There are many articles on trauma and stress. This one is excellent and addresses many of the issues we face in our relationships. It is interesting to note that the field of psychology has determined to give a diagnosis to the condition we in recovery have long termed codependency. As we practice our tools and increase our self esteem we overcome so many of these difficulties in our daily lives. Here are some excerpts from the article for our review.
The Effects of Prolonged Psychological Trauma and Abuse by Brian Trappler, M.D.
There was a time when mental health professionals attempted to fit all trauma-related symptoms into the single category of PTSD. Several years after PTSD was adopted , studies revealed that this diagnosis captured only a limited scope of post-traumatic symptoms.
Several studies of traumatized children reported patterns of unmotivated aggression and impulse control, dissociative symptoms and difficulties negotiating interpersonal relationships. Others studied victims who had survived rape or incest during childhood. Their findings also illustrated problems not captured in PTSD. Instead, these victims appeared to have a compromised sense of safety, self worth, and an inability to self-soothe.
People who have been in any type of prolonged abuse situation, including hostages, abused children and battered spouses, may continue to feel and behave as victims as a result of the sense of danger they felt when they were in the abusive situation... it never passed from their conscious or unconscious memory. Throughout their lives, they describe themselves as feeling emotionally dead inside... other people may see them as being detached. Almost twenty years after psychological effects of trauma had been squeezed into the label of PTSD, there emerged a new term for this syndrome: Complex Trauma.
The following symptoms may occur in people with prolonged histories of inter-personal trauma: disturbances in perception of self and others, patterns of trauma re-enactment, inability to regulate mood, the adoption by victims of the belief systems of their tormentors, a loss of a coherent sense of self, an inability to engage in stable or trusting relationships, and an inability to free themselves from the abuse dynamic. While some victims became abusers themselves, others appeared to become compulsively attracted to predators. By so doing, they continued a repetition-compulsion of their childhood abuse into their adult relationships. Complex trauma may cause changes in the following areas of development:
1. Alterations in mood and impulse control
2. Alterations in attention or consciousness
3. Symptoms of a somatic nature
4. Alterations in self-perception
5. Alterations in relations with others
6. Alterations in perception of the perpetrator
7. Alterations in systems of meaning
Complex Trauma may cause damage to the following areas of interpersonal functioning:
1. The capacity to feel secure and emotionally comfortable in relationships
2. The capacity to feel empowered in relationships with others (via empathic engagement)
3. The skills required for self-awareness.
4. The skills required for affect-regulation and self-soothing
5. The personal sense of boundaries
6. The ability to preserve world beliefs and a sense of meaning
7. The ability to stay anchored and mindful during stress (as opposed to dissociating)
8. The ability to tolerate a full range of emotions without being overwhelmed or shutting down
We can be grateful that we have the tools necessary to combat the effects of trauma, stress and abuse in our daily lives. We practice self care increasing our self esteem and moving ever so steadily toward acceptance. In this way we continue to give ourselves the gift of hope.
Showing posts with label detachment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label detachment. Show all posts
Monday, October 12, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Do You Know the Early Warning Signs of Abuse?
This blog references an excellent post written by Dr. Steven Stosny, as expert in the field of relationship counseling, emotional abuse and domestic violence. We are encouraged to take note of the information provided by Dr. Stosny with regard to very early warning signs in potential partners. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/emotional-abuse-verbal-abuse-very-early-warning-signs
Many of us have been involved in relationships where we have been abused either financially, emotionally or physically. We recall how difficult it was to extricate ourselves from the grip of that relationship. How much we might have appreciated knowing these very early warning signs before we became involved, allowed our inner selves to be crushed, then needed to practice daily self care to rebuild our shattered self esteem.
We thank our Higher Power for our path, our tools, our ability to associate with those who have walked the path before us showing us the light at the end of the tunnel. How much pain we might have avoided had we been aware of these red flags. We have discussed this information time and again, but having it all in one post is an invaluable tool.
In reading Dr. Stosny's post we can marvel at the many items that catch our attention. We read various early warning signs and realize that our partner did in fact do many of these things early on in our relationships. Blaming ourselves for not realizing is unnecessary and hurtful. We must be gentle with ourselves and not go down that road again. We forgive ourselves for not knowing. We are on the right path taking one step forward day by day.
We can feel blessed that we have been on the road to recovery and can now practice self care. We use our tools in our daily lives increasing our self esteem each and every day. We pass along these important points to help others in avoiding these pitfalls. As we reach out to inform others we use our tools to share rather than control. We allow others to make their own decisions and face their own consequences. This is the essence of detachment and self care.
Please read the linked post as pass it along to whomever you believe might benefit from it's content. Consider it a part of your recovery journey, sharing valuable information and life's lessons. Let your Higher Power guide you in your choices to share.
Many of us have been involved in relationships where we have been abused either financially, emotionally or physically. We recall how difficult it was to extricate ourselves from the grip of that relationship. How much we might have appreciated knowing these very early warning signs before we became involved, allowed our inner selves to be crushed, then needed to practice daily self care to rebuild our shattered self esteem.
