Can I Forgive Myself?

Why is it so much harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others? That is because we hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do other people. Take a moment when all is quiet and listen to our self talk... all the shoulds, the nevers and the always... we wouldn't talk like that to our children, our parents or our friends... but we all talk that way to ourselves.

The hardest part about forgiving ourselves is accepting that we are just like everyone else... we make mistakes, we screw up, we do stupid things that we regret. But because we hold ourselves to a higher standard in our minds, we somehow believe that we are capable of more... and we expect more of ourselves. So when we don't perform up to our own expectations we tend to crucify ourselves.

The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is a part of reality we definately don't like... we aren't perfect, we never will be... we aren't supposed to be... that keeps us humble. When we accept that we are as flawed as others, and we bring that truth into our inner selves as a part of us... then we can begin to forgive ourselves.

Our kids may have been hurt by what they experienced as we made mistakes... mine certainly was... but he learned valuable lessons from me in the process... no one is perfect... not me, not his Dad and not him. He can accept that failure is a part of life and that when we get knocked down we get up and try again. That is an invaluable lesson... painful? Yes. But invaluable.

Our kids will learn that parents are human, they make mistakes and in the process there is pain. But, they will be able to accept that failure is an integral part of life to be expected and overcome with effort. They will see our efforts at rebuilding ourselves and their lives as a positive result.

Making mistakes and learning to forgive ourselves is all a part of being human... and isn't that the whole point?

Have I Become My Mother?

Don't we all have one of those Mom's who give us the crazies when we really just want to reflect and process?

I certainly do. My Mom is a loving caring woman... she is probably one of the nicest people you would ever meet. She literally can kill you with kindness. But... she is tenacious too... she learned a long time ago that if she bugs me enough I will most likely do whatever it is that she wants... to get the bugging to stop... even though it's done so sweetly it almost feels like she's not bugging... and yes, I do love her a great deal. But the bugging... she has a way of instilling this feeling in me that I have failed miserably as a person if I don't do this one thing... whatever it is... whether it's a small thing or huge... it's immaterial... I must comply... and then sweet surrender... and the bugging stops... and I can breathe again. Until the next request!

Ah yes... one more area where I do not want to be like Mom... and yet, as I get older and look in the mirror.... my God... there she is. And I find I am bugging... ~gasp~

Have Another Cookie Sweetie

We are four years old. We have just come home from the playground where a bully has pushed us off the swings and we have scraped our knee. We are crying. Our Mom is sitting with us bandaging our knee. She smiles up at us and says, "It's okay sweetie pie. You're all right." She finishes the bandage and wipes away the tears. She crosses to the cabinet and retrieves a cookie. "Here you go. Have a cookie, you'll feel better." We eat the cookie and moments later feel the rush of energy from the sugar. We don't feel better about the incident with the bully, we haven't even processed what has happened and no one has chosen to talk it over with us. We do, however, feel energized by the sugar. We get up off the chair, receive a hug from Mom and go play. We ignore our feelings, just like Mom.


What have we learned from this experience?

We have learned several lessons. In our four year old mind we think as follows: first; injuries cause us to receive cookies we might not be allowed to eat otherwise. Second, being bullied by another child and the hurt feelings that follow are not discussed. Third, our feelings are unimportant. Four, adults know best what to do and how to react to what is happening to us, therefore we model ourselves after them.

From an adult perspective we have been taught the following: when we are upset, injured, traumatized or uncomfortable we should look for something to ingest to make ourselves feel better, whether a cookie or a pill. Dealing with feelings is difficult, unnecessary and complicated. Processing what has happened to us, which requires the assistance of an adult, is not going to happen. Overall, we are not important enough to be taken seriously and we don't have the voice to express our needs.

As we progress in life we carry this lesson with us. It is a powerful lesson. We may transfer the lesson from cookies to alcohol, prescription drugs or illicit drugs. Regardless of what choice we make we are still using the lesson of the cookie. Rather than facing our feelings or proactively dealing with situations we choose to anesthetize both the feelings and situations.

