Getting Upset With Your Partner?

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Why do I feel upset when my partner is upset, when I have determined that it has nothing to do with me? Why do I get irritable when my partner is irritable?

We cannot underestimate the intensity of the relationship between partners. Sharing lives involves sharing emotional response and feelings. As partners we seem to pick up the emotions of the other. Why does this occur?

We may have been feeling peaceful and calm when our partner arrived irritable and anxious from a day at the office. Soon we are feeling tense and cranky and unable to determine the cause. We have suddenly changed mood and we are confused. What happened to us?

Within our nervous system exist mirror neurons. These mirror neurons relay a complex grouping of information to our brains including spoken words, tone of voice, body language and minute meta-messages that we are likely unaware we are sending and receiving. This information received by our mirror neurons causes us to release neurotransmitters in our brain creating a copy cat emotional response within us akin to what our partner is experiencing.

How do we determine what feelings belong to us and what feelings are being created within us by our relationship to our partner? Each of us is empathic within close relationships to some degree. We can tell a great deal about how our partner is feeling from tell tale signals they send within their voice and body language. We know when they are upset or angry.

We learn to differentiate when we practice our tools. We learn to respond rather than react when we are confronted with strong emotions. We take a moment to think about how we felt prior to being in the presence of our partner. This brief pause for reflection may give us insight into the origin of the feelings we are attempting to discern. We can then decide to respond rather than react. We may diffuse a potential disagreement by showing compassion for our partners foul mood and allowing them the space to soothe themselves back into balance. This allows our partner to practice self care and keeps us at arms length from the fray.

When partners become aware of how they may be mirroring each others behavior and attitudes they can choose compassion over reaction. Over time through learning to respond rather than react partners may overcome their natural tendency to mirror one another and improve the quality of their relationship.

Intentions: The Lie Behind the Words

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But I didn't mean for that to happen! That's not what I meant! I didn't mean for that to hurt your feelings! You misunderstood what I meant by that!


What do all these statements have in common? They all share one simple truth... intentions make no difference in how we are perceived by others. When we interact with those with whom we are in a relationship on a daily basis, we interpret what is said and done using the lens through which we view the world. We have no way of knowing what motivation our partner may have had when they took an action which affected us. We may think we know our partners intentions, and we may be correct at times, but in actuality we view the world through our own point of view.

How does this affect our relationship? When we talk to our partner we are expressing our thoughts and feelings through our words, actions and meta-messages. Our partner translates what we communicate through their lens. In the process, much may get lost in translation. Our underlying feelings may be communicated through our body language and our tone of voice. Yet, we may be unaware of how we are perceived. When we speak we may intend one message, but actually communicate another.

An excellent example involves our partner completing a chore which we have requested. We attempt to instruct as they work, wanting to achieve a particular result. We believe we are communicating our desire for a particular outcome, however our actions may indicate a belief that our partner may be incompetent to complete the task on their own. This underlying message comes through causing our partner to become annoyed with our interference. Although our intention was clear in our mind, our partner experienced our actions within a completely different frame work... their lens.

We recall that our partner was raised in a different family of origin. Within that family communications patterns developed and were imprinted on our partner as a baby, reinforced as a youth and finally adopted as an adult. Our experiences and communication patterns in our own family of origin were unique to our family. When we communicate with others our natural instincts revert to our original communication patterns. We recall that each individual learned their patterns in their family of origin, making communication more complex.

We may understand our intentions, but those who receive our message glean additional information through our body language and tone. We can compensate for this difference by carefully selecting our words, monitoring our tone of voice for indications of emotional discord and being aware of our own feelings. This is not, however, a panacea. We may still have occasions when our message is misinterpreted or lost. When we reach an impasse we use our tools. Dialogue, an important tool, may help to re-establish effective communication and restore balance to the relationship.

We practice self care making certain that we honor our feelings and communicate as effectively as possible. We use our tools to keep ourselves centered and balanced. In this way we give ourselves the gift of healthy communication skills.

I Said I'm Fine!!!

Many times a man who is deep in thought may say they are 'fine' in response to their partners query when their body language clearly says otherwise. How do we respond to this dichotomy?

We ultimately call this type of response mixed messages. It can be confusing to a partner who sees one thing (body language) and is told another (verbal message). Although he is technically being dishonest, there are times in relationships when one partner is lost in thought, not focused on the news, processing the events of the day. He may be processing an issue and not be clear enough in his mind to be able to discuss it yet. It may not even be related to his partner.

Many men and women process very differently. Women often process through talk and sharing (outward) whereas men often process through thought and reflection (inward). Many times women attempt closeness and reconnection after being apart from their partners by talking and sharing about their day. They may feel the need to reconnect even more strongly during times when men are distracted by TV or the newspaper. Men, on the other hand, do not reconnect in this same way, thus his answer of "fine" may be his way of getting some mental space to work through the processing of his day. He may not feel it is important to talk about it, not realizing that his partner may feel disconnected by his response.

Women may feel disconnected from their men when partners return to one another after their day and have opposing needs. Men may need to relax and have down time...time to process their day within themselves. Women may need to talk and reconnect. They need to process their day by sharing it with their man. This dichotomy may cause many problems when couples don't realize why they feel differently and misinterpret their partners actions.

Someone asking, "What's the matter?" to a display of body language that says closed (crossed arms) and thinking (wiggling foot) seems to be modeling behavior that says, "I care about you and want to know if you are upset about something." However, the recipient may feel reluctant to discuss a problem or issue that has not been fully thought through, not wanting to seem indecisive or unable to come to a conclusion on their own.

