HELP - My Expectations Are Killing Me!!

How do we manage our expectations in a healthy way? Can our expectations cause us problems in our relationship?

Expectations can be a double edged sword. At times we gain power and insight from the expectations we have of ourselves. But what about the expectations we have of our partner? How do they affect our relationship?

If we expect our partner to fulfill our expectations we may be placing undue pressure on both our partner and our relationship. We hold the responsibility to fulfill our own expectations. When we give that power away, we lose the ability to practice self care. We give control of ourselves and our happiness over to another. When we do that we may be setting ourselves up for disappointment.

As much as our partner may wish to please us and may make every effort to act in our best interest, there will be times when their desires and ours will not overlap. If we have placed our expectations in their hands we will surely be disappointed and possibly hurt. If we have, instead, taken responsibility for our own expectations we will be assured that we remain in balance regardless of what our partner is or is not doing at the moment.

In a healthy relationships partners make every effort to be compassionate, respectful and considerate of one another. We do not feel the need to meet each others expectations as we know that we are responsible for meeting our own. In this way we assure that we remain balanced, emotionally available and connected in our lives and in our relationships.

Does My Partner Need An Intervention?

Sometimes in our lives our partner becomes hostage to some sort of addiction. We may be unable to help our partner alone. We may need the assistance of others in doing what is called an intervention. An intervention is done when we believe that our partner's addiction has grown to the point of interfering with their ability to live their life... when their addiction is creating serious problems for them and those they love. Here is an excellent piece by Debra Jay explaining in detail the process and promise of intervention.

How to Help a Loved One Who Doesn't Want Help by Debra Jay

The friends and relatives of addicts often feel forced to make a painful choice -- endure the addict’s destructive behavior or cut the addict out of their lives. There is a third option -- stage an intervention.

An intervention is a group effort by family and friends to convince an addict to seek treatment. Despite the widespread belief that addicts never change their ways until they hit bottom and are desperate for help, 80% to 85% of addicts agree to accept treatment when confronted with an intervention.

Interventions can be effective with drug addicts... alcoholics... gambling addicts... people with eating disorders... even seniors who refuse to acknowledge that it is no longer safe for them to live alone or drive a car.

How to make an intervention work... select the group... The power of interventions lies in the power of groups. Many addicts are masters of manipulating the individuals in their lives, but they find it more difficult to argue when those individuals join together. Contact the people the addict most loves, respects, needs, likes and admires. This typically means relatives and friends but also could include the addict’s coworkers, boss, neighbors, clergy and/or doctors. Explain that you are exploring the possibility of staging an intervention, and ask if they will attend a meeting to discuss this. At this point, do not ask anyone to commit to taking part in the intervention. The meeting is for them to learn more about the process.

Try to build a group of between three and eight people. Fewer, and you won’t have the power of a group on your side... more, and the intervention process could become too drawn out. Helpful: When staging an intervention for a parent or grandparent, include people from the addict’s generation or older. This increases the odds that the addict will respect the group’s opinion. Exclude anyone whom the addict strongly dislikes... anyone who is currently an addict him/herself... and anyone whom you suspect will be unable to keep the intervention plan secret from the addict.

When the group meets, explain why you think the addict’s behavior needs to be addressed and invite everyone present to share how the addict’s behavior has harmed him/her. Explain that an intervention is the most effective way to convince an addict to agree to treatment. Mention that the addict must not know about the intervention in advance, or he might not attend. Also... Have the group select a chairperson. This individual must be respected by the addict and be capable of remaining cool and responding intelligently if the addict argues.

Alternative: Hire a professional interventionist to serve as chairperson and plan and conduct the intervention. An addiction treatment center or support organization can help you find one. Expect to pay $2,500 to $5,000. If you would like assistance but cannot afford to hire a professional, you might be able to enlist the help of a member of the clergy or a member of your local Alcoholics Anonymous (or Narcotics Anonymous).

Ask every member of your intervention group to write a letter to the addict prior to the intervention. These letters will be read during the intervention, not mailed. They should follow this structure... Start with a heartfelt message of affection. Explain why you truly love, respect and/or admire the addict. Discuss some of his best qualities. This should be the longest part of the letter. Explain how the addiction is causing problems for you. Cite one to three specific, firsthand experiences from the past 12 months. Example: "You borrowed $3,000 from me in March, lost it gambling and never repaid me." Close the letter by reiterating your care and concern for the addict. Write in the first-person singular. Do not try to speak for anyone but yourself. Format it as you would an actual letter. Example: Open with "Dear Bob," and conclude with "Your loving brother, Tom." Each letter should be one-half to two double-spaced pages in length.

Have each group member prepare a separate written "bottom line" statement as well, to be read only if the addict initially refuses treatment. These bottom line statements lay out the consequences of not accepting help. Example: A wife might tell her husband that he cannot live in their house any longer if he refuses treatment... a parent or friend might say that there will be no more loans... an adult child might say that there will be no more visits by the grandkids.

Explain to the group the inpatient residential treatment options available to the addict. Before the group meets, research the options. A list of treatment centers can be found on our Web site http://link.bls.bottomlinesecrets.com/r/94J3NM/9Z45V/88XP3/2AWAL/RN9FG/XL/h/. Determine what the addict’s health insurance will cover... or ask if members of your intervention group will help pay the costs. Choose a treatment facility, and make arrangements for the addict’s arrival.

Hold an intervention rehearsal prior to the actual intervention. Ask the group to read their letters aloud, and strive together to edit out any anger -- voicing anger will only inspire anger from the addict. Decide the order in which the letters will be presented. The first and last presenters should be the two group members most loved and respected by the addict, to decrease the odds that the addict will walk out of the intervention at these crucial moments.
Schedule the intervention for a time when the addict is likely to be sober -- morning often is best. Hold it at the home of someone the addict respects.

