If you don't want the truth... don't ask me. If you want something sugarcoated... go eat a donut.
Today while surfing online I read a post that struck me. It really got me thinking... do we want to hear the truth when we come to a counselor looking for support? Or are we just there to have someone reinforce our own point of view? Are we looking for truth or validation?
Personally, I think we attend counseling to allow another to tell us the truth. It may be the awful truth... it may be something we'd rather not hear... but in the end what we really desire is for someone... anyone... to finally be 100% honest with us.
Why do I think that is the case? Because for many of us we have been deceived and manipulated by others for so long that we doubt our ability to discern the truth. We have lost our innate trust in our own gut.
It may have happened when we were kids and our parents refused to discuss the elephant in the room... an alcoholic or abusive parent or sibling for example... and we began to believe that somehow we were wrong. We saw that elephant... didn't they? Why wouldn't they talk to us about it? Why did they insist it wasn't there? Were we unable to properly distinguish reality? They are big... we are small... they know what's real... we don't. We are scared by this difference in perception. In order to feel safe we decide to believe they are right.
Here we are... many years later. We try to select a partner with whom to create a life. We pick someone who "feels right". All goes well at first... we then discover we have chosen a person who mirrors some of the same dysfunction we experienced in our childhoods. It "felt right" because as dysfunctional as our childhoods may have been... it's comfortable... familiar.
Years pass and we and our partner drift apart. We come to counseling and we vent... we cry... we allow ourselves to be seen in all our pain. We want answers. We want someone... anyone... to finally tell us why this happened in our relationship.
Finally we begin to see the truth. We are told something in counseling that infuriates us and realize we are still reacting to the same old pain. Sometimes we read a book and see ourselves in a new light. Sometimes others situations are similar and we learn from their wisdom. However it happens... we learn more about ourselves through the process.
In the end we come through the experience with new wisdom... an inner strength we never knew existed... and discover serenity and acceptance.
Showing posts with label support. Show all posts
Showing posts with label support. Show all posts
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Support - Balcony People
When our relationships hit a rough spot how do we cope? What do we do to garner support?
We reach out to those who have gone before us... counselors... friends... folks we meet in group or at meetings. We read books and articles written by those with wisdom and experience. We search our soul for realization of our part.
Relationships are like a dance... we must see our steps clearly. We must look with eyes unclouded by poor judgement and unresolved issues to see truth. It isn't easy to see our part... especially if we are hurt, sad or angry... but if we are to come through the difficult times back to a state of joy we must accept that we too have contributed to the problems we face... that our partner is not the only one to blame.
As we point our finger at our partner we realize that three fingers point right back at us. We too share in the issues... have perpetrated the hurts... have added to the pain. If we are to clear the air and begin anew we must own our part of the problem.
As we go through the toughest part of the process we know that there is light at the end of the tunnel... and it isn't an oncoming train.
Many have survived the road we are walking. They are all here with hands outstretched... reaching for us... cheering us on as we do the next right thing... as we walk the talk.
Yes, it's humbling... and jumbling too. We feel confused... angry... sad... hurt... devastated... overhwelmed... depressed... and much more. But there are so many watching us take one step at a time... praying for us... pleading with us not to give up.
They are all here along the side of the path... cheering... shouting our name in joy... waiting for us to come far enough along that we too can join on the sidelines and begin to cheer for the next one to walk this long and winding road.
They are shouting... Can you hear us? Can you see us?
We reach out to those who have gone before us... counselors... friends... folks we meet in group or at meetings. We read books and articles written by those with wisdom and experience. We search our soul for realization of our part.
Relationships are like a dance... we must see our steps clearly. We must look with eyes unclouded by poor judgement and unresolved issues to see truth. It isn't easy to see our part... especially if we are hurt, sad or angry... but if we are to come through the difficult times back to a state of joy we must accept that we too have contributed to the problems we face... that our partner is not the only one to blame.
As we point our finger at our partner we realize that three fingers point right back at us. We too share in the issues... have perpetrated the hurts... have added to the pain. If we are to clear the air and begin anew we must own our part of the problem.
As we go through the toughest part of the process we know that there is light at the end of the tunnel... and it isn't an oncoming train.
Many have survived the road we are walking. They are all here with hands outstretched... reaching for us... cheering us on as we do the next right thing... as we walk the talk.
