When our relationships hit a rough spot how do we cope? What do we do to garner support?
We reach out to those who have gone before us... counselors... friends... folks we meet in group or at meetings. We read books and articles written by those with wisdom and experience. We search our soul for realization of our part.
Relationships are like a dance... we must see our steps clearly. We must look with eyes unclouded by poor judgement and unresolved issues to see truth. It isn't easy to see our part... especially if we are hurt, sad or angry... but if we are to come through the difficult times back to a state of joy we must accept that we too have contributed to the problems we face... that our partner is not the only one to blame.
As we point our finger at our partner we realize that three fingers point right back at us. We too share in the issues... have perpetrated the hurts... have added to the pain. If we are to clear the air and begin anew we must own our part of the problem.
As we go through the toughest part of the process we know that there is light at the end of the tunnel... and it isn't an oncoming train.
Many have survived the road we are walking. They are all here with hands outstretched... reaching for us... cheering us on as we do the next right thing... as we walk the talk.
Yes, it's humbling... and jumbling too. We feel confused... angry... sad... hurt... devastated... overhwelmed... depressed... and much more. But there are so many watching us take one step at a time... praying for us... pleading with us not to give up.
They are all here along the side of the path... cheering... shouting our name in joy... waiting for us to come far enough along that we too can join on the sidelines and begin to cheer for the next one to walk this long and winding road.
They are shouting... Can you hear us? Can you see us?
Showing posts with label problems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label problems. Show all posts
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
HELP - My Expectations Are Killing Me!!
How do we manage our expectations in a healthy way? Can our expectations cause us problems in our relationship?
Expectations can be a double edged sword. At times we gain power and insight from the expectations we have of ourselves. But what about the expectations we have of our partner? How do they affect our relationship?
If we expect our partner to fulfill our expectations we may be placing undue pressure on both our partner and our relationship. We hold the responsibility to fulfill our own expectations. When we give that power away, we lose the ability to practice self care. We give control of ourselves and our happiness over to another. When we do that we may be setting ourselves up for disappointment.
As much as our partner may wish to please us and may make every effort to act in our best interest, there will be times when their desires and ours will not overlap. If we have placed our expectations in their hands we will surely be disappointed and possibly hurt. If we have, instead, taken responsibility for our own expectations we will be assured that we remain in balance regardless of what our partner is or is not doing at the moment.
In a healthy relationships partners make every effort to be compassionate, respectful and considerate of one another. We do not feel the need to meet each others expectations as we know that we are responsible for meeting our own. In this way we assure that we remain balanced, emotionally available and connected in our lives and in our relationships.
Expectations can be a double edged sword. At times we gain power and insight from the expectations we have of ourselves. But what about the expectations we have of our partner? How do they affect our relationship?
If we expect our partner to fulfill our expectations we may be placing undue pressure on both our partner and our relationship. We hold the responsibility to fulfill our own expectations. When we give that power away, we lose the ability to practice self care. We give control of ourselves and our happiness over to another. When we do that we may be setting ourselves up for disappointment.
As much as our partner may wish to please us and may make every effort to act in our best interest, there will be times when their desires and ours will not overlap. If we have placed our expectations in their hands we will surely be disappointed and possibly hurt. If we have, instead, taken responsibility for our own expectations we will be assured that we remain in balance regardless of what our partner is or is not doing at the moment.
In a healthy relationships partners make every effort to be compassionate, respectful and considerate of one another. We do not feel the need to meet each others expectations as we know that we are responsible for meeting our own. In this way we assure that we remain balanced, emotionally available and connected in our lives and in our relationships.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Why Can't I Clear Out The Fog?
Why is it that we can clearly see problems and solutions for others and yet when our own difficulties come into play we often remain in a fog?
We have the ability to practice a form of mental self defense where we either deny a challenge exists all together, or we rationalize away its severity. We may intellectualize our issues, not allowing ourselves to feel our emotions fully. We may do this to minimize pain and loss, or in an attempt to keep ourselves from recognizing the truth of our situation.
We may have begun learning this defense mechanism when we were children. If we lived in a family of origin where there was a great deal of chaos we may have needed this defense in order to survive. As we grow into adults we may find that our old defense mechanisms have begun to hinder our ability to fully participate in our own lives. We may be incapable of recognizing when we are being treated poorly. We may be unable to experience joy. We may be marching through life in a state of suspended emotional animation, existing, but not living.
When we begin our walk on the path of recovery we may initially find our emotions overwhelming and feel incapable of handling the waves of feelings that surge through our minds and bodies. As time progresses we become more comfortable within ourselves and feel capable of handling our strong emotions. We may recall that as children we may have had no one to guide us through the maze of our own feelings. They may have been strong and frightening, so we locked them away. Now that we are adults we can unlock those stored childhood feelings, process them in our adult minds and allow them to become a part of us.
