Confessions, Betrayal and Intimacy

What do I do? My partner has had an affair which ended... has come to me to confess the betrayal... and wants to work through it in counseling to better our relationship.

We get maybe an hour to an hour and a half once a week with the counselor... let us use that time to find out what was missing in our relationship (probably emotional intimacy) that caused our partner to look elsewhere to fulfill unmet emotional needs (btw - emotional intimacy doesn't equal sex).

A fair guess is that either or both of us felt emotionally abandoned at some level long before the affair happened. If that's the case, the way to salvage the relationship and rebuild trust is to begin to give each other what was missing in the first place. People in emotionally satisfying relationships don't get involved in extramarital avenues because they aren't looking. Period. In order to avoid the trap of a repeat of the same problem later on down the line we need to create an emotionally satisfying relationship. Getting tools to accomplish that should be the focus of our counseling sessions.

We may feel that getting our questions answered will lead to figuring out why our partner looked elsewhere... to discover what was missing. But the truth is that unless each of us begins to be vulnerable to one another and risk being known with all our lumps and bumps... emotional intimacy won't be possible. The way to find out what was missing isn't by questioning... it's by being emotionally available and letting the walls down. When we do that our partner feels safe enough to finally be honest and tell us the truth.

That's a scary thing to do after all the hurt and betrayal that has happened... but if we really are serious about wanting to improve our relationship... that is the recipe my friend.

What Kind of Relationship Do I Have?

What kind of relationship do I have? There are different types of attachments that partners tend toward in relationships.

Dependent: partners may become enmeshed within the relationship and with one another, losing their individuality in the process and making their lives smaller. Dependent partners bring little new life to the relationship and may gradually become like a sponge, absorbing energy and vitality from the relationship and giving little in return. Dependent partners may be frightened of individual growth and may try to prevent it within themselves and their partner, thereby suffocating both their partner and the relationship in the process.

Independent: partners may not form attachments properly in independent relationships... they may live separate lives focused mainly on their own pursuits, interests and achievements. The relationship may be for status, financial reasons, or to have the correct partner for social functions. Rarely is there a significant amount of emotional intimacy between the two. The relationship may not foster attachment and may dissolve if one of the partners becomes emotionally involved with another party.

Codependent: the partnership may be unbalanced... with one of the partners needs dominating the relationship and the other partner functioning as one who services the needs of the other. Often times the partner who services feels used and alone, frequently complaining of being ignored, unheard and not validated. The partner being serviced may be completely unaware that there is any problem, as they may tend to be self absorbed. These relationships may eventually become hotbeds of anger and frustration. Partners may burn out due to excessive care taking or a build up of resentment and bitterness.

Interdependent: partners are committed to one another, yet are each others cheerleaders for individual growth and exploration. Individuation is not seen as a threat, but as an expression of growth necessary for both the individuals and the partnership to remain healthy and balanced. Each of the partners brings their individual growth back to the partnership, enriching it in the process. These partnerships may be quite long lasting and healthy, as the partners are encouraged to pursue their own interests and lives adding to the value of the relationship.

What type of relationship do you have?

It's Okay for Me to Have Needs Too?

My partner seems to forget special occasions... I feel badly yet I don't say anything about it. Should I mention it... or is it unimportant? I feel appreciated and loved all the rest of the days... am I being petty? What should I do?

We can be applauded for handling forgetfulness in a classy way. We save our partner from feeling shamed by not making a fuss when an occasion is accidentally forgotten. It is all right to forget occasionally. However, if forgetting becomes a pattern in a relationship, there is generally more going on than just an accidental lapse with regard to a date or event.

It is not uncommon to have a partner who forgets occasions. We all get the same excuses... I forgot... I didn't have time... I was busy with xyz... The truth is that we all have the same twenty four hours each day. What we do with that time is a display of what we value.

