How do we cope with our strong feelings when we are dealing with someone who is unaware of how their behavior affects others?
Often times we are forced to deal with people… especially in family situations and surrounding holidays events… who are unaware of how their actions appear to others. It is common for us to believe that our intentions are visible, when in fact it is only our actions that can be seen and felt by those around us.
If others are feeling overwhelmed and their actions impact us, what can we do to practice self care? We use our tools… deep breathing… taking a walk… calling a friend… journaling… prayer… letting go. If necessary we give ourselves permission to leave the situation and take a time out until we feel more balanced. We cannot be emotionally present for others if we are not practicing self care. If practical, we can return once we are centered to discuss the situation in an attempt to resolve issues.
Part of self care is effectively managing expectations. If we have a history of unresolved issues involving family, we must learn to expect whatever family dynamics exist to continue. We can choose not to participate in unhealthy situations. We expect many change back messages from those who are uncomfortable with our growth. We can understand their discomfort… empathize… and still maintain our healthy boundaries.
The holidays can be an especially trying time as we interact with our family of origin. Old issues that lie beneath the surface may be triggered by interactions with siblings, parents or extended family. We owe it to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care and manage expectations. In this way we have the ability to spend our time with our families while still maintaining healthy boundaries and working on more positive interactions.
Showing posts with label change back messages. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change back messages. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Am I Practicing Self Care or Being Selfish?
Can self care become selfishness? How do we keep ourselves in balance?
Self care is an important part of our recovery effort. We learn to care for ourselves. We set effective boundaries, avoid the drama of others, stay balanced and keep ourselves from becoming overwhelmed in the face of lifes challenges. We practice discernment, use our tools to cope effectively, and in the process increase our self esteem.
As we begin to practice self care and learn to set effective boundaries we change. That change brings discomfort to our partner. We are no longer willing to do things that our partner can and should do for themselves. As a result, we begin to receive change back messages from our partner. This is their response to the stress our changes bring into their life. We exercise patience, showing our partner our committment to our recovery and allowing them the time to catch up. We use discernment to detect when we are being drawn into the drama of others, keeping ourselves in balance. When we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed as a result of the strength of our emotions, we use our tools to bring ourselves back into balance, recognizing that we cannot effectively help our partner to cope when we ourselves are overwhelmed.
As long as our self care is focused on achieving balance for the purpose of being able to be emotionally present in our relationship with our partner, as well as for our overall health, we will be practicing self care and not selfishness. When we allow our defense mechanisms and fear to control us, we lose sight of healthy boundaries and begin to focus too much on ourselves and our issues. When that happens too often, we may fail to be emotionally present for our partner and our relationship. We cannot be centered at all times, but we can strive for balance in a consistent manner.
During our growth and change our partner may feel unsure of our relationship. We take the initiative, reaffirming our love and devotion to both our partner and our relationship, allowing our partner to take these new patterns of interacting in stride. We recall that change creates discomfort and unease and give our partner plenty of time and the space necessary to adapt.
As we walk our path of recovery we find that we take three steps forward and two back testing our resolve and misstepping frequently. We will learn slowly, carefully, in our own time, how to maintain balance without seeming insensitive or too self involved. Recovery may not be easy, but we find that the rewards are well worth the effort as we feel our self esteem grow stronger day by day.
Self care is an important part of our recovery effort. We learn to care for ourselves. We set effective boundaries, avoid the drama of others, stay balanced and keep ourselves from becoming overwhelmed in the face of lifes challenges. We practice discernment, use our tools to cope effectively, and in the process increase our self esteem.
As we begin to practice self care and learn to set effective boundaries we change. That change brings discomfort to our partner. We are no longer willing to do things that our partner can and should do for themselves. As a result, we begin to receive change back messages from our partner. This is their response to the stress our changes bring into their life. We exercise patience, showing our partner our committment to our recovery and allowing them the time to catch up. We use discernment to detect when we are being drawn into the drama of others, keeping ourselves in balance. When we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed as a result of the strength of our emotions, we use our tools to bring ourselves back into balance, recognizing that we cannot effectively help our partner to cope when we ourselves are overwhelmed.