In healthy families adults model appropriate reactions to strong emotions by regulating their responses. In dysfunctional families there may be no responsible adult present to serve as role model. The only model we see may be an emotionally frightened or enraged caretaker who is incapable of managing their own feelings and is acting out. If we grow up in an environment such as this, it is no wonder why we, as adults, may feel overwhelmed by strong emotions.
Learning to properly respond to feelings and challenges is a skill that is developed over years of observing role models and experimenting with our own abilities. If we have not developed these skills in childhood we may be emotionally immature.
We can learn the skills necessary to function in a healthy manner in all our interactions. It may take practice, learning new skills and a great deal of failure before we finally become adept at handling our strong feelings appropriately, but we can master the necessary skills with time and practice.
We have the ability to practice a form of mental self defense where we either deny a challenge exists all together, or we rationalize away its severity. We may intellectualize our issues, not allowing ourselves to feel our emotions fully. We may do this to minimize pain and loss, or in an attempt to keep ourselves from recognizing the truth of our situation.
We may have begun learning this defense mechanism when we were children. If we lived in a family of origin where there was a great deal of chaos we may have needed this defense in order to survive. As we grow into adults we may find that our old defense mechanisms have begun to hinder our ability to fully participate in our own lives. We may be incapable of recognizing when we are being treated poorly. We may be unable to experience joy. We may be marching through life in a state of suspended emotional animation, existing, but not living.
When we begin our walk on the path of recovery we may initially find our emotions overwhelming and feel incapable of handling the waves of feelings that surge through our minds and bodies. As time progresses we become more comfortable within ourselves and feel capable of handling our strong emotions. We may recall that as children we may have had no one to guide us through the maze of our own feelings. They may have been strong and frightening, so we locked them away. Now that we are adults we can unlock those stored childhood feelings, process them in our adult minds and allow them to become a part of us.
In healthy families adults model appropriate reactions to strong emotions by regulating their responses. In dysfunctional families there may be no responsible adult present to serve as role model. The only model we see may be an emotionally frightened or enraged caretaker who is incapable of managing their own feelings and is acting out. If we grow up in an environment such as this, it is no wonder why we, as adults, may feel overwhelmed by strong emotions.
Learning to properly respond to feelings and challenges is a skill that is developed over years of observing role models and experimenting with our own abilities. If we have not developed these skills in childhood we may be emotionally immature.
We can learn the skills necessary to function in a healthy manner in all our interactions. It may take practice, learning new skills and a great deal of failure before we finally become adept at handling our strong feelings appropriately, but we can master the necessary skills with time and practice.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Volunteering - A Path to Better Self Esteem
How can we feel better about our own life? What can we do to improve our self esteem?
In addition to the recovery work that we practice in our daily lives we have another avenue open to us for increasing our self esteem. Volunteering. When we avail ourselves of the opportunity to help others we leave our own issues and difficulties behind and focus outside ourselves for a time. We become immersed in the problems of others and in the process may gain some perspective on our own issues.
One of the most wonderful ways we can accomplish this task during the holidays is a creation of the United States Postal Service called Operation Santa Claus. The movement had its beginnings in the 1920's when postal workers took letters from the dead letter office address to Santa and chipped in some of their own funds to buy gift for needy children. Since that time the New York City postal workers at the post office located at 33rd Street and Eighth Avenue, behind Madison Square Garden, have collected the letters and set them aside for folks to read over and choose each year, beginning in December. These postal workers do this on their own time without pay each year. It is estimated that this year there may be up to 200,000 letters due to the economic down turn.
Let us each take a moment this year and choose to give a child who will receive nothing a gift. If your own economic circumstances don't permit the expense of any funds, making something creative will fill the void nicely.
I have participated in Operation Santa Claus and have found it made my holidays the most fulfilling of all. Here is a link to an article about Operation Santa Claus.
http://www.operationlettertosanta.com/Pages/story_1.htm
In addition to the recovery work that we practice in our daily lives we have another avenue open to us for increasing our self esteem. Volunteering. When we avail ourselves of the opportunity to help others we leave our own issues and difficulties behind and focus outside ourselves for a time. We become immersed in the problems of others and in the process may gain some perspective on our own issues.
One of the most wonderful ways we can accomplish this task during the holidays is a creation of the United States Postal Service called Operation Santa Claus. The movement had its beginnings in the 1920's when postal workers took letters from the dead letter office address to Santa and chipped in some of their own funds to buy gift for needy children. Since that time the New York City postal workers at the post office located at 33rd Street and Eighth Avenue, behind Madison Square Garden, have collected the letters and set them aside for folks to read over and choose each year, beginning in December. These postal workers do this on their own time without pay each year. It is estimated that this year there may be up to 200,000 letters due to the economic down turn.
Let us each take a moment this year and choose to give a child who will receive nothing a gift. If your own economic circumstances don't permit the expense of any funds, making something creative will fill the void nicely.
I have participated in Operation Santa Claus and have found it made my holidays the most fulfilling of all. Here is a link to an article about Operation Santa Claus.
http://www.operationlettertosanta.com/Pages/story_1.htm
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Where Do Relationship Ideals Come From?
