One of the most respected authors in the recovery field, Melody Beattie, said... Everything I have ever let go of has had claw marks on it.
Learning to let go is a lifelong process. The earliest lessons in our lives occur within our family of origin. These lessons teach us basic skills... what love feels like... how to relate to others... survival. When our family of origin is dysfunctional in some way we still learn lessons... but those lessons may be skewed. Instead of learning that love is positive and pleasurable we may learn that love equals pain. We may learn that interpersonal interaction include habits that no longer work... sending mixed messages... inability to communicate... fear of intimacy. These defense mechanisms probably served us well in the past... kept us safe... allowed us to survive in a dysfunctional environment. But these same defenses may be responsible for sabotaging our relationships in the present.
Letting go of outdated habits and defense mechanisms is hard work... but something we must strive to accomplish if we wish to succeed in our personal lives. We struggle to let go and get past the fears that keep us in emotional bondage. Lessons present themselves throughout our lives. If we pay attention and seek to learn we will grow and overcome. The lessons may be difficult but what we learn is worth the trials. Eventually we feel gratefulness for the guidance and wisdom the lessons provide. These lessons prepare us for the eventuality of letting go of this life.
Practicing self care... learning to pay attention to the lessons when we suffer losses... learning to let go... becoming grateful for the wisdom imparted via life's lessons... these are the goals of recovery.
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Holidays… Ugh!!
How do we cope with our strong feelings when we are dealing with someone who is unaware of how their behavior affects others?
Often times we are forced to deal with people… especially in family situations and surrounding holidays events… who are unaware of how their actions appear to others. It is common for us to believe that our intentions are visible, when in fact it is only our actions that can be seen and felt by those around us.
If others are feeling overwhelmed and their actions impact us, what can we do to practice self care? We use our tools… deep breathing… taking a walk… calling a friend… journaling… prayer… letting go. If necessary we give ourselves permission to leave the situation and take a time out until we feel more balanced. We cannot be emotionally present for others if we are not practicing self care. If practical, we can return once we are centered to discuss the situation in an attempt to resolve issues.
Part of self care is effectively managing expectations. If we have a history of unresolved issues involving family, we must learn to expect whatever family dynamics exist to continue. We can choose not to participate in unhealthy situations. We expect many change back messages from those who are uncomfortable with our growth. We can understand their discomfort… empathize… and still maintain our healthy boundaries.
The holidays can be an especially trying time as we interact with our family of origin. Old issues that lie beneath the surface may be triggered by interactions with siblings, parents or extended family. We owe it to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care and manage expectations. In this way we have the ability to spend our time with our families while still maintaining healthy boundaries and working on more positive interactions.
Often times we are forced to deal with people… especially in family situations and surrounding holidays events… who are unaware of how their actions appear to others. It is common for us to believe that our intentions are visible, when in fact it is only our actions that can be seen and felt by those around us.
If others are feeling overwhelmed and their actions impact us, what can we do to practice self care? We use our tools… deep breathing… taking a walk… calling a friend… journaling… prayer… letting go. If necessary we give ourselves permission to leave the situation and take a time out until we feel more balanced. We cannot be emotionally present for others if we are not practicing self care. If practical, we can return once we are centered to discuss the situation in an attempt to resolve issues.
Part of self care is effectively managing expectations. If we have a history of unresolved issues involving family, we must learn to expect whatever family dynamics exist to continue. We can choose not to participate in unhealthy situations. We expect many change back messages from those who are uncomfortable with our growth. We can understand their discomfort… empathize… and still maintain our healthy boundaries.
The holidays can be an especially trying time as we interact with our family of origin. Old issues that lie beneath the surface may be triggered by interactions with siblings, parents or extended family. We owe it to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care and manage expectations. In this way we have the ability to spend our time with our families while still maintaining healthy boundaries and working on more positive interactions.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
$9 Million Awarded to Betrayed Partner From Paramour
Is it an effective remedy to award monetary damages from the paramour to the betrayed partner?
People betray others in relationships. This is a fact that is not new to mankind. Betrayal is not limited to adultery... there are plenty of ways to betray one's partner. This particular monetary award is about adultery.
When we seek out counseling we almost never talk about our own involvement in the betrayal. We are obsessed with blame and anguish. It is expected and understandable... we are suffering with extreme levels of pain and loss.
As time passes and the hurt begins to heal, our ability to see our own piece in the puzzle, no matter how tiny, begins to clarify. It is at this point that we start to have the ability to let go of the pain and loss and true healing can begin.
What happens when we never let go of the pain and loss? We stay angry. Over time that anger hardens into bitterness and resentment. Bitter resentful people don't move on from living in the past. We don't enjoy the present because we are too busy embracing our righteous path of constantly remembering how we were wronged.
One who pursues this type of monetary reward is still living with their focus in the past. There may be a real need for funds... that is not the issue. There are many ways to get the funds that have been awarded and not paid via family court routes. This award is about punishment and retribution.
My question is... when this case is over and the betrayed partner has collected whatever they get of the $9 Million...
Will they then live in the present?
Will they then feel happy?
Will they then be a whole person?
I think not... they will still feel the bitterness and resentment that they have chosen to focus on for so long... because money can't fix that.
