If you don't want the truth... don't ask me. If you want something sugarcoated... go eat a donut.
Today while surfing online I read a post that struck me. It really got me thinking... do we want to hear the truth when we come to a counselor looking for support? Or are we just there to have someone reinforce our own point of view? Are we looking for truth or validation?
Personally, I think we attend counseling to allow another to tell us the truth. It may be the awful truth... it may be something we'd rather not hear... but in the end what we really desire is for someone... anyone... to finally be 100% honest with us.
Why do I think that is the case? Because for many of us we have been deceived and manipulated by others for so long that we doubt our ability to discern the truth. We have lost our innate trust in our own gut.
It may have happened when we were kids and our parents refused to discuss the elephant in the room... an alcoholic or abusive parent or sibling for example... and we began to believe that somehow we were wrong. We saw that elephant... didn't they? Why wouldn't they talk to us about it? Why did they insist it wasn't there? Were we unable to properly distinguish reality? They are big... we are small... they know what's real... we don't. We are scared by this difference in perception. In order to feel safe we decide to believe they are right.
Here we are... many years later. We try to select a partner with whom to create a life. We pick someone who "feels right". All goes well at first... we then discover we have chosen a person who mirrors some of the same dysfunction we experienced in our childhoods. It "felt right" because as dysfunctional as our childhoods may have been... it's comfortable... familiar.
Years pass and we and our partner drift apart. We come to counseling and we vent... we cry... we allow ourselves to be seen in all our pain. We want answers. We want someone... anyone... to finally tell us why this happened in our relationship.
Finally we begin to see the truth. We are told something in counseling that infuriates us and realize we are still reacting to the same old pain. Sometimes we read a book and see ourselves in a new light. Sometimes others situations are similar and we learn from their wisdom. However it happens... we learn more about ourselves through the process.
In the end we come through the experience with new wisdom... an inner strength we never knew existed... and discover serenity and acceptance.
Showing posts with label deception. Show all posts
Showing posts with label deception. Show all posts
Monday, January 3, 2011
Friday, September 25, 2009
Cyberspace: Danger Ahead
There have been many questions posed regarding cyber sex, infidelity, online safety and appropriate limits to these relationships as regards our primary partnership.
There are two types of affairs that occur in committed relationships. There is the betrayal that occurs when one partner has a physical relationship outside the partnership. That type of betrayal may or may not involve emotional attachment.
There is also the emotional affair. Emotional affairs are particularly dangerous because the parties involved are building intimacy with a person who is not a part of their primary relationship.
When intimacy is built outside of the primary relationship walls tend to go up between partners. There is an instinctive reaction to back away, to retreat from the openness and trust that existed before one partner began to need to hide their feelings and actions from the other.
Neither of these affairs is positive or beneficial for the long term health of the relationship. Any time one partner must behave covertly, the line between acceptable interaction and unacceptable interaction has been crossed.
In cyberspace, where honesty and deception can easily become interwoven during texting and chatting, the specter of anonymity allows people to entertain ideas that they might not in live interactions. For this reason care must be taken when online to be wary of predators and abusers. The inability to read body language, tone of voice and gestures makes it easy for those who would deceive.
Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites can be great places to share tidbits of everyday life with family and friends or conduct business. Finding classmates from the past can be fun, but chatting with former beaus may carry the risk of opening up old feelings that may not belong in the present.
As long as partners don't password protect their computers from one another and allow each other free access (whether it's used or not) to each others web pages, there should be no reason for concern. Use common sense, when it feels like it's going in the wrong direction and you wonder if you should continue, you probably shouldn't.
There are two types of affairs that occur in committed relationships. There is the betrayal that occurs when one partner has a physical relationship outside the partnership. That type of betrayal may or may not involve emotional attachment.
There is also the emotional affair. Emotional affairs are particularly dangerous because the parties involved are building intimacy with a person who is not a part of their primary relationship.
When intimacy is built outside of the primary relationship walls tend to go up between partners. There is an instinctive reaction to back away, to retreat from the openness and trust that existed before one partner began to need to hide their feelings and actions from the other.
Neither of these affairs is positive or beneficial for the long term health of the relationship. Any time one partner must behave covertly, the line between acceptable interaction and unacceptable interaction has been crossed.
In cyberspace, where honesty and deception can easily become interwoven during texting and chatting, the specter of anonymity allows people to entertain ideas that they might not in live interactions. For this reason care must be taken when online to be wary of predators and abusers. The inability to read body language, tone of voice and gestures makes it easy for those who would deceive.
Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites can be great places to share tidbits of everyday life with family and friends or conduct business. Finding classmates from the past can be fun, but chatting with former beaus may carry the risk of opening up old feelings that may not belong in the present.
As long as partners don't password protect their computers from one another and allow each other free access (whether it's used or not) to each others web pages, there should be no reason for concern. Use common sense, when it feels like it's going in the wrong direction and you wonder if you should continue, you probably shouldn't.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Shining the Light Through The Veil of Deception
And so it begins. The hearings in the House and Senate on torture will bring to light the information that has shamed all of us who are proud of our country. We will see the ugliness that came from absolute power that corrupted absolutely. Those who committed war crimes under the guise that, a threat was imminent and we had no other choice, will be trotted out, their sins finally seeing the light of day.
We must do this as a nation to give the clear message to all those who come after us that this type of behavior will not be tolerated by the people of America. We are a people of morals and values that we will not compromise, even when faced with extreme fear. There is no reason to stoop to such degradation and humiliation.
If we are to continue to be the light of the world and the example of democracy, we cannot behave in such dehumanizing ways. As the leaders of the free world we carry the heavy responsibility to act in such a way that sets the example of regard for all human life. We have reached the tipping point. The American people can no longer sit idly by and watch as our country is turned into a terrorist nation by the terrorized people who ran our former administration.
Torture is a war crime that carries with it not just the punishment of imprisonment, but the shame of betrayal. Those who have tortured others in the name of America must face the shame of their actions and be shunned by the respected citizens of the United States and the world.
In shining the light of intense scrutiny through the veil of deception we will uncover the truth. Let it come. It is the cleansing that we must endure to rid ourselves of the filth that these horrendous acts have bestowed upon us.
May God bless us in our search for truth.
We must do this as a nation to give the clear message to all those who come after us that this type of behavior will not be tolerated by the people of America. We are a people of morals and values that we will not compromise, even when faced with extreme fear. There is no reason to stoop to such degradation and humiliation.
If we are to continue to be the light of the world and the example of democracy, we cannot behave in such dehumanizing ways. As the leaders of the free world we carry the heavy responsibility to act in such a way that sets the example of regard for all human life. We have reached the tipping point. The American people can no longer sit idly by and watch as our country is turned into a terrorist nation by the terrorized people who ran our former administration.
Torture is a war crime that carries with it not just the punishment of imprisonment, but the shame of betrayal. Those who have tortured others in the name of America must face the shame of their actions and be shunned by the respected citizens of the United States and the world.
In shining the light of intense scrutiny through the veil of deception we will uncover the truth. Let it come. It is the cleansing that we must endure to rid ourselves of the filth that these horrendous acts have bestowed upon us.
May God bless us in our search for truth.
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