Disagreements in relationships are normal. Life would be boring if we were all the same and agreed on everything. There would be no growth... no challenges... we would learn nothing from our interactions with one another.
Fighting... when partners follow the rules... can be productive when it's used to clear the air and settle a disagreement that is highly charged. It isn't the best way to communicate, but happens even in the best of relationships and at times is a necessary form of settling disputes... so long as partners follow the rules.
Rules:
No name calling
Stick to the subject
No bringing up past mistakes
No screaming or yelling
No disparaging remarks
No involving other parties (so and so said this or that...)
If tempers flare, take a time out and return when both parties are cool headed and centered, ready to talk
This may sound impossible...or at the very least incredibly difficult to do but it's not. It's a decision to treat your partner with the same dignity and grace... even when you're angry... that you would offer to a stranger you met in church. When partners agree to follow these rules and make it a habit... many things that should never be said... aren't. And that saves both parties a whole lot of hurt feelings and resentments.
Remember... it only gets hard to follow these rules when we are overwhelmed and out of control. If we practice self care and don't take on responsibilities that aren't ours to begin with, we will feel balanced and centered rather than used and unappreciated.
If we are feeling a great deal of resentment and anger toward our partner we may need to first do some journaling and clarify exactly what is bothering us. We then sit down with our partner when we are calm and share our feelings in a non-threatening way using "I" statements (ie: I feel ___ when you ___) instead of "you" statements (You always... you never) which communicate blame rather than feelings and put our partner on the defensive.
Learning appropriate communication isn't easy... it's a habit that needs to be repeated over and over to become a part of us... but it's so worth it. Our relationships improve dramatically when we learn to communicate in a non-threatening way. We invite our partner to share with us when we listen twice as much as we talk... thereby giving our partner a chance to share their feelings with us as well. These small changes communicate that we value our partner as equal human beings and that they are important to us.
Some of us may have learned that total honesty in a relationship included saying whatever came into our heads when we are angry or upset. This couldn't be farther from the truth. We must learn to use discernment to evaluate whether what we are feeling is accurate or not... whether what we are upset about is important in the grand scheme of things... or not... and choose our words wisely. We must remember that we are talking to someone who is our most valued and trusted friend... our best friend... and our words and actions should reflect that fact.
Always keep your words soft and sweet in case you have to eat them later.
Showing posts with label journaling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journaling. Show all posts
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Holidays… Ugh!!
How do we cope with our strong feelings when we are dealing with someone who is unaware of how their behavior affects others?
Often times we are forced to deal with people… especially in family situations and surrounding holidays events… who are unaware of how their actions appear to others. It is common for us to believe that our intentions are visible, when in fact it is only our actions that can be seen and felt by those around us.
If others are feeling overwhelmed and their actions impact us, what can we do to practice self care? We use our tools… deep breathing… taking a walk… calling a friend… journaling… prayer… letting go. If necessary we give ourselves permission to leave the situation and take a time out until we feel more balanced. We cannot be emotionally present for others if we are not practicing self care. If practical, we can return once we are centered to discuss the situation in an attempt to resolve issues.
Part of self care is effectively managing expectations. If we have a history of unresolved issues involving family, we must learn to expect whatever family dynamics exist to continue. We can choose not to participate in unhealthy situations. We expect many change back messages from those who are uncomfortable with our growth. We can understand their discomfort… empathize… and still maintain our healthy boundaries.
The holidays can be an especially trying time as we interact with our family of origin. Old issues that lie beneath the surface may be triggered by interactions with siblings, parents or extended family. We owe it to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care and manage expectations. In this way we have the ability to spend our time with our families while still maintaining healthy boundaries and working on more positive interactions.
Often times we are forced to deal with people… especially in family situations and surrounding holidays events… who are unaware of how their actions appear to others. It is common for us to believe that our intentions are visible, when in fact it is only our actions that can be seen and felt by those around us.
If others are feeling overwhelmed and their actions impact us, what can we do to practice self care? We use our tools… deep breathing… taking a walk… calling a friend… journaling… prayer… letting go. If necessary we give ourselves permission to leave the situation and take a time out until we feel more balanced. We cannot be emotionally present for others if we are not practicing self care. If practical, we can return once we are centered to discuss the situation in an attempt to resolve issues.
