Help... I Have Made A Terrible Mistake

What happens if we leave our partner during mid life crisis only to find we made a terrible mistake?

There have been many of us who leave a long standing relationship (not always for another partner, some just for space) during mid life only to regret the decision when we realize the impact on our lives. Some of us have been fortunate enough to have sought counseling and been able to repair the rift before divorce became the only answer. Others have not been so lucky.

Looking outside ourselves for answers doesn't work. Happy isn't out there somewhere... happy is an inside job. If we aren't happy with our lives when we hit midlife it's time to reassess... not immediately look for an escape route. The level of maturity we have when midlife arrives determines how we handle it. Immature, coddled, self centered adults act out. Mature grown ups communicate.

It may be difficult or frightening to share our disappointments with our partner... but if we think clearly we will realize that they must have their own lost dreams to deal with as well. We are not the only one in the relationship. Acknowledging our limitations... becoming vulnerable... allowing ourselves to re-experience emotional intimacy... these are all paths back to wholeness.

We may have spent many years building walls instead of bridges. Our expectations must be realistic. We cannot undo what has taken years to create in a short time. Patience... hard work... honest self exploration and gentle sharing all work together to create the environment necessary to reinvent our relationship.

Holidays… Ugh!!

How do we cope with our strong feelings when we are dealing with someone who is unaware of how their behavior affects others?

Often times we are forced to deal with people… especially in family situations and surrounding holidays events… who are unaware of how their actions appear to others. It is common for us to believe that our intentions are visible, when in fact it is only our actions that can be seen and felt by those around us.

If others are feeling overwhelmed and their actions impact us, what can we do to practice self care? We use our tools… deep breathing… taking a walk… calling a friend… journaling… prayer… letting go. If necessary we give ourselves permission to leave the situation and take a time out until we feel more balanced. We cannot be emotionally present for others if we are not practicing self care. If practical, we can return once we are centered to discuss the situation in an attempt to resolve issues.

Part of self care is effectively managing expectations. If we have a history of unresolved issues involving family, we must learn to expect whatever family dynamics exist to continue. We can choose not to participate in unhealthy situations. We expect many change back messages from those who are uncomfortable with our growth. We can understand their discomfort… empathize… and still maintain our healthy boundaries.

The holidays can be an especially trying time as we interact with our family of origin. Old issues that lie beneath the surface may be triggered by interactions with siblings, parents or extended family. We owe it to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care and manage expectations. In this way we have the ability to spend our time with our families while still maintaining healthy boundaries and working on more positive interactions.

HELP - My Expectations Are Killing Me!!

How do we manage our expectations in a healthy way? Can our expectations cause us problems in our relationship?

Expectations can be a double edged sword. At times we gain power and insight from the expectations we have of ourselves. But what about the expectations we have of our partner? How do they affect our relationship?

If we expect our partner to fulfill our expectations we may be placing undue pressure on both our partner and our relationship. We hold the responsibility to fulfill our own expectations. When we give that power away, we lose the ability to practice self care. We give control of ourselves and our happiness over to another. When we do that we may be setting ourselves up for disappointment.

As much as our partner may wish to please us and may make every effort to act in our best interest, there will be times when their desires and ours will not overlap. If we have placed our expectations in their hands we will surely be disappointed and possibly hurt. If we have, instead, taken responsibility for our own expectations we will be assured that we remain in balance regardless of what our partner is or is not doing at the moment.

In a healthy relationships partners make every effort to be compassionate, respectful and considerate of one another. We do not feel the need to meet each others expectations as we know that we are responsible for meeting our own. In this way we assure that we remain balanced, emotionally available and connected in our lives and in our relationships.

Can I Forgive Myself?

Why is it so much harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others? That is because we hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do other people. Take a moment when all is quiet and listen to our self talk... all the shoulds, the nevers and the always... we wouldn't talk like that to our children, our parents or our friends... but we all talk that way to ourselves.

The hardest part about forgiving ourselves is accepting that we are just like everyone else... we make mistakes, we screw up, we do stupid things that we regret. But because we hold ourselves to a higher standard in our minds, we somehow believe that we are capable of more... and we expect more of ourselves. So when we don't perform up to our own expectations we tend to crucify ourselves.