As long as our self care is focused on achieving balance for the purpose of being able to be emotionally present in our relationship with our partner, as well as for our overall health, we will be practicing self care and not selfishness. When we allow our defense mechanisms and fear to control us, we lose sight of healthy boundaries and begin to focus too much on ourselves and our issues. When that happens too often, we may fail to be emotionally present for our partner and our relationship. We cannot be centered at all times, but we can strive for balance in a consistent manner.
During our growth and change our partner may feel unsure of our relationship. We take the initiative, reaffirming our love and devotion to both our partner and our relationship, allowing our partner to take these new patterns of interacting in stride. We recall that change creates discomfort and unease and give our partner plenty of time and the space necessary to adapt.
As we walk our path of recovery we find that we take three steps forward and two back testing our resolve and misstepping frequently. We will learn slowly, carefully, in our own time, how to maintain balance without seeming insensitive or too self involved. Recovery may not be easy, but we find that the rewards are well worth the effort as we feel our self esteem grow stronger day by day.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Negative Attention Is Better Than None
Negative attention is better than none. We parents know what that means when we think of disciplining our children. How does this concept apply in our adult relationships?
When we are dealing with our partner we may need to set boundaries in certain areas of our lives as a part of self care. We do so in a loving way, letting our partner know that we value them and our relationship. Many times when we set a new boundary we will get change back messages telling us that our partner is not readily accepting this new development. There may be refusal to go along as well as much complaining.
If we have been practicing self care and using our tools we are prepared for this eventuality and may expect that it will happen. We lovingly keep our word and allow our partner time to adjust to the new boundary. During this time it is imperative that we ignore the negative attention that change back messages engender and respond with support to the positive actions our partner takes in beginning to show acceptance. We must remember that change is difficult for us as well and give our partner the time needed to absorb what has happened.
As time passes and the relationship once again begins to settle within the new boundaries, we show our appreciation for the changes our partner has made. We give them the approval they deserve to feel valued for their contribution to the relationship in accepting this new situation. It is vital to the health of our relationship that we acknowledge the difficulty that we all experience in dealing with change, reinforcing the positive behaviors of our partner and ignoring the negative whenever possible.
We all experience change as a difficult and wrenching time we would rather not have to encounter. Life hold few guarantees, but one of them is that change will occur. Our ability to accept change and acknowledge how difficult that acceptance is for others, gives us humility. It reminds us that we are all human, capable of inflexibility and myopic vision. Accepting change requires that we become more flexible and open our view to include new ideas in our lives.
As we learn to set new boundaries in our daily lives, we practice self care and use our tools to strengthen our resolve against change back messages. We increase our self esteem as we continue to live according to our inner values. In this way we give ourselves the gift of humility.
When we are dealing with our partner we may need to set boundaries in certain areas of our lives as a part of self care. We do so in a loving way, letting our partner know that we value them and our relationship. Many times when we set a new boundary we will get change back messages telling us that our partner is not readily accepting this new development. There may be refusal to go along as well as much complaining.
If we have been practicing self care and using our tools we are prepared for this eventuality and may expect that it will happen. We lovingly keep our word and allow our partner time to adjust to the new boundary. During this time it is imperative that we ignore the negative attention that change back messages engender and respond with support to the positive actions our partner takes in beginning to show acceptance. We must remember that change is difficult for us as well and give our partner the time needed to absorb what has happened.
As time passes and the relationship once again begins to settle within the new boundaries, we show our appreciation for the changes our partner has made. We give them the approval they deserve to feel valued for their contribution to the relationship in accepting this new situation. It is vital to the health of our relationship that we acknowledge the difficulty that we all experience in dealing with change, reinforcing the positive behaviors of our partner and ignoring the negative whenever possible.
We all experience change as a difficult and wrenching time we would rather not have to encounter. Life hold few guarantees, but one of them is that change will occur. Our ability to accept change and acknowledge how difficult that acceptance is for others, gives us humility. It reminds us that we are all human, capable of inflexibility and myopic vision. Accepting change requires that we become more flexible and open our view to include new ideas in our lives.
As we learn to set new boundaries in our daily lives, we practice self care and use our tools to strengthen our resolve against change back messages. We increase our self esteem as we continue to live according to our inner values. In this way we give ourselves the gift of humility.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Strong Emotions? Yuck!!
What are emotions? Why do they seem so overwhelming at times? How to we cope with strong emotions?
