Help... I Have Made A Terrible Mistake

What happens if we leave our partner during mid life crisis only to find we made a terrible mistake?

There have been many of us who leave a long standing relationship (not always for another partner, some just for space) during mid life only to regret the decision when we realize the impact on our lives. Some of us have been fortunate enough to have sought counseling and been able to repair the rift before divorce became the only answer. Others have not been so lucky.

Looking outside ourselves for answers doesn't work. Happy isn't out there somewhere... happy is an inside job. If we aren't happy with our lives when we hit midlife it's time to reassess... not immediately look for an escape route. The level of maturity we have when midlife arrives determines how we handle it. Immature, coddled, self centered adults act out. Mature grown ups communicate.

It may be difficult or frightening to share our disappointments with our partner... but if we think clearly we will realize that they must have their own lost dreams to deal with as well. We are not the only one in the relationship. Acknowledging our limitations... becoming vulnerable... allowing ourselves to re-experience emotional intimacy... these are all paths back to wholeness.

We may have spent many years building walls instead of bridges. Our expectations must be realistic. We cannot undo what has taken years to create in a short time. Patience... hard work... honest self exploration and gentle sharing all work together to create the environment necessary to reinvent our relationship.

Confessions, Betrayal and Intimacy

What do I do? My partner has had an affair which ended... has come to me to confess the betrayal... and wants to work through it in counseling to better our relationship.

We get maybe an hour to an hour and a half once a week with the counselor... let us use that time to find out what was missing in our relationship (probably emotional intimacy) that caused our partner to look elsewhere to fulfill unmet emotional needs (btw - emotional intimacy doesn't equal sex).

A fair guess is that either or both of us felt emotionally abandoned at some level long before the affair happened. If that's the case, the way to salvage the relationship and rebuild trust is to begin to give each other what was missing in the first place. People in emotionally satisfying relationships don't get involved in extramarital avenues because they aren't looking. Period. In order to avoid the trap of a repeat of the same problem later on down the line we need to create an emotionally satisfying relationship. Getting tools to accomplish that should be the focus of our counseling sessions.

We may feel that getting our questions answered will lead to figuring out why our partner looked elsewhere... to discover what was missing. But the truth is that unless each of us begins to be vulnerable to one another and risk being known with all our lumps and bumps... emotional intimacy won't be possible. The way to find out what was missing isn't by questioning... it's by being emotionally available and letting the walls down. When we do that our partner feels safe enough to finally be honest and tell us the truth.

That's a scary thing to do after all the hurt and betrayal that has happened... but if we really are serious about wanting to improve our relationship... that is the recipe my friend.

Taking Poison - Resentment & Bitterness

How do we cope with angry feelings in our partnership? What can we do to keep those angry feelings from becoming resentment or bitterness?

After reading a thoughtfully written quote it occurred that resentment and bitterness are one of the most important topics in relationships. The quote basically said, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

What a concept... we want to be compassionate in our relationships. We want to be loving and filled with warmth. But what happens when our trust is violated in some way and we feel the sting of betrayal. How do we cope with our feelings without becoming bitter and resentful?

One of our most basic tools is counseling. We must choose to avail ourselves of assistance when we face a situation that we cannot handle with the tools we currently possess. We may need a safe place to express our anger... to work through our feelings... so that we don't poison our relationship. If our partner has betrayed us in some way we have a choice to make. Is this betrayal a deal breaker? Or do we and our partner want to salvage the relationship?

Contrary to what others in our lives may believe there is no right answer for this question. Each partnership is unique. What works for one may not work for another. Partners must decide how much of a commitment they have made to the relationship and what they are willing to do to work through the issues that present themselves. For some, betrayal of any kind is more than they are willing to forgive. For others there is compassion and forgiveness. Neither are right... just different.

When we arrive at a decision with our partner and the help of a counselor, giving our best efforts to the situation is imperative. Anger is an appropriate emotion following betrayal. It requires a safe environment in which to be expressed. Once the anger has been fully explored and the underlying issues revealed healing can begin.

Avoiding resentment and bitterness may take a great deal of effort, but in the long run it is worth the work... our relationship and our health depend upon it.