We thank our Higher Power for our path, our tools, our ability to associate with those who have walked the path before us showing us the light at the end of the tunnel. How much pain we might have avoided had we been aware of these red flags. We have discussed this information time and again, but having it all in one post is an invaluable tool.
In reading Dr. Stosny's post we can marvel at the many items that catch our attention. We read various early warning signs and realize that our partner did in fact do many of these things early on in our relationships. Blaming ourselves for not realizing is unnecessary and hurtful. We must be gentle with ourselves and not go down that road again. We forgive ourselves for not knowing. We are on the right path taking one step forward day by day.
We can feel blessed that we have been on the road to recovery and can now practice self care. We use our tools in our daily lives increasing our self esteem each and every day. We pass along these important points to help others in avoiding these pitfalls. As we reach out to inform others we use our tools to share rather than control. We allow others to make their own decisions and face their own consequences. This is the essence of detachment and self care.
Please read the linked post as pass it along to whomever you believe might benefit from it's content. Consider it a part of your recovery journey, sharing valuable information and life's lessons. Let your Higher Power guide you in your choices to share.
Monday, June 1, 2009
I'm So Mad I Could Just...
What do we do when we feel resentment toward our partner? How do we get past the challenge and renew the loving connection we long to feel once again?
When feeling resentful, our inner voice tells us we want our partner to care about the way we are feeling. This seems a natural state of affairs. To that end we may try to explain why we are upset, give our partner a long list of current and past offenses, cry, become angry, manipulate, use the silent treatment and many other expressions of our displeasure. Our inner child stamps our feet and fusses trying whatever works to draw attention and gain understanding from our partner. The apparent flaw in this logic is that our reaction to our resentful feelings, create exactly what we are trying to overcome... feelings of resentment in our partner. We have treated our partner with the same insensitivity and coarseness that created our initial resentment.
We know how difficult it is to be empathetic toward our partner when we are feeling resentful. We may have been treated in ways that were hurtful and unpleasant. We may feel violated or used. We feel righteous in our indignation. We may be unaware and disinterested in our partners feelings while in this state. We have become insensitive and coarse toward our partner.
Conversely, our partner probably feels exactly the same way toward us now that we are angry and resentful. This is the core of the dilemma. Much as the itch/scratch theory, it is unimportant who began the conflict or resentments, if the goal is to return to loving communication and warmth. The way out is to regain our balance and center ourselves.
We take a time our for self care. We give ourselves some space and alone time. We use that time to reflect on all that has happened leading us to this place of resentment. If we have been using our tools and giving ourselves appropriate self care throughout our recovery, we will slowly be able to see our part in the conflict. Our ownership of the responsibility for our part in the discord enables us to let go of our resentments. We can then approach our partner in love and discuss our differences from our center using detachment.
We use "I" statements focusing ourselves on our part of the problem and making amends where necessary. We ask our partner if we have missed any area of responsibility prior to moving on with the discussion. We give our partner a chance to take personal responsibility themselves before we point out areas of discontent. If we have been diligent in our efforts to be forthcoming our partner may well respond in kind. We can give ourselves credit for having the maturity to respond vs react. Our self esteem flourishes when we treat ourselves, our partner and our relationship with gentleness and dignity. We recall that we create balanced karma when we give what we wish to receive.
In continuing to use our tools we develop the skills we need to overcome resentments in our relationship preventing bitterness from taking root. We practice self care in our daily lives increasing our self esteem each time we succeed in responding vs reacting to the challenges put before us. In this way we give ourselves the gift of honest loving communication.
When feeling resentful, our inner voice tells us we want our partner to care about the way we are feeling. This seems a natural state of affairs. To that end we may try to explain why we are upset, give our partner a long list of current and past offenses, cry, become angry, manipulate, use the silent treatment and many other expressions of our displeasure. Our inner child stamps our feet and fusses trying whatever works to draw attention and gain understanding from our partner. The apparent flaw in this logic is that our reaction to our resentful feelings, create exactly what we are trying to overcome... feelings of resentment in our partner. We have treated our partner with the same insensitivity and coarseness that created our initial resentment.
We know how difficult it is to be empathetic toward our partner when we are feeling resentful. We may have been treated in ways that were hurtful and unpleasant. We may feel violated or used. We feel righteous in our indignation. We may be unaware and disinterested in our partners feelings while in this state. We have become insensitive and coarse toward our partner.
Conversely, our partner probably feels exactly the same way toward us now that we are angry and resentful. This is the core of the dilemma. Much as the itch/scratch theory, it is unimportant who began the conflict or resentments, if the goal is to return to loving communication and warmth. The way out is to regain our balance and center ourselves.
We take a time our for self care. We give ourselves some space and alone time. We use that time to reflect on all that has happened leading us to this place of resentment. If we have been using our tools and giving ourselves appropriate self care throughout our recovery, we will slowly be able to see our part in the conflict. Our ownership of the responsibility for our part in the discord enables us to let go of our resentments. We can then approach our partner in love and discuss our differences from our center using detachment.
