Thomas J. Scheff, Sociologist has made some observations about shame, humiliation and obsession. These views are an excellent reminder of the reason we take recovery to heart, making time each day to practice self care and keep our tools sharp. We are grateful for the role recovery plays in our lives keeping us from being absorbed by humiliation and shame. We know who we are, we are honest with ourselves about our capabilities and our flaws. We see ourselves in truth. Each of us has our unique gifts and we celebrate them in our daily lives.
Here are Thomas Schreff's words.
Many of us have painful obsessions, lasting for hours, days, weeks or months. Someone has been rude or rejecting, so we think about what we should have said, or how we could have avoided the incident entirely. These thoughts go on night and day. We try to think about other matters or do other things, but we eat obsession with breakfast, lunch and dinner. These small obsessions eventually leave. We can still remember the moment, but the pain and compulsion have disappeared. What happened?
Perhaps emotions are the secret, particularly humiliation or shame. Instead of acknowledging the pain in the moment, we internalize it. The danger is that we can become ashamed of being ashamed, and so on, a spiral. People who blush, for example, can be ashamed of the blush, and so blush even more, round and round. So humiliation can spiral to the point that it haunts us. Emotions, at their core, are bodily states of arousal. It is bodily arousal over which we have no direct control that makes the obsession painful and compulsive.
At times, instead of merely swallowing the insult, we responds in kind, either in the moment, or more likely, in thinking about it afterwards. Instead of suffering humiliation in silence, we activate our defense... anger. We are still obsessed, but are now driven by anger about being humiliated, and shame about being angry, a loop. Both shame and shame/anger spirals can lead to endless obsession.
As we remember who we are and were we began our journey into recovery we can appreciate how easy it might be to allow ourselves to spiral out of control into the dark recesses of obsession and shame. We practice self care giving ourselves all we need to create a safe place where we can blossom. Our tools are our lifeline keeping us grounded in our gifts and our abilitiy to create a better tomorrow for ourselves and those we love.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Relationships in Step Families
Wednesday Martin, Ph.D, author of the book, Stepmonster, has some truths to share with us about the possibilities that may occur in step families when relationships begin to deteriorate over time and those involved are not in recovery. Here is her perspective.
One of the ugliest truths of stepfamily reality, I learned as I researched my book Stepmonster, is competition. Namely, competition between the woman with stepkids and her husband's kids for the husband/father's time, attention, and assets. In spite of our culture's insistence that divorced and remarried men with kids can jerry rig a life where "both his kids and his wife come first," and regardless of our notion that women should just "put his kids first because it's right," we live in the real world. And in that real world, the longitudinal studies by Bray, Ahrons, and Hetherington tell us, kids of all ages often find themselves in loyalty binds, leading them to treat their stepmothers in unkind ways. Other kids who have been parented permissively post- divorce (a common phenomenon) may act out well into adulthood, blaming their stepmothers for their parent's divorce even when it isn't the case, and failing to treat their father, his marriage and his wife with respect. Divorced fathers, for their part, too often refuse to require civil behavior from their kids toward stepmom, out of guilt that the kids went through a divorce, and fear that if they draw the line, the kids will walk away forever. And finally, more than a few stepmothers who want very badly to get stepmothering right will find themselves depleted from years of rebuffs; they may retreat in disappointment or frustration, in an effort to protect themselves and preserve their dignity. Steprelations, the experts cited above tell us, are virtually never effortless, and they are frequently difficult.
With that sobering thought in mind let us look carefully at our recovery process making sure that we are practicing self care and using our tools in our daily lives. This graphic illustration of what can happen when people attempt to brush issues aside, or pretend that problems don't exist brings home the tragic reality that when the truth is ignored both adults and children suffer needlessly. If those in these relationships were practicing self care and moving forward in their recovery journey their outcomes would all be more positive in the long run. This is not to say that real issues do not surface regardless, but dealing with them as they arise in an effective manner reduces their long term impact and promotes more positive interactions.
We are all responsible for the quality of our relationships and the effort we put forth to make those special ties work as well as possible. As we move forward in our recovery we add value to all our partnerships and those we care most about in our lives.