We may go through many, many occasions with us being the one to let it go until we realize that we also have needs and that it's okay to ask to have those needs met. Yes, our partner is wonderful and shows love every day in many different ways. If this one way is important to us - and it may be - then why should we discount ourselves? Our partner enjoys receiving recognition on important occasions... why not us too?

After a pattern of forgetting develops, we can have a chat with our partner. We can share that we would prefer a blank card with a picture that means something to us both... something from the heart written inside... rather than an elaborate gift. Remembrances don't have to be expensive or complex... they allow us to feel valued on days that are special to us.

Sharing how important this is to us and being vulnerable, we allow our partner to feel safe enough to share whatever the underlying issue may be. After listening and empathizing, we reassure our partner... whatever efforts they can make... whatever is on their heart... they can feel comfortable acknowledging occasions... knowing that their efforts will be appreciated.

It can work out well for both parties. We can learn to communicate our needs and in the process both we and our partner get validated. When a partner is reluctant to do something simple - like acknowledging an occasion - there is usually a deeper issue at the heart of the resistance. Eventually as partners feel safe with one another, they will share their fears and reluctance, thereby overcoming the obstacles keeping them from intimacy.

Do Selfish People Ever Feel Remorse?

Do selfish people ever really feel remorse? Do they ever realize all the pain and heartache they have caused with their choices?

By definition of the term... selfish person... no... because truly selfish people only think about themselves and not others. But in real life people aren't dictionary definitions. We aren't black and white, but shades of grey.

The underlying question is... does this person think only about themselves and their needs and wants all the time?

In reality we all may go through a period of selfishness... or a time when our actions appear selfish. If we are making excuses, then we are already feeling remorse, as evidenced by the great amount of energy expended in rationalizing our behaviors. We may or may not be willing to talk about our feelings of remorse, but that doesn't mean we don't have them. We may instead focus on denial (of our remorseful feelings) or blame (it's all your fault that this happened and now we feel badly because of you).

Another way to consider it might be... remorse may not necessarily be a feeling with regard to another person, but a feeling regarding an action performed. We may think about ourselves and our needs and wants, but not think highly of ourselves with regard to the choices we have made.

No matter who we are, eventually we reaches a point where our selfish actions overcome any lack of conscience or rationalization mustered. Something happens that will be the straw... that will hit like a bomb shell... and suddenly we are exposed to the truth. It is a moment of great pain. Some folks retreat into denial and blame at that time... some begin to process their actions and make amends. Each person is unique and their reactions and feelings are unique as well.

Yet it can be the beginning of personal growth. We finally see ourselves as we are, not as we wish to be. The blanket of denial is thrown off and we can no longer pretend. The pain may be acute... but the end result is that we become a more aware, balanced person. Capable of forgiveness, compassion and accountability... and isn't that the most important piece of all?

HANDBOOK FOR 2010

HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of clean fresh water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.
10.Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk... smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey entails.
12. Don't invest in negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Live in the present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep within your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you truly need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of mistakes.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Smile and laugh more.
23. You don't have to win every argument. Learn to agree to disagree.

Society:
24. Call your family often.
25. Be charitable... each day give something to others.
26. Forgive easily and anger slowly.
27. Spend time with people over 70 & under 6 whenever you can.
28. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
29. What other people think of you is less important than what you think of yourself.
30. Your job won't care for you when you are sick or lonely. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
31. Do the right thing!
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, meaningful or joyful.
33. Our higher power heals everything.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, shower, get dressed and show up.
36. The best is yet to come.
37. When you awake alive in the morning, be grateful.
38. Your inner being strives to be happy. So, be happy.
39. Share your vision with others.
40. And finally... Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Challenges are part of the curriculum but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

Where's Your National Pride?

Today was a milestone. Our President, Barack Obama, was awarded the Noble Peace Prize for his teams work in their efforts to reshape the global attitude toward stopping terrorism and striving for a nuclear free world. It was the first time in many years that I was able to be proud, once again, to be an American.