Where do we get our concept of what relationships should look like? How to these ideas affect our relationship with our partner? What can we do to compensate for differences in our relationship vision?
When we are very young we observe the world around us. We are like a sponge absorbing all that our senses can detect. We watch our caretakers as they go about their daily lives. As they interact with one another they serve as an example of partnership relationship behavior. As we grow up, we observe relationships other than that of our family of origin. We see other adults interact on a daily basis. We see our peers behaviors. We watch television, absorbing ideas regarding relationships from that venue. By the time we have reached the end of our adolescence we have observed thousands of relationships from a wide variety of sources.
Our earliest observations within our family of origin forms the basis for our values and beliefs regarding how adult relationships are formed and maintained. If our family of origin was healthy, balanced and communication was open, we will come to expect our relationship to mirror those values. If our partner came from a family of origin where there was hostility, dysfunction and a lack of communication we will have opposite expectations.
As we enter into a relationship with our partner the difference in our backgrounds may cause us difficulties in our partnership. We may, for example, expect to talk through problems whereas our partner may not wish to acknowledge problems. We may find that over time we experience discomfort due to the difference in the way each of us handles our emotions and how that difference affects our relationship.
If we are to create harmony and balance in our relationship we must find a way to communicate with our partner in a way that our partner is able to hear. We look for common ground, shared goals and values as a starting point. Once we have discovered that we essentially want to reach the same goals, the path to meeting those goals becomes easier to forge. As we share our values and ideals we may find that we share more commonality than we previously knew. As we work toward a solution we keep our shared vision prominently in view, keeping us on track toward our goals.
We adjust our expectations of one another as we walk the path we have chosen. Perfection is not the goal. We will both experience setbacks as we work toward our shared vision. With compassion and deliberation, we take two steps forward and one back on our road to balance and harmony in our relationship.
When we are very young we observe the world around us. We are like a sponge absorbing all that our senses can detect. We watch our caretakers as they go about their daily lives. As they interact with one another they serve as an example of partnership relationship behavior. As we grow up, we observe relationships other than that of our family of origin. We see other adults interact on a daily basis. We see our peers behaviors. We watch television, absorbing ideas regarding relationships from that venue. By the time we have reached the end of our adolescence we have observed thousands of relationships from a wide variety of sources.
Our earliest observations within our family of origin forms the basis for our values and beliefs regarding how adult relationships are formed and maintained. If our family of origin was healthy, balanced and communication was open, we will come to expect our relationship to mirror those values. If our partner came from a family of origin where there was hostility, dysfunction and a lack of communication we will have opposite expectations.
As we enter into a relationship with our partner the difference in our backgrounds may cause us difficulties in our partnership. We may, for example, expect to talk through problems whereas our partner may not wish to acknowledge problems. We may find that over time we experience discomfort due to the difference in the way each of us handles our emotions and how that difference affects our relationship.
If we are to create harmony and balance in our relationship we must find a way to communicate with our partner in a way that our partner is able to hear. We look for common ground, shared goals and values as a starting point. Once we have discovered that we essentially want to reach the same goals, the path to meeting those goals becomes easier to forge. As we share our values and ideals we may find that we share more commonality than we previously knew. As we work toward a solution we keep our shared vision prominently in view, keeping us on track toward our goals.
We adjust our expectations of one another as we walk the path we have chosen. Perfection is not the goal. We will both experience setbacks as we work toward our shared vision. With compassion and deliberation, we take two steps forward and one back on our road to balance and harmony in our relationship.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Being the Right Person
The key to succeeding in any relationship is not finding the right person, it's being the right person.
That is a powerful statement. Many of us go through life looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. We scour the night time scene, go out with a myriad of folks, suffer through endless blind dates and end up no further along than when we began. We have missed the most important point of all.
We attract not what we want, but who we are. As we think carefully about that statement we wonder... Would I want to date myself? Would I make a good partner? Am I a person I would want to be with in a relationship?
When we finally do find a partner and enter into a relationship, we may find it challenging over time to maintain the happiness we first discovered together. When that happens it is easy to point fingers at our partner and blame them for the challenges we face. When we are busy looking at another and blaming them for the problems we share, we have no energy left to look at ourselves and see our part in the conflict.
We must recall that no one is blameless when conflict arise in a relationship. Each of us has our part and must take responsibility for what we have or have not done to make the relationship work.
One of the primary areas we work at is personal growth. We have a lifetime dedicated to this task. We practice the art of self care and recovery daily. We continue to use our tools to see ourselves in the clearest light while learning to exercise discernment regarding our behavior and those with whom we associate. As we learn to trust ourselves and our ability to assess situations accurately, our self esteem increases. In this way we give ourselves the gift of sound judgement.
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That is a powerful statement. Many of us go through life looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. We scour the night time scene, go out with a myriad of folks, suffer through endless blind dates and end up no further along than when we began. We have missed the most important point of all.
