Spring Blooms Bring Sniffles & Sneezes

Allergy season is upon us. How can we cope with the runny nose, watery eyes, sore throat and persistent cough?

If you have ever seen a photo of pollen under a microscope you may have recognized the shape. Some pollen grains look much like a chestnut in its hull. The exterior of the pollen grain is covered with spikes. Those spikes give the pollen the ability to stick to bees or birds, get caught by wind and blown through the air to pollinate other flowers - and, by the way, stick in your nose.

Pollen causes a histamine response (allergies) within the body. That is how the body protects itself from invasion. Not all foreign bodies that enter a human body are as innocuous as pollen. Some are much worse, like the H1N1 virus (Swine Flu). The histamine response allows the body to produce cells that attack and eliminate the source of the invasion. Depending on how much of a response we have determines our level of allergy.

Quercitin is a compound known as a flavinoid. It is a naturally occurring substance found in foods that humans consume without side effect on a continuous basis. Quercitin has been shown effective in diminishing the allergic response. Taken on a continuous basis throughout the year Quercitin may help allergy sufferers by lessening symptoms. For those of us with severe allergies, Quercitin alone may be insufficient and a visit to an allergist may be in order. But for minor symptoms, Quercitin may provide sufficient relief to allow the spring blooms to once again be an enjoyment rather than a source of the sniffles.

Tools, Glorious Tools - Part Two

In our recovery process we practice patience and manage our expectations. We keep in mind that habits developed over many years may take much time to unlearn. We expect to make mistakes, to backslide, to feel regret when we repeat old patterns of behavior that no longer function for our benefit.

We employ many tools in our daily lives to help us cope with the changes we are making in ourselves and the responses we are cultivating to take the place of our old defense mechanisms. We learn that defense mechanisms are automatic and that we have been employing them without even realizing it. This is the core of how we protected ourselves during our childhood. We have relied on these defenses for a long time. Giving them up creates a void. We fill that void with healthy behavior by using our tools.

In working to change this pattern we strive to become more aware of ourselves and our feelings. We may feel overwhelmed initially by the surge of strong emotions and the feelings that follow. It may take time for us to be able to put words to our feelings if we have been reacting on auto pilot for a lengthy period of time. We allow ourselves to begin to experience all our emotions. This can create much discomfort. We will adjust to the newness of it over time. In the interim we use several tools to help us cope.

We learn deep breathing. When we are tense we tend to breathe in a less effective manner. We breathe with our upper chest and take short, quick, shallow breaths. When we focus on our breathing we take longer, slower, deeper breaths that inflate our abdomen and pull air all the way down to the lower part of our lungs. This allows more oxygen into our blood stream and aids in relaxation. We breathe in through our noses, hold briefly for a count of five, then out through our mouths. As we repeat this process we feel a sense of relaxation flow through ourselves. We are adding vital oxygen to our bodies that have been depleted through stress.

Journaling is an important tool in our tool bag. We write out our feelings, thoughts and opinions about present circumstances and persons in our lives. We may include related memories that have caused us pain in the past, recalled as a result of a particular event. This gives us an outlet for our emotions as well as a way to experience more clarity with regard to our feelings. We may be new at processing our emotions. Journaling gives us an edge. We have our journal entries available for review as we progress through recovery. We can look back at a snapshot of ourselves and see our growth.

Having patience with ourselves, managing our expectations of our progress, allowing ourselves to feel our emotions, deep breathing and journaling… these initial tools help us develop increased self esteem as we use them in our daily lives. We give ourselves the gift of recovery as we practice using our tools to gain emotional balance.

The Price: Consequences and Reality

Dear Followers -

I normally don't do what I am going to do today. But I feel that there is a great deal of information here that may allow us all to learn. Communication is so vital in relationships that it cannot be overstated. Denial can be so complete that we don't see our actions clearly until after the damage has been done.

I participate on other forums and blogs. One of those is a place where people suffering the pain of divorce can go and receive help from a variety of professionals, as well as support from other members.

