HELP - My Expectations Are Killing Me!!

How do we manage our expectations in a healthy way? Can our expectations cause us problems in our relationship?

Expectations can be a double edged sword. At times we gain power and insight from the expectations we have of ourselves. But what about the expectations we have of our partner? How do they affect our relationship?

If we expect our partner to fulfill our expectations we may be placing undue pressure on both our partner and our relationship. We hold the responsibility to fulfill our own expectations. When we give that power away, we lose the ability to practice self care. We give control of ourselves and our happiness over to another. When we do that we may be setting ourselves up for disappointment.

As much as our partner may wish to please us and may make every effort to act in our best interest, there will be times when their desires and ours will not overlap. If we have placed our expectations in their hands we will surely be disappointed and possibly hurt. If we have, instead, taken responsibility for our own expectations we will be assured that we remain in balance regardless of what our partner is or is not doing at the moment.

In a healthy relationships partners make every effort to be compassionate, respectful and considerate of one another. We do not feel the need to meet each others expectations as we know that we are responsible for meeting our own. In this way we assure that we remain balanced, emotionally available and connected in our lives and in our relationships.

Addiction or Dedication... Which Am I?

What is the difference between addiction and dedication? Why is one destructive and the other constructive?

Work is a healthy necessary vital part of one's life. However, there are workaholics who lose their ability to get pleasure from other parts of their lives and find comfort only in work. We migrate from acceptable to destructive in that example and from dedicated to addicted.

Pain killers are a necessity after surgery. We would be unable to tolerate the enormous pain we would suffer without them. As we heal we take less and less of the pain killers until we no longer need them. When we do not take less and less, we become addicted to them. We have again moved from acceptable to destructive.

The point of addiction arrives when the substance or activity is interfering with our ability to live our lives, enjoy healthy pleasures and interact with others in positive meaningful ways. Through abuse we can become addicted to virtually anything... diet soda, sugar, McDonalds, gambling, illicit drugs, porn, sky diving, even violence and hostility can become addicting. When a substance or activity becomes addictive it destroys our ability to remain peaceful and centered, to practice self care and enjoy our daily lives.

Constructive substances and activities enhance the quality of our lives. They may give meaning and pleasure to our routines and enhance our enjoyment. It is easy to move from constructive to destructive when we become unbalanced. When we seek to escape from the pressures of daily life in unhealthy ways we may take constructive activities or substances and allow them to become destructive.

This is the reason we participate in recovery. Through our ability to practice self care and look within at our own truths we keep ourselves in balance. We remind ourselves not to struggle against the ebb and flow of the universe and allow our higher power to guide us on our chosen path. Through recovery work we learn to practice self care and return to balance in all areas of our lives.

Leadership

I watched the President address a joint session of Congress tonight. It was inspiring to listen to him lay out his blueprint for our economy. President Obama showed substantial clarity of thought, the ability to process complex information, and make appropriate evaluation of the facts. Of note, was that he was in a room not only of allies, but of adversaries. Although the President's approval rating is about 65% there are still about one third of Congressional members who don't agree with him and loudly voice their opposition. Yet, President Obama was calm, clearly relaxed, poised, well spoken and even interjected some comical relief into his very serious speech. He displayed the kind of confidence that inspires others toward trust. He carried himself well showing dignity and grace under extreme pressure.

This is the kind of person that we all aspire to emulate when we are under stress. We want to be unflappable, competent, genuine and empathetic. How do we achieve this kind of persona? We begin by realizing that our insides are reflected in our outsides. What does that mean? We cannot hide who we are internally by wearing a mask. Our true selves show through. When what we project doesn't match what people sense when they are around us, it sets up a peculiar energy that people can feel. They can't tell you what they sense, it just seems awkward.

In order for us to be genuine, we must allow ourselves to be seen without masks. In being open, we allow others to see us for who we are and by extension are competent at being ourselves. As such, we can be empathetic, since we are living in harmony with our inner selves. A strong self esteem allows us the confidence to be unflappable. Carrying ourselves honestly permits us the freedom to put all our energy toward the moment. We aren't focused on maintaining a mask. Thus we can listen intently, absorb all the information we need , evaluate appropriately and make decisions that reflect integrity and empathy.

This formula to make response-able decisions works well in all relationships. We use our tools to learn to respond rather than react and in so doing give ourselves the gift of increased self esteem.