We attract not what we want, but who we are. As we think carefully about that statement we wonder... Would I want to date myself? Would I make a good partner? Am I a person I would want to be with in a relationship?
When we finally do find a partner and enter into a relationship, we may find it challenging over time to maintain the happiness we first discovered together. When that happens it is easy to point fingers at our partner and blame them for the challenges we face. When we are busy looking at another and blaming them for the problems we share, we have no energy left to look at ourselves and see our part in the conflict.
We must recall that no one is blameless when conflict arise in a relationship. Each of us has our part and must take responsibility for what we have or have not done to make the relationship work.
One of the primary areas we work at is personal growth. We have a lifetime dedicated to this task. We practice the art of self care and recovery daily. We continue to use our tools to see ourselves in the clearest light while learning to exercise discernment regarding our behavior and those with whom we associate. As we learn to trust ourselves and our ability to assess situations accurately, our self esteem increases. In this way we give ourselves the gift of sound judgement.
Monday, July 6, 2009
How Do I Save My Crumbling Relationship?
We are in the process of watching our current relationship fail...
Does this seem all too familiar? What happened? Why do we keep on having the same problems year after year, relationship after relationship? Do we just keep picking the wrong partner?
At some point we consider that the one common denominator in each of our relationships is us. When we finally come to that realization, we have begun to see clearly. The one thing we do have control over in our lives is us. We cannot control how others behave, what they think or how they live their lives. When we finally grasp the truth, that the only person we can control is ourselves, we begin to see the light.
As long as we are trying to control something or someone other than ourselves, we give our power away to that which we try (in vain) to control. Once we realize that we can only control ourselves and allow others to do the same, life gets much less complicated. We focus on what we can control... us... and let our partner focus on what they can control... them.
It is probable that we have participated in the destruction of each of our relationships in pretty much the same manner from relationship to relationship. We begin with an obsessive and captivating eros form of love for our partner. Over time as that love began to change from obsession and eros into the more mature form, agape, we begin to notice little irritations about our partner.
As each of us tries to exert more and more control over the behavior of the other, we become harsh and unpleasant. The wonderful acceptance that blossomed initially in the relationship has vanished only to be replaced by criticism and complaints. In an atmosphere such as this, change does not happen. In order for change to take place, we need to feel accepted. Once we feel accepted as we are, we can begin to make the changes we wish to make to please our beloved.
As our irritation, criticism and complaints grow our relationship diminishes until there is nothing left but the opportunity to leave. If we experience the same kind of failure in one relationship after another we need to look within. How are we contributing to the demise of our love? Is there an answer?
The answer is empathy and acceptance. Compassion for our partner must precede a healthy relationship. Once we can feel empathy for their situation and accept our partner as they are, we are on the road to a balanced healthy relationship that will strengthen instead of falter over time.
Does this seem all too familiar? What happened? Why do we keep on having the same problems year after year, relationship after relationship? Do we just keep picking the wrong partner?
At some point we consider that the one common denominator in each of our relationships is us. When we finally come to that realization, we have begun to see clearly. The one thing we do have control over in our lives is us. We cannot control how others behave, what they think or how they live their lives. When we finally grasp the truth, that the only person we can control is ourselves, we begin to see the light.
As long as we are trying to control something or someone other than ourselves, we give our power away to that which we try (in vain) to control. Once we realize that we can only control ourselves and allow others to do the same, life gets much less complicated. We focus on what we can control... us... and let our partner focus on what they can control... them.
It is probable that we have participated in the destruction of each of our relationships in pretty much the same manner from relationship to relationship. We begin with an obsessive and captivating eros form of love for our partner. Over time as that love began to change from obsession and eros into the more mature form, agape, we begin to notice little irritations about our partner.
As each of us tries to exert more and more control over the behavior of the other, we become harsh and unpleasant. The wonderful acceptance that blossomed initially in the relationship has vanished only to be replaced by criticism and complaints. In an atmosphere such as this, change does not happen. In order for change to take place, we need to feel accepted. Once we feel accepted as we are, we can begin to make the changes we wish to make to please our beloved.
As our irritation, criticism and complaints grow our relationship diminishes until there is nothing left but the opportunity to leave. If we experience the same kind of failure in one relationship after another we need to look within. How are we contributing to the demise of our love? Is there an answer?
The answer is empathy and acceptance. Compassion for our partner must precede a healthy relationship. Once we can feel empathy for their situation and accept our partner as they are, we are on the road to a balanced healthy relationship that will strengthen instead of falter over time.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Why am I So Afraid of FEAR?
FEAR... False Expectations Appearing Real. That is quite an acronym. Fears can be real or imagined. Staring into the face of a sabre tooth tiger and fearing for your life is quite real. Most of the fears we face today occur when we have insufficient information available to make an informed decision. We don't know all that we need to create a full picture so we fill in the blanks with our own experiences. Unfortunately our experiences may not apply to the situation at hand. We finish the painting, but alas we didn't start it and don't know the outcome the artist had in mind. Instead of completing the Mona Lisa, we end up with Dogs at Cards.
