What happened to the feelings we used to have for one another in our relationship? Where did they go? Can we get back to a place where we can feel that way again?
We must try to understand that our feelings didn't just vanish overnight. They faded away a little at a time over the years as we and our partner built walls not bridges, with the communications we shared. Those walls are made of bricks crafted of disappointment, bitterness, resentments, hurts, loss, pain, rejection and uncertainty.
Since it took years to create those walls we cannot expect them to come down quickly. The mortar that holds those bricks together is formed from defense mechanisms that each of us have learned during our time together to protect ourselves from further pain and loss.
The reason we don't "feel anything" for our partner right now, is because we have experienced so much pain, loss and disappointment... that our defense mechanisms have sprung up to protect us... in this way we don't feel anything at all... we're numb.
It's easier to be numb than to feel pain. But remember, numb means we don't feel joy (or love) either. In order to begin to "feel" for our partner again, we are going to have to experience the backlog of frozen feelings that we have been avoiding through being numb. Once we have cleared through all that frozen pain, loss, disappointment and whatever else is in there... quite a lot of work... we will begin to experience our emotions once again.
This is not a task for the faint hearted. Facing all the "stuff" that we have denied and allowed our defenses to freeze will be a courageous experience like none other we have undertaken in our adult life.
BUT... it is a journey worth every ounce of effort. It will bring us to a place of peace unlike anything we have ever experienced. Good luck to each of us as we embark on our journey... and all our hopes that we find ourselves through this process of recovery.
Showing posts with label reject. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reject. Show all posts
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Betrayed!!
How do we cope when we are betrayed? What do we do to take care of ourselves? How can we heal our hurts?
When our partner betrays us, whether it be via an adulterous relationship or through another breach, we are injured at our core. This is someone we have allowed into our lives in a very deep and meaningful way. We have become intimate with our partner in a variety of areas which we do not share with any other persons. As a result we feel crushed, sometimes lost. We experience our loss in the most personal of ways. This type of betrayal carries with it the added pain of personal rejection. Our partner is someone who knows us inside and out and has rejected us for our inner selves in a very painful and personal way.
At first we are shocked, infuriated and hurt. We may react with anger and fury. As time passes and the reality of our situation sinks in we may become hostile and cold toward our partner. If we have been betrayed we may wish to end the relationship. Or, we may wish to continue the relationship, but may not know how to get past the hurt and resentment. We have lost the trust shared in our relationship.
It is imperative that we not make life altering decisions during this initial time. We are still very raw and may be unable to rationally approach the situation. We may be too angry to think long term and may be incapable of thinking clearly.
Our first path should be to find ourselves a counselor with whom we feel comfortable where we can sort out our feelings and decide how to move forward. This may take some time. We must be patient. As we work through our feelings of hostility and pain we may discover that we have some portion of responsibility for the failure in our relationship. We have many difficult decisions ahead and we should not make them alone.
With the help of our counselor we begin to rebuild our shattered self esteem. Slowly, one step at a time we trudge back from the brink toward a healthier place. At first we have many days when we feel sad or angry. As time passes and we experience healing we have a few better days. Eventually we have many days when we feel at peace with ourselves and our situation. This healing process happens slowly, three steps forward and two steps back.
We practice self care, allowing ourselves to feel all our feelings fully, process what has happened to us and move forward. When we feel overwhelmed we take steps to soothe ourselves back into balance. We may call a friend, take a walk, enjoy a hot bath, read a book, watch a favorite movie or just take a nap. As we learn to care for ourselves we increase our self esteem giving ourselves the gift of a healthier, more joy filled future.
When our partner betrays us, whether it be via an adulterous relationship or through another breach, we are injured at our core. This is someone we have allowed into our lives in a very deep and meaningful way. We have become intimate with our partner in a variety of areas which we do not share with any other persons. As a result we feel crushed, sometimes lost. We experience our loss in the most personal of ways. This type of betrayal carries with it the added pain of personal rejection. Our partner is someone who knows us inside and out and has rejected us for our inner selves in a very painful and personal way.
At first we are shocked, infuriated and hurt. We may react with anger and fury. As time passes and the reality of our situation sinks in we may become hostile and cold toward our partner. If we have been betrayed we may wish to end the relationship. Or, we may wish to continue the relationship, but may not know how to get past the hurt and resentment. We have lost the trust shared in our relationship.
It is imperative that we not make life altering decisions during this initial time. We are still very raw and may be unable to rationally approach the situation. We may be too angry to think long term and may be incapable of thinking clearly.
Our first path should be to find ourselves a counselor with whom we feel comfortable where we can sort out our feelings and decide how to move forward. This may take some time. We must be patient. As we work through our feelings of hostility and pain we may discover that we have some portion of responsibility for the failure in our relationship. We have many difficult decisions ahead and we should not make them alone.
With the help of our counselor we begin to rebuild our shattered self esteem. Slowly, one step at a time we trudge back from the brink toward a healthier place. At first we have many days when we feel sad or angry. As time passes and we experience healing we have a few better days. Eventually we have many days when we feel at peace with ourselves and our situation. This healing process happens slowly, three steps forward and two steps back.