Yes, it's humbling... and jumbling too. We feel confused... angry... sad... hurt... devastated... overhwelmed... depressed... and much more. But there are so many watching us take one step at a time... praying for us... pleading with us not to give up.
They are all here along the side of the path... cheering... shouting our name in joy... waiting for us to come far enough along that we too can join on the sidelines and begin to cheer for the next one to walk this long and winding road.
They are shouting... Can you hear us? Can you see us?
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Am I a Support or a Burden?
How we cope when our partner is having a rough day is important. Are we a person who helps make the difficulties lighter? Or are we someone who drags our partner down even more when times are hard for them?
We may not always have a choice about what happens in a day, but we have a choice in how we respond to the presenting challenge. We can meet challenges with gratefulness, realizing that we are learning a necessary lesson for our or our partners growth. Or, we can meet it with angst and hostility, feeling resentment that our plans have been altered against our wishes.
How we respond when our partner is wrestling with an issue is vital. If we maintain our composure, keep our response appropriate yet positive and try to see the benefit, we can enhance our partners surroundings.
If we succumb to the temptation to wallow in self pity and regret we may add fuel to our partners fire, possibly helping to derail their attempt to maintain composure. Or, worse yet, we may become an additional challenge in their day.
The last thing we want to do is to make our partners day more difficult when they are already stressed out about a challenge they are facing. One of the purposes of a relationship is to be a support to one another when difficulties arise. Our role of supporter is never more vital than at a time when our partner is in crisis.
We use our tools to remain centered, exercise patience, exhibit compassion and offer our assistance when appropriate. In this way we allow our partner the space and time necessary to solve their own challenges, while remaining available, should the need arise for our help to be requested. In this way we give our partner the gift of support.
We may not always have a choice about what happens in a day, but we have a choice in how we respond to the presenting challenge. We can meet challenges with gratefulness, realizing that we are learning a necessary lesson for our or our partners growth. Or, we can meet it with angst and hostility, feeling resentment that our plans have been altered against our wishes.
How we respond when our partner is wrestling with an issue is vital. If we maintain our composure, keep our response appropriate yet positive and try to see the benefit, we can enhance our partners surroundings.
If we succumb to the temptation to wallow in self pity and regret we may add fuel to our partners fire, possibly helping to derail their attempt to maintain composure. Or, worse yet, we may become an additional challenge in their day.
The last thing we want to do is to make our partners day more difficult when they are already stressed out about a challenge they are facing. One of the purposes of a relationship is to be a support to one another when difficulties arise. Our role of supporter is never more vital than at a time when our partner is in crisis.
We use our tools to remain centered, exercise patience, exhibit compassion and offer our assistance when appropriate. In this way we allow our partner the space and time necessary to solve their own challenges, while remaining available, should the need arise for our help to be requested. In this way we give our partner the gift of support.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Am I Enhancing My Relationship?
What makes one relationship work while another falters? What steps can we take to preserve our partnership?
There are habits that we can create in our relationship that may help us feel more connected with one another. These are simple choices we make each day that can make the difference between happiness and emptiness.
Going to bed at the same time each night where possible gives partners the chance to snuggle and reconnect in a physical way after a long day of being apart. Our skin responds to touch by releasing chemicals that help us relax. Snuggling may help us fall asleep more easily and feel connected in a positive way.
Having shared interests is important for us to flourish in a partnership. We bring ourselves to the relationship as a gift. If the gift we bring is filled with interests and fun we add a great deal of positive energy to our relationship. Cultivating our own lives as well as common interests is paramount to a healthy balanced partnership.
Letting our partner know that we are proud to be seen with them is vital. We show our pride in our relationship by encouraging touch when we are with others. We may hold hands, or rest our arm in theirs. We may walk with fingers entwined or lean against one another while sitting. All these gestures allow our partner to feel the sense of pride we share in our partnership.
Assume the best. When we are in a committed relationship we are bound to make mistakes as is our partner. When we begin by assuming the best we are giving our partner the benefit of the doubt. We allow ourselves to make our first priority trust and faith in our partner, that they did not intend to cause harm. If harm was caused, we display forgiveness as we would want to be forgiven when we falter.
The old saying, accentuate the positive... eliminate the negative... applies well in relationships. We tend to see the glass as either half full or half empty. If we have learned to see the world through an optimistic view we are more likely to have positive outcomes. We learn to overlook the tiny annoyances that all relationships endure and focus on the areas we enjoy in our partner. We too have annoying attributes and wish our irritations to be overlooked.
