What Can A Counselor Tell Us We Don't Know?

What is the purpose of counseling? How does talking about our difficulties with a stranger help? Why should we share our private life with someone we barely know? What can they possibly tell us that we don't already know about ourselves or each other?

Do any of these questions sound familiar? Most of the time when partners come to counseling they approach it with very different views of what will take place. Very often the partner who wants to attend may expect that the counselor will defend their ideas to their partner. The reverse is also true. The partner who doesn't want to attend will expect they are going to be brow beaten by the counselor to accept their partners position.

It is important to stress that the counselors job is to listen carefully to both sides, facilitate empathetic communication between the partners and try to help them find an acceptable solution. It is not the job of a counselor to take sides in the dispute.

Making partners aware of the structure of counseling may ease some of the discomfort that arises when counseling is being sought. Since the goal of counseling is to help partners enjoy their relationship more fully, it is to the benefit of both to try it out. The ups and downs of relationships sometimes cause partners emotional pain. Counseling may ease the passage through the difficult times and help the relationship back into balance.

Is It Already Too Late to Save Ourselves?

Yesterday was April 26th. It was sunny and about 85 degrees outside in New York City. Although we all enjoyed the early summer day it was worrisome. Today was the warmest day on record. Watching a science briefing on the results of the recent arctic studies cemented the concerns.

The sea ice in the arctic is melting faster than the scientific models have predicted. There is new evidence that we could see a complete melting of sea ice in the summer months only about five years from now. The melting of the sea ice would cause the earth's Arctic Ocean to heat up faster, as ice reflects the sun's rays back into space like a mirror whereas the oceans absorb heat. That would warm the arctic region releasing vast amounts of methane trapped in the currently frozen permafrost. Methane is a greenhouse gas with a much greater capacity for heat retention than carbon dioxide. This could heat up our planet to uninhabitable levels in some areas.

The Greenland ice sheet is the largest fresh water reserve in the world, next to Antarctica. It is currently melting faster than scientific models have predicted as well. The melting of this glacial area could cause a substantial rise in the water level of the earths oceans leaving coastal areas permanently under water. The estimated rise in the water table of earth's oceans has been estimated to be as much as twenty feet.

Additionally, adding that much fresh water could cause a dilution in the salinity of the seas, slowing or stopping the North Atlantic Current. This current is responsible for bringing warm sea water from the southern Atlantic Ocean up through Nova Scotia and across to Europe where it ultimately cools and returns to the southern seas. Without this pattern, the southern seas would become warmer and warmer. This current is responsible for the moderate temperatures that North America and Europe currently enjoy. Without those moderating currents, the Northern hemisphere would be substantially colder than it is now.

The increase in the temperature of the southern seas, due to the cessation of the North Atlantic Current, would spawn more super storms all over the world (eg: hurricanes Katrina, Rita and Ike). We could have arid areas experiencing extreme water shortages as well as other areas that suffer massive flooding. Permanently flooded coastal areas could resettle large populations inland causing additional drains on already scarce resources.

There are viable solutions to address the increased carbon dioxide dilemma. We have the technology to produce enough power from renewable energy sources right now. We need funding from government and private industry to create a cleaner future. It is time for corporate greed to be replace by the vision of a habitable planet for our children and grandchildren. We must act within the very near future to save humanity from the devastation that may follow further increases in greenhouse gas levels. It will not matter to our children that they have a balanced budget if they don't have a planet upon which they can live. We must invest in clean energy and solve this crisis before it is too late.

Drama Addiction

When things are going well, we "wait for the other shoe to drop". We don't have time to sit back and relax... there's so much chaos going on right now that we have to manage, or there will be a disaster. Every time the phone rings someone at the other end of the line is having a major problem and we need to attend to it now. Sound familiar?

This is the sound of drama addiction. We have no time to live our own lives because we are so busy attending to everyone else. Why do we adopt this mode of constantly making work for ourselves? What would we be doing if we disconnected from other peoples issues and problems and instead focused on our own lives? Some of us have been living through others for so long that we have lost our own lives along the way. We have neglected our self for such a long time that we no longer know who we are. Without the drama, who would we be? Wouldn't it be fun to find out?