Part of self care is effectively managing expectations. If we have a history of unresolved issues involving family, we must learn to expect whatever family dynamics exist to continue. We can choose not to participate in unhealthy situations. We expect many change back messages from those who are uncomfortable with our growth. We can understand their discomfort… empathize… and still maintain our healthy boundaries.
The holidays can be an especially trying time as we interact with our family of origin. Old issues that lie beneath the surface may be triggered by interactions with siblings, parents or extended family. We owe it to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care and manage expectations. In this way we have the ability to spend our time with our families while still maintaining healthy boundaries and working on more positive interactions.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Am I Growing?
How do we know when we are growing? How can we tell if we have changed? We see ourselves everyday, what can we use as a yardstick?
When we enter into the process of recovery we place ourselves on a path of growth that is often three steps forward and two steps back. As we grow and change it may not be apparent to us that we have made strides in our efforts to become healthier. This may cause us concern or allow us to feel as though we are not accomplishing our goals.
We can take steps to avert this type of second guessing. We can use our tools to create a snapshot of ourselves at various points along our journey.
One of our most successful tools is journaling. We take bit of time on a regular basis and write out our thoughts and feelings. We may want to include small bits of current events to remind ourselves of the drama and chaos that surrounded us when we entered into the path of recovery. As time progresses we will be able to read our prior posts and realize how far we have come along our chosen path.
Another tool we can use to help us see our own growth is a gratitude journal. We write down five reasons we are grateful each night before we drift off to sleep. They can be anything, from our kids to our pet. We can be grateful for the simplest things, like food on our table, or the most complex, such as being able to understand physics. Initially the exercise may feel awkward and we may be unable to think of five new things to write down each day. But over time we will see how our world has enlarged as we grow and change.
Sometimes we complete our exercises and use our tools grudgingly, just going through the motions. But over time as we see the growth in ourselves and the changes we engender in those we love we will become more enthusiastic in our efforts and understand that we can only change the world one person at a time... that person starts with us.
When we enter into the process of recovery we place ourselves on a path of growth that is often three steps forward and two steps back. As we grow and change it may not be apparent to us that we have made strides in our efforts to become healthier. This may cause us concern or allow us to feel as though we are not accomplishing our goals.
We can take steps to avert this type of second guessing. We can use our tools to create a snapshot of ourselves at various points along our journey.
One of our most successful tools is journaling. We take bit of time on a regular basis and write out our thoughts and feelings. We may want to include small bits of current events to remind ourselves of the drama and chaos that surrounded us when we entered into the path of recovery. As time progresses we will be able to read our prior posts and realize how far we have come along our chosen path.
Another tool we can use to help us see our own growth is a gratitude journal. We write down five reasons we are grateful each night before we drift off to sleep. They can be anything, from our kids to our pet. We can be grateful for the simplest things, like food on our table, or the most complex, such as being able to understand physics. Initially the exercise may feel awkward and we may be unable to think of five new things to write down each day. But over time we will see how our world has enlarged as we grow and change.
Sometimes we complete our exercises and use our tools grudgingly, just going through the motions. But over time as we see the growth in ourselves and the changes we engender in those we love we will become more enthusiastic in our efforts and understand that we can only change the world one person at a time... that person starts with us.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Tools, Glorious Tools - Part Four
Recovery is not complete without tools to take us beyond the drama of the moment into long term health. Patience, managing expectations, deep breathing, journaling and reading are all tools that help us deal with the immediate stress of our daily lives. Tools that are life changing are more elusive, harder to grasp and harder to implement.
Meditation is a state of deep relaxation where we work to empty our minds of all the clutter of the day. We give our brain a time out from the constant work of processing the innumerable messages that bombard us throughout our daily lives. There are many styles of meditation. One in particular is called guided imagery. This type of meditation is a form requiring a guide. The guide may be ourselves or another that we choose. We are first lead through a breathing and relaxation exercise. Following this we are guided through a vivid journey within our minds. We may view past events with a new perspective. We may take a walk on the beach. Whatever we view complements our state of deep relaxation. When we complete our meditation we feel refreshed and relaxed. This tool is one we can use on our own to give ourselves a boost of rejuvenation during stressful times.
