Where Do Relationship Ideals Come From?

Where do we get our concept of what relationships should look like? How to these ideas affect our relationship with our partner? What can we do to compensate for differences in our relationship vision?

When we are very young we observe the world around us. We are like a sponge absorbing all that our senses can detect. We watch our caretakers as they go about their daily lives. As they interact with one another they serve as an example of partnership relationship behavior. As we grow up, we observe relationships other than that of our family of origin. We see other adults interact on a daily basis. We see our peers behaviors. We watch television, absorbing ideas regarding relationships from that venue. By the time we have reached the end of our adolescence we have observed thousands of relationships from a wide variety of sources.

Our earliest observations within our family of origin forms the basis for our values and beliefs regarding how adult relationships are formed and maintained. If our family of origin was healthy, balanced and communication was open, we will come to expect our relationship to mirror those values. If our partner came from a family of origin where there was hostility, dysfunction and a lack of communication we will have opposite expectations.

As we enter into a relationship with our partner the difference in our backgrounds may cause us difficulties in our partnership. We may, for example, expect to talk through problems whereas our partner may not wish to acknowledge problems. We may find that over time we experience discomfort due to the difference in the way each of us handles our emotions and how that difference affects our relationship.

If we are to create harmony and balance in our relationship we must find a way to communicate with our partner in a way that our partner is able to hear. We look for common ground, shared goals and values as a starting point. Once we have discovered that we essentially want to reach the same goals, the path to meeting those goals becomes easier to forge. As we share our values and ideals we may find that we share more commonality than we previously knew. As we work toward a solution we keep our shared vision prominently in view, keeping us on track toward our goals.

We adjust our expectations of one another as we walk the path we have chosen. Perfection is not the goal. We will both experience setbacks as we work toward our shared vision. With compassion and deliberation, we take two steps forward and one back on our road to balance and harmony in our relationship.

Caretaker... Victim... Persecutor... Round and Round We Go!!

What is co-dependency? How does it create the feelings we experience? What can we do to overcome the cycle of interaction it perpetuates in our daily lives?

It is a fact that we interact with others in our relationships in virtually the same pattern time after time. Some of these are learned behaviors from experiences we had during our childhoods. Some of these are due to events which occurred during our adult years. Either way, we seem to follow a specific pattern of interaction.

If we are behaving co-dependently in our relationships we may have been busy caretaking our partner. We are doing for them what they can and should be doing for themselves. This amounts to rescuing them from the natural consequences that might occur if we allowed the universe to unfold naturally rather than attempting to control outcomes. After a time we have taught our partner that they can rely upon us to rescue them from their missteps, forgotten chores, irresponsibility, laziness or just carelessness. At first we may feel empowered in our role as problem solver. But over time as we pick up more and more of the slack we begin to feel resentful.

As our resentment builds we begin to view ourselves a victims of our partners bad habits. The fact that we co-created these habits within the relationship escapes our attention. We are focused instead upon our partners failings, not on how we co-created them. We feel used, victimized, unappreciated and unhappy. We express our dissatisfaction to our partner in the form of complaints, nagging, emotional distance and withdrawal. Our partner is understandably confused at our apparent change of heart. Initially in our caretaking role we seemed happy to do the extra work in the relationship. Now, suddenly, we are upset and discontent. We are giving mixed messages to our partner and are unaware of it.

Finally we come to a point where we are angry. We have had enough of being used and had all our extra efforts go unappreciated. We explode in rage at our partner accusing them of taking us for granted and not appreciating all we do for them. When our partner counters with the statement that they never asked us to do any of this extra work for them, we are shocked. Can't they see how nice we have been? Don't they understand that this is how we are expressing our love for them? When our partner tells us that they resent being treated like an inept child we are stunned. How can they be so blind to all our caring efforts? We storm out.

We take time to mull over what has happened. How can this be? As we cool down we begin to feel guilty about all the accusations we have hurled in anger. We wonder if our partner is still upset by our outburst. We approach and apologize for our words. Our partner accepts our apology and we feel better. We resume our posture of caretaking and the cycle begins again.

In essence our partner has expressed the core of the problem. They did not ask us to undertake our caretaking behaviors. We did this on our own. They resent being treated as an inept child who cannot do for themselves. They would rather not have to deal with our anger, resentment, emotional ups and downs and mixed messages. We have created this situation with our co-dependency.

Co-dependency may look like help... but help is the sunny side of control. We are not helping because we have altruistic desires to aid our partner, we are trying to control outcomes. This sets up a peculiar energy that others can feel. Our partner may not be able to put words to what they sense, but they sense something is amiss. It is this pattern that causes dysfunction within our relationship and eventually leads us into recovery.

Self care or Selfishness... Which One Is It?

Image by CatrinaZ via Flickr

Self care... what is it? Is it being selfish? Is it putting myself before others? How do I know how to do it? What do I do to practice self care?

These are all excellent questions. Self care is all about learning to take care of ourselves so that we live balanced lives, avoid feeling overwhelmed and don't allow other peoples drama to control us.

