Many times a man who is deep in thought may say they are 'fine' in response to their partners query when their body language clearly says otherwise. How do we respond to this dichotomy?
We ultimately call this type of response mixed messages. It can be confusing to a partner who sees one thing (body language) and is told another (verbal message). Although he is technically being dishonest, there are times in relationships when one partner is lost in thought, not focused on the news, processing the events of the day. He may be processing an issue and not be clear enough in his mind to be able to discuss it yet. It may not even be related to his partner.
Many men and women process very differently. Women often process through talk and sharing (outward) whereas men often process through thought and reflection (inward). Many times women attempt closeness and reconnection after being apart from their partners by talking and sharing about their day. They may feel the need to reconnect even more strongly during times when men are distracted by TV or the newspaper. Men, on the other hand, do not reconnect in this same way, thus his answer of "fine" may be his way of getting some mental space to work through the processing of his day. He may not feel it is important to talk about it, not realizing that his partner may feel disconnected by his response.
Women may feel disconnected from their men when partners return to one another after their day and have opposing needs. Men may need to relax and have down time...time to process their day within themselves. Women may need to talk and reconnect. They need to process their day by sharing it with their man. This dichotomy may cause many problems when couples don't realize why they feel differently and misinterpret their partners actions.
Someone asking, "What's the matter?" to a display of body language that says closed (crossed arms) and thinking (wiggling foot) seems to be modeling behavior that says, "I care about you and want to know if you are upset about something." However, the recipient may feel reluctant to discuss a problem or issue that has not been fully thought through, not wanting to seem indecisive or unable to come to a conclusion on their own.
Thus we have a dilemma. If we are able to realize that we are different from our partner we can use our tools to practice self care while we allow our partner to process their day in their own manner. If we need to talk while our partner needs to introspect, we can either wait until he is ready or we can call a friend to chat. If we need to introspect while our partner needs to talk, we can either choose to wait to process our day or ask her to give us some time to relax first. As long as we choose to communicate effectively and respect each others differing needs, we can overcome these obstacles to connection and resume our intimacy without conflict.
Using our tools keeps us grounded in our needs and allows us to recognize that it is our differences that make each of us unique individuals. We can respect each other within the relationship while still being able to meet each others needs when we bend to compromise. In this way we both eventually have the chance to relax and reconnect leading to healthier relating and intimacy.
We practice our tools in our daily lives giving ourselves the gift of self care. In this way we increase the mutual respect in our relationship and allow our partner the freedom to practice self care as well.
Showing posts with label verbal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label verbal. Show all posts
Friday, June 5, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Why Can't I Be Understood?
Why is it that my partner and I can use the same words and still not get the correct message?
When we communicate we are sending a message based not only on our verbal language, but on what the words in our language mean to us. We develop the meaning of those words in our family of origin. When each of us is young we learn spoken language from our caretakers. As they speak we listen and grasp the intended, as well as the inferred meaning from their use of language. Not only do we learn the apparent meaning of words, but we learn the underlying meaning implied by tone of voice and posture when the words are spoken.
When caretakers talk among themselves, they may use words that have multiple meanings. A word such as touchy can mean excessive handling of an object, over reacting to an action or statement or even tender qualities when used in combination with the word feely in slang. Depending on the tone of voice, the facial expression and the context of the remark, we learn as small children how and when to use such a word. These early lessons are unique to each of us. Siblings may have similar language usage and understanding, but their lingo is not exactly alike.
When we communicate with out partner we may easily forget that we don't share the same early life lessons and have not come from the same family of origin. We make a statement and have trouble being understood, as we may make a host of assumptions regarding what the phrase means to us, that don't apply to our partner. If we are to be understood we need to be as clear as possible in our discourse. We try to explain not only what is apparent in our usage of language, but what is not apparent, our lingo. Over time as we come to know one another better and learn more about each other's families of origin, we begin to share one another's lingo and clarity becomes easier to reach.
This is especially true for partners from varying cultures where language and customs may be vastly different. It is important to share not only the pleasures of our similarities, but also the gift of learning from our differences.
When we begin to truly understand one another the facade of fear slips away showing us that we are truly all the same species, human beings. In beginning to understand one anothers lingo we add to the possibility that one day humanity will come to realize that most of us are ordinary citizens who wish to live in peace with all of the world.
When we communicate we are sending a message based not only on our verbal language, but on what the words in our language mean to us. We develop the meaning of those words in our family of origin. When each of us is young we learn spoken language from our caretakers. As they speak we listen and grasp the intended, as well as the inferred meaning from their use of language. Not only do we learn the apparent meaning of words, but we learn the underlying meaning implied by tone of voice and posture when the words are spoken.
