Has life gotten too easy? Is our routine causing us to become bored? Are we creating drama in our lives to fill up the empty space? What can we do to overcome our addiction to drama?
Many of us grew up in families of origin that were filled with the drama of chaos in every day life. We may have had caretakers who could barely manage their own lives... siblings who created intense drama around themselves... a family member who was disabled... neighbors who created chaos and drama within their home and out into the street involving others. Not to mention an addict or alcoholic in the family. Some of us have been caught in the inter-generational caretaking trap... caring for both children and parents simultaneously. This can leave us exhausted, drained and without time to live lives of our own.
Any or all of these situations creates an imbalance in our internal rheostat. We become drama addicts. Over time our bodies become accustomed to the shots of adrenaline we receive from our flight/fright/freeze response which reacts instinctively when we are stimulated in chaos. As we grow up in a constant state of arousal, due to the chaos in our families of origin, we become adrenaline addicts. When nothing is happening we feel sluggish, down, somewhat depressed, tired, bored, and generally disinterested until... BAM ...we get a shot of adrenaline when our friend calls and tells us that she and her husband are having a fight again. Drama!! We are wide awake, alert, up, focused, energized and ready to interact. It's so much better than coffee!!
What happens when we walk the path to recovery and our challenges begin to dissipate? Some of us suddenly find that our lives have become boring, empty, without meaning, tiresome. We miss our daily doses of adrenaline. We feel useless. Our bodies literally feel different. The chemical addiction lessens over time, but our mental addiction must be addressed as well.
We may react by creating drama in our daily lives to fill the empty space. We don't have to go down that road. We can, instead, pursue hobbies and interests that we previously didn't have time to learn. We can paint, draw, attend theater, musical concerts, visit museums, learn a new language, try our hand at crafts, run a garage sale, refinish a special piece of furniture, read, exercise, volunteer or join a club.
When our time is absorbed caretaking others we may neglect our own lives for extended periods of time. This may leave us with a big empty space where caretaking and drama used to live. As we walk the path of recovery it is imperative that we take up new challenges to fill the void left by the old habits we no longer wish to pursue. Nature abhors a vacuum. If we do not fill the space by choice we run the risk of our hold habits returning and taking hold once again.
We practice our tools in our daily lives giving ourselves much needed self care. We make efforts not to isolate, to socialize with others both in and out of recovery. As we continue to remain vigilant in our pursuit of recovery we increase our self esteem. In this way we rebuild our life.
Showing posts with label neglect. Show all posts
Showing posts with label neglect. Show all posts
Monday, June 8, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Living Your Own Life - Together
Inter-dependent relationships are the most healthy and productive. What does it take to create and sustain an inter-dependent relationship?
It is vital for each party to a relationship to have their own life in addition to the life they share with their partner. Personal space is vital to each parties ability to have an independent identity apart from the other. It allows each partner to bring their own lives to the relationship as a gift, enriching the relationship in the process. The whole then truly becomes greater than the sum of its parts as each partner has the opportunity to learn from and revel in the accomplishments of the other.
Imagine how dull life would be if each of us were the same. There would be no surprises, nothing new to discover, no new paths to walk, just the same old routine day after day. When relationships become dull and routine partners may begin to feel bored. Boredom is toxic to the health of the relationship. It is like a cancer that spreads slowly, seeping into all parts, making the time together difficult and unpleasant.
It is vital for partners to have interesting and productive individual lives, whether they have a career or are homemakers. Having interests and hobbies may be one way for partners to keep their intellect alive and their ability to be interesting people flourishing. There is no quicker way to kill the relationship than to bring nothing new to it on an ongoing basis. Sewing the seeds of boredom quickly brings contented partners into discontent.
Equally important is couple time for partners. When relationships include family, whether children or extended family, partners may become overly involved with familial obligations and begin to neglect their partnership. Over time a neglected relationship begins to die. Making time on a regular basis for a date night is vital to keeping the emotional intimacy alive between partners. If funds are tight, taking a walk together after dinner may be enough for partners to reconnect after a hectic day. Being alone as partners allows for sharing of intimate feelings without distraction or interruption.
When we take the time to invest in our own lives and create interests and hobbies we bring ourselves happiness that is dependent on no one else. This is vital to our mental health. When we are happy individually we do not depend on others for our emotional stability. We become capable of providing ourselves with a fulfilling life. This is the basis of a healthy relationship. We bring ourselves as a gift to the relationship, not an albatross of dependency to be hung around our partners neck.