$9 Million Awarded to Betrayed Partner From Paramour

Is it an effective remedy to award monetary damages from the paramour to the betrayed partner?

People betray others in relationships. This is a fact that is not new to mankind. Betrayal is not limited to adultery... there are plenty of ways to betray one's partner. This particular monetary award is about adultery.

When we seek out counseling we almost never talk about our own involvement in the betrayal. We are obsessed with blame and anguish. It is expected and understandable... we are suffering with extreme levels of pain and loss.

As time passes and the hurt begins to heal, our ability to see our own piece in the puzzle, no matter how tiny, begins to clarify. It is at this point that we start to have the ability to let go of the pain and loss and true healing can begin.

What happens when we never let go of the pain and loss? We stay angry. Over time that anger hardens into bitterness and resentment. Bitter resentful people don't move on from living in the past. We don't enjoy the present because we are too busy embracing our righteous path of constantly remembering how we were wronged.

One who pursues this type of monetary reward is still living with their focus in the past. There may be a real need for funds... that is not the issue. There are many ways to get the funds that have been awarded and not paid via family court routes. This award is about punishment and retribution.

My question is... when this case is over and the betrayed partner has collected whatever they get of the $9 Million...
Will they then live in the present?
Will they then feel happy?
Will they then be a whole person?

I think not... they will still feel the bitterness and resentment that they have chosen to focus on for so long... because money can't fix that.

Money is a tool. It can be used for constructive or destructive purposes.
It has no intrinsic value of it's own.

Questions and Answers on Relationships

We worked through a lot of issues... Please explain... what issues have you worked through? Were they the same issues you have now? If that is so, then maybe you haven't worked through these issues.

We have no intimacy... What does intimacy mean to you? Intimacy doesn't mean sexual or physical gratification. Intimacy means allowing another person to get to know you without all the masks, roles and pretense most of us use to protect ourselves. Has your partner tried to get to know you? Have you allowed them in?

There's no passion... What is lacking here, sexual passion? Was there ever any? Is this a problem of different libidos or a problem of sexual attraction?

I'm just so worried I'm making a mistake... Maybe we are making a mistake. We have tried couples counseling for some time with little to show for it. Have we considered going to individual counseling first to sort out our own issues before we try to fix our partner? One of the first things we all learn is that if we expect our relationship to get better we have to stop trying to fix and change our partner and work on changing ourselves. Once we have worked through our own issues then we are ready to try couples work and improve our relationship. The cart before the horse rarely produces results.

I'm so bitter from the lack of love being shown me and the way I'm made to feel, like I have to beg for love... Once we become embittered and lose our ability to be compassionate toward our partner we are doing to them exactly what we feel they are doing to us. It becomes a self fulfilling cycle of victimization and punishment. We move from being the victim (such a comfy role) to being the punisher (the angry role) and build walls keeping each other out.

Nothing changes and I'm tired of hoping it will - when it seems apparent it won't... even if we could make each other happy it seems it would be both of us somehow being something were not, it would always be fake...This is the saddest comment of all... anticipating that even if our partner does change, we would still be unhappy because it wouldn't be spontaneous. The best relationships are those where both partners make a conscious decision to do the work necessary to make intimacy and passion happen. They often don't happen on their own when partners are tuckered out from working so hard and helping around the house. Partners may begin to get lazy. Instead of trying to make things better with action and effort they may resort to the lazy way of fixing things... complaining... pointing fingers... blaming... It is much harder to do the work of making the effort than it is to blame our partner. Sadly when our partner makes an effort, often we are so angry and bitter that we don't give our partner the appreciation they need to feed that effort. So, after a couple of weeks of trying and not really getting the feedback they need... they give up. No relationship stays static. It is always changing, hopefully growing, and always needs maintenance and care or it dies. How would you feel if you failed and your partner didn't give you another chance to make it right?

I love my partner, but I cant take the pain... Love isn't a feeling. Love is an action verb... it is a word that indicates a willingness to put the person we love before ourselves. Love is patient, kind, gentle, appreciative, humble, giving... when we love we allow them to fail and try again.