The intervention: Let the addict believe that he is visiting this home for a different purpose, such as for a meal or to pick up money promised him. It will be obvious that this is not so once the addict steps through the door. The group all should be there before the addict arrives. To keep the addict from leaving, a close friend or family member should take the addict by the arm and guide him to a seat on a couch between two people he loves, with the rest of the group facing them. The chairperson should explain that the group has gathered because of their love and concern for the addict, and ask group members to read their letters.

After the letters are read, the chairperson should ask the addict if he is willing to accept the help that the group is offering. The addict is likely to offer objections (see below). If the addict refuses help, each group member should read his bottom line statement. If the addict tries to leave, the chairman should follow and try to convince the addict to return.

If help is accepted, bring the addict immediately to a treatment facility. Have a bag packed and someone ready to provide transportation. If the addict needs to make personal arrangements, allow this only from a cell phone in the car on the way to treatment.

Many addicts initially voice objections at an intervention. The intervention chairman must be ready with calm responses. Common addict arguments... "I don’t have a problem" or "I have my problem under control." To respond say, "People with this addiction usually are the last to realize that they have a problem. It’s time to get a professional’s assessment. If you don’t have a problem, a treatment center will let you know." Another argument may be toward a person in the group "You drink or gamble, etc., too." The response from is from the chairman (not the group member whom the addict has accused of sharing the problem) who should say, "Today we’re talking about you." If the addict persists, add, "The issue isn’t who drinks -- it’s what happens when we drink. For you, drinking alcohol causes problems." Another statement might be "I have one or two beers a day." This needs a response, but don’t get drawn into a debate about exactly how much the addict drinks (or uses drugs... or gambles). Instead say, "However much you drink, your behavior tells us it is too much." Another argument might be "I don’t need treatment. I can stop on my own." This too requires a response: Say, "The odds of success are better with help." If the addict refuses to budge on this issue, at least obtain a promise that the addict will stop drinking/taking drugs completely and seek treatment if he touches alcohol/drugs again, even once. Another statement might be "I can’t go to rehab, I have to go to work... take care of my dog... pay my bills (or some other responsibility)." This requires a response: Anticipate excuses, and before the intervention, recruit members of the group to handle the addict’s chores while he/she is away... pay the cost of treatment or determine whether it is covered by the addict’s health insurance... and/or explore the addict’s employer’s medical leave policy.

We cannot control the behavior of others. At the same time we cannot ignore it when someone we love is destroying themselves and their life as a result of addiction. Intervention is a tool available to us to assist us in getting our lives and our partners life back on track if the need arises. Of course, as our partner recovers from their addiction we continue to practice self care and letting go. In this way we continue on our path of recovery.

Having Trust Issues?

Trust issues are common after the ending of a long term relationship. Our self esteem has been battered and our ego has been badly bruised. How do we overcome our lack of trust and enjoy intimacy once again?

When we begin trying to connect with a new person we wait for the other shoe to drop, because in the past it did. Dealing with trust issues takes guts. We have to look at ourselves and figure out what part of the failure of our relationship was our responsibility... we all have some, even if it's just 1%.

Once we face ourselves naked, so to speak, we will know who we are when no one is looking. At that point we will understand that the trust issues aren't really about anyone but ourselves. We no longer trust ourselves to discern when someone is deceiving us. We need to begin to trust ourselves again, slowly, to learn to trust our gut once again.

We will learn that the body never lies. We will get that feeling in the pit of our stomach when someone is bs'ing us and we will learn to pay attention to it rather than thinking we are just reacting inappropriately. We will learn discernment, who to trust and when and where that trust is appropriately given. We will learn not to reveal too much about ourselves too soon in a new relationship before we have gotten to know our new partner well enough. We don't want to load the gun that may be pointed at our preverbial head somewhere down the road. We will learn that we do have the capacity to tell when someone is behaving in ways that are not in our best interest. That we can tell when we are being deceived. That we are capable of protecting ourselves from being hurt, and still be open enough to enjoy intimacy with a responsible accountable partner.

It's a process that takes some time, but we will get there. We will use our tools, practice self care in our daily lives and embrace the changes that will come with recovery.

Betrayed!!

How do we cope when we are betrayed? What do we do to take care of ourselves? How can we heal our hurts?

When our partner betrays us, whether it be via an adulterous relationship or through another breach, we are injured at our core. This is someone we have allowed into our lives in a very deep and meaningful way. We have become intimate with our partner in a variety of areas which we do not share with any other persons. As a result we feel crushed, sometimes lost. We experience our loss in the most personal of ways. This type of betrayal carries with it the added pain of personal rejection. Our partner is someone who knows us inside and out and has rejected us for our inner selves in a very painful and personal way.

At first we are shocked, infuriated and hurt. We may react with anger and fury. As time passes and the reality of our situation sinks in we may become hostile and cold toward our partner. If we have been betrayed we may wish to end the relationship. Or, we may wish to continue the relationship, but may not know how to get past the hurt and resentment. We have lost the trust shared in our relationship.

It is imperative that we not make life altering decisions during this initial time. We are still very raw and may be unable to rationally approach the situation. We may be too angry to think long term and may be incapable of thinking clearly.

Our first path should be to find ourselves a counselor with whom we feel comfortable where we can sort out our feelings and decide how to move forward. This may take some time. We must be patient. As we work through our feelings of hostility and pain we may discover that we have some portion of responsibility for the failure in our relationship. We have many difficult decisions ahead and we should not make them alone.

With the help of our counselor we begin to rebuild our shattered self esteem. Slowly, one step at a time we trudge back from the brink toward a healthier place. At first we have many days when we feel sad or angry. As time passes and we experience healing we have a few better days. Eventually we have many days when we feel at peace with ourselves and our situation. This healing process happens slowly, three steps forward and two steps back.

We practice self care, allowing ourselves to feel all our feelings fully, process what has happened to us and move forward. When we feel overwhelmed we take steps to soothe ourselves back into balance. We may call a friend, take a walk, enjoy a hot bath, read a book, watch a favorite movie or just take a nap. As we learn to care for ourselves we increase our self esteem giving ourselves the gift of a healthier, more joy filled future.