We use our tools to develop our gifts and abilities as whole rounded human beings. In this way we increase our self esteem and our inner happiness. Our relationship grows as we feed our inner selves and allow our partner the same privilege. In this way we give ourselves and our relationship the gift of inter-dependence.
It is vital for each party to a relationship to have their own life in addition to the life they share with their partner. Personal space is vital to each parties ability to have an independent identity apart from the other. It allows each partner to bring their own lives to the relationship as a gift, enriching the relationship in the process. The whole then truly becomes greater than the sum of its parts as each partner has the opportunity to learn from and revel in the accomplishments of the other.
Imagine how dull life would be if each of us were the same. There would be no surprises, nothing new to discover, no new paths to walk, just the same old routine day after day. When relationships become dull and routine partners may begin to feel bored. Boredom is toxic to the health of the relationship. It is like a cancer that spreads slowly, seeping into all parts, making the time together difficult and unpleasant.
It is vital for partners to have interesting and productive individual lives, whether they have a career or are homemakers. Having interests and hobbies may be one way for partners to keep their intellect alive and their ability to be interesting people flourishing. There is no quicker way to kill the relationship than to bring nothing new to it on an ongoing basis. Sewing the seeds of boredom quickly brings contented partners into discontent.
Equally important is couple time for partners. When relationships include family, whether children or extended family, partners may become overly involved with familial obligations and begin to neglect their partnership. Over time a neglected relationship begins to die. Making time on a regular basis for a date night is vital to keeping the emotional intimacy alive between partners. If funds are tight, taking a walk together after dinner may be enough for partners to reconnect after a hectic day. Being alone as partners allows for sharing of intimate feelings without distraction or interruption.
When we take the time to invest in our own lives and create interests and hobbies we bring ourselves happiness that is dependent on no one else. This is vital to our mental health. When we are happy individually we do not depend on others for our emotional stability. We become capable of providing ourselves with a fulfilling life. This is the basis of a healthy relationship. We bring ourselves as a gift to the relationship, not an albatross of dependency to be hung around our partners neck.
We use our tools to develop our gifts and abilities as whole rounded human beings. In this way we increase our self esteem and our inner happiness. Our relationship grows as we feed our inner selves and allow our partner the same privilege. In this way we give ourselves and our relationship the gift of inter-dependence.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Drama Addiction
When things are going well, we "wait for the other shoe to drop". We don't have time to sit back and relax... there's so much chaos going on right now that we have to manage, or there will be a disaster. Every time the phone rings someone at the other end of the line is having a major problem and we need to attend to it now. Sound familiar?
This is the sound of drama addiction. We have no time to live our own lives because we are so busy attending to everyone else. Why do we adopt this mode of constantly making work for ourselves? What would we be doing if we disconnected from other peoples issues and problems and instead focused on our own lives? Some of us have been living through others for so long that we have lost our own lives along the way. We have neglected our self for such a long time that we no longer know who we are. Without the drama, who would we be? Wouldn't it be fun to find out?
We have a choice. We can elect to let others solve their own problems and attend to the business of living our own lives. Although we will get plenty of change back messages, if we keep minding our own business and letting others do the same, eventually they will begin to pick up the slack. This will give us the freedom to explore what self care feels like on a daily basis. We can begin to fill our own lives with the fun hobbies and activities that we enjoy. We can begin to live our lives again, to feel joy and wonder at the world and to engage the present.
This is the sound of drama addiction. We have no time to live our own lives because we are so busy attending to everyone else. Why do we adopt this mode of constantly making work for ourselves? What would we be doing if we disconnected from other peoples issues and problems and instead focused on our own lives? Some of us have been living through others for so long that we have lost our own lives along the way. We have neglected our self for such a long time that we no longer know who we are. Without the drama, who would we be? Wouldn't it be fun to find out?
We have a choice. We can elect to let others solve their own problems and attend to the business of living our own lives. Although we will get plenty of change back messages, if we keep minding our own business and letting others do the same, eventually they will begin to pick up the slack. This will give us the freedom to explore what self care feels like on a daily basis. We can begin to fill our own lives with the fun hobbies and activities that we enjoy. We can begin to live our lives again, to feel joy and wonder at the world and to engage the present.
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