What Kind of Relationship Do I Have?

What kind of relationship do I have? There are different types of attachments that partners tend toward in relationships.

Dependent: partners may become enmeshed within the relationship and with one another, losing their individuality in the process and making their lives smaller. Dependent partners bring little new life to the relationship and may gradually become like a sponge, absorbing energy and vitality from the relationship and giving little in return. Dependent partners may be frightened of individual growth and may try to prevent it within themselves and their partner, thereby suffocating both their partner and the relationship in the process.

Independent: partners may not form attachments properly in independent relationships... they may live separate lives focused mainly on their own pursuits, interests and achievements. The relationship may be for status, financial reasons, or to have the correct partner for social functions. Rarely is there a significant amount of emotional intimacy between the two. The relationship may not foster attachment and may dissolve if one of the partners becomes emotionally involved with another party.

Codependent: the partnership may be unbalanced... with one of the partners needs dominating the relationship and the other partner functioning as one who services the needs of the other. Often times the partner who services feels used and alone, frequently complaining of being ignored, unheard and not validated. The partner being serviced may be completely unaware that there is any problem, as they may tend to be self absorbed. These relationships may eventually become hotbeds of anger and frustration. Partners may burn out due to excessive care taking or a build up of resentment and bitterness.

Interdependent: partners are committed to one another, yet are each others cheerleaders for individual growth and exploration. Individuation is not seen as a threat, but as an expression of growth necessary for both the individuals and the partnership to remain healthy and balanced. Each of the partners brings their individual growth back to the partnership, enriching it in the process. These partnerships may be quite long lasting and healthy, as the partners are encouraged to pursue their own interests and lives adding to the value of the relationship.

What type of relationship do you have?

I Think I Will Scream!!

She's driving me crazy! He doesn't understand how his behavior makes me feel! If she keeps nagging me I think I'll explode! If he doesn't listen to what I have to say I'll scream!

Sound familiar? We have all been in that place where we are infuriated with our partner and feel like we are going mad. We may want to shout to the heavens in frustration or curl up in a ball and disappear. Regardless of who began the current disagreement, we both end up in the same old argument again and again. What is happening? How do we get off the merry go round?

The high emotional toll that conflict brings to a relationship can be devastating. As partners we were once gentle and loving with one another. Now we bicker and argue almost daily. It seems as though not a day goes by without tension or a disagreement. We both feel like we are walking on egg shells. Every comment is taken the wrong way, every gesture and look misinterpreted. We feel stuck and can't seem to break the destructive pattern.

There is a way out. Empathy is the answer. When we can put ourselves in the place of our partner and imagine how they are feeling in that moment, we are becoming empathetic. When we are angry our ability to empathize with another vanishes. We are upset and consumed with our own feelings. In such a state we simply cannot empathize. In that moment, it is imperative that we give ourselves a time out and take a break from the situation and our partner to regain our center.

We may respond to a perceived threat by feeling anger. This may be our first line of defense. The adrenaline we produce in response to the emotional reaction from a threat, prepares our body for fight, flight or freeze. If we opt to fight with our partner, we add to the drama and discord. If we freeze, we become unable to communicate, again adding to the discord. However if we opt for self care, we can take that burst of adrenaline we received from our emotional reaction and use it to care for ourselves. We can take a brisk walk. While we walk we can mull over the events that have come to pass and use the adrenaline in our system as well. This not only protects our relationship from further harm, but also allows us to burn the adrenaline out of our system rather than letting it negatively impact our health. After a brisk walk we can return to the discussion feeling centered and empathetic, capable of coming to a mutual solution.

Although it may feel odd to walk away from conflict initially - we may have been programmed from early childhood to stay and fight it out with siblings or playmates - once we have tried this approach and found it successful, we will want to incorporate it into our tool bag for frequent use. Taking a time out, decompressing, coming back to our center, returning to empathy and being able to come to a mutual solution, are all beneficial ways of solving recurrent arguments in our relationships.

We use our tools in our daily lives. Our consistent practice of self care gives us increased self esteem. As our relationship improves our ability to be a part of an inter-dependent relationship increases and we become happier more fulfilled human beings. And isn't that what it's all about?