One of the most difficult tools for many of us to accept is the concept of a higher power. Many of us were deeply wounded as children. We may have stopped believing that there might be more to life than what we can observe with our five senses. We may be angry with our higher power, feeling abandoned to live through pain, fear and sorrow. It may take some time for us to regain the faith that there is more to our lives than that which we sense. That is part of the process. We begin with baby steps, opening ourselves to the possibility that there may be more. Our higher power can be whatever we choose. It is not a defined concept, nor one based in religion. For some it is the stars, for others the earth, for still others an ethereal spiritual being. There is no correct answer. We use whatever will bring us to a place of faith.
Why does a part of recovery focus on having faith in a higher power? We change our perspective. We become part of a larger world when we enter the journey of recovery. We begin to see that we are not unique and that our pain, fears and shame are a commonality that binds those in recovery together. We learn that we are not alone. This is a powerful concept allowing us to feel that we belong. We are now part of the recovery community. We begin in small increments asking for guidance and wisdom. As we move along our journey we watch for sign posts along the way. We are on a path that has been chosen for us. As we put one foot in front of the other we are reminded that we have already come a long way from our humble beginnings.
Our choice to remain open to the possibility of a higher power is our entry into the realm of spirituality. We begin to allow ourselves to consider the possibility that we are more than just a human body. We open our minds to the thought that we may be a spiritual being housed within a human body. The concepts of balance have existed for eons; yin and yang, dark and light, good and evil, heaven and hell, God and Satan, Adam and Eve, Mother Earth and Father Time. All these ideas stem from the concepts of balance… that for each and every positive in the universe, there is an opposing force.
We strive to create balance in our lives. One of the ways we do this is by opening ourselves to the concept of allowing situations to develop naturally without trying to force results. If we can begin to accept that we may be spiritual beings, we can then relax and allow the natural unfolding of events. This brings us to a healthier place where we feel calm, centered and balanced instead of stresses, harried and overwhelmed.
Our tools are our life line. We use them in our daily lives to enhance our ability to remain balanced and to increase our self esteem. We practice patience, managing expectations, deep breathing, journaling and reading on a daily basis. We use meditation and guided imagery as a form of deep relaxation and renewal. We open ourselves to the possibility that there may be more to the universe than we can sense and begin to have faith in a higher power. Our spiritual lives blossom and we experience the peace and tranquility that we crave. In this way we give ourselves the gift of recovery.
Meditation is a state of deep relaxation where we work to empty our minds of all the clutter of the day. We give our brain a time out from the constant work of processing the innumerable messages that bombard us throughout our daily lives. There are many styles of meditation. One in particular is called guided imagery. This type of meditation is a form requiring a guide. The guide may be ourselves or another that we choose. We are first lead through a breathing and relaxation exercise. Following this we are guided through a vivid journey within our minds. We may view past events with a new perspective. We may take a walk on the beach. Whatever we view complements our state of deep relaxation. When we complete our meditation we feel refreshed and relaxed. This tool is one we can use on our own to give ourselves a boost of rejuvenation during stressful times.
One of the most difficult tools for many of us to accept is the concept of a higher power. Many of us were deeply wounded as children. We may have stopped believing that there might be more to life than what we can observe with our five senses. We may be angry with our higher power, feeling abandoned to live through pain, fear and sorrow. It may take some time for us to regain the faith that there is more to our lives than that which we sense. That is part of the process. We begin with baby steps, opening ourselves to the possibility that there may be more. Our higher power can be whatever we choose. It is not a defined concept, nor one based in religion. For some it is the stars, for others the earth, for still others an ethereal spiritual being. There is no correct answer. We use whatever will bring us to a place of faith.
Why does a part of recovery focus on having faith in a higher power? We change our perspective. We become part of a larger world when we enter the journey of recovery. We begin to see that we are not unique and that our pain, fears and shame are a commonality that binds those in recovery together. We learn that we are not alone. This is a powerful concept allowing us to feel that we belong. We are now part of the recovery community. We begin in small increments asking for guidance and wisdom. As we move along our journey we watch for sign posts along the way. We are on a path that has been chosen for us. As we put one foot in front of the other we are reminded that we have already come a long way from our humble beginnings.
Our choice to remain open to the possibility of a higher power is our entry into the realm of spirituality. We begin to allow ourselves to consider the possibility that we are more than just a human body. We open our minds to the thought that we may be a spiritual being housed within a human body. The concepts of balance have existed for eons; yin and yang, dark and light, good and evil, heaven and hell, God and Satan, Adam and Eve, Mother Earth and Father Time. All these ideas stem from the concepts of balance… that for each and every positive in the universe, there is an opposing force.