The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is a part of reality we definately don't like... we aren't perfect, we never will be... we aren't supposed to be... that keeps us humble. When we accept that we are as flawed as others, and we bring that truth into our inner selves as a part of us... then we can begin to forgive ourselves.

Our kids may have been hurt by what they experienced as we made mistakes... mine certainly was... but he learned valuable lessons from me in the process... no one is perfect... not me, not his Dad and not him. He can accept that failure is a part of life and that when we get knocked down we get up and try again. That is an invaluable lesson... painful? Yes. But invaluable.

Our kids will learn that parents are human, they make mistakes and in the process there is pain. But, they will be able to accept that failure is an integral part of life to be expected and overcome with effort. They will see our efforts at rebuilding ourselves and their lives as a positive result.

Making mistakes and learning to forgive ourselves is all a part of being human... and isn't that the whole point?

Pity, Compassion, Trust and Selfishness

What is the difference between compassion and pity?

Compassion is based on a belief that both parties in a relationship are equals... that each of their points of view are worthy of regard. Pity includes a feeling of intellectual superiority. We pity our partner who is suffering and see them as being inferior, inept, incompetent or unable to function in some important way. Pity then leads to contempt if our partner is unable to resolve their issue within our time frame. Compassion leads us to offer whatever assistance is appropriate, then allowing our partner the opportunity to solve their issue within their own time frame.

What is the difference between compassion and excusing irresponsible or selfish behavior?

Compassion includes us behaving in accordance with our own values. This does not mean we excuse the irresponsible or selfish behavior of our partner when they have done something that does not agree with their own inner values. We have the responsibility to respect our own and others boundaries. We can feel compassion for the poor choices our partner has made without allowing them to continue to hurt us. We own our power in our relationship and reinforce our boundaries with our partner, telling them what we will and will not accept in a gentle loving manner.

What is the difference between compassion and discerning when it is safe to trust?

When we are compassionate we are able to see our partner as they really are without pretense. We see them with all their vulnerabilities and flaws and can discern accurately what we can realistically expect. If our expectations are on track and we are accurately discerning what is and is not possible, we are less likely to trust inappropriately. Many times we are hurt in relationships because we refuse to acknowledge the flaws of either our partner or ourselves. Our ability to discern when it is safe to trust relies upon our acceptance of reality. Our ability to accept reality relies upon our level of compassion in our relationship. When we feel compassion toward our partner we are able to view them in truth thereby assessing accurately when it is and is not safe to trust.

Am I Enhancing My Relationship?

What makes one relationship work while another falters? What steps can we take to preserve our partnership?

There are habits that we can create in our relationship that may help us feel more connected with one another. These are simple choices we make each day that can make the difference between happiness and emptiness.

Going to bed at the same time each night where possible gives partners the chance to snuggle and reconnect in a physical way after a long day of being apart. Our skin responds to touch by releasing chemicals that help us relax. Snuggling may help us fall asleep more easily and feel connected in a positive way.

Having shared interests is important for us to flourish in a partnership. We bring ourselves to the relationship as a gift. If the gift we bring is filled with interests and fun we add a great deal of positive energy to our relationship. Cultivating our own lives as well as common interests is paramount to a healthy balanced partnership.

Letting our partner know that we are proud to be seen with them is vital. We show our pride in our relationship by encouraging touch when we are with others. We may hold hands, or rest our arm in theirs. We may walk with fingers entwined or lean against one another while sitting. All these gestures allow our partner to feel the sense of pride we share in our partnership.

Assume the best. When we are in a committed relationship we are bound to make mistakes as is our partner. When we begin by assuming the best we are giving our partner the benefit of the doubt. We allow ourselves to make our first priority trust and faith in our partner, that they did not intend to cause harm. If harm was caused, we display forgiveness as we would want to be forgiven when we falter.

The old saying, accentuate the positive... eliminate the negative... applies well in relationships. We tend to see the glass as either half full or half empty. If we have learned to see the world through an optimistic view we are more likely to have positive outcomes. We learn to overlook the tiny annoyances that all relationships endure and focus on the areas we enjoy in our partner. We too have annoying attributes and wish our irritations to be overlooked.