Fears can cause a multitude of problems in relationships. An example: When faced with an upcoming family gathering involving meeting new people for the first time, one partner may feel insecure. The insecurity may be based in low self esteem. Fear may take hold and as the event approaches the fearful partner may become ill and unable to attend. If this pattern manifests frequently in the relationship the other partner may eventually become angry and accuse the ill partner of not liking the family. A lack of understanding may cause a failure to communicate that the underlying issue is a fear of not being accepted.
It can be quite difficult to verbalize fears. Many of us experienced fear and trauma at an age where verbal language was not within our grasp. Two year olds have just learned how to ask for food or a toy. They do not have the words to discuss feelings. When caretakers frighten children with strong emotions of their own, such as anger or rage, children may become traumatized. Even five year olds rarely have the available verbiage to talk about emotions. If our caretakers were busy taking care of siblings, tending to a sick parent, going to work everyday and doing chores at home, going to school or just watching TV all day, no one was available to help us translate emotions into words. If our caretakers are the ones reacting with strong emotions, yelling often or becoming violent, there is no safe place for a child to take their emotions and get comfort and explanations.
By the time we have the needed vocabulary we are approaching twelve or thirteen years of age. At this point we have learned much about expressing feelings from our family of origin as well as our friends. Feelings may be unacceptable if our home is dysfunctional. Our experience with friends may make it uncool to talk about feelings. We may enter into adulthood almost illiterate regarding emotions. We have emotions, but may not be able to find the words to describe our feelings. This makes processing emotions quite difficult. We need language to allow our thinking brains to integrate our emotions into our selves.
This inability to join words to feelings leave us unable to tolerate strong emotions. We feel extreme unmanagability when strong emotions arrive. We react with our defenses to squelch the uncomfortable feelings. We have not learned how to process strong emotions and we are frightened by their intensity. As we learn which words to attach to the emotions we feel, our thinking brain can process them. We can integrate this new knowledge into our inner selves. Then next time the same strong emotion occurs we can be ready with our words. Our thinking minds can logically process the feelings for us creating increased self esteem and a feeling of control over our reactions.
This is vital for long term health. In order to create balance in our daily lives we must be able to process our emotions with our thinking minds. To rely on our reactive mind to guide us through the maze of feelings through our lives is inadvisable. It may leave us open to bouts of uncontrolled basic emotions, such as rage. These strong unprocessed raw emotions can be terrifying to witness, both for the one experiencing the emotions as well as for their partner.
The external view of raw unprocessed emotions appears uncontrolled and extremely frightening. Especially to a small child, unprocessed raw feelings may be traumatic. We want to avoid passing down our issues to the next generation. We have a grave responsibility to learn the words we need to process our emotions into feelings that we understand. Through our recovery work we have learned tools we can use to deal with issues, such as feeling overwhelmed or angry. Once our emotions have been processed into understandable feelings we can practice self care. Through using our tools we increase our self esteem and feel capable of controlling our strong emotions.
Fears can cause a multitude of problems in relationships. An example: When faced with an upcoming family gathering involving meeting new people for the first time, one partner may feel insecure. The insecurity may be based in low self esteem. Fear may take hold and as the event approaches the fearful partner may become ill and unable to attend. If this pattern manifests frequently in the relationship the other partner may eventually become angry and accuse the ill partner of not liking the family. A lack of understanding may cause a failure to communicate that the underlying issue is a fear of not being accepted.
It can be quite difficult to verbalize fears. Many of us experienced fear and trauma at an age where verbal language was not within our grasp. Two year olds have just learned how to ask for food or a toy. They do not have the words to discuss feelings. When caretakers frighten children with strong emotions of their own, such as anger or rage, children may become traumatized. Even five year olds rarely have the available verbiage to talk about emotions. If our caretakers were busy taking care of siblings, tending to a sick parent, going to work everyday and doing chores at home, going to school or just watching TV all day, no one was available to help us translate emotions into words. If our caretakers are the ones reacting with strong emotions, yelling often or becoming violent, there is no safe place for a child to take their emotions and get comfort and explanations.
By the time we have the needed vocabulary we are approaching twelve or thirteen years of age. At this point we have learned much about expressing feelings from our family of origin as well as our friends. Feelings may be unacceptable if our home is dysfunctional. Our experience with friends may make it uncool to talk about feelings. We may enter into adulthood almost illiterate regarding emotions. We have emotions, but may not be able to find the words to describe our feelings. This makes processing emotions quite difficult. We need language to allow our thinking brains to integrate our emotions into our selves.
This inability to join words to feelings leave us unable to tolerate strong emotions. We feel extreme unmanagability when strong emotions arrive. We react with our defenses to squelch the uncomfortable feelings. We have not learned how to process strong emotions and we are frightened by their intensity. As we learn which words to attach to the emotions we feel, our thinking brain can process them. We can integrate this new knowledge into our inner selves. Then next time the same strong emotion occurs we can be ready with our words. Our thinking minds can logically process the feelings for us creating increased self esteem and a feeling of control over our reactions.