One of the ugliest truths of stepfamily reality, I learned as I researched my book Stepmonster, is competition. Namely, competition between the woman with stepkids and her husband's kids for the husband/father's time, attention, and assets. In spite of our culture's insistence that divorced and remarried men with kids can jerry rig a life where "both his kids and his wife come first," and regardless of our notion that women should just "put his kids first because it's right," we live in the real world. And in that real world, the longitudinal studies by Bray, Ahrons, and Hetherington tell us, kids of all ages often find themselves in loyalty binds, leading them to treat their stepmothers in unkind ways. Other kids who have been parented permissively post- divorce (a common phenomenon) may act out well into adulthood, blaming their stepmothers for their parent's divorce even when it isn't the case, and failing to treat their father, his marriage and his wife with respect. Divorced fathers, for their part, too often refuse to require civil behavior from their kids toward stepmom, out of guilt that the kids went through a divorce, and fear that if they draw the line, the kids will walk away forever. And finally, more than a few stepmothers who want very badly to get stepmothering right will find themselves depleted from years of rebuffs; they may retreat in disappointment or frustration, in an effort to protect themselves and preserve their dignity. Steprelations, the experts cited above tell us, are virtually never effortless, and they are frequently difficult.
With that sobering thought in mind let us look carefully at our recovery process making sure that we are practicing self care and using our tools in our daily lives. This graphic illustration of what can happen when people attempt to brush issues aside, or pretend that problems don't exist brings home the tragic reality that when the truth is ignored both adults and children suffer needlessly. If those in these relationships were practicing self care and moving forward in their recovery journey their outcomes would all be more positive in the long run. This is not to say that real issues do not surface regardless, but dealing with them as they arise in an effective manner reduces their long term impact and promotes more positive interactions.
We are all responsible for the quality of our relationships and the effort we put forth to make those special ties work as well as possible. As we move forward in our recovery we add value to all our partnerships and those we care most about in our lives.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Recovery from Trauma, Stress and Abuse
There are many articles on trauma and stress. This one is excellent and addresses many of the issues we face in our relationships. It is interesting to note that the field of psychology has determined to give a diagnosis to the condition we in recovery have long termed codependency. As we practice our tools and increase our self esteem we overcome so many of these difficulties in our daily lives. Here are some excerpts from the article for our review.
The Effects of Prolonged Psychological Trauma and Abuse by Brian Trappler, M.D.
There was a time when mental health professionals attempted to fit all trauma-related symptoms into the single category of PTSD. Several years after PTSD was adopted , studies revealed that this diagnosis captured only a limited scope of post-traumatic symptoms.
Several studies of traumatized children reported patterns of unmotivated aggression and impulse control, dissociative symptoms and difficulties negotiating interpersonal relationships. Others studied victims who had survived rape or incest during childhood. Their findings also illustrated problems not captured in PTSD. Instead, these victims appeared to have a compromised sense of safety, self worth, and an inability to self-soothe.
People who have been in any type of prolonged abuse situation, including hostages, abused children and battered spouses, may continue to feel and behave as victims as a result of the sense of danger they felt when they were in the abusive situation... it never passed from their conscious or unconscious memory. Throughout their lives, they describe themselves as feeling emotionally dead inside... other people may see them as being detached. Almost twenty years after psychological effects of trauma had been squeezed into the label of PTSD, there emerged a new term for this syndrome: Complex Trauma.
The following symptoms may occur in people with prolonged histories of inter-personal trauma: disturbances in perception of self and others, patterns of trauma re-enactment, inability to regulate mood, the adoption by victims of the belief systems of their tormentors, a loss of a coherent sense of self, an inability to engage in stable or trusting relationships, and an inability to free themselves from the abuse dynamic. While some victims became abusers themselves, others appeared to become compulsively attracted to predators. By so doing, they continued a repetition-compulsion of their childhood abuse into their adult relationships. Complex trauma may cause changes in the following areas of development:
1. Alterations in mood and impulse control
2. Alterations in attention or consciousness
3. Symptoms of a somatic nature
4. Alterations in self-perception
5. Alterations in relations with others
6. Alterations in perception of the perpetrator
7. Alterations in systems of meaning
Complex Trauma may cause damage to the following areas of interpersonal functioning:
1. The capacity to feel secure and emotionally comfortable in relationships
2. The capacity to feel empowered in relationships with others (via empathic engagement)
3. The skills required for self-awareness.
4. The skills required for affect-regulation and self-soothing
5. The personal sense of boundaries
6. The ability to preserve world beliefs and a sense of meaning
7. The ability to stay anchored and mindful during stress (as opposed to dissociating)
8. The ability to tolerate a full range of emotions without being overwhelmed or shutting down
We can be grateful that we have the tools necessary to combat the effects of trauma, stress and abuse in our daily lives. We practice self care increasing our self esteem and moving ever so steadily toward acceptance. In this way we continue to give ourselves the gift of hope.