Make it a habit to check in with one another during the day. We offer our partner support, love, encouragement and allow ourselves to get a glimpse of how our partners day is progressing. This is an invaluable tool in assessing how our partner may be feeling later on in the evening. If we are aware of the stresses they have dealt with during the day we can be more prepared for their energy level later on and adjust our expectations accordingly.

Make your first encounter after a long absence, such as a day at work, positive. A smile and hug or kiss at first reunion paves the way for positive feelings they may last well into the remainder of the day. Showing our partner how pleased we are to see them again is well worth the effort.

Where Do Relationship Ideals Come From?

Where do we get our concept of what relationships should look like? How to these ideas affect our relationship with our partner? What can we do to compensate for differences in our relationship vision?

When we are very young we observe the world around us. We are like a sponge absorbing all that our senses can detect. We watch our caretakers as they go about their daily lives. As they interact with one another they serve as an example of partnership relationship behavior. As we grow up, we observe relationships other than that of our family of origin. We see other adults interact on a daily basis. We see our peers behaviors. We watch television, absorbing ideas regarding relationships from that venue. By the time we have reached the end of our adolescence we have observed thousands of relationships from a wide variety of sources.

Our earliest observations within our family of origin forms the basis for our values and beliefs regarding how adult relationships are formed and maintained. If our family of origin was healthy, balanced and communication was open, we will come to expect our relationship to mirror those values. If our partner came from a family of origin where there was hostility, dysfunction and a lack of communication we will have opposite expectations.

As we enter into a relationship with our partner the difference in our backgrounds may cause us difficulties in our partnership. We may, for example, expect to talk through problems whereas our partner may not wish to acknowledge problems. We may find that over time we experience discomfort due to the difference in the way each of us handles our emotions and how that difference affects our relationship.

If we are to create harmony and balance in our relationship we must find a way to communicate with our partner in a way that our partner is able to hear. We look for common ground, shared goals and values as a starting point. Once we have discovered that we essentially want to reach the same goals, the path to meeting those goals becomes easier to forge. As we share our values and ideals we may find that we share more commonality than we previously knew. As we work toward a solution we keep our shared vision prominently in view, keeping us on track toward our goals.

We adjust our expectations of one another as we walk the path we have chosen. Perfection is not the goal. We will both experience setbacks as we work toward our shared vision. With compassion and deliberation, we take two steps forward and one back on our road to balance and harmony in our relationship.

Happiness is an Inside Job

Image by ashley rose, via Flickr

How can we be happier persons?

One of the issues we all face during our lives is our dissatisfaction level. Some of us seem to be able to be happy pretty much regardless of our circumstances. Others of us have a hard time being happy even when everything seems to be going well. Why does this happen? What can we do about it?

Happiness is an inside job. When we enter a relationship as a person who is already happy and fulfilled in their lives, we bring ourselves as a gift to the relationship. When we come to a relationship with the expectation that our partner will be the one to make us happy, we are setting ourselves up for failure. No one person outside of us can fulfill us or make us a happy person. That is a task that each of us has to do for themselves.

When we enter into a relationship with our partner with the expectation that they will fulfill us, or make us feel happy when we are not, we are doomed to disappointment. If we are unhappy to begin with, eventually we will become unhappy again if we are not working on ourselves to change that dynamic. When that happens, we may blame our partner for our unhappiness rather than taking it upon ourselves to better our situation. Too many times we may leave the relationship once we feel unhappy, looking for a different partner to fix our happiness level. We will repeat this pattern over and over again, leaving relationship after relationship looking for the one who will finally make us feel fulfilled, when all along it was our responsibility to fulfill ourselves.

We want to bring ourselves as a gift to our relationship with something of value to add to that living dynamic entity. We do not want to be an albatross around our partners neck dragging them down with us into our pool of unhappiness. To that end we work on our recovery. We use our tools in our daily lives to help us overcome our issues and increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of happiness.

Tools, Glorious Tools - Part Four

Recovery is not complete without tools to take us beyond the drama of the moment into long term health. Patience, managing expectations, deep breathing, journaling and reading are all tools that help us deal with the immediate stress of our daily lives. Tools that are life changing are more elusive, harder to grasp and harder to implement.