That is a real mouthful. Learning to practice self care is a process. During that process we learn tools... actions to take to reduce our stress. We also learn boundaries... where we end and another person begins. Additionally we learn discernment... the ability to pay attention to our gut and our own innate capacity to know when, how much and whom to trust.

Learning these skills takes time and effort. It is a lifelong process that we continue to practice in our daily lives. We begin with tools. These are actions we can take to reduce stress. We learn deep breathing, guided meditation, visualization, affirmations, and techniques for self soothing. We begin to appreciate the quiet gentleness of taking a scented bath, reading a novel, sharing a phone call with a dear friend, having our evening meal by candlelight even when we are alone, taking a long walk, listening to the roar of the ocean or the breeze through the trees.

Boundaries... where we end and another person begins... can be a difficult lesson. We have control over one person in our lives... ourselves. We can cajole, beg, plead, order, dominate, manipulate, cry, scream, rant and try all methods of controlling others to no avail. Eventually we have to learn to let go. When we do we find that we are capable of saying no to requests we don't wish to indulge. We can ignore the behavior of others who are trying to control us and remember that we own our power. As we learn to respect others boundaries and our own we will reduce the drama in our lives and become more peaceful.

Discernment can be the toughest lesson of all. We have let others delude us for too long. We have believed the unbelievable, trusted the untrustworthy and forfeited our ability to trust ourselves in the process. Slowly, as we practice self care, we will come to trust our gut... to know when someone is not being honest... to listen between the lines... to pay attention to body language. We will learn once again how to trust ourselves, for that is the reality of our loss. We no longer trust our ability to discern the truth from lies.

As we practice self care we increase our self esteem one notch at a time. Like steps on a ladder we inch our way back to health and joy. We cannot underestimate how much we have lost, but we are on the road to recovery. In time we will find a healthier, happier self whom we can rely upon and trust.

These are the lessons of self care. We practice self care in our daily lives, using our tools, setting boundaries and slowly coming to learn discernment as we begin to trust ourselves once again. In this way we give ourselves the gift of increased self esteem.

Addiction or Dedication... Which Am I?

What is the difference between addiction and dedication? Why is one destructive and the other constructive?

Work is a healthy necessary vital part of one's life. However, there are workaholics who lose their ability to get pleasure from other parts of their lives and find comfort only in work. We migrate from acceptable to destructive in that example and from dedicated to addicted.

Pain killers are a necessity after surgery. We would be unable to tolerate the enormous pain we would suffer without them. As we heal we take less and less of the pain killers until we no longer need them. When we do not take less and less, we become addicted to them. We have again moved from acceptable to destructive.

The point of addiction arrives when the substance or activity is interfering with our ability to live our lives, enjoy healthy pleasures and interact with others in positive meaningful ways. Through abuse we can become addicted to virtually anything... diet soda, sugar, McDonalds, gambling, illicit drugs, porn, sky diving, even violence and hostility can become addicting. When a substance or activity becomes addictive it destroys our ability to remain peaceful and centered, to practice self care and enjoy our daily lives.

Constructive substances and activities enhance the quality of our lives. They may give meaning and pleasure to our routines and enhance our enjoyment. It is easy to move from constructive to destructive when we become unbalanced. When we seek to escape from the pressures of daily life in unhealthy ways we may take constructive activities or substances and allow them to become destructive.

This is the reason we participate in recovery. Through our ability to practice self care and look within at our own truths we keep ourselves in balance. We remind ourselves not to struggle against the ebb and flow of the universe and allow our higher power to guide us on our chosen path. Through recovery work we learn to practice self care and return to balance in all areas of our lives.

Relationships in Step Families

Wednesday Martin, Ph.D, author of the book, Stepmonster, has some truths to share with us about the possibilities that may occur in step families when relationships begin to deteriorate over time and those involved are not in recovery. Here is her perspective.

One of the ugliest truths of stepfamily reality, I learned as I researched my book Stepmonster, is competition. Namely, competition between the woman with stepkids and her husband's kids for the husband/father's time, attention, and assets. In spite of our culture's insistence that divorced and remarried men with kids can jerry rig a life where "both his kids and his wife come first," and regardless of our notion that women should just "put his kids first because it's right," we live in the real world. And in that real world, the longitudinal studies by Bray, Ahrons, and Hetherington tell us, kids of all ages often find themselves in loyalty binds, leading them to treat their stepmothers in unkind ways. Other kids who have been parented permissively post- divorce (a common phenomenon) may act out well into adulthood, blaming their stepmothers for their parent's divorce even when it isn't the case, and failing to treat their father, his marriage and his wife with respect. Divorced fathers, for their part, too often refuse to require civil behavior from their kids toward stepmom, out of guilt that the kids went through a divorce, and fear that if they draw the line, the kids will walk away forever. And finally, more than a few stepmothers who want very badly to get stepmothering right will find themselves depleted from years of rebuffs; they may retreat in disappointment or frustration, in an effort to protect themselves and preserve their dignity. Steprelations, the experts cited above tell us, are virtually never effortless, and they are frequently difficult.

