Holidays… Ugh!!

How do we cope with our strong feelings when we are dealing with someone who is unaware of how their behavior affects others?

Often times we are forced to deal with people… especially in family situations and surrounding holidays events… who are unaware of how their actions appear to others. It is common for us to believe that our intentions are visible, when in fact it is only our actions that can be seen and felt by those around us.

If others are feeling overwhelmed and their actions impact us, what can we do to practice self care? We use our tools… deep breathing… taking a walk… calling a friend… journaling… prayer… letting go. If necessary we give ourselves permission to leave the situation and take a time out until we feel more balanced. We cannot be emotionally present for others if we are not practicing self care. If practical, we can return once we are centered to discuss the situation in an attempt to resolve issues.

Part of self care is effectively managing expectations. If we have a history of unresolved issues involving family, we must learn to expect whatever family dynamics exist to continue. We can choose not to participate in unhealthy situations. We expect many change back messages from those who are uncomfortable with our growth. We can understand their discomfort… empathize… and still maintain our healthy boundaries.

The holidays can be an especially trying time as we interact with our family of origin. Old issues that lie beneath the surface may be triggered by interactions with siblings, parents or extended family. We owe it to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care and manage expectations. In this way we have the ability to spend our time with our families while still maintaining healthy boundaries and working on more positive interactions.

Am I Angry or Enraged?

I like to think of anger as a stop sign. It is a signal to us that someone or something has crossed our boundary or violated our values. If we ignore our anger and internalize it we eventually experience it coming out sidways... possibly passive aggressively, making ourselves sick, or a multitude of other avenues.

Anger is the tip of the emotional iceberg. Most of the time is it our defense mechanism rising up to protect us from experiencing deeper feelings... like fear, loss, saddness. That's why I like to call it a stop sign. If we stop and consider, why am I angry? We may get a chance to know ourselves better. We may be able to realize a deeper feeling underneath the anger and address an unresolved issue.

There is another form... rage. Rage is very different from anger. Rage is not a response to a current boundary incursion or value violation. Rage is a response to a trigger from the past. When we react toward current events with rage we are reacting to something that happened long ago that has remained unresolved.

Rage feels different than anger. It rises us from the depths of our toes, it burns like a fire, we feel it bubble and boil in our guts. Rage causes us to react with a 10 when a 2 is appropriate. Rage is a signal that we have been triggered and have an unresolved issue that needs attention.

Anger has a place in relationships. When we are angry we can take some time to think about our situation, figure out why we feel the way we do, then choose to do something about it.

Rage has no place in relationships. Rage is a destructive force that injures both parties causing resentment and bitterness over time. Rage is a form of abuse.

Why Be Compassionate?

What is compassion? Why do we need to feel compassion toward our partner? What happens to us when we are not compassionate?

Compassion is something we feel inside. It is an emotion. It is what it feels like to look at our partner, who has behaved in an uncaring manner, and feel for the loss of self esteem they experience as a result, rather than reacting to the perceived hurt. It means that we give our partner the benefit of the doubt when they behave in ways that may give us pause.

When we are in a committed relationship there will be times when we become irritated with our partner. If we do not deal with these minor irritations in productive ways... effective communication... dialogue... compromise... over time we may become angry and resentful. When we move toward anger we move away from compassion. We begin to see the world in a myopic manner, viewing our own emotions and excluding all else. We may forget that our partner has feelings. When our anger takes over and we focus exclusively on our own feelings we lose our ability to feel compassion. We forget that there are two viewpoints to every situation.

Should we lose our ability to feel compassion, we appear calloused and insensitive toward our partner. This adds nothing but fuel to the fire. Our partner interprets our actions as justification for their own behavior. We have allowed our reaction to create an itch scratch scenario. It no longer matters who instigated the problem, we are now involved in a circular pattern of reactions that continues to feed off itself.

When experiencing strong emotions, as a result of the uncaring behavior of our partner, we may be triggered due to unresolved issues related to our family of origin. These strong emotions may be exaggerated due to our childhood issues. This may lead us to employ defense mechanisms designed to protect us from feeling the fear generated by our early childhood experiences. Although these defenses worked well to ensure our survival during our interactions with our family of origin, they may be hampering our adult interactions with our partner.

We choose to respond rather than react. We realize that our partner may be feeling virtually the same emotions. They too have feelings and may be hurt or upset. We take a deep breath, center ourselves and consider how we appear from their point of view. We then respond with compassion, letting go of our need to defend ourselves against our fear.

How Can I Practice Self Care in My Relationship?