We strive to create balance in our lives. One of the ways we do this is by opening ourselves to the concept of allowing situations to develop naturally without trying to force results. If we can begin to accept that we may be spiritual beings, we can then relax and allow the natural unfolding of events. This brings us to a healthier place where we feel calm, centered and balanced instead of stresses, harried and overwhelmed.
Our tools are our life line. We use them in our daily lives to enhance our ability to remain balanced and to increase our self esteem. We practice patience, managing expectations, deep breathing, journaling and reading on a daily basis. We use meditation and guided imagery as a form of deep relaxation and renewal. We open ourselves to the possibility that there may be more to the universe than we can sense and begin to have faith in a higher power. Our spiritual lives blossom and we experience the peace and tranquility that we crave. In this way we give ourselves the gift of recovery.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Tools, Glorious Tools - Part Three
Now that we have begun our journey into recovery on our chosen path, we need a guide to keep us going in the direction we have picked. We do this by using another tool in our arsenal, reading.
The brain is a series of nerve cells passing electrical charges from one to another. The pattern of a path taken by a particular charge represents a thought. The more times we think a particular thought, the stronger the bonds becomes between those nerve cells. Nerve cells actually move closer together when certain thoughts occur frequently to provide faster processing, much like defragmenting a computer hard disk. Nerve cells that may have been dedicated to thoughts that are not accessed frequently, will be reused by the neural net for newer thoughts. As years pass and we think certain thoughts over and over again, we begin to access these familiar neural pathways automatically.
During recovery we review the internal thoughts we process automatically on a daily basis and decide which we will keep and which we will remove. One of the tools we use to help us in our decision making process are books. We read recovery literature to enlarge our perspective and allow us to develop a more appropriate view of our thought processes and the behavior and habits that those thoughts engender. We choose which of our thoughts no longer serve our needs. We may still hear the voices of our family of origin in the background. We have a choice to listen or silence those old tapes playing in our heads.
Reading recovery materials gives us insight into our actions and allows us to become part of a community of people choosing a healthier path. We read recovery stories of others who have walked the road before us. These give us hope that we too can succeed.
Daily reading keeps us grounded in the principles of recovery. We give our brains new material to form into healthy memories. As we learn about ourselves and others through literature, our self esteem increases. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We practice patience, managing expectations, deep breathing, journaling and reading. Through using our tools and practicing self care we learn one of the most valuable lessons of recovery… we are not alone.
The brain is a series of nerve cells passing electrical charges from one to another. The pattern of a path taken by a particular charge represents a thought. The more times we think a particular thought, the stronger the bonds becomes between those nerve cells. Nerve cells actually move closer together when certain thoughts occur frequently to provide faster processing, much like defragmenting a computer hard disk. Nerve cells that may have been dedicated to thoughts that are not accessed frequently, will be reused by the neural net for newer thoughts. As years pass and we think certain thoughts over and over again, we begin to access these familiar neural pathways automatically.
During recovery we review the internal thoughts we process automatically on a daily basis and decide which we will keep and which we will remove. One of the tools we use to help us in our decision making process are books. We read recovery literature to enlarge our perspective and allow us to develop a more appropriate view of our thought processes and the behavior and habits that those thoughts engender. We choose which of our thoughts no longer serve our needs. We may still hear the voices of our family of origin in the background. We have a choice to listen or silence those old tapes playing in our heads.
Reading recovery materials gives us insight into our actions and allows us to become part of a community of people choosing a healthier path. We read recovery stories of others who have walked the road before us. These give us hope that we too can succeed.
Daily reading keeps us grounded in the principles of recovery. We give our brains new material to form into healthy memories. As we learn about ourselves and others through literature, our self esteem increases. We practice our tools in our daily lives. We practice patience, managing expectations, deep breathing, journaling and reading. Through using our tools and practicing self care we learn one of the most valuable lessons of recovery… we are not alone.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tools, Glorious Tools - Part Two
In our recovery process we practice patience and manage our expectations. We keep in mind that habits developed over many years may take much time to unlearn. We expect to make mistakes, to backslide, to feel regret when we repeat old patterns of behavior that no longer function for our benefit.