The Effects of Prolonged Psychological Trauma and Abuse by Brian Trappler, M.D.
There was a time when mental health professionals attempted to fit all trauma-related symptoms into the single category of PTSD. Several years after PTSD was adopted , studies revealed that this diagnosis captured only a limited scope of post-traumatic symptoms.
Several studies of traumatized children reported patterns of unmotivated aggression and impulse control, dissociative symptoms and difficulties negotiating interpersonal relationships. Others studied victims who had survived rape or incest during childhood. Their findings also illustrated problems not captured in PTSD. Instead, these victims appeared to have a compromised sense of safety, self worth, and an inability to self-soothe.
People who have been in any type of prolonged abuse situation, including hostages, abused children and battered spouses, may continue to feel and behave as victims as a result of the sense of danger they felt when they were in the abusive situation... it never passed from their conscious or unconscious memory. Throughout their lives, they describe themselves as feeling emotionally dead inside... other people may see them as being detached. Almost twenty years after psychological effects of trauma had been squeezed into the label of PTSD, there emerged a new term for this syndrome: Complex Trauma.
The following symptoms may occur in people with prolonged histories of inter-personal trauma: disturbances in perception of self and others, patterns of trauma re-enactment, inability to regulate mood, the adoption by victims of the belief systems of their tormentors, a loss of a coherent sense of self, an inability to engage in stable or trusting relationships, and an inability to free themselves from the abuse dynamic. While some victims became abusers themselves, others appeared to become compulsively attracted to predators. By so doing, they continued a repetition-compulsion of their childhood abuse into their adult relationships. Complex trauma may cause changes in the following areas of development:
1. Alterations in mood and impulse control
2. Alterations in attention or consciousness
3. Symptoms of a somatic nature
4. Alterations in self-perception
5. Alterations in relations with others
6. Alterations in perception of the perpetrator
7. Alterations in systems of meaning
Complex Trauma may cause damage to the following areas of interpersonal functioning:
1. The capacity to feel secure and emotionally comfortable in relationships
2. The capacity to feel empowered in relationships with others (via empathic engagement)
3. The skills required for self-awareness.
4. The skills required for affect-regulation and self-soothing
5. The personal sense of boundaries
6. The ability to preserve world beliefs and a sense of meaning
7. The ability to stay anchored and mindful during stress (as opposed to dissociating)
8. The ability to tolerate a full range of emotions without being overwhelmed or shutting down
We can be grateful that we have the tools necessary to combat the effects of trauma, stress and abuse in our daily lives. We practice self care increasing our self esteem and moving ever so steadily toward acceptance. In this way we continue to give ourselves the gift of hope.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Where's Your National Pride?
Today was a milestone. Our President, Barack Obama, was awarded the Noble Peace Prize for his teams work in their efforts to reshape the global attitude toward stopping terrorism and striving for a nuclear free world. It was the first time in many years that I was able to be proud, once again, to be an American.
Please don't misunderstand, I have always been proud of my citizenship of our country, but these last years have been quite embarrassing for America in several areas. We have tortured prisioners against the Geneva Convention, of which we are signers. We have invaded another country without proper cause, and in the process lost sight of our real goal in the mid east. We have increased the income of the top 1% earners in our country at the expense of the poor and middle class. We have gone from a budget surplus to a multi trillion dollar deficit. We have become the worlds largest international debtor. We have allowed in exess of 44 million of our countrymen to be without health insurance, directly contributing over 40,000 of them dieing each year.
It is horrifying, to say the least, to see what has happened in our country. The place that was supposed to be one of the best places on earth... where people could live decent respectable lives without having to work themselves to death... "...life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness..."