Money is a tool. It can be used for constructive or destructive purposes.
It has no intrinsic value of it's own.
People betray others in relationships. This is a fact that is not new to mankind. Betrayal is not limited to adultery... there are plenty of ways to betray one's partner. This particular monetary award is about adultery.
When we seek out counseling we almost never talk about our own involvement in the betrayal. We are obsessed with blame and anguish. It is expected and understandable... we are suffering with extreme levels of pain and loss.
As time passes and the hurt begins to heal, our ability to see our own piece in the puzzle, no matter how tiny, begins to clarify. It is at this point that we start to have the ability to let go of the pain and loss and true healing can begin.
What happens when we never let go of the pain and loss? We stay angry. Over time that anger hardens into bitterness and resentment. Bitter resentful people don't move on from living in the past. We don't enjoy the present because we are too busy embracing our righteous path of constantly remembering how we were wronged.
One who pursues this type of monetary reward is still living with their focus in the past. There may be a real need for funds... that is not the issue. There are many ways to get the funds that have been awarded and not paid via family court routes. This award is about punishment and retribution.
My question is... when this case is over and the betrayed partner has collected whatever they get of the $9 Million...
Will they then live in the present?
Will they then feel happy?
Will they then be a whole person?
I think not... they will still feel the bitterness and resentment that they have chosen to focus on for so long... because money can't fix that.
Money is a tool. It can be used for constructive or destructive purposes.
It has no intrinsic value of it's own.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
What is the Purpose of Our Relationships?
Every relationship arrives in our lives to give us the opportunity for healing. What we do with that opportunity is our choice. If we waste it trying the same old behaviors that didn't work for us in the past, we can repeat the same old mistakes and get the same lousey results.
If we decide to do our recovery work and begin the journey within, we may find that we have been presented with the same lesson again and again. Our Higher Power has the patience and all the time in the world to teach us the lessons we need to improve our lives. If we don't learn our lessons, they are repeated over and over again until we finally get it. Once we learn the lesson, the next one is presented.
Each time we have a choice... it's okay to lose, just as long as we don't lose the lesson.
Here are some of my lessons...
I learned patience, tolerance, forgiveness, wisdom, kindness, generosity, and letting go from my relationship with my son's Dad after we no longer lived together.
I have learned tenderness, love, gentleness, loyalty, respect, acceptance and that change can be safe in my relationship with my partner.
I have learned to let go and allow my son to become his own person, a capable adult.
These were all difficult lessons. Some hurt a great deal, some left me with scars that remind me of the difficulty of the lesson every day. But all of them are lessons I needed to learn to be the person I have become. I regret none of them.
The most important lesson of all I saved for last... trust... I learned that from my Higher Power
If we decide to do our recovery work and begin the journey within, we may find that we have been presented with the same lesson again and again. Our Higher Power has the patience and all the time in the world to teach us the lessons we need to improve our lives. If we don't learn our lessons, they are repeated over and over again until we finally get it. Once we learn the lesson, the next one is presented.
Each time we have a choice... it's okay to lose, just as long as we don't lose the lesson.
Here are some of my lessons...
I learned patience, tolerance, forgiveness, wisdom, kindness, generosity, and letting go from my relationship with my son's Dad after we no longer lived together.
I have learned tenderness, love, gentleness, loyalty, respect, acceptance and that change can be safe in my relationship with my partner.
I have learned to let go and allow my son to become his own person, a capable adult.
These were all difficult lessons. Some hurt a great deal, some left me with scars that remind me of the difficulty of the lesson every day. But all of them are lessons I needed to learn to be the person I have become. I regret none of them.
The most important lesson of all I saved for last... trust... I learned that from my Higher Power
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Make NOW the Most Precious Time
About thirty minutes went by and suddenly I came to the end. It was not at all a Christmas story. I recall sitting very still in that moment and realizing that I had never actually noticed the passage of time in quite the same way. The message of the book was astounding... and I realized for the first time in my life that the most precious commodity I had was time.
Those thirty minutes changed by perception permanently. I had a new goal... a new view of what mattered to me.
Later on that evening I was watching television... a drama that I enjoyed and one of the characters said, "Make now the most precious time. Now will never come again." I was stunned. I was getting the message again.
The next day I was chatting with several other folks and someone said, "If one is using one's time fretting about the past or worrying about the future, no energy is left for the present." Again... the same message. This was more than mere coincidence.
This time I gave the concept serious thought. Was I wasting my energies fretting over the past? I thought I had moved on from that place... had I some remaining strings still holding me captive? What about the future? Was I worrying about outcomes... not having faith in the path my Higher Power had placed before me? Was I trying to exert control where I had none?
The answers eluded me but I made a decision to redouble my efforts at letting go. I would work harder on my recovery... make every moment count. Suddenly I burst out laughing. That was exactly the message... living the moment... making each moment count... not working harder at recovery or letting go, but actually being present... emotionally and spiritually present in each wonderful moment.
I realized that if I put my energy into being fully alive in each moment that I would no longer make time available for fretting or worry. It was a choice... a choice I could make each moment of my life.
Monday, November 16, 2009
The God Box
The hardest part about splitting up isn't leaving the person... it's saying goodbye to all the hopes and dreams we had when we met.