With that sobering thought in mind let us look carefully at our recovery process making sure that we are practicing self care and using our tools in our daily lives. This graphic illustration of what can happen when people attempt to brush issues aside, or pretend that problems don't exist brings home the tragic reality that when the truth is ignored both adults and children suffer needlessly. If those in these relationships were practicing self care and moving forward in their recovery journey their outcomes would all be more positive in the long run. This is not to say that real issues do not surface regardless, but dealing with them as they arise in an effective manner reduces their long term impact and promotes more positive interactions.

We are all responsible for the quality of our relationships and the effort we put forth to make those special ties work as well as possible. As we move forward in our recovery we add value to all our partnerships and those we care most about in our lives.

Recovery from Trauma, Stress and Abuse

There are many articles on trauma and stress. This one is excellent and addresses many of the issues we face in our relationships. It is interesting to note that the field of psychology has determined to give a diagnosis to the condition we in recovery have long termed codependency. As we practice our tools and increase our self esteem we overcome so many of these difficulties in our daily lives. Here are some excerpts from the article for our review.

The Effects of Prolonged Psychological Trauma and Abuse by Brian Trappler, M.D.

There was a time when mental health professionals attempted to fit all trauma-related symptoms into the single category of PTSD. Several years after PTSD was adopted , studies revealed that this diagnosis captured only a limited scope of post-traumatic symptoms.
Several studies of traumatized children reported patterns of unmotivated aggression and impulse control, dissociative symptoms and difficulties negotiating interpersonal relationships. Others studied victims who had survived rape or incest during childhood. Their findings also illustrated problems not captured in PTSD. Instead, these victims appeared to have a compromised sense of safety, self worth, and an inability to self-soothe.

People who have been in any type of prolonged abuse situation, including hostages, abused children and battered spouses, may continue to feel and behave as victims as a result of the sense of danger they felt when they were in the abusive situation... it never passed from their conscious or unconscious memory. Throughout their lives, they describe themselves as feeling emotionally dead inside... other people may see them as being detached. Almost twenty years after psychological effects of trauma had been squeezed into the label of PTSD, there emerged a new term for this syndrome: Complex Trauma.

The following symptoms may occur in people with prolonged histories of inter-personal trauma: disturbances in perception of self and others, patterns of trauma re-enactment, inability to regulate mood, the adoption by victims of the belief systems of their tormentors, a loss of a coherent sense of self, an inability to engage in stable or trusting relationships, and an inability to free themselves from the abuse dynamic. While some victims became abusers themselves, others appeared to become compulsively attracted to predators. By so doing, they continued a repetition-compulsion of their childhood abuse into their adult relationships. Complex trauma may cause changes in the following areas of development:

1. Alterations in mood and impulse control
2. Alterations in attention or consciousness
3. Symptoms of a somatic nature
4. Alterations in self-perception
5. Alterations in relations with others
6. Alterations in perception of the perpetrator
7. Alterations in systems of meaning

Complex Trauma may cause damage to the following areas of interpersonal functioning:

1. The capacity to feel secure and emotionally comfortable in relationships
2. The capacity to feel empowered in relationships with others (via empathic engagement)
3. The skills required for self-awareness.
4. The skills required for affect-regulation and self-soothing
5. The personal sense of boundaries
6. The ability to preserve world beliefs and a sense of meaning
7. The ability to stay anchored and mindful during stress (as opposed to dissociating)
8. The ability to tolerate a full range of emotions without being overwhelmed or shutting down


We can be grateful that we have the tools necessary to combat the effects of trauma, stress and abuse in our daily lives. We practice self care increasing our self esteem and moving ever so steadily toward acceptance. In this way we continue to give ourselves the gift of hope.

Does Our Relationship Need A Patch?

What do we do when we hit a rough patch in our relationship? How do we make it through to the other side?

All long term committed relationships find they hit difficult times at some point. Partners suffer disappointments in their lives and these effect the relationship. Health issues can cause much stress and strain during times of illness, whether it's a member of the partnership or an extended family member. Body changes that occur during menopause and andropause may cause challenging times within a relationship. There may be times when one or both of the partners suffers the loss of a loved one. All these situations have the capacity to temporarily derail the partnership.

How do we get back on track? What can we do to minimize the damage? How do we support our partner, or garner support when we need it?

The key to getting out relationship back on track is regaining our balance. Life is not always easy or fair. This is a truism that each of us comes to accept in our own time. Wonderful people get horrible diseases and die young. Cruel people may benefit via the destruction of others throughout their lifetimes. The hardest thing about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is what each of us will face at some point in our lives.

We regain our balance by practicing acceptance and gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for in our daily lives. We try our best to focus on those things. We practice empathy and compassion for our partner as they struggle with their issues or losses. Change and the ensuing adjustment to those changes is difficult and painful. We do the best that we can to offer comfort and compassion to our partner as they face reality. This does not mean that we become another's doormat. We continue to practice self care, recognizing that healthy boundaries are an integral part of our healthy relationship. We may decide to overlook some unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to be compassionate, so long as they do not affect our self esteem.