An Inside Job

When we begin our journey into recovery our lives may have become very small as a result of the dysfunction within which we live. In order to please others we may have given up much of our interests, hobbies, friends or acquaintances. Some of us may have given up careers to raise a family or to be a homemaker. With all we have relinquished we may come to the table empty, feeling as though we are a vessel from which all has been poured.

Sooner or later each of us comes to a point in our lives when we finally discover that happiness is an inside job. We realize that no one can make us happy except ourselves. If we have spent many years attending to the needs and happiness of others, we may suddenly discover we feel vacuous. Developing ourself is our responsibility. Finding hobbies we enjoy and friends to fill our life are good beginnings. We would err to expect our partner or family to be our all. We need friends and personal growth to complete us as individuals. Our partner can certainly be our best friend, but not our only friend.

We think of ourselves like a gear with teeth sticking out in all directions. Each tooth represents one aspect of our life. One tooth may be our partner, one our children, one our extended family, one our friendships, one our career, one tooth for each of our hobbies, one for our love of the theatre, and so on. In this way the gear is representative of a fulfilling life. It is our mission in life to fill each tooth with something of meaning to us, thereby adding value to our lives. If we are diligent we will have a life filled with joy and meaning as accomplished by our own hand. What more could we ask for?

Being the Right Person

The key to succeeding in any relationship is not finding the right person, it's being the right person.

That is a powerful statement. Many of us go through life looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. We scour the night time scene, go out with a myriad of folks, suffer through endless blind dates and end up no further along than when we began. We have missed the most important point of all.

We attract not what we want, but who we are. As we think carefully about that statement we wonder... Would I want to date myself? Would I make a good partner? Am I a person I would want to be with in a relationship?

When we finally do find a partner and enter into a relationship, we may find it challenging over time to maintain the happiness we first discovered together. When that happens it is easy to point fingers at our partner and blame them for the challenges we face. When we are busy looking at another and blaming them for the problems we share, we have no energy left to look at ourselves and see our part in the conflict.

We must recall that no one is blameless when conflict arise in a relationship. Each of us has our part and must take responsibility for what we have or have not done to make the relationship work.

One of the primary areas we work at is personal growth. We have a lifetime dedicated to this task. We practice the art of self care and recovery daily. We continue to use our tools to see ourselves in the clearest light while learning to exercise discernment regarding our behavior and those with whom we associate. As we learn to trust ourselves and our ability to assess situations accurately, our self esteem increases. In this way we give ourselves the gift of sound judgement.

Health Care Reform Questions

Health care reform. That's the topic all the blogs are buzzing about as Congress begins to review the legislation that may or may not reform health care. There are many issues to be considered and many organizations involved in lobbying Congress to have their desires met. It is important that we, as those who will be helped or hurt by the bill that ultimately leaves Congress, contact our Congressional Representative and Senators with our views. Over 70% of Americans want some type of health care reform, but what that entails varies widely. http://www.whitehouse.gov/issues/health_care/ Here are some of the issues to consider:

Tort reform: This entails making changes to the process by which doctors may be held to account for their mistakes in a court of law. Currently there are no limits on any medical malpractice awards. This drives up the cost of malpractice insurance and increases the cost of medical care. Since America is a litigious society, tort reform may be a necessary part of changing the way we view medical errors. Additionally, the American Medical Association currently has no nationwide format for ensuring that incompetent doctors remain unlicensed. This too may need to be changed. What's your view?

Prescription Drug Reform: The cost of prescription drugs has skyrocketed over the years. Many drugs are available for substantially lower costs outside America. In the UK, for example, almost all Rx's cost under 11 pounds (about $18). This is in stark contract to some Rx's here which can cost upwards of $600 without insurance when no generic is available. The high cost of Rx's in the first years during it's patent is meant to reimburse the company for research and development costs. Should we import lower cost Rx's into America from other countries (such as Canada) to decrease the cost of health care?

Health insurance for profit: The ability of insurance companies to make a profit has always been assumed to be a given in the health industry. This may need to change as the cost of health care rises dramatically over the coming years. http://assets.aarp.org/rgcenter/health/m7_nothing.pdf How do you feel about insurance companies becoming not-for-profit to decrease the cost of health care?

Public Option vs Private Insurance only: This area of health care reform has been getting the most media attention and has the widest views. On the one hand, some in Congress believe that there should be a public health care option to compete with private insurance companies. This system would be set up on a medicare style basis, would emulate the current plan available to Congress and with existing plans already in place, would provide coverage to almost 97% of Americans. Others in Congress believe that a public option would degrade the overall quality of care available to all Americans over time and would cause employers to eventually stop offering health care as a benefit to employees. What's your view?

How to Pay for Health Care: Any plan requires payment. Even doing nothing will cost trillions of dollars over the coming years. It is agreed by all that some kind of reform is needed. America pays over 50% more for health care than the next closest nation. Considering the findings of the World Health Organization http://www.who.int/whr/2000/media_centre/press_release/en/index.html regarding the standing of America, it appears we have a great deal of decisions to make regarding the cost of health care vs the quality we receive. How should we pay for health care?

Regardless of the opinion we each hold, it is our responsibility as citizens to become educated about health care reform: what it means for each of us, how it will effect us, how much it will cost us now and in the future and what will happen if we do not address the issue. After becoming educated it is our further responsibility to contact our Congressional Representatives and Senators http://www.usa.gov/Contact/Elected.shtml to share our opinions so that our elected leaders have the information necessary to represent our views when they vote on this most important legislation.

New Fox Reality Show - The Blame Game

This year Fox will present a new reality show called the Blame Game. In the past we have had the Newlywed Game and Family Feud. The benefit of the Blame Game is that everyone already knows how to play, since we have all played the home version.

