily lives. We will overcome our shame, increase our self esteem, minimize our insecurities and be able to lessen our use of defense mechanisms. We do this to give ourselves the gift of emotional availability.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