Meditation is a state of deep relaxation where we work to empty our minds of all the clutter of the day. We give our brain a time out from the constant work of processing the innumerable messages that bombard us throughout our daily lives. There are many styles of meditation. One in particular is called guided imagery. This type of meditation is a form requiring a guide. The guide may be ourselves or another that we choose. We are first lead through a breathing and relaxation exercise. Following this we are guided through a vivid journey within our minds. We may view past events with a new perspective. We may take a walk on the beach. Whatever we view complements our state of deep relaxation. When we complete our meditation we feel refreshed and relaxed. This tool is one we can use on our own to give ourselves a boost of rejuvenation during stressful times.

One of the most difficult tools for many of us to accept is the concept of a higher power. Many of us were deeply wounded as children. We may have stopped believing that there might be more to life than what we can observe with our five senses. We may be angry with our higher power, feeling abandoned to live through pain, fear and sorrow. It may take some time for us to regain the faith that there is more to our lives than that which we sense. That is part of the process. We begin with baby steps, opening ourselves to the possibility that there may be more. Our higher power can be whatever we choose. It is not a defined concept, nor one based in religion. For some it is the stars, for others the earth, for still others an ethereal spiritual being. There is no correct answer. We use whatever will bring us to a place of faith.

Why does a part of recovery focus on having faith in a higher power? We change our perspective. We become part of a larger world when we enter the journey of recovery. We begin to see that we are not unique and that our pain, fears and shame are a commonality that binds those in recovery together. We learn that we are not alone. This is a powerful concept allowing us to feel that we belong. We are now part of the recovery community. We begin in small increments asking for guidance and wisdom. As we move along our journey we watch for sign posts along the way. We are on a path that has been chosen for us. As we put one foot in front of the other we are reminded that we have already come a long way from our humble beginnings.

Our choice to remain open to the possibility of a higher power is our entry into the realm of spirituality. We begin to allow ourselves to consider the possibility that we are more than just a human body. We open our minds to the thought that we may be a spiritual being housed within a human body. The concepts of balance have existed for eons; yin and yang, dark and light, good and evil, heaven and hell, God and Satan, Adam and Eve, Mother Earth and Father Time. All these ideas stem from the concepts of balance… that for each and every positive in the universe, there is an opposing force.

We strive to create balance in our lives. One of the ways we do this is by opening ourselves to the concept of allowing situations to develop naturally without trying to force results. If we can begin to accept that we may be spiritual beings, we can then relax and allow the natural unfolding of events. This brings us to a healthier place where we feel calm, centered and balanced instead of stresses, harried and overwhelmed.

Our tools are our life line. We use them in our daily lives to enhance our ability to remain balanced and to increase our self esteem. We practice patience, managing expectations, deep breathing, journaling and reading on a daily basis. We use meditation and guided imagery as a form of deep relaxation and renewal. We open ourselves to the possibility that there may be more to the universe than we can sense and begin to have faith in a higher power. Our spiritual lives blossom and we experience the peace and tranquility that we crave. In this way we give ourselves the gift of recovery.

Tools, Glorious Tools - Part Three

Now that we have begun our journey into recovery on our chosen path, we need a guide to keep us going in the direction we have picked. We do this by using another tool in our arsenal, reading.

The brain is a series of nerve cells passing electrical charges from one to another. The pattern of a path taken by a particular charge represents a thought. The more times we think a particular thought, the stronger the bonds becomes between those nerve cells. Nerve cells actually move closer together when certain thoughts occur frequently to provide faster processing, much like defragmenting a computer hard disk. Nerve cells that may have been dedicated to thoughts that are not accessed frequently, will be reused by the neural net for newer thoughts. As years pass and we think certain thoughts over and over again, we begin to access these familiar neural pathways automatically.

During recovery we review the internal thoughts we process automatically on a daily basis and decide which we will keep and which we will remove. One of the tools we use to help us in our decision making process are books. We read recovery literature to enlarge our perspective and allow us to develop a more appropriate view of our thought processes and the behavior and habits that those thoughts engender. We choose which of our thoughts no longer serve our needs. We may still hear the voices of our family of origin in the background. We have a choice to listen or silence those old tapes playing in our heads.