That sounds funny, right? But funny it isn't. The truth is we all have played the blame game over the course of our relationships. We might have felt better in that moment, wagging our pointer finger at our partner and revelling in our righteous indignation, but we accomplished only one thing. We fueled the fires of resentment and bitterness. Since our goal is to improve our relationship with our partner, the reality is that the blame game has no place in our lives. It is a defense mechanism left over from our childhoods.

Children often play the blame game, and play it well. Siblings learn quickly how to escape punishment from caretakers by blaming their antics on one another. Teens blame their rebellion on the difference in privileges between their home and the home of their friends. By the time we reach adulthood it is time to leave the blame game behind.

Partners may blame one another for difficulties in the relationship forgetting that the saying, "It takes two to tango" often applies. In a misunderstanding or disagreement, both parties generally share responsibility whether equally or not. Focusing on coming to an agreement is a more productive path rather than bickering about who was more at fault. In the end, personal responsibility and acknowledgement occur only in an atmosphere of acceptance, flexibility and open communication.

It is important to recall, especially when we are in the midst of a disagreement, that we can disagree but do not have to become disagreeable. Playing the blame game is disagreeable, accomplishes nothing toward the goal of bettering our relationship and builds walls, not bridges.

We all are fallible. If we treat one another with respect we will reap the reward of being respected. We allow our partner the dignity of making mistakes without losing self esteem. This small gift gives our relationship solidity. We do not want to be denigrated when we stumble. We treat our partner the way we wish to be treated when we falter.

We practice tolerance, patience and gentleness in our daily lives. We try to leave everything a little bit better than we find it. As we use our tools and increase our own self esteem we will be better able to give our partner dignity and respect even in the face of disagreement. We practice self care curbing our tendency to react vs respond. In this way we give ourselves the gift of a dignified and respectful relationship.

Our Rights and Responsibilities as Citizens

Two American journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, have been sentenced to twelve years hard labor in North Korea. Although there is the possibility that they may be pardoned as a result of diplomatic efforts in the weeks and months ahead, we cannot help but think of the terror that must exist within their hearts during this very dark time. We as a nation pray for their safe return.

This situation brings home the important point that we, America, must never again engage in the kind of inhumane treatment of prisoners that has occurred over the past seven years during the Bush/Cheney administration. The North Koreans arrested, charged, tried and convicted these two young women in a space of just a few months. We certainly have the ability to do the same here in the US. Holding detainees without charges for extended periods of time cannot be permitted. We must continue to be a beacon of enlightenment to the world, not a picture of hypocrisy. If people are arrested they should be charged, tried and either convicted or freed within a reasonable time period. No nation has the right to hold foreign nationals in limbo for indefinite periods of time.

Our nation was built to be an example of human rights and tolerance. We must rise to the occasion whether we are living in peace or not. Intolerance gives way to abuses of the kind we have seen over the past seven years. We do not live in isolation and can no longer afford to pretend that we have all the answers.

We the people of the United States have the right to speak our piece. We have the right and the responsibility to speak out when we find the conduct of our government unacceptable. The way we treat those who break our laws is a reflection of who we are within. When our government shames our citizens we must act to correct the situation. No one is exempt. Those who have broken the law must be shunned. They are an embarrassment to us, the people of the United States of America.

I'm So Mad I Could Just...

What do we do when we feel resentment toward our partner? How do we get past the challenge and renew the loving connection we long to feel once again?

When feeling resentful, our inner voice tells us we want our partner to care about the way we are feeling. This seems a natural state of affairs. To that end we may try to explain why we are upset, give our partner a long list of current and past offenses, cry, become angry, manipulate, use the silent treatment and many other expressions of our displeasure. Our inner child stamps our feet and fusses trying whatever works to draw attention and gain understanding from our partner. The apparent flaw in this logic is that our reaction to our resentful feelings, create exactly what we are trying to overcome... feelings of resentment in our partner. We have treated our partner with the same insensitivity and coarseness that created our initial resentment.

We know how difficult it is to be empathetic toward our partner when we are feeling resentful. We may have been treated in ways that were hurtful and unpleasant. We may feel violated or used. We feel righteous in our indignation. We may be unaware and disinterested in our partners feelings while in this state. We have become insensitive and coarse toward our partner.

Conversely, our partner probably feels exactly the same way toward us now that we are angry and resentful. This is the core of the dilemma. Much as the itch/scratch theory, it is unimportant who began the conflict or resentments, if the goal is to return to loving communication and warmth. The way out is to regain our balance and center ourselves.

We take a time our for self care. We give ourselves some space and alone time. We use that time to reflect on all that has happened leading us to this place of resentment. If we have been using our tools and giving ourselves appropriate self care throughout our recovery, we will slowly be able to see our part in the conflict. Our ownership of the responsibility for our part in the discord enables us to let go of our resentments. We can then approach our partner in love and discuss our differences from our center using detachment.

We use "I" statements focusing ourselves on our part of the problem and making amends where necessary. We ask our partner if we have missed any area of responsibility prior to moving on with the discussion. We give our partner a chance to take personal responsibility themselves before we point out areas of discontent. If we have been diligent in our efforts to be forthcoming our partner may well respond in kind. We can give ourselves credit for having the maturity to respond vs react. Our self esteem flourishes when we treat ourselves, our partner and our relationship with gentleness and dignity. We recall that we create balanced karma when we give what we wish to receive.

In continuing to use our tools we develop the skills we need to overcome resentments in our relationship preventing bitterness from taking root. We practice self care in our daily lives increasing our self esteem each time we succeed in responding vs reacting to the challenges put before us. In this way we give ourselves the gift of honest loving communication.

Why Aren't I Happy When Everything Is Perfect?

"Happiness isn't out there, it's in here", she said pointing to her chest.

A profound statement. Being happy is not something we aspire to once we get our to do list completed. Happiness is not what we get when we find the one. We don't suddenly become happy when we are in the right relationship with the right partner living in the right house with the right kids and the right dog.