What happened? How did we go from that ideal to being slaves to giant, multi-national corporations? Theives that run our banks... that are now "too big to fail" taking huge bonuses with the public's money? Investment institutions that make up new types of gambling style investments that rape those who get sucked into buying them? While being regulated by no one?
Finally, the public being enslaven by the health care industry... specifically the insurance cartel... the one that charges a fortune, pays it's executives in the neighborhood of $57,000 an hour and denies coverge for whatever they deem a pre-existing condition or an unnecessary procedure? Who made up these rules and put them into a health insurance policy? What happened to those who regulate the insurance industry? Were they asleep at the switch?
Isn't the purpose of heath insurance to insure that we can affort to get health care... especially when we need it the most... when we are sick? How is anyone supposed to heal when they are worrying about how to pay the bills that are sure to arrive even when they have health insurance? Or worse yet... can't see a doctor because they don't have health insurance and can't afford to buy it!
What happened to our country? How did we end up with radio and television talk show hosts making policy in Washington by exaggerating, spewing lies and filling up the airwaves with garbage in a 24 hour news cycle? These people are interested in one thing... ratings... why? because ratings effectively line their pockets... they say so themselves!!
How did we end up with a Congress that doesn't have term limits? Who can take campaign funds from whomever they please, vote however they please... oftentimes not in line with their constituents, but with their donors... and still get re-elected. How did we end up with politicians who are totally out of touch with the American public, who rely on skewed polls instead of finding out by asking the people they were elected to represent... the American people... what they want.
It is too easy to yell and scream at phoney Town Hall meetings. It's too easy to sit on the sidelines and pass judgement about what others may or may not think and feel. It is too easy to do nothing except talk about one's opinion... as though talking about it has any effect... it doesn't. We can all argue and talk until we are blue in the face, but if we don't get up off our couches and DO something, nothing will change.
There are things we can do. We can pick up the phone and call our Congressional Representatives and Senators. We can write a letter or send an email to those same folks letting them know what we want and how we feel about the issues upon which they will vote, and about what we think of them taking campaign funds from lobbyists who are lobbying against our best interests... the American people.
We can all band together and ask for a national referendum imposing term limits on Congress. We desperately need to break the pattern of insulated out of touch behavior in Washington. Two terms is enough. Congress will never vote themselves term limits... they won't vote themselves out of a job. Congress would be much healthier if they only served a maximum of two terms... like so many other elected officials we would get a chance for change. The effectiveness of lobbying would be lessened to a degree that might make governing the actual priority of our Senators and Congressional Representatives. Wouldn't that be change we can believe in?
Let us take action. There are issues before Congress this year that will impact our lives for generations to come... health care... environmental protection... the war in Afghanistan and Iraq... ending Don't Ask Don't Tell... balancing the budget and ending our dependence on foreign investment... investing in renewable energy... breaking the barriers between politics and governing...
We have a job to do. We each count. We each need to act to make a difference. It is never too late to become part of our country and make our voices heard. The time for allowing the media to set the standards in Washington is over. Nature abhors a vacuum. Let us not leave a vacuum. Let our voices be heard, whether we agree or not is unimportant, just as long as we speak our minds... we are all vital. We are all guaranteed free speech by the Bill of Rights. Let us exercise our right to be heard!!
Please don't misunderstand, I have always been proud of my citizenship of our country, but these last years have been quite embarrassing for America in several areas. We have tortured prisioners against the Geneva Convention, of which we are signers. We have invaded another country without proper cause, and in the process lost sight of our real goal in the mid east. We have increased the income of the top 1% earners in our country at the expense of the poor and middle class. We have gone from a budget surplus to a multi trillion dollar deficit. We have become the worlds largest international debtor. We have allowed in exess of 44 million of our countrymen to be without health insurance, directly contributing over 40,000 of them dieing each year.
It is horrifying, to say the least, to see what has happened in our country. The place that was supposed to be one of the best places on earth... where people could live decent respectable lives without having to work themselves to death... "...life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness..."
What happened? How did we go from that ideal to being slaves to giant, multi-national corporations? Theives that run our banks... that are now "too big to fail" taking huge bonuses with the public's money? Investment institutions that make up new types of gambling style investments that rape those who get sucked into buying them? While being regulated by no one?