Thus we have a dilemma. If we are able to realize that we are different from our partner we can use our tools to practice self care while we allow our partner to process their day in their own manner. If we need to talk while our partner needs to introspect, we can either wait until he is ready or we can call a friend to chat. If we need to introspect while our partner needs to talk, we can either choose to wait to process our day or ask her to give us some time to relax first. As long as we choose to communicate effectively and respect each others differing needs, we can overcome these obstacles to connection and resume our intimacy without conflict.

Using our tools keeps us grounded in our needs and allows us to recognize that it is our differences that make each of us unique individuals. We can respect each other within the relationship while still being able to meet each others needs when we bend to compromise. In this way we both eventually have the chance to relax and reconnect leading to healthier relating and intimacy.

We practice our tools in our daily lives giving ourselves the gift of self care. In this way we increase the mutual respect in our relationship and allow our partner the freedom to practice self care as well.

Confusion Meta-Communication and Mixed Messages

What does the term meta-communication mean? How do meta-messages effect our ability to decipher the information we receive?

Meta is a term from the Greek meaning with, or underneath. In meta-communication, we refer to the additional cues that accompany verbalization in the form of body language, facial expressions and sounds. When we are irritated with our partner we may roll our eyes, sigh, slam doors, tap our foot or purse our lips. When we are pleased with our partner we may smile, leave our arms open or hug. These are all obvious forms of meta-communication. They send meta-messages that speak volumes about our emotions.

In our daily lives we read meta-communication constantly. It comes at us at a furious pace. Most meta-communication is absorbed on a sub conscious level without our ever realizing it. We consciously acknowledge our partner's pleasure in seeing us when they smile upon our arrival, but the additional signals we absorb tell us much more than pleasure. We can sense other emotions as well from their stance, hand use, eye contact, facial expressions and other body language.

When we talk with someone we receive a continuous flow of signals from them regarding how they feel about what they are saying. There are times when we sense that the meta-messages we receive clash with what we are being told. We call these mixed messages. We may be hearing one thing, but our partner's underlying emotions are sending their own meta-messages. Since the two disagree we feel peculiar about what we experience. We might not be able to verbalize what we feel, but something just isn't right. We feel the difference between the verbal communication and the meta-communication and label it a gut feeling.

The way we interpret meta-messages varies based on our own view. Since we are left without direct verbalization, we fill in the blanks ourselves. This creates even more confusion. If we have unresolved issues they can effect what we believe regarding this dichotomy.

An example: One partner decides to visit an auto supply store on the way home from the office in order to pick up parts for the car. Fixing up the car is a hobby enjoyed during free time. When the usual time has passed without a call informing of a late arrival, a worried partner begins to assume that something has gone awry. Thoughts swirl around events from past relationships. Tensions mount. When the two are finally together, accusations fly. One accuses the other of being inconsiderate and not calling to advise of a late arrival. The other accuses of being unable to have time to pursue hobbies and interests. Neither of the partners are revealing the underlying truth.

One partner has fears associated with past relationships where monogamy was not reciprocated. The other has fears associated with a controlling parent who didn't permit free time and expected adult levels of responsibility during childhood. The meta-messages clarify what is not being said in the conversation. One partner could have called on the way from the office to advise of a late arrival. Due to fears of being controlled and not permitted time to pursue hobbies as a child, the call was not made. The other partner made assumptions about behavior based on past wounds that were not applicable to the current relationship.

This argument might have been averted if the underlying truth had been spoken by both parties. Instead of angry accusing words regarding inconsiderate time use, shared fears related to past wounds might have allowed an offer of comfort and reassurance. Instead of justifications regarding behavior meant to avoid being controlled, open discussion might have produced a chance for a realization that hobbies and interests were actually supported.

The meta-communication reveals that these two partners are verbalizing only part of their needs. The underlying messages which effect their thinking patterns are sent in non-verbal ways: angry looks, distancing behaviors, curt responses, tense voices, slammed doors and distrustful glances. Both partners feel the dichotomy in their tensed gut.

Meta-communication allows us to experience the underlying message that may not be shared. We learn to trust our gut feelings realizing that we and our partners are not always aware of the motivation behind our actions. We can increase our understanding of our partner through this realization. As we continue to use our tools for self care in our daily lives, we increase our awareness of our own communication and the meta-messages we send and receive. As we practice self care we increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of effective communication.

Filling in the Blanks

Communication is an art form. The words we use, our body language, whether or not we make eye contact... all these areas add up to our communication. When these areas are in conflict we send mixed messages. This causes the people around us to have trouble understanding our intentions. The words we use may have different meanings to each of us depending on our values, family of origin and life experiences. But our body language speaks for us on an unconscious level.

We may say that we are interested in talking with another, but our arms folded, our legs crossed leaning away from our companion and our body curled up in that same direction, say we do not want to communicate. We may say that our self esteem is healthy, but our reluctance to make eye contact says otherwise.

What do we do when the verbal and non verbal messages we get from another do not mesh? We use our tools. We first assess the situation. How do we feel? Are we centered, calm and open to hearing another point of view? Have we contributed to the discomfort in some way? Are we aware of some issue that may be being processed? If we are truly aware of ourselves and our part in the situation then we will know the answer to these questions. We can be honest with ourselves and trust our instincts. It may be appropriate to give our partner some time to be alone. In that moment we can give ourselves the gift of self care as we permit our partner the same privilege. Once all parties are calm and centered a discussion can take place around the area of communication. Differences can be discussed intellectually rather than emotionally. Compromises can be reached and understanding will flourish. In this way we practice our tools of self care and increase our self esteem.