When we are the one facing difficult times we try to be as calm as possible. We explain our situation in as much detail as we can to our partner, so as to provide them with the necessary information to cope with our difficulty. We try to be specific in our request for support letting our needs be known and not assuming that our partner will know what to do to help us. When we need to vent or be heard we explain that we don't actually need our partner to do anything but listen and be empathetic. In this way we free our partner from feeling impotent in the situation. We take time each day to practice self care, especially paying attention to our stress levels and using our tools (meditation, breathing, guided imagery, pampering) to manage them within acceptable limits.

When the challenges have passed the key to regaining intimacy and balance is gratefulness. We make sure we share with our partner how important their support has been throughout the ordeal, noting specific instances where their efforts have produced positive results for us. This type of validation and appreciation brings closure to the event and gives the supporting partner the proverbial shot in the arm they deserve for standing by us throughout the ordeal.

Compassion and empathy displayed often yields compassion and empathy returned. We attract what we are... not what we want. As long as we remember this ultimate truth we will be clear about how we are to behave in our relationships.

Having Trust Issues?

Trust issues are common after the ending of a long term relationship. Our self esteem has been battered and our ego has been badly bruised. How do we overcome our lack of trust and enjoy intimacy once again?

When we begin trying to connect with a new person we wait for the other shoe to drop, because in the past it did. Dealing with trust issues takes guts. We have to look at ourselves and figure out what part of the failure of our relationship was our responsibility... we all have some, even if it's just 1%.

Once we face ourselves naked, so to speak, we will know who we are when no one is looking. At that point we will understand that the trust issues aren't really about anyone but ourselves. We no longer trust ourselves to discern when someone is deceiving us. We need to begin to trust ourselves again, slowly, to learn to trust our gut once again.

We will learn that the body never lies. We will get that feeling in the pit of our stomach when someone is bs'ing us and we will learn to pay attention to it rather than thinking we are just reacting inappropriately. We will learn discernment, who to trust and when and where that trust is appropriately given. We will learn not to reveal too much about ourselves too soon in a new relationship before we have gotten to know our new partner well enough. We don't want to load the gun that may be pointed at our preverbial head somewhere down the road. We will learn that we do have the capacity to tell when someone is behaving in ways that are not in our best interest. That we can tell when we are being deceived. That we are capable of protecting ourselves from being hurt, and still be open enough to enjoy intimacy with a responsible accountable partner.

It's a process that takes some time, but we will get there. We will use our tools, practice self care in our daily lives and embrace the changes that will come with recovery.

Want To Feel More Loving?

What happened to all the good feelings I used to have toward my partner? Why do I feel so irritated and upset toward my partner when we quarrel? How can I get back to feeling more loving?

During the course of a committed relationship we may find themselves becoming insensitive toward our partner. We forget just how special it is to be loved by someone who is not a blood relative of ours. We may forget that it takes a great deal of understanding and empathy to live with another human being. We forget that we have as many flaws (or more) as we see in our partner.

It is easy to point our finger at our partner and complain about some irritation that we have encountered. It is much harder to stop, think about whether or not this irritation is truly important, and decide whether or not to let it pass unspoken. How many times has our partner not complained about our missteps? A good measure of whether or not something is worth pursuing might be, "Will this matter in five years?" If the answer is no, maybe it doesn't matter today either.

There are more than enough serious issues that occupy partners in their everyday lives. We need to learn to let the trivial remain as such as keep alive the gratefulness we should feel, to be sharing our lives with someone we believe is special.

As we practice gratefulness in our daily lives we will give our partner what each of us truly yearns for... acceptance. More than any other area of our lives our primary relationship is the one in which we long to be accepted for who we really are. We wish to not need to wear masks with our partner, to be able to be ourselves and be loved as such. When we receive that gift within our relationship we feel valued, loved and special. We can then share that loving feeling with our partner and others in our life.

So the answer to the question... How can I get back to feeling more loving? Is to give unconditional love to our partner expecting nothing in return. In the process of giving freely of ourselves we open the door for real compassion and love to return to us. We attract not what we want, but who we are. If we remember this in all our endeavors we will be able to walk the path that leads to fulfillment by becoming the person within.

Four Small Additions Bring Joyful Relationships

A recent survey of 4000 couples married for at least sixteen years, prompted author Pamela Regan, PhD to write on the four key areas in relationships that seemed to make a significant difference with regard to how happy folks felt within their partnerships. These are the four points that seemed to make all the difference:

Physical touch: The group of partners in the study wanted to be hugged, cuddled or just touched about four times daily. They enjoyed the physical connection expressed in affectionate terms and liked small consistent doses throughout their day. A hug in the morning before leaving for work, a kiss or hug upon returning from the day, a quick touch on the arm when passing one another in the home, sitting close on the couch watching TV or reading in the evenings, these small actions all added to the feeling of closeness within the relationship.

Gestures of courtship: When partners first meet there are many displays of courtship within the relationship. Over time as the partnership moves on to one of long term intimacy and commitment, these small but important gestures often get lost in the day to day activities of life. Partners in this study were appreciative of efforts made about once in ten days to be mindful of courtship and make efforts in this direction. It doesn't have to be complex. Simple gestures are often the best. Running a bath for a partner tired and sore from a days work, turning down the bed at the end of the day, lighting candles at the dinner table, bringing home a bunch of daisies, offering a light back rub, these simple but thoughtful gestures go a long way to making partners feel special and loved.

