Listening To Our Gut

Loss of faith in our ability to discern is one of the many areas we must grieve as we recover from the trauma of the ending of a relationship.

Yes, we can initially believe that we were deceived... but eventually we will recognize that we also played a part in the deception. We stopped practicing self care. We neglected our own gut reactions for so long that we lost touch with that inner voice... the one that tells us when something isn't quite right... long before the relationship with the partner began.

We learned our habit of ignoring the elephant in the room when we were kids in our family of origin. Then, when we went out looking for a mate, we took our dysfunctional self on the road. We may very well have been deceived... but we picked the deceiver because we learned to turn off our early warning system as kids.

When we begin to practice self care and discernment... learning to trust those who are actually trustworthy... we will restore our broken picker a little at a time. We didn't become broken overnight... we won't heal overnight.

Patience... it takes a long time to rebuild trust in ourselves... in our ability to discern when we are being fooled. We have to learn to trust our gut again... to get back in touch with our body and listen to it's signals. Most of life's communication (over 80%) is non verbal... our gut reads that language fluently.

Listen to it!

Make NOW the Most Precious Time

Cover of The Precious Present

I read a story a while back called The Precious Present. When I picked up the book in the store I thought it was a Christmas story. It was around that time. It caught my attention so I began to read. I do that often... read in the book store... I was drawn in by the story and it was fast reading so I sat down with the book.

About thirty minutes went by and suddenly I came to the end. It was not at all a Christmas story. I recall sitting very still in that moment and realizing that I had never actually noticed the passage of time in quite the same way. The message of the book was astounding... and I realized for the first time in my life that the most precious commodity I had was time.

Those thirty minutes changed by perception permanently. I had a new goal... a new view of what mattered to me.

Later on that evening I was watching television... a drama that I enjoyed and one of the characters said, "Make now the most precious time. Now will never come again." I was stunned. I was getting the message again.

The next day I was chatting with several other folks and someone said, "If one is using one's time fretting about the past or worrying about the future, no energy is left for the present." Again... the same message. This was more than mere coincidence.

This time I gave the concept serious thought. Was I wasting my energies fretting over the past? I thought I had moved on from that place... had I some remaining strings still holding me captive? What about the future? Was I worrying about outcomes... not having faith in the path my Higher Power had placed before me? Was I trying to exert control where I had none?

The answers eluded me but I made a decision to redouble my efforts at letting go. I would work harder on my recovery... make every moment count. Suddenly I burst out laughing. That was exactly the message... living the moment... making each moment count... not working harder at recovery or letting go, but actually being present... emotionally and spiritually present in each wonderful moment.

I realized that if I put my energy into being fully alive in each moment that I would no longer make time available for fretting or worry. It was a choice... a choice I could make each moment of my life.

Am I Enhancing My Relationship?

What makes one relationship work while another falters? What steps can we take to preserve our partnership?

There are habits that we can create in our relationship that may help us feel more connected with one another. These are simple choices we make each day that can make the difference between happiness and emptiness.

Going to bed at the same time each night where possible gives partners the chance to snuggle and reconnect in a physical way after a long day of being apart. Our skin responds to touch by releasing chemicals that help us relax. Snuggling may help us fall asleep more easily and feel connected in a positive way.

Having shared interests is important for us to flourish in a partnership. We bring ourselves to the relationship as a gift. If the gift we bring is filled with interests and fun we add a great deal of positive energy to our relationship. Cultivating our own lives as well as common interests is paramount to a healthy balanced partnership.

Letting our partner know that we are proud to be seen with them is vital. We show our pride in our relationship by encouraging touch when we are with others. We may hold hands, or rest our arm in theirs. We may walk with fingers entwined or lean against one another while sitting. All these gestures allow our partner to feel the sense of pride we share in our partnership.

Assume the best. When we are in a committed relationship we are bound to make mistakes as is our partner. When we begin by assuming the best we are giving our partner the benefit of the doubt. We allow ourselves to make our first priority trust and faith in our partner, that they did not intend to cause harm. If harm was caused, we display forgiveness as we would want to be forgiven when we falter.

The old saying, accentuate the positive... eliminate the negative... applies well in relationships. We tend to see the glass as either half full or half empty. If we have learned to see the world through an optimistic view we are more likely to have positive outcomes. We learn to overlook the tiny annoyances that all relationships endure and focus on the areas we enjoy in our partner. We too have annoying attributes and wish our irritations to be overlooked.