Please don't misunderstand, I have always been proud of my citizenship of our country, but these last years have been quite embarrassing for America in several areas. We have tortured prisioners against the Geneva Convention, of which we are signers. We have invaded another country without proper cause, and in the process lost sight of our real goal in the mid east. We have increased the income of the top 1% earners in our country at the expense of the poor and middle class. We have gone from a budget surplus to a multi trillion dollar deficit. We have become the worlds largest international debtor. We have allowed in exess of 44 million of our countrymen to be without health insurance, directly contributing over 40,000 of them dieing each year.

It is horrifying, to say the least, to see what has happened in our country. The place that was supposed to be one of the best places on earth... where people could live decent respectable lives without having to work themselves to death... "...life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness..."

What happened? How did we go from that ideal to being slaves to giant, multi-national corporations? Theives that run our banks... that are now "too big to fail" taking huge bonuses with the public's money? Investment institutions that make up new types of gambling style investments that rape those who get sucked into buying them? While being regulated by no one?

Finally, the public being enslaven by the health care industry... specifically the insurance cartel... the one that charges a fortune, pays it's executives in the neighborhood of $57,000 an hour and denies coverge for whatever they deem a pre-existing condition or an unnecessary procedure? Who made up these rules and put them into a health insurance policy? What happened to those who regulate the insurance industry? Were they asleep at the switch?

Isn't the purpose of heath insurance to insure that we can affort to get health care... especially when we need it the most... when we are sick? How is anyone supposed to heal when they are worrying about how to pay the bills that are sure to arrive even when they have health insurance? Or worse yet... can't see a doctor because they don't have health insurance and can't afford to buy it!

What happened to our country? How did we end up with radio and television talk show hosts making policy in Washington by exaggerating, spewing lies and filling up the airwaves with garbage in a 24 hour news cycle? These people are interested in one thing... ratings... why? because ratings effectively line their pockets... they say so themselves!!

How did we end up with a Congress that doesn't have term limits? Who can take campaign funds from whomever they please, vote however they please... oftentimes not in line with their constituents, but with their donors... and still get re-elected. How did we end up with politicians who are totally out of touch with the American public, who rely on skewed polls instead of finding out by asking the people they were elected to represent... the American people... what they want.

It is too easy to yell and scream at phoney Town Hall meetings. It's too easy to sit on the sidelines and pass judgement about what others may or may not think and feel. It is too easy to do nothing except talk about one's opinion... as though talking about it has any effect... it doesn't. We can all argue and talk until we are blue in the face, but if we don't get up off our couches and DO something, nothing will change.

There are things we can do. We can pick up the phone and call our Congressional Representatives and Senators. We can write a letter or send an email to those same folks letting them know what we want and how we feel about the issues upon which they will vote, and about what we think of them taking campaign funds from lobbyists who are lobbying against our best interests... the American people.

We can all band together and ask for a national referendum imposing term limits on Congress. We desperately need to break the pattern of insulated out of touch behavior in Washington. Two terms is enough. Congress will never vote themselves term limits... they won't vote themselves out of a job. Congress would be much healthier if they only served a maximum of two terms... like so many other elected officials we would get a chance for change. The effectiveness of lobbying would be lessened to a degree that might make governing the actual priority of our Senators and Congressional Representatives. Wouldn't that be change we can believe in?

Let us take action. There are issues before Congress this year that will impact our lives for generations to come... health care... environmental protection... the war in Afghanistan and Iraq... ending Don't Ask Don't Tell... balancing the budget and ending our dependence on foreign investment... investing in renewable energy... breaking the barriers between politics and governing...

We have a job to do. We each count. We each need to act to make a difference. It is never too late to become part of our country and make our voices heard. The time for allowing the media to set the standards in Washington is over. Nature abhors a vacuum. Let us not leave a vacuum. Let our voices be heard, whether we agree or not is unimportant, just as long as we speak our minds... we are all vital. We are all guaranteed free speech by the Bill of Rights. Let us exercise our right to be heard!!

