Why does this always happen to me? How come any partner I choose ends up doing the same things to me that the last one did? Why do I find myself in the same relationship over and over again?
What do these three questions have in common? They all allow us to believe that we are the victim. In that role, we give our power away. How did we come to be the victim? What are we getting out of this role? What can we do to over come this pattern in our lives?
We may have come to see ourselves as victims through the lens of co-dependency. During a time in our lives when we lived with dysfunctional people we may have truly been a victim. We may have been a young child incapable of independence who needed our family system to survive. We may have been in an abusive relationship. We may have been genuinely hurt as a result of some past event.
If we didn't realize how we had adapted to survive these experiences, we may have become comfortable in the victim role. We may not realize we are feeling like a victim, but our language gives us away.
We may feel empowered in our capacity as victim. We may be using our role to passively control others and outcomes. In our past we may have needed to rely on our ability to manipulate through victim hood to ensure our survival. Now that we no longer live in that same family system, we have not yet realized how our victim identity has affected our current circumstances. In essence we continue to re-create the same dysfunctional familial dynamic in our new relationship by maintaining our victim status.
Once we realize our pattern and come to grips with the fact that we are no longer victims, we can begin to rebuild our self image and self esteem. It is vital that we let go of the need to control others and outcomes. In doing so we free ourselves from the need to continue our passivity and begin to own our power once again. As we begin to practice self care in our daily lives and use our tools to increase our self esteem, we free ourselves from the bonds of victim hood.
Showing posts with label survival. Show all posts
Showing posts with label survival. Show all posts
Monday, July 20, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Nightmares, Flashbacks, Anxiety, Rage… Is This You?
Every so often we have the priviledge to have a guest on the blog. Tonight is one of those special times. I would like to thank Michele Rosenthal for her efforts, research and expertise in this most important area of PTSD. And now, dear followers, here's Michele...
Are you haunted by memories? Do you have nightmares, flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about a traumatic experience? Have you tried to let go but can’t seem to escape anxiety and stress? Do constantly feel you are in danger? Have you shut down emotionally and feel numb? Do you feel detached from yourself, the people around you and the present moment? Do you have trouble connecting emotionally with friends, family, colleagues or lovers? Does it seem impossible to concentrate? Are you unable to surface from depression? Do you get angry and rage at the slightest provocation?
If you answered yes to the majority of these questions you might be struggling with symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You’re not alone. What you may be experiencing is common among millions of people. Recent studies estimate that 70% of all adults in the United States may experience a traumatic event in their lifetime. Of those, up to one in five may develop PTSD. Estimates propose that at any given time 5% of the population may be struggling with PTSD – that’s over 15 million people. That number grows every day and doesn’t include the number of cases remaining undiagnosed.
The good news is, if you’ve recognized yourself you can be on the road to healing.
Medicine.net describes PTSD as,“…an emotional illness that develops as a result of a terribly frightening, life-threatening, or otherwise highly unsafe experience. PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way, tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event ... and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences.”
PTSD surfaces throughout civilian and military history as an extreme emotional reaction to either being involved in or witnessing overwhelming circumstances. In addition to war, the causes of PTSD include natural disasters, domestic violence, rape, physical assault, child abuse, terrorism, random acts of violence and major catastrophic events such as plane crashes, car accidents and industrial calamities.
That’s a long list. We survive all kinds of calamities and can be left with the task of recovering from survival. Trauma changes us. We need to be able to adapt and carry on. It’s tough to do this when the past may have us in it’s tight grasp. We can use our conscious brain, to decide to be done with what happened, but it’s not always possible. Trauma can be hard wired into our sub-conscious mind which determines to protect us from harm. The fact that the danger no longer exists is immaterial, the subconscious continues to function as if it does. This may cause us to live in the shadow of fear and uncertainty, unable to move forward with our lives.
In addition to one on one talk therapy there are other treatments that may lessen the effect of trauma. Some examples, as recommended by the American Psychiatric Association, http://www.healthyminds.org/multimedia/ptsd.pdf , include: Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Exposure Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Family Therapy, and Peer Discussion Group Therapy.
If you believe you or someone you love may be suffering from PTSD you may wish to take the PTSD self test available on line through the Anxiety Disorder Association of America. http://www.adaa.org/GettingHelp/SelfHelpTests/selftest_PTSD.asp . For more information on PTSD contact the National Mental Health Association on line at http://www.nmha.org/.
Healing PTSD begins with our decision to conquer the past and create the future. Regardless of how we feel, the choice to heal is always ours. Commit today!!
Michele Rosenthal
parasitesof.themind@yahoo.com
http://parasitesofthemind.blogspot.com -
A blog about PTSD awareness, education, treatment & self-empowered healing.