Lying, Insecurity and Alcoholism

When faced with a situation where our partner feels insecure or unsure they lie. We have discovered that their parent(s) were alcoholics. What happens to us when we are raised in an environment where one or both of our caretakers are alcoholics? Is this an underlying reason for their habit of lying?

There is a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that is a 12 Step Program based on the principles of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that has a great deal of information about behavior patterns in adult children. This is the place to begin our journey for answers.

Lying is often related to self esteem issues. That doesn't mean that there can't be more serious problems, but generally when alcoholism is involved, so is self esteem. Very often adult children grow up in constant chaos as their alcoholic parent(s) drinks themselves into oblivion in front of them. Our partner may never have felt safe or secure in their early lives. They may have lived in a home that was always in a shambles either physically, emotionally or both.

The effect of having a parent who is an alcoholic cannot be underestimated. Very often children in alcoholic homes never learn to self soothe. They don't have parents who set appropriate limits and boundaries so they never learn what acceptable behavior looks like. They may be aware that they don't have appropriate social skills but have no clue where to find out how to behave.

There is great hope in counseling for ACOA. Many have been able to recover from the trauma of their childhoods due to alcoholic family members. It may take time and a great deal of patience by both our counselor and our partner. This type of recovery program may involve us learning to set boundaries and limits with our partner as well as our partner learning to face their fears and allow themselves to be seen for who they are without the masks. Our partner has lived without consequences for lying for most of their adult life. That will have to change.

The fact that our partner doesn't react with emotion may mean that they have learned how to stop feeling. As a result of the pain of trauma during childhood, our partner has chosen to freeze all feelings rather than face them. This is common in trauma survivors. As children they needed this defense mechanism to survive. Now as adults, it no longer serves a purpose and is actually the cause of difficulties occurring in our relationship. As they defrost and begin to feel again they can become very depressed and/or angry for a while as they process all the pain and loss they have been supressing.

That can be a very difficult time for both our partner and ourselves. Recall that our partner has some very positive qualities that we value... loyalty, humbleness, deference, good heartedness, excellent business person, handsome looking. Our partner is also intelligent and capable. These are some very positive statements. We must recall that we love our partner very much. There is a question we ask partners in couples counseling...

Are we happy with our relationship at least 50% of the time?

Remember, this isn't just about the flaws our partner has... we all have some real whoppers... our partner needs to learn judgement and appropriate behavior in a safe environment.

There is much benefit for us to be found in doing some reading on ACOA. There are some excellent materials available in bookstores, online through Amazon and at ACOA meetings. Here is the link to ACOA http://www.adultchildren.org/ . Click on "the problem" in the first paragraph to learn about the disease and what it feels like for the adult child. Here is a link for some recovery books. http://www.cyberus.ca/~rocksoft/teddysrule/readings/re_bibli.html

I Don't Want To Talk About It!! But I DO!!

Men and women process differently. As a result of this, counseling, which is mostly verbal, tends to feed the woman's format more than the man's. This contributes to his hesitance and her willingness. Gaining an understanding of the structure and purpose of counseling may help.

Often times it is the woman in the relationship who want to see a counselor. She has issues she has tried to discuss with her partner on her own, but to no avail. She now wants help in opening up a dialogue with her partner. She may feel emotionally disconnected in the relationship finding the lack of progress extremely frustrating. Her belief may be that a disinterested party will be able to bring the issues to the forefront and begin real movement toward change. For her, talking about issues and hearing herself discuss them aloud gives her the ability to make a decision. She may talk all around the issue, bringing up seemingly unrelated details and scenarios until she feels she has found herself.

Very often her partner has no desire to have a third party involved in the dialogue. It is not unusual for men to feel uncomfortable talking about feelings. They may feel unmanly discussing their relationship issues with a counselor due to the interpretation among many men that seeking help of any kind intimates incompetency. Men tend to feel uncomfortable talking about issues. Their general processing pattern may be to mull over difficulties in their head, come to a decision then share that decision with their partner. Talking through a decision may not be helpful and may actually interfere with their processing pattern. In their growing years men are taught to be independent, not to rely on others for solving their problems and make decisions on their own. Men may believe that counseling goes against these ideals learned from society.