Make it a habit to check in with one another during the day. We offer our partner support, love, encouragement and allow ourselves to get a glimpse of how our partners day is progressing. This is an invaluable tool in assessing how our partner may be feeling later on in the evening. If we are aware of the stresses they have dealt with during the day we can be more prepared for their energy level later on and adjust our expectations accordingly.

Make your first encounter after a long absence, such as a day at work, positive. A smile and hug or kiss at first reunion paves the way for positive feelings they may last well into the remainder of the day. Showing our partner how pleased we are to see them again is well worth the effort.

Parents, Step Parents and Children's Needs

Children need two parents in their lives, whether they are married to one another or not. They also need stability and routine to help them feel grounded, keep their world orderly and allow them to feel safe. There is much psychological evidence to support those facts. Some parents may forget at times that our children are developing and have different needs than we do as adults.

Step parents often have a difficult time adjusting to the fact that their role is limited. They may want to impress their new partner with their ability to handle the kids, or make a new home, or make their new partner feel like they are a family. None of this is relevant because none of it is actually about what is best for the kids.

Step parents do have a role, which is best described as making a safe place for kids to live or visit (whichever is appropriate), and being a support to the rules set down by the biological parents. If the step parent and the biological parents can work out at way to effectively cooperate this is actually the best situation for the kids. In that case there is little friction and the kids needs are put first. Many times, however, this does not happen and parents must choose how to manage their personal lives and their children's lives effectively.

Children's lives need routine, stability, safety and certainty. They need to know that both Mom and Dad still love them and will make time with them a priority. They need to see their biological parent alone some of the time to feel valued and important. Parents also need time to be adults and bond with their new partner. It may not be appropriate for parents to share time with their new partner when the kids are present soon after a split.

Studies have shown that kids should be given time to grieve the loss of the family unit without being expected to form any new bonds. This can take time - each child is different, but up to two years or more can be needed for some children. Even then, the introduction of a new partner for a parent is wrenching for a child because it underlines the fact that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together - the dream for which the child secretly hopes.

Parents are not expected to put their adult lives on hold for their children indefinitely, however, it is reasonable for parents to keep their adult lives separate from the lives they lead with their children for as long as possible to give their children a chance to heal. Remember, children have no say in divorce, they cannot get what they really want... Mom and Dad back together again in a happy family. Since they can't get what they want, is it really so hard for us adults to give them the time to heal from their grief by giving them what they need? Security, safety, stability, boundaries, love, attention and the feeling of being valued as a person.

Children will make relationships with their step parents in their own time and in their own way. They only have one set of biological parents in their lives, but they have the opportunity to be loved by many more people as time passes. No one will ever be Mom or Dad but Mom and Dad in a child's heart... period. But that doesn't mean that step parents can't be loved and valued for their ability to be a trusted friend or companion.

Making roles an issue over which to fight is a waste of time. No one will take the place of Mom or Dad in any child's heart. How many times have counselors watched an adult in their 60's sob as they talk about the love the wished they could have received from a deceased parent...

Let us have faith in ourselves and our relationship with our children. They need us and want us in their lives. They love us with all their hearts. Let us be there for them. Let us give them the love we were denied as a child. Let us give them what we were never able to receive. Let us be the one to break the chain of pain.

We are all well loved. Let's share that gift with our kids.

FEAR: The Controlling Arm Within the Puppet

Image by stuant63 via Flickr

How do fears manifest themselves in our daily lives? How do these fears come to be a part of us? It is possible that we are unaware of how our fears affect our behavior?

We have been involved with our partner for a few months. We feel strong surges of emotion for our new partner. All is proceeding well, or so it seems. In the back of our mind, however, we have a nagging fear that our partner is being unfaithful. There have been no indicators to lead us to believe that this is happening and we have no external reason to feel this way, but we just can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. We try to dodge the feelings and ignore them, telling ourself that it is all in our head.

Time passes and our attachment to our partner increases. We feel even more strongly about them than before. However, the sense that we are being duped increases. Our emotions are screaming at us that we are being had, that our partner is being unfaithful.

We can no longer ignore our feelings and begin to query our partner. At first we ask gently if they are happy with us, if there is anyone else in the picture. When we receive the assurance we seek we feel calmed. But the feeling doesn't last. After a few days we again feel the agitation and repeat our query. This time the assurance is followed with a request for an explanation. We are caught off guard and don't know how to respond. We try to make an excuse, but it is clear that we are concealing our true intent. We feel no better this time and begin to believe even more strongly that we are being duped. Our mind reels with the endless possibilities. We are plagued with thoughts we cannot bear.