What happens when we have spent a great deal of our lives anesthetizing ourselves from our feelings? How do we come back to life again? We use our tools, practice self care, work on our recovery increasing our self esteem one day at a time until we once again begin to feel.

Plants and Pets

A couple of points for consideration: Why might we consider looking for a new relationship? If we were with our partner for many years and are just a few months into the process of adjusting to the end of our relationship, we are still pretty raw.

What if we find a terrific new partner who's former partner passed away and they don't have the baggage we do. We might be too damaged to successfully navigate this new relationship and in the process hurt both ourselves and our new partner. That would be a sad outcome.

We would be better served to take some time for self care, healing some of our wounds prior to trying to find a new partner. It's fairer to both ourself and our potential new partner. neither of us need to get hurt.

It may seem like finding someone new will make us feel better, but it's really likely to be a rebound relationship for us, and possibly not one for our new partner. We don't want to be unfair to another person or ourself.

Let's give ourselves time to heal. The average time it takes to get past the five stages of grief varies, but is generally around two years. During that time we can start with a plant. If the plant lives, after a couple of months get a pet. If the plant and the pet are both still alive after about two years, we are ready to care for a human being.

In the interim we can learn to care for ourselves. We practice our tools in our daily lives, making certain that we treat ourselves with all the empathy and compassion that we deserve. In this way we give ourselves the gift of healing.

I Don't Want To Talk About It!! But I DO!!

Men and women process differently. As a result of this, counseling, which is mostly verbal, tends to feed the woman's format more than the man's. This contributes to his hesitance and her willingness. Gaining an understanding of the structure and purpose of counseling may help.

Often times it is the woman in the relationship who want to see a counselor. She has issues she has tried to discuss with her partner on her own, but to no avail. She now wants help in opening up a dialogue with her partner. She may feel emotionally disconnected in the relationship finding the lack of progress extremely frustrating. Her belief may be that a disinterested party will be able to bring the issues to the forefront and begin real movement toward change. For her, talking about issues and hearing herself discuss them aloud gives her the ability to make a decision. She may talk all around the issue, bringing up seemingly unrelated details and scenarios until she feels she has found herself.

Very often her partner has no desire to have a third party involved in the dialogue. It is not unusual for men to feel uncomfortable talking about feelings. They may feel unmanly discussing their relationship issues with a counselor due to the interpretation among many men that seeking help of any kind intimates incompetency. Men tend to feel uncomfortable talking about issues. Their general processing pattern may be to mull over difficulties in their head, come to a decision then share that decision with their partner. Talking through a decision may not be helpful and may actually interfere with their processing pattern. In their growing years men are taught to be independent, not to rely on others for solving their problems and make decisions on their own. Men may believe that counseling goes against these ideals learned from society.

In fact, counseling gives both partners a chance to air their views, feel heard and validated and have a say in the solution to their difficulties. Many times partners have black and white views of their problem. They each see only their side of the issue. Life has many shades of grey. We want solution A and don't want solution B. However we have never even thought of solution C. That is the purpose of counseling, to give a fresh perspective that may spark a new solution.

Many times partners are stuck. They may need just a small prod to get unstuck and back into balance. Counseling may provide just that tiny nudge in the right direction to get partners back on track.

Life As We Are

We see the world not as it us, but as we are.

This is a basic fundamental awareness that has escaped many of us for a good portion of our lives. We are taught from the time we are very small that we experience the world through our five senses accurately. The truth is that the amount of sensory input we receive moment to moment vastly exceeds our capacity to process it. The best we can hope for is a scant overview of our environment. But the real key to the puzzle isn't how much of our input we process, but the filter we use to do that processing.

We develop our processing filter during our everyday lives. We begin when we are young within our family of origin. We absorb the values and ideals of our caretakers as we spend time with them. We observe how they respond to their environment and we mimic that learned behavior until we make it our own. As we grow we add to the base we acquired in childhood. During our adolescence we add much from our external family... our friends.... usually to the displeasure of our caretakers. As we approach adulthood we sort through all the values we have internalized and finally create our filter. Although we have the capacity to revamp that filter as we wish, our general tendency may be to continue to see our lives through it. It has effectively become the base of our belief system.