When caretakers talk among themselves, they may use words that have multiple meanings. A word such as touchy can mean excessive handling of an object, over reacting to an action or statement or even tender qualities when used in combination with the word feely in slang. Depending on the tone of voice, the facial expression and the context of the remark, we learn as small children how and when to use such a word. These early lessons are unique to each of us. Siblings may have similar language usage and understanding, but their lingo is not exactly alike.
When we communicate with out partner we may easily forget that we don't share the same early life lessons and have not come from the same family of origin. We make a statement and have trouble being understood, as we may make a host of assumptions regarding what the phrase means to us, that don't apply to our partner. If we are to be understood we need to be as clear as possible in our discourse. We try to explain not only what is apparent in our usage of language, but what is not apparent, our lingo. Over time as we come to know one another better and learn more about each other's families of origin, we begin to share one another's lingo and clarity becomes easier to reach.
This is especially true for partners from varying cultures where language and customs may be vastly different. It is important to share not only the pleasures of our similarities, but also the gift of learning from our differences.
When we begin to truly understand one another the facade of fear slips away showing us that we are truly all the same species, human beings. In beginning to understand one anothers lingo we add to the possibility that one day humanity will come to realize that most of us are ordinary citizens who wish to live in peace with all of the world.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Confusion Meta-Communication and Mixed Messages
What does the term meta-communication mean? How do meta-messages effect our ability to decipher the information we receive?
Meta is a term from the Greek meaning with, or underneath. In meta-communication, we refer to the additional cues that accompany verbalization in the form of body language, facial expressions and sounds. When we are irritated with our partner we may roll our eyes, sigh, slam doors, tap our foot or purse our lips. When we are pleased with our partner we may smile, leave our arms open or hug. These are all obvious forms of meta-communication. They send meta-messages that speak volumes about our emotions.
In our daily lives we read meta-communication constantly. It comes at us at a furious pace. Most meta-communication is absorbed on a sub conscious level without our ever realizing it. We consciously acknowledge our partner's pleasure in seeing us when they smile upon our arrival, but the additional signals we absorb tell us much more than pleasure. We can sense other emotions as well from their stance, hand use, eye contact, facial expressions and other body language.
When we talk with someone we receive a continuous flow of signals from them regarding how they feel about what they are saying. There are times when we sense that the meta-messages we receive clash with what we are being told. We call these mixed messages. We may be hearing one thing, but our partner's underlying emotions are sending their own meta-messages. Since the two disagree we feel peculiar about what we experience. We might not be able to verbalize what we feel, but something just isn't right. We feel the difference between the verbal communication and the meta-communication and label it a gut feeling.
The way we interpret meta-messages varies based on our own view. Since we are left without direct verbalization, we fill in the blanks ourselves. This creates even more confusion. If we have unresolved issues they can effect what we believe regarding this dichotomy.
An example: One partner decides to visit an auto supply store on the way home from the office in order to pick up parts for the car. Fixing up the car is a hobby enjoyed during free time. When the usual time has passed without a call informing of a late arrival, a worried partner begins to assume that something has gone awry. Thoughts swirl around events from past relationships. Tensions mount. When the two are finally together, accusations fly. One accuses the other of being inconsiderate and not calling to advise of a late arrival. The other accuses of being unable to have time to pursue hobbies and interests. Neither of the partners are revealing the underlying truth.
One partner has fears associated with past relationships where monogamy was not reciprocated. The other has fears associated with a controlling parent who didn't permit free time and expected adult levels of responsibility during childhood. The meta-messages clarify what is not being said in the conversation. One partner could have called on the way from the office to advise of a late arrival. Due to fears of being controlled and not permitted time to pursue hobbies as a child, the call was not made. The other partner made assumptions about behavior based on past wounds that were not applicable to the current relationship.
This argument might have been averted if the underlying truth had been spoken by both parties. Instead of angry accusing words regarding inconsiderate time use, shared fears related to past wounds might have allowed an offer of comfort and reassurance. Instead of justifications regarding behavior meant to avoid being controlled, open discussion might have produced a chance for a realization that hobbies and interests were actually supported.
The meta-communication reveals that these two partners are verbalizing only part of their needs. The underlying messages which effect their thinking patterns are sent in non-verbal ways: angry looks, distancing behaviors, curt responses, tense voices, slammed doors and distrustful glances. Both partners feel the dichotomy in their tensed gut.
