Life offers us the opportunity to learn through lessons.
When we experience loss... whether through divorce or the ending of a committed relationship... we have two choices. We can waste our time... blaming our partner for their failures... or we can invest our time... examining ourselves to make the most of the lessons presented to us from the experience.
If we choose to invest our time in bettering ourselves it doesn't excuse our partner's failures but instead gives us the chance to acquire wisdom. We open ourselves to the possibility that we played some part in the failure of our relationship. If we seek knowledge with an open mind and spirit we will be shown the area in which change is necessary. Rarely do relationships fail because of the actions of only one in the partnership. Unhealthy interactions can become habitual.
Wisdom and acceptance bring us to a place of peace... a place where we become comfortable in our own skin. Acceptance allows us to incorporate our experiences... whether positive or negative... into our sense of self.
We become more as a result of all that has happened to us in life. The whole being greater than the sum of it's parts. We may even be able to share some of our wisdom with others to help them through their pain.
When we understand why we selected our partner in the first place we give ourselves the greatest of all gifts... understanding.
Scars remind us of where we've been... they don't have to dictate where we're going.
Showing posts with label lessons. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lessons. Show all posts
Friday, June 10, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Claw Marks
One of the most respected authors in the recovery field, Melody Beattie, said... Everything I have ever let go of has had claw marks on it.
Learning to let go is a lifelong process. The earliest lessons in our lives occur within our family of origin. These lessons teach us basic skills... what love feels like... how to relate to others... survival. When our family of origin is dysfunctional in some way we still learn lessons... but those lessons may be skewed. Instead of learning that love is positive and pleasurable we may learn that love equals pain. We may learn that interpersonal interaction include habits that no longer work... sending mixed messages... inability to communicate... fear of intimacy. These defense mechanisms probably served us well in the past... kept us safe... allowed us to survive in a dysfunctional environment. But these same defenses may be responsible for sabotaging our relationships in the present.
Letting go of outdated habits and defense mechanisms is hard work... but something we must strive to accomplish if we wish to succeed in our personal lives. We struggle to let go and get past the fears that keep us in emotional bondage. Lessons present themselves throughout our lives. If we pay attention and seek to learn we will grow and overcome. The lessons may be difficult but what we learn is worth the trials. Eventually we feel gratefulness for the guidance and wisdom the lessons provide. These lessons prepare us for the eventuality of letting go of this life.
Practicing self care... learning to pay attention to the lessons when we suffer losses... learning to let go... becoming grateful for the wisdom imparted via life's lessons... these are the goals of recovery.
Learning to let go is a lifelong process. The earliest lessons in our lives occur within our family of origin. These lessons teach us basic skills... what love feels like... how to relate to others... survival. When our family of origin is dysfunctional in some way we still learn lessons... but those lessons may be skewed. Instead of learning that love is positive and pleasurable we may learn that love equals pain. We may learn that interpersonal interaction include habits that no longer work... sending mixed messages... inability to communicate... fear of intimacy. These defense mechanisms probably served us well in the past... kept us safe... allowed us to survive in a dysfunctional environment. But these same defenses may be responsible for sabotaging our relationships in the present.
Letting go of outdated habits and defense mechanisms is hard work... but something we must strive to accomplish if we wish to succeed in our personal lives. We struggle to let go and get past the fears that keep us in emotional bondage. Lessons present themselves throughout our lives. If we pay attention and seek to learn we will grow and overcome. The lessons may be difficult but what we learn is worth the trials. Eventually we feel gratefulness for the guidance and wisdom the lessons provide. These lessons prepare us for the eventuality of letting go of this life.
Practicing self care... learning to pay attention to the lessons when we suffer losses... learning to let go... becoming grateful for the wisdom imparted via life's lessons... these are the goals of recovery.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Can I Forgive Myself?
Why is it so much harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others? That is because we hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do other people. Take a moment when all is quiet and listen to our self talk... all the shoulds, the nevers and the always... we wouldn't talk like that to our children, our parents or our friends... but we all talk that way to ourselves.