Happiness is an inside job. It's something we make our personal responsibility to work on every day. Some of us are more optimistic than others. We see the glass as half full. We see the silver lining in the clouds. We give people some slack. That doesn't mean that we don't have to make an effort to be happy. It just means that for us, maybe its a little easier. It may even mean that we are more willing to do what it takes to see the better side of life. We are more willing to be ahead of the weather rather than under the weather.

Much of the way we see life comes from our family of origin. We learn from our caretakers by watching how they deal with adversity. When our caretakers have the ability to rebound from setbacks and keep on keepin' on, we learn that lesson. We learn to use our struggle muscle.

We all have setbacks and disappointments in life. Our ability to bounce back and regain our balance is of prime importance in our ability to be happy. When we can take a trial in stride and either try again or learn from it, our self esteem increases. We see ourselves in a positive light, as triumphant. We all get knocked down on occasion. Our ability to get back up and keep on our path is key to our sense of value and our happiness.

When we are living our lives in sync with our personal values and goals we will feel our best. We may have setbacks and disappointments along the road, but if we are happy within ourselves we will be able to regain our balance and continue along our chosen path. We practice self care in our daily lives to increase our self esteem and improve our ability to bounce back from setbacks. As we use our tools and move along our chosen path, we have faith that we are not alone. We walk with may others who use the same tools. In this way our efforts yield us our ultimate gift, happiness.

Accepting Reality When We Don't Like It

A very wise woman once said, "The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it."

The same can be said of our relationships. When we are having difficulty in our relationships one of the hardest parts is accepting that we may need to change. It is always easier for us to point fingers at our partner rather than look at ourselves. When we practice self care, one of our most important tools is our use of introspection. When things aren't going as we might like and we have hit a rough spot we ask ourselves, "How did I contribute to this mess?"

We take the time to review the recent incidents in our relationship. Has a pattern emerged? Have we been hearing the same complaint from our partner lately? Is there any validity to what is being said? Can we see the situation from their point of view? In every conflict there is our side, our partners side, and the truth, which generally lies somewhere in the middle. Keeping this in mind may help us to be more open to seeing our partners position.

If we can see our part in the situation and take responsibility for our behavior, we may be able to begin to build bridges instead of walls. When we reach out in honesty to our partner and acknowledge how we have added to the difficulties, we open a line of communication that may lead to a better understanding between us both. This doesn't mean that we take the blame for our partners behavior or misdeeds, only that we recognize where we have misstepped and be willing to take personal responsibility for our part.

It takes maturity and self esteem to be able to admit that we erred and make amends. It may be difficult to put our ego aside and see ourselves as we are. However, if we are to grow we need to be willing to see ourselves as others see us, even if that view brings us pain.

Consistent use of our tools strengthens our self esteem and makes taking responsibility for our behavior, whether we approve or not, our choice. This alleviates us feeling shamed when we misstep and feel we must hide behind a mask of perfection. We are all human and all make mistakes. We resist the urge to succumb to the pretense of perfection by practicing self care and increasing our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of humility.

Shining the Light Through The Veil of Deception

And so it begins. The hearings in the House and Senate on torture will bring to light the information that has shamed all of us who are proud of our country. We will see the ugliness that came from absolute power that corrupted absolutely. Those who committed war crimes under the guise that, a threat was imminent and we had no other choice, will be trotted out, their sins finally seeing the light of day.

We must do this as a nation to give the clear message to all those who come after us that this type of behavior will not be tolerated by the people of America. We are a people of morals and values that we will not compromise, even when faced with extreme fear. There is no reason to stoop to such degradation and humiliation.

If we are to continue to be the light of the world and the example of democracy, we cannot behave in such dehumanizing ways. As the leaders of the free world we carry the heavy responsibility to act in such a way that sets the example of regard for all human life. We have reached the tipping point. The American people can no longer sit idly by and watch as our country is turned into a terrorist nation by the terrorized people who ran our former administration.

Torture is a war crime that carries with it not just the punishment of imprisonment, but the shame of betrayal. Those who have tortured others in the name of America must face the shame of their actions and be shunned by the respected citizens of the United States and the world.

In shining the light of intense scrutiny through the veil of deception we will uncover the truth. Let it come. It is the cleansing that we must endure to rid ourselves of the filth that these horrendous acts have bestowed upon us.

May God bless us in our search for truth.

Keeping Our Relationships Out of the Toilet When the Economy Tanks

What do we do when the economy is causing our partner to go through difficult times? How can we be supportive? How can we use these times to promote trust and intimacy in our relationship?

The economy is in a downward spiral causing increased pressure at most companies. The amount of incoming work has decreased as customers tighten their belts and brace for tough times ahead. This creates tension in employees as they worry if their jobs are on the line. Since many of us view ourselves largely through our success at work, this increased stress can impact our relationships both at the office and at home.

Our partner may have significant feelings of helplessness during times such as these. Being a family member and part of the team of providers in a home, creates responsibilities that are taken seriously by both partners. Particularly for men, for whom work may be a major part of their identity, feeling powerless to stave off an impending loss of income may be extremely distressing. Women's identities are also attached to their careers, however, a significant portion of their view of themselves may come from their home lives, where they care for their families.

In either situation, being supportive of a partner is distress is an extremely important part of relationships. We enter into a relationship with the hope that we have found a partner in life. Someone who will stand by us in times of joy and in challenging times. We hope that we can count on our partner to be understanding and compassionate when disaster strikes.

How do we accomplish this task? It is our responsibility in our relationship to view our partner as a whole person. Someone who, like us, has issues and problems. When we accept that each of us is human and may suffer during difficult times, we can be empathetic. Stress created during economic downturns is likely not the fault of any family member. We can offer a sympathetic ear, lighten the mood with humor, try to plan inexpensive fun activities and make the best of our time together.

If our partner's suffering begins to impact the relationship a discussion may be in order. We cannot allow walls to be built during times of stress when partners need each other's support the most. We must take the inititative and reach out to open lines of communication. Listening attentively while a partner airs their concerns, offering support and asking pertinent questions to encourage further exploration of feelings are all ways of increasing connection and decreasing tension and frustration. Some partners may need additional time with hobbies for relaxation and reflection.