Parents, Step Parents and Children's Needs

Children need two parents in their lives, whether they are married to one another or not. They also need stability and routine to help them feel grounded, keep their world orderly and allow them to feel safe. There is much psychological evidence to support those facts. Some parents may forget at times that our children are developing and have different needs than we do as adults.

Step parents often have a difficult time adjusting to the fact that their role is limited. They may want to impress their new partner with their ability to handle the kids, or make a new home, or make their new partner feel like they are a family. None of this is relevant because none of it is actually about what is best for the kids.

Step parents do have a role, which is best described as making a safe place for kids to live or visit (whichever is appropriate), and being a support to the rules set down by the biological parents. If the step parent and the biological parents can work out at way to effectively cooperate this is actually the best situation for the kids. In that case there is little friction and the kids needs are put first. Many times, however, this does not happen and parents must choose how to manage their personal lives and their children's lives effectively.

Children's lives need routine, stability, safety and certainty. They need to know that both Mom and Dad still love them and will make time with them a priority. They need to see their biological parent alone some of the time to feel valued and important. Parents also need time to be adults and bond with their new partner. It may not be appropriate for parents to share time with their new partner when the kids are present soon after a split.

Studies have shown that kids should be given time to grieve the loss of the family unit without being expected to form any new bonds. This can take time - each child is different, but up to two years or more can be needed for some children. Even then, the introduction of a new partner for a parent is wrenching for a child because it underlines the fact that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together - the dream for which the child secretly hopes.

Parents are not expected to put their adult lives on hold for their children indefinitely, however, it is reasonable for parents to keep their adult lives separate from the lives they lead with their children for as long as possible to give their children a chance to heal. Remember, children have no say in divorce, they cannot get what they really want... Mom and Dad back together again in a happy family. Since they can't get what they want, is it really so hard for us adults to give them the time to heal from their grief by giving them what they need? Security, safety, stability, boundaries, love, attention and the feeling of being valued as a person.

Children will make relationships with their step parents in their own time and in their own way. They only have one set of biological parents in their lives, but they have the opportunity to be loved by many more people as time passes. No one will ever be Mom or Dad but Mom and Dad in a child's heart... period. But that doesn't mean that step parents can't be loved and valued for their ability to be a trusted friend or companion.

Making roles an issue over which to fight is a waste of time. No one will take the place of Mom or Dad in any child's heart. How many times have counselors watched an adult in their 60's sob as they talk about the love the wished they could have received from a deceased parent...

Let us have faith in ourselves and our relationship with our children. They need us and want us in their lives. They love us with all their hearts. Let us be there for them. Let us give them the love we were denied as a child. Let us give them what we were never able to receive. Let us be the one to break the chain of pain.

We are all well loved. Let's share that gift with our kids.

An Inside Job

When we begin our journey into recovery our lives may have become very small as a result of the dysfunction within which we live. In order to please others we may have given up much of our interests, hobbies, friends or acquaintances. Some of us may have given up careers to raise a family or to be a homemaker. With all we have relinquished we may come to the table empty, feeling as though we are a vessel from which all has been poured.

Sooner or later each of us comes to a point in our lives when we finally discover that happiness is an inside job. We realize that no one can make us happy except ourselves. If we have spent many years attending to the needs and happiness of others, we may suddenly discover we feel vacuous. Developing ourself is our responsibility. Finding hobbies we enjoy and friends to fill our life are good beginnings. We would err to expect our partner or family to be our all. We need friends and personal growth to complete us as individuals. Our partner can certainly be our best friend, but not our only friend.

We think of ourselves like a gear with teeth sticking out in all directions. Each tooth represents one aspect of our life. One tooth may be our partner, one our children, one our extended family, one our friendships, one our career, one tooth for each of our hobbies, one for our love of the theatre, and so on. In this way the gear is representative of a fulfilling life. It is our mission in life to fill each tooth with something of meaning to us, thereby adding value to our lives. If we are diligent we will have a life filled with joy and meaning as accomplished by our own hand. What more could we ask for?

