Why is it so much harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others? That is because we hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do other people. Take a moment when all is quiet and listen to our self talk... all the shoulds, the nevers and the always... we wouldn't talk like that to our children, our parents or our friends... but we all talk that way to ourselves.
The hardest part about forgiving ourselves is accepting that we are just like everyone else... we make mistakes, we screw up, we do stupid things that we regret. But because we hold ourselves to a higher standard in our minds, we somehow believe that we are capable of more... and we expect more of ourselves. So when we don't perform up to our own expectations we tend to crucify ourselves.
The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is a part of reality we definately don't like... we aren't perfect, we never will be... we aren't supposed to be... that keeps us humble. When we accept that we are as flawed as others, and we bring that truth into our inner selves as a part of us... then we can begin to forgive ourselves.
Our kids may have been hurt by what they experienced as we made mistakes... mine certainly was... but he learned valuable lessons from me in the process... no one is perfect... not me, not his Dad and not him. He can accept that failure is a part of life and that when we get knocked down we get up and try again. That is an invaluable lesson... painful? Yes. But invaluable.
Our kids will learn that parents are human, they make mistakes and in the process there is pain. But, they will be able to accept that failure is an integral part of life to be expected and overcome with effort. They will see our efforts at rebuilding ourselves and their lives as a positive result.
Making mistakes and learning to forgive ourselves is all a part of being human... and isn't that the whole point?
Showing posts with label perfection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label perfection. Show all posts
Friday, March 5, 2010
Saturday, August 22, 2009
How Controlling Am I?
So many times we find excellent material for our growth in the work of others. Here is a piece that gives us a sense of where we fall as regards our recovery journey. Take the quiz thinking of feelings and attitudes today, then think back to past feelings prior to beginning recovery work and notice the difference. Becoming aware of our growth and allowing ourselves to enjoy how far we have come is a vital part of recovery. We may find areas requiring more work. That's healthy self awareness giving us the focus we need to continue on our journey.
This quiz and commentary was adapted from Deepak Chopra MD's book Ageless Body, Timeless Mind.
How much resistance are you in now? Our psychological defenses are extremely good at hiding this from us; by definition, stored-up emotions are the ones we can’t feel. However, resistance gives rise to a telltale behavior pattern—control. Having to be in control is a compulsion rooted in fear and threat.
Give yourself a point for each statement that applies to you frequently, most of the time, or almost always. Some of the statements do not sound very flattering, but try to be as candid and honest about yourself as you can.