This is vital for long term health. In order to create balance in our daily lives we must be able to process our emotions with our thinking minds. To rely on our reactive mind to guide us through the maze of feelings through our lives is inadvisable. It may leave us open to bouts of uncontrolled basic emotions, such as rage. These strong unprocessed raw emotions can be terrifying to witness, both for the one experiencing the emotions as well as for their partner.
The external view of raw unprocessed emotions appears uncontrolled and extremely frightening. Especially to a small child, unprocessed raw feelings may be traumatic. We want to avoid passing down our issues to the next generation. We have a grave responsibility to learn the words we need to process our emotions into feelings that we understand. Through our recovery work we have learned tools we can use to deal with issues, such as feeling overwhelmed or angry. Once our emotions have been processed into understandable feelings we can practice self care. Through using our tools we increase our self esteem and feel capable of controlling our strong emotions.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Shock and Disbelief... My Partner Wants to Leave
Spent some time tonight reading the blogs posted by folks going through serious difficulties with their partners. It seemed that there was a pattern in relationship failure that cropped up over and over again. One partner being shocked by the other wanting to leave the relationship and seemingly completely unaware of the deep unhappiness that their partner was feeling.
This speaks to a lack of communication between partners, as well as a failure on the part of both parties to address issues before they become serious road blocks to moving forward. In many instances small problems are swept under the rug as partners try to get along. They do not want to spend their time talking out thorny issues that they may feel are too explosive or too difficult to try to negotiate via compromise. Some may convince themselves that they are doing their partner a favor in keeping the peace. In reality, those issues that do not get discussed are generally the ones that are most important and need attention.
The investment of time discussing and working through smaller problems may eliminate the necessity of dealing with huge hurdles later on in the relationship. Getting along on a day to day basis is crucial in building a foundation for the future. However, ignoring small irritations eventually builds walls between partners that over time may turn into resentment and bitterness. The bricks in a wall of resentment cemented by bitterness are very difficult to tear down.
It behooves us to take what is called the five year test when deciding to address an issue. Will this matter in five years? If the answer is yes, then it must eventually be deal with at an appropriate time. If the answer is no, why deal with it at all. In this way we select what is important to us according to our values. We want to win overall in the relationship, not focus on the small unimportant nuisances. We must be honest with ourselves if this strategy is going to succeed. Can we really live with the issue in our daily lives if we do not address it? Do we have the tools to let it go? Does this violate one of our core values or beliefs? If we are truly honest with ourselves, we can navigate what may appear to be a mine field with clarity and self knowledge.
Our goal is to make our relationships more joyful and fulfilling. Effective communication may take up large blocks of time and feel awkward initially, but the dividends paid in the long run in intimacy and self esteem are priceless.
This speaks to a lack of communication between partners, as well as a failure on the part of both parties to address issues before they become serious road blocks to moving forward. In many instances small problems are swept under the rug as partners try to get along. They do not want to spend their time talking out thorny issues that they may feel are too explosive or too difficult to try to negotiate via compromise. Some may convince themselves that they are doing their partner a favor in keeping the peace. In reality, those issues that do not get discussed are generally the ones that are most important and need attention.
The investment of time discussing and working through smaller problems may eliminate the necessity of dealing with huge hurdles later on in the relationship. Getting along on a day to day basis is crucial in building a foundation for the future. However, ignoring small irritations eventually builds walls between partners that over time may turn into resentment and bitterness. The bricks in a wall of resentment cemented by bitterness are very difficult to tear down.
It behooves us to take what is called the five year test when deciding to address an issue. Will this matter in five years? If the answer is yes, then it must eventually be deal with at an appropriate time. If the answer is no, why deal with it at all. In this way we select what is important to us according to our values. We want to win overall in the relationship, not focus on the small unimportant nuisances. We must be honest with ourselves if this strategy is going to succeed. Can we really live with the issue in our daily lives if we do not address it? Do we have the tools to let it go? Does this violate one of our core values or beliefs? If we are truly honest with ourselves, we can navigate what may appear to be a mine field with clarity and self knowledge.
Our goal is to make our relationships more joyful and fulfilling. Effective communication may take up large blocks of time and feel awkward initially, but the dividends paid in the long run in intimacy and self esteem are priceless.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Family
Family... that word can conjure up such mixed emotions. For some, there is great anticipation of the next visit and pleasant memories of the past. For others, there is much trepidation. Will this time be okay, or will Dad blow his fuse? Will Mom drink too much? Will Brother steal again? Will Sister be high again?
Our family of origin can be a place of nurturing or of dysfunction. As we walk down our path of recovery, time with our families can be plagued with discomfort. We are no longer participating in the denial and white washing that has been the status quo since we were children. We clearly see the elephant in the living room. How do we continue to have relationships with our families when they are not on a path to recovery? What do we do to practice self care when faced with the dysfunctional patterns of our family of origin?