Finally, the public being enslaven by the health care industry... specifically the insurance cartel... the one that charges a fortune, pays it's executives in the neighborhood of $57,000 an hour and denies coverge for whatever they deem a pre-existing condition or an unnecessary procedure? Who made up these rules and put them into a health insurance policy? What happened to those who regulate the insurance industry? Were they asleep at the switch?
Isn't the purpose of heath insurance to insure that we can affort to get health care... especially when we need it the most... when we are sick? How is anyone supposed to heal when they are worrying about how to pay the bills that are sure to arrive even when they have health insurance? Or worse yet... can't see a doctor because they don't have health insurance and can't afford to buy it!
What happened to our country? How did we end up with radio and television talk show hosts making policy in Washington by exaggerating, spewing lies and filling up the airwaves with garbage in a 24 hour news cycle? These people are interested in one thing... ratings... why? because ratings effectively line their pockets... they say so themselves!!
How did we end up with a Congress that doesn't have term limits? Who can take campaign funds from whomever they please, vote however they please... oftentimes not in line with their constituents, but with their donors... and still get re-elected. How did we end up with politicians who are totally out of touch with the American public, who rely on skewed polls instead of finding out by asking the people they were elected to represent... the American people... what they want.
It is too easy to yell and scream at phoney Town Hall meetings. It's too easy to sit on the sidelines and pass judgement about what others may or may not think and feel. It is too easy to do nothing except talk about one's opinion... as though talking about it has any effect... it doesn't. We can all argue and talk until we are blue in the face, but if we don't get up off our couches and DO something, nothing will change.
There are things we can do. We can pick up the phone and call our Congressional Representatives and Senators. We can write a letter or send an email to those same folks letting them know what we want and how we feel about the issues upon which they will vote, and about what we think of them taking campaign funds from lobbyists who are lobbying against our best interests... the American people.
We can all band together and ask for a national referendum imposing term limits on Congress. We desperately need to break the pattern of insulated out of touch behavior in Washington. Two terms is enough. Congress will never vote themselves term limits... they won't vote themselves out of a job. Congress would be much healthier if they only served a maximum of two terms... like so many other elected officials we would get a chance for change. The effectiveness of lobbying would be lessened to a degree that might make governing the actual priority of our Senators and Congressional Representatives. Wouldn't that be change we can believe in?
Let us take action. There are issues before Congress this year that will impact our lives for generations to come... health care... environmental protection... the war in Afghanistan and Iraq... ending Don't Ask Don't Tell... balancing the budget and ending our dependence on foreign investment... investing in renewable energy... breaking the barriers between politics and governing...
We have a job to do. We each count. We each need to act to make a difference. It is never too late to become part of our country and make our voices heard. The time for allowing the media to set the standards in Washington is over. Nature abhors a vacuum. Let us not leave a vacuum. Let our voices be heard, whether we agree or not is unimportant, just as long as we speak our minds... we are all vital. We are all guaranteed free speech by the Bill of Rights. Let us exercise our right to be heard!!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Am I Still In Love?
What do we do when we feel that in love feeling changing in our relationship? Does that happen to everyone? Does it mean our relationship is over, or doomed?
When we first meet our partner we feel excited, we look forward to our next time together with great anticipation. We enjoy our shared experiences and tend not to notice each others flaws. We are in love.
If our brains were scanned in an MRI during this early phase of our relationship while looking at a photo of our new partner, we would show the same type of energy patterns as obsessive compulsive disorder.
Thinking about this we understand that this makes perfect sense. We are obsessed with our new romance. We are compulsive about our appearance and the condition of our living space. We think about our new partner almost all the time. This level of energy is pleasant and exciting, but in the long term unsustainable. If all goes well, eventually our relationship matures into one of committed intimacy.
Some of us are troubled by the change in feelings. We may not understand that these are normal,. healthy, mature feelings that grow out of the initial lusty times we shared in the beginning of our new partnership. If we believe that our relationship is in trouble we may make foolish choices, leaving to again find that in love sensation we found when our interactions were new.
We need to come to understand that the changes in emotion are what we seek. We do want the security and stability of a long term committed intimate relationship. That is were we may flourish both as individuals and partners.
Being in love with the in love feelings causes some of us to fly from relationship to relationship, never finding what we truly seek... the love of self and the intimacy of a mature partnership. We are worth more than just a flash in the pan. We are worthy of true deep intimacy. We can find what we seek.