Reading recovery materials gives us insight into our actions and allows us to become part of a community of people choosing a healthier path. We read recovery stories of others who have walked the road before us. These give us hope that we too can succeed.

Daily reading keeps us grounded in the principles of recovery. We give our brains new material to form into healthy memories. As we learn about ourselves and others through literature, our self esteem increases. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We practice patience, managing expectations, deep breathing, journaling and reading. Through using our tools and practicing self care we learn one of the most valuable lessons of recovery… we are not alone.

Tools, Glorious Tools - Part Two

In our recovery process we practice patience and manage our expectations. We keep in mind that habits developed over many years may take much time to unlearn. We expect to make mistakes, to backslide, to feel regret when we repeat old patterns of behavior that no longer function for our benefit.

We employ many tools in our daily lives to help us cope with the changes we are making in ourselves and the responses we are cultivating to take the place of our old defense mechanisms. We learn that defense mechanisms are automatic and that we have been employing them without even realizing it. This is the core of how we protected ourselves during our childhood. We have relied on these defenses for a long time. Giving them up creates a void. We fill that void with healthy behavior by using our tools.

In working to change this pattern we strive to become more aware of ourselves and our feelings. We may feel overwhelmed initially by the surge of strong emotions and the feelings that follow. It may take time for us to be able to put words to our feelings if we have been reacting on auto pilot for a lengthy period of time. We allow ourselves to begin to experience all our emotions. This can create much discomfort. We will adjust to the newness of it over time. In the interim we use several tools to help us cope.

We learn deep breathing. When we are tense we tend to breathe in a less effective manner. We breathe with our upper chest and take short, quick, shallow breaths. When we focus on our breathing we take longer, slower, deeper breaths that inflate our abdomen and pull air all the way down to the lower part of our lungs. This allows more oxygen into our blood stream and aids in relaxation. We breathe in through our noses, hold briefly for a count of five, then out through our mouths. As we repeat this process we feel a sense of relaxation flow through ourselves. We are adding vital oxygen to our bodies that have been depleted through stress.

Journaling is an important tool in our tool bag. We write out our feelings, thoughts and opinions about present circumstances and persons in our lives. We may include related memories that have caused us pain in the past, recalled as a result of a particular event. This gives us an outlet for our emotions as well as a way to experience more clarity with regard to our feelings. We may be new at processing our emotions. Journaling gives us an edge. We have our journal entries available for review as we progress through recovery. We can look back at a snapshot of ourselves and see our growth.

Having patience with ourselves, managing our expectations of our progress, allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, deep breathing and journaling… these initial tools help us develop increased self esteem as we use them in our daily lives. We give ourselves the gift of recovery as we practice using our tools to gain emotional balance.

Compromise, Compromise, Compromise...Aaaargh!!

When partners disagree about an issue in a relationship, there are a variety of ways that a solution can be reached. A typical solution may be for one of the two partners to allow the other to have their way in the disagreement. This works well if the issue being discussed is of much greater importance to one partner than another. It also works well if partners frequently take turns being the one to compromise. In this instance the partners both trust that they will have their turn at having their way and getting their needs met.

Another type of solution is for partners to compromise. Instead of one partner being completely satisfied with the solution and the other being completely dissatisfied, the partners negotiate with one another to find an acceptable middle ground where both can find some satisfaction. This works well with partners who are willing to communicate their needs to one another with honesty and openness. It requires that both parties be capable of interacting, for the most part, without hostility and rage, even during a disagreement. In order to facilitate communication the following may be helpful:

Principles of Compromise Communication

• Stay on topic
• Don’t bring up past mistakes
• No name calling
• No sarcasm or caustic remarks
• If emotions escalate, take a ten minute time out to refocus and think

Should one partner falter in their attempt to follow healthy communication principles, patience and kindness are in order. Both parties will fail many times before getting used to a new communication pattern. Expectations are critical. The realization that both partners are human beings and will make many mistakes will foster forgiveness. Appropriate apologies are necessary to prevent the accumulation of bitterness.

Using our tools for self care increases our self esteem. Using these practices in our daily lives makes healthy communication, compromise and taking turns in getting our needs met easier to accomplish. In this way we give ourselves the gift of healthy relationships.

