Parents, Step Parents and Children's Needs

Children need two parents in their lives, whether they are married to one another or not. They also need stability and routine to help them feel grounded, keep their world orderly and allow them to feel safe. There is much psychological evidence to support those facts. Some parents may forget at times that our children are developing and have different needs than we do as adults.

Step parents often have a difficult time adjusting to the fact that their role is limited. They may want to impress their new partner with their ability to handle the kids, or make a new home, or make their new partner feel like they are a family. None of this is relevant because none of it is actually about what is best for the kids.

Step parents do have a role, which is best described as making a safe place for kids to live or visit (whichever is appropriate), and being a support to the rules set down by the biological parents. If the step parent and the biological parents can work out at way to effectively cooperate this is actually the best situation for the kids. In that case there is little friction and the kids needs are put first. Many times, however, this does not happen and parents must choose how to manage their personal lives and their children's lives effectively.

Children's lives need routine, stability, safety and certainty. They need to know that both Mom and Dad still love them and will make time with them a priority. They need to see their biological parent alone some of the time to feel valued and important. Parents also need time to be adults and bond with their new partner. It may not be appropriate for parents to share time with their new partner when the kids are present soon after a split.

Studies have shown that kids should be given time to grieve the loss of the family unit without being expected to form any new bonds. This can take time - each child is different, but up to two years or more can be needed for some children. Even then, the introduction of a new partner for a parent is wrenching for a child because it underlines the fact that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together - the dream for which the child secretly hopes.

Parents are not expected to put their adult lives on hold for their children indefinitely, however, it is reasonable for parents to keep their adult lives separate from the lives they lead with their children for as long as possible to give their children a chance to heal. Remember, children have no say in divorce, they cannot get what they really want... Mom and Dad back together again in a happy family. Since they can't get what they want, is it really so hard for us adults to give them the time to heal from their grief by giving them what they need? Security, safety, stability, boundaries, love, attention and the feeling of being valued as a person.

Children will make relationships with their step parents in their own time and in their own way. They only have one set of biological parents in their lives, but they have the opportunity to be loved by many more people as time passes. No one will ever be Mom or Dad but Mom and Dad in a child's heart... period. But that doesn't mean that step parents can't be loved and valued for their ability to be a trusted friend or companion.

Making roles an issue over which to fight is a waste of time. No one will take the place of Mom or Dad in any child's heart. How many times have counselors watched an adult in their 60's sob as they talk about the love the wished they could have received from a deceased parent...

Let us have faith in ourselves and our relationship with our children. They need us and want us in their lives. They love us with all their hearts. Let us be there for them. Let us give them the love we were denied as a child. Let us give them what we were never able to receive. Let us be the one to break the chain of pain.

We are all well loved. Let's share that gift with our kids.

Am I A Victim?

Why does this always happen to me? How come any partner I choose ends up doing the same things to me that the last one did? Why do I find myself in the same relationship over and over again?

What do these three questions have in common? They all allow us to believe that we are the victim. In that role, we give our power away. How did we come to be the victim? What are we getting out of this role? What can we do to over come this pattern in our lives?

We may have come to see ourselves as victims through the lens of co-dependency. During a time in our lives when we lived with dysfunctional people we may have truly been a victim. We may have been a young child incapable of independence who needed our family system to survive. We may have been in an abusive relationship. We may have been genuinely hurt as a result of some past event.

If we didn't realize how we had adapted to survive these experiences, we may have become comfortable in the victim role. We may not realize we are feeling like a victim, but our language gives us away.

We may feel empowered in our capacity as victim. We may be using our role to passively control others and outcomes. In our past we may have needed to rely on our ability to manipulate through victim hood to ensure our survival. Now that we no longer live in that same family system, we have not yet realized how our victim identity has affected our current circumstances. In essence we continue to re-create the same dysfunctional familial dynamic in our new relationship by maintaining our victim status.

Once we realize our pattern and come to grips with the fact that we are no longer victims, we can begin to rebuild our self image and self esteem. It is vital that we let go of the need to control others and outcomes. In doing so we free ourselves from the need to continue our passivity and begin to own our power once again. As we begin to practice self care in our daily lives and use our tools to increase our self esteem, we free ourselves from the bonds of victim hood.

What Kind of Relationship Style Do I Have?

There are many varied styles of relationships. There are dependent, co-dependent, independent and inter-dependent. It is likely that whatever style of relationship we generally adopt with our partner, will be our style with all those with whom we associate. This information may be particularly helpful to us if we see the same type of difficulties surfacing in many of our relationships.