In fact, counseling gives both partners a chance to air their views, feel heard and validated and have a say in the solution to their difficulties. Many times partners have black and white views of their problem. They each see only their side of the issue. Life has many shades of grey. We want solution A and don't want solution B. However we have never even thought of solution C. That is the purpose of counseling, to give a fresh perspective that may spark a new solution.

Many times partners are stuck. They may need just a small prod to get unstuck and back into balance. Counseling may provide just that tiny nudge in the right direction to get partners back on track.

What Can A Counselor Tell Us We Don't Know?

What is the purpose of counseling? How does talking about our difficulties with a stranger help? Why should we share our private life with someone we barely know? What can they possibly tell us that we don't already know about ourselves or each other?

Do any of these questions sound familiar? Most of the time when partners come to counseling they approach it with very different views of what will take place. Very often the partner who wants to attend may expect that the counselor will defend their ideas to their partner. The reverse is also true. The partner who doesn't want to attend will expect they are going to be brow beaten by the counselor to accept their partners position.

It is important to stress that the counselors job is to listen carefully to both sides, facilitate empathetic communication between the partners and try to help them find an acceptable solution. It is not the job of a counselor to take sides in the dispute.

Making partners aware of the structure of counseling may ease some of the discomfort that arises when counseling is being sought. Since the goal of counseling is to help partners enjoy their relationship more fully, it is to the benefit of both to try it out. The ups and downs of relationships sometimes cause partners emotional pain. Counseling may ease the passage through the difficult times and help the relationship back into balance.

You Can't Drug Yourself to Health

Supplements are taken to fill in the holes in our diet. They are supposed to give us the missing pieces in our nutritional puzzle. We try to do our best to eat a balanced diet: limit fats to the healthier variety, eat more complex carbs, limit sugar, eat less red meat, eat more fruits and vegetables, etc., etc. We take a multi vitamin that we hope breaks down in our digestive system.

There are problems in the supplement market. One of those is the fact that there is actually no real regulation of supplements. We buy our products from reputable manufacturers in the hopes that what is on the label is what is in the product. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Although there is oversight by the FDA with regard to supplements, the FDA is not qualified to do the work and doesn't have the time or the staff available due to overwhelming submissions from drug companies. All of this is problematic, as supplements are intended to help us get healthier.

The real issue concerns herbs. We often take herbs as if they were supplements. They look good on the shelf in the health food store, we read the label and conclude that we might benefit from their therapeutic effects. Unfortunately, we are completely unaware that herbs are in fact drugs in their natural form: Digitalis(heart regulating medication) originally comes from Fox Glove, aspirin from White Willow bark.

The benefit of herbal remedies are enormous. Herbs are whole plants. They contain the active constituents needed to aid the body in its natural healing process. Herbs also contain micro-nutrients and other constituents that complement the healing process and give balance to the effect on the body, thereby avoiding most side effects experienced from drugs. Herbal remedies when prescribed by a Master Herbalist, are generally taken in a combination designed to cleanse the body of build up and toxins, aid the part of the body needing to heal and balance the medicinal effect with a tonic. This type of treatment is the most effective and safest use of herbs. When taken in this way, herbal remedies can aid the body to heal a vast array of disease processes without unpleasant or dangerous side effects.

Many drugs given to clients for long term ailments, such as high blood pressure, have devastating side effects that can significantly impact the clients quality of life. Since the risk of not addressing the disease is so great, most clients take their Rx's and suffer in silence. Early intervention with herbal remedies may, in some cases, lessen or remove the need for drug therapy. The lessening or elimination of side effects significantly improves clients quality of life.

Educating the general public as to the dangers present in taking herbal remedies without adequate counsel from a Master Herbalist is paramount. Medical practitioners are not always aware of drug/herb interactions and may not ask clients what herbal remedies or supplements are being taken. It is vital that medical practitioners become more knowledgeable regarding drug/herb interactions and continue to query clients regarding their regimen.

