Can I Forgive Myself?

Why is it so much harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others? That is because we hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do other people. Take a moment when all is quiet and listen to our self talk... all the shoulds, the nevers and the always... we wouldn't talk like that to our children, our parents or our friends... but we all talk that way to ourselves.

The hardest part about forgiving ourselves is accepting that we are just like everyone else... we make mistakes, we screw up, we do stupid things that we regret. But because we hold ourselves to a higher standard in our minds, we somehow believe that we are capable of more... and we expect more of ourselves. So when we don't perform up to our own expectations we tend to crucify ourselves.

The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is a part of reality we definately don't like... we aren't perfect, we never will be... we aren't supposed to be... that keeps us humble. When we accept that we are as flawed as others, and we bring that truth into our inner selves as a part of us... then we can begin to forgive ourselves.

Our kids may have been hurt by what they experienced as we made mistakes... mine certainly was... but he learned valuable lessons from me in the process... no one is perfect... not me, not his Dad and not him. He can accept that failure is a part of life and that when we get knocked down we get up and try again. That is an invaluable lesson... painful? Yes. But invaluable.

Our kids will learn that parents are human, they make mistakes and in the process there is pain. But, they will be able to accept that failure is an integral part of life to be expected and overcome with effort. They will see our efforts at rebuilding ourselves and their lives as a positive result.

Making mistakes and learning to forgive ourselves is all a part of being human... and isn't that the whole point?

Patience

When we start our journey into recovery we are excited, anticipating the boundless future we have ahead of us. We dive headlong into our work, eager to make changes, unblock our joy, increase our self esteem, find our happiness.

But the road ahead is long and filled with potholes. We take three steps forward and two steps back. For some, we feel for the first time in our adult lives. We may be overwhelmed with experiencing emotion. We hear negative self talk when all is quiet. We criticize our missteps and berate ourselves for not learning as fast as we might like. We wonder... will it ever be easy... will it ever come naturally... will we ever achieve our goals? We fight the changes, they are uncomfortable. We feel awkward. We begin to second guess ourselves... is this really going to help? Is this a waste of time? We question whether it is really possible for us to make changes. Our belief falters.

But then, we begin to see ourselves in a new light. Our self deception slips away and we glimpse ourselves as others see us. We see our underlying beliefs and begin to understand how they have effected the choices we have made in our daily lives. We start to see that our decisions have led us to our current circumstances. We realize that we can effect the outcome of our daily lives by becoming more present in the moment, responding rather than reacting and using our tools for self care. Our path becomes clearer and we begin to trust the recovery process once again. In this way we give ourselves the gift of patience. Patience with ourselves and patience with the recovery process.