Make it a habit to check in with one another during the day. We offer our partner support, love, encouragement and allow ourselves to get a glimpse of how our partners day is progressing. This is an invaluable tool in assessing how our partner may be feeling later on in the evening. If we are aware of the stresses they have dealt with during the day we can be more prepared for their energy level later on and adjust our expectations accordingly.
Make your first encounter after a long absence, such as a day at work, positive. A smile and hug or kiss at first reunion paves the way for positive feelings they may last well into the remainder of the day. Showing our partner how pleased we are to see them again is well worth the effort.
There are habits that we can create in our relationship that may help us feel more connected with one another. These are simple choices we make each day that can make the difference between happiness and emptiness.
Going to bed at the same time each night where possible gives partners the chance to snuggle and reconnect in a physical way after a long day of being apart. Our skin responds to touch by releasing chemicals that help us relax. Snuggling may help us fall asleep more easily and feel connected in a positive way.
Having shared interests is important for us to flourish in a partnership. We bring ourselves to the relationship as a gift. If the gift we bring is filled with interests and fun we add a great deal of positive energy to our relationship. Cultivating our own lives as well as common interests is paramount to a healthy balanced partnership.
Letting our partner know that we are proud to be seen with them is vital. We show our pride in our relationship by encouraging touch when we are with others. We may hold hands, or rest our arm in theirs. We may walk with fingers entwined or lean against one another while sitting. All these gestures allow our partner to feel the sense of pride we share in our partnership.
Assume the best. When we are in a committed relationship we are bound to make mistakes as is our partner. When we begin by assuming the best we are giving our partner the benefit of the doubt. We allow ourselves to make our first priority trust and faith in our partner, that they did not intend to cause harm. If harm was caused, we display forgiveness as we would want to be forgiven when we falter.
The old saying, accentuate the positive... eliminate the negative... applies well in relationships. We tend to see the glass as either half full or half empty. If we have learned to see the world through an optimistic view we are more likely to have positive outcomes. We learn to overlook the tiny annoyances that all relationships endure and focus on the areas we enjoy in our partner. We too have annoying attributes and wish our irritations to be overlooked.
Make it a habit to check in with one another during the day. We offer our partner support, love, encouragement and allow ourselves to get a glimpse of how our partners day is progressing. This is an invaluable tool in assessing how our partner may be feeling later on in the evening. If we are aware of the stresses they have dealt with during the day we can be more prepared for their energy level later on and adjust our expectations accordingly.
Make your first encounter after a long absence, such as a day at work, positive. A smile and hug or kiss at first reunion paves the way for positive feelings they may last well into the remainder of the day. Showing our partner how pleased we are to see them again is well worth the effort.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Does Our Relationship Need A Patch?
What do we do when we hit a rough patch in our relationship? How do we make it through to the other side?
All long term committed relationships find they hit difficult times at some point. Partners suffer disappointments in their lives and these effect the relationship. Health issues can cause much stress and strain during times of illness, whether it's a member of the partnership or an extended family member. Body changes that occur during menopause and andropause may cause challenging times within a relationship. There may be times when one or both of the partners suffers the loss of a loved one. All these situations have the capacity to temporarily derail the partnership.
How do we get back on track? What can we do to minimize the damage? How do we support our partner, or garner support when we need it?
The key to getting out relationship back on track is regaining our balance. Life is not always easy or fair. This is a truism that each of us comes to accept in our own time. Wonderful people get horrible diseases and die young. Cruel people may benefit via the destruction of others throughout their lifetimes. The hardest thing about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is what each of us will face at some point in our lives.
We regain our balance by practicing acceptance and gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for in our daily lives. We try our best to focus on those things. We practice empathy and compassion for our partner as they struggle with their issues or losses. Change and the ensuing adjustment to those changes is difficult and painful. We do the best that we can to offer comfort and compassion to our partner as they face reality. This does not mean that we become another's doormat. We continue to practice self care, recognizing that healthy boundaries are an integral part of our healthy relationship. We may decide to overlook some unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to be compassionate, so long as they do not affect our self esteem.