Impasse: What To Do Next

What do we do when we come to an impasse in a relationship? How to we decide what to do? Where can we go to find new ideas in a safe non-judgemental environment?

There may be times in our relationships when we cannot find agreement between ourselves and our partner regarding an important issue. When all of our efforts at communication have not brought us closer to resolution, we need a next step. Sometimes we may be unable to see our partners point of view. We may have tried listening, dialogue, taking time to process what our partner has shared, and trying to see the situation through our partners eyes. Both ourselves and our partner may have tried in vain to compromise.

There may be some issues which are important to both ourselves and our partner that resist all our attempts at effective communication and compromise. In these instances we may need a third party to get us unstuck. Even in the best of relationships there may be times when partners cannot find a way to resolve an important issue. There may be hesitance in asking family members for advice because one partner may fear family will takes sides. There may also be concerns regarding privacy due to the nature of the issues.

A counselor may be able to provide a fresh pair of eyes and ears to the situation. In a safe private environment, both parties may be able to air their differences regarding the issue at hand, along with their suggested solutions. Each of us may have an agenda during counseling, however, the overall agenda is to resolve the issue at hand and find a solution acceptable to all parties.

We may wish to have our partner agree to option A. Our partner may want us to agree to option B. Option C occurred to neither of us, but in fact meets both our needs. This is the benefit of getting input from an impartial third party. When we are honest and bring our hearts to the table with a clear agenda of making our relationship work, we will find the answers we seek. Often times partners only need a nudge in the right direction to be able to resolve seemingly unresolvable issues.

When we practice self care in our daily lives and continue to use our tools, we will see our relationships blossom. We may find we get stuck from time to time and seek the advice of our counselor. With consistent practice in using our tools, we increase our self esteem thereby increasing healthy inter-dependence in our relationships.

How Can I Tell If My Relationship Is Healthy?

In thinking about our relationships we can readily see the view from our own perspective. We have a lens through which we view the world that we developed during our childhood with our family of origin. We may have witnessed our caretakers discussing issues in a productive way, making compromises and finally coming to an agreement. In this way we learned how to productively negotiate to accomplish our goal within the boundaries of a relationship.

But what if we instead witnessed heated arguments or screaming matches, long lists of past offenses and degrading comments that inevitably led to extended periods of silence with no resolution. Alternately we may have seen one party always allowing the other to have their way with no compromise or discussion. What happens to our interpretation of how to conduct ourselves within relationships, when our ability to learn and emulate is broken by dysfunction.

Children depend on their caretakers to interpret the world for them. They don’t have the ability to interpret or understand their emotional responses on any significant level until about age five. Young children mirror their caretakers facial expressions and body language, thereby emulating the feelings of their caretakers. Additionally, they don’t have the capacity to fully process their feelings into decipherable thoughts paired with words until about age twelve.

If our caretakers are unable to provide a healthy example to us of appropriate behavior in relationships, we may have no other model available for comparison. Since we are young and uninformed, we adopt the patterns from our family of origin, healthy or otherwise. As we grow into adults and enter into relationships of our own, we may unconsciously duplicate these patterns absorbed during our childhoods.

We are initially attracted to our partners because it “feels right” to be with them. We may not realize it but we are like broken jigsaw puzzle pieces, looking for our missing counterparts. When we find a fit it feels familiar. All too often that familiarity is a replay of unfinished business from our dysfunctional childhoods. We have found a partner who’s characteristics gives us a choice. We either have the opportunity to heal from past wounds, or to replay the same old hurtful patterns we lived through as children. How we use this opportunity is up to us.

Virginia Satir, family therapist states that “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible. The kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”

The same is true in relationships. Nurturing healthy relationships offer partners the ability to be supported while allowing for individual expression. Open communication between partners where both feel free to express themselves in the relationship is crucial. Differences between partners become areas providing opportunity for learning and appreciation of one another’s strengths. Making mistakes is seen as unavoidable and understanding is available to smooth over rough spots. Rules are flexible to allow for individual creativity and growth within the bounds agreed upon by the parties.