One of the exercises we are given is to take a pretty box... whether we buy one at a $1 store or make one ourseves, it doesn't matter. We can use a favorite urn, vase or any covered dish if we like. I use a ginger jar with a cover that I made in a ceramics class. Some folks use a family heirloom that has meaning to them. Whatever you choose will work for you.
We hand write all our hopes and dreams we had for our relationship on a couple of sheets of our favorite note paper. The more we cherish the note paper the better. If you aren't into pretty note paper, that's okay. Any paper will do. It is important that we write this exercise ourself. We absorb more of what we are doing when we use multiple senses, sight, touch and hearing.
We read over what we have written aloud. It should be a comprehensive list of all the dreams we had for our relationship and the future we thought we would have together. We say a prayer to let go of them all. We listen to our heart. If our feelings begin to come to the surface, we allow ourselves the time to feel whatever is within. We let ourself grieve as fully as we need.
We empty the trash bin underneath our shredder. We put the sheets through our shredder then collect them from the trash bin and put the shredded sheets in the God box. What ever we place within is what we are giving over to our Higher Power.
This is an exercise in letting go. We shred the sheets as a symbol of the fact that once we give them to our Higher Power we won't take them back. We place the sheets in the box and say a brief prayer, finally giving these hopes and dreams to our Higher Power.
When we enter into a new relationship we create new hopes and dreams, we don't revive the old ones... but first we have to let go of the ones we already created to make room for new ones.
We make a God box for ourself and use it frequently, whenever we have to let go of something. One of my favorite authors, Melody Beattie, once said... "I never let go of anything that didn't have claw marks on it."
Me too...
One of the exercises we are given is to take a pretty box... whether we buy one at a $1 store or make one ourseves, it doesn't matter. We can use a favorite urn, vase or any covered dish if we like. I use a ginger jar with a cover that I made in a ceramics class. Some folks use a family heirloom that has meaning to them. Whatever you choose will work for you.
We hand write all our hopes and dreams we had for our relationship on a couple of sheets of our favorite note paper. The more we cherish the note paper the better. If you aren't into pretty note paper, that's okay. Any paper will do. It is important that we write this exercise ourself. We absorb more of what we are doing when we use multiple senses, sight, touch and hearing.
We read over what we have written aloud. It should be a comprehensive list of all the dreams we had for our relationship and the future we thought we would have together. We say a prayer to let go of them all. We listen to our heart. If our feelings begin to come to the surface, we allow ourselves the time to feel whatever is within. We let ourself grieve as fully as we need.
We empty the trash bin underneath our shredder. We put the sheets through our shredder then collect them from the trash bin and put the shredded sheets in the God box. What ever we place within is what we are giving over to our Higher Power.
This is an exercise in letting go. We shred the sheets as a symbol of the fact that once we give them to our Higher Power we won't take them back. We place the sheets in the box and say a brief prayer, finally giving these hopes and dreams to our Higher Power.
When we enter into a new relationship we create new hopes and dreams, we don't revive the old ones... but first we have to let go of the ones we already created to make room for new ones.
We make a God box for ourself and use it frequently, whenever we have to let go of something. One of my favorite authors, Melody Beattie, once said... "I never let go of anything that didn't have claw marks on it."
Me too...
Monday, November 9, 2009
Can I Learn to Let Go & Forgive?
What does it mean to let go? Why is it important? What does it have to do with forgiveness?
Letting go doesn't mean letting things go. Letting go means not trying to control other people or outcomes in situations. It means letting the universe unfold naturally. When we try to control anything we cannot, that thing ends up controlling us. Letting go means... Let go and let God. It means we stop trying to do our Higher Power's job and let our Higher Power handle it.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that we believe that our partners unkind actions are acceptable. Forgiveness means that we have let go of the anger, the need for revenge, the need to punish and allowed ourselves to get out of the way so that the our partner can experience the natural consequences of their actions... without our interference. Consequences happen in their own time... not in ours... so patience is a part of the process as well.
Forgiveness is a part of letting go. When we forgive we decide we are no longer going to allow the actions of our partner to continue to control us. It does not mean that we believe their behavior is acceptable or that we necessarily tell them they are forgiven. It is something we do within our own heart that we share with our Higher Power. Forgiveness is internal, just like letting go and compassion. It is not something we advertise, just a decision we make within our hearts and with the guidance of our Higher Power.
These two recovery concepts may seem to go against everything that feels natural and normal. It may feel reasonable to remain angry, punish or exact revenge. The reality of the situation is that the angry feelings and all that accompany them, them are a toxin for our emotional health. Keeping ourselves in a state of agitation due to a lack of forgiveness, is akin to taking poison and waiting for our partner to die.
In time the wisdom of the words of these recovery principles will become understandable to us. It's okay to not be ready to hear them initially. Each of us becomes ready in our own time. We learn that if we have patience, all will become clear to us. Someday we will be a shining example to everyone we meet of the benefits of recovery work.