There are times when we suddenly see our lives without the filter. We experience a paradigm shift. For a brief moment we see ourselves as others may see us. How we internalize that message determines whether we are capable of changing ourselves as a result of that experience. If our self esteem is strong and we feel confident, we may accept this new information readily and adapt. But what if our self esteem is low. We may see the new information as threatening and reject the message, thereby preventing change and growth in ourselves.

This underlies the need for using our tools in our daily lives. As we continue to practice self care we become more adept at using our tools. As we become more and more familiar and comfortable with our tools we integrate them into ourselves, thereby increasing our self esteem. As our self esteem rises we are more able to accept the truth, that our vision of life is not as it is, but as we are. In this way we give ourselves the gift of acceptance.

I Said I'm Fine!!!

Many times a man who is deep in thought may say they are 'fine' in response to their partners query when their body language clearly says otherwise. How do we respond to this dichotomy?

We ultimately call this type of response mixed messages. It can be confusing to a partner who sees one thing (body language) and is told another (verbal message). Although he is technically being dishonest, there are times in relationships when one partner is lost in thought, not focused on the news, processing the events of the day. He may be processing an issue and not be clear enough in his mind to be able to discuss it yet. It may not even be related to his partner.

Many men and women process very differently. Women often process through talk and sharing (outward) whereas men often process through thought and reflection (inward). Many times women attempt closeness and reconnection after being apart from their partners by talking and sharing about their day. They may feel the need to reconnect even more strongly during times when men are distracted by TV or the newspaper. Men, on the other hand, do not reconnect in this same way, thus his answer of "fine" may be his way of getting some mental space to work through the processing of his day. He may not feel it is important to talk about it, not realizing that his partner may feel disconnected by his response.

Women may feel disconnected from their men when partners return to one another after their day and have opposing needs. Men may need to relax and have down time...time to process their day within themselves. Women may need to talk and reconnect. They need to process their day by sharing it with their man. This dichotomy may cause many problems when couples don't realize why they feel differently and misinterpret their partners actions.

Someone asking, "What's the matter?" to a display of body language that says closed (crossed arms) and thinking (wiggling foot) seems to be modeling behavior that says, "I care about you and want to know if you are upset about something." However, the recipient may feel reluctant to discuss a problem or issue that has not been fully thought through, not wanting to seem indecisive or unable to come to a conclusion on their own.

Thus we have a dilemma. If we are able to realize that we are different from our partner we can use our tools to practice self care while we allow our partner to process their day in their own manner. If we need to talk while our partner needs to introspect, we can either wait until he is ready or we can call a friend to chat. If we need to introspect while our partner needs to talk, we can either choose to wait to process our day or ask her to give us some time to relax first. As long as we choose to communicate effectively and respect each others differing needs, we can overcome these obstacles to connection and resume our intimacy without conflict.

Using our tools keeps us grounded in our needs and allows us to recognize that it is our differences that make each of us unique individuals. We can respect each other within the relationship while still being able to meet each others needs when we bend to compromise. In this way we both eventually have the chance to relax and reconnect leading to healthier relating and intimacy.

We practice our tools in our daily lives giving ourselves the gift of self care. In this way we increase the mutual respect in our relationship and allow our partner the freedom to practice self care as well.

Processing Grief

Working through grief is one of the most difficult challenges we face in our lives. When we lose someone we love, whether through death, divorce or simply a relationship that ends, we can feel a great deal of pain and anguish. It may be helpful during grieving to be aware that there is a range of reactions, and that all may be part of the process.

Initially there is a reaction of shock at the severity of the loss. We may embrace denial in the form of, "Why is this happening to me?". Our feelings may be numb or we may not yet fully comprehend the loss itself. Wishing to return to life before the loss is a common response as well. The overwhelming pain has not been fully processed at this stage. Denial is our defense mechanism protecting our psyche from the full brunt of the loss.