Dysfunctional relationships offer no such rewards. Partners often feel suffocated by constraints in communication and inflexibility in rules. Differences may not be tolerated and individuality may be seen as a threat. The unspoken rules in many dysfunctional relationships may be, don’t think (for yourself, don’t rock the boat), don’t talk (about problems or issues), and don’t feel (or at least don’t talk about feelings if you happen to have them). This type of stifling of communication leads to festering of emotions, building walls between partners and turning unresolved issues into feelings of anger and bitterness.

Counseling can provide a open forum whereby partners can express themselves to one another in a safe environment. Having a disinterested third party present can give partners a window into the relationship from a new point of view. Often times all that is needed to get a relationship back on track is a chance for partners to see themselves as others see them. This paradigm shift can be a powerful experience allowing for internal motivation to change.

If partners accept one another’s basic personalities and feel committed to working on themselves and their relationship, there are few issues that cannot be overcome with enough time, effort and love. We commit to practicing using our tools in our daily lives to increase our self esteem. We give ourselves time to reflect and make gradual changes. We allow our partner the dignity of making mistakes and learning from them. We learn the art of apologizing when we falter. In this way we create the relationship that we desire and give ourselves the gift of hope.

Are You Being Abused?

Domestic violence and abuse is a problem that crosses all ethnic and financial barriers. We would never suspect that good old fellow from the church singing in the choir is an abuser at home. It would be unthinkable to believe that the lovely lady at the beauty salon abuses her partner.

What does abuse look like? It can be extreme, as in repeated beatings, death threats and spousal rape. It can be much less apparent, such as emotional blackmail, limiting activities and funds, jealousy, caustic remarks and sarcasm. It can be constant or periodic. There is a wide range of behaviors that fall under the heading of abuse: physical, emotional and financial.

How do we recognize when we are being abused? The first sign that we are in trouble comes when we don't want to tell our family or friends how we are being treated by our partner. We are ashamed. We begin to enable the abuser by hiding what is happening. We isolate ourselves from our family and friends, fearful that they will sense that something isn't right.

There we are after the slap across the face...shocked...and the abuser says, "Look what you made me do. You just got me so angry! If you hadn't ____________ this would never have happened." We are hurt and angry at first. But the abuser is cunning. He/she tells us that it is our fault and that if we don't do _________ anymore than this will never happen again. He/she is soooo sorry. We are plied with gifts, flowers, affection and a lavish apology. All this attention feels so good after we were treated so badly. We foolishly believe him/her. All is well... for a time.

Soon the tension begins to build again. We can't put our finger on it but we know something is wrong. It gets worse and worse and finally another incident occurs. We are again shocked. We were told that if we fixed ourselves this wouldn't happen again. The abuser blames us again, then follows with another apology and more promises never to let another incident happen. Our gut tells us we are in trouble, but we ignore it. We love the warmth and attention we get after an incident, and once again believe that all is well.

This is the pattern of abuse: tension building, incident, honeymoon phase, tension building, etc. Abusers are addicted to the release they feel when they act out. They cannot control their behavior any more than an active addict. The partner being abused enables the abuser to continue to live within the pattern by not setting effective boundaries early on in the abuse cycle. Once the cycle is set the abuser needs more and more of their "fix" in order to feel good. Incidents may worsen and/or get closer together over time.

If you suspect that you are being abused take action. Get counseling. There are abuse hotlines available all across our country. Call. Reach out. Don't allow isolation to keep you from asking for help. There is no shame in being a victim of abuse. You can protect yourself and your children.

Listening to the Sound of Humility

Tonight I watched our new President as he completed his eight day overseas trip. I listened closely as he spoke to the world, taking responsibility for America's part in the current economic crisis, verbalizing the hope that we Americans have for peace in our lifetimes, reaching out to our allies as an equal participant in world affairs, as a nation willing to listen with respect to differing opinions, stating that our country's goal is now a nuclear free world and that we are not and will not be at war with the Islamic people. The last administration built walls between America and the world with demeaning behaviors and caustic remarks. Our previous government behaved as though America's ideals were important and the rest of the world needed to accede to our lifestyle and values. This is a fallacy that had led us into dangerous pseudo relationships with other nations who looked upon America as a bully.