Letting go doesn't mean letting things go. Letting go means not trying to control other people or outcomes in situations. It means letting the universe unfold naturally. When we try to control anything we cannot, that thing ends up controlling us. Letting go means... Let go and let God. It means we stop trying to do our Higher Power's job and let our Higher Power handle it.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that we believe that our partners unkind actions are acceptable. Forgiveness means that we have let go of the anger, the need for revenge, the need to punish and allowed ourselves to get out of the way so that the our partner can experience the natural consequences of their actions... without our interference. Consequences happen in their own time... not in ours... so patience is a part of the process as well.
Forgiveness is a part of letting go. When we forgive we decide we are no longer going to allow the actions of our partner to continue to control us. It does not mean that we believe their behavior is acceptable or that we necessarily tell them they are forgiven. It is something we do within our own heart that we share with our Higher Power. Forgiveness is internal, just like letting go and compassion. It is not something we advertise, just a decision we make within our hearts and with the guidance of our Higher Power.
These two recovery concepts may seem to go against everything that feels natural and normal. It may feel reasonable to remain angry, punish or exact revenge. The reality of the situation is that the angry feelings and all that accompany them, them are a toxin for our emotional health. Keeping ourselves in a state of agitation due to a lack of forgiveness, is akin to taking poison and waiting for our partner to die.
In time the wisdom of the words of these recovery principles will become understandable to us. It's okay to not be ready to hear them initially. Each of us becomes ready in our own time. We learn that if we have patience, all will become clear to us. Someday we will be a shining example to everyone we meet of the benefits of recovery work.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Does My Partner Need An Intervention?
Sometimes in our lives our partner becomes hostage to some sort of addiction. We may be unable to help our partner alone. We may need the assistance of others in doing what is called an intervention. An intervention is done when we believe that our partner's addiction has grown to the point of interfering with their ability to live their life... when their addiction is creating serious problems for them and those they love. Here is an excellent piece by Debra Jay explaining in detail the process and promise of intervention.
How to Help a Loved One Who Doesn't Want Help by Debra Jay
The friends and relatives of addicts often feel forced to make a painful choice -- endure the addict’s destructive behavior or cut the addict out of their lives. There is a third option -- stage an intervention.
An intervention is a group effort by family and friends to convince an addict to seek treatment. Despite the widespread belief that addicts never change their ways until they hit bottom and are desperate for help, 80% to 85% of addicts agree to accept treatment when confronted with an intervention.
Interventions can be effective with drug addicts... alcoholics... gambling addicts... people with eating disorders... even seniors who refuse to acknowledge that it is no longer safe for them to live alone or drive a car.
How to make an intervention work... select the group... The power of interventions lies in the power of groups. Many addicts are masters of manipulating the individuals in their lives, but they find it more difficult to argue when those individuals join together. Contact the people the addict most loves, respects, needs, likes and admires. This typically means relatives and friends but also could include the addict’s coworkers, boss, neighbors, clergy and/or doctors. Explain that you are exploring the possibility of staging an intervention, and ask if they will attend a meeting to discuss this. At this point, do not ask anyone to commit to taking part in the intervention. The meeting is for them to learn more about the process.
Try to build a group of between three and eight people. Fewer, and you won’t have the power of a group on your side... more, and the intervention process could become too drawn out. Helpful: When staging an intervention for a parent or grandparent, include people from the addict’s generation or older. This increases the odds that the addict will respect the group’s opinion. Exclude anyone whom the addict strongly dislikes... anyone who is currently an addict him/herself... and anyone whom you suspect will be unable to keep the intervention plan secret from the addict.
When the group meets, explain why you think the addict’s behavior needs to be addressed and invite everyone present to share how the addict’s behavior has harmed him/her. Explain that an intervention is the most effective way to convince an addict to agree to treatment. Mention that the addict must not know about the intervention in advance, or he might not attend. Also... Have the group select a chairperson. This individual must be respected by the addict and be capable of remaining cool and responding intelligently if the addict argues.
Alternative: Hire a professional interventionist to serve as chairperson and plan and conduct the intervention. An addiction treatment center or support organization can help you find one. Expect to pay $2,500 to $5,000. If you would like assistance but cannot afford to hire a professional, you might be able to enlist the help of a member of the clergy or a member of your local Alcoholics Anonymous (or Narcotics Anonymous).
Ask every member of your intervention group to write a letter to the addict prior to the intervention. These letters will be read during the intervention, not mailed. They should follow this structure... Start with a heartfelt message of affection. Explain why you truly love, respect and/or admire the addict. Discuss some of his best qualities. This should be the longest part of the letter. Explain how the addiction is causing problems for you. Cite one to three specific, firsthand experiences from the past 12 months. Example: "You borrowed $3,000 from me in March, lost it gambling and never repaid me." Close the letter by reiterating your care and concern for the addict. Write in the first-person singular. Do not try to speak for anyone but yourself. Format it as you would an actual letter. Example: Open with "Dear Bob," and conclude with "Your loving brother, Tom." Each letter should be one-half to two double-spaced pages in length.
Have each group member prepare a separate written "bottom line" statement as well, to be read only if the addict initially refuses treatment. These bottom line statements lay out the consequences of not accepting help. Example: A wife might tell her husband that he cannot live in their house any longer if he refuses treatment... a parent or friend might say that there will be no more loans... an adult child might say that there will be no more visits by the grandkids.