The hardest part about forgiving ourselves is accepting that we are just like everyone else... we make mistakes, we screw up, we do stupid things that we regret. But because we hold ourselves to a higher standard in our minds, we somehow believe that we are capable of more... and we expect more of ourselves. So when we don't perform up to our own expectations we tend to crucify ourselves.
The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is a part of reality we definately don't like... we aren't perfect, we never will be... we aren't supposed to be... that keeps us humble. When we accept that we are as flawed as others, and we bring that truth into our inner selves as a part of us... then we can begin to forgive ourselves.
Our kids may have been hurt by what they experienced as we made mistakes... mine certainly was... but he learned valuable lessons from me in the process... no one is perfect... not me, not his Dad and not him. He can accept that failure is a part of life and that when we get knocked down we get up and try again. That is an invaluable lesson... painful? Yes. But invaluable.
Our kids will learn that parents are human, they make mistakes and in the process there is pain. But, they will be able to accept that failure is an integral part of life to be expected and overcome with effort. They will see our efforts at rebuilding ourselves and their lives as a positive result.
Making mistakes and learning to forgive ourselves is all a part of being human... and isn't that the whole point?
The hardest part about forgiving ourselves is accepting that we are just like everyone else... we make mistakes, we screw up, we do stupid things that we regret. But because we hold ourselves to a higher standard in our minds, we somehow believe that we are capable of more... and we expect more of ourselves. So when we don't perform up to our own expectations we tend to crucify ourselves.
The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is a part of reality we definately don't like... we aren't perfect, we never will be... we aren't supposed to be... that keeps us humble. When we accept that we are as flawed as others, and we bring that truth into our inner selves as a part of us... then we can begin to forgive ourselves.
Our kids may have been hurt by what they experienced as we made mistakes... mine certainly was... but he learned valuable lessons from me in the process... no one is perfect... not me, not his Dad and not him. He can accept that failure is a part of life and that when we get knocked down we get up and try again. That is an invaluable lesson... painful? Yes. But invaluable.
Our kids will learn that parents are human, they make mistakes and in the process there is pain. But, they will be able to accept that failure is an integral part of life to be expected and overcome with effort. They will see our efforts at rebuilding ourselves and their lives as a positive result.
Making mistakes and learning to forgive ourselves is all a part of being human... and isn't that the whole point?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
HANDBOOK FOR 2010
HANDBOOK 2010
Health:
1. Drink plenty of clean fresh water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.
10.Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk... smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey entails.
12. Don't invest in negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Live in the present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep within your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you truly need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of mistakes.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Smile and laugh more.
23. You don't have to win every argument. Learn to agree to disagree.
Society:
24. Call your family often.
25. Be charitable... each day give something to others.
26. Forgive easily and anger slowly.
27. Spend time with people over 70 & under 6 whenever you can.
28. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
29. What other people think of you is less important than what you think of yourself.
30. Your job won't care for you when you are sick or lonely. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
31. Do the right thing!
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, meaningful or joyful.
33. Our higher power heals everything.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, shower, get dressed and show up.
36. The best is yet to come.
37. When you awake alive in the morning, be grateful.
38. Your inner being strives to be happy. So, be happy.
39. Share your vision with others.
40. And finally... Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Challenges are part of the curriculum but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Health:
1. Drink plenty of clean fresh water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.
10.Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk... smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey entails.
12. Don't invest in negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Live in the present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep within your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you truly need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of mistakes.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Smile and laugh more.
23. You don't have to win every argument. Learn to agree to disagree.
Society:
24. Call your family often.
25. Be charitable... each day give something to others.
26. Forgive easily and anger slowly.
27. Spend time with people over 70 & under 6 whenever you can.
28. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
29. What other people think of you is less important than what you think of yourself.
30. Your job won't care for you when you are sick or lonely. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
31. Do the right thing!
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, meaningful or joyful.
33. Our higher power heals everything.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, shower, get dressed and show up.
36. The best is yet to come.
37. When you awake alive in the morning, be grateful.
38. Your inner being strives to be happy. So, be happy.
39. Share your vision with others.
40. And finally... Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Challenges are part of the curriculum but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
We See The World As We Are
We see the world not as it is, but as we are.