Eventually we can no longer deny what has happened. At this point we may begin to feel angry. We may be angry at the person we have lost, angry with our higher power, angry with other loved ones in our lives for their perceived part in the loss. We may remain angry for an extended period of time as we grapple with the seriousness of what has transpired. Anger too is a defense against the overwhelming feelings of loss.

After a time of extended anger we may move into bargaining. We are trying to mitigate the loss. This is a time of rationalizing and trading. If we have lost someone we love we may attempt reconciliation even if it is against our best interest to do so. If someone has passed away we may attempt in vain to bargain with our higher power for their return.

When we have passed the stage of needing our defense mechanisms and are finally faced with the full brunt of our loss we face depression. We may feel incredibly sad, hopeless, numb, filled with despair or even suicidal at times. We are overwhelmed with grief and the loss of both the person, and the dreams and hopes we held onto in the relationship. This is an extremely painful and vulnerable time. We may need help at this juncture to cope with the extent of the loss. It is important that we allow ourselves to grieve and give ourselves time to heal our wounds.

Finally we come to acceptance. We cannot change what has happened. We take the best memories we have and continue with our lives. If we have lost someone we love due to divorce or the ending of a relationship this may be the time we come to terms with the facts. We let go of blame and retribution and begin the process of healing in earnest. If someone has passed away we enjoy the memories we have of the wonderful times we shared while they were on this earth. In this way we keep their memory alive in our hearts and keep them close to us in thought.

The transition from relationship to loss can be overwhelming and painful. We do not have to make the journey alone. There are support groups available at most major hospitals and religious institutions. There is support in counseling and online. Trying to handle grief alone may be overwhelming and lead to isolation and long term depression.

It is common to feel like we may not survive serious loss, but we will begin to feel better. We may find we have mostly sad days initially, but over time we will begin to have better days until finally we have settled into our lives again. With the help of our family, friends, support system and our higher power we will triumph over loss and once again feel a part of life.

Impasse: What To Do Next

What do we do when we come to an impasse in a relationship? How to we decide what to do? Where can we go to find new ideas in a safe non-judgemental environment?

There may be times in our relationships when we cannot find agreement between ourselves and our partner regarding an important issue. When all of our efforts at communication have not brought us closer to resolution, we need a next step. Sometimes we may be unable to see our partners point of view. We may have tried listening, dialogue, taking time to process what our partner has shared, and trying to see the situation through our partners eyes. Both ourselves and our partner may have tried in vain to compromise.

There may be some issues which are important to both ourselves and our partner that resist all our attempts at effective communication and compromise. In these instances we may need a third party to get us unstuck. Even in the best of relationships there may be times when partners cannot find a way to resolve an important issue. There may be hesitance in asking family members for advice because one partner may fear family will takes sides. There may also be concerns regarding privacy due to the nature of the issues.

A counselor may be able to provide a fresh pair of eyes and ears to the situation. In a safe private environment, both parties may be able to air their differences regarding the issue at hand, along with their suggested solutions. Each of us may have an agenda during counseling, however, the overall agenda is to resolve the issue at hand and find a solution acceptable to all parties.

We may wish to have our partner agree to option A. Our partner may want us to agree to option B. Option C occurred to neither of us, but in fact meets both our needs. This is the benefit of getting input from an impartial third party. When we are honest and bring our hearts to the table with a clear agenda of making our relationship work, we will find the answers we seek. Often times partners only need a nudge in the right direction to be able to resolve seemingly unresolvable issues.

When we practice self care in our daily lives and continue to use our tools, we will see our relationships blossom. We may find we get stuck from time to time and seek the advice of our counselor. With consistent practice in using our tools, we increase our self esteem thereby increasing healthy inter-dependence in our relationships.

Tools, Glorious Tools - Part Three

Now that we have begun our journey into recovery on our chosen path, we need a guide to keep us going in the direction we have picked. We do this by using another tool in our arsenal, reading.