One of the first things we learn in recovery is that we can't control anyone but ourselves. Once we let go of trying to control people, things and outcomes, we have a much better chance at changing the one thing we do have control over... ourselves.

Owning our power, as opposed to giving it to our partner in the form of seeking approval, is one example of self care. We begin to complete our daily activities for our own reasons, to please ourselves, rather than to glean an approving nod or comment from our partner. When we place our partner in the role of judge, we give away our power.

The acronym H.A.L.T.S. is an effective way to remember areas that may provide room for conflict... hungry, angry, lonely, tired, sad or scared. These six key areas may be triggers, leading us to use defense mechanisms to ease our discomfort. Recognizing that we are experiencing one of these feelings may be a boost to self understanding. We can practice self care (eat when hungry, take a time out for anger, call a friend if lonely, nap if tired, figure out why we are sad or scared and allow ourselves to be vulnerable by sharing) before we react to our partner, possibly avoiding negative interactions.

Some things in relationships are unchangeable. Basic personality traits of our partner may be something we must learn to accept, whether we are thrilled by all of them or not. For some, gratefulness is a way out. Gratefulness allow us to be aware of the blessings we already have and helps us to focus our attention in those areas. Once we are truly grateful for the blessings we already have in our lives, we are ripe for receiving more. It may help to keep a gratefulness journal where we write down five things for which we are grateful each day before bed. Over time we see that we have a full and wonderful life. This journal can be a great tool to read when we are feeling upset or out of balance and want to center ourselves.

The habit of keeping score is common in relationships. It can create difficulties for many reasons. When we lose sight of our contribution within the grand scheme of things, when we begin to see ourselves as the victim, we have become out of balance. We begin to focus on taking care of ourselves and practice using our tools in our daily lives, we may begin to give up the practice of keeping score. We realize that we are once again trying to control people, things and outcomes. We practice letting go and allowing outcomes to develop naturally along with gratefulness for all that we have been given in this world.

We are on the road to a wonderfully balanced inter-dependent relationship. The kind that brings much joy to partners. We work toward receiving the many blessings that a fulfilling relationship and life together has to offer!

Cloaking Vulnerability with Anger

Some of the most important issues responsible for anger, particularly in men, are fear and shame. Feelings of inadequacy may be a trigger to his anger because those feelings of inadequacy are either shame or fear based. Resentments in a relationship may often be a result of building walls instead of bridges where feelings of inadequacy spur shame and fear. But, the underlying cause is still shame and fear. The resentment may be the symptom, not the cause.

Behavior which agrees with one's inner values is vital to being a comfortable human being. However, having vulnerable feelings is something that men in our society are taught from earliest times not to do, eg: big boys don't cry, suck it up, man it up, etc, etc. All these phrases tell men that it's not manly or okay to have vulnerable feelings. When men have those feelings they feel wimpy or girly or faggy. None of these tags are positive and therefore having vulnerable feelings is seen as unmanly and and weak by men themselves. Anger is an effective defense mechanism for cloaking vulnerable feelings, since it is a socially acceptable emotion for men to portray. Anger is manly, macho, primitive and fearsome. These tags are positive in the man's world.

The additional pressure in a relationship to be intimate and allow for human error and flexibility may draw men even further into the depths of despair when coming face to face with vulnerable feelings. It is common for folks to project their feelings onto others when upsetting issues come to the forefront. Men are no exception. When vulnerability surfaces they most often look to their partners to blame outward, whereas women most often tend to blame inward, accepting that this vulnerability may be their doing - whether earned or not. Anger again is a socially acceptable alternative to choosing vulnerability. Men tough it out! There's strong and then there's Army strong! Not the poster child for vulnerability.

The societal erosion of men's self esteem in this area of vulnerability is, I believe, quite serious. Sam Keen, in his book, Fire in the Belly, states that men are the canaries in the coal mine regarding the state of our nation in the area of emotional availability. I firmly believe that men's groups that allow men a safe place to vent and speak about their issues with other men in a safe environment, is the most important step we have taken in the recovery movement toward addressing these very difficult issues.

Are You Being Emotionally Abused? Is Your Partner Cruel?

Why are some people cruel? What happens inside to transform someone from being an average person to one who hurts others? Are cruel people aware of how they appear from the outside?

There are times when each of us has moments of cruelty. It is part of the human dynamic. But there are some folks who seem to live in that dynamic often. How do we cope if that person is our partner? What do we do to take care of ourselves in that situation? When we are involved in a relationship we see all facets our partner. Some parts of their persona may be warm, passionate, empathetic, understanding and joyful. These are the parts that lead us to love. There may be other portions of their persona that are less positive.