How Controlling Am I?

So many times we find excellent material for our growth in the work of others. Here is a piece that gives us a sense of where we fall as regards our recovery journey. Take the quiz thinking of feelings and attitudes today, then think back to past feelings prior to beginning recovery work and notice the difference. Becoming aware of our growth and allowing ourselves to enjoy how far we have come is a vital part of recovery. We may find areas requiring more work. That's healthy self awareness giving us the focus we need to continue on our journey.

This quiz and commentary was adapted from Deepak Chopra MD's book Ageless Body, Timeless Mind.

How much resistance are you in now? Our psychological defenses are extremely good at hiding this from us; by definition, stored-up emotions are the ones we can’t feel. However, resistance gives rise to a telltale behavior pattern—control. Having to be in control is a compulsion rooted in fear and threat.

Give yourself a point for each statement that applies to you frequently, most of the time, or almost always. Some of the statements do not sound very flattering, but try to be as candid and honest about yourself as you can.

1. I like to be in control of work situations and am much happier working alone than with others.

2. When I’m under pressure, the easiest emotion for me to show is anger or irritability.

3. I rarely tell anyone that I need them.

4. I tend to harbor old hurts. Rather than telling someone that he hurt me, I would rather fantasize about getting even.

5. I have quite a few resentments about the way my brothers and sisters relate to me.

6. The more money I spend on someone, the more that means I love them.

7. I keep to myself how unfairly others treat me.

8. If a relationship starts to go bad, I secretly wish I could take back everything I bought for that person.

9. If it’s my house, the people in it should follow my rules.

10. I find it hard to admit being vulnerable. I don’t often say “I’m wrong” and mean it.

11. It’s better to nurse my wounds than to show someone that I’m weak.

12. I’m a better talker than listener.

13. What I have to say is usually important.

14. I secretly think others don’t take my opinions as seriously as they should.

15. I have a pretty good sense of what’s good for people.

16. At least once in my life I got caught opening someone else’s mail.

17. People have called me cynical or negative.

18. I have high standards, which others sometimes mistake for criticism.

19. I tend to be a perfectionist. It bothers me to let a sloppy job go out.

20. I feel uncomfortable if someone gets too close to me emotionally.

21. After a relationship breaks up, I look back and think I was mostly right.

22. I’m neat and orderly. I like my way of doing things and find it hard to live with someone who is sloppy.

23. I’m good at scheduling my day and put a high value on punctuality.

24. I’m good at caring for other people’s needs, but then I get disappointed when they don’t think as much about mine.

25. I have a logical explanation for the way I act, even if others can’t always accept it.

26. I don’t care that much if other people don’t like me.

27. In my opinion, most people don’t usually express their true motives for the way they behave.

28. I’m not good at handling noisy or rambunctious children.

29. I still blame my parents for a lot of my problems, but I haven’t told them so.

30. When I get into an argument with my spouse or lover, I can’t resist bringing up old grievances.

0-10 points

Your personality isn’t dominated by an excessive need to be in control. You are likely to be comfortable with your feelings and tolerant of other people. You realize that you are imperfect, therefore you understand the failings of others. It is easy for you to let events take their own course, and surprises don’t throw you off balance. You probably place a high value on spontaneity and the expression of emotions.

10-20 points

Being in control is a frequent issue with you. You have more fears and hurt feelings than you let on, but you don’t work hard to resolve these feelings. Being in charge isn’t necessarily that important to you, but having your way usually is. You consider yourself organized and efficient, yet it isn’t a major event if things get a little out of control. You have found someone whom you can be honest and open with, but there are limits to how much you can safely say or do, even with that person.