The brain is a series of nerve cells passing electrical charges from one to another. The pattern of a path taken by a particular charge represents a thought. The more times we think a particular thought, the stronger the bonds becomes between those nerve cells. Nerve cells actually move closer together when certain thoughts occur frequently to provide faster processing, much like defragmenting a computer hard disk. Nerve cells that may have been dedicated to thoughts that are not accessed frequently, will be reused by the neural net for newer thoughts. As years pass and we think certain thoughts over and over again, we begin to access these familiar neural pathways automatically.

During recovery we review the internal thoughts we process automatically on a daily basis and decide which we will keep and which we will remove. One of the tools we use to help us in our decision making process are books. We read recovery literature to enlarge our perspective and allow us to develop a more appropriate view of our thought processes and the behavior and habits that those thoughts engender. We choose which of our thoughts no longer serve our needs. We may still hear the voices of our family of origin in the background. We have a choice to listen or silence those old tapes playing in our heads.

Reading recovery materials gives us insight into our actions and allows us to become part of a community of people choosing a healthier path. We read recovery stories of others who have walked the road before us. These give us hope that we too can succeed.

Daily reading keeps us grounded in the principles of recovery. We give our brains new material to form into healthy memories. As we learn about ourselves and others through literature, our self esteem increases. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We practice patience, managing expectations, deep breathing, journaling and reading. Through using our tools and practicing self care we learn one of the most valuable lessons of recovery… we are not alone.

Tools, Glorious Tools - Part Two

In our recovery process we practice patience and manage our expectations. We keep in mind that habits developed over many years may take much time to unlearn. We expect to make mistakes, to backslide, to feel regret when we repeat old patterns of behavior that no longer function for our benefit.

We employ many tools in our daily lives to help us cope with the changes we are making in ourselves and the responses we are cultivating to take the place of our old defense mechanisms. We learn that defense mechanisms are automatic and that we have been employing them without even realizing it. This is the core of how we protected ourselves during our childhood. We have relied on these defenses for a long time. Giving them up creates a void. We fill that void with healthy behavior by using our tools.

In working to change this pattern we strive to become more aware of ourselves and our feelings. We may feel overwhelmed initially by the surge of strong emotions and the feelings that follow. It may take time for us to be able to put words to our feelings if we have been reacting on auto pilot for a lengthy period of time. We allow ourselves to begin to experience all our emotions. This can create much discomfort. We will adjust to the newness of it over time. In the interim we use several tools to help us cope.

We learn deep breathing. When we are tense we tend to breathe in a less effective manner. We breathe with our upper chest and take short, quick, shallow breaths. When we focus on our breathing we take longer, slower, deeper breaths that inflate our abdomen and pull air all the way down to the lower part of our lungs. This allows more oxygen into our blood stream and aids in relaxation. We breathe in through our noses, hold briefly for a count of five, then out through our mouths. As we repeat this process we feel a sense of relaxation flow through ourselves. We are adding vital oxygen to our bodies that have been depleted through stress.

Journaling is an important tool in our tool bag. We write out our feelings, thoughts and opinions about present circumstances and persons in our lives. We may include related memories that have caused us pain in the past, recalled as a result of a particular event. This gives us an outlet for our emotions as well as a way to experience more clarity with regard to our feelings. We may be new at processing our emotions. Journaling gives us an edge. We have our journal entries available for review as we progress through recovery. We can look back at a snapshot of ourselves and see our growth.

Having patience with ourselves, managing our expectations of our progress, allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, deep breathing and journaling… these initial tools help us develop increased self esteem as we use them in our daily lives. We give ourselves the gift of recovery as we practice using our tools to gain emotional balance.

Listening to the Sound of Humility

Tonight I watched our new President as he completed his eight day overseas trip. I listened closely as he spoke to the world, taking responsibility for America's part in the current economic crisis, verbalizing the hope that we Americans have for peace in our lifetimes, reaching out to our allies as an equal participant in world affairs, as a nation willing to listen with respect to differing opinions, stating that our country's goal is now a nuclear free world and that we are not and will not be at war with the Islamic people. The last administration built walls between America and the world with demeaning behaviors and caustic remarks. Our previous government behaved as though America's ideals were important and the rest of the world needed to accede to our lifestyle and values. This is a fallacy that had led us into dangerous pseudo relationships with other nations who looked upon America as a bully.