We use "I" statements focusing ourselves on our part of the problem and making amends where necessary. We ask our partner if we have missed any area of responsibility prior to moving on with the discussion. We give our partner a chance to take personal responsibility themselves before we point out areas of discontent. If we have been diligent in our efforts to be forthcoming our partner may well respond in kind. We can give ourselves credit for having the maturity to respond vs react. Our self esteem flourishes when we treat ourselves, our partner and our relationship with gentleness and dignity. We recall that we create balanced karma when we give what we wish to receive.
In continuing to use our tools we develop the skills we need to overcome resentments in our relationship preventing bitterness from taking root. We practice self care in our daily lives increasing our self esteem each time we succeed in responding vs reacting to the challenges put before us. In this way we give ourselves the gift of honest loving communication.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Why Am I Getting The Silent Treatment?
What do we do when our partner won't speak to us for an extended period of time following a disagreement? How do we cope with getting the silent treatment?
Partners in relationships don't always agree. Each of us are individuals with our own wants and needs. Sometimes those wants and needs conflict. There are many ways to deal with conflict in relationships. Effective communication is the key to resolving differences between two parties. Each has their own point of view which may have validity. Both need to feel heard and validated for meaningful discussion to take place leading to compromise.
What happens when our partner doesn't participate in communication or compromise? Following a disagreement our partner may retreat within themselves and refuse to talk for an extended period of time. This type of withdrawal can last hours, days or even weeks. This does not mean they are not communicating. The silent treatment is a form of communication. It may be an unpopular form for us, the recipient, but it can be quite effective. Our partner is communicating their feelings quite clearly. Their non-verbal message says,"Do what I want" clear as a bell. It says something else as well. It says, "I am unwilling to listen to your opinion, negotiate or compromise".
This extended period of silence is a form of emotional blackmail. Many partners may need some time to process after a disagreement. However, when the time taken has nothing to do with processing and everything to do with punishing, we are no longer dealing with healthy self care, but with unhealthy emotional blackmail. This type of punishing behavior leaves us out in the cold. Our partner believes they can use their anger and silence to control us.
The unsaid message, however, speaks volumes. The emotional blackmailer is unwilling to communicate in an open forum where we can put forth our opinion. Our partner may feel frightened of direct communication. They may not feel adept at defending their views. Alternatively, the emotional blackmailer may feel shamed regarding their lack of ability to communicate or explain their feelings, leading them to refuse to talk at all. Finally, this may be a habit learned from a dysfunctional family of origin during childhood. If caretakers handled conflict in this manner, this may well be the only style our partner has known.
It is difficult to deal with emotional blackmail. The silent treatment may cause bitterness and resentment over time as partners build walls instead of bridges. Stressing the safety of our partner in the relationship and the importance of communication is a beginning. We, as the communicator, have the responsibility to continue to reach out to our partner with loving detachment.
During times when all is calm and we feel centered, we can lovingly set a boundary with our partner that is comfortable for us regarding the time we will tolerate silence. We then enforce that boundary by detaching when our partner becomes silent. We lovingly let them know that we are going to take care of ourselves and enjoy our time without them. They can contact us by telephone when they are again ready to speak. We reinforce that we are not angry and that we look forward to seeing them again when they feel better.
In this way we give ourselves the freedom to enjoy our time without having to witness their attempt at emotional blackmail. Our partner learns that if they want to enjoy time with us, they cannot continue this mode of behavior. When we reconnect we do so in a loving manner. This leaves our partner to begin to deal with their feelings in a new way. Patience and loving detachment are the keys to moving a relationship past emotional blackmail and the silent treatment. As difficult and time consuming as it may be, it is imperative to ensuring the long term survival of the relationship.
Partners in relationships don't always agree. Each of us are individuals with our own wants and needs. Sometimes those wants and needs conflict. There are many ways to deal with conflict in relationships. Effective communication is the key to resolving differences between two parties. Each has their own point of view which may have validity. Both need to feel heard and validated for meaningful discussion to take place leading to compromise.
What happens when our partner doesn't participate in communication or compromise? Following a disagreement our partner may retreat within themselves and refuse to talk for an extended period of time. This type of withdrawal can last hours, days or even weeks. This does not mean they are not communicating. The silent treatment is a form of communication. It may be an unpopular form for us, the recipient, but it can be quite effective. Our partner is communicating their feelings quite clearly. Their non-verbal message says,"Do what I want" clear as a bell. It says something else as well. It says, "I am unwilling to listen to your opinion, negotiate or compromise".
This extended period of silence is a form of emotional blackmail. Many partners may need some time to process after a disagreement. However, when the time taken has nothing to do with processing and everything to do with punishing, we are no longer dealing with healthy self care, but with unhealthy emotional blackmail. This type of punishing behavior leaves us out in the cold. Our partner believes they can use their anger and silence to control us.
The unsaid message, however, speaks volumes. The emotional blackmailer is unwilling to communicate in an open forum where we can put forth our opinion. Our partner may feel frightened of direct communication. They may not feel adept at defending their views. Alternatively, the emotional blackmailer may feel shamed regarding their lack of ability to communicate or explain their feelings, leading them to refuse to talk at all. Finally, this may be a habit learned from a dysfunctional family of origin during childhood. If caretakers handled conflict in this manner, this may well be the only style our partner has known.