Explain to the group the inpatient residential treatment options available to the addict. Before the group meets, research the options. A list of treatment centers can be found on our Web site http://link.bls.bottomlinesecrets.com/r/94J3NM/9Z45V/88XP3/2AWAL/RN9FG/XL/h/. Determine what the addict’s health insurance will cover... or ask if members of your intervention group will help pay the costs. Choose a treatment facility, and make arrangements for the addict’s arrival.
Hold an intervention rehearsal prior to the actual intervention. Ask the group to read their letters aloud, and strive together to edit out any anger -- voicing anger will only inspire anger from the addict. Decide the order in which the letters will be presented. The first and last presenters should be the two group members most loved and respected by the addict, to decrease the odds that the addict will walk out of the intervention at these crucial moments.
Schedule the intervention for a time when the addict is likely to be sober -- morning often is best. Hold it at the home of someone the addict respects.
The intervention: Let the addict believe that he is visiting this home for a different purpose, such as for a meal or to pick up money promised him. It will be obvious that this is not so once the addict steps through the door. The group all should be there before the addict arrives. To keep the addict from leaving, a close friend or family member should take the addict by the arm and guide him to a seat on a couch between two people he loves, with the rest of the group facing them. The chairperson should explain that the group has gathered because of their love and concern for the addict, and ask group members to read their letters.
After the letters are read, the chairperson should ask the addict if he is willing to accept the help that the group is offering. The addict is likely to offer objections (see below). If the addict refuses help, each group member should read his bottom line statement. If the addict tries to leave, the chairman should follow and try to convince the addict to return.
If help is accepted, bring the addict immediately to a treatment facility. Have a bag packed and someone ready to provide transportation. If the addict needs to make personal arrangements, allow this only from a cell phone in the car on the way to treatment.
Many addicts initially voice objections at an intervention. The intervention chairman must be ready with calm responses. Common addict arguments... "I don’t have a problem" or "I have my problem under control." To respond say, "People with this addiction usually are the last to realize that they have a problem. It’s time to get a professional’s assessment. If you don’t have a problem, a treatment center will let you know." Another argument may be toward a person in the group "You drink or gamble, etc., too." The response from is from the chairman (not the group member whom the addict has accused of sharing the problem) who should say, "Today we’re talking about you." If the addict persists, add, "The issue isn’t who drinks -- it’s what happens when we drink. For you, drinking alcohol causes problems." Another statement might be "I have one or two beers a day." This needs a response, but don’t get drawn into a debate about exactly how much the addict drinks (or uses drugs... or gambles). Instead say, "However much you drink, your behavior tells us it is too much." Another argument might be "I don’t need treatment. I can stop on my own." This too requires a response: Say, "The odds of success are better with help." If the addict refuses to budge on this issue, at least obtain a promise that the addict will stop drinking/taking drugs completely and seek treatment if he touches alcohol/drugs again, even once. Another statement might be "I can’t go to rehab, I have to go to work... take care of my dog... pay my bills (or some other responsibility)." This requires a response: Anticipate excuses, and before the intervention, recruit members of the group to handle the addict’s chores while he/she is away... pay the cost of treatment or determine whether it is covered by the addict’s health insurance... and/or explore the addict’s employer’s medical leave policy.
We cannot control the behavior of others. At the same time we cannot ignore it when someone we love is destroying themselves and their life as a result of addiction. Intervention is a tool available to us to assist us in getting our lives and our partners life back on track if the need arises. Of course, as our partner recovers from their addiction we continue to practice self care and letting go. In this way we continue on our path of recovery.
How to Help a Loved One Who Doesn't Want Help by Debra Jay
The friends and relatives of addicts often feel forced to make a painful choice -- endure the addict’s destructive behavior or cut the addict out of their lives. There is a third option -- stage an intervention.
An intervention is a group effort by family and friends to convince an addict to seek treatment. Despite the widespread belief that addicts never change their ways until they hit bottom and are desperate for help, 80% to 85% of addicts agree to accept treatment when confronted with an intervention.
Interventions can be effective with drug addicts... alcoholics... gambling addicts... people with eating disorders... even seniors who refuse to acknowledge that it is no longer safe for them to live alone or drive a car.
How to make an intervention work... select the group... The power of interventions lies in the power of groups. Many addicts are masters of manipulating the individuals in their lives, but they find it more difficult to argue when those individuals join together. Contact the people the addict most loves, respects, needs, likes and admires. This typically means relatives and friends but also could include the addict’s coworkers, boss, neighbors, clergy and/or doctors. Explain that you are exploring the possibility of staging an intervention, and ask if they will attend a meeting to discuss this. At this point, do not ask anyone to commit to taking part in the intervention. The meeting is for them to learn more about the process.
Try to build a group of between three and eight people. Fewer, and you won’t have the power of a group on your side... more, and the intervention process could become too drawn out. Helpful: When staging an intervention for a parent or grandparent, include people from the addict’s generation or older. This increases the odds that the addict will respect the group’s opinion. Exclude anyone whom the addict strongly dislikes... anyone who is currently an addict him/herself... and anyone whom you suspect will be unable to keep the intervention plan secret from the addict.