1. I like to be in control of work situations and am much happier working alone than with others.
2. When I’m under pressure, the easiest emotion for me to show is anger or irritability.
3. I rarely tell anyone that I need them.
4. I tend to harbor old hurts. Rather than telling someone that he hurt me, I would rather fantasize about getting even.
5. I have quite a few resentments about the way my brothers and sisters relate to me.
6. The more money I spend on someone, the more that means I love them.
7. I keep to myself how unfairly others treat me.
8. If a relationship starts to go bad, I secretly wish I could take back everything I bought for that person.
9. If it’s my house, the people in it should follow my rules.
10. I find it hard to admit being vulnerable. I don’t often say “I’m wrong” and mean it.
11. It’s better to nurse my wounds than to show someone that I’m weak.
12. I’m a better talker than listener.
13. What I have to say is usually important.
14. I secretly think others don’t take my opinions as seriously as they should.
15. I have a pretty good sense of what’s good for people.
16. At least once in my life I got caught opening someone else’s mail.
17. People have called me cynical or negative.
18. I have high standards, which others sometimes mistake for criticism.
19. I tend to be a perfectionist. It bothers me to let a sloppy job go out.
20. I feel uncomfortable if someone gets too close to me emotionally.
21. After a relationship breaks up, I look back and think I was mostly right.
22. I’m neat and orderly. I like my way of doing things and find it hard to live with someone who is sloppy.
23. I’m good at scheduling my day and put a high value on punctuality.
24. I’m good at caring for other people’s needs, but then I get disappointed when they don’t think as much about mine.
25. I have a logical explanation for the way I act, even if others can’t always accept it.
26. I don’t care that much if other people don’t like me.
27. In my opinion, most people don’t usually express their true motives for the way they behave.
28. I’m not good at handling noisy or rambunctious children.
29. I still blame my parents for a lot of my problems, but I haven’t told them so.
30. When I get into an argument with my spouse or lover, I can’t resist bringing up old grievances.
0-10 points
Your personality isn’t dominated by an excessive need to be in control. You are likely to be comfortable with your feelings and tolerant of other people. You realize that you are imperfect, therefore you understand the failings of others. It is easy for you to let events take their own course, and surprises don’t throw you off balance. You probably place a high value on spontaneity and the expression of emotions.
10-20 points
Being in control is a frequent issue with you. You have more fears and hurt feelings than you let on, but you don’t work hard to resolve these feelings. Being in charge isn’t necessarily that important to you, but having your way usually is. You consider yourself organized and efficient, yet it isn’t a major event if things get a little out of control. You have found someone whom you can be honest and open with, but there are limits to how much you can safely say or do, even with that person.
Over 20 points
You are a controlling person. You feel that control is necessary because people hurt your feelings a lot, and your memory of this goes back into your painful childhood. To keep from being hurt more, you try to control your feelings, which basically means you are very selective about revealing yourself to others. Your overriding need to be in charge or to have things your way drives people away from you, despite the fact that you work very hard to take care of their needs. The only emotion you show easily is anger or irritability. You constantly explain your motives and give reasons for why you are the way you are, but somehow this doesn’t help you get you what you want, which is other people’s love and affection.
This quiz and commentary was adapted from Deepak Chopra MD's book Ageless Body, Timeless Mind.
How much resistance are you in now? Our psychological defenses are extremely good at hiding this from us; by definition, stored-up emotions are the ones we can’t feel. However, resistance gives rise to a telltale behavior pattern—control. Having to be in control is a compulsion rooted in fear and threat.
Give yourself a point for each statement that applies to you frequently, most of the time, or almost always. Some of the statements do not sound very flattering, but try to be as candid and honest about yourself as you can.