Supportive action: Lending a helping hand without being asked can be one of the most effective ways of showing the love we have for our partner. The study group enjoyed these supportive actions on average three times a month. Cleaning up after a meal, helping out with the the laundry, raking the leaves, grooming a pet, making coffee in the morning, all these small gestures are non verbal ways to show the feelings we have for our partner as well as making their responsibilities in the home lighter.

Couple time: The partners in this study enjoyed an average of two dinner dates out and seven cozy nights in each month. Nights out are a special gift to a partnership. These times allow partners to reconnect with one another in an intimate way without the distractions of family and home. Cozy nights in work well to reinforce intimacy. Spending time talking and sharing the events of the day over a glass of wine or a cup of tea without the background noise of the television or radio allows partners to reconnect frequently and catch up on each others lives, a vital part of maintaining closeness between those in a relationship.

As we strive to improve the quality of our relationships and the joy we give and receive in interacting with our partner we may choose to add these four small changes to our daily lives. In addition to the self care we practice within our daily routine, we can enhance the quality of our partnership and our own lives by practicing compassion and consideration in our daily interactions. In this way we give ourselves the gift of intimacy.

Drown Out the Discussion

It seems we have reached a point in Washington where the divisive rhetoric is so loud that we can't hear the facts anymore. This drown out the discussion strategy for trying to defeat health care reform isn't new. It has been used time and time again over the 200 plus years we have existed as a nation to drown out the voices of change. This truth is it isn't limited to Washington.

In our relationships some of us use the same strategy when we disagree. Instead of talking respectfully and listening attentively, so as to understand both sides of the situation, some of us practice drown out the discussion tactics. We appear to be listening when our partner is sharing their point of view, however what we may be doing is forming our next talking point. Many times we may be so absorbed with our own agenda that we hear virtually nothing being spoken. This can be a major contributor to poor communication between ourselves and our partner.

How do we become more attentive and focused as a listener? We keep our posture in an attitude of attentiveness. We lean forward slightly and look our partner in the eye. We keep our hands free and unoccupied. We listen without passing judgement or forming a reply. We focus on what is being shared. When our partner has finished speaking we reflect back the essence of the words and emotion that has been shared with us. We ask for confirmation. If necessary, we allow corrections and repeat the process until we have fully grasped our partners point of view. This process allows our partner to feel heard and validated. When our partner is satisfied that they have been fully understood they will be ready to listen to our point of view in the same manner.

Conversely, when we are the one sharing we focus on being succinct. We try to proceed through our points in a logical manner flowing from idea to idea in as few moments as possible. If we share too much at once our partner may lose our overall concept and be unable to comprehend our point of view. If we have a great deal to share we may need to break it into segments shared one at a time. When our partner reflects back our words and emotions, we listen attentively to ensure that the entirety of our message has been received. If we need to make corrections we do so gently and respectfully. When we are satisfied that we have been fully understood we thank our partner for their patience and compassion.

These simple ideas can bring us out of the morass of confusion and into the light of clarity. Communication can be misinterpreted easily. Tone of voice, words with multiple meanings, a look, a sigh, all can turn a discussion into a disagreement. With patience and practice we can learn to have a productive discussion even when we disagree.

As we find our voice and begin to speak our minds, we may encounter disagreements with our partner. Our ability to disagree without being disagreeable will ensure that we keep good will in our relationship. As we do so we increase our self esteem. We practice self care in our daily lives using our tools and practicing compassion. This form of communication is a tool we will use and cherish as we walk our path of recovery.

FEAR: The Controlling Arm Within the Puppet

Image by stuant63 via Flickr

How do fears manifest themselves in our daily lives? How do these fears come to be a part of us? It is possible that we are unaware of how our fears affect our behavior?

We have been involved with our partner for a few months. We feel strong surges of emotion for our new partner. All is proceeding well, or so it seems. In the back of our mind, however, we have a nagging fear that our partner is being unfaithful. There have been no indicators to lead us to believe that this is happening and we have no external reason to feel this way, but we just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. We try to dodge the feelings and ignore them, telling ourself that it is all in our head.

Time passes and our attachment to our partner increases. We feel even more strongly about them than before. However, the sense that we are being duped increases. Our emotions are screaming at us that we are being had, that our partner is being unfaithful.

We can no longer ignore our feelings and begin to query our partner. At first we ask gently if they are happy with us, if there is anyone else in the picture. When we receive the assurance we seek we feel calmed. But the feeling doesn't last. After a few days we again feel the agitation and repeat our query. This time the assurance is followed with a request for an explanation. We are caught off guard and don't know how to respond. We try to make an excuse, but it is clear that we are concealing our true intent. We feel no better this time and begin to believe even more strongly that we are being duped. Our mind reels with the endless possibilities. We are plagued with thoughts we cannot bear.

Over time we try to avoid asking for further reassurances but cannot do so. Our partner becomes irritated with our lack of faith and begins to pull away emotionally. We feel the loss, adding fuel to the fire in our head. Our emotions spin out of control. We cannot tolerate our thoughts or feelings. Soon our partner tires of the endless questions and lack of trust and leaves the relationship. Our beliefs are confirmed. We were wrong to even begin to trust our partner in the first place.