Dependent relationships may take place when one partner's investment in the relationship becomes extreme. This may lead to feelings of an inability to live without the other party. The over investor feels consumed by the relationship and may lose their individual identity. In this process, the relationship suffers as the over invested partner brings little back to the relationship. They are putting all their energy into only the relationship, and not living their own independent life.

Co-dependent relationships may happen when one partners needs consume the relationship causing the other party to constantly be in the position of supporter. This imbalance causes the partners to adopt roles in the relationship: caretaker, victim, persecutor. In this model, the relationship dwindles as the parties cannot be themselves. They must live within defined roles which may feel suffocating and stifle intimacy.

Independent relationships may occur when one of the partners fails to make a personal investment in the relationship due to excessive self interest. This precludes the development of intimacy. The uninvested party does not value the relationship and therefore creates imbalance through neglect. This may eventually leave the other partner feeling emotionally abandoned.

Inter-dependent relationships come about when two partners are willing to invest, commit, communicate, permit personal growth, support one another, and create balance. No one parties needs dominate the relationship. There is personal investment creating intimacy. Each partner has their own independent identity as well as an identity as party to the relationship.

It is likely that we have a blend of styles which identify our relationship pattern. We probably lean toward one overall style, but have some characteristics of others as a part of our overall relational style. Finding out how we interact with others, especially in intimate relationships, helps us understand ourselves and the reasons behind our interactions.

If we find we are not as inter-dependent as we had hoped, we can make positive changes toward that end. We can work on being more independent within our own lives, allowing us to bring more back to the relationship. We can focus on having a healthier balance between need and support if we find we are out of kilter. We can use the information we glean to better understand ourselves and our partners. This understanding can bring about increased intimacy as well as increased personal independence, resulting in our goal of inter-dependence.

Managing Expectations - Creating Stability

Making the commitment to be in a relationship is a responsibility. Two people deciding that partnership is what they desire is the basis for a relationship. To fully understand the responsibilities that partnership entails, it may be helpful to view it as though it is a business venture.

In a business relationship there are clearly delineated responsibilities and defined roles. Each party to the partnership knows exactly what their job entails and what is expected of them on a daily basis. This reliability and accountability is what keeps the wheels of the business oiled and allows the venture to continue with stability. None of the participants in the business assume that the other knows what they want or need. All communication is done openly with respect and clarity. This too keeps the business running smoothly and allows the partners to maximize their effectiveness within their business relationship.

If we apply these same principles to our personal partnerships and relationships we have a healthy basis upon which to build. As successful business persons we follow proven principles that work well in business settings. As capable adults we can transfer these skills to our personal lives. If we clarify our responsibilities with our partner and are accountable for our part, we enable the partnership to function at optimal health. Most of us have the skills that it takes to be successful in our careers. If we look at our relationship as a career at home and apply the skills we have learned in the business world to our personal relationships, we may enhance our daily lives.

We treat our partner as though they are the most important relationship we have, because it is true. We give love, gentleness, understanding, honesty, compassion, respect, reliability, accountability and effective communication to our partner as a gift from our hearts without expectation. We do this because we believe that our partner has our best interests at heart and will do the same for us. As long as we feel valued and balanced in our relationships we can continue in them in health. Over time as we give and receive, stability develops in our relationship and we can begin to trust in our partnership.

As we build our relationship with our partner we use our tools to practice self care in our daily lives. We increase our self esteem each day as we learn to value ourselves and trust our instincts. In this way we give ourselves the gift of stability.

Weekends

Weekends are typically the time when we enjoy our families and friends, taking a break from the everyday routine of life. Why then do so many of us spend our weekends feeling blue. Is it that we feel lonely? Do we not know who we are without the role we wear at our job? Are we stuck in a role at home which no longer serves our needs? Do we know what we want? Do we know how to be happy? Have we forgotten how to experience joy? Spending some time alone pondering these types of questions can lead us to experience much tension and stress. If we peel off all the roles we have in life: child, parent, sibling, co-worker, spouse, friend, lover, boss, etc. , who are WE? Who is the person underneath all the roles? Have we lost touch with the human being? How do we go about finding ourselves once again? How do we get back in touch with the person inside? Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and we are awakened from our slumber. Sometimes we decide that feeling numb is no longer how we want to live out our lives. Sometimes we experience a loss that forces our hand. Either way, the time has come to uncover ourselves and find our who we are and what we want. Tools are the way to accomplish this task. Finding ourselves among the roles isn't as hard as we thought when we have a guide to show us the way.