We employ many tools in our daily lives to help us cope with the changes we are making in ourselves and the responses we are cultivating to take the place of our old defense mechanisms. We learn that defense mechanisms are automatic and that we have been employing them without even realizing it. This is the core of how we protected ourselves during our childhood. We have relied on these defenses for a long time. Giving them up creates a void. We fill that void with healthy behavior by using our tools.
In working to change this pattern we strive to become more aware of ourselves and our feelings. We may feel overwhelmed initially by the surge of strong emotions and the feelings that follow. It may take time for us to be able to put words to our feelings if we have been reacting on auto pilot for a lengthy period of time. We allow ourselves to begin to experience all our emotions. This can create much discomfort. We will adjust to the newness of it over time. In the interim we use several tools to help us cope.
We learn deep breathing. When we are tense we tend to breathe in a less effective manner. We breathe with our upper chest and take short, quick, shallow breaths. When we focus on our breathing we take longer, slower, deeper breaths that inflate our abdomen and pull air all the way down to the lower part of our lungs. This allows more oxygen into our blood stream and aids in relaxation. We breathe in through our noses, hold briefly for a count of five, then out through our mouths. As we repeat this process we feel a sense of relaxation flow through ourselves. We are adding vital oxygen to our bodies that have been depleted through stress.
Journaling is an important tool in our tool bag. We write out our feelings, thoughts and opinions about present circumstances and persons in our lives. We may include related memories that have caused us pain in the past, recalled as a result of a particular event. This gives us an outlet for our emotions as well as a way to experience more clarity with regard to our feelings. We may be new at processing our emotions. Journaling gives us an edge. We have our journal entries available for review as we progress through recovery. We can look back at a snapshot of ourselves and see our growth.
Having patience with ourselves, managing our expectations of our progress, allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, deep breathing and journaling… these initial tools help us develop increased self esteem as we use them in our daily lives. We give ourselves the gift of recovery as we practice using our tools to gain emotional balance.
We employ many tools in our daily lives to help us cope with the changes we are making in ourselves and the responses we are cultivating to take the place of our old defense mechanisms. We learn that defense mechanisms are automatic and that we have been employing them without even realizing it. This is the core of how we protected ourselves during our childhood. We have relied on these defenses for a long time. Giving them up creates a void. We fill that void with healthy behavior by using our tools.
In working to change this pattern we strive to become more aware of ourselves and our feelings. We may feel overwhelmed initially by the surge of strong emotions and the feelings that follow. It may take time for us to be able to put words to our feelings if we have been reacting on auto pilot for a lengthy period of time. We allow ourselves to begin to experience all our emotions. This can create much discomfort. We will adjust to the newness of it over time. In the interim we use several tools to help us cope.
We learn deep breathing. When we are tense we tend to breathe in a less effective manner. We breathe with our upper chest and take short, quick, shallow breaths. When we focus on our breathing we take longer, slower, deeper breaths that inflate our abdomen and pull air all the way down to the lower part of our lungs. This allows more oxygen into our blood stream and aids in relaxation. We breathe in through our noses, hold briefly for a count of five, then out through our mouths. As we repeat this process we feel a sense of relaxation flow through ourselves. We are adding vital oxygen to our bodies that have been depleted through stress.
Journaling is an important tool in our tool bag. We write out our feelings, thoughts and opinions about present circumstances and persons in our lives. We may include related memories that have caused us pain in the past, recalled as a result of a particular event. This gives us an outlet for our emotions as well as a way to experience more clarity with regard to our feelings. We may be new at processing our emotions. Journaling gives us an edge. We have our journal entries available for review as we progress through recovery. We can look back at a snapshot of ourselves and see our growth.
Having patience with ourselves, managing our expectations of our progress, allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, deep breathing and journaling… these initial tools help us develop increased self esteem as we use them in our daily lives. We give ourselves the gift of recovery as we practice using our tools to gain emotional balance.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Ending of Relationships - Grief
What happens when a relationship ends badly? How do we survive the relentless emotional ups and downs, the pain, the overwhelming feelings? What do we do to take care of ourselves during this time of crisis?
One of the most difficult times in any life involves the ending of a relationship. Whether it is voluntary or not, the pain and emotional turmoil that follows can be life wrenching. At times we may feel that we are being buried under a mountain of feelings that we cannot process. We have many bad days and few, if any, good days.