For the first time in many years I am proud, once again, to have our President represent me to the world. I listen to him speak on a range of issues and am impressed with his intelligence and ability to absorb and process great quantities of complex information. I believe that for the first time in my recent adult life we may have a leader who is actually capable of leading our country in the direction the future demands. One of the most important ideas included in our President's statements during these last eight days was that America is no longer going to behave in the same manner. We recognize that the past administration has strained relationships to the breaking point and we are ready to show our better selves to the world.

In our relationships we each have the opportunity to be the leader. There are times when our particular skills are in demand and we can shine. There are times when our partner's skills are needed and we can sit back and enjoy watching, with pride, their moment in the sun. When we love someone deeply we are as thrilled with their aspirations and accomplishments as we are with our own. Their success is tied to our lives through mutual sharing in our relationship. When they feel joy in their achievements we are able to feel joyous along with them. This support that we give and receive is part of the vital flow that enables our relationship to continue to breathe and live.

Why in some relationships is there a lack of support? What happens when one partner is unable to comfort or encourage the other. When a relationship is one sided in any area the scales tip out of balance. Over time this may cause the partner who is not getting fed to feel unappreciated or used and become hostile and angry.

Deposits are being made into the relationship account by one partner and withdrawals are being made by the other. The account becomes seriously overdrawn. In order to correct the problem, steady deposits will need to be made over a sustained period of time by the overdrawn partner to repay the account. A clear understanding of why the situation occurred and the depth of the remedy necessary to repair the damage is critical to avoid unrealistic expectations about the time needed to heal the damage. In beginning to make new deposits the overdrawn partner may expect their mate to be pleased and forgiving quickly. This may not be possible at first as trust rebuilds slowly. Over time, the overdrawn partner may begin to feel unappreciated for these new efforts and become hostile and angry as well.

Hostility and anger can lead one or both partners to begin to build walls within the relationship. Walls are built of bricks composed of bitterness, sarcasm, demeaning remarks and stony silence. When there is a lack of understanding and ineffective communication the relationship is being drained of life. Breathing slows and death may be near. If both partners are willing, life can be replenished. Making a commitment to understanding the underlying problem and learning the necessary skills to repair the damaged relationship is a tall order. It takes a promise of time, effort, patience and a great deal of work by both parties to salvage a severely damaged partnership. Counseling may be necessary for a relationship on the brink of crumbling. There can be hope for a bright future amidst the chaos and confusion if partners are open minded and teachable.

We use our tools in our daily lives to continue to breathe life into our relationship, make our daily deposits and keep life flowing between partners. A healthy partnership is a gift that can never be taken for granted. It is the goal we all yearn to achieve. When we have done the difficult work to obtain such a grand prize we never forget the mountain we climbed to grab the gold ring. We utilize our tools and make certain that we practice self care in our daily lives to protect our most precious asset. In this way we give ourselves and our partner the gift of support.

Physical Health and Emotional Health are Connected

One of the most important areas of our lives is our health. When we don't practice self care in our daily lives we can decrease our immune response and increase our chance of illness. It is vital that we practice healthy living principles to have the physical energy to support ourselves emotionally.

When we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired or stressed (HALTS) we may not have the energy we need to respond appropriately to our surroundings. When we feel ourselves reacting instead of responding to our environment, we check to see if we are dissipating our energy with the acronym HALTS. If we are facing any of these areas we can take a time out from our situation and practice self care. We can avoid reacting inappropriately if we do this brief self assessment (HALTS) when we first feel ourselves slipping.

When we are hungry we may become more irritable or hostile. Our blood sugar is falling and this may create a feeling within us that drives our mood. When we take a moment to care for our bodies and allow ourselves to rebalance our blood sugar, a balanced mood follows.

If we are upset about an unresolved issue, we may let those feelings overflow onto our current situation without realizing it. We can give ourselves a time out and practice some self care... meditation, guided imagery, taking a walk or calling a friend in order to cool off and gain perspective and insight into our emotional self.