Emotional literacy is a concept that answers a multitude of questions for those of us in recovery. We may have journeyed through our childhood with dysfunctional family systems. Those systems taught us concepts that inhibited our growth: Don't think, don't talk, don't feel.
Thinking is a threatening activity if we are being taught to accept whatever is happening at face value. Thinking might rock the family boat. It might allow new ideas to emerge which could threaten the tight control that dysfunction has over the family system. That might be terrifying for the members of our dysfunctional family of origin. They have learned to accept the elephant in the living room. They walk around it quite comfortably. No one notices it any longer or allows themselves to think about it.
Talking about what is happening in our dysfunctional family of origin may be incredibly threatening. If thinking was scary, than talking may be terrifying. Not only are we breaking the rules by thinking about the unspeakable, but now we are talking about it too? This is intolerable to family members. It creates immense discomfort. We are asking them to acknowledge that there is a problem or issue that might need to be solved. Since they may be unwilling to see any problem, there is nothing to discuss.
Having feelings about issues is verboten. Thinking was not permitted, talking was terrifying and having feelings about any of these unspeakable problems is impossible. It may be so far out of the path of possibility that the person having feelings may be shunned until they take the path of least resistance, and obey the rules of their family of origin. They must correct their horrendous mistake of actually having feelings.
The rules are clear: It is not permitted to think about, discuss or have feelings regarding the elephant in the living room. If these rules are not obeyed at all times, corrections must be undertaken to re-indoctrinate the offending family member immediately. Further, any family member who refuses to follow the rules after re-indoctrination will be shunned until they comply.
Of course the preceding paragraph is a dramatization, but it certainly sounds like our families of origin, doesn't it? Translated into common English the rules say, don't rock the family boat or we will be angry and give change back messages until you stop. If you don't stop, we will exclude you from family activities because you make us too uncomfortable to have you around.
That is a frightening message for a child to absorb. Therefore children, who literally cannot survive without their family of origin, follow the rules. They learn not to rock the dysfunctional family boat. They learn to do whatever they must to deceive themselves, so as to be able to function within their family of origin.
These early lessons may cause children from dysfunctional families of origin to become emotionally illiterate adults. We can be partners is relationships who cannot find the words to describe how we feel when we are having a strong emotional response. We don't have the vocabulary to describe what we are experiencing. We only know how to shut down and steam.
The thinking part of the brain is where language allows the processing of raw emotion into understandable feelings. Those of us who came from dysfunctional families of origin where the rules were strictly enforced by controlling family members, may have never developed the ability to marry words to emotion. We have not had the opportunity to learn this very important skill. We need to be able to join words to emotion to be able to intellectually grasp what is happening within us and feel the ability to regulate it. When strong emotions occur without the ability to verbalize, we are thrown back to our infancy. We are a being without language available to express what is happening to us. This creates additional feelings of shame and frustration as we attempt to grapple with what is effectively, the unknown.
Through recovery and using our tools we continue to practice self care. As we tackle this very difficult challenge of teaching ourselves the lost lessons of our childhoods, we practice patience with ourselves and forgiveness when we misstep. We will learn what we need to in time and with help. The path is before us. We take one step at a time and lean on our higher power knowing that the lessons before us will lead us where we need to go. We are not alone.
Emotional literacy is a concept that answers a multitude of questions for those of us in recovery. We may have journeyed through our childhood with dysfunctional family systems. Those systems taught us concepts that inhibited our growth: Don't think, don't talk, don't feel.
Thinking is a threatening activity if we are being taught to accept whatever is happening at face value. Thinking might rock the family boat. It might allow new ideas to emerge which could threaten the tight control that dysfunction has over the family system. That might be terrifying for the members of our dysfunctional family of origin. They have learned to accept the elephant in the living room. They walk around it quite comfortably. No one notices it any longer or allows themselves to think about it.
Talking about what is happening in our dysfunctional family of origin may be incredibly threatening. If thinking was scary, than talking may be terrifying. Not only are we breaking the rules by thinking about the unspeakable, but now we are talking about it too? This is intolerable to family members. It creates immense discomfort. We are asking them to acknowledge that there is a problem or issue that might need to be solved. Since they may be unwilling to see any problem, there is nothing to discuss.