It is difficult to deal with emotional blackmail. The silent treatment may cause bitterness and resentment over time as partners build walls instead of bridges. Stressing the safety of our partner in the relationship and the importance of communication is a beginning. We, as the communicator, have the responsibility to continue to reach out to our partner with loving detachment.
During times when all is calm and we feel centered, we can lovingly set a boundary with our partner that is comfortable for us regarding the time we will tolerate silence. We then enforce that boundary by detaching when our partner becomes silent. We lovingly let them know that we are going to take care of ourselves and enjoy our time without them. They can contact us by telephone when they are again ready to speak. We reinforce that we are not angry and that we look forward to seeing them again when they feel better.
In this way we give ourselves the freedom to enjoy our time without having to witness their attempt at emotional blackmail. Our partner learns that if they want to enjoy time with us, they cannot continue this mode of behavior. When we reconnect we do so in a loving manner. This leaves our partner to begin to deal with their feelings in a new way. Patience and loving detachment are the keys to moving a relationship past emotional blackmail and the silent treatment. As difficult and time consuming as it may be, it is imperative to ensuring the long term survival of the relationship.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I Disliked You The Way You Were, Don't Change!!
What happens in our relationship when we begin our recovery journey? How does our partner respond? These questions often arise when we begin our journey into recovery.
As we adopt a plan to overcome the wounds of the past, we begin to use our newly acquired tools for self care. We may find that we are experiencing new difficulties in our relationship. At first this may seem odd, but when we examine how our new habits effect our daily lives, we can begin to understand the impact on our partner.
We may have had issues that surfaced in much the same ways throughout our relationship. This has become a predictable behavior pattern. When we make changes to our behavior through using our tools, we initially become less predictable. Although this is positive change for both us and our partner in the long view, in the short term the change creates feelings of discomfort. Most of us resist change. We may be unhappy with certain behavior patterns in ourselves or our partner, but we are comfortable within those patterns.
One of the common patterns that surfaces in relationships is caretaking. This occurs when we do for others what they can and should be doing for themselves. We may believe that we are helping, but in actuality we are using help as a mechanism of control. Instead of letting the situation develop naturally, we are attempting to create the outcome that we desire. This may seem harmless enough, however caretaking sets the stage for our partner to feel incompetent, as our behavior insinuates that they cannot take care of themselves.
Initially as we begin using our tools to practice self care, we may be caretaking less and allowing others to do for themselves. Although caretaking is not healthy for either us or our partner, our partner is accustomed to us being in that role and may resist change. These change back messages are temporary and need to be met with loving detachment. We explain that change may be uncomfortable, but have confidence that we and our partner will make the necessary adjustments in time.
Change back messages can be quite intense as our partner becomes increasingly uncomfortable with our new behaviors. As we continue to practice loving detachment and reassurance, we will be able to bridge the gap. It is vital at this juncture that we are gentle with our partner. As we set the example of healthy behavior, we anticipate that our partner may eventually become interested in the recovery process.
As we display the peace and calm that comes through the use of our tools and our increased self esteem, we serve as a living example to our partner and others of the benefits of recovery. In this way we give ourselves and our world the gifts that recovery brings, peace.
As we adopt a plan to overcome the wounds of the past, we begin to use our newly acquired tools for self care. We may find that we are experiencing new difficulties in our relationship. At first this may seem odd, but when we examine how our new habits effect our daily lives, we can begin to understand the impact on our partner.
We may have had issues that surfaced in much the same ways throughout our relationship. This has become a predictable behavior pattern. When we make changes to our behavior through using our tools, we initially become less predictable. Although this is positive change for both us and our partner in the long view, in the short term the change creates feelings of discomfort. Most of us resist change. We may be unhappy with certain behavior patterns in ourselves or our partner, but we are comfortable within those patterns.
One of the common patterns that surfaces in relationships is caretaking. This occurs when we do for others what they can and should be doing for themselves. We may believe that we are helping, but in actuality we are using help as a mechanism of control. Instead of letting the situation develop naturally, we are attempting to create the outcome that we desire. This may seem harmless enough, however caretaking sets the stage for our partner to feel incompetent, as our behavior insinuates that they cannot take care of themselves.
Initially as we begin using our tools to practice self care, we may be caretaking less and allowing others to do for themselves. Although caretaking is not healthy for either us or our partner, our partner is accustomed to us being in that role and may resist change. These change back messages are temporary and need to be met with loving detachment. We explain that change may be uncomfortable, but have confidence that we and our partner will make the necessary adjustments in time.
Change back messages can be quite intense as our partner becomes increasingly uncomfortable with our new behaviors. As we continue to practice loving detachment and reassurance, we will be able to bridge the gap. It is vital at this juncture that we are gentle with our partner. As we set the example of healthy behavior, we anticipate that our partner may eventually become interested in the recovery process.
As we display the peace and calm that comes through the use of our tools and our increased self esteem, we serve as a living example to our partner and others of the benefits of recovery. In this way we give ourselves and our world the gifts that recovery brings, peace.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Nightmares, Flashbacks, Anxiety, Rage… Is This You?