Living Your Own Life - Together

Inter-dependent relationships are the most healthy and productive. What does it take to create and sustain an inter-dependent relationship?

It is vital for each party to a relationship to have their own life in addition to the life they share with their partner. Personal space is vital to each parties ability to have an independent identity apart from the other. It allows each partner to bring their own lives to the relationship as a gift, enriching the relationship in the process. The whole then truly becomes greater than the sum of its parts as each partner has the opportunity to learn from and revel in the accomplishments of the other.

Imagine how dull life would be if each of us were the same. There would be no surprises, nothing new to discover, no new paths to walk, just the same old routine day after day. When relationships become dull and routine partners may begin to feel bored. Boredom is toxic to the health of the relationship. It is like a cancer that spreads slowly, seeping into all parts, making the time together difficult and unpleasant.

It is vital for partners to have interesting and productive individual lives, whether they have a career or are homemakers. Having interests and hobbies may be one way for partners to keep their intellect alive and their ability to be interesting people flourishing. There is no quicker way to kill the relationship than to bring nothing new to it on an ongoing basis. Sewing the seeds of boredom quickly brings contented partners into discontent.

Equally important is couple time for partners. When relationships include family, whether children or extended family, partners may become overly involved with familial obligations and begin to neglect their partnership. Over time a neglected relationship begins to die. Making time on a regular basis for a date night is vital to keeping the emotional intimacy alive between partners. If funds are tight, taking a walk together after dinner may be enough for partners to reconnect after a hectic day. Being alone as partners allows for sharing of intimate feelings without distraction or interruption.

When we take the time to invest in our own lives and create interests and hobbies we bring ourselves happiness that is dependent on no one else. This is vital to our mental health. When we are happy individually we do not depend on others for our emotional stability. We become capable of providing ourselves with a fulfilling life. This is the basis of a healthy relationship. We bring ourselves as a gift to the relationship, not an albatross of dependency to be hung around our partners neck.

We use our tools to develop our gifts and abilities as whole rounded human beings. In this way we increase our self esteem and our inner happiness. Our relationship grows as we feed our inner selves and allow our partner the same privilege. In this way we give ourselves and our relationship the gift of inter-dependence.

What Kind of Relationship Style Do I Have?

There are many varied styles of relationships. There are dependent, co-dependent, independent and inter-dependent. It is likely that whatever style of relationship we generally adopt with our partner, will be our style with all those with whom we associate. This information may be particularly helpful to us if we see the same type of difficulties surfacing in many of our relationships.

Dependent relationships may take place when one partner's investment in the relationship becomes extreme. This may lead to feelings of an inability to live without the other party. The over investor feels consumed by the relationship and may lose their individual identity. In this process, the relationship suffers as the over invested partner brings little back to the relationship. They are putting all their energy into only the relationship, and not living their own independent life.

Co-dependent relationships may happen when one partners needs consume the relationship causing the other party to constantly be in the position of supporter. This imbalance causes the partners to adopt roles in the relationship: caretaker, victim, persecutor. In this model, the relationship dwindles as the parties cannot be themselves. They must live within defined roles which may feel suffocating and stifle intimacy.

Independent relationships may occur when one of the partners fails to make a personal investment in the relationship due to excessive self interest. This precludes the development of intimacy. The uninvested party does not value the relationship and therefore creates imbalance through neglect. This may eventually leave the other partner feeling emotionally abandoned.

Inter-dependent relationships come about when two partners are willing to invest, commit, communicate, permit personal growth, support one another, and create balance. No one parties needs dominate the relationship. There is personal investment creating intimacy. Each partner has their own independent identity as well as an identity as party to the relationship.

It is likely that we have a blend of styles which identify our relationship pattern. We probably lean toward one overall style, but have some characteristics of others as a part of our overall relational style. Finding out how we interact with others, especially in intimate relationships, helps us understand ourselves and the reasons behind our interactions.

If we find we are not as inter-dependent as we had hoped, we can make positive changes toward that end. We can work on being more independent within our own lives, allowing us to bring more back to the relationship. We can focus on having a healthier balance between need and support if we find we are out of kilter. We can use the information we glean to better understand ourselves and our partners. This understanding can bring about increased intimacy as well as increased personal independence, resulting in our goal of inter-dependence.