The grief process is a difficult one, but a necessary step in healing our wounds. We may begin the first leg in our journey without even realizing it. We are told by our partner that they are leaving the relationship. We may feel shock, disbelief, anger, shame, sadness and pain all at the same time. This emotional overload cues our defense mechanisms to help us survive the trauma. We cut ourselves off from experiencing the enormity of our problem with denial. We may see what is happening, but we fail to grasp the complexity of our emotional response. We may initially feel nothing at all. We may be numb.
In the early part of the process we may feel okay with the changes that are occurring in our lives. We have not actually allowed the full impact of our situation into our conscious minds. Over time, as our new life unfolds before us we begin to realize all that has changed. We may begin to feel angry at the losses we are experiencing. The life we had led with our partner is no longer our reality and we are beginning to feel pain. We respond by protecting ourselves. We may allocate blame along with associated anger, resentment, rage and bitterness toward our former partner, and even toward our higher power. We may react with hostility whenever interactions occur. Our world has changed, and we are unhappy with the pain and anguish which are being forced upon us.
After we have displayed much anger and hostility, we may feel that a bargain is possible. Although we are unaware of it, our efforts are unlikely to bear fruit. Try as we may, the situation remains. We have attempted every conceivable tack in order to change the course of events and have been unable to do so.
We now feel the full brunt of our pain. It is overwhelmingly sad and we may be unable to do anything about it. This is the time when we may feel depressed. Our past life is over and we are powerless to change it. Our self esteem may be crushed. Our inner self has been rejected. The combined pain of loss and rejection is overwhelming.
As traumatic and frightening as this place may be, we are actually at the beginning of our recovery. We have begun the process of integrating what has happened into our conscious minds. We have started to accept that we cannot change what has passed. We are on the bumpy road of acceptance. The place of peace. Once we have processed all the pain, loss, shame and rejection and incorporated it into our being as an accepted part of who we now are, we can move on to a place of peace in our lives. This is not an easy task.
This may not be a one way journey. We can move back and forth between denial, anger, bargaining and depression until we finally reach a place of acceptance. We can help ourselves by using our tools. Reaching out for support, whether professional or otherwise, is imperative for self care. If we have others who rely on us in their daily lives, we have an obligation to them to care for ourselves in this time of crisis. Journaling provides an excellent outlet during times of extreme stress. We have the ability to vent in a safe environment. We can also look back over our past journal entries as time proceeds and view our progress. This is of great importance so that we can be aware of how far we have come on our recovery journey. Something that may elude us without written evidence. Activity will benefit us as well. The neurotransmitters that our brain needs to feel happiness are produced in much greater quantities when we work up a sweat. Finding and maintaining hobbies that we enjoy is another tool that we can access. The joy we feel in accomplishing a task which gives us pleasure is a great asset. Spending time with members of our family of origin, if possible, may also be a place of acceptance and support. One of our most important tools is meditation and/or prayer. We can reach out to our higher power for support and guidance. We are on a path that has been chosen for us.
We have many tools at our disposal for self care. Each time we make the effort to use our tools we increase our self esteem. As we raise our self esteem we find it easier to use our tools. Although we may find the first few steps in this process daunting, if we make the effort we will reap the reward. We must try to have faith that we are exactly where our higher power wants us, although we cannot yet see why. Our path is like a painting. We cannot see the whole picture until we step back and view it from a distance. We are learning the lessons we need to better our lives. Through this process of self care we give ourselves the gift of hope.
One of the most difficult times in any life involves the ending of a relationship. Whether it is voluntary or not, the pain and emotional turmoil that follows can be life wrenching. At times we may feel that we are being buried under a mountain of feelings that we cannot process. We have many bad days and few, if any, good days.
The grief process is a difficult one, but a necessary step in healing our wounds. We may begin the first leg in our journey without even realizing it. We are told by our partner that they are leaving the relationship. We may feel shock, disbelief, anger, shame, sadness and pain all at the same time. This emotional overload cues our defense mechanisms to help us survive the trauma. We cut ourselves off from experiencing the enormity of our problem with denial. We may see what is happening, but we fail to grasp the complexity of our emotional response. We may initially feel nothing at all. We may be numb.
In the early part of the process we may feel okay with the changes that are occurring in our lives. We have not actually allowed the full impact of our situation into our conscious minds. Over time, as our new life unfolds before us we begin to realize all that has changed. We may begin to feel angry at the losses we are experiencing. The life we had led with our partner is no longer our reality and we are beginning to feel pain. We respond by protecting ourselves. We may allocate blame along with associated anger, resentment, rage and bitterness toward our former partner, and even toward our higher power. We may react with hostility whenever interactions occur. Our world has changed, and we are unhappy with the pain and anguish which are being forced upon us.