Every so often we have the priviledge to have a guest on the blog. Tonight is one of those special times. I would like to thank Michele Rosenthal for her efforts, research and expertise in this most important area of PTSD. And now, dear followers, here's Michele...
Are you haunted by memories? Do you have nightmares, flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about a traumatic experience? Have you tried to let go but can’t seem to escape anxiety and stress? Do constantly feel you are in danger? Have you shut down emotionally and feel numb? Do you feel detached from yourself, the people around you and the present moment? Do you have trouble connecting emotionally with friends, family, colleagues or lovers? Does it seem impossible to concentrate? Are you unable to surface from depression? Do you get angry and rage at the slightest provocation?
If you answered yes to the majority of these questions you might be struggling with symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You’re not alone. What you may be experiencing is common among millions of people. Recent studies estimate that 70% of all adults in the United States may experience a traumatic event in their lifetime. Of those, up to one in five may develop PTSD. Estimates propose that at any given time 5% of the population may be struggling with PTSD – that’s over 15 million people. That number grows every day and doesn’t include the number of cases remaining undiagnosed.
The good news is, if you’ve recognized yourself you can be on the road to healing.
Medicine.net describes PTSD as,“…an emotional illness that develops as a result of a terribly frightening, life-threatening, or otherwise highly unsafe experience. PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way, tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event ... and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences.”
PTSD surfaces throughout civilian and military history as an extreme emotional reaction to either being involved in or witnessing overwhelming circumstances. In addition to war, the causes of PTSD include natural disasters, domestic violence, rape, physical assault, child abuse, terrorism, random acts of violence and major catastrophic events such as plane crashes, car accidents and industrial calamities.
That’s a long list. We survive all kinds of calamities and can be left with the task of recovering from survival. Trauma changes us. We need to be able to adapt and carry on. It’s tough to do this when the past may have us in it’s tight grasp. We can use our conscious brain, to decide to be done with what happened, but it’s not always possible. Trauma can be hard wired into our sub-conscious mind which determines to protect us from harm. The fact that the danger no longer exists is immaterial, the subconscious continues to function as if it does. This may cause us to live in the shadow of fear and uncertainty, unable to move forward with our lives.
In addition to one on one talk therapy there are other treatments that may lessen the effect of trauma. Some examples, as recommended by the American Psychiatric Association, http://www.healthyminds.org/multimedia/ptsd.pdf , include: Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Exposure Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Family Therapy, and Peer Discussion Group Therapy.
If you believe you or someone you love may be suffering from PTSD you may wish to take the PTSD self test available on line through the Anxiety Disorder Association of America. http://www.adaa.org/GettingHelp/SelfHelpTests/selftest_PTSD.asp . For more information on PTSD contact the National Mental Health Association on line at http://www.nmha.org/.
Healing PTSD begins with our decision to conquer the past and create the future. Regardless of how we feel, the choice to heal is always ours. Commit today!!
Michele Rosenthal
parasitesof.themind@yahoo.com
http://parasitesofthemind.blogspot.com -
A blog about PTSD awareness, education, treatment & self-empowered healing.
Are you haunted by memories? Do you have nightmares, flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about a traumatic experience? Have you tried to let go but can’t seem to escape anxiety and stress? Do constantly feel you are in danger? Have you shut down emotionally and feel numb? Do you feel detached from yourself, the people around you and the present moment? Do you have trouble connecting emotionally with friends, family, colleagues or lovers? Does it seem impossible to concentrate? Are you unable to surface from depression? Do you get angry and rage at the slightest provocation?
If you answered yes to the majority of these questions you might be struggling with symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You’re not alone. What you may be experiencing is common among millions of people. Recent studies estimate that 70% of all adults in the United States may experience a traumatic event in their lifetime. Of those, up to one in five may develop PTSD. Estimates propose that at any given time 5% of the population may be struggling with PTSD – that’s over 15 million people. That number grows every day and doesn’t include the number of cases remaining undiagnosed.
The good news is, if you’ve recognized yourself you can be on the road to healing.
Medicine.net describes PTSD as,“…an emotional illness that develops as a result of a terribly frightening, life-threatening, or otherwise highly unsafe experience. PTSD sufferers re-experience the traumatic event or events in some way, tend to avoid places, people, or other things that remind them of the event ... and are exquisitely sensitive to normal life experiences.”
PTSD surfaces throughout civilian and military history as an extreme emotional reaction to either being involved in or witnessing overwhelming circumstances. In addition to war, the causes of PTSD include natural disasters, domestic violence, rape, physical assault, child abuse, terrorism, random acts of violence and major catastrophic events such as plane crashes, car accidents and industrial calamities.
That’s a long list. We survive all kinds of calamities and can be left with the task of recovering from survival. Trauma changes us. We need to be able to adapt and carry on. It’s tough to do this when the past may have us in it’s tight grasp. We can use our conscious brain, to decide to be done with what happened, but it’s not always possible. Trauma can be hard wired into our sub-conscious mind which determines to protect us from harm. The fact that the danger no longer exists is immaterial, the subconscious continues to function as if it does. This may cause us to live in the shadow of fear and uncertainty, unable to move forward with our lives.