Listening to the Sound of Humility

Tonight I watched our new President as he completed his eight day overseas trip. I listened closely as he spoke to the world, taking responsibility for America's part in the current economic crisis, verbalizing the hope that we Americans have for peace in our lifetimes, reaching out to our allies as an equal participant in world affairs, as a nation willing to listen with respect to differing opinions, stating that our country's goal is now a nuclear free world and that we are not and will not be at war with the Islamic people. The last administration built walls between America and the world with demeaning behaviors and caustic remarks. Our previous government behaved as though America's ideals were important and the rest of the world needed to accede to our lifestyle and values. This is a fallacy that had led us into dangerous pseudo relationships with other nations who looked upon America as a bully.

For the first time in many years I am proud, once again, to have our President represent me to the world. I listen to him speak on a range of issues and am impressed with his intelligence and ability to absorb and process great quantities of complex information. I believe that for the first time in my recent adult life we may have a leader who is actually capable of leading our country in the direction the future demands. One of the most important ideas included in our President's statements during these last eight days was that America is no longer going to behave in the same manner. We recognize that the past administration has strained relationships to the breaking point and we are ready to show our better selves to the world.

In our relationships we each have the opportunity to be the leader. There are times when our particular skills are in demand and we can shine. There are times when our partner's skills are needed and we can sit back and enjoy watching, with pride, their moment in the sun. When we love someone deeply we are as thrilled with their aspirations and accomplishments as we are with our own. Their success is tied to our lives through mutual sharing in our relationship. When they feel joy in their achievements we are able to feel joyous along with them. This support that we give and receive is part of the vital flow that enables our relationship to continue to breathe and live.

Why in some relationships is there a lack of support? What happens when one partner is unable to comfort or encourage the other. When a relationship is one sided in any area the scales tip out of balance. Over time this may cause the partner who is not getting fed to feel unappreciated or used and become hostile and angry.

Deposits are being made into the relationship account by one partner and withdrawals are being made by the other. The account becomes seriously overdrawn. In order to correct the problem, steady deposits will need to be made over a sustained period of time by the overdrawn partner to repay the account. A clear understanding of why the situation occurred and the depth of the remedy necessary to repair the damage is critical to avoid unrealistic expectations about the time needed to heal the damage. In beginning to make new deposits the overdrawn partner may expect their mate to be pleased and forgiving quickly. This may not be possible at first as trust rebuilds slowly. Over time, the overdrawn partner may begin to feel unappreciated for these new efforts and become hostile and angry as well.

Hostility and anger can lead one or both partners to begin to build walls within the relationship. Walls are built of bricks composed of bitterness, sarcasm, demeaning remarks and stony silence. When there is a lack of understanding and ineffective communication the relationship is being drained of life. Breathing slows and death may be near. If both partners are willing, life can be replenished. Making a commitment to understanding the underlying problem and learning the necessary skills to repair the damaged relationship is a tall order. It takes a promise of time, effort, patience and a great deal of work by both parties to salvage a severely damaged partnership. Counseling may be necessary for a relationship on the brink of crumbling. There can be hope for a bright future amidst the chaos and confusion if partners are open minded and teachable.

We use our tools in our daily lives to continue to breathe life into our relationship, make our daily deposits and keep life flowing between partners. A healthy partnership is a gift that can never be taken for granted. It is the goal we all yearn to achieve. When we have done the difficult work to obtain such a grand prize we never forget the mountain we climbed to grab the gold ring. We utilize our tools and make certain that we practice self care in our daily lives to protect our most precious asset. In this way we give ourselves and our partner the gift of support.

Managing Expectations - Creating Stability

Making the commitment to be in a relationship is a responsibility. Two people deciding that partnership is what they desire is the basis for a relationship. To fully understand the responsibilities that partnership entails, it may be helpful to view it as though it is a business venture.

In a business relationship there are clearly delineated responsibilities and defined roles. Each party to the partnership knows exactly what their job entails and what is expected of them on a daily basis. This reliability and accountability is what keeps the wheels of the business oiled and allows the venture to continue with stability. None of the participants in the business assume that the other knows what they want or need. All communication is done openly with respect and clarity. This too keeps the business running smoothly and allows the partners to maximize their effectiveness within their business relationship.

