Am I Still In Love?

What do we do when we feel that in love feeling changing in our relationship? Does that happen to everyone? Does it mean our relationship is over, or doomed?

When we first meet our partner we feel excited, we look forward to our next time together with great anticipation. We enjoy our shared experiences and tend not to notice each others flaws. We are in love.

If our brains were scanned in an MRI during this early phase of our relationship while looking at a photo of our new partner, we would show the same type of energy patterns as obsessive compulsive disorder.

Thinking about this we understand that this makes perfect sense. We are obsessed with our new romance. We are compulsive about our appearance and the condition of our living space. We think about our new partner almost all the time. This level of energy is pleasant and exciting, but in the long term unsustainable. If all goes well, eventually our relationship matures into one of committed intimacy.

Some of us are troubled by the change in feelings. We may not understand that these are normal,. healthy, mature feelings that grow out of the initial lusty times we shared in the beginning of our new partnership. If we believe that our relationship is in trouble we may make foolish choices, leaving to again find that in love sensation we found when our interactions were new.

We need to come to understand that the changes in emotion are what we seek. We do want the security and stability of a long term committed intimate relationship. That is were we may flourish both as individuals and partners.

Being in love with the in love feelings causes some of us to fly from relationship to relationship, never finding what we truly seek... the love of self and the intimacy of a mature partnership. We are worth more than just a flash in the pan. We are worthy of true deep intimacy. We can find what we seek.

Remember... we attract who we are, not what we want.

Parents, Step Parents and Children's Needs

Children need two parents in their lives, whether they are married to one another or not. They also need stability and routine to help them feel grounded, keep their world orderly and allow them to feel safe. There is much psychological evidence to support those facts. Some parents may forget at times that our children are developing and have different needs than we do as adults.

Step parents often have a difficult time adjusting to the fact that their role is limited. They may want to impress their new partner with their ability to handle the kids, or make a new home, or make their new partner feel like they are a family. None of this is relevant because none of it is actually about what is best for the kids.

Step parents do have a role, which is best described as making a safe place for kids to live or visit (whichever is appropriate), and being a support to the rules set down by the biological parents. If the step parent and the biological parents can work out at way to effectively cooperate this is actually the best situation for the kids. In that case there is little friction and the kids needs are put first. Many times, however, this does not happen and parents must choose how to manage their personal lives and their children's lives effectively.

Children's lives need routine, stability, safety and certainty. They need to know that both Mom and Dad still love them and will make time with them a priority. They need to see their biological parent alone some of the time to feel valued and important. Parents also need time to be adults and bond with their new partner. It may not be appropriate for parents to share time with their new partner when the kids are present soon after a split.

Studies have shown that kids should be given time to grieve the loss of the family unit without being expected to form any new bonds. This can take time - each child is different, but up to two years or more can be needed for some children. Even then, the introduction of a new partner for a parent is wrenching for a child because it underlines the fact that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together - the dream for which the child secretly hopes.

Parents are not expected to put their adult lives on hold for their children indefinitely, however, it is reasonable for parents to keep their adult lives separate from the lives they lead with their children for as long as possible to give their children a chance to heal. Remember, children have no say in divorce, they cannot get what they really want... Mom and Dad back together again in a happy family. Since they can't get what they want, is it really so hard for us adults to give them the time to heal from their grief by giving them what they need? Security, safety, stability, boundaries, love, attention and the feeling of being valued as a person.

Children will make relationships with their step parents in their own time and in their own way. They only have one set of biological parents in their lives, but they have the opportunity to be loved by many more people as time passes. No one will ever be Mom or Dad but Mom and Dad in a child's heart... period. But that doesn't mean that step parents can't be loved and valued for their ability to be a trusted friend or companion.

Making roles an issue over which to fight is a waste of time. No one will take the place of Mom or Dad in any child's heart. How many times have counselors watched an adult in their 60's sob as they talk about the love the wished they could have received from a deceased parent...

Let us have faith in ourselves and our relationship with our children. They need us and want us in their lives. They love us with all their hearts. Let us be there for them. Let us give them the love we were denied as a child. Let us give them what we were never able to receive. Let us be the one to break the chain of pain.

We are all well loved. Let's share that gift with our kids.

Living Your Own Life - Together

Inter-dependent relationships are the most healthy and productive. What does it take to create and sustain an inter-dependent relationship?