For the first time in many years I am proud, once again, to have our President represent me to the world. I listen to him speak on a range of issues and am impressed with his intelligence and ability to absorb and process great quantities of complex information. I believe that for the first time in my recent adult life we may have a leader who is actually capable of leading our country in the direction the future demands. One of the most important ideas included in our President's statements during these last eight days was that America is no longer going to behave in the same manner. We recognize that the past administration has strained relationships to the breaking point and we are ready to show our better selves to the world.

In our relationships we each have the opportunity to be the leader. There are times when our particular skills are in demand and we can shine. There are times when our partner's skills are needed and we can sit back and enjoy watching, with pride, their moment in the sun. When we love someone deeply we are as thrilled with their aspirations and accomplishments as we are with our own. Their success is tied to our lives through mutual sharing in our relationship. When they feel joy in their achievements we are able to feel joyous along with them. This support that we give and receive is part of the vital flow that enables our relationship to continue to breathe and live.

Why in some relationships is there a lack of support? What happens when one partner is unable to comfort or encourage the other. When a relationship is one sided in any area the scales tip out of balance. Over time this may cause the partner who is not getting fed to feel unappreciated or used and become hostile and angry.

Deposits are being made into the relationship account by one partner and withdrawals are being made by the other. The account becomes seriously overdrawn. In order to correct the problem, steady deposits will need to be made over a sustained period of time by the overdrawn partner to repay the account. A clear understanding of why the situation occurred and the depth of the remedy necessary to repair the damage is critical to avoid unrealistic expectations about the time needed to heal the damage. In beginning to make new deposits the overdrawn partner may expect their mate to be pleased and forgiving quickly. This may not be possible at first as trust rebuilds slowly. Over time, the overdrawn partner may begin to feel unappreciated for these new efforts and become hostile and angry as well.

Hostility and anger can lead one or both partners to begin to build walls within the relationship. Walls are built of bricks composed of bitterness, sarcasm, demeaning remarks and stony silence. When there is a lack of understanding and ineffective communication the relationship is being drained of life. Breathing slows and death may be near. If both partners are willing, life can be replenished. Making a commitment to understanding the underlying problem and learning the necessary skills to repair the damaged relationship is a tall order. It takes a promise of time, effort, patience and a great deal of work by both parties to salvage a severely damaged partnership. Counseling may be necessary for a relationship on the brink of crumbling. There can be hope for a bright future amidst the chaos and confusion if partners are open minded and teachable.

We use our tools in our daily lives to continue to breathe life into our relationship, make our daily deposits and keep life flowing between partners. A healthy partnership is a gift that can never be taken for granted. It is the goal we all yearn to achieve. When we have done the difficult work to obtain such a grand prize we never forget the mountain we climbed to grab the gold ring. We utilize our tools and make certain that we practice self care in our daily lives to protect our most precious asset. In this way we give ourselves and our partner the gift of support.

Self Care in Tough Economic Times

Wall street has raped our economy and now we face the worst recession in decades. The nation pulls together behind our new President to try to keep the recession from becoming a depression. In the process, tens of thousand lose their jobs, their medical coverage, their retirement savings, their homes and their self respect. What do we do if this happens to us?

In the face of serious personal challenges we recognize that we are going to go through a process of grieving. A significant part of our self esteem is tied up in our ability to provide safety and support for ourselves and our families. The five stage grieving process involves steps that integrate the loss we have experienced into our persona. How we take care of ourselves during that process can be the difference between those of us who come out of the challenges whole, and those who don't.

We cannot change the fact that the economy is in the toilet or that we may have lost our job. We can only change how we respond to this dismal situation. Because many of us have families that rely upon us to provide, we may need support at this grave time from other bread winners who are in similar situations. Having a place to go for support cannot be overemphasized when disaster strikes. Although we may continue to look for work and may receive some interim assistance from families, churches, charities or the government, we still must face the internal struggle that accompany such a severe loss. Our self esteem has suffered a blow that cannot be minimized.