Are you haunted by memories? Do you have nightmares, flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about a traumatic experience? Have you tried to let go but can’t seem to escape anxiety and stress? Do constantly feel you are in danger? Have you shut down emotionally and feel numb? Do you feel detached from yourself, the people around you and the present moment? Do you have trouble connecting emotionally with friends, family, colleagues or lovers? Does it seem impossible to concentrate? Are you unable to surface from depression? Do you get angry and rage at the slightest provocation?
If you answered yes to the majority of these questions you might be struggling with symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You’re not alone. What you may be experiencing is common among millions of people. Recent studies estimate that 70% of all adults in the United States may experience a traumatic event in their lifetime. Of those, up to one in five may develop PTSD. Estimates propose that at any given time 5% of the population may be struggling with PTSD – that’s over 15 million people. That number grows every day and doesn’t include the number of cases remaining undiagnosed.
The good news is, if you’ve recognized yourself you can be on the road to healing.
Medicine.net describes PTSD as,“…an emotional illness that develops as a result of a terribly frightening, life-threatening, or otherwise highly unsafe experience. PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way, tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event ... and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences.”
PTSD surfaces throughout civilian and military history as an extreme emotional reaction to either being involved in or witnessing overwhelming circumstances. In addition to war, the causes of PTSD include natural disasters, domestic violence, rape, physical assault, child abuse, terrorism, random acts of violence and major catastrophic events such as plane crashes, car accidents and industrial calamities.
That’s a long list. We survive all kinds of calamities and can be left with the task of recovering from survival. Trauma changes us. We need to be able to adapt and carry on. It’s tough to do this when the past may have us in it’s tight grasp. We can use our conscious brain, to decide to be done with what happened, but it’s not always possible. Trauma can be hard wired into our sub-conscious mind which determines to protect us from harm. The fact that the danger no longer exists is immaterial, the subconscious continues to function as if it does. This may cause us to live in the shadow of fear and uncertainty, unable to move forward with our lives.
In addition to one on one talk therapy there are other treatments that may lessen the effect of trauma. Some examples, as recommended by the American Psychiatric Association, http://www.healthyminds.org/multimedia/ptsd.pdf , include: Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Exposure Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Family Therapy, and Peer Discussion Group Therapy.
If you believe you or someone you love may be suffering from PTSD you may wish to take the PTSD self test available on line through the Anxiety Disorder Association of America. http://www.adaa.org/GettingHelp/SelfHelpTests/selftest_PTSD.asp . For more information on PTSD contact the National Mental Health Association on line at http://www.nmha.org/.
Healing PTSD begins with our decision to conquer the past and create the future. Regardless of how we feel, the choice to heal is always ours. Commit today!!
Michele Rosenthal
parasitesof.themind@yahoo.com
http://parasitesofthemind.blogspot.com -
A blog about PTSD awareness, education, treatment & self-empowered healing.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Addicted to Relationships
Relationships are all about connection. We humans crave connection so much that infants who are not touched lower their survival rate by significant percentages. Partnered men outlive single men. People in relationships report higher happiness levels overall than singles. Why do we crave connection? What drives us to be in a relationship?
Early humans lived in groups or clans. They did this for a variety of reasons, most of which were related to survival. A lone human had a much greater chance of being attacked by a predator than a group. Clans were capable of hunting larger prey as a result of group dynamics. Women found their roles as gatherers and mothers easier when shared. Humans could huddle together for warmth in cold climates. Procreation was easier in a group setting. These early groups became an extended family with leaders. This structure provided security and safety for members. Clans gave the group another important reason to stay - connection. The shared intimacy in these small groups gave members an emotional link to one another. This emotional bond created the feeling that the clan was a family and increased the odds of survival of the group. Those groups that survived as a result of emotional bonds are our ancestors.
We have evolved over the millennia in many ways, but the basic emotional structure of humans remains. We crave connection because it allows us to feel that we belong. This feeling of belonging creates emotional safety. We are at once part of a family and protected. This is especially true during childhood. Small children are completely dependent on caretakers for survival. In order to ensure the continuation of the human race, we are hard wired in both our DNA and neurological pathways to find pleasure in connection and to seek it. When we experience pleasure we secrete powerful chemicals in our brains that cause us to repeat the pleasurable experience. Our DNA causes us to seek connection instinctively. Our brains cause us to become biochemically addicted to the pleasurable feelings we derive from connection. We are literally addicted to our connections.
This addiction explains the intense emotional and physical response we may have when we lose an important connection, whether through death, long term physical separation or the ending of a relationship. We crave the biochemical substances that we produced through our connection. Over time we adjust to the loss as we increase the value of other connections in our lives to compensate.