If partners cannot bridge the tension a session with a relationship counselor may be of help. Often times partners are stuck in a myopic view and merely need a disinterested third party to show them a new way of viewing their situation. Taking action to protect the relationship is vital. Building bridges, not walls, is the goal in healthy relationships.

These difficult economic times will eventually pass. Once the markets have grown through the challenges and customers have regained their confidence in spending, tensions at work will ease. In the interim we use our tools, practice self care, support our partner and protect our relationships through open communication.

What is Caretaking Anyway? Isn't it Taking Care of Those We Love?

Why does caretaking cause problems in our relationships? What exactly is the difference between caretaking and taking care of our partner?

There are times in every relationship when we do activities or chores for another as part of our loving behavior. We may occasionally take out the garbage late at night after our partner has gone to sleep, although it is not our chore. We may stop at the hardware store and pick up that new window glass to save our partner the trip, if we are in the area and have extra time. These type of acts are typical behaviors of people in healthy relationships.

Then there are the other times. Times when we do for others what they can and should be doing for themselves. We are ready for bed. Our partner calls to us from the laundry room that there are no clean uniforms available for the next morning. While our partner goes off to sleep we get up and put in a wash of uniforms. We too have to get up for work in the morning. We feel angry and resentful that we have to compensate for their forgetfulness in not taking care of their laundry. We complain to our partner that they are inconsiderate and irresponsible in leaving the wash for the last minute. An argument ensues. We are caretaking.

The hallmark emotion that alerts us to the difference between caretaking and taking care is anger and resentment. When we are busy doing for others what they can and should be doing for themselves, we have an unspoken agenda. We may call it help, but it really is a form of control. Instead of letting outcomes unfold naturally, we are actively manipulating outcomes to serve our own needs. If our partner had not opted to get up and put in a wash, they might have worn a dirty pair to work the following day. Had we allowed our partner to take responsibility for their own uniforms, we would not have felt angry and resentful, and an argument may have been averted.

When we caretake we create an atmosphere where others feel treated as if they are incompetent. This underlying feeling of incompetence may accurately reflect some of our thoughts. Caretaking and controlling sets up a peculiar energy that others may feel. Our resentment may create tension and anxiety. Our partners irritation with our caretaking and ensuing attitude may also be palpable. We send out mixed messages. Our actions may indicate willingness, but our emotions say otherwise. This dichotomy creates confusion causing effective communication to break down.

When we practice self care we avoid the trap that caretaking creates. We decide whether we wish to comply with requests. If we agree, we do so free of expectations. We are not seeking control, but rather doing what we have been asked out of love. This changes how we experience our choices. We can relax and feel good about ourselves. We can take care of those we love without sacrificing our own self esteem in the process. We can learn to say no when we feel the need. We will come to understand that when we let go and allow others to take care of themselves, they will pick up the slack and make our lives more pleasant. We use our tools to guide us through the maze of requests. In this way we practice self care and increase our self esteem.

Are You Being Emotionally Abused? Is Your Partner Cruel?

Why are some people cruel? What happens inside to transform someone from being an average person to one who hurts others? Are cruel people aware of how they appear from the outside?

There are times when each of us has moments of cruelty. It is part of the human dynamic. But there are some folks who seem to live in that dynamic often. How do we cope if that person is our partner? What do we do to take care of ourselves in that situation? When we are involved in a relationship we see all facets our partner. Some parts of their persona may be warm, passionate, empathetic, understanding and joyful. These are the parts that lead us to love. There may be other portions of their persona that are less positive.

When we are involved with someone who is cruel important decisions lie ahead. Cruelty is emotional abuse. We have much to consider when living with an emotional abuser. Can the cruelty be stemmed? Is the cruel partner willing to change their behavior? Are we willing to set effective boundaries to protect ourselves from further harm? Are we at risk? These questions are vital if we are to practice self care.

A note: If we are at risk for physical injury we must take action to protect ourselves and others for whom we are responsible. Seeking help is imperative and must be undertaken immediately. There are 24 hour hotlines in every area dedicated to prevention of abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE or on line at http://www.ndvh.org/.

Cruelty happens when we are wounded. When an event or series of events in our past creates extreme emotional pain, it injures us in a way that creates fear and shame. We may be afraid that we will re-experience the trauma that wounded us. Our defense mechanisms work to protect us from this outcome. We may feel great shame surrounding the incident or series of incidents. Our defenses work to keep the shame a secret from ourselves and others. Keeping up the defenses we adopt due to fear and shame, robs us of the energy we could be using to enjoy our lives. Living in denial is exhausting. When we have locked ourselves out from experiencing our emotions we may escape pain, but feeling numb keeps us from experiencing the joy of being alive.

When we feel threatened we may respond with our defenses. If we feel fear we may exhibit an exaggerated response in the form of rejection and hostility. Our defenses are attempting to protect us from harm by pushing away the threat. We may appear disrespectful and demeaning to others, particularly to the person posing the threat. What happens when the threat is intimacy? When our fears surround intimacy our partner becomes the source of the threat. Their attempts to facilitate closeness and connection may trigger our fear. We may react subconsciously without even realizing that we are behaving cruelly. Our partner may feel disrespected and demeaned finding our actions confusing. We may be sending mixed messages, saying that we desire closeness and intimacy, but behaving in ways that push our partner away.

Shame may cause us to react to a perceived threat with hostility and rage. We are reminded of the secret we hide from ourselves and others. The pain of remembering is excruciating. We may react to re-experiencing the trauma of the original shaming event or series of events with an array of negative emotions. Our core is threatened and our defenses arrive to protect us from further harm. We react with cruelty. We may spew venomous sarcasm or caustic remarks. We may shut down completely refusing to engage on any level. We may collapse into tears and recriminations.