We begin by realizing that those who come to recovery do so in their own time. We cannot force another to take those first steps anymore than we can force a dog to become a cat. Each of us has within us a locked door leading to change that can only be opened from the inside. Our only path is that of detachment and acceptance. We can dislike the behavior that our father displays when he loses his temper, but we continue to love the person within. We can feel dismay when our mother drinks excessively, but we still love the individual. We can be angered by our brother's stealing, yet love him regardless. We can feel disappointment that our sister continues to abuse her body with drugs, but continue to love the human being.
We separate the person's actions, which we find offensive, from the person within, the human being, realizing that all are fallible. We try to accept that each of the members of our family are simply people with problems. We focus on what we can do to take care of ourselves. We use our tools to keep ourselves centered. We try to keep a healthy perspective throughout our visit. When we are able, we take time to practice self care. We use our tools: journaling, taking a time out, walking, calling a trusted friend, just to name a few. We can limit our visit if necessary. We can listen if someone needs to talk, but we try not to get pulled into the old family drama. We try not to take the bait. This can be a very difficult balancing act requiring much effort at living in the moment. We try to enjoy what we can while we are with our family.
We may not be successful during our first attempts. We will be better over time as we practice. Recovery is always three steps forward and two steps back. We practice patience with ourselves as we continue on our path, using our tools and practicing self care. In this way we give ourselves the gift of possibilities. Possibilities of relationships with our family based on honesty.
Our family of origin can be a place of nurturing or of dysfunction. As we walk down our path of recovery, time with our families can be plagued with discomfort. We are no longer participating in the denial and white washing that has been the status quo since we were children. We clearly see the elephant in the living room. How do we continue to have relationships with our families when they are not on a path to recovery? What do we do to practice self care when faced with the dysfunctional patterns of our family of origin?
We begin by realizing that those who come to recovery do so in their own time. We cannot force another to take those first steps anymore than we can force a dog to become a cat. Each of us has within us a locked door leading to change that can only be opened from the inside. Our only path is that of detachment and acceptance. We can dislike the behavior that our father displays when he loses his temper, but we continue to love the person within. We can feel dismay when our mother drinks excessively, but we still love the individual. We can be angered by our brother's stealing, yet love him regardless. We can feel disappointment that our sister continues to abuse her body with drugs, but continue to love the human being.
We separate the person's actions, which we find offensive, from the person within, the human being, realizing that all are fallible. We try to accept that each of the members of our family are simply people with problems. We focus on what we can do to take care of ourselves. We use our tools to keep ourselves centered. We try to keep a healthy perspective throughout our visit. When we are able, we take time to practice self care. We use our tools: journaling, taking a time out, walking, calling a trusted friend, just to name a few. We can limit our visit if necessary. We can listen if someone needs to talk, but we try not to get pulled into the old family drama. We try not to take the bait. This can be a very difficult balancing act requiring much effort at living in the moment. We try to enjoy what we can while we are with our family.
We may not be successful during our first attempts. We will be better over time as we practice. Recovery is always three steps forward and two steps back. We practice patience with ourselves as we continue on our path, using our tools and practicing self care. In this way we give ourselves the gift of possibilities. Possibilities of relationships with our family based on honesty.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Communication Patterns
We are in a new relationship. We feel passion and joy once again in our daily lives. All the difficulties from our last relationship fade as we enjoy our new found partner. Time seems to stand still as we enjoy life once again. We believe our problems are finally behind us. They were, after all, caused by our previous partner. Gradually we begin to feel discomfort. We notice small annoyances at first, then larger problems surface. We find that we are once again plagued by the same difficulties which we left behind in our last relationship. We are puzzled by this development. How it is possible that we have once again selected someone who exhibits behaviors so much like our last partner?
This scenario may seem quite familiar to many of us. We select the same partner again and again. The names may change, but the inner persona seems to be the same. We are confounded by this pattern. We want to make better choices, but seem to be attracted to the same basic qualities. How do we change? What can we do to alter our result?
We begin by looking at ourselves. We may be unhappy with the result we achieve in our selection, but our choice is being fueled us in some way we have not yet recognized. We investigate our earliest memories to detect how we learned to communicate with others. We recall whether we learned to adapt when difficulties arose... whether we were taught to respect others when differences of opinion emerged.
We learn how to relate to partners when we are small. We watch our caretakers interact with one another. We observe as they disagree, discuss, compromise and resolve their issues. We are very young and unable to assess whether their communication style is healthy. We merely adopt their pattern.
What happens when we come from a family where we don't see disagreement, discussion, compromise and resolution? We may not learn the skills necessary for cultivating healthy relationships. When we come from a dysfunctional family of origin, it is likely that we will continue those dysfunctional patterns when we initiate relationships. We may have had no other example to follow. We may believe that our family of origin was healthy, and that the communication styles expressed are common and acceptable.