When the group meets, explain why you think the addict’s behavior needs to be addressed and invite everyone present to share how the addict’s behavior has harmed him/her. Explain that an intervention is the most effective way to convince an addict to agree to treatment. Mention that the addict must not know about the intervention in advance, or he might not attend. Also... Have the group select a chairperson. This individual must be respected by the addict and be capable of remaining cool and responding intelligently if the addict argues.
Alternative: Hire a professional interventionist to serve as chairperson and plan and conduct the intervention. An addiction treatment center or support organization can help you find one. Expect to pay $2,500 to $5,000. If you would like assistance but cannot afford to hire a professional, you might be able to enlist the help of a member of the clergy or a member of your local Alcoholics Anonymous (or Narcotics Anonymous).
Ask every member of your intervention group to write a letter to the addict prior to the intervention. These letters will be read during the intervention, not mailed. They should follow this structure... Start with a heartfelt message of affection. Explain why you truly love, respect and/or admire the addict. Discuss some of his best qualities. This should be the longest part of the letter. Explain how the addiction is causing problems for you. Cite one to three specific, firsthand experiences from the past 12 months. Example: "You borrowed $3,000 from me in March, lost it gambling and never repaid me." Close the letter by reiterating your care and concern for the addict. Write in the first-person singular. Do not try to speak for anyone but yourself. Format it as you would an actual letter. Example: Open with "Dear Bob," and conclude with "Your loving brother, Tom." Each letter should be one-half to two double-spaced pages in length.
Have each group member prepare a separate written "bottom line" statement as well, to be read only if the addict initially refuses treatment. These bottom line statements lay out the consequences of not accepting help. Example: A wife might tell her husband that he cannot live in their house any longer if he refuses treatment... a parent or friend might say that there will be no more loans... an adult child might say that there will be no more visits by the grandkids.
Explain to the group the inpatient residential treatment options available to the addict. Before the group meets, research the options. A list of treatment centers can be found on our Web site http://link.bls.bottomlinesecrets.com/r/94J3NM/9Z45V/88XP3/2AWAL/RN9FG/XL/h/. Determine what the addict’s health insurance will cover... or ask if members of your intervention group will help pay the costs. Choose a treatment facility, and make arrangements for the addict’s arrival.
Hold an intervention rehearsal prior to the actual intervention. Ask the group to read their letters aloud, and strive together to edit out any anger -- voicing anger will only inspire anger from the addict. Decide the order in which the letters will be presented. The first and last presenters should be the two group members most loved and respected by the addict, to decrease the odds that the addict will walk out of the intervention at these crucial moments.
Schedule the intervention for a time when the addict is likely to be sober -- morning often is best. Hold it at the home of someone the addict respects.
The intervention: Let the addict believe that he is visiting this home for a different purpose, such as for a meal or to pick up money promised him. It will be obvious that this is not so once the addict steps through the door. The group all should be there before the addict arrives. To keep the addict from leaving, a close friend or family member should take the addict by the arm and guide him to a seat on a couch between two people he loves, with the rest of the group facing them. The chairperson should explain that the group has gathered because of their love and concern for the addict, and ask group members to read their letters.
After the letters are read, the chairperson should ask the addict if he is willing to accept the help that the group is offering. The addict is likely to offer objections (see below). If the addict refuses help, each group member should read his bottom line statement. If the addict tries to leave, the chairman should follow and try to convince the addict to return.
If help is accepted, bring the addict immediately to a treatment facility. Have a bag packed and someone ready to provide transportation. If the addict needs to make personal arrangements, allow this only from a cell phone in the car on the way to treatment.
Many addicts initially voice objections at an intervention. The intervention chairman must be ready with calm responses. Common addict arguments... "I don’t have a problem" or "I have my problem under control." To respond say, "People with this addiction usually are the last to realize that they have a problem. It’s time to get a professional’s assessment. If you don’t have a problem, a treatment center will let you know." Another argument may be toward a person in the group "You drink or gamble, etc., too." The response from is from the chairman (not the group member whom the addict has accused of sharing the problem) who should say, "Today we’re talking about you." If the addict persists, add, "The issue isn’t who drinks -- it’s what happens when we drink. For you, drinking alcohol causes problems." Another statement might be "I have one or two beers a day." This needs a response, but don’t get drawn into a debate about exactly how much the addict drinks (or uses drugs... or gambles). Instead say, "However much you drink, your behavior tells us it is too much." Another argument might be "I don’t need treatment. I can stop on my own." This too requires a response: Say, "The odds of success are better with help." If the addict refuses to budge on this issue, at least obtain a promise that the addict will stop drinking/taking drugs completely and seek treatment if he touches alcohol/drugs again, even once. Another statement might be "I can’t go to rehab, I have to go to work... take care of my dog... pay my bills (or some other responsibility)." This requires a response: Anticipate excuses, and before the intervention, recruit members of the group to handle the addict’s chores while he/she is away... pay the cost of treatment or determine whether it is covered by the addict’s health insurance... and/or explore the addict’s employer’s medical leave policy.