If we apply these same principles to our personal partnerships and relationships we have a healthy basis upon which to build. As successful business persons we follow proven principles that work well in business settings. As capable adults we can transfer these skills to our personal lives. If we clarify our responsibilities with our partner and are accountable for our part, we enable the partnership to function at optimal health. Most of us have the skills that it takes to be successful in our careers. If we look at our relationship as a career at home and apply the skills we have learned in the business world to our personal relationships, we may enhance our daily lives.

We treat our partner as though they are the most important relationship we have, because it is true. We give love, gentleness, understanding, honesty, compassion, respect, reliability, accountability and effective communication to our partner as a gift from our hearts without expectation. We do this because we believe that our partner has our best interests at heart and will do the same for us. As long as we feel valued and balanced in our relationships we can continue in them in health. Over time as we give and receive, stability develops in our relationship and we can begin to trust in our partnership.

As we build our relationship with our partner we use our tools to practice self care in our daily lives. We increase our self esteem each day as we learn to value ourselves and trust our instincts. In this way we give ourselves the gift of stability.

Oops, I Died and Didn't Plan My Estate... Now What?

What happens in blended families when a partner passes away? Doing the work of estate planning is one that many partners put off for the future. Although we know this aspect of our lives needs attention, we may not take the time needed to adequately plan for our loved ones in the event of our death. This is especially true in the case of blended families. We each may have children from a prior relationship, possibly children together as well.

Planning for eventualities such as serious illness or even death may not be the most pleasant of tasks, but it is one that pays big dividends when done in a timely manner. Making decisions for ourselves while healthy gives our loved ones the information they need to properly carry out our wishes when we can no longer do so.

Many decisions must be made. Who will care for the minor children? What provisions will be made for children from prior relationships? How will inheritances be divided? What has to be done to protect current partners from losing assets or a home to adult children wanting their inheritance at once? What does one partner do to take care of another in the event of terminal illness, coma or worse? What kind of arrangements need to be made for funerals or burials? Should the partners assets be placed in a trust? Is a power of attorney necessary? If so, what kind? What is a living will and who needs one?

Questions such as these should be directed to an attorney who specializes in estate planning. The lawyers will be able to answer these questions, as well as raise many others pertinent to each partnership's situation. Look for a firm that comes highly recommended. Estate planning is a field that is continually changing. An estate planning attorney must also be knowledgeable about the laws of the state in which the partners reside, as laws vary from state to state.

When we have completed our estate planning, we share our future plans with our heirs. This enables all those involved to have appropriate expectations. We cannot control how others may feel or behave during times of loss, but we can take care of details and arrangements to make that time as easy as possible.

Planning for our own futures in this way is another tool we have to use for self care. We increase our self esteem as we arrange for the appropriate distribution of our estate to our heirs. We make arrangements to care for our partner as agreed indicating the value of our relationship. We use our tools and practice self care giving ourselves the gift of peace.

Expectations

It's finally the weekend... We all know how wonderful it feels after another week of work to anticipate the freedom of the weekend. We can sleep in, eat brunch, run errands unhurriedly, pursue our hobbies, visit with friends and enjoy an evening out. What happens when we run into a conflict with our partner? Can we cope with our feelings in a productive way? If we have tools at our disposal, are we using them?

When partners clash during recreational times it can be disappointing. They may start out their time with a relaxing plan of time spent together. If communication is inadequate, the situation may deteriorate from fun to frustration. When one or both partners fail to communicate their desires, the relationship may become unbalanced. One party may be steering the activities without knowing that the other partner is dissatisfied.

In partnerships it is the responsibility of both parties in the relationship to make their needs and wants known. If assumptions are being made by either party that the other knows what their desires are, then there is sure to be disappointment and unmet expectations. Each of us is responsible for communicating our desires. We must not assume that another knows what we think or need. We have an obligation to let our view be known. We may believe we are doing our partners a favor by going along with their plan. In the end, however, we will feel resentful that our needs are not being met. This may lead to hostility and discord.

Should that happen, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We must take responsibility for our lives and use our tools. We owe it to ourselves and our partners to voice our view, to announce our desires, and to ask to have our needs met. When we do this we give our partner the opportunity to validate our importance, as both an individual and as a party to the partnership.