In addition to one on one talk therapy there are other treatments that may lessen the effect of trauma. Some examples, as recommended by the American Psychiatric Association, http://www.healthyminds.org/multimedia/ptsd.pdf , include: Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Exposure Therapy, Psychodynamic Therapy, Family Therapy, and Peer Discussion Group Therapy.
If you believe you or someone you love may be suffering from PTSD you may wish to take the PTSD self test available on line through the Anxiety Disorder Association of America. http://www.adaa.org/GettingHelp/SelfHelpTests/selftest_PTSD.asp . For more information on PTSD contact the National Mental Health Association on line at http://www.nmha.org/.
Healing PTSD begins with our decision to conquer the past and create the future. Regardless of how we feel, the choice to heal is always ours. Commit today!!
Michele Rosenthal
parasitesof.themind@yahoo.com
http://parasitesofthemind.blogspot.com -
A blog about PTSD awareness, education, treatment & self-empowered healing.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I Just Can't Find the Words
We are on our way out for the day with our partner. We laugh and hold hands as we leave the house. One of the kids has again left their bike out on the lawn. They have been asked to put it in the garage countless times. Our partner gets upset, picks up the bike and puts it in the garage, making a few angry comments in the process. We say nothing and continue on to the car to wait for our partner to join us.
As we drive away we notice our partner is silent. We ask if they are all right and receive a short clipped, yes. Obviously everything is not all right. We feel that they are asking to be drawn out and once again ask gently if all is well. The explosion that follows lasts only seconds, but rocks us to our core. We are stunned by the intensity of the emotional outburst. We sit in hurt silence for a few moments then ask for an explanation. We are told nothing.
Does this seem all too familiar? In cave man times looking into the face of a predator didn't require thought, just reflexive action to keep us alive. That age old survival response system still takes over when we feel threatened. We may no longer be looking into the face of a predator, but our threat response is just as strong. Intense emotions cause our thinking brain, the cerebral cortex, to shut off. The last thing we need when staring into the face of a lion are random thoughts to distract us from surviving. Today's lion may be something as inconsequential as the kids bike or the credit card bill.
Our ability to rebound, after a perceived threat causes our survival response to kick in, is an indication of our emotional health. For some, the thinking and processing of strong emotions is so painful that it can take many hours. This can leave the other party wondering what has gone wrong. Here is where effective communication becomes paramount. In the example above, the overwhelmed party can let their partner know that they are unable to process their feelings as of yet, but will get back to the issue as soon as they can. This gives the overwhelmed partner time to process their emotions and associated feelings, and lets the other party know that these hurtful actions will be talked about at some point.
Children who have lived in a home with much chaos and drama may have no one to teach them how to regain their emotional center when they feel threatened. They may be left to cope on their own with virtually no skills. Many children find numbing themselves the safest way to overcome the extreme pain that being emotionally abandoned brings. As adults, the lack of coping skills that would normally be developed during childhood, makes dealing with strong emotions unbearable. To avoid processing the intense feelings that are associated with survival emotions, these adults still use their childhood defense mechanisms. They shut down and feel nothing. This leaves their partners and family feeling unimportant, ignored and unloved. However, nothing could be farther from the truth. Being numb, even for a time, protected them as children from the trauma of emotional abandonment. These adults can learn to feel strong emotions a little at a time.
With our tools and ability to apply consistent self care in our daily lives, we can cope effectively with a partner who may find strong emotions overwhelming. As our partner learns to practice self care and use their tools, they can begin to process strong emotions more effectively. In this way we practice commitment in our relationship and detachment from our partner as we both grow in our ability to communicate and compromise.
As we drive away we notice our partner is silent. We ask if they are all right and receive a short clipped, yes. Obviously everything is not all right. We feel that they are asking to be drawn out and once again ask gently if all is well. The explosion that follows lasts only seconds, but rocks us to our core. We are stunned by the intensity of the emotional outburst. We sit in hurt silence for a few moments then ask for an explanation. We are told nothing.
Does this seem all too familiar? In cave man times looking into the face of a predator didn't require thought, just reflexive action to keep us alive. That age old survival response system still takes over when we feel threatened. We may no longer be looking into the face of a predator, but our threat response is just as strong. Intense emotions cause our thinking brain, the cerebral cortex, to shut off. The last thing we need when staring into the face of a lion are random thoughts to distract us from surviving. Today's lion may be something as inconsequential as the kids bike or the credit card bill.
Our ability to rebound, after a perceived threat causes our survival response to kick in, is an indication of our emotional health. For some, the thinking and processing of strong emotions is so painful that it can take many hours. This can leave the other party wondering what has gone wrong. Here is where effective communication becomes paramount. In the example above, the overwhelmed party can let their partner know that they are unable to process their feelings as of yet, but will get back to the issue as soon as they can. This gives the overwhelmed partner time to process their emotions and associated feelings, and lets the other party know that these hurtful actions will be talked about at some point.