Over time we try to avoid asking for further reassurances but cannot do so. Our partner becomes irritated with our lack of faith and begins to pull away emotionally. We feel the loss, adding fuel to the fire in our head. Our emotions spin out of control. We cannot tolerate our thoughts or feelings. Soon our partner tires of the endless questions and lack of trust and leaves the relationship. Our beliefs are confirmed. We were wrong to even begin to trust our partner in the first place.

What has happened to us? We have been plagued by fear. We entered into the relationship with the fear that we would be betrayed. In the process we caused the exact thing we feared. It happened as a result of our behavior. Because we had been hurt this way in a prior relationship and we did not allow ourselves to heal from that hurt, we carried it into our next relationship. We did not practice self care and did not allow ourselves the time to heal our wounds. We plunged into another relationship headlong without thinking of the consequences to ourselves. In the process, we set ourselves up to be hurt once again. Although we may initially believe that our partner was unfaithful, eventually we realize what has actually transpired. We chased our partner away.

We allowed our fear to run our life and direct our behavior. We felt powerless over our emotions and let them run rampant, causing havoc in our relationship. As a result of our display, our partner eventually tired of the drama and left the relationship. We created that which we feared. Or to look at it another way, our fear manifested itself in our lives through our behavior.

The importance of this point cannot be stressed enough. If we follow the logic through we can see how fear may manifest itself in other areas of our lives. Our fear of losing money may encourage unstable spending habits, causing us to fall into debt. We may fear gaining weight, thereby increasing our stress level to the point that we eat the wrong foods or eat to relax. Our fear of abandonment may lead us to cling to those we love, causing them to feel suffocated and in the process push them away.

When we enter into recovery we face our fears, acknowledge that they exist and are a part of who we are. We integrate them into our sense of self and allow ourselves the time and space to heal the old wounds that created the fears. We practice self care, work on increasing our self esteem and realize that our fears served us well at one time, but we no longer need them to protect us. We are capable of protecting ourselves. We use our tools and give ourselves the benefit of the doubt as we progress in our recovery, knowing that we will fall from time to time. That's okay. Perfection is not the goal.

Recovery In Five Short Chapters

[Recovery in Five Short Chapters is adapted from the original by Anonymous]

Chapter One -
I walk down the street. Suddenly, without warning, I fall into a hole. It is huge, dark, and frightening. I am scared. I fumble around in the dark trying to find my way out. I feel nothing out there. I can see nothing. I am lost. Terror overcomes me in the darkness. I want to curl up in a ball and hide. Somehow I begin to try to find my way out. It seems to take forever, but eventually I begin to feel the edge of the hole and I can follow the walls in the dark. After what seems like an eternity I can see the light in the distance. I follow it and climb out. I am exhausted, shaken to my core. I continue on my journey.

Chapter Two -
It is the next day. I walk down the same street. I know the hole is out there... somewhere. I am frightened. I fall in again. It is huge, dark and scary. I feel lost. I know there is a way out, but I cannot find it. I begin to feel terror in the darkness. Somewhere in my mind I remember there is a way out. It takes a long time, but eventually I reach the edge of the hole and feel my way along the walls in the darkness. After a very long time I begin to see the light and I climb out. Again I am exhausted. I continue on my journey.

Chapter Three -
It is the next day. I walk down the same street. I see the hole. It is up ahead. I know it is there and that I will fall into it. I feel uneasy. It is familiar in a scary way. I really don't want to fall in, but I can't help myself. It is still dark and very big. I recall that there is a way out and begin to reach for the walls at the edge of the hole. I find them more quickly than before. Soon I see the light and am able to climb out. I feel spent, but understand what has happened. I continue on my journey.

Chapter Four -
It is the next day. I walk down the same street. I see the hole. It is up ahead and it is huge. It stretches across almost the whole street. I see a path around the edge that has been walked by many others before me. It is narrow and there are places where I might fall into the hole but I decide to try. I walk around the hole!! I am exhilarated!! I continue on my journey.

Chapter Five -
It is the next day. I walk down a different street!!

The journey of recovery begins with the recognition that we are falling into the same hole over and over again. We can choose to walk down a different street. Make the choice. The path is clearly marked. Let your Higher Power guide you along placing one foot in front of another in faith.