Early humans lived in groups or clans. They did this for a variety of reasons, most of which were related to survival. A lone human had a much greater chance of being attacked by a predator than a group. Clans were capable of hunting larger prey as a result of group dynamics. Women found their roles as gatherers and mothers easier when shared. Humans could huddle together for warmth in cold climates. Procreation was easier in a group setting. These early groups became an extended family with leaders. This structure provided security and safety for members. Clans gave the group another important reason to stay - connection. The shared intimacy in these small groups gave members an emotional link to one another. This emotional bond created the feeling that the clan was a family and increased the odds of survival of the group. Those groups that survived as a result of emotional bonds are our ancestors.
We have evolved over the millennia in many ways, but the basic emotional structure of humans remains. We crave connection because it allows us to feel that we belong. This feeling of belonging creates emotional safety. We are at once part of a family and protected. This is especially true during childhood. Small children are completely dependent on caretakers for survival. In order to ensure the continuation of the human race, we are hard wired in both our DNA and neurological pathways to find pleasure in connection and to seek it. When we experience pleasure we secrete powerful chemicals in our brains that cause us to repeat the pleasurable experience. Our DNA causes us to seek connection instinctively. Our brains cause us to become biochemically addicted to the pleasurable feelings we derive from connection. We are literally addicted to our connections.
This addiction explains the intense emotional and physical response we may have when we lose an important connection, whether through death, long term physical separation or the ending of a relationship. We crave the biochemical substances that we produced through our connection. Over time we adjust to the loss as we increase the value of other connections in our lives to compensate.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Love - Part 2
How it is possible that we could begin to equate love with drama and pain? As children we may have lived with circumstances that were difficult, frightening and beyond our comprehension. In an effort to assimilate our environment we may have made assumptions about what it feels like to be loved based on what we experienced in our daily lives. We may not have had any basis for comparison and therefore no foundation upon which to build an accurate picture of what love might resemble.
As we reach adulthood we may have experienced how families beyond our own family of origin interact. We may have seen love and acceptance practiced in these situations. This glimpse may alert us to differences we were previously unaware existed. We may wish to blend this new data into our own values and behaviors. However, we may not have the skills to incorporate this information into our daily lives.
We can learn using our tools and practicing self care and self acceptance. Our first goal is to see our family of origin with clarity. We need to understand that our caretakers did the best they could with the skills they had absorbed from their own family of origin. They may not have given us what we needed in the area of love and acceptance, but they gave all they could.
At this juncture in our lives it is now our responsibility to take over the task of giving ourselves love and acceptance. We do this slowly, uncovering our deeper parts gently. .. exposing all of ourselves to self examination. As we learn about our inner selves we treat ourselves with gentleness, love and admiration for surviving all that our childhoods entailed. Our defense mechanisms served us well during this early time, however we can now begin to cast them off as we no longer need their protection. We accept ourselves holistically... embracing all our parts without shame or regret and loving ourselves in our entirety. We continue to use our tools as we make our way through this process. We do this by using self care in our daily lives and taking whatever time we need to heal our wounds.
As we reach adulthood we may have experienced how families beyond our own family of origin interact. We may have seen love and acceptance practiced in these situations. This glimpse may alert us to differences we were previously unaware existed. We may wish to blend this new data into our own values and behaviors. However, we may not have the skills to incorporate this information into our daily lives.
We can learn using our tools and practicing self care and self acceptance. Our first goal is to see our family of origin with clarity. We need to understand that our caretakers did the best they could with the skills they had absorbed from their own family of origin. They may not have given us what we needed in the area of love and acceptance, but they gave all they could.
At this juncture in our lives it is now our responsibility to take over the task of giving ourselves love and acceptance. We do this slowly, uncovering our deeper parts gently. .. exposing all of ourselves to self examination. As we learn about our inner selves we treat ourselves with gentleness, love and admiration for surviving all that our childhoods entailed. Our defense mechanisms served us well during this early time, however we can now begin to cast them off as we no longer need their protection. We accept ourselves holistically... embracing all our parts without shame or regret and loving ourselves in our entirety. We continue to use our tools as we make our way through this process. We do this by using self care in our daily lives and taking whatever time we need to heal our wounds.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Trust
During our daily lives we encounter many situations that require us to choose one path or another. We assess our surroundings. We sift through our past experiences in order to glean information that may assist us in making our choice. We ask others for their input. We then take all the information we have accumulated and make our decision. We place our trust in four key areas. First, ourselves and our ability to accurately view our situation. Next, the accuracy of our memories. Thirdly, our advisers capability to lead us. Lastly, our capacity to combine all the information we have collected into a clear view of our circumstances so as to formulate a decision.