Children who have lived in a home with much chaos and drama may have no one to teach them how to regain their emotional center when they feel threatened. They may be left to cope on their own with virtually no skills. Many children find numbing themselves the safest way to overcome the extreme pain that being emotionally abandoned brings. As adults, the lack of coping skills that would normally be developed during childhood, makes dealing with strong emotions unbearable. To avoid processing the intense feelings that are associated with survival emotions, these adults still use their childhood defense mechanisms. They shut down and feel nothing. This leaves their partners and family feeling unimportant, ignored and unloved. However, nothing could be farther from the truth. Being numb, even for a time, protected them as children from the trauma of emotional abandonment. These adults can learn to feel strong emotions a little at a time.
With our tools and ability to apply consistent self care in our daily lives, we can cope effectively with a partner who may find strong emotions overwhelming. As our partner learns to practice self care and use their tools, they can begin to process strong emotions more effectively. In this way we practice commitment in our relationship and detachment from our partner as we both grow in our ability to communicate and compromise.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Family
Family... that word can conjure up such mixed emotions. For some, there is great anticipation of the next visit and pleasant memories of the past. For others, there is much trepidation. Will this time be okay, or will Dad blow his fuse? Will Mom drink too much? Will Brother steal again? Will Sister be high again?
Our family of origin can be a place of nurturing or of dysfunction. As we walk down our path of recovery, time with our families can be plagued with discomfort. We are no longer participating in the denial and white washing that has been the status quo since we were children. We clearly see the elephant in the living room. How do we continue to have relationships with our families when they are not on a path to recovery? What do we do to practice self care when faced with the dysfunctional patterns of our family of origin?
We begin by realizing that those who come to recovery do so in their own time. We cannot force another to take those first steps anymore than we can force a dog to become a cat. Each of us has within us a locked door leading to change that can only be opened from the inside. Our only path is that of detachment and acceptance. We can dislike the behavior that our father displays when he loses his temper, but we continue to love the person within. We can feel dismay when our mother drinks excessively, but we still love the individual. We can be angered by our brother's stealing, yet love him regardless. We can feel disappointment that our sister continues to abuse her body with drugs, but continue to love the human being.
We separate the person's actions, which we find offensive, from the person within, the human being, realizing that all are fallible. We try to accept that each of the members of our family are simply people with problems. We focus on what we can do to take care of ourselves. We use our tools to keep ourselves centered. We try to keep a healthy perspective throughout our visit. When we are able, we take time to practice self care. We use our tools: journaling, taking a time out, walking, calling a trusted friend, just to name a few. We can limit our visit if necessary. We can listen if someone needs to talk, but we try not to get pulled into the old family drama. We try not to take the bait. This can be a very difficult balancing act requiring much effort at living in the moment. We try to enjoy what we can while we are with our family.
We may not be successful during our first attempts. We will be better over time as we practice. Recovery is always three steps forward and two steps back. We practice patience with ourselves as we continue on our path, using our tools and practicing self care. In this way we give ourselves the gift of possibilities. Possibilities of relationships with our family based on honesty.
Our family of origin can be a place of nurturing or of dysfunction. As we walk down our path of recovery, time with our families can be plagued with discomfort. We are no longer participating in the denial and white washing that has been the status quo since we were children. We clearly see the elephant in the living room. How do we continue to have relationships with our families when they are not on a path to recovery? What do we do to practice self care when faced with the dysfunctional patterns of our family of origin?
We begin by realizing that those who come to recovery do so in their own time. We cannot force another to take those first steps anymore than we can force a dog to become a cat. Each of us has within us a locked door leading to change that can only be opened from the inside. Our only path is that of detachment and acceptance. We can dislike the behavior that our father displays when he loses his temper, but we continue to love the person within. We can feel dismay when our mother drinks excessively, but we still love the individual. We can be angered by our brother's stealing, yet love him regardless. We can feel disappointment that our sister continues to abuse her body with drugs, but continue to love the human being.
We separate the person's actions, which we find offensive, from the person within, the human being, realizing that all are fallible. We try to accept that each of the members of our family are simply people with problems. We focus on what we can do to take care of ourselves. We use our tools to keep ourselves centered. We try to keep a healthy perspective throughout our visit. When we are able, we take time to practice self care. We use our tools: journaling, taking a time out, walking, calling a trusted friend, just to name a few. We can limit our visit if necessary. We can listen if someone needs to talk, but we try not to get pulled into the old family drama. We try not to take the bait. This can be a very difficult balancing act requiring much effort at living in the moment. We try to enjoy what we can while we are with our family.
We may not be successful during our first attempts. We will be better over time as we practice. Recovery is always three steps forward and two steps back. We practice patience with ourselves as we continue on our path, using our tools and practicing self care. In this way we give ourselves the gift of possibilities. Possibilities of relationships with our family based on honesty.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Dearest Readers
Dearest readers... absence from my blog for the last three days has been the result of a family difficulty that erupted during this past week. This was a dose of reality that was quite distasteful. Fortunately I was able to reach into my tool bag and find that I had the tools to help me get through this very difficult time. I used all the tools available to ease my stress.