At times such as these it is imperative that we use our tools, acquire new tools to help us through these difficult economic times, and ask for help. There is no shame in allowing others to aid us in an emergency. There are support groups forming through employment services, unions, churches and the like. We know in our hearts that we would certainly do the same for another if the situation were reversed. We must keep this in mind as we weather the economic storm.

Growth

When we are very young we absorb our values from our caretakers. We observe how they interact with their world and this becomes the basis for our values later in life. During our teen years we sort through all this collective information. We "try on" different value sets to see how we appear in them. As we go through this process we accept some values and reject others.

During the tumultuous teens we experiment with life. We can be kind, generous and supportive, yet at other times completely self absorbed. We experience the world almost exclusively through our own eyes during this period. We may have momentary flashes of how we appear to others, but we are mostly self engaged.

As we pass from teens to young adults our ability to see ourselves more holistically emerges. We begin to understand the possible consequences of our behaviors and set about modifying ourselves. We see how our actions generate unpleasant consequences as past missteps begin to effect our lives. This is the time when we take steps to correct areas in our lives where we may have gotten off track. We fine tune our values during this period as we morph into adults.

What happens when this process get derailed? When we come from a dysfunctional family of origin our growth process can be stalled. We may find ourselves stuck in patterns more appropriate for a youngster or teen. We may not be aware of what has happened or why we are reacting rather than responding to our environment. We have developed issues somewhere along the way. These issues may cause us to feel emotional pain. If we are stuck in a pattern we wish to change, our first step in the process is recognition. We have seen ourselves through the eyes of another and our paradigm has been altered. We are now able to adjust our behavior through the use of tools. We allow our higher power to lead us onto our path. The way may be rocky, but we are capable. We give ourselves the gift of increased self esteem through the use of tools in our daily lives.

The Process

We begin our journey into recovery by undergoing a process. That process takes us through stages of growth and change. As we move through the various parts we undergo a tremendous paradigm shift. We begin by seeing ourselves through our own myopic view. As we move along our path we come to see ourselves through the eyes of others. It is truly an illuminating experience. One only tackled by the bravest among us.

As we begin our expedition we may see an initial glimpse of how we are perceived by others. Our initial reaction may be one of denial. We may have a great deal of trouble accepting what we have experienced. There may be much shame and fear involved. Our defense mechanisms kick in to protect us from pain.

Over time as we repeatedly see these glimpses of ourselves and our behavior our defense mechanisms may falter and we may not be able to remain in denial at all times. This may produce pain. Our reaction may be to become angry. We may be infuriated at the thought that the world is not as we have perceived it. We may feel duped and shamed by our inability to discern accurately. We may be fearful of further disclosure. Anger protects us from feeling the full impact of our new knowledge.

As our anger subsides we may begin to bargain, with ourselves and others. Our defenses are again protecting us from the full brunt of incorporating our new knowledge. We may rationalize our behaviors, or the behavior of others as acceptable due to extenuating circumstances.

Eventually bargaining no longer protects us from the full impact of how we are perceived by others. We see ourselves for the first time with all our dysfunction. It is a painful moment. We may feel depressed as we process this information. But it is an important moment. We are at the true beginning of our recovery process. It is from this desolate place that we can rebuild into our best self.

We work hard, using our tools, practicing self care, taking three steps forward and two steps back, letting our higher power guide us along our path, coping with disappointment and frustration, having patience with ourselves as we falter. We rage and scream as we fight the changes that must be made for our higher selves to emerge. We may see no improvement for a time and then suddenly we see it... we have responded differently to a situation that previously caused us much consternation. We have changed!! Hope emerges like the sun on a rainy afternoon and we bask in the knowledge that we are succeeding. We have come to a place of acceptance. Our process works, we are secure in the knowledge that despite setbacks we will continue along our path, and our future brightens.