When fear surfaces we have tools available to help us respond rather than react. We can choose to allow ourselves to feel the fear. We remind ourselves that this too shall pass. Once we let ourselves experience the full impact of the emotion, we learn that feelings are not permanent.
They are like a wave crashing on a beach. The wave approaches getting larger and more threatening. It finally crashes on the sand, then dribbles away back into the ocean. Feelings also come in waves. They arrive, build, may overwhelm for a few moments (crash), then in an environment of self care they dissipate.

Shame arrives through the back door. We may not be aware when we are feeling shamed. We may only feel our defenses stirring up hostility and rage. The best method of handling shame is to openly discuss the original incident or incidents in a safe environment, such as a support group or counseling session. There we can explore our emotions and the feelings they engender. We may be having issues with anger or hostility in our relationships. These symptoms may indicate that we have unresolved shame issues. When we fail to deal with our issues in a way that encourages personal growth, our shame leaks out in the form of venomous attacks on those with whom we are closest.

The long term damage that cruelty causes cannot be underestimated. Eventually the partner subjected to these extreme forms of anger may collapse emotionally. This may lead to a variety of endings, none of which are positive. The abused partner may decide to leave the relationship, or opt for emotional withdrawal. Some partners choose to find fulfillment outside the relationship. The wounds of the past can be healed and cruel behavior patterns can end. The answer is help and self care. Learning to practice our tools can lessen the pain of the past while increasing our self esteem. As we feel better about ourselves and our behavior we are more able to practice self control and esteem building activities.

We must first face ourselves with honesty. We begin by taking responsibility for our actions. Our next step is to seek support and guidance. This is a journey that we cannot undertake alone. As we learn to take care of ourselves and recognize when we are feeling fear and shame we increase our self esteem. We use our tools to practice self care and give those we love the respect and compassion they deserve. In this way we give ourselves the gift of growth.

Shock & Awe... American Terrorism and Torture

Over the past weeks I have been listening to the information about TORTURE committed at the hand of Americans... I have been feeling the shame that comes with knowing that the government of MY country... the ones who talked about how much better America was than the rest of the world... the ones who said that the terrorists were animals... just allowed ME to feel that I am part of that animal world... that MY country is now a part of the group of THEM... the one's who perpetrate inhumane behavior... simulated drowning... putting people in small boxes with rodents or insects... forced nakedness... extreme heat or cold... being hung by chains from the ceiling... forced to stay awake for days on end... sensory deprivation for days followed by sensory overload... repeated beatings... and more...

What kind of human beings believe that this type of behavior is acceptable in ANY situation? Why would anyone ever choose to perpetrate these crimes against humanity repeatedly in the name of freedom? What kind of freedom is America selling anyway? Shock and Awe!! Disaster Capitalism!!

I have been an American my whole life. I recall traveling abroad as a young teen and feeling proud of my heritage. I remember the pride I experienced when young people in Europe looked upon my citizenship with a mixture of envy and curiosity. Much has changed in the forty years since I was a teen.

America has become a country of arrogance where the term democracy has been replaced by corporate greed and congressional lobbyists. Now when I travel outside America I feel the hesitance of foreigners who wonder if I too am an arrogant American. The eager hand of friendship I once enjoyed during my travels is gone. It has been replaced by the cold shoulder. Can I blame people for feeling this way? They don't really know me, they only know the politics of the most recent American government and the arrogance displayed in it's policies.

I feel a great loss. I was once proud to be an American. I now hesitate. I would like to be proud once again, but that would take humility on the part of my government to admit that the policies of the recent administration were a massive mistake. The arrogance that was displayed was a huge error. Allowing ourselves to think that somehow America knew best and that our government had the right to impose our way of thinking on other peoples. I am doubtful that this level of humility is actually possible. I would like to believe that the current administration has the capacity to reach out to heal the giant rift created over the past years of divisive policies.

I don't know if other countries leaders are willing to trust America again. We have betrayed their trust. Instead of being part of the solution, we became the problem. We might have printed on our money... In Greed We Trust... it would have been largely the truth. I hope with all my heart that this horrendous mistake can be corrected. Those who have perpetrated it must be permitted to feel the full responsibility for their crimes against humanity.

It must not be said that America is no longer the land of the free and the home of the brave. We must punish those who have tarnished the face of the Statue of Liberty. We must cleanse ourselves of these horrific criminal activities and purify our nation once again. If we are to be the light of the world, we must walk the talk.

Listening to the Sound of Humility

Tonight I watched our new President as he completed his eight day overseas trip. I listened closely as he spoke to the world, taking responsibility for America's part in the current economic crisis, verbalizing the hope that we Americans have for peace in our lifetimes, reaching out to our allies as an equal participant in world affairs, as a nation willing to listen with respect to differing opinions, stating that our country's goal is now a nuclear free world and that we are not and will not be at war with the Islamic people. The last administration built walls between America and the world with demeaning behaviors and caustic remarks. Our previous government behaved as though America's ideals were important and the rest of the world needed to accede to our lifestyle and values. This is a fallacy that had led us into dangerous pseudo relationships with other nations who looked upon America as a bully.

For the first time in many years I am proud, once again, to have our President represent me to the world. I listen to him speak on a range of issues and am impressed with his intelligence and ability to absorb and process great quantities of complex information. I believe that for the first time in my recent adult life we may have a leader who is actually capable of leading our country in the direction the future demands. One of the most important ideas included in our President's statements during these last eight days was that America is no longer going to behave in the same manner. We recognize that the past administration has strained relationships to the breaking point and we are ready to show our better selves to the world.

In our relationships we each have the opportunity to be the leader. There are times when our particular skills are in demand and we can shine. There are times when our partner's skills are needed and we can sit back and enjoy watching, with pride, their moment in the sun. When we love someone deeply we are as thrilled with their aspirations and accomplishments as we are with our own. Their success is tied to our lives through mutual sharing in our relationship. When they feel joy in their achievements we are able to feel joyous along with them. This support that we give and receive is part of the vital flow that enables our relationship to continue to breathe and live.