Having feelings about issues is verboten. Thinking was not permitted, talking was terrifying and having feelings about any of these unspeakable problems is impossible. It may be so far out of the path of possibility that the person having feelings may be shunned until they take the path of least resistance, and obey the rules of their family of origin. They must correct their horrendous mistake of actually having feelings.
The rules are clear: It is not permitted to think about, discuss or have feelings regarding the elephant in the living room. If these rules are not obeyed at all times, corrections must be undertaken to re-indoctrinate the offending family member immediately. Further, any family member who refuses to follow the rules after re-indoctrination will be shunned until they comply.
Of course the preceding paragraph is a dramatization, but it certainly sounds like our families of origin, doesn't it? Translated into common English the rules say, don't rock the family boat or we will be angry and give change back messages until you stop. If you don't stop, we will exclude you from family activities because you make us too uncomfortable to have you around.
That is a frightening message for a child to absorb. Therefore children, who literally cannot survive without their family of origin, follow the rules. They learn not to rock the dysfunctional family boat. They learn to do whatever they must to deceive themselves, so as to be able to function within their family of origin.
These early lessons may cause children from dysfunctional families of origin to become emotionally illiterate adults. We can be partners is relationships who cannot find the words to describe how we feel when we are having a strong emotional response. We don't have the vocabulary to describe what we are experiencing. We only know how to shut down and steam.
The thinking part of the brain is where language allows the processing of raw emotion into understandable feelings. Those of us who came from dysfunctional families of origin where the rules were strictly enforced by controlling family members, may have never developed the ability to marry words to emotion. We have not had the opportunity to learn this very important skill. We need to be able to join words to emotion to be able to intellectually grasp what is happening within us and feel the ability to regulate it. When strong emotions occur without the ability to verbalize, we are thrown back to our infancy. We are a being without language available to express what is happening to us. This creates additional feelings of shame and frustration as we attempt to grapple with what is effectively, the unknown.
Through recovery and using our tools we continue to practice self care. As we tackle this very difficult challenge of teaching ourselves the lost lessons of our childhoods, we practice patience with ourselves and forgiveness when we misstep. We will learn what we need to in time and with help. The path is before us. We take one step at a time and lean on our higher power knowing that the lessons before us will lead us where we need to go. We are not alone.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I Disliked You The Way You Were, Don't Change!!
What happens in our relationship when we begin our recovery journey? How does our partner respond? These questions often arise when we begin our journey into recovery.
As we adopt a plan to overcome the wounds of the past, we begin to use our newly acquired tools for self care. We may find that we are experiencing new difficulties in our relationship. At first this may seem odd, but when we examine how our new habits effect our daily lives, we can begin to understand the impact on our partner.
We may have had issues that surfaced in much the same ways throughout our relationship. This has become a predictable behavior pattern. When we make changes to our behavior through using our tools, we initially become less predictable. Although this is positive change for both us and our partner in the long view, in the short term the change creates feelings of discomfort. Most of us resist change. We may be unhappy with certain behavior patterns in ourselves or our partner, but we are comfortable within those patterns.
One of the common patterns that surfaces in relationships is caretaking. This occurs when we do for others what they can and should be doing for themselves. We may believe that we are helping, but in actuality we are using help as a mechanism of control. Instead of letting the situation develop naturally, we are attempting to create the outcome that we desire. This may seem harmless enough, however caretaking sets the stage for our partner to feel incompetent, as our behavior insinuates that they cannot take care of themselves.
Initially as we begin using our tools to practice self care, we may be caretaking less and allowing others to do for themselves. Although caretaking is not healthy for either us or our partner, our partner is accustomed to us being in that role and may resist change. These change back messages are temporary and need to be met with loving detachment. We explain that change may be uncomfortable, but have confidence that we and our partner will make the necessary adjustments in time.
Change back messages can be quite intense as our partner becomes increasingly uncomfortable with our new behaviors. As we continue to practice loving detachment and reassurance, we will be able to bridge the gap. It is vital at this juncture that we are gentle with our partner. As we set the example of healthy behavior, we anticipate that our partner may eventually become interested in the recovery process.
As we display the peace and calm that comes through the use of our tools and our increased self esteem, we serve as a living example to our partner and others of the benefits of recovery. In this way we give ourselves and our world the gifts that recovery brings, peace.