Meta-communication allows us to experience the underlying message that may not be shared. We learn to trust our gut feelings realizing that we and our partners are not always aware of the motivation behind our actions. We can increase our understanding of our partner through this realization. As we continue to use our tools for self care in our daily lives, we increase our awareness of our own communication and the meta-messages we send and receive. As we practice self care we increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of effective communication.
Meta is a term from the Greek meaning with, or underneath. In meta-communication, we refer to the additional cues that accompany verbalization in the form of body language, facial expressions and sounds. When we are irritated with our partner we may roll our eyes, sigh, slam doors, tap our foot or purse our lips. When we are pleased with our partner we may smile, leave our arms open or hug. These are all obvious forms of meta-communication. They send meta-messages that speak volumes about our emotions.
In our daily lives we read meta-communication constantly. It comes at us at a furious pace. Most meta-communication is absorbed on a sub conscious level without our ever realizing it. We consciously acknowledge our partner's pleasure in seeing us when they smile upon our arrival, but the additional signals we absorb tell us much more than pleasure. We can sense other emotions as well from their stance, hand use, eye contact, facial expressions and other body language.
When we talk with someone we receive a continuous flow of signals from them regarding how they feel about what they are saying. There are times when we sense that the meta-messages we receive clash with what we are being told. We call these mixed messages. We may be hearing one thing, but our partner's underlying emotions are sending their own meta-messages. Since the two disagree we feel peculiar about what we experience. We might not be able to verbalize what we feel, but something just isn't right. We feel the difference between the verbal communication and the meta-communication and label it a gut feeling.
The way we interpret meta-messages varies based on our own view. Since we are left without direct verbalization, we fill in the blanks ourselves. This creates even more confusion. If we have unresolved issues they can effect what we believe regarding this dichotomy.
An example: One partner decides to visit an auto supply store on the way home from the office in order to pick up parts for the car. Fixing up the car is a hobby enjoyed during free time. When the usual time has passed without a call informing of a late arrival, a worried partner begins to assume that something has gone awry. Thoughts swirl around events from past relationships. Tensions mount. When the two are finally together, accusations fly. One accuses the other of being inconsiderate and not calling to advise of a late arrival. The other accuses of being unable to have time to pursue hobbies and interests. Neither of the partners are revealing the underlying truth.
One partner has fears associated with past relationships where monogamy was not reciprocated. The other has fears associated with a controlling parent who didn't permit free time and expected adult levels of responsibility during childhood. The meta-messages clarify what is not being said in the conversation. One partner could have called on the way from the office to advise of a late arrival. Due to fears of being controlled and not permitted time to pursue hobbies as a child, the call was not made. The other partner made assumptions about behavior based on past wounds that were not applicable to the current relationship.
This argument might have been averted if the underlying truth had been spoken by both parties. Instead of angry accusing words regarding inconsiderate time use, shared fears related to past wounds might have allowed an offer of comfort and reassurance. Instead of justifications regarding behavior meant to avoid being controlled, open discussion might have produced a chance for a realization that hobbies and interests were actually supported.
The meta-communication reveals that these two partners are verbalizing only part of their needs. The underlying messages which effect their thinking patterns are sent in non-verbal ways: angry looks, distancing behaviors, curt responses, tense voices, slammed doors and distrustful glances. Both partners feel the dichotomy in their tensed gut.
Meta-communication allows us to experience the underlying message that may not be shared. We learn to trust our gut feelings realizing that we and our partners are not always aware of the motivation behind our actions. We can increase our understanding of our partner through this realization. As we continue to use our tools for self care in our daily lives, we increase our awareness of our own communication and the meta-messages we send and receive. As we practice self care we increase our self esteem. In this way we give ourselves the gift of effective communication.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Trust
During our daily lives we encounter many situations that require us to choose one path or another. We assess our surroundings. We sift through our past experiences in order to glean information that may assist us in making our choice. We ask others for their input. We then take all the information we have accumulated and make our decision. We place our trust in four key areas. First, ourselves and our ability to accurately view our situation. Next, the accuracy of our memories. Thirdly, our advisers capability to lead us. Lastly, our capacity to combine all the information we have collected into a clear view of our circumstances so as to formulate a decision.