After we have displayed much anger and hostility, we may feel that a bargain is possible. Although we are unaware of it, our efforts are unlikely to bear fruit. Try as we may, the situation remains. We have attempted every conceivable tack in order to change the course of events and have been unable to do so.
We now feel the full brunt of our pain. It is overwhelmingly sad and we may be unable to do anything about it. This is the time when we may feel depressed. Our past life is over and we are powerless to change it. Our self esteem may be crushed. Our inner self has been rejected. The combined pain of loss and rejection is overwhelming.
As traumatic and frightening as this place may be, we are actually at the beginning of our recovery. We have begun the process of integrating what has happened into our conscious minds. We have started to accept that we cannot change what has passed. We are on the bumpy road of acceptance. The place of peace. Once we have processed all the pain, loss, shame and rejection and incorporated it into our being as an accepted part of who we now are, we can move on to a place of peace in our lives. This is not an easy task.
This may not be a one way journey. We can move back and forth between denial, anger, bargaining and depression until we finally reach a place of acceptance. We can help ourselves by using our tools. Reaching out for support, whether professional or otherwise, is imperative for self care. If we have others who rely on us in their daily lives, we have an obligation to them to care for ourselves in this time of crisis. Journaling provides an excellent outlet during times of extreme stress. We have the ability to vent in a safe environment. We can also look back over our past journal entries as time proceeds and view our progress. This is of great importance so that we can be aware of how far we have come on our recovery journey. Something that may elude us without written evidence. Activity will benefit us as well. The neurotransmitters that our brain needs to feel happiness are produced in much greater quantities when we work up a sweat. Finding and maintaining hobbies that we enjoy is another tool that we can access. The joy we feel in accomplishing a task which gives us pleasure is a great asset. Spending time with members of our family of origin, if possible, may also be a place of acceptance and support. One of our most important tools is meditation and/or prayer. We can reach out to our higher power for support and guidance. We are on a path that has been chosen for us.
We have many tools at our disposal for self care. Each time we make the effort to use our tools we increase our self esteem. As we raise our self esteem we find it easier to use our tools. Although we may find the first few steps in this process daunting, if we make the effort we will reap the reward. We must try to have faith that we are exactly where our higher power wants us, although we cannot yet see why. Our path is like a painting. We cannot see the whole picture until we step back and view it from a distance. We are learning the lessons we need to better our lives. Through this process of self care we give ourselves the gift of hope.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Family
Family... that word can conjure up such mixed emotions. For some, there is great anticipation of the next visit and pleasant memories of the past. For others, there is much trepidation. Will this time be okay, or will Dad blow his fuse? Will Mom drink too much? Will Brother steal again? Will Sister be high again?
Our family of origin can be a place of nurturing or of dysfunction. As we walk down our path of recovery, time with our families can be plagued with discomfort. We are no longer participating in the denial and white washing that has been the status quo since we were children. We clearly see the elephant in the living room. How do we continue to have relationships with our families when they are not on a path to recovery? What do we do to practice self care when faced with the dysfunctional patterns of our family of origin?
We begin by realizing that those who come to recovery do so in their own time. We cannot force another to take those first steps anymore than we can force a dog to become a cat. Each of us has within us a locked door leading to change that can only be opened from the inside. Our only path is that of detachment and acceptance. We can dislike the behavior that our father displays when he loses his temper, but we continue to love the person within. We can feel dismay when our mother drinks excessively, but we still love the individual. We can be angered by our brother's stealing, yet love him regardless. We can feel disappointment that our sister continues to abuse her body with drugs, but continue to love the human being.
We separate the person's actions, which we find offensive, from the person within, the human being, realizing that all are fallible. We try to accept that each of the members of our family are simply people with problems. We focus on what we can do to take care of ourselves. We use our tools to keep ourselves centered. We try to keep a healthy perspective throughout our visit. When we are able, we take time to practice self care. We use our tools: journaling, taking a time out, walking, calling a trusted friend, just to name a few. We can limit our visit if necessary. We can listen if someone needs to talk, but we try not to get pulled into the old family drama. We try not to take the bait. This can be a very difficult balancing act requiring much effort at living in the moment. We try to enjoy what we can while we are with our family.