When we are involved with someone who is cruel important decisions lie ahead. Cruelty is emotional abuse. We have much to consider when living with an emotional abuser. Can the cruelty be stemmed? Is the cruel partner willing to change their behavior? Are we willing to set effective boundaries to protect ourselves from further harm? Are we at risk? These questions are vital if we are to practice self care.

A note: If we are at risk for physical injury we must take action to protect ourselves and others for whom we are responsible. Seeking help is imperative and must be undertaken immediately. There are 24 hour hotlines in every area dedicated to prevention of abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline can be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE or on line at http://www.ndvh.org/.

Cruelty happens when we are wounded. When an event or series of events in our past creates extreme emotional pain, it injures us in a way that creates fear and shame. We may be afraid that we will re-experience the trauma that wounded us. Our defense mechanisms work to protect us from this outcome. We may feel great shame surrounding the incident or series of incidents. Our defenses work to keep the shame a secret from ourselves and others. Keeping up the defenses we adopt due to fear and shame, robs us of the energy we could be using to enjoy our lives. Living in denial is exhausting. When we have locked ourselves out from experiencing our emotions we may escape pain, but feeling numb keeps us from experiencing the joy of being alive.

When we feel threatened we may respond with our defenses. If we feel fear we may exhibit an exaggerated response in the form of rejection and hostility. Our defenses are attempting to protect us from harm by pushing away the threat. We may appear disrespectful and demeaning to others, particularly to the person posing the threat. What happens when the threat is intimacy? When our fears surround intimacy our partner becomes the source of the threat. Their attempts to facilitate closeness and connection may trigger our fear. We may react subconsciously without even realizing that we are behaving cruelly. Our partner may feel disrespected and demeaned finding our actions confusing. We may be sending mixed messages, saying that we desire closeness and intimacy, but behaving in ways that push our partner away.

Shame may cause us to react to a perceived threat with hostility and rage. We are reminded of the secret we hide from ourselves and others. The pain of remembering is excruciating. We may react to re-experiencing the trauma of the original shaming event or series of events with an array of negative emotions. Our core is threatened and our defenses arrive to protect us from further harm. We react with cruelty. We may spew venomous sarcasm or caustic remarks. We may shut down completely refusing to engage on any level. We may collapse into tears and recriminations.

When fear surfaces we have tools available to help us respond rather than react. We can choose to allow ourselves to feel the fear. We remind ourselves that this too shall pass. Once we let ourselves experience the full impact of the emotion, we learn that feelings are not permanent.
They are like a wave crashing on a beach. The wave approaches getting larger and more threatening. It finally crashes on the sand, then dribbles away back into the ocean. Feelings also come in waves. They arrive, build, may overwhelm for a few moments (crash), then in an environment of self care they dissipate.

Shame arrives through the back door. We may not be aware when we are feeling shamed. We may only feel our defenses stirring up hostility and rage. The best method of handling shame is to openly discuss the original incident or incidents in a safe environment, such as a support group or counseling session. There we can explore our emotions and the feelings they engender. We may be having issues with anger or hostility in our relationships. These symptoms may indicate that we have unresolved shame issues. When we fail to deal with our issues in a way that encourages personal growth, our shame leaks out in the form of venomous attacks on those with whom we are closest.

The long term damage that cruelty causes cannot be underestimated. Eventually the partner subjected to these extreme forms of anger may collapse emotionally. This may lead to a variety of endings, none of which are positive. The abused partner may decide to leave the relationship, or opt for emotional withdrawal. Some partners choose to find fulfillment outside the relationship. The wounds of the past can be healed and cruel behavior patterns can end. The answer is help and self care. Learning to practice our tools can lessen the pain of the past while increasing our self esteem. As we feel better about ourselves and our behavior we are more able to practice self control and esteem building activities.

We must first face ourselves with honesty. We begin by taking responsibility for our actions. Our next step is to seek support and guidance. This is a journey that we cannot undertake alone. As we learn to take care of ourselves and recognize when we are feeling fear and shame we increase our self esteem. We use our tools to practice self care and give those we love the respect and compassion they deserve. In this way we give ourselves the gift of growth.

How Do We Cope During Stressful Holidays?

Happy Passover and Happy Easter!! This was a week of celebration and family. To those of us who celebrate Easter next weekend, Happy Easter to you as well. Most of us spent time with our family of origin over these past few days. We look forward to the fun and food that come with celebrating the holidays. The President and First Lady celebrated their Easter with a new arrival, Bo, the Portuguese Water Dog.