A divorced participant posted a blog regarding her relationship with a man whom she knew was married. Over time, she convinced herself that his marriage was an emotionally empty affair. She decided to go to visit the wife to see for herself if it was as she believed. She expected to find a cold uncaring woman who no longer loved or valued her husband or family. Instead she found a woman who had been unable to participated in sexual activity due to illness who still loved her husband deeply, but was aware that he had been having multiple affairs since her incapacitation. She had accepted his activities but clearly had been wounded by them. The following day the participant posted her surprised and shocked reaction to the deep sadness she saw in the wife's eyes. She felt badly and didn't understand her own response to the wife's pain. Most of the participants on the forum were shocked and outraged by her posts. Many were hurt, being reminded of how callus their own spouses had been through their divorces. They posted their feelings in great detail. After reading through her posts and the responses I posted the following (name removed for anonymity).

"Dear "X" - I feel very sad for you. I counsel people who have suffered relationship trauma every day. I believe that you have not internalized the pain you suffered through your own divorce and made it a part of your inner self. This might explain why you would cause another person such deep pain. You might be aware that the person who was incested as a child may become the child molester as an adult. People who are hurt, hurt others as a way to try to relieve their pain. The answer for you may be to incorporate your own past into your inner self. Your posts talk of religion, but not spirituality. There is a great difference. You are adept at rationalization, but when faced with the consequences of your own actions you feel frightened and guilty. I believe there is a deep unmet need within you to feel that you are special and unique. I would guess that you felt a great wound to your psyche following the events that lead to your divorce. Divorce causes people to lose a great deal of their self esteem. Once it is lost it takes time and effort to regain. If we don't do the work to repair our self esteem, we can become persecutors who are trying to escape our pain through inflicting pain onto others. I would guess that you wrote on this forum for exactly those reasons. You must have realized that these folks would be devastated by your remarks. Now that you are faced with the truth of your situation, maybe you will find the inner strength to seek counseling and heal your inner self. You need to regain your self esteem so that you don't repeat this pattern in your life, sentencing yourself to a lonely life of never being truly intimate or important to anyone. Read over some of my blogs. Maybe you will find some help. I hope that you find yourself again."

We all have been in painful relationships at some point in our lives. The process of grieving and healing is imperative. We never want to be the one passing our pain onto others, whether intentionally or otherwise. Unlike "X", who passed her pain onto another wife, many of us take our pain along with us, like a suitcase, and dump it on our next partner. Using our tools, learning to communicate effectively, balanced compromise and self care are all keys to keeping our relationship healthy and well fed.

Let us all remember the lessons of "X" so that we do not repeat them in our lives.

Communication

Why is it that so often in relationships we have confusion between partners? How can we improve our time together? The one answer is communication. Although we both speak the same language, be it English or another, the meaning we assign to the words may differ according to our family of origin and culture. We may say the same words, but mean very different things by them. The result of this truth is that partners may believe that they are understood, when in fact their meaning has not actually been grasped. The outcome of this confusion is often an argument. Partners can feel any range of feelings: misunderstood, ignored, used, frustrated, angry, shamed or shocked by the response they receive.

How can we make ourselves understood? We can improve communication by learning some basic tools. We make a commitment to listen to our partner until they are finished with their thought, without forming a response. We allow ourselves to absorb what is being said to us completely. We can always take a moment to process what has been said when our partner has finished. We respond by using "I" statements. We focus on ourselves and our response to the situation as well as our feelings, while allowing our partner to have their response and feelings as well. By validating our partners feelings, we give them the gift of being heard. We cannot control what they think and feel. We let them know that they are entitled to have their feelings without restriction or shame. Once our partner feels truly heard, they may be more open to hearing us.

If we have not succeeded in clearing up the confusion with this tool we have others at our disposal. We can use "dialogue" as a communication enhancement. We listen to our partner fully, then restate what has been said in our own words. Our partner then tells us if we have understood completely. If we have not, they make further clarifications and we try again. Finally we will fully understand what has been said, along with all the underlying meaning. This process may feel awkward at first, but produces results. And isn't that is what we are after?