We may not be successful during our first attempts. We will be better over time as we practice. Recovery is always three steps forward and two steps back. We practice patience with ourselves as we continue on our path, using our tools and practicing self care. In this way we give ourselves the gift of possibilities. Possibilities of relationships with our family based on honesty.
Our family of origin can be a place of nurturing or of dysfunction. As we walk down our path of recovery, time with our families can be plagued with discomfort. We are no longer participating in the denial and white washing that has been the status quo since we were children. We clearly see the elephant in the living room. How do we continue to have relationships with our families when they are not on a path to recovery? What do we do to practice self care when faced with the dysfunctional patterns of our family of origin?
We begin by realizing that those who come to recovery do so in their own time. We cannot force another to take those first steps anymore than we can force a dog to become a cat. Each of us has within us a locked door leading to change that can only be opened from the inside. Our only path is that of detachment and acceptance. We can dislike the behavior that our father displays when he loses his temper, but we continue to love the person within. We can feel dismay when our mother drinks excessively, but we still love the individual. We can be angered by our brother's stealing, yet love him regardless. We can feel disappointment that our sister continues to abuse her body with drugs, but continue to love the human being.
We separate the person's actions, which we find offensive, from the person within, the human being, realizing that all are fallible. We try to accept that each of the members of our family are simply people with problems. We focus on what we can do to take care of ourselves. We use our tools to keep ourselves centered. We try to keep a healthy perspective throughout our visit. When we are able, we take time to practice self care. We use our tools: journaling, taking a time out, walking, calling a trusted friend, just to name a few. We can limit our visit if necessary. We can listen if someone needs to talk, but we try not to get pulled into the old family drama. We try not to take the bait. This can be a very difficult balancing act requiring much effort at living in the moment. We try to enjoy what we can while we are with our family.
We may not be successful during our first attempts. We will be better over time as we practice. Recovery is always three steps forward and two steps back. We practice patience with ourselves as we continue on our path, using our tools and practicing self care. In this way we give ourselves the gift of possibilities. Possibilities of relationships with our family based on honesty.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Journaling
One of the most useful tools in our bag is journaling. Writing down how we think and feel preserves a moment in time. We can use this tool to clarify our views on an issue with which we are struggling. We can use it to vent when we are angry. We can use it when we need to express grief over a loss. We can use it to soothe ourselves when we are scared. Since our journal is completely private, we can use it to express feelings to others in a safe environment where we are not judged or criticized. We can even use it to express joy when we are happy.
Journaling gives us the opportunity to save our thoughts and feelings in a moment when we may be overwhelmed by emotion or confusion. We then take some time for self care, bringing us back to our center. Our journal becomes an opportunity to return to our entry later when we feel calm and centered and can process our feelings more fully with both our intellect and emotions. In this way we give ourselves the gift of time. Time to become ready to deal with the issues that have presented themselves. Many of life's challenges are areas where no solution is readily apparent. Often, through journaling, we can develop a changed paradigm where we can see a wider view. Through this process we become more holistic, more able to see the world through the eyes of others.
As we practice journaling we will develop a record of our progress and growth. Without a written record, we might be unable to see ourselves in a new light, as personal change and growth happens slowly and is often invisible to ourselves. Through our journal entries we can travel back through our past selves and witness the changes in our thinking and emotional response. This is another gift we give ourselves through the tools of self care and journaling.
Journaling gives us the opportunity to save our thoughts and feelings in a moment when we may be overwhelmed by emotion or confusion. We then take some time for self care, bringing us back to our center. Our journal becomes an opportunity to return to our entry later when we feel calm and centered and can process our feelings more fully with both our intellect and emotions. In this way we give ourselves the gift of time. Time to become ready to deal with the issues that have presented themselves. Many of life's challenges are areas where no solution is readily apparent. Often, through journaling, we can develop a changed paradigm where we can see a wider view. Through this process we become more holistic, more able to see the world through the eyes of others.
As we practice journaling we will develop a record of our progress and growth. Without a written record, we might be unable to see ourselves in a new light, as personal change and growth happens slowly and is often invisible to ourselves. Through our journal entries we can travel back through our past selves and witness the changes in our thinking and emotional response. This is another gift we give ourselves through the tools of self care and journaling.
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