We have a guest blogger today. He has a message for Bo. "Welcome Bo!! We hear that you were rescued from a family that didn't want you anymore. My humans rescued me from the overpass near their house by the highway when I was little and homeless. Congrats on getting some cool humans to take care of you Bo. Good job!! Looks like you picked some winners. Best of luck - Sam, the Cat."

We all enjoy the laughter and good times that being with family can bring. But what if our family of origin brings other gifts that aren't so enjoyable. How do we cope with family time when it isn't as pleasant as we might like?

We can take steps to practice self care. This is even more important during the holidays when emotions may be riding high and we are with those folks in our family of origin. Many of us may have developed dysfunctional life patterns as a result of our time with family members during childhood. As we advance in recovery we may find that time with our family of origin may become difficult. We may see our caretakers and siblings in a new light.

Peeling back the veneer of our defense mechanisms may expose us to some very raw emotions. We can attend family events with this in mind, planning for self care. We can use our tools to keep ourselves balanced. We can limit our visit to an amount of time that we feel is comfortable. Since we are in recovery, we can try to avoid conversations that may trigger unpleasant memories or extreme emotions. It may be difficult at first, but as we remember that we are getting healthier every day, we can empathize with others who are less healthy. We can choose to feel for them, rather than allow them to push our buttons and control our emotions. If we are being baited, we can bite our tongues and take a time out or go for a walk. We can call a trusted friend to chat. If necessary we can take our leave. We give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves.

After we return from a family event, if we feel stressed we can practice self care. We can relax with a hot bath, listen to music, meditate, read a novel, journal, work out, call a friend and plan an outing or just take a nap. Whatever pattern of self care works for us and whatever tools we implement give us greater self esteem. We are learning to take care of the one person we will be with for life - ourselves.

HELP... My Partner's Having An Emotional Meltdown

It's been one of those days when we've been trying to keep ourselves calm and centered in the midst of our partner having a melt down. As the pressure and hostility build, we feel as if we are about to explode. We bite our tongue, the air crackles with tension, we feel as if we are going to scream. What do we do now? What tools do we have to help us get through this crisis?

One of the most difficult times we may face in a relationship comes when our partner becomes emotionally unbalanced and cannot soothe themselves back into stability. The ensuing hours or days can be draining, upsetting and extremely difficult. A partner who has this pattern may be unpredictable in daily life causing much stress and tension. Unpredictability creates a feeling of walking on egg shells and the need by others to be hyper-vigilant in an attempt to avoid potentially triggering an emotional melt down.

Why is it that some people can effectively calm themselves in short order, while others may take hours or even days to regain balance? When we are small children we do not have the capacity to self soothe. We depend on our caretakers to lull us back into balance when we have become upset. They may cuddle us, coo at us, talk gently to us or simply smile at us. We respond by emulating their emotional stability. We imprint their model for handling stress onto our lives and make it our own.

What happens when our caretakers are unable to handle the stress in their lives... when they do not have the capacity to bring themselves back into balance? A caretaker who is in turmoil may not have the presence of mind to realize that their inability to interact appropriately with their environment is being imprinted on their children. If we grew up in a home with drama, tension, hostility and anger, it is likely that we may be unable to moderate our emotions. We may, as children, have never seen emotional balance exemplified and therefore have no experience with appropriate reactions. When we became emotionally upset, there may have been no one who was centered to soothe us back into balance. Now as adults, we are unlikely to be able to bring ourselves back into balance after emotional upset. We may have relied upon external regulators to accomplish this for us with unhappy results.

If our partner is one who may not be able to regain their emotional balance easily, we must practice self care at those difficult times. One of our most effective tools is to take ourselves out of the equation. We recognize that our partner is having an emotional melt down. We realize that we cannot stop the process, nor are we responsible for our partners inability to process their feelings in an appropriate manner. There is nothing we can do to help our partner.

We can take care of ourselves. We lovingly excuse ourselves from the situation. We can take a walk, go for a drive, enjoy a hot bath, get a latte, visit a friend or just run an errand. Getting ourselves out of the situation and away from the tension for even a half hour can be enough to regain our center and perspective. We will need all our empathy to get through the next few hours. We may wish to focus on how grateful we are that we can moderate our own emotional response, and how unfortunate it is that our partner must suffer so greatly.

Once we have regained our composure and feel calm we can make an informed decision about our next action. If our partner has a pattern that takes many hours or days, we may wish to take in a movie, do some shopping, visit a museum or just spend time with friends. We allow ourselves to enjoy our time and give our partner the space to deal with their feelings. We can let our partner know that we will be available when they have regained focus and wish to once again to be part of our social circle.