This is a fundamental truth. People see the world through their own eyes and no one else's. The experiences of their lives form the basis for the lens through which they view the world and those in it. Native Americans have a saying that aptly addressed this most basic truth: "I shall not judge a man until I have walked a mile in his moccasins." We try without success to see the world through the eyes of another. The best we can hope to accomplish is empathy.
In our relationships we may have times when we need to be able to see our partners point of view. When we disagree it is imperative that we recall that our lens through which we view the world was created in our family of origin. A family that we no longer live with on a daily basis. The way in which our caretakers interacted with one another colors our beliefs about how we behave with our partner. If our caretakers were gentle and open with one another it is likely that we will display that behavior in our relationships.
But what if our caretakers were not warm and balanced with one another? We may have had one caretaker who manipulated and cajoled their partner in order to have their way. Although we may not have been able to verbalize what we witnessed at the time, due to our youth, we incorporated the lessons we saw into our memory. Over time we may have perceived the imbalance as weakness on the part of the manipulated caretaker and become intolerant of weakness in others as a result.
If one of our caretakers was cruel or abusive toward their partner, we may have unintentionally adopted their style, as we may have seen the abused partner as a weak and ineffective adult. Adult relationships are complex. As children we do not have the mental capacity to interpret or understand the nuances we witness.
When we enter into adult relationships we may attempt to correct the imbalances we witnessed in our caretakers interactions, in our own relationship. We must come to realize that attempting to fix the imbalances we witnessed in our caretakers relationship, by duplicating them in our own relationships, is not possible nor desirable. In adopting the patterns of our caretakers we are taking on problems that we did not create and cannot solve.
Once we become aware of our patterns and how we are duplicating those of our family of origin we can begin the long journey back to a healthy relationship. Breaking free from the patterns of our family of origin is difficult work that requires we become willing to see ourselves with all of our warts. It is not work to be undertaken lightly. It requires the guidance of a counselor capable of steering us through the maze of feelings and beliefs in order to peel away the inaccuracies within.
As we begin our journey we reach out to our higher power for guidance and wisdom. This path is one that many have travelled before us. We place one foot in front of the other not knowing where the path will lead, but having faith that we are exactly where we need to be to learn the lessons we must to move forward with our lives.
We use our tools to help us cope as we walk the path of recovery into light from darkness.
This is a fundamental truth. People see the world through their own eyes and no one else's. The experiences of their lives form the basis for the lens through which they view the world and those in it. Native Americans have a saying that aptly addressed this most basic truth: "I shall not judge a man until I have walked a mile in his moccasins." We try without success to see the world through the eyes of another. The best we can hope to accomplish is empathy.
In our relationships we may have times when we need to be able to see our partners point of view. When we disagree it is imperative that we recall that our lens through which we view the world was created in our family of origin. A family that we no longer live with on a daily basis. The way in which our caretakers interacted with one another colors our beliefs about how we behave with our partner. If our caretakers were gentle and open with one another it is likely that we will display that behavior in our relationships.
But what if our caretakers were not warm and balanced with one another? We may have had one caretaker who manipulated and cajoled their partner in order to have their way. Although we may not have been able to verbalize what we witnessed at the time, due to our youth, we incorporated the lessons we saw into our memory. Over time we may have perceived the imbalance as weakness on the part of the manipulated caretaker and become intolerant of weakness in others as a result.
If one of our caretakers was cruel or abusive toward their partner, we may have unintentionally adopted their style, as we may have seen the abused partner as a weak and ineffective adult. Adult relationships are complex. As children we do not have the mental capacity to interpret or understand the nuances we witness.
When we enter into adult relationships we may attempt to correct the imbalances we witnessed in our caretakers interactions, in our own relationship. We must come to realize that attempting to fix the imbalances we witnessed in our caretakers relationship, by duplicating them in our own relationships, is not possible nor desirable. In adopting the patterns of our caretakers we are taking on problems that we did not create and cannot solve.