As we adopt a plan to overcome the wounds of the past, we begin to use our newly acquired tools for self care. We may find that we are experiencing new difficulties in our relationship. At first this may seem odd, but when we examine how our new habits effect our daily lives, we can begin to understand the impact on our partner.
We may have had issues that surfaced in much the same ways throughout our relationship. This has become a predictable behavior pattern. When we make changes to our behavior through using our tools, we initially become less predictable. Although this is positive change for both us and our partner in the long view, in the short term the change creates feelings of discomfort. Most of us resist change. We may be unhappy with certain behavior patterns in ourselves or our partner, but we are comfortable within those patterns.
One of the common patterns that surfaces in relationships is caretaking. This occurs when we do for others what they can and should be doing for themselves. We may believe that we are helping, but in actuality we are using help as a mechanism of control. Instead of letting the situation develop naturally, we are attempting to create the outcome that we desire. This may seem harmless enough, however caretaking sets the stage for our partner to feel incompetent, as our behavior insinuates that they cannot take care of themselves.
Initially as we begin using our tools to practice self care, we may be caretaking less and allowing others to do for themselves. Although caretaking is not healthy for either us or our partner, our partner is accustomed to us being in that role and may resist change. These change back messages are temporary and need to be met with loving detachment. We explain that change may be uncomfortable, but have confidence that we and our partner will make the necessary adjustments in time.
Change back messages can be quite intense as our partner becomes increasingly uncomfortable with our new behaviors. As we continue to practice loving detachment and reassurance, we will be able to bridge the gap. It is vital at this juncture that we are gentle with our partner. As we set the example of healthy behavior, we anticipate that our partner may eventually become interested in the recovery process.
As we display the peace and calm that comes through the use of our tools and our increased self esteem, we serve as a living example to our partner and others of the benefits of recovery. In this way we give ourselves and our world the gifts that recovery brings, peace.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Changing the Dance
Listened to the news this week and noticed a pattern that parallels life. Every station raved on and on about the AIG bonus payments and the related scandal. News casts on each channel continued the discourse throughout the week. Finally, on Thursday President Obama spoke on the Late Show and made the most intelligent comment about the AIG drama yet. He mentioned the feelings of outrage that we all share of this company getting funds from American taxpayers and using it to pay bonuses to those same executives who caused the economic collapse in the first place. But the real statement came right afterward. What are we going to do to make certain that no other company can hold us hostage with their risky behavior ever again... put regulations in place to prevent this type of risk taking with other peoples money.
How many times in our lives have we lived through incredible drama? We get through to the other side and are relieved it's over. In our haste to move on, we forget to put in place boundaries or consequences to prevent a recurrence. We may not even communicate fully to resolve the problem and insure that we and our partners understand one another. We end up in that same drama over and over again. It is a dance with steps we and our partners have memorized over time. We have a choice. We do not have to keep dancing. We can change the steps. The old saying, it takes two to tango, is true in relationships as well. When one partner to the dance changes their steps, the other party is left to choose. They can dance alone, a very awkward situation... they can complain, change back messages... or over time they can change their steps as well.
Preventing recurrences are one of the purpose of self examination and communication. We cannot control what others may say or do, but we can certainly control how we respond. We choose to moderate our behavior regardless of how others may be acting. We change our steps and by default the dance changes. It may take time and patience, but if we take the long view, we can work toward making positive changes in our relationships. We use our tools and practice self care. In doing this we give ourselves the gift of hope.
How many times in our lives have we lived through incredible drama? We get through to the other side and are relieved it's over. In our haste to move on, we forget to put in place boundaries or consequences to prevent a recurrence. We may not even communicate fully to resolve the problem and insure that we and our partners understand one another. We end up in that same drama over and over again. It is a dance with steps we and our partners have memorized over time. We have a choice. We do not have to keep dancing. We can change the steps. The old saying, it takes two to tango, is true in relationships as well. When one partner to the dance changes their steps, the other party is left to choose. They can dance alone, a very awkward situation... they can complain, change back messages... or over time they can change their steps as well.
Preventing recurrences are one of the purpose of self examination and communication. We cannot control what others may say or do, but we can certainly control how we respond. We choose to moderate our behavior regardless of how others may be acting. We change our steps and by default the dance changes. It may take time and patience, but if we take the long view, we can work toward making positive changes in our relationships. We use our tools and practice self care. In doing this we give ourselves the gift of hope.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Drama Addiction
When things are going well, we "wait for the other shoe to drop". We don't have time to sit back and relax... there's so much chaos going on right now that we have to manage, or there will be a disaster. Every time the phone rings someone at the other end of the line is having a major problem and we need to attend to it now. Sound familiar?