Many relationships suffer because partners have learned opposing communication styles from their family of origin. One partner may be a communicator, wanting to talk through issues and discuss solutions. The other may be a non-communicator who is uncomfortable discussing problems and wants to minimize difficult conversation. This partnership may suffer from internal stresses as the two individuals struggle to meet their own needs.
Learning the tool of dialogue may help both parties to meet each others needs. The communicator may be constrained from verbalizing immediately, giving the non-communicator time to process their feelings and position surrounding the issue. The non-communicator may also be obliged to agree to discussion once they have processed their feelings and clarified their position.
In dialogue, the partners listen to one another attentively, each having an opportunity to express themselves in their entirety and then receive feedback. Although dialogue may feel awkward initially, over time this tool can overcome significant communication differences and pave the way for a healthier relationship. As we feel heard we are more able to be present when listening to our partner. This validation allows increased self esteem. As our self esteem rises our ability to effectively communicate increases as well. We use our tools, practice self care and give ourselves the gift of increased communication skills and healthier relationships.
This scenario may seem quite familiar to many of us. We select the same partner again and again. The names may change, but the inner persona seems to be the same. We are confounded by this pattern. We want to make better choices, but seem to be attracted to the same basic qualities. How do we change? What can we do to alter our result?
We begin by looking at ourselves. We may be unhappy with the result we achieve in our selection, but our choice is being fueled us in some way we have not yet recognized. We investigate our earliest memories to detect how we learned to communicate with others. We recall whether we learned to adapt when difficulties arose... whether we were taught to respect others when differences of opinion emerged.
We learn how to relate to partners when we are small. We watch our caretakers interact with one another. We observe as they disagree, discuss, compromise and resolve their issues. We are very young and unable to assess whether their communication style is healthy. We merely adopt their pattern.
What happens when we come from a family where we don't see disagreement, discussion, compromise and resolution? We may not learn the skills necessary for cultivating healthy relationships. When we come from a dysfunctional family of origin, it is likely that we will continue those dysfunctional patterns when we initiate relationships. We may have had no other example to follow. We may believe that our family of origin was healthy, and that the communication styles expressed are common and acceptable.
Many relationships suffer because partners have learned opposing communication styles from their family of origin. One partner may be a communicator, wanting to talk through issues and discuss solutions. The other may be a non-communicator who is uncomfortable discussing problems and wants to minimize difficult conversation. This partnership may suffer from internal stresses as the two individuals struggle to meet their own needs.
Learning the tool of dialogue may help both parties to meet each others needs. The communicator may be constrained from verbalizing immediately, giving the non-communicator time to process their feelings and position surrounding the issue. The non-communicator may also be obliged to agree to discussion once they have processed their feelings and clarified their position.
In dialogue, the partners listen to one another attentively, each having an opportunity to express themselves in their entirety and then receive feedback. Although dialogue may feel awkward initially, over time this tool can overcome significant communication differences and pave the way for a healthier relationship. As we feel heard we are more able to be present when listening to our partner. This validation allows increased self esteem. As our self esteem rises our ability to effectively communicate increases as well. We use our tools, practice self care and give ourselves the gift of increased communication skills and healthier relationships.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Drama Addiction
When things are going well, we "wait for the other shoe to drop". We don't have time to sit back and relax... there's so much chaos going on right now that we have to manage, or there will be a disaster. Every time the phone rings someone at the other end of the line is having a major problem and we need to attend to it now. Sound familiar?
This is the sound of drama addiction. We have no time to live our own lives because we are so busy attending to everyone else. Why do we adopt this mode of constantly making work for ourselves? What would we be doing if we disconnected from other peoples issues and problems and instead focused on our own lives? Some of us have been living through others for so long that we have lost our own lives along the way. We have neglected our self for such a long time that we no longer know who we are. Without the drama, who would we be? Wouldn't it be fun to find out?
We have a choice. We can elect to let others solve their own problems and attend to the business of living our own lives. Although we will get plenty of change back messages, if we keep minding our own business and letting others do the same, eventually they will begin to pick up the slack. This will give us the freedom to explore what self care feels like on a daily basis. We can begin to fill our own lives with the fun hobbies and activities that we enjoy. We can begin to live our lives again, to feel joy and wonder at the world and to engage the present.
This is the sound of drama addiction. We have no time to live our own lives because we are so busy attending to everyone else. Why do we adopt this mode of constantly making work for ourselves? What would we be doing if we disconnected from other peoples issues and problems and instead focused on our own lives? Some of us have been living through others for so long that we have lost our own lives along the way. We have neglected our self for such a long time that we no longer know who we are. Without the drama, who would we be? Wouldn't it be fun to find out?
We have a choice. We can elect to let others solve their own problems and attend to the business of living our own lives. Although we will get plenty of change back messages, if we keep minding our own business and letting others do the same, eventually they will begin to pick up the slack. This will give us the freedom to explore what self care feels like on a daily basis. We can begin to fill our own lives with the fun hobbies and activities that we enjoy. We can begin to live our lives again, to feel joy and wonder at the world and to engage the present.
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