We cannot control the behavior of others. At the same time we cannot ignore it when someone we love is destroying themselves and their life as a result of addiction. Intervention is a tool available to us to assist us in getting our lives and our partners life back on track if the need arises. Of course, as our partner recovers from their addiction we continue to practice self care and letting go. In this way we continue on our path of recovery.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
How Can I Practice Self Care in My Relationship?
One of the first things we learn in recovery is that we can't control anyone but ourselves. Once we let go of trying to control people, things and outcomes, we have a much better chance at changing the one thing we do have control over... ourselves.
Owning our power, as opposed to giving it to our partner in the form of seeking approval, is one example of self care. We begin to complete our daily activities for our own reasons, to please ourselves, rather than to glean an approving nod or comment from our partner. When we place our partner in the role of judge, we give away our power.
The acronym H.A.L.T.S. is an effective way to remember areas that may provide room for conflict... hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad or scared. These six key areas may be triggers, leading us to use defense mechanisms to ease our discomfort. Recognizing that we are experiencing one of these feelings may be a boost to self understanding. We can practice self care (eat when hungry, take a time out for anger, call a friend if lonely, nap if tired, figure out why we are sad or scared and allow ourselves to be vulnerable by sharing) before we react to our partner, possibly avoiding negative interactions.
Some things in relationships are unchangeable. Basic personality traits of our partner may be something we must learn to accept, whether we are thrilled by all of them or not. For some, gratefulness is a way out. Gratefulness allow us to be aware of the blessings we already have and helps us to focus our attention in those areas. Once we are truly grateful for the blessings we already have in our lives, we are ripe for receiving more. It may help to keep a gratefulness journal where we write down five things for which we are grateful each day before bed. Over time we see that we have a full and wonderful life. This journal can be a great tool to read when we are feeling upset or out of balance and want to center ourselves.
The habit of keeping score is common in relationships. It can create difficulties for many reasons. When we lose sight of our contribution within the grand scheme of things, when we begin to see ourselves as the victim, we have become out of balance. We begin to focus on taking care of ourselves and practice using our tools in our daily lives, we may begin to give up the practice of keeping score. We realize that we are once again trying to control people, things and outcomes. We practice letting go and allowing outcomes to develop naturally along with gratefulness for all that we have been given in this world.
We are on the road to a wonderfully balanced inter-dependent relationship. The kind that brings much joy to partners. We work toward receiving the many blessings that a fulfilling relationship and life together has to offer!
Owning our power, as opposed to giving it to our partner in the form of seeking approval, is one example of self care. We begin to complete our daily activities for our own reasons, to please ourselves, rather than to glean an approving nod or comment from our partner. When we place our partner in the role of judge, we give away our power.
The acronym H.A.L.T.S. is an effective way to remember areas that may provide room for conflict... hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad or scared. These six key areas may be triggers, leading us to use defense mechanisms to ease our discomfort. Recognizing that we are experiencing one of these feelings may be a boost to self understanding. We can practice self care (eat when hungry, take a time out for anger, call a friend if lonely, nap if tired, figure out why we are sad or scared and allow ourselves to be vulnerable by sharing) before we react to our partner, possibly avoiding negative interactions.
Some things in relationships are unchangeable. Basic personality traits of our partner may be something we must learn to accept, whether we are thrilled by all of them or not. For some, gratefulness is a way out. Gratefulness allow us to be aware of the blessings we already have and helps us to focus our attention in those areas. Once we are truly grateful for the blessings we already have in our lives, we are ripe for receiving more. It may help to keep a gratefulness journal where we write down five things for which we are grateful each day before bed. Over time we see that we have a full and wonderful life. This journal can be a great tool to read when we are feeling upset or out of balance and want to center ourselves.
The habit of keeping score is common in relationships. It can create difficulties for many reasons. When we lose sight of our contribution within the grand scheme of things, when we begin to see ourselves as the victim, we have become out of balance. We begin to focus on taking care of ourselves and practice using our tools in our daily lives, we may begin to give up the practice of keeping score. We realize that we are once again trying to control people, things and outcomes. We practice letting go and allowing outcomes to develop naturally along with gratefulness for all that we have been given in this world.
We are on the road to a wonderfully balanced inter-dependent relationship. The kind that brings much joy to partners. We work toward receiving the many blessings that a fulfilling relationship and life together has to offer!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Saying Goodbye to Hopes and Dreams
We can help ourselves heal by creating new hopes and dreams for our lives and letting go of the old ones. The more detailed our new hopes and dreams are and the more committed we are to them the better we will feel. We take the time to write them down and put them up in a place where we can see them everyday. Maybe on the bathroom mirror in crayon, or on the front of the fridge with a magnet. Anyplace will do.
It can also help to write a letter to our Higher Power detailing why we feel so badly and how much the loss of our hopes and dreams has hurt. We delineate in as much detail as possible what those hopes and dreams were, then take the letter, shred it, and put in into our special "God Box".
Our "God Box" is the place where we let go of old hurts. It sounds corny, but the act of doing the exercise makes this part of self care work. We take a box, dress it up to suit our fancy and make certain it has a cover that fits. We can use a fancy vase, an old tobacco jar or anything we like. Just pick something that has meaning to us.
We take our shredded letter and place it gently in the box. We ask our Higher Power to take the burden of our loss from us, give thanks in gratefulness that it is done and replace the cover. Then we let it go.