What has happened to us? We have been plagued by fear. We entered into the relationship with the fear that we would be betrayed. In the process we caused the exact thing we feared. It happened as a result of our behavior. Because we had been hurt this way in a prior relationship and we did not allow ourselves to heal from that hurt, we carried it into our next relationship. We did not practice self care and did not allow ourselves the time to heal our wounds. We plunged into another relationship headlong without thinking of the consequences to ourselves. In the process, we set ourselves up to be hurt once again. Although we may initially believe that our partner was unfaithful, eventually we realize what has actually transpired. We chased our partner away.

We allowed our fear to run our life and direct our behavior. We felt powerless over our emotions and let them run rampant, causing havoc in our relationship. As a result of our display, our partner eventually tired of the drama and left the relationship. We created that which we feared. Or to look at it another way, our fear manifested itself in our lives through our behavior.

The importance of this point cannot be stressed enough. If we follow the logic through we can see how fear may manifest itself in other areas of our lives. Our fear of losing money may encourage unstable spending habits, causing us to fall into debt. We may fear gaining weight, thereby increasing our stress level to the point that we eat the wrong foods or eat to relax. Our fear of abandonment may lead us to cling to those we love, causing them to feel suffocated and in the process push them away.

When we enter into recovery we face our fears, acknowledge that they exist and are a part of who we are. We integrate them into our sense of self and allow ourselves the time and space to heal the old wounds that created the fears. We practice self care, work on increasing our self esteem and realize that our fears served us well at one time, but we no longer need them to protect us. We are capable of protecting ourselves. We use our tools and give ourselves the benefit of the doubt as we progress in our recovery, knowing that we will fall from time to time. That's okay. Perfection is not the goal.

How Can I Practice Self Care in My Relationship?

One of the first things we learn in recovery is that we can't control anyone but ourselves. Once we let go of trying to control people, things and outcomes, we have a much better chance at changing the one thing we do have control over... ourselves.

Owning our power, as opposed to giving it to our partner in the form of seeking approval, is one example of self care. We begin to complete our daily activities for our own reasons, to please ourselves, rather than to glean an approving nod or comment from our partner. When we place our partner in the role of judge, we give away our power.

The acronym H.A.L.T.S. is an effective way to remember areas that may provide room for conflict... hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad or scared. These six key areas may be triggers, leading us to use defense mechanisms to ease our discomfort. Recognizing that we are experiencing one of these feelings may be a boost to self understanding. We can practice self care (eat when hungry, take a time out for anger, call a friend if lonely, nap if tired, figure out why we are sad or scared and allow ourselves to be vulnerable by sharing) before we react to our partner, possibly avoiding negative interactions.

Some things in relationships are unchangeable. Basic personality traits of our partner may be something we must learn to accept, whether we are thrilled by all of them or not. For some, gratefulness is a way out. Gratefulness allow us to be aware of the blessings we already have and helps us to focus our attention in those areas. Once we are truly grateful for the blessings we already have in our lives, we are ripe for receiving more. It may help to keep a gratefulness journal where we write down five things for which we are grateful each day before bed. Over time we see that we have a full and wonderful life. This journal can be a great tool to read when we are feeling upset or out of balance and want to center ourselves.

The habit of keeping score is common in relationships. It can create difficulties for many reasons. When we lose sight of our contribution within the grand scheme of things, when we begin to see ourselves as the victim, we have become out of balance. We begin to focus on taking care of ourselves and practice using our tools in our daily lives, we may begin to give up the practice of keeping score. We realize that we are once again trying to control people, things and outcomes. We practice letting go and allowing outcomes to develop naturally along with gratefulness for all that we have been given in this world.

We are on the road to a wonderfully balanced inter-dependent relationship. The kind that brings much joy to partners. We work toward receiving the many blessings that a fulfilling relationship and life together has to offer!

Am I A Victim?

Why does this always happen to me? How come any partner I choose ends up doing the same things to me that the last one did? Why do I find myself in the same relationship over and over again?

What do these three questions have in common? They all allow us to believe that we are the victim. In that role, we give our power away. How did we come to be the victim? What are we getting out of this role? What can we do to over come this pattern in our lives?

We may have come to see ourselves as victims through the lens of co-dependency. During a time in our lives when we lived with dysfunctional people we may have truly been a victim. We may have been a young child incapable of independence who needed our family system to survive. We may have been in an abusive relationship. We may have been genuinely hurt as a result of some past event.

If we didn't realize how we had adapted to survive these experiences, we may have become comfortable in the victim role. We may not realize we are feeling like a victim, but our language gives us away.

We may feel empowered in our capacity as victim. We may be using our role to passively control others and outcomes. In our past we may have needed to rely on our ability to manipulate through victim hood to ensure our survival. Now that we no longer live in that same family system, we have not yet realized how our victim identity has affected our current circumstances. In essence we continue to re-create the same dysfunctional familial dynamic in our new relationship by maintaining our victim status.