We have a choice. We can elect to let others solve their own problems and attend to the business of living our own lives. Although we will get plenty of change back messages, if we keep minding our own business and letting others do the same, eventually they will begin to pick up the slack. This will give us the freedom to explore what self care feels like on a daily basis. We can begin to fill our own lives with the fun hobbies and activities that we enjoy. We can begin to live our lives again, to feel joy and wonder at the world and to engage the present.

Responsibility

Responsibility. That's a big word. When partners talk about relationships, the issue of responsibility often comes to the forefront. Each party believes that the other is not carrying enough responsibility with regard to the areas in conflict. How do we resolve issues this complex? This first step is assessing what responsibilities are encompassed in the overall issue. Once they are clearly defined, we can then move on to deciding who is going to take responsibility in each area. To solve the conflict we must each take responsibility for our portion of the problem. We must be honest and objective with ourselves and our partner about what we are and are not currently doing with regard to our part of the responsibilities. We can then move forward with a new perspective about how a change in our behavior can positively affect the overall issue we face together. Each of us is invested in carrying forward our part of the bargain to make the synergy of the whole outweigh the problem. Being on the same side of the issue creates a team environment where both parties can work toward a mutually agreeable solution.

The word, response - ability, gives clarity to the true meaning. The ability to respond, rather than react, to any given situation denotes a level of self care that is truly attractive. When life deals us a blow we have the tools we need to take care of ourselves. We breathe, give ourselves a moment to become centered and calm, then respond to the stress. If we need more time to make a decision we can always say, "Let me think about that and I will get back to you." Very few issues are so pressing that they must have an immediate response. We give ourselves the gift of time whenever we need to. That is truly self care. When we practice self care on a daily basis we will be able to discharge our responsibilities in a healthier manner.

Detachment

Detachment... what exactly does a word like that mean? When we feel like our heads are swimming from all the drama and confusion around us... when all the things we have done to try to "fix" the problem have failed... when we are so obsessed with the problem that we can no longer see any solutions... that is when we become willing to look at our situation in a new way and we try detachment.

Detachment does not mean abandoning, running from, leaving, or ignoring the problem. It does mean that we separate ourselves from the issues that are not ours to solve and focus instead on the ones we can work through... our own. We stop trying to control outcomes and force results and instead accept that we must remove ourselves from the situation and let the consequences fall where they may. If we have, in some way, added to the problem, we accept responsibility for our part and make our amends. Otherwise, we step back and let the person who has caused the problem suffer the proverbial consequences of their actions. We do this because we are too exhausted to keep carrying all the responsibility for the problems of both ourselves and others. Once we stop being responsible for others problems and step back, miraculously they will begin to take responsibility for their own lives and free us to do the same.

In this way we experience a paradigm shift that allows us to finally see our part in the drama. We will get plenty of "change back messages" from those who suddenly have to be responsible for their own lives. As we persist in self care and minding our own business we will find that others will eventually do the same. It may not be easy, it may feel awkward at first, but we will get used to it. We will learn to take care of ourselves and practice healthy self care principles throughout our daily lives.

Stimulus

I watched C-SPAN today as the Senate debated the Economic Stimulus package. I was engrossed by the lesson I was seeing played out before me. In this country we have citizens who's opinions differ substantially, often polar opposites, yet we all live in peace. The Senate is a microcosm of this fact. Each Senator devotes his time on the Senate floor to arguing his position on the Stimulus package, which he believes is a reflection of his constituents desires. Here is the lesson is perfection... no Senator will be satisfied with the completed package once the debate is over. All have compromised. Yet, the bill will be passed. This is a tool we can use in our daily lives as we find ourselves in conflict with others. Many times communication and compromise are the keys to finding an acceptable solution to our difficulties. If we accept that no one person in the conflict will be completely satisfied, then compromise becomes an acceptable solution, and communication becomes the means to achieve a satisfactory end. As one wise woman said, "The hardest part about life is accepting reality when you don't like it."