Once we become aware of our patterns and how we are duplicating those of our family of origin we can begin the long journey back to a healthy relationship. Breaking free from the patterns of our family of origin is difficult work that requires we become willing to see ourselves with all of our warts. It is not work to be undertaken lightly. It requires the guidance of a counselor capable of steering us through the maze of feelings and beliefs in order to peel away the inaccuracies within.
As we begin our journey we reach out to our higher power for guidance and wisdom. This path is one that many have travelled before us. We place one foot in front of the other not knowing where the path will lead, but having faith that we are exactly where we need to be to learn the lessons we must to move forward with our lives.
We use our tools to help us cope as we walk the path of recovery into light from darkness.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Why Can't I Be Understood?
Why is it that my partner and I can use the same words and still not get the correct message?
When we communicate we are sending a message based not only on our verbal language, but on what the words in our language mean to us. We develop the meaning of those words in our family of origin. When each of us is young we learn spoken language from our caretakers. As they speak we listen and grasp the intended, as well as the inferred meaning from their use of language. Not only do we learn the apparent meaning of words, but we learn the underlying meaning implied by tone of voice and posture when the words are spoken.
When caretakers talk among themselves, they may use words that have multiple meanings. A word such as touchy can mean excessive handling of an object, over reacting to an action or statement or even tender qualities when used in combination with the word feely in slang. Depending on the tone of voice, the facial expression and the context of the remark, we learn as small children how and when to use such a word. These early lessons are unique to each of us. Siblings may have similar language usage and understanding, but their lingo is not exactly alike.
When we communicate with out partner we may easily forget that we don't share the same early life lessons and have not come from the same family of origin. We make a statement and have trouble being understood, as we may make a host of assumptions regarding what the phrase means to us, that don't apply to our partner. If we are to be understood we need to be as clear as possible in our discourse. We try to explain not only what is apparent in our usage of language, but what is not apparent, our lingo. Over time as we come to know one another better and learn more about each other's families of origin, we begin to share one another's lingo and clarity becomes easier to reach.
This is especially true for partners from varying cultures where language and customs may be vastly different. It is important to share not only the pleasures of our similarities, but also the gift of learning from our differences.
When we begin to truly understand one another the facade of fear slips away showing us that we are truly all the same species, human beings. In beginning to understand one anothers lingo we add to the possibility that one day humanity will come to realize that most of us are ordinary citizens who wish to live in peace with all of the world.
When we communicate we are sending a message based not only on our verbal language, but on what the words in our language mean to us. We develop the meaning of those words in our family of origin. When each of us is young we learn spoken language from our caretakers. As they speak we listen and grasp the intended, as well as the inferred meaning from their use of language. Not only do we learn the apparent meaning of words, but we learn the underlying meaning implied by tone of voice and posture when the words are spoken.
When caretakers talk among themselves, they may use words that have multiple meanings. A word such as touchy can mean excessive handling of an object, over reacting to an action or statement or even tender qualities when used in combination with the word feely in slang. Depending on the tone of voice, the facial expression and the context of the remark, we learn as small children how and when to use such a word. These early lessons are unique to each of us. Siblings may have similar language usage and understanding, but their lingo is not exactly alike.
When we communicate with out partner we may easily forget that we don't share the same early life lessons and have not come from the same family of origin. We make a statement and have trouble being understood, as we may make a host of assumptions regarding what the phrase means to us, that don't apply to our partner. If we are to be understood we need to be as clear as possible in our discourse. We try to explain not only what is apparent in our usage of language, but what is not apparent, our lingo. Over time as we come to know one another better and learn more about each other's families of origin, we begin to share one another's lingo and clarity becomes easier to reach.
This is especially true for partners from varying cultures where language and customs may be vastly different. It is important to share not only the pleasures of our similarities, but also the gift of learning from our differences.
When we begin to truly understand one another the facade of fear slips away showing us that we are truly all the same species, human beings. In beginning to understand one anothers lingo we add to the possibility that one day humanity will come to realize that most of us are ordinary citizens who wish to live in peace with all of the world.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Love - Part 1
Love... that mystical feeling that we can't quite describe. What exactly does love feel like? Do we know when we are in love? When and how do we learn what love is? Why is love important? These are questions that people have been asking for thousands of years.