Once we realize our pattern and come to grips with the fact that we are no longer victims, we can begin to rebuild our self image and self esteem. It is vital that we let go of the need to control others and outcomes. In doing so we free ourselves from the need to continue our passivity and begin to own our power once again. As we begin to practice self care in our daily lives and use our tools to increase our self esteem, we free ourselves from the bonds of victim hood.

Plants and Pets

A couple of points for consideration: Why might we consider looking for a new relationship? If we were with our partner for many years and are just a few months into the process of adjusting to the end of our relationship, we are still pretty raw.

What if we find a terrific new partner who's former partner passed away and they don't have the baggage we do. We might be too damaged to successfully navigate this new relationship and in the process hurt both ourselves and our new partner. That would be a sad outcome.

We would be better served to take some time for self care, healing some of our wounds prior to trying to find a new partner. It's fairer to both ourself and our potential new partner. neither of us need to get hurt.

It may seem like finding someone new will make us feel better, but it's really likely to be a rebound relationship for us, and possibly not one for our new partner. We don't want to be unfair to another person or ourself.

Let's give ourselves time to heal. The average time it takes to get past the five stages of grief varies, but is generally around two years. During that time we can start with a plant. If the plant lives, after a couple of months get a pet. If the plant and the pet are both still alive after about two years, we are ready to care for a human being.

In the interim we can learn to care for ourselves. We practice our tools in our daily lives, making certain that we treat ourselves with all the empathy and compassion that we deserve. In this way we give ourselves the gift of healing.

Misunderstandings Happen!

Misunderstandings happen in relationships. Although our goal is effective communication, we don't always make it. It is common for us to make inaccurate assumptions about the intentions of our partner when we don't take the time to get all the facts. Very often we will fill in the holes in the story with our own information. When we do that we may be headed for trouble.

How do we avoid this pitfall? Oddly enough, anatomy gives us the answer. We have two ears and one mouth. This indicates that we should listen twice as much as we speak. Truthfully, most of us speak twice as much (or more) as we listen. Practicing active listening is much more than just hearing what is being said to us. Active listening includes focusing our energy on understanding the meaning behind what our partner is saying in addition to the words being said. We refrain from thinking ahead to our next statement, and instead work on paraphrasing what we have understood from our partner both in words and underlying emotional message. This is not our normal pattern of relaxed chatter and may require a great deal of focus until we are more practiced in our approach.

When we have a misunderstanding with our partner our goal is to repair the rift. We do this by taking responsibility for our part. We own our stuff. We do this because we realize that when we own our part, we free our partner to feel compassion and empathy as a result of our vulnerability and humanness. Our partner can then feel free to own their part in the misunderstanding as well, fully sealing the rift. This breaks down the walls of resentment and bitterness and allows us to reconnect emotionally.

Misunderstandings happen. They can create painful episodes between partners leaving behind walls of anger and frustration. It is important to resolve misunderstandings promptly to avoid those feelings of anger and frustration becoming bitterness and resentment.

As we practice our tools in our daily lives we create an atmosphere of warmth and understanding between ourselves and our partner. Feelings of self esteem grow best in relationships where individuality is encouraged, communication is effective and mistakes are tolerated.

Happiness is an Inside Job

Image by ashley rose, via Flickr

How can we be happier persons?

One of the issues we all face during our lives is our dissatisfaction level. Some of us seem to be able to be happy pretty much regardless of our circumstances. Others of us have a hard time being happy even when everything seems to be going well. Why does this happen? What can we do about it?

Happiness is an inside job. When we enter a relationship as a person who is already happy and fulfilled in their lives, we bring ourselves as a gift to the relationship. When we come to a relationship with the expectation that our partner will be the one to make us happy, we are setting ourselves up for failure. No one person outside of us can fulfill us or make us a happy person. That is a task that each of us has to do for themselves.

When we enter into a relationship with our partner with the expectation that they will fulfill us, or make us feel happy when we are not, we are doomed to disappointment. If we are unhappy to begin with, eventually we will become unhappy again if we are not working on ourselves to change that dynamic. When that happens, we may blame our partner for our unhappiness rather than taking it upon ourselves to better our situation. Too many times we may leave the relationship once we feel unhappy, looking for a different partner to fix our happiness level. We will repeat this pattern over and over again, leaving relationship after relationship looking for the one who will finally make us feel fulfilled, when all along it was our responsibility to fulfill ourselves.

We want to bring ourselves as a gift to our relationship with something of value to add to that living dynamic entity. We do not want to be an albatross around our partners neck dragging them down with us into our pool of unhappiness. To that end we work on our recovery. We use our tools in our daily lives to help us overcome our issues and increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of happiness.

New Fox Reality Show - The Blame Game

This year Fox will present a new reality show called the Blame Game. In the past we have had the Newlywed Game and Family Feud. The benefit of the Blame Game is that everyone already knows how to play, since we have all played the home version.

That sounds funny, right? But funny it isn't. The truth is we all have played the blame game over the course of our relationships. We might have felt better in that moment, wagging our pointer finger at our partner and revelling in our righteous indignation, but we accomplished only one thing. We fueled the fires of resentment and bitterness. Since our goal is to improve our relationship with our partner, the reality is that the blame game has no place in our lives. It is a defense mechanism left over from our childhoods.