What happens when this healthy pattern of decision making breaks down and we no longer trust our instincts? When we are young, we are incapable of processing the world around us as we do when we are adults. We rely on our caretakers to alert us to unsafe situations by both verbal and non-verbal cues. We trust that they will keep us safe. When we live in chaos and dysfunction as children, we misinterpret the unhealthy reactions of our caretakers. We don't know that they cannot properly interpret their world and are therefore giving us misinformation. We assume that what they say and do is correct. We feel that there is a problem, but we are two feet tall and they are giants. In order to survive, we choose to believe that their assessment is correct and stop trusting our instincts.
As we proceed through life we may feel gut reactions when faced with difficult decisions. Our instincts try to lead us, but we ignore them as a result of the interactions we had with our misinformed caretakers when we were small. We fight ourselves in a stressful battle where we are unlikely to win.
How do we regain that trust in our instincts that we have lost? We must begin a step at a time. We take a small risk and trust our ability to be guided by our instincts. When we have succeeded, we take a somewhat larger risk, and so on. As we experience success, our trust level increases and we raise our self esteem. We listen to our instincts more and let ourselves be guided by our inner voice, our higher power. We use our tools to make self care a part of our daily lives. In this way we give ourselves the gift of trust.
What happens when this healthy pattern of decision making breaks down and we no longer trust our instincts? When we are young, we are incapable of processing the world around us as we do when we are adults. We rely on our caretakers to alert us to unsafe situations by both verbal and non-verbal cues. We trust that they will keep us safe. When we live in chaos and dysfunction as children, we misinterpret the unhealthy reactions of our caretakers. We don't know that they cannot properly interpret their world and are therefore giving us misinformation. We assume that what they say and do is correct. We feel that there is a problem, but we are two feet tall and they are giants. In order to survive, we choose to believe that their assessment is correct and stop trusting our instincts.
As we proceed through life we may feel gut reactions when faced with difficult decisions. Our instincts try to lead us, but we ignore them as a result of the interactions we had with our misinformed caretakers when we were small. We fight ourselves in a stressful battle where we are unlikely to win.
How do we regain that trust in our instincts that we have lost? We must begin a step at a time. We take a small risk and trust our ability to be guided by our instincts. When we have succeeded, we take a somewhat larger risk, and so on. As we experience success, our trust level increases and we raise our self esteem. We listen to our instincts more and let ourselves be guided by our inner voice, our higher power. We use our tools to make self care a part of our daily lives. In this way we give ourselves the gift of trust.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Intimacy
One of the most sought after ideals in the human condition is intimacy. We yearn to have another truly know us. Yet at the same time we are desperately afraid to be seen. This harsh reality is the cause of many relationship struggles. We come together then pull apart. We desire time with others, then move away to soothe ourselves. In the dance of intimacy there is the unspoken two step that we unconsciously complete as we glide along. We often participate in the dance without even knowing it. We move in concert with our partner as though we were trained together.
Why then does the dance cause so much pain and drama in our daily lives? As we come together we feel the rush of closeness and the promise of joy that intimacy holds. We revel in the moment. But we cannot sustain the level of intimacy without feeling the fear that we somehow, will be lost. In reaction we pull back, gasping for personal space. Our instinctive reaction to pull away is our survival mechanism preserving our individuality. Intimacy at this level cannot be sustained for more than mere moments at a time. If we lived constantly at this energy level we would be exhausted.
So why does the coming apart cause so much drama and feelings of loss? Our expectations are the root of the challenge. We do not always understand the necessity of individuality. In our search for intimacy and connection we often feel that we must remain connected at all times to be whole. This is certainly not the case. In order to be two whole individuals, we must come apart to live our own lives and bring new experiences and ideas back to the joining. We must pull away to again rejoin. This time of separation allows us to live our own experiences, increase our self esteem and come back together with more to offer our partner. The synergy of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. As we increase our self worth through self care and using our tools, we increase the value of our intimate relationships. This is a gift we give ourselves, intimacy.
Why then does the dance cause so much pain and drama in our daily lives? As we come together we feel the rush of closeness and the promise of joy that intimacy holds. We revel in the moment. But we cannot sustain the level of intimacy without feeling the fear that we somehow, will be lost. In reaction we pull back, gasping for personal space. Our instinctive reaction to pull away is our survival mechanism preserving our individuality. Intimacy at this level cannot be sustained for more than mere moments at a time. If we lived constantly at this energy level we would be exhausted.
So why does the coming apart cause so much drama and feelings of loss? Our expectations are the root of the challenge. We do not always understand the necessity of individuality. In our search for intimacy and connection we often feel that we must remain connected at all times to be whole. This is certainly not the case. In order to be two whole individuals, we must come apart to live our own lives and bring new experiences and ideas back to the joining. We must pull away to again rejoin. This time of separation allows us to live our own experiences, increase our self esteem and come back together with more to offer our partner. The synergy of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. As we increase our self worth through self care and using our tools, we increase the value of our intimate relationships. This is a gift we give ourselves, intimacy.
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