Over 20 points

You are a controlling person. You feel that control is necessary because people hurt your feelings a lot, and your memory of this goes back into your painful childhood. To keep from being hurt more, you try to control your feelings, which basically means you are very selective about revealing yourself to others. Your overriding need to be in charge or to have things your way drives people away from you, despite the fact that you work very hard to take care of their needs. The only emotion you show easily is anger or irritability. You constantly explain your motives and give reasons for why you are the way you are, but somehow this doesn’t help you get you what you want, which is other people’s love and affection.

Have Another Cookie Sweetie

We are four years old. We have just come home from the playground where a bully has pushed us off the swings and we have scraped our knee. We are crying. Our Mom is sitting with us bandaging our knee. She smiles up at us and says, "It's okay sweetie pie. You're all right." She finishes the bandage and wipes away the tears. She crosses to the cabinet and retrieves a cookie. "Here you go. Have a cookie, you'll feel better." We eat the cookie and moments later feel the rush of energy from the sugar. We don't feel better about the incident with the bully, we haven't even processed what has happened and no one has chosen to talk it over with us. We do, however, feel energized by the sugar. We get up off the chair, receive a hug from Mom and go play. We ignore our feelings, just like Mom.


What have we learned from this experience?

We have learned several lessons. In our four year old mind we think as follows: first; injuries cause us to receive cookies we might not be allowed to eat otherwise. Second, being bullied by another child and the hurt feelings that follow are not discussed. Third, our feelings are unimportant. Four, adults know best what to do and how to react to what is happening to us, therefore we model ourselves after them.

From an adult perspective we have been taught the following: when we are upset, injured, traumatized or uncomfortable we should look for something to ingest to make ourselves feel better, whether a cookie or a pill. Dealing with feelings is difficult, unnecessary and complicated. Processing what has happened to us, which requires the assistance of an adult, is not going to happen. Overall, we are not important enough to be taken seriously and we don't have the voice to express our needs.

As we progress in life we carry this lesson with us. It is a powerful lesson. We may transfer the lesson from cookies to alcohol, prescription drugs or illicit drugs. Regardless of what choice we make we are still using the lesson of the cookie. Rather than facing our feelings or proactively dealing with situations we choose to anesthetize both the feelings and situations.

What happens when we have spent a great deal of our lives anesthetizing ourselves from our feelings? How do we come back to life again? We use our tools, practice self care, work on our recovery increasing our self esteem one day at a time until we once again begin to feel.

Health Care Reform or Just Posturing

It is a fact that almost 80% of the nation wants health care reform. Yet our senators and representatives in congress are busy fussing and fighting over partisan nonsense instead of buckling down and doing the work required to hammer out an excellent package. There are brilliant minds available with excellent ideas willing to help with the work.

We as a nation desperately need and want health care reform. It is a shame that our President has to go to the public to garner support for a bill that should not need any more support. Our congressional leaders have forgotten that their jobs is to work for us. It is apparent that the congressional agenda is NOT to take care of it's constituents, but to amass more seats in congress. For my part, this is narcissism, not governing.

I propose a national referendum that places term limits on congressional seats in both the house and senate. Neither of these bodies will pass the law themselves - and put themselves out of a job - but it must be done. We have term limits on many other government jobs and need it desperately in congress where the largest problem we face is cronyism and lobbyists. How can the nation expect congress to do their jobs properly when they are constantly thinking about running for re-election?

I Said I'm Fine!!!

Many times a man who is deep in thought may say they are 'fine' in response to their partners query when their body language clearly says otherwise. How do we respond to this dichotomy?

We ultimately call this type of response mixed messages. It can be confusing to a partner who sees one thing (body language) and is told another (verbal message). Although he is technically being dishonest, there are times in relationships when one partner is lost in thought, not focused on the news, processing the events of the day. He may be processing an issue and not be clear enough in his mind to be able to discuss it yet. It may not even be related to his partner.