Children often play the blame game, and play it well. Siblings learn quickly how to escape punishment from caretakers by blaming their antics on one another. Teens blame their rebellion on the difference in privileges between their home and the home of their friends. By the time we reach adulthood it is time to leave the blame game behind.

Partners may blame one another for difficulties in the relationship forgetting that the saying, "It takes two to tango" often applies. In a misunderstanding or disagreement, both parties generally share responsibility whether equally or not. Focusing on coming to an agreement is a more productive path rather than bickering about who was more at fault. In the end, personal responsibility and acknowledgement occur only in an atmosphere of acceptance, flexibility and open communication.

It is important to recall, especially when we are in the midst of a disagreement, that we can disagree but do not have to become disagreeable. Playing the blame game is disagreeable, accomplishes nothing toward the goal of bettering our relationship and builds walls, not bridges.

We all are fallible. If we treat one another with respect we will reap the reward of being respected. We allow our partner the dignity of making mistakes without losing self esteem. This small gift gives our relationship solidity. We do not want to be denigrated when we stumble. We treat our partner the way we wish to be treated when we falter.

We practice tolerance, patience and gentleness in our daily lives. We try to leave everything a little bit better than we find it. As we use our tools and increase our own self esteem we will be better able to give our partner dignity and respect even in the face of disagreement. We practice self care curbing our tendency to react vs respond. In this way we give ourselves the gift of a dignified and respectful relationship.

Who Messed Up Your Hair?

It's the weekend. Some of us may need a laugh more than others. For those of you who have folks in your lives who like to rain on your parade... this one's for you!!

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "Who messed up your hair?"

Misery loves company. When someone else feels miserable they can be cruel with their words. We have a choice... react or respond... We don't have to get down into the gutter with those who find they have nothing better to do than tear us down. We can hold our heads high while we smile and make the choice to walk away.

Our recovery gives us the tools we need to rely on our inner values. We do not need to allow negative people to demean us in order to make themselves feel better. If someone is having a bad day they are allowed to feel their feelings. We can occupy ourselves elsewhere until they feel better.

We consistently apply our tools in our daily lives. We work at recovery because it is our path out of darkness and into the light. As we come across others who have not yet stepped on the path we can show them the way. It is up to them to take that first step.

I Cheated... I'm Sorry... Is That Enough?

These are a selection of comments made to a self admitted cheater who got caught and is now trying to save his relationship. [Details omitted to protect the privacy of those involved.] We can all benefit from reviewing the cost of hurting our partner in this way. Many of us have had difficulties in our relationships. This is clearly not the way to solve problems. Cheating is not a solution, but an additional problem. The overall question is, what does one do to rebuild once the bombshell has dropped? Here are some observations.

"You are clearly intelligent, well spoken and capable of communication. Thus far what I have seen, reflects a man who may be in mid-life crisis. It is not uncommon for folks to face this at about your age. Have you considered this?"
"Due to your intellect you have been able, thus far, to rationalize your actions. This is not a plus. Staying in your head keeps you out of touch with yourself and doesn't allow you to feel the enormity of the situation. Intellectualizing is a defense mechanism. Are you using it?"
"We all have stress in our lives that may at times cause us to feel depressed. How we respond to that stress indicates who we are when no one is looking. Many men at mid life, reacting to the inevitability of aging, begin affairs in order to affirm their virility. Is that what you are doing?"
"You have gone to great lengths to discuss the fact that you are now having open and honest communication with your wife. Please think about the virtue of honesty vs the abuse of that virtue in looking for her to absolve you of your failure to keep your commitment. It seems that you are looking to your wife to cleanse you of your defective behavior. If that is the case, please know that it is not her responsibility to forgive you so that you can feel better. If she chooses forgiveness it is solely for her benefit. Is that what you are doing?"
"You must find your own path to forgiveness with your higher power for your actions. This is difficult and painful as it requires you to accept that you have placed yourself before others in every aspect of your life. You currently believe that you have taken nothing from your family in pursuing this intentional course of action. Please do not deceive yourself in this way. Do you think you are doing that?"
"You will need to accept the fact that you have behaved dysfunctionally and that as a result of your actions you have caused great harm to both your wife and your children. Please don't think they are unaware of what has happened. They may not know details, but they surely know that a bombshell has dropped. You and your wife are seeing a counselor. That is a necessary first step. What about your children? They need counseling as well. Have you taken care of that?"
"You have written that you still have the urge to visit the old ways. This indicates some level of addiction. You will need to address these addictive behaviors directly within an appropriate setting. Are you doing that?"
"There are many unanswered questions. Please take the time to think about them. They are vital to your mental health. Are you willing to do that?"

We work hard to recover from relationship trauma. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We seek a path which we walk one step at a time, sometimes not knowing where we are headed. We reach out to our higher power in faith that we will be better persons for the effort. We humble ourselves in admitting our faults and seeing ourselves as we are. This road that we walk is worth every bit of effort. If we ever doubt the truth of our recovery we can read this post and recall that "there but for the grace of God, go I".