Can I Forgive Myself?

Why is it so much harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive others? That is because we hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we do other people. Take a moment when all is quiet and listen to our self talk... all the shoulds, the nevers and the always... we wouldn't talk like that to our children, our parents or our friends... but we all talk that way to ourselves.

The hardest part about forgiving ourselves is accepting that we are just like everyone else... we make mistakes, we screw up, we do stupid things that we regret. But because we hold ourselves to a higher standard in our minds, we somehow believe that we are capable of more... and we expect more of ourselves. So when we don't perform up to our own expectations we tend to crucify ourselves.

The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is a part of reality we definately don't like... we aren't perfect, we never will be... we aren't supposed to be... that keeps us humble. When we accept that we are as flawed as others, and we bring that truth into our inner selves as a part of us... then we can begin to forgive ourselves.

Our kids may have been hurt by what they experienced as we made mistakes... mine certainly was... but he learned valuable lessons from me in the process... no one is perfect... not me, not his Dad and not him. He can accept that failure is a part of life and that when we get knocked down we get up and try again. That is an invaluable lesson... painful? Yes. But invaluable.

Our kids will learn that parents are human, they make mistakes and in the process there is pain. But, they will be able to accept that failure is an integral part of life to be expected and overcome with effort. They will see our efforts at rebuilding ourselves and their lives as a positive result.

Making mistakes and learning to forgive ourselves is all a part of being human... and isn't that the whole point?

Dearest Readers

Dearest readers... absence from my blog for the last three days has been the result of a family difficulty that erupted during this past week. This was a dose of reality that was quite distasteful. Fortunately I was able to reach into my tool bag and find that I had the tools to help me get through this very difficult time. I used all the tools available to ease my stress.

After the initial shock coursed through my system, I got a jolt of adrenaline. My mind began to focus on assembling the information I would need to make the decisions that might lie ahead. I began by assessing the situation. I then called those who could inform me as to the options available and the probable course of action that would occur. I followed by informing those who might be of assistance. I then proceeded to my home to do some sorely needed self care and avail myself of support.

I had no other choice but to await the outcome. There was no path available for my involvement. This was the hardest part of all... waiting for results which might take hours or days. I took this waiting time to practice detachment, letting go, prayer, trusting in my higher power, allowing myself to receive love and support, and the wisdom of the flow of the universe. I read a wise thought: take a lesson from the clock, it passes time by keeping it's hands busy. I kept myself busy over the course of the next three days. It was a very difficult time, but I was able to keep myself centered and calm as much as possible. I am grateful that I have practiced using my tools in my daily life. They are always with me. I would not have made it through this extremely stressful time without them. I trust that my higher power has a plan for my life and those in my family.

I share these thought with you, dear readers, that you might have the belief and confidence in the tools that we share to practice using them in your daily lives. When we are tested, as happens in each and every life, we will be adept at using our tools. We will be able to get ourselves through the trials we face. We will emerge with increased self esteem, believing that we can triumph regardless of our circumstances. We are the sum of our values and beliefs. We can rely on ourselves to make appropriate choices. We are capable.

Intimacy

One of the most sought after ideals in the human condition is intimacy. We yearn to have another truly know us. Yet at the same time we are desperately afraid to be seen. This harsh reality is the cause of many relationship struggles. We come together then pull apart. We desire time with others, then move away to soothe ourselves. In the dance of intimacy there is the unspoken two step that we unconsciously complete as we glide along. We often participate in the dance without even knowing it. We move in concert with our partner as though we were trained together.

Why then does the dance cause so much pain and drama in our daily lives? As we come together we feel the rush of closeness and the promise of joy that intimacy holds. We revel in the moment. But we cannot sustain the level of intimacy without feeling the fear that we somehow, will be lost. In reaction we pull back, gasping for personal space. Our instinctive reaction to pull away is our survival mechanism preserving our individuality. Intimacy at this level cannot be sustained for more than mere moments at a time. If we lived constantly at this energy level we would be exhausted.

So why does the coming apart cause so much drama and feelings of loss? Our expectations are the root of the challenge. We do not always understand the necessity of individuality. In our search for intimacy and connection we often feel that we must remain connected at all times to be whole. This is certainly not the case. In order to be two whole individuals, we must come apart to live our own lives and bring new experiences and ideas back to the joining. We must pull away to again rejoin. This time of separation allows us to live our own experiences, increase our self esteem and come back together with more to offer our partner. The synergy of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. As we increase our self worth through self care and using our tools, we increase the value of our intimate relationships. This is a gift we give ourselves, intimacy.

Stimulus

I watched C-SPAN today as the Senate debated the Economic Stimulus package. I was engrossed by the lesson I was seeing played out before me. In this country we have citizens who's opinions differ substantially, often polar opposites, yet we all live in peace. The Senate is a microcosm of this fact. Each Senator devotes his time on the Senate floor to arguing his position on the Stimulus package, which he believes is a reflection of his constituents desires. Here is the lesson is perfection... no Senator will be satisfied with the completed package once the debate is over. All have compromised. Yet, the bill will be passed. This is a tool we can use in our daily lives as we find ourselves in conflict with others. Many times communication and compromise are the keys to finding an acceptable solution to our difficulties. If we accept that no one person in the conflict will be completely satisfied, then compromise becomes an acceptable solution, and communication becomes the means to achieve a satisfactory end. As one wise woman said, "The hardest part about life is accepting reality when you don't like it."