It is vital for each party to a relationship to have their own life in addition to the life they share with their partner. Personal space is vital to each parties ability to have an independent identity apart from the other. It allows each partner to bring their own lives to the relationship as a gift, enriching the relationship in the process. The whole then truly becomes greater than the sum of its parts as each partner has the opportunity to learn from and revel in the accomplishments of the other.

Imagine how dull life would be if each of us were the same. There would be no surprises, nothing new to discover, no new paths to walk, just the same old routine day after day. When relationships become dull and routine partners may begin to feel bored. Boredom is toxic to the health of the relationship. It is like a cancer that spreads slowly, seeping into all parts, making the time together difficult and unpleasant.

It is vital for partners to have interesting and productive individual lives, whether they have a career or are homemakers. Having interests and hobbies may be one way for partners to keep their intellect alive and their ability to be interesting people flourishing. There is no quicker way to kill the relationship than to bring nothing new to it on an ongoing basis. Sewing the seeds of boredom quickly brings contented partners into discontent.

Equally important is couple time for partners. When relationships include family, whether children or extended family, partners may become overly involved with familial obligations and begin to neglect their partnership. Over time a neglected relationship begins to die. Making time on a regular basis for a date night is vital to keeping the emotional intimacy alive between partners. If funds are tight, taking a walk together after dinner may be enough for partners to reconnect after a hectic day. Being alone as partners allows for sharing of intimate feelings without distraction or interruption.

When we take the time to invest in our own lives and create interests and hobbies we bring ourselves happiness that is dependent on no one else. This is vital to our mental health. When we are happy individually we do not depend on others for our emotional stability. We become capable of providing ourselves with a fulfilling life. This is the basis of a healthy relationship. We bring ourselves as a gift to the relationship, not an albatross of dependency to be hung around our partners neck.

We use our tools to develop our gifts and abilities as whole rounded human beings. In this way we increase our self esteem and our inner happiness. Our relationship grows as we feed our inner selves and allow our partner the same privilege. In this way we give ourselves and our relationship the gift of inter-dependence.

Managing Expectations - Creating Stability

Making the commitment to be in a relationship is a responsibility. Two people deciding that partnership is what they desire is the basis for a relationship. To fully understand the responsibilities that partnership entails, it may be helpful to view it as though it is a business venture.

In a business relationship there are clearly delineated responsibilities and defined roles. Each party to the partnership knows exactly what their job entails and what is expected of them on a daily basis. This reliability and accountability is what keeps the wheels of the business oiled and allows the venture to continue with stability. None of the participants in the business assume that the other knows what they want or need. All communication is done openly with respect and clarity. This too keeps the business running smoothly and allows the partners to maximize their effectiveness within their business relationship.

If we apply these same principles to our personal partnerships and relationships we have a healthy basis upon which to build. As successful business persons we follow proven principles that work well in business settings. As capable adults we can transfer these skills to our personal lives. If we clarify our responsibilities with our partner and are accountable for our part, we enable the partnership to function at optimal health. Most of us have the skills that it takes to be successful in our careers. If we look at our relationship as a career at home and apply the skills we have learned in the business world to our personal relationships, we may enhance our daily lives.

We treat our partner as though they are the most important relationship we have, because it is true. We give love, gentleness, understanding, honesty, compassion, respect, reliability, accountability and effective communication to our partner as a gift from our hearts without expectation. We do this because we believe that our partner has our best interests at heart and will do the same for us. As long as we feel valued and balanced in our relationships we can continue in them in health. Over time as we give and receive, stability develops in our relationship and we can begin to trust in our partnership.

As we build our relationship with our partner we use our tools to practice self care in our daily lives. We increase our self esteem each day as we learn to value ourselves and trust our instincts. In this way we give ourselves the gift of stability.

Life is just... Life

Life is so hard! It's not fair! Why is this happening to me? I didn't do anything! I can't take it anymore! Who says so! How could this be possible? I wasn't there! When will all the drama end? If I have to say this one more time...! Why do I let this go on? Sound familiar???

No one said life would be easy. Life is just... life. And yes, life often isn't very fair. Kind, decent people die in terrible ways in wars. Stuff just... happens, and sometimes it doesn't make any sense at all. Life can be random and chaotic. Yet, through all the disappointment, loss and pain, there is the other side of life... the joyful, loving, balanced part where ordinary people live out a good portion of their lives with a significant degree of happiness. Yes, the painful times come to us all. How we cope with them is more of an indicator of our mental stability than how we enjoy the happier times.

