Volunteering - A Path to Better Self Esteem

How can we feel better about our own life? What can we do to improve our self esteem?

In addition to the recovery work that we practice in our daily lives we have another avenue open to us for increasing our self esteem. Volunteering. When we avail ourselves of the opportunity to help others we leave our own issues and difficulties behind and focus outside ourselves for a time. We become immersed in the problems of others and in the process may gain some perspective on our own issues.

One of the most wonderful ways we can accomplish this task during the holidays is a creation of the United States Postal Service called Operation Santa Claus. The movement had its beginnings in the 1920's when postal workers took letters from the dead letter office address to Santa and chipped in some of their own funds to buy gift for needy children. Since that time the New York City postal workers at the post office located at 33rd Street and Eighth Avenue, behind Madison Square Garden, have collected the letters and set them aside for folks to read over and choose each year, beginning in December. These postal workers do this on their own time without pay each year. It is estimated that this year there may be up to 200,000 letters due to the economic down turn.

Let us each take a moment this year and choose to give a child who will receive nothing a gift. If your own economic circumstances don't permit the expense of any funds, making something creative will fill the void nicely.

I have participated in Operation Santa Claus and have found it made my holidays the most fulfilling of all. Here is a link to an article about Operation Santa Claus.
http://www.operationlettertosanta.com/Pages/story_1.htm

Plants and Pets

A couple of points for consideration: Why might we consider looking for a new relationship? If we were with our partner for many years and are just a few months into the process of adjusting to the end of our relationship, we are still pretty raw.

What if we find a terrific new partner who's former partner passed away and they don't have the baggage we do. We might be too damaged to successfully navigate this new relationship and in the process hurt both ourselves and our new partner. That would be a sad outcome.

We would be better served to take some time for self care, healing some of our wounds prior to trying to find a new partner. It's fairer to both ourself and our potential new partner. neither of us need to get hurt.

It may seem like finding someone new will make us feel better, but it's really likely to be a rebound relationship for us, and possibly not one for our new partner. We don't want to be unfair to another person or ourself.

Let's give ourselves time to heal. The average time it takes to get past the five stages of grief varies, but is generally around two years. During that time we can start with a plant. If the plant lives, after a couple of months get a pet. If the plant and the pet are both still alive after about two years, we are ready to care for a human being.

In the interim we can learn to care for ourselves. We practice our tools in our daily lives, making certain that we treat ourselves with all the empathy and compassion that we deserve. In this way we give ourselves the gift of healing.

Living Your Own Life - Together

Inter-dependent relationships are the most healthy and productive. What does it take to create and sustain an inter-dependent relationship?

It is vital for each party to a relationship to have their own life in addition to the life they share with their partner. Personal space is vital to each parties ability to have an independent identity apart from the other. It allows each partner to bring their own lives to the relationship as a gift, enriching the relationship in the process. The whole then truly becomes greater than the sum of its parts as each partner has the opportunity to learn from and revel in the accomplishments of the other.

Imagine how dull life would be if each of us were the same. There would be no surprises, nothing new to discover, no new paths to walk, just the same old routine day after day. When relationships become dull and routine partners may begin to feel bored. Boredom is toxic to the health of the relationship. It is like a cancer that spreads slowly, seeping into all parts, making the time together difficult and unpleasant.

It is vital for partners to have interesting and productive individual lives, whether they have a career or are homemakers. Having interests and hobbies may be one way for partners to keep their intellect alive and their ability to be interesting people flourishing. There is no quicker way to kill the relationship than to bring nothing new to it on an ongoing basis. Sewing the seeds of boredom quickly brings contented partners into discontent.

Equally important is couple time for partners. When relationships include family, whether children or extended family, partners may become overly involved with familial obligations and begin to neglect their partnership. Over time a neglected relationship begins to die. Making time on a regular basis for a date night is vital to keeping the emotional intimacy alive between partners. If funds are tight, taking a walk together after dinner may be enough for partners to reconnect after a hectic day. Being alone as partners allows for sharing of intimate feelings without distraction or interruption.

When we take the time to invest in our own lives and create interests and hobbies we bring ourselves happiness that is dependent on no one else. This is vital to our mental health. When we are happy individually we do not depend on others for our emotional stability. We become capable of providing ourselves with a fulfilling life. This is the basis of a healthy relationship. We bring ourselves as a gift to the relationship, not an albatross of dependency to be hung around our partners neck.

We use our tools to develop our gifts and abilities as whole rounded human beings. In this way we increase our self esteem and our inner happiness. Our relationship grows as we feed our inner selves and allow our partner the same privilege. In this way we give ourselves and our relationship the gift of inter-dependence.

Investing Our Time

"...the biggest mistake made is the one most make, not living in the moment enough. This is particularly clear once the moment is gone..."

Living in the moment... being fully present... one of the favorite books for a short read, "The Precious Present"... all of these statements have one thing in common... sharing the message that time is our most valuable asset. We can undo almost any mistake we make in life. We can redo our marriage, we can reinvent ourselves, we can repair broken relationships, we can re-earn money, we can revisit a lost honeymoon, we can reconnect with people we have forgotten, we can do all these things... but one thing we can never do is recapture lost time.

We spend our money carefully, especially during difficult economic times. We plan our vacations with fun and relaxation in mind so as not to waste them. We go to work every day, protecting our future and our career. So often though, we waste our precious moments failing to be present enough to enjoy what is being offered. With one foot in the past, worrying if old hurtful patterns will re-emerge, and another foot in the future, worrying what will happen, we have no energy left for the present. The only moment we ever have is now.

If we view time like a bank account it makes much sense. We are given a large deposit upon our birth. We don't know how much that deposit may be. We have some power during our lives to make additional deposits by practicing healthy choices in our daily lives. We make withdrawals each moment of the day. Eventually we run out of time. It is our choice how we spend our time account in each and every moment of our lives. We strive to spend our time with intent, rather than reacting to our world. We cannot control the way that others spend the time that they have, but we can choose to invest our time wisely.

Let us use our tools to make the most of our time. When we invest in ourselves we increase the number of moments in which we experience joy. This is our gift to ourselves, the gift of living in the moment and being in the precious present.