We learn about love primarily from our family of origin during our childhood. We observe our caretakers as they interact with one another, our siblings, and their world. We may be unable to provide words to what we view, but our young brains record the lessons through our senses. As we grow and interact with others, we may modify what we have learned to reflect our values. We may position ourselves in relationships mirroring that which we learned from our primary caretakers in our family of origin. We have learned what love feels like in our early years and may try to recreate that familiar and comfortable pattern in our adult relationships. We feel in love when the pieces of the puzzle with our partners mesh in that same way we observed in our family of origin. Love becomes the bonding agent of our lives. It ties us to our partners in a predictable and important way. We feel connected, valued, understood and respected in this primary and crucial relationship.
What happens when our family of origin is dysfunctional? When there is much stress, and arguments dominate family life. When one or both caretakers are unable to express love, either to each other or to us as children, how does that affect us?
When caretakers are emotionally unavailable, we as children feel a void we cannot comprehend or explain in our lives. We cannot process that an adult may have issues that hinder their ability to express their feelings. We may internalize the belief that somehow we are inadequate. We may try to be perfect so as to gain favor and admiration instead of love and acceptance. We may act out... recall that "negative attention is better than none"... trying to find a way to force a caretaker to notice us. We may withdraw into ourselves believing that we will be safer if we go unnoticed. We may begin to associate love with being in emotional pain. We create and maintain a system of defense mechanisms which protect us from the pain of feeling the lack of love, intimacy and closeness we desire during our childhoods.
As adults these defense mechanisms continue to operate on an unconscious level. We may be unaware of our reactions and behaviors emanating from these childhood wounds. We have come to a time in our lives where our defense mechanisms no longer serve the function they did when we were small. They were a key to our survival as children, but become a burden to us as adults. They may be inhibiting our ability to feel warmth, love and intimacy. We may be unable to feel comfortable in close relationships. We may find ourselves in a series of partnerships that inevitably end painfully. We may believe being in a relationship filled with drama and pain is being in love.
There is hope. We do not have to continue on this path throughout our lives.
To be continued tomorrow...
We learn about love primarily from our family of origin during our childhood. We observe our caretakers as they interact with one another, our siblings, and their world. We may be unable to provide words to what we view, but our young brains record the lessons through our senses. As we grow and interact with others, we may modify what we have learned to reflect our values. We may position ourselves in relationships mirroring that which we learned from our primary caretakers in our family of origin. We have learned what love feels like in our early years and may try to recreate that familiar and comfortable pattern in our adult relationships. We feel in love when the pieces of the puzzle with our partners mesh in that same way we observed in our family of origin. Love becomes the bonding agent of our lives. It ties us to our partners in a predictable and important way. We feel connected, valued, understood and respected in this primary and crucial relationship.
What happens when our family of origin is dysfunctional? When there is much stress, and arguments dominate family life. When one or both caretakers are unable to express love, either to each other or to us as children, how does that affect us?
When caretakers are emotionally unavailable, we as children feel a void we cannot comprehend or explain in our lives. We cannot process that an adult may have issues that hinder their ability to express their feelings. We may internalize the belief that somehow we are inadequate. We may try to be perfect so as to gain favor and admiration instead of love and acceptance. We may act out... recall that "negative attention is better than none"... trying to find a way to force a caretaker to notice us. We may withdraw into ourselves believing that we will be safer if we go unnoticed. We may begin to associate love with being in emotional pain. We create and maintain a system of defense mechanisms which protect us from the pain of feeling the lack of love, intimacy and closeness we desire during our childhoods.
As adults these defense mechanisms continue to operate on an unconscious level. We may be unaware of our reactions and behaviors emanating from these childhood wounds. We have come to a time in our lives where our defense mechanisms no longer serve the function they did when we were small. They were a key to our survival as children, but become a burden to us as adults. They may be inhibiting our ability to feel warmth, love and intimacy. We may be unable to feel comfortable in close relationships. We may find ourselves in a series of partnerships that inevitably end painfully. We may believe being in a relationship filled with drama and pain is being in love.
There is hope. We do not have to continue on this path throughout our lives.
To be continued tomorrow...
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