Many men and women process very differently. Women often process through talk and sharing (outward) whereas men often process through thought and reflection (inward). Many times women attempt closeness and reconnection after being apart from their partners by talking and sharing about their day. They may feel the need to reconnect even more strongly during times when men are distracted by TV or the newspaper. Men, on the other hand, do not reconnect in this same way, thus his answer of "fine" may be his way of getting some mental space to work through the processing of his day. He may not feel it is important to talk about it, not realizing that his partner may feel disconnected by his response.

Women may feel disconnected from their men when partners return to one another after their day and have opposing needs. Men may need to relax and have down time...time to process their day within themselves. Women may need to talk and reconnect. They need to process their day by sharing it with their man. This dichotomy may cause many problems when couples don't realize why they feel differently and misinterpret their partners actions.

Someone asking, "What's the matter?" to a display of body language that says closed (crossed arms) and thinking (wiggling foot) seems to be modeling behavior that says, "I care about you and want to know if you are upset about something." However, the recipient may feel reluctant to discuss a problem or issue that has not been fully thought through, not wanting to seem indecisive or unable to come to a conclusion on their own.

Thus we have a dilemma. If we are able to realize that we are different from our partner we can use our tools to practice self care while we allow our partner to process their day in their own manner. If we need to talk while our partner needs to introspect, we can either wait until he is ready or we can call a friend to chat. If we need to introspect while our partner needs to talk, we can either choose to wait to process our day or ask her to give us some time to relax first. As long as we choose to communicate effectively and respect each others differing needs, we can overcome these obstacles to connection and resume our intimacy without conflict.

Using our tools keeps us grounded in our needs and allows us to recognize that it is our differences that make each of us unique individuals. We can respect each other within the relationship while still being able to meet each others needs when we bend to compromise. In this way we both eventually have the chance to relax and reconnect leading to healthier relating and intimacy.

We practice our tools in our daily lives giving ourselves the gift of self care. In this way we increase the mutual respect in our relationship and allow our partner the freedom to practice self care as well.

What Kind of Relationship Style Do I Have?

There are many varied styles of relationships. There are dependent, co-dependent, independent and inter-dependent. It is likely that whatever style of relationship we generally adopt with our partner, will be our style with all those with whom we associate. This information may be particularly helpful to us if we see the same type of difficulties surfacing in many of our relationships.

Dependent relationships may take place when one partner's investment in the relationship becomes extreme. This may lead to feelings of an inability to live without the other party. The over investor feels consumed by the relationship and may lose their individual identity. In this process, the relationship suffers as the over invested partner brings little back to the relationship. They are putting all their energy into only the relationship, and not living their own independent life.

Co-dependent relationships may happen when one partners needs consume the relationship causing the other party to constantly be in the position of supporter. This imbalance causes the partners to adopt roles in the relationship: caretaker, victim, persecutor. In this model, the relationship dwindles as the parties cannot be themselves. They must live within defined roles which may feel suffocating and stifle intimacy.

Independent relationships may occur when one of the partners fails to make a personal investment in the relationship due to excessive self interest. This precludes the development of intimacy. The uninvested party does not value the relationship and therefore creates imbalance through neglect. This may eventually leave the other partner feeling emotionally abandoned.

Inter-dependent relationships come about when two partners are willing to invest, commit, communicate, permit personal growth, support one another, and create balance. No one parties needs dominate the relationship. There is personal investment creating intimacy. Each partner has their own independent identity as well as an identity as party to the relationship.

It is likely that we have a blend of styles which identify our relationship pattern. We probably lean toward one overall style, but have some characteristics of others as a part of our overall relational style. Finding out how we interact with others, especially in intimate relationships, helps us understand ourselves and the reasons behind our interactions.

If we find we are not as inter-dependent as we had hoped, we can make positive changes toward that end. We can work on being more independent within our own lives, allowing us to bring more back to the relationship. We can focus on having a healthier balance between need and support if we find we are out of kilter. We can use the information we glean to better understand ourselves and our partners. This understanding can bring about increased intimacy as well as increased personal independence, resulting in our goal of inter-dependence.