Investing Our Time

"...the biggest mistake made is the one most make, not living in the moment enough. This is particularly clear once the moment is gone..."

Living in the moment... being fully present... one of the favorite books for a short read, "The Precious Present"... all of these statements have one thing in common... sharing the message that time is our most valuable asset. We can undo almost any mistake we make in life. We can redo our marriage, we can reinvent ourselves, we can repair broken relationships, we can re-earn money, we can revisit a lost honeymoon, we can reconnect with people we have forgotten, we can do all these things... but one thing we can never do is recapture lost time.

We spend our money carefully, especially during difficult economic times. We plan our vacations with fun and relaxation in mind so as not to waste them. We go to work every day, protecting our future and our career. So often though, we waste our precious moments failing to be present enough to enjoy what is being offered. With one foot in the past, worrying if old hurtful patterns will re-emerge, and another foot in the future, worrying what will happen, we have no energy left for the present. The only moment we ever have is now.

If we view time like a bank account it makes much sense. We are given a large deposit upon our birth. We don't know how much that deposit may be. We have some power during our lives to make additional deposits by practicing healthy choices in our daily lives. We make withdrawals each moment of the day. Eventually we run out of time. It is our choice how we spend our time account in each and every moment of our lives. We strive to spend our time with intent, rather than reacting to our world. We cannot control the way that others spend the time that they have, but we can choose to invest our time wisely.

Let us use our tools to make the most of our time. When we invest in ourselves we increase the number of moments in which we experience joy. This is our gift to ourselves, the gift of living in the moment and being in the precious present.

Patience

When we start our journey into recovery we are excited, anticipating the boundless future we have ahead of us. We dive headlong into our work, eager to make changes, unblock our joy, increase our self esteem, find our happiness.

But the road ahead is long and filled with potholes. We take three steps forward and two steps back. For some, we feel for the first time in our adult lives. We may be overwhelmed with experiencing emotion. We hear negative self talk when all is quiet. We criticize our missteps and berate ourselves for not learning as fast as we might like. We wonder... will it ever be easy... will it ever come naturally... will we ever achieve our goals? We fight the changes, they are uncomfortable. We feel awkward. We begin to second guess ourselves... is this really going to help? Is this a waste of time? We question whether it is really possible for us to make changes. Our belief falters.

But then, we begin to see ourselves in a new light. Our self deception slips away and we glimpse ourselves as others see us. We see our underlying beliefs and begin to understand how they have effected the choices we have made in our daily lives. We start to see that our decisions have led us to our current circumstances. We realize that we can effect the outcome of our daily lives by becoming more present in the moment, responding rather than reacting and using our tools for self care. Our path becomes clearer and we begin to trust the recovery process once again. In this way we give ourselves the gift of patience. Patience with ourselves and patience with the recovery process.

Intimacy

One of the most sought after ideals in the human condition is intimacy. We yearn to have another truly know us. Yet at the same time we are desperately afraid to be seen. This harsh reality is the cause of many relationship struggles. We come together then pull apart. We desire time with others, then move away to soothe ourselves. In the dance of intimacy there is the unspoken two step that we unconsciously complete as we glide along. We often participate in the dance without even knowing it. We move in concert with our partner as though we were trained together.

Why then does the dance cause so much pain and drama in our daily lives? As we come together we feel the rush of closeness and the promise of joy that intimacy holds. We revel in the moment. But we cannot sustain the level of intimacy without feeling the fear that we somehow, will be lost. In reaction we pull back, gasping for personal space. Our instinctive reaction to pull away is our survival mechanism preserving our individuality. Intimacy at this level cannot be sustained for more than mere moments at a time. If we lived constantly at this energy level we would be exhausted.

So why does the coming apart cause so much drama and feelings of loss? Our expectations are the root of the challenge. We do not always understand the necessity of individuality. In our search for intimacy and connection we often feel that we must remain connected at all times to be whole. This is certainly not the case. In order to be two whole individuals, we must come apart to live our own lives and bring new experiences and ideas back to the joining. We must pull away to again rejoin. This time of separation allows us to live our own experiences, increase our self esteem and come back together with more to offer our partner. The synergy of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. As we increase our self worth through self care and using our tools, we increase the value of our intimate relationships. This is a gift we give ourselves, intimacy.

Letting Go

To say that letting go is difficult is an understatement. Letting events flow as the universe intends goes against the human instinct. We all strive to control outcomes. But is that really effective? When we move against the current, the ebb and flow of universal synergy, we set up a peculiar energy that others can feel. They may not be able to put their finger on what they sense, but they certainly sense that something is not right. Controlling outcomes may cause harm. Someone we love may be suffering the consequences of prior behaviors or acts. If we try to control outcomes to minimize their pain, should we succeed, what have we accomplished? We have failed to let our loved one learn their lesson. Instead we have taught them that when they make a mistake we will step in and save them from the natural consequences of their actions. This will eventually force the universe to cause them to experience a more severe consequence that even we cannot fix. So, have we helped? No. We have stepped in, and in our effort to provide a false bottom for them, have delayed them learning their lesson, actually causing them greater harm in the long run. Letting go means that we trust that we, and others, are exactly where we are supposed to be in the moment, and that there is a greater plan that we cannot yet see. When an artist paints he sees each individual brush stroke as he creates his masterpiece. He has a greater plan in mind. If we see only the brush strokes, we miss the masterpiece. We must step back and view the completed painting, seeing it in its entirety. Only then do we really understand the master plan. Our lives are like a painting. We cannot easily step back and view the path on which we walk. Only when time has passed and we have the opportunity to look back in retrospect can we appreciate the art of the universes plan.