This is the sound of drama addiction. We have no time to live our own lives because we are so busy attending to everyone else. Why do we adopt this mode of constantly making work for ourselves? What would we be doing if we disconnected from other peoples issues and problems and instead focused on our own lives? Some of us have been living through others for so long that we have lost our own lives along the way. We have neglected our self for such a long time that we no longer know who we are. Without the drama, who would we be? Wouldn't it be fun to find out?
We have a choice. We can elect to let others solve their own problems and attend to the business of living our own lives. Although we will get plenty of change back messages, if we keep minding our own business and letting others do the same, eventually they will begin to pick up the slack. This will give us the freedom to explore what self care feels like on a daily basis. We can begin to fill our own lives with the fun hobbies and activities that we enjoy. We can begin to live our lives again, to feel joy and wonder at the world and to engage the present.
This is the sound of drama addiction. We have no time to live our own lives because we are so busy attending to everyone else. Why do we adopt this mode of constantly making work for ourselves? What would we be doing if we disconnected from other peoples issues and problems and instead focused on our own lives? Some of us have been living through others for so long that we have lost our own lives along the way. We have neglected our self for such a long time that we no longer know who we are. Without the drama, who would we be? Wouldn't it be fun to find out?
We have a choice. We can elect to let others solve their own problems and attend to the business of living our own lives. Although we will get plenty of change back messages, if we keep minding our own business and letting others do the same, eventually they will begin to pick up the slack. This will give us the freedom to explore what self care feels like on a daily basis. We can begin to fill our own lives with the fun hobbies and activities that we enjoy. We can begin to live our lives again, to feel joy and wonder at the world and to engage the present.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Detachment
Detachment... what exactly does a word like that mean? When we feel like our heads are swimming from all the drama and confusion around us... when all the things we have done to try to "fix" the problem have failed... when we are so obsessed with the problem that we can no longer see any solutions... that is when we become willing to look at our situation in a new way and we try detachment.
Detachment does not mean abandoning, running from, leaving, or ignoring the problem. It does mean that we separate ourselves from the issues that are not ours to solve and focus instead on the ones we can work through... our own. We stop trying to control outcomes and force results and instead accept that we must remove ourselves from the situation and let the consequences fall where they may. If we have, in some way, added to the problem, we accept responsibility for our part and make our amends. Otherwise, we step back and let the person who has caused the problem suffer the proverbial consequences of their actions. We do this because we are too exhausted to keep carrying all the responsibility for the problems of both ourselves and others. Once we stop being responsible for others problems and step back, miraculously they will begin to take responsibility for their own lives and free us to do the same.
In this way we experience a paradigm shift that allows us to finally see our part in the drama. We will get plenty of "change back messages" from those who suddenly have to be responsible for their own lives. As we persist in self care and minding our own business we will find that others will eventually do the same. It may not be easy, it may feel awkward at first, but we will get used to it. We will learn to take care of ourselves and practice healthy self care principles throughout our daily lives.
Detachment does not mean abandoning, running from, leaving, or ignoring the problem. It does mean that we separate ourselves from the issues that are not ours to solve and focus instead on the ones we can work through... our own. We stop trying to control outcomes and force results and instead accept that we must remove ourselves from the situation and let the consequences fall where they may. If we have, in some way, added to the problem, we accept responsibility for our part and make our amends. Otherwise, we step back and let the person who has caused the problem suffer the proverbial consequences of their actions. We do this because we are too exhausted to keep carrying all the responsibility for the problems of both ourselves and others. Once we stop being responsible for others problems and step back, miraculously they will begin to take responsibility for their own lives and free us to do the same.
In this way we experience a paradigm shift that allows us to finally see our part in the drama. We will get plenty of "change back messages" from those who suddenly have to be responsible for their own lives. As we persist in self care and minding our own business we will find that others will eventually do the same. It may not be easy, it may feel awkward at first, but we will get used to it. We will learn to take care of ourselves and practice healthy self care principles throughout our daily lives.
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