These are the reasons we use our tools, practice self care, make our daily lives as positive as possible and try to see the glass as half full. We have many assets available for use in our lives. The most valuable of these is time. That is the one that we cannot recoup, cannot rewind, cannot say, "Do over!!" when it has past. We try to live each day to its fullest. We allow ourselves to be as present in each moment as humanly possible.

It is the realization that we have a limited amount of time in our lives that brings many of us to that point where we want to live a more meaningful existence. We question how we have used our time thus far and begin to make informed decisions about what we intend to do with the remainder of our lives. We can think about our choices with the following in mind: When we are lying on our death beds, what will we wish we had done more of? That is the place to begin spending our time.

Life is just... life. Make it the best trip!!

HELP... My Partner's Having An Emotional Meltdown

It's been one of those days when we've been trying to keep ourselves calm and centered in the midst of our partner having a melt down. As the pressure and hostility build, we feel as if we are about to explode. We bite our tongue, the air crackles with tension, we feel as if we are going to scream. What do we do now? What tools do we have to help us get through this crisis?

One of the most difficult times we may face in a relationship comes when our partner becomes emotionally unbalanced and cannot soothe themselves back into stability. The ensuing hours or days can be draining, upsetting and extremely difficult. A partner who has this pattern may be unpredictable in daily life causing much stress and tension. Unpredictability creates a feeling of walking on egg shells and the need by others to be hyper-vigilant in an attempt to avoid potentially triggering an emotional melt down.

Why is it that some people can effectively calm themselves in short order, while others may take hours or even days to regain balance? When we are small children we do not have the capacity to self soothe. We depend on our caretakers to lull us back into balance when we have become upset. They may cuddle us, coo at us, talk gently to us or simply smile at us. We respond by emulating their emotional stability. We imprint their model for handling stress onto our lives and make it our own.

What happens when our caretakers are unable to handle the stress in their lives... when they do not have the capacity to bring themselves back into balance? A caretaker who is in turmoil may not have the presence of mind to realize that their inability to interact appropriately with their environment is being imprinted on their children. If we grew up in a home with drama, tension, hostility and anger, it is likely that we may be unable to moderate our emotions. We may, as children, have never seen emotional balance exemplified and therefore have no experience with appropriate reactions. When we became emotionally upset, there may have been no one who was centered to soothe us back into balance. Now as adults, we are unlikely to be able to bring ourselves back into balance after emotional upset. We may have relied upon external regulators to accomplish this for us with unhappy results.

If our partner is one who may not be able to regain their emotional balance easily, we must practice self care at those difficult times. One of our most effective tools is to take ourselves out of the equation. We recognize that our partner is having an emotional melt down. We realize that we cannot stop the process, nor are we responsible for our partners inability to process their feelings in an appropriate manner. There is nothing we can do to help our partner.

We can take care of ourselves. We lovingly excuse ourselves from the situation. We can take a walk, go for a drive, enjoy a hot bath, get a latte, visit a friend or just run an errand. Getting ourselves out of the situation and away from the tension for even a half hour can be enough to regain our center and perspective. We will need all our empathy to get through the next few hours. We may wish to focus on how grateful we are that we can moderate our own emotional response, and how unfortunate it is that our partner must suffer so greatly.

Once we have regained our composure and feel calm we can make an informed decision about our next action. If our partner has a pattern that takes many hours or days, we may wish to take in a movie, do some shopping, visit a museum or just spend time with friends. We allow ourselves to enjoy our time and give our partner the space to deal with their feelings. We can let our partner know that we will be available when they have regained focus and wish to once again to be part of our social circle.

It may be tempting to become enraged at our partner when this pattern repeats itself in our daily lives. We may begin to feel that precious time is being wasted. We must recall that we are in charge of how we use our time. We have the choice in each moment of what we do next. If we practice self care and allow ourselves to feel pleasure and joy despite our partners situation, we will use our time productively and increase our self esteem.

Although we may feel we are abandoning our partner at a critical time, we are in reality doing them a great service. We are telling them through our actions that they are valued and loved, that we have confidence that they are competent to handle their situation without assistance and return to us a calmer more centered person. In this way we allow our partner to build their self esteem as they learn to manage their emotions in a productive way, without having us present as a distraction or pathway for blame. At the same time we give ourselves the gift of time... time to enjoy our daily lives and pursue our own interests and pleasures.