Why in some relationships is there a lack of support? What happens when one partner is unable to comfort or encourage the other. When a relationship is one sided in any area the scales tip out of balance. Over time this may cause the partner who is not getting fed to feel unappreciated or used and become hostile and angry.

Deposits are being made into the relationship account by one partner and withdrawals are being made by the other. The account becomes seriously overdrawn. In order to correct the problem, steady deposits will need to be made over a sustained period of time by the overdrawn partner to repay the account. A clear understanding of why the situation occurred and the depth of the remedy necessary to repair the damage is critical to avoid unrealistic expectations about the time needed to heal the damage. In beginning to make new deposits the overdrawn partner may expect their mate to be pleased and forgiving quickly. This may not be possible at first as trust rebuilds slowly. Over time, the overdrawn partner may begin to feel unappreciated for these new efforts and become hostile and angry as well.

Hostility and anger can lead one or both partners to begin to build walls within the relationship. Walls are built of bricks composed of bitterness, sarcasm, demeaning remarks and stony silence. When there is a lack of understanding and ineffective communication the relationship is being drained of life. Breathing slows and death may be near. If both partners are willing, life can be replenished. Making a commitment to understanding the underlying problem and learning the necessary skills to repair the damaged relationship is a tall order. It takes a promise of time, effort, patience and a great deal of work by both parties to salvage a severely damaged partnership. Counseling may be necessary for a relationship on the brink of crumbling. There can be hope for a bright future amidst the chaos and confusion if partners are open minded and teachable.

We use our tools in our daily lives to continue to breathe life into our relationship, make our daily deposits and keep life flowing between partners. A healthy partnership is a gift that can never be taken for granted. It is the goal we all yearn to achieve. When we have done the difficult work to obtain such a grand prize we never forget the mountain we climbed to grab the gold ring. We utilize our tools and make certain that we practice self care in our daily lives to protect our most precious asset. In this way we give ourselves and our partner the gift of support.

Managing Expectations - Creating Stability

Making the commitment to be in a relationship is a responsibility. Two people deciding that partnership is what they desire is the basis for a relationship. To fully understand the responsibilities that partnership entails, it may be helpful to view it as though it is a business venture.

In a business relationship there are clearly delineated responsibilities and defined roles. Each party to the partnership knows exactly what their job entails and what is expected of them on a daily basis. This reliability and accountability is what keeps the wheels of the business oiled and allows the venture to continue with stability. None of the participants in the business assume that the other knows what they want or need. All communication is done openly with respect and clarity. This too keeps the business running smoothly and allows the partners to maximize their effectiveness within their business relationship.

If we apply these same principles to our personal partnerships and relationships we have a healthy basis upon which to build. As successful business persons we follow proven principles that work well in business settings. As capable adults we can transfer these skills to our personal lives. If we clarify our responsibilities with our partner and are accountable for our part, we enable the partnership to function at optimal health. Most of us have the skills that it takes to be successful in our careers. If we look at our relationship as a career at home and apply the skills we have learned in the business world to our personal relationships, we may enhance our daily lives.

We treat our partner as though they are the most important relationship we have, because it is true. We give love, gentleness, understanding, honesty, compassion, respect, reliability, accountability and effective communication to our partner as a gift from our hearts without expectation. We do this because we believe that our partner has our best interests at heart and will do the same for us. As long as we feel valued and balanced in our relationships we can continue in them in health. Over time as we give and receive, stability develops in our relationship and we can begin to trust in our partnership.

As we build our relationship with our partner we use our tools to practice self care in our daily lives. We increase our self esteem each day as we learn to value ourselves and trust our instincts. In this way we give ourselves the gift of stability.

The Budget - Money, Money, Money and More Money

One of the topics that partners argue about most fiercely is finances... specifically, how to handle their money. We all have feelings about where our earnings should be spent, what portion to save and how to handle budgeting. Though the discussions seem to be centered around money, there may actually be a larger issue under negotiation. Partners may be working out disagreements over power in the relationship. This may be especially true when both are wage earners. The issues can get even more complex if the partners have a blended family. There are serious factors to be considered in making decisions at all levels of planning.

Partners to a relationship are individuals as well as part of a partnership. They each have desires that may need to be met via expenditures. If one or both of the partners have familial obligations from a prior relationship, those obligations need to be met as well. In order to avoid falling into a dysfunctional pattern of managing the partnership's financial assets, decisions may need to be made to handle finances in a business-like manner.

When both partners are wage earners a monetary arrangement can be made based upon equitable contribution. This asks each to commit a portion of earnings to joint expenses based upon the percentage of funds brought into the partnership on a monthly basis. The total expenses for the month are calculated. Each partner adds their contribution, based on the percentage of funds they earn, to the partnership account.

Should one or both partners have financial obligations from a prior relationship, it may be in the best interests of the partners to meet these monetary needs from their own personal funds. In this way partners take care of their personal obligations independently.

It is critical that partners work together to establish a budget. In working through the budgeting process, partners include all expenses, both weekly [allowances], monthly [rent], quarterly [real estate taxes] and annually [insurance premiums]. Once all items have been included, a realistic budget for the partnership can be set. This exercise gives both partners a clear understanding of the fiscal requirements necessary to keep the partnership afloat. If one partner suffers a decrease in income, the budget process must be reworked to include the decrease in overall income and the percentages of equitable contribution.

This budgeting process educates both parties as to the monetary needs of the partnership. A well thought out budget may eliminate much of the fiscal squabbles, as both parties have may personal funds remaining for discretionary spending.

Learning about fiscal responsibility in a partnership strengthens the bond between partners, giving them the shared responsibility of monetary policy in their own lives. This is an important tool that partners can use to enhance the value of their relationship and increase effective communication. Developing and practicing these tools may lead to increased self esteem as partners successfully share the duties of making their partnership solvent.

Practicing and using tools in our daily lives produces results. We can continue to raise our self esteem and increase the value of our partnership by practicing responsible fiscal policy in our relationship and in our daily lives. In this way we give ourselves the gift of financial security.