After the initial shock coursed through my system, I got a jolt of adrenaline. My mind began to focus on assembling the information I would need to make the decisions that might lie ahead. I began by assessing the situation. I then called those who could inform me as to the options available and the probable course of action that would occur. I followed by informing those who might be of assistance. I then proceeded to my home to do some sorely needed self care and avail myself of support.
I had no other choice but to await the outcome. There was no path available for my involvement. This was the hardest part of all... waiting for results which might take hours or days. I took this waiting time to practice detachment, letting go, prayer, trusting in my higher power, allowing myself to receive love and support, and the wisdom of the flow of the universe. I read a wise thought: take a lesson from the clock, it passes time by keeping it's hands busy. I kept myself busy over the course of the next three days. It was a very difficult time, but I was able to keep myself centered and calm as much as possible. I am grateful that I have practiced using my tools in my daily life. They are always with me. I would not have made it through this extremely stressful time without them. I trust that my higher power has a plan for my life and those in my family.
I share these thought with you, dear readers, that you might have the belief and confidence in the tools that we share to practice using them in your daily lives. When we are tested, as happens in each and every life, we will be adept at using our tools. We will be able to get ourselves through the trials we face. We will emerge with increased self esteem, believing that we can triumph regardless of our circumstances. We are the sum of our values and beliefs. We can rely on ourselves to make appropriate choices. We are capable.
After the initial shock coursed through my system, I got a jolt of adrenaline. My mind began to focus on assembling the information I would need to make the decisions that might lie ahead. I began by assessing the situation. I then called those who could inform me as to the options available and the probable course of action that would occur. I followed by informing those who might be of assistance. I then proceeded to my home to do some sorely needed self care and avail myself of support.
I had no other choice but to await the outcome. There was no path available for my involvement. This was the hardest part of all... waiting for results which might take hours or days. I took this waiting time to practice detachment, letting go, prayer, trusting in my higher power, allowing myself to receive love and support, and the wisdom of the flow of the universe. I read a wise thought: take a lesson from the clock, it passes time by keeping it's hands busy. I kept myself busy over the course of the next three days. It was a very difficult time, but I was able to keep myself centered and calm as much as possible. I am grateful that I have practiced using my tools in my daily life. They are always with me. I would not have made it through this extremely stressful time without them. I trust that my higher power has a plan for my life and those in my family.
I share these thought with you, dear readers, that you might have the belief and confidence in the tools that we share to practice using them in your daily lives. When we are tested, as happens in each and every life, we will be adept at using our tools. We will be able to get ourselves through the trials we face. We will emerge with increased self esteem, believing that we can triumph regardless of our circumstances. We are the sum of our values and beliefs. We can rely on ourselves to make appropriate choices. We are capable.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Detachment
Detachment... what exactly does a word like that mean? When we feel like our heads are swimming from all the drama and confusion around us... when all the things we have done to try to "fix" the problem have failed... when we are so obsessed with the problem that we can no longer see any solutions... that is when we become willing to look at our situation in a new way and we try detachment.
Detachment does not mean abandoning, running from, leaving, or ignoring the problem. It does mean that we separate ourselves from the issues that are not ours to solve and focus instead on the ones we can work through... our own. We stop trying to control outcomes and force results and instead accept that we must remove ourselves from the situation and let the consequences fall where they may. If we have, in some way, added to the problem, we accept responsibility for our part and make our amends. Otherwise, we step back and let the person who has caused the problem suffer the proverbial consequences of their actions. We do this because we are too exhausted to keep carrying all the responsibility for the problems of both ourselves and others. Once we stop being responsible for others problems and step back, miraculously they will begin to take responsibility for their own lives and free us to do the same.
In this way we experience a paradigm shift that allows us to finally see our part in the drama. We will get plenty of "change back messages" from those who suddenly have to be responsible for their own lives. As we persist in self care and minding our own business we will find that others will eventually do the same. It may not be easy, it may feel awkward at first, but we will get used to it. We will learn to take care of ourselves and practice healthy self care principles throughout our daily lives.
Detachment does not mean abandoning, running from, leaving, or ignoring the problem. It does mean that we separate ourselves from the issues that are not ours to solve and focus instead on the ones we can work through... our own. We stop trying to control outcomes and force results and instead accept that we must remove ourselves from the situation and let the consequences fall where they may. If we have, in some way, added to the problem, we accept responsibility for our part and make our amends. Otherwise, we step back and let the person who has caused the problem suffer the proverbial consequences of their actions. We do this because we are too exhausted to keep carrying all the responsibility for the problems of both ourselves and others. Once we stop being responsible for others problems and step back, miraculously they will begin to take responsibility for their own lives and free us to do the same.
In this way we experience a paradigm shift that allows us to finally see our part in the drama. We will get plenty of "change back messages" from those who suddenly have to be responsible for their own lives. As we persist in self care and minding our own business we will find that others will eventually do the same. It may not be easy, it may feel awkward at first, but we will get used to it. We will learn to take care of ourselves and practice healthy self care principles throughout our daily lives.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