We practice self care, allowing ourselves to feel all our feelings fully, process what has happened to us and move forward. When we feel overwhelmed we take steps to soothe ourselves back into balance. We may call a friend, take a walk, enjoy a hot bath, read a book, watch a favorite movie or just take a nap. As we learn to care for ourselves we increase our self esteem giving ourselves the gift of a healthier, more joy filled future.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Life As We Are
We see the world not as it us, but as we are.
This is a basic fundamental awareness that has escaped many of us for a good portion of our lives. We are taught from the time we are very small that we experience the world through our five senses accurately. The truth is that the amount of sensory input we receive moment to moment vastly exceeds our capacity to process it. The best we can hope for is a scant overview of our environment. But the real key to the puzzle isn't how much of our input we process, but the filter we use to do that processing.
We develop our processing filter during our everyday lives. We begin when we are young within our family of origin. We absorb the values and ideals of our caretakers as we spend time with them. We observe how they respond to their environment and we mimic that learned behavior until we make it our own. As we grow we add to the base we acquired in childhood. During our adolescence we add much from our external family... our friends.... usually to the displeasure of our caretakers. As we approach adulthood we sort through all the values we have internalized and finally create our filter. Although we have the capacity to revamp that filter as we wish, our general tendency may be to continue to see our lives through it. It has effectively become the base of our belief system.
There are times when we suddenly see our lives without the filter. We experience a paradigm shift. For a brief moment we see ourselves as others may see us. How we internalize that message determines whether we are capable of changing ourselves as a result of that experience. If our self esteem is strong and we feel confident, we may accept this new information readily and adapt. But what if our self esteem is low. We may see the new information as threatening and reject the message, thereby preventing change and growth in ourselves.
This underlies the need for using our tools in our daily lives. As we continue to practice self care we become more adept at using our tools. As we become more and more familiar and comfortable with our tools we integrate them into ourselves, thereby increasing our self esteem. As our self esteem rises we are more able to accept the truth, that our vision of life is not as it is, but as we are. In this way we give ourselves the gift of acceptance.
This is a basic fundamental awareness that has escaped many of us for a good portion of our lives. We are taught from the time we are very small that we experience the world through our five senses accurately. The truth is that the amount of sensory input we receive moment to moment vastly exceeds our capacity to process it. The best we can hope for is a scant overview of our environment. But the real key to the puzzle isn't how much of our input we process, but the filter we use to do that processing.
We develop our processing filter during our everyday lives. We begin when we are young within our family of origin. We absorb the values and ideals of our caretakers as we spend time with them. We observe how they respond to their environment and we mimic that learned behavior until we make it our own. As we grow we add to the base we acquired in childhood. During our adolescence we add much from our external family... our friends.... usually to the displeasure of our caretakers. As we approach adulthood we sort through all the values we have internalized and finally create our filter. Although we have the capacity to revamp that filter as we wish, our general tendency may be to continue to see our lives through it. It has effectively become the base of our belief system.
There are times when we suddenly see our lives without the filter. We experience a paradigm shift. For a brief moment we see ourselves as others may see us. How we internalize that message determines whether we are capable of changing ourselves as a result of that experience. If our self esteem is strong and we feel confident, we may accept this new information readily and adapt. But what if our self esteem is low. We may see the new information as threatening and reject the message, thereby preventing change and growth in ourselves.
This underlies the need for using our tools in our daily lives. As we continue to practice self care we become more adept at using our tools. As we become more and more familiar and comfortable with our tools we integrate them into ourselves, thereby increasing our self esteem. As our self esteem rises we are more able to accept the truth, that our vision of life is not as it is, but as we are. In this way we give ourselves the gift of acceptance.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
That's How You See Me? That's Not How I See Myself!!
How do we appear to our partner when we are upset and angry? When we feel like the victim, what do others see in our response?
We cannot underestimate the importance of the message we intend vis a vis the message received when we communicate with others. How we feel on the inside is clearly different from what we project on the outside. When we feel victimized on the inside we may seem
abrasive and hostile on the outside. We may be feeling self rightous on the inside as regards the areas where we feel like the victim, but what we project seems defensive and rejecting toward others.
This disparity between how we perceive ourselves and how others see us may be one of the causes of negative responses when we try to communicate dissatisfaction within our relationship. We may have legitimate areas which require discussion and compromise, but if our communication is laced with negative emotion, our real message may get buried under all the unspoken hostility.
Those who see themselves as victims tend to feel hostile and angry. It is difficult to communicate effectively when our anger is leaking out during conversation. Our partner senses the unspoken issues and without any guidelines may fill in the blanks with their own misinformation. This can lead to serious misunderstandings making communication even more difficult.
The communication style known as dialoging is an important tool for avoiding some of the pitfalls in relational conversation. In dialoging partners reflect back both the spoken and unspoken messages that have been received during conversation. Rather than repeating the words back, partners interpret the spoken messages as well as the body language and emotions sensed. This type of communication gives partners the opportunity to really listen to one another. They are feeling heard, yet more importantly, understood and validated. There is a vast difference between parroting the words said and reflecting the entire meaning within a communication.