1. I like to be in control of work situations and am much happier working alone than with others.
2. When I’m under pressure, the easiest emotion for me to show is anger or irritability.
3. I rarely tell anyone that I need them.
4. I tend to harbor old hurts. Rather than telling someone that he hurt me, I would rather fantasize about getting even.
5. I have quite a few resentments about the way my brothers and sisters relate to me.
6. The more money I spend on someone, the more that means I love them.
7. I keep to myself how unfairly others treat me.
8. If a relationship starts to go bad, I secretly wish I could take back everything I bought for that person.
9. If it’s my house, the people in it should follow my rules.
10. I find it hard to admit being vulnerable. I don’t often say “I’m wrong” and mean it.
11. It’s better to nurse my wounds than to show someone that I’m weak.
12. I’m a better talker than listener.
13. What I have to say is usually important.
14. I secretly think others don’t take my opinions as seriously as they should.
15. I have a pretty good sense of what’s good for people.
16. At least once in my life I got caught opening someone else’s mail.
17. People have called me cynical or negative.
18. I have high standards, which others sometimes mistake for criticism.
19. I tend to be a perfectionist. It bothers me to let a sloppy job go out.
20. I feel uncomfortable if someone gets too close to me emotionally.
21. After a relationship breaks up, I look back and think I was mostly right.
22. I’m neat and orderly. I like my way of doing things and find it hard to live with someone who is sloppy.
23. I’m good at scheduling my day and put a high value on punctuality.
24. I’m good at caring for other people’s needs, but then I get disappointed when they don’t think as much about mine.
25. I have a logical explanation for the way I act, even if others can’t always accept it.
26. I don’t care that much if other people don’t like me.
27. In my opinion, most people don’t usually express their true motives for the way they behave.
28. I’m not good at handling noisy or rambunctious children.
29. I still blame my parents for a lot of my problems, but I haven’t told them so.
30. When I get into an argument with my spouse or lover, I can’t resist bringing up old grievances.
0-10 points
Your personality isn’t dominated by an excessive need to be in control. You are likely to be comfortable with your feelings and tolerant of other people. You realize that you are imperfect, therefore you understand the failings of others. It is easy for you to let events take their own course, and surprises don’t throw you off balance. You probably place a high value on spontaneity and the expression of emotions.
10-20 points
Being in control is a frequent issue with you. You have more fears and hurt feelings than you let on, but you don’t work hard to resolve these feelings. Being in charge isn’t necessarily that important to you, but having your way usually is. You consider yourself organized and efficient, yet it isn’t a major event if things get a little out of control. You have found someone whom you can be honest and open with, but there are limits to how much you can safely say or do, even with that person.
Over 20 points
You are a controlling person. You feel that control is necessary because people hurt your feelings a lot, and your memory of this goes back into your painful childhood. To keep from being hurt more, you try to control your feelings, which basically means you are very selective about revealing yourself to others. Your overriding need to be in charge or to have things your way drives people away from you, despite the fact that you work very hard to take care of their needs. The only emotion you show easily is anger or irritability. You constantly explain your motives and give reasons for why you are the way you are, but somehow this doesn’t help you get you what you want, which is other people’s love and affection.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Ask for Help
So often in our daily lives we encounter difficult situations that require we make a choice. Some choices are clear. Others require deliberation. We may want to mull over our options prior to committing to a path. We have many tools available to assist us in choosing. One tool at our disposal is: we can ask for help.
Too many times when challenges come before us we feel we must carry the burden of choosing alone. Society indicates through advertisement and marketing that somehow we are inept if we cannot decide an issue on our own. Some of us have been taught through our family of origin that asking for help will result in being shamed. We are now capable of making informed decisions about who it is safe to ask for help. We can trust our instincts and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. It is not necessary for us to pretend to know what to do in every situation. Perfection is not the goal.
There are areas in which each of us excel. Sharing our knowledge and abilities enables each of us to be stronger individuals. As we come in contact with others in our daily lives we have the opportunity to learn from each of them. Some contacts will teach us lessons about life, some interactions will give us insights into ourselves. Still some will cause us to suffer some unpleasantness. All these situations are presented to us as learning experiences from which we can benefit. We can choose to be open and allow ourselves to absorb the lessons that have been put before us.
Our goal is to take the information learned from each interaction and somehow incorporate it into our lives. In this way we grow and change. This is the path on which we encourage those around us to seek a more enlightened route for their lives. We become an example of recovery. Through using our tools we give ourselves the gift of improved self esteem and growth.
Too many times when challenges come before us we feel we must carry the burden of choosing alone. Society indicates through advertisement and marketing that somehow we are inept if we cannot decide an issue on our own. Some of us have been taught through our family of origin that asking for help will result in being shamed. We are now capable of making informed decisions about who it is safe to ask for help. We can trust our instincts and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. It is not necessary for us to pretend to know what to do in every situation. Perfection is not the goal.
There are areas in which each of us excel. Sharing our knowledge and abilities enables each of us to be stronger individuals. As we come in contact with others in our daily lives we have the opportunity to learn from each of them. Some contacts will teach us lessons about life, some interactions will give us insights into ourselves. Still some will cause us to suffer some unpleasantness. All these situations are presented to us as learning experiences from which we can benefit. We can choose to be open and allow ourselves to absorb the lessons that have been put before us.
Our goal is to take the information learned from each interaction and somehow incorporate it into our lives. In this way we grow and change. This is the path on which we encourage those around us to seek a more enlightened route for their lives. We become an example of recovery. Through using our tools we give ourselves the gift of improved self esteem and growth.
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