The term partnership implies that we are equals, both important, both having needs to be met. We give our partners the pleasure of meeting our needs, as we have met theirs. We do not need to be wall flowers hiding ourselves from the light of day. We can stretch out our stems and enjoy the sunshine that comes with having our importance validated. We only lose when we don't ask. But when we ask, we give ourselves the opportunity to win. We must use our tools for self care in getting our needs met. As we do, we increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of validation.

FWB - Friends With Benefits

Can the concept of FWB (friends with benefits) work? Can two consenting adults be friends and share physical intimacy regularly, without increasing their emotional involvement and risking relationship trauma?

Real friendship itself is in fact a significant form of intimacy. Friends share details of their daily lives with one another creating a web of links that bind them together. Sex, on the other hand, may not be intimacy at all. Sex by itself can be simply meeting a biological need... so long as there is no significant emotional attachment. Having casual sex with someone seen once in a great while during times when both parties are single does not necessarily involve friendship, but a casual physical link. The, meet you in the Bahamas once a year, thing can be fun, but that isn't what FWB generally means.

When we enter into a FWB relationship, we generally see one another regularly. It's the regularly part that may become the problem. Mixing real friendship and sex may eventually become problematic because expectations evolve during a friendship... honesty, reliability, accountability, trust... and this may involve exposing ourself to being vulnerable. Physical intimacy added to that equation may inevitably bring two people closer. Being friends first is a great way to start a relationship as long as there is honesty between partners about feelings.

Unfortunately, it is all too common that one party to the FWB pact is hoping that a more serious relationship will grow out of the new level of intimacy. Pretending to feel less than we do, may lead to significant disappointment if the other party doesn't feel the same. We can end up feeling shamed or used. It behooves us to go back and decide whether or not we are truly friends, or just casual acquaintances who are physically attracted to one another.

If we are casual acquaintances who are interested in becoming more intimate through physical contact, we must honestly approach our partner and be forthcoming about out true feelings and intentions. We protect both ourselves and our partner by laying our cards on the table. If we have no intention of becoming emotionally involved, we must be up front about this fact. It is our responsibility to let our partner know that we are not interested in any further level of relationship. This gives them the option to decline participation and protect themselves from the risk of emotional trauma, if they are hoping for more than what we can offer. If we believe that they are not being honest with us or themselves, we may take the initiative and decide not to further physical intimacy.

The concern is that we make a choice to be sexually involved with someone, later finding out that we or they actually do have feelings beyond friendship. Now what?

Emotional Flashbacks

Visualize the following: You're out to dinner with your partner. The ambiance is warm and inviting, the food is delicious, the company charming. The meal ends and you both walk out of the restaurant arm in arm, laughing and talking. Abruptly the conversation changes and you find yourself in the midst of an argument. What happened?

When we enter into relationships we don't arrive empty handed. We bring to the table both expectations and baggage. Expectations come to us during our childhood. We observe the interactions of our family of origin. We watch as our caretakers address conflict and resolution in their relationship. We watch as our siblings react to one another. If our family of origin is dysfunctional, they may not interact appropriately with each other or their environment. We may be too young to understand that we are being given misinformation about personal interactions.

As we become older and widen our field of interpersonal relationships, we learn through experience how those outside our family of origin behave. We may not initially understand the differences between these two groups and may suffer emotional distress as a result of our lack of experience. Over many years we may accumulate a collection of wounds due to our inability to properly decipher our environment. As time passes some of the deeper wounds may become triggers, areas where we are especially sensitive and harbor strong feelings of shame or fear. Triggers bring back old emotionally charged feelings from past suffering, making it difficult for us to interpret today's actions appropriately. We may feel as if a new person is perpetrating the same deed as has happened before. This is what we term, baggage.

How do we cope in a new relationship when we have both expectations and baggage? We must become aware of ourselves. We must decide to investigate our inner being, to look into our motivations and examine our beliefs. This takes time and effort. We embark on this journey to give ourselves the gift of knowledge... knowledge of ourselves. We uncover our fears and shame and look at them squarely without self deception. When we do this, we enable ourselves to accept our inner being as we are, with all our flaws and defense mechanisms. Through using our tools and practicing self care along this journey, we give ourselves the gift of acceptance.