Realizing that we are not as we see ourselves is an important first step in learning effective communication skills. Our intentions have no meaning to others. They cannot sense what we mean, only what we say and project through body language. When we are aware of this disparity, we can make every effort to be as honest and open as possible in our conversation to attempt to avoid miscommunication and mixed messages.
We practice using our tools in our daily lives to enable us to put feeling words to our emotions. This part of self care allows us to process our emotions. In doing so, we become increasingly aware of how we feel and may appear to others. As we use our tools we increase our self esteem and give ourselves the gift of effective communication.
We cannot underestimate the importance of the message we intend vis a vis the message received when we communicate with others. How we feel on the inside is clearly different from what we project on the outside. When we feel victimized on the inside we may seem
abrasive and hostile on the outside. We may be feeling self rightous on the inside as regards the areas where we feel like the victim, but what we project seems defensive and rejecting toward others.
This disparity between how we perceive ourselves and how others see us may be one of the causes of negative responses when we try to communicate dissatisfaction within our relationship. We may have legitimate areas which require discussion and compromise, but if our communication is laced with negative emotion, our real message may get buried under all the unspoken hostility.
Those who see themselves as victims tend to feel hostile and angry. It is difficult to communicate effectively when our anger is leaking out during conversation. Our partner senses the unspoken issues and without any guidelines may fill in the blanks with their own misinformation. This can lead to serious misunderstandings making communication even more difficult.
The communication style known as dialoging is an important tool for avoiding some of the pitfalls in relational conversation. In dialoging partners reflect back both the spoken and unspoken messages that have been received during conversation. Rather than repeating the words back, partners interpret the spoken messages as well as the body language and emotions sensed. This type of communication gives partners the opportunity to really listen to one another. They are feeling heard, yet more importantly, understood and validated. There is a vast difference between parroting the words said and reflecting the entire meaning within a communication.
Realizing that we are not as we see ourselves is an important first step in learning effective communication skills. Our intentions have no meaning to others. They cannot sense what we mean, only what we say and project through body language. When we are aware of this disparity, we can make every effort to be as honest and open as possible in our conversation to attempt to avoid miscommunication and mixed messages.
We practice using our tools in our daily lives to enable us to put feeling words to our emotions. This part of self care allows us to process our emotions. In doing so, we become increasingly aware of how we feel and may appear to others. As we use our tools we increase our self esteem and give ourselves the gift of effective communication.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Growth
When we are very young we absorb our values from our caretakers. We observe how they interact with their world and this becomes the basis for our values later in life. During our teen years we sort through all this collective information. We "try on" different value sets to see how we appear in them. As we go through this process we accept some values and reject others.
During the tumultuous teens we experiment with life. We can be kind, generous and supportive, yet at other times completely self absorbed. We experience the world almost exclusively through our own eyes during this period. We may have momentary flashes of how we appear to others, but we are mostly self engaged.
As we pass from teens to young adults our ability to see ourselves more holistically emerges. We begin to understand the possible consequences of our behaviors and set about modifying ourselves. We see how our actions generate unpleasant consequences as past missteps begin to effect our lives. This is the time when we take steps to correct areas in our lives where we may have gotten off track. We fine tune our values during this period as we morph into adults.
What happens when this process get derailed? When we come from a dysfunctional family of origin our growth process can be stalled. We may find ourselves stuck in patterns more appropriate for a youngster or teen. We may not be aware of what has happened or why we are reacting rather than responding to our environment. We have developed issues somewhere along the way. These issues may cause us to feel emotional pain. If we are stuck in a pattern we wish to change, our first step in the process is recognition. We have seen ourselves through the eyes of another and our paradigm has been altered. We are now able to adjust our behavior through the use of tools. We allow our higher power to lead us onto our path. The way may be rocky, but we are capable. We give ourselves the gift of increased self esteem through the use of tools in our daily lives.
During the tumultuous teens we experiment with life. We can be kind, generous and supportive, yet at other times completely self absorbed. We experience the world almost exclusively through our own eyes during this period. We may have momentary flashes of how we appear to others, but we are mostly self engaged.
As we pass from teens to young adults our ability to see ourselves more holistically emerges. We begin to understand the possible consequences of our behaviors and set about modifying ourselves. We see how our actions generate unpleasant consequences as past missteps begin to effect our lives. This is the time when we take steps to correct areas in our lives where we may have gotten off track. We fine tune our values during this period as we morph into adults.
What happens when this process get derailed? When we come from a dysfunctional family of origin our growth process can be stalled. We may find ourselves stuck in patterns more appropriate for a youngster or teen. We may not be aware of what has happened or why we are reacting rather than responding to our environment. We have developed issues somewhere along the way. These issues may cause us to feel emotional pain. If we are stuck in a pattern we wish to change, our first step in the process is recognition. We have seen ourselves through the eyes of another and our paradigm has been altered. We are now able to adjust our behavior through the use of tools. We allow our higher power to lead us onto our path. The way may be rocky, but we are capable. We give ourselves the gift of increased self esteem through the use of tools in our daily lives.
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