Remember... we attract who we are, not what we want.
When we first meet our partner we feel excited, we look forward to our next time together with great anticipation. We enjoy our shared experiences and tend not to notice each others flaws. We are in love.
If our brains were scanned in an MRI during this early phase of our relationship while looking at a photo of our new partner, we would show the same type of energy patterns as obsessive compulsive disorder.
Thinking about this we understand that this makes perfect sense. We are obsessed with our new romance. We are compulsive about our appearance and the condition of our living space. We think about our new partner almost all the time. This level of energy is pleasant and exciting, but in the long term unsustainable. If all goes well, eventually our relationship matures into one of committed intimacy.
Some of us are troubled by the change in feelings. We may not understand that these are normal,. healthy, mature feelings that grow out of the initial lusty times we shared in the beginning of our new partnership. If we believe that our relationship is in trouble we may make foolish choices, leaving to again find that in love sensation we found when our interactions were new.
We need to come to understand that the changes in emotion are what we seek. We do want the security and stability of a long term committed intimate relationship. That is were we may flourish both as individuals and partners.
Being in love with the in love feelings causes some of us to fly from relationship to relationship, never finding what we truly seek... the love of self and the intimacy of a mature partnership. We are worth more than just a flash in the pan. We are worthy of true deep intimacy. We can find what we seek.
Remember... we attract who we are, not what we want.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
What Is Anger?
How do we cope with angry feelings? Is anger important? What does it mean when we are angry? What tools do we use to respond rather than react to our anger?
There are countless sayings regarding anger. Some are worth repeating as they hold truths that contain wisdom.
"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die" Malachy McCourt
Anger has value. It is an emotion that acts as a stop sign, indicating that our boundaries or values have been violated. If we learn to recognize anger as a useful tool and pay attention when it arises within us, we can avoid the unanswered anger hardening into bitterness and resentment.
"Anger is one letter short of danger." Unknown
How many times have we spoken in anger only to be unable to take back those angry words later? Angry words are like slicing a feather pillow open on the highway while driving and letting all the feathers fly out the window. Can you ever pick them all up?
"Do not teach your children never to be angry, teach them how to be angry." Lyman Abott
Being able to feel and respond appropriately to anger is an important skill in relationships. We must be able to find our voice when our boundaries have been breached. We must be able to speak up and defend ourselves without becoming disagreeable.
"Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel." Unknown
Being angry allows us to express ourselves in a way that honors and respects the person with whom we are angry. We are permitted to voice our opinion and defend our boundaries and values so long as we do not violate the boundaries and values of the other person.
"I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to." Unknown
We have the capacity to choose... to respond... we do not have to react to every situation that presents itself. We can opt out. We can ask ourselves... Will this matter in five years? If the answer is no... the next question is does it really matter today?
''Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Buddha
Anger, though it has value as a tool, loses it's value when it becomes a way of life. When we feel angry all the time, or our anger lurks just below the surface waiting to burst out at any provocation... we have lost it's usefulness and have become it's prisoner. We must respond to our anger when it appears and not try to sweep things under the rug. The truth is... there is no rug. We may think we can just let it go, but the hard truth is that we may be unable to let it go without solving the underlying issue. When anger surfaces again and again it is an indication that there is some underlying problem that is demanding to be addressed. Refusing to acknowledge this indication may lead to bitterness and resentment.
"The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk." Jacqueline Schiff
There is a great deal of research showing that taking a brisk walk helps to diffuse anger. Getting ourselves out of the situation, giving ourselves a chance to be alone, think, analyse and process our disagreement may give us the opportunity to reach consensus when we reunite. Additionally, the physical activity releases endorphins... the feel good chemical in the brain that helps alleviate pain and lifts spirits.
There are countless sayings regarding anger. Some are worth repeating as they hold truths that contain wisdom.
"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die" Malachy McCourt
Anger has value. It is an emotion that acts as a stop sign, indicating that our boundaries or values have been violated. If we learn to recognize anger as a useful tool and pay attention when it arises within us, we can avoid the unanswered anger hardening into bitterness and resentment.