It may be tempting to become enraged at our partner when this pattern repeats itself in our daily lives. We may begin to feel that precious time is being wasted. We must recall that we are in charge of how we use our time. We have the choice in each moment of what we do next. If we practice self care and allow ourselves to feel pleasure and joy despite our partners situation, we will use our time productively and increase our self esteem.

Although we may feel we are abandoning our partner at a critical time, we are in reality doing them a great service. We are telling them through our actions that they are valued and loved, that we have confidence that they are competent to handle their situation without assistance and return to us a calmer more centered person. In this way we allow our partner to build their self esteem as they learn to manage their emotions in a productive way, without having us present as a distraction or pathway for blame. At the same time we give ourselves the gift of time... time to enjoy our daily lives and pursue our own interests and pleasures.

Shame

Shame... guilt... two concepts that get confused when talking about our feelings. What is the difference between shame and guilt? Guilt is the result when our actions don't match our values. When we do something that goes against our belief system, our inner voice tells us that we have breached our own boundaries. We feel guilt as a result of that action, often coupled with regret. These feelings are a warning to us, a red light, that tells us that our actions are not acceptable to ourselves. They may be an indicator of impending danger or consequences. Guilt, when earned, is a healthy reminder by our conscience to more closely monitor our own behavior. Guilt says, "What I have done is not okay." It is a judgement of our actions.

Shame says, "I am not okay." It is a judgement of us. Shame arises when we have suffered grave humiliation at the hands of another. We may not recognize that we have been shamed. We may have been too small when the incident occurred to understand the underlying message, but the message got through and we feel that we are not good enough. It can happen when a teacher calls upon a student in class who is day dreaming and doesn't know the question, let alone the answer. The teacher's cutting remark can wound that student leaving him/her feeling shamed. It can happen when a parent is having a bad day and shrieks at a child to just leave them alone.

The scars from shame are deep wounds that become triggers later in life and leave us emotionally unavailable. That wounded child in school may feel inadequate in all aspects of learning regardless of achievements. The scolded child may be unable to tolerate others anger as an adult. Shame fuels the demon, low self esteem, leading to insecurities and defense mechanisms designed to keep others at a distance.

When we are triggered as shamed adults, we react with the passion from the initial wound. We are unable to remain emotionally in the present. We cannot differentiate between that which happened long ago and that which is happening in the now. As a result of this, we can severely damage current relationships. Our inability to distinguish past events from the present causes our partners to collapse under the weight of our reactions to our triggers. We owe it to our partners to pursue recovery from shame. Learning to use our tools to empower us to overcome the prison of triggers will enhance our daily lives. We will overcome our shame, increase our self esteem, minimize our insecurities and be able to lessen our use of defense mechanisms. We do this to give ourselves the gift of emotional availability.

Emotional Flashbacks

Visualize the following: You're out to dinner with your partner. The ambiance is warm and inviting, the food is delicious, the company charming. The meal ends and you both walk out of the restaurant arm in arm, laughing and talking. Abruptly the conversation changes and you find yourself in the midst of an argument. What happened?

When we enter into relationships we don't arrive empty handed. We bring to the table both expectations and baggage. Expectations come to us during our childhood. We observe the interactions of our family of origin. We watch as our caretakers address conflict and resolution in their relationship. We watch as our siblings react to one another. If our family of origin is dysfunctional, they may not interact appropriately with each other or their environment. We may be too young to understand that we are being given misinformation about personal interactions.

As we become older and widen our field of interpersonal relationships, we learn through experience how those outside our family of origin behave. We may not initially understand the differences between these two groups and may suffer emotional distress as a result of our lack of experience. Over many years we may accumulate a collection of wounds due to our inability to properly decipher our environment. As time passes some of the deeper wounds may become triggers, areas where we are especially sensitive and harbor strong feelings of shame or fear. Triggers bring back old emotionally charged feelings from past suffering, making it difficult for us to interpret today's actions appropriately. We may feel as if a new person is perpetrating the same deed as has happened before. This is what we term, baggage.

How do we cope in a new relationship when we have both expectations and baggage? We must become aware of ourselves. We must decide to investigate our inner being, to look into our motivations and examine our beliefs. This takes time and effort. We embark on this journey to give ourselves the gift of knowledge... knowledge of ourselves. We uncover our fears and shame and look at them squarely without self deception. When we do this, we enable ourselves to accept our inner being as we are, with all our flaws and defense mechanisms. Through using our tools and practicing self care along this journey, we give ourselves the gift of acceptance.