What happens when this healthy pattern of decision making breaks down and we no longer trust our instincts? When we are young, we are incapable of processing the world around us as we do when we are adults. We rely on our caretakers to alert us to unsafe situations by both verbal and non-verbal cues. We trust that they will keep us safe. When we live in chaos and dysfunction as children, we misinterpret the unhealthy reactions of our caretakers. We don't know that they cannot properly interpret their world and are therefore giving us misinformation. We assume that what they say and do is correct. We feel that there is a problem, but we are two feet tall and they are giants. In order to survive, we choose to believe that their assessment is correct and stop trusting our instincts.
As we proceed through life we may feel gut reactions when faced with difficult decisions. Our instincts try to lead us, but we ignore them as a result of the interactions we had with our misinformed caretakers when we were small. We fight ourselves in a stressful battle where we are unlikely to win.
How do we regain that trust in our instincts that we have lost? We must begin a step at a time. We take a small risk and trust our ability to be guided by our instincts. When we have succeeded, we take a somewhat larger risk, and so on. As we experience success, our trust level increases and we raise our self esteem. We listen to our instincts more and let ourselves be guided by our inner voice, our higher power. We use our tools to make self care a part of our daily lives. In this way we give ourselves the gift of trust.
What happens when this healthy pattern of decision making breaks down and we no longer trust our instincts? When we are young, we are incapable of processing the world around us as we do when we are adults. We rely on our caretakers to alert us to unsafe situations by both verbal and non-verbal cues. We trust that they will keep us safe. When we live in chaos and dysfunction as children, we misinterpret the unhealthy reactions of our caretakers. We don't know that they cannot properly interpret their world and are therefore giving us misinformation. We assume that what they say and do is correct. We feel that there is a problem, but we are two feet tall and they are giants. In order to survive, we choose to believe that their assessment is correct and stop trusting our instincts.
As we proceed through life we may feel gut reactions when faced with difficult decisions. Our instincts try to lead us, but we ignore them as a result of the interactions we had with our misinformed caretakers when we were small. We fight ourselves in a stressful battle where we are unlikely to win.
How do we regain that trust in our instincts that we have lost? We must begin a step at a time. We take a small risk and trust our ability to be guided by our instincts. When we have succeeded, we take a somewhat larger risk, and so on. As we experience success, our trust level increases and we raise our self esteem. We listen to our instincts more and let ourselves be guided by our inner voice, our higher power. We use our tools to make self care a part of our daily lives. In this way we give ourselves the gift of trust.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Filling in the Blanks
Communication is an art form. The words we use, our body language, whether or not we make eye contact... all these areas add up to our communication. When these areas are in conflict we send mixed messages. This causes the people around us to have trouble understanding our intentions. The words we use may have different meanings to each of us depending on our values, family of origin and life experiences. But our body language speaks for us on an unconscious level.
We may say that we are interested in talking with another, but our arms folded, our legs crossed leaning away from our companion and our body curled up in that same direction, say we do not want to communicate. We may say that our self esteem is healthy, but our reluctance to make eye contact says otherwise.
What do we do when the verbal and non verbal messages we get from another do not mesh? We use our tools. We first assess the situation. How do we feel? Are we centered, calm and open to hearing another point of view? Have we contributed to the discomfort in some way? Are we aware of some issue that may be being processed? If we are truly aware of ourselves and our part in the situation then we will know the answer to these questions. We can be honest with ourselves and trust our instincts. It may be appropriate to give our partner some time to be alone. In that moment we can give ourselves the gift of self care as we permit our partner the same privilege. Once all parties are calm and centered a discussion can take place around the area of communication. Differences can be discussed intellectually rather than emotionally. Compromises can be reached and understanding will flourish. In this way we practice our tools of self care and increase our self esteem.
We may say that we are interested in talking with another, but our arms folded, our legs crossed leaning away from our companion and our body curled up in that same direction, say we do not want to communicate. We may say that our self esteem is healthy, but our reluctance to make eye contact says otherwise.
What do we do when the verbal and non verbal messages we get from another do not mesh? We use our tools. We first assess the situation. How do we feel? Are we centered, calm and open to hearing another point of view? Have we contributed to the discomfort in some way? Are we aware of some issue that may be being processed? If we are truly aware of ourselves and our part in the situation then we will know the answer to these questions. We can be honest with ourselves and trust our instincts. It may be appropriate to give our partner some time to be alone. In that moment we can give ourselves the gift of self care as we permit our partner the same privilege. Once all parties are calm and centered a discussion can take place around the area of communication. Differences can be discussed intellectually rather than emotionally. Compromises can be reached and understanding will flourish. In this way we practice our tools of self care and increase our self esteem.
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