We practice this tool as often as we need. We can use our "God Box" to let go of anything or anyone we feel we are trying to control or are having trouble just leaving behind. We can use it for hope and renewal whenever we feel we are at the end of our rope. We use it to learn to let go. In doing so we give ourselves the gift of peace.
![Reblog this post [with Zemanta]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_s45k3vR4bWn-XOG6jhEsU7BgtvlsQW_dVAr48vl34ciN1MXIfh4Fg7Nh9h6NB0LjLmhNTv0lm48PkJKOfV7WzCz2Z-WlE5QTw7Fv9xdqBUzh-lllW1mVtVfMkoo8NipEpsZ-8q_9sEhf2wuQVT0bQ=s0-d)
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Dearest Readers
Dearest readers... absence from my blog for the last three days has been the result of a family difficulty that erupted during this past week. This was a dose of reality that was quite distasteful. Fortunately I was able to reach into my tool bag and find that I had the tools to help me get through this very difficult time. I used all the tools available to ease my stress.
After the initial shock coursed through my system, I got a jolt of adrenaline. My mind began to focus on assembling the information I would need to make the decisions that might lie ahead. I began by assessing the situation. I then called those who could inform me as to the options available and the probable course of action that would occur. I followed by informing those who might be of assistance. I then proceeded to my home to do some sorely needed self care and avail myself of support.
I had no other choice but to await the outcome. There was no path available for my involvement. This was the hardest part of all... waiting for results which might take hours or days. I took this waiting time to practice detachment, letting go, prayer, trusting in my higher power, allowing myself to receive love and support, and the wisdom of the flow of the universe. I read a wise thought: take a lesson from the clock, it passes time by keeping it's hands busy. I kept myself busy over the course of the next three days. It was a very difficult time, but I was able to keep myself centered and calm as much as possible. I am grateful that I have practiced using my tools in my daily life. They are always with me. I would not have made it through this extremely stressful time without them. I trust that my higher power has a plan for my life and those in my family.
I share these thought with you, dear readers, that you might have the belief and confidence in the tools that we share to practice using them in your daily lives. When we are tested, as happens in each and every life, we will be adept at using our tools. We will be able to get ourselves through the trials we face. We will emerge with increased self esteem, believing that we can triumph regardless of our circumstances. We are the sum of our values and beliefs. We can rely on ourselves to make appropriate choices. We are capable.
After the initial shock coursed through my system, I got a jolt of adrenaline. My mind began to focus on assembling the information I would need to make the decisions that might lie ahead. I began by assessing the situation. I then called those who could inform me as to the options available and the probable course of action that would occur. I followed by informing those who might be of assistance. I then proceeded to my home to do some sorely needed self care and avail myself of support.
I had no other choice but to await the outcome. There was no path available for my involvement. This was the hardest part of all... waiting for results which might take hours or days. I took this waiting time to practice detachment, letting go, prayer, trusting in my higher power, allowing myself to receive love and support, and the wisdom of the flow of the universe. I read a wise thought: take a lesson from the clock, it passes time by keeping it's hands busy. I kept myself busy over the course of the next three days. It was a very difficult time, but I was able to keep myself centered and calm as much as possible. I am grateful that I have practiced using my tools in my daily life. They are always with me. I would not have made it through this extremely stressful time without them. I trust that my higher power has a plan for my life and those in my family.
I share these thought with you, dear readers, that you might have the belief and confidence in the tools that we share to practice using them in your daily lives. When we are tested, as happens in each and every life, we will be adept at using our tools. We will be able to get ourselves through the trials we face. We will emerge with increased self esteem, believing that we can triumph regardless of our circumstances. We are the sum of our values and beliefs. We can rely on ourselves to make appropriate choices. We are capable.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Letting Go
To say that letting go is difficult is an understatement. Letting events flow as the universe intends goes against the human instinct. We all strive to control outcomes. But is that really effective? When we move against the current, the ebb and flow of universal synergy, we set up a peculiar energy that others can feel. They may not be able to put their finger on what they sense, but they certainly sense that something is not right. Controlling outcomes may cause harm. Someone we love may be suffering the consequences of prior behaviors or acts. If we try to control outcomes to minimize their pain, should we succeed, what have we accomplished? We have failed to let our loved one learn their lesson. Instead we have taught them that when they make a mistake we will step in and save them from the natural consequences of their actions. This will eventually force the universe to cause them to experience a more severe consequence that even we cannot fix. So, have we helped? No. We have stepped in, and in our effort to provide a false bottom for them, have delayed them learning their lesson, actually causing them greater harm in the long run. Letting go means that we trust that we, and others, are exactly where we are supposed to be in the moment, and that there is a greater plan that we cannot yet see. When an artist paints he sees each individual brush stroke as he creates his masterpiece. He has a greater plan in mind. If we see only the brush strokes, we miss the masterpiece. We must step back and view the completed painting, seeing it in its entirety. Only then do we really understand the master plan. Our lives are like a painting. We cannot easily step back and view the path on which we walk. Only when time has passed and we have the opportunity to look back in retrospect can we appreciate the art of the universes plan.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