If we are feeling lonely we ask ourselves if we are lonely or just alone. Alone time is essential for healthy growth, giving us time to reflect and be at peace with our inner self. If we are lonely, we can reach out to others via telephone, attend a meeting, use the Internet or just go out to a local shop.

When exhaustion takes it's toll we must acquiesce and sleep. Adequate daily rest is paramount to our health. We need to rejuvenate our bodies each night via proper rest. The most successful sleep patterns are those that follow a similar pattern of rest times each day. This works with the bodies natural rhythm enhancing overall health.

In times of stress we must make extra efforts at self care. There may be intervals when we endure extended periods of stress in our lives over which we may have virtually no control. During those times we practice self care, use our tools and if needed seek counseling to help us through the difficulties. Life can be problematic, but there is no need to face life's challenges alone. There is assistance and comfort at every level of society from the most experienced counselor to the local support meeting in a church basement. Reaching out for help when we feel overwhelmed is a healthy response to stress.

Taking care of our health and making sure we practice self care in our daily lives allows us to have the physical energy available to deal with the emotional issues that present themselves to us each day. Through this process of self care and using our tools we give ourselves the gift of emotional health.

Why Try Counseling?

Why should we try counseling? That is a great question. One that bears examination as many partners turn to counseling in an attempt to strengthen and rebuild their relationship.

When partners begin a relationship they are generally thrilled with each other. They may spot areas early on that may be irritating or annoying, but are willing to overlook them because the strong positive feelings they share greatly outweigh any negative. Over time as partners become more comfortable with one another they begin to let down their defenses. They feel more accepted and begin to share their inner selves, allowing themselves to be more vulnerable. This increases their level of intimacy.

At this point the relationship is a living entity. It is being nurtured and fed by both partners on a daily basis. Many deposits are being made on each side and few withdrawals. The health meter of the relationship is high and the fuel tank is filled each day.

The intimacy of the relationship may begin to trigger old issues from the past for one or both of the partners. Intimacy can be threatening when partners feel old wounds from their past and don't understand what is happening to them. Suddenly they are upset or angry and don't understand why. In the blink of an eye an argument may erupt. Partners blame one another often unable to see their own part in the disputes.

Because of the high level of intimacy between the partners, even small disagreements can wound deeply. Walls begin to emerge. Each hurtful glance or sarcastic remark puts another brick in the wall. At first the overall health of the relationship compensates for the difficulties. The high level of past deposits allows for much forgiveness. But now the relationship is no longer being fed. Many withdrawals have been made. The account balances have dipped dangerously low. Partners have begun to tend to their wounds and place bricks in the wall. They have little energy left to feed the relationship. They have forgotten that the relationship is a living entity requiring care and nurturing to survive. As they continue to ignore their daily deposits the relationship bank account becomes overdrawn and the health meter dips down towards dysfunction. As this point the relationship is slowly dying.

Many times partners simply do not understand that feeling unease at new levels of intimacy is a normal part of the growth process. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable can be terrifying, especially if we have lived with masks most of our lives. We have entered into a relationship with someone who has earned our trust and we expose the soft underbelly of ourselves. This complete openness may be frightening. If our self esteem is low, we may be unable to cope with the strong feelings that such vulnerability generates.

Getting help can reverse this process. Increasing the self esteem of each of the partners can rebuild the process that the parties used in the beginning to feed their relationship. Learning the tools of self care and applying them in our daily lives increases our self esteem. We can learn communication skills to effectively listen when our partner speaks and feel heard when we share. Compromise done in healthy ways creates loving bonds between partners who feel cared for and valued within their relationship.

It is imperative that we understand that our relationship is a living entity that requires daily care and feeding. When we practice the tools of communication, self care and compromise we insure that we will have the energy needed to make daily deposits into our relationship to ensure it's long life. Our relationship is our safety net. We rely on it to provide a safe haven for our partner, ourselves and our family. It deserves our attention and our care. As we use our tools, practice self care, communicate effectively and learn to compromise we increase our self esteem, rebuild the health of our relationship and give ourselves the gift of hope.