"Anger is one letter short of danger." Unknown
How many times have we spoken in anger only to be unable to take back those angry words later? Angry words are like slicing a feather pillow open on the highway while driving and letting all the feathers fly out the window. Can you ever pick them all up?
"Do not teach your children never to be angry, teach them how to be angry." Lyman Abott
Being able to feel and respond appropriately to anger is an important skill in relationships. We must be able to find our voice when our boundaries have been breached. We must be able to speak up and defend ourselves without becoming disagreeable.
"Sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel." Unknown
Being angry allows us to express ourselves in a way that honors and respects the person with whom we are angry. We are permitted to voice our opinion and defend our boundaries and values so long as we do not violate the boundaries and values of the other person.
"I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to." Unknown
We have the capacity to choose... to respond... we do not have to react to every situation that presents itself. We can opt out. We can ask ourselves... Will this matter in five years? If the answer is no... the next question is does it really matter today?
''Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Buddha
Anger, though it has value as a tool, loses it's value when it becomes a way of life. When we feel angry all the time, or our anger lurks just below the surface waiting to burst out at any provocation... we have lost it's usefulness and have become it's prisoner. We must respond to our anger when it appears and not try to sweep things under the rug. The truth is... there is no rug. We may think we can just let it go, but the hard truth is that we may be unable to let it go without solving the underlying issue. When anger surfaces again and again it is an indication that there is some underlying problem that is demanding to be addressed. Refusing to acknowledge this indication may lead to bitterness and resentment.
"The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk." Jacqueline Schiff
There is a great deal of research showing that taking a brisk walk helps to diffuse anger. Getting ourselves out of the situation, giving ourselves a chance to be alone, think, analyse and process our disagreement may give us the opportunity to reach consensus when we reunite. Additionally, the physical activity releases endorphins... the feel good chemical in the brain that helps alleviate pain and lifts spirits.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Sex, Love or Intimacy?
Sex is fully one third of every long term committed relationship. It is an important way for partners to stay connected and physically healthy... seniors who enjoy a steady sexual connection tend to be healthier and live longer... It is also a vital part of feeling good about oneself.
All that aside, sex is also an external expression of what is happening in the emotional life of a relationship. When partners are having difficult times due to disease, personal loss, job loss, economic stress or child rearing problems, their sexual activities and desire for sexual release may wane. As people age their sexuality changes as well. Compassion and tenderness are required to get through the difficult times and back to balance.
It is common for couples who do not have effective communication skills to face challenges in their relationships. Using their sexual activity and their personal desire for sexual release as a barometer may give partners an early indicator that there are underlying issues needing attention, clarification and resolution.
There is much to be said for spontaneity and pursuit on an occasional basis. It can greatly enhance the quality of the partners sexual experience. There is also much to be said for planned sex dates when partners have busy lives and active families. Jobs and chores may leave partners exhausted and unwilling.
The one area to avoid is using sexual activity as a substitute for love. Sex is not a substitute for intimacy which requires emotional availability and trust between partners. It is also not a substitute for love which requires that partners care about one another and place their mates needs before their own.
Sex is important. It plays a vital role in our continuity as a species. It is the reason that we humans are driven to find a mate and procreate. Without a sustainable sexual drive we humans would be extinct.
All that aside, sex is also an external expression of what is happening in the emotional life of a relationship. When partners are having difficult times due to disease, personal loss, job loss, economic stress or child rearing problems, their sexual activities and desire for sexual release may wane. As people age their sexuality changes as well. Compassion and tenderness are required to get through the difficult times and back to balance.
It is common for couples who do not have effective communication skills to face challenges in their relationships. Using their sexual activity and their personal desire for sexual release as a barometer may give partners an early indicator that there are underlying issues needing attention, clarification and resolution.
There is much to be said for spontaneity and pursuit on an occasional basis. It can greatly enhance the quality of the partners sexual experience. There is also much to be said for planned sex dates when partners have busy lives and active families. Jobs and chores may leave partners exhausted and unwilling.
The one area to avoid is using sexual activity as a substitute for love. Sex is not a substitute for intimacy which requires emotional availability and trust between partners. It is also not a substitute for love which requires that partners care about one another and place their mates needs before their own.
Sex is important. It plays a vital role in our continuity as a species. It is the reason that we humans are driven to find a mate and procreate. Without a sustainable sexual drive we humans would be extinct.
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