When we are the one facing difficult times we try to be as calm as possible. We explain our situation in as much detail as we can to our partner, so as to provide them with the necessary information to cope with our difficulty. We try to be specific in our request for support letting our needs be known and not assuming that our partner will know what to do to help us. When we need to vent or be heard we explain that we don't actually need our partner to do anything but listen and be empathetic. In this way we free our partner from feeling impotent in the situation. We take time each day to practice self care, especially paying attention to our stress levels and using our tools (meditation, breathing, guided imagery, pampering) to manage them within acceptable limits.
When the challenges have passed the key to regaining intimacy and balance is gratefulness. We make sure we share with our partner how important their support has been throughout the ordeal, noting specific instances where their efforts have produced positive results for us. This type of validation and appreciation brings closure to the event and gives the supporting partner the proverbial shot in the arm they deserve for standing by us throughout the ordeal.
Compassion and empathy displayed often yields compassion and empathy returned. We attract what we are... not what we want. As long as we remember this ultimate truth we will be clear about how we are to behave in our relationships.
All long term committed relationships find they hit difficult times at some point. Partners suffer disappointments in their lives and these effect the relationship. Health issues can cause much stress and strain during times of illness, whether it's a member of the partnership or an extended family member. Body changes that occur during menopause and andropause may cause challenging times within a relationship. There may be times when one or both of the partners suffers the loss of a loved one. All these situations have the capacity to temporarily derail the partnership.
How do we get back on track? What can we do to minimize the damage? How do we support our partner, or garner support when we need it?
The key to getting out relationship back on track is regaining our balance. Life is not always easy or fair. This is a truism that each of us comes to accept in our own time. Wonderful people get horrible diseases and die young. Cruel people may benefit via the destruction of others throughout their lifetimes. The hardest thing about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is what each of us will face at some point in our lives.
We regain our balance by practicing acceptance and gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for in our daily lives. We try our best to focus on those things. We practice empathy and compassion for our partner as they struggle with their issues or losses. Change and the ensuing adjustment to those changes is difficult and painful. We do the best that we can to offer comfort and compassion to our partner as they face reality. This does not mean that we become another's doormat. We continue to practice self care, recognizing that healthy boundaries are an integral part of our healthy relationship. We may decide to overlook some unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to be compassionate, so long as they do not affect our self esteem.
When we are the one facing difficult times we try to be as calm as possible. We explain our situation in as much detail as we can to our partner, so as to provide them with the necessary information to cope with our difficulty. We try to be specific in our request for support letting our needs be known and not assuming that our partner will know what to do to help us. When we need to vent or be heard we explain that we don't actually need our partner to do anything but listen and be empathetic. In this way we free our partner from feeling impotent in the situation. We take time each day to practice self care, especially paying attention to our stress levels and using our tools (meditation, breathing, guided imagery, pampering) to manage them within acceptable limits.
When the challenges have passed the key to regaining intimacy and balance is gratefulness. We make sure we share with our partner how important their support has been throughout the ordeal, noting specific instances where their efforts have produced positive results for us. This type of validation and appreciation brings closure to the event and gives the supporting partner the proverbial shot in the arm they deserve for standing by us throughout the ordeal.
Compassion and empathy displayed often yields compassion and empathy returned. We attract what we are... not what we want. As long as we remember this ultimate truth we will be clear about how we are to behave in our relationships.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Parents, Step Parents and Children's Needs
Children need two parents in their lives, whether they are married to one another or not. They also need stability and routine to help them feel grounded, keep their world orderly and allow them to feel safe. There is much psychological evidence to support those facts. Some parents may forget at times that our children are developing and have different needs than we do as adults.
Step parents often have a difficult time adjusting to the fact that their role is limited. They may want to impress their new partner with their ability to handle the kids, or make a new home, or make their new partner feel like they are a family. None of this is relevant because none of it is actually about what is best for the kids.
Step parents do have a role, which is best described as making a safe place for kids to live or visit (whichever is appropriate), and being a support to the rules set down by the biological parents. If the step parent and the biological parents can work out at way to effectively cooperate this is actually the best situation for the kids. In that case there is little friction and the kids needs are put first. Many times, however, this does not happen and parents must choose how to manage their personal lives and their children's lives effectively.
Children's lives need routine, stability, safety and certainty. They need to know that both Mom and Dad still love them and will make time with them a priority. They need to see their biological parent alone some of the time to feel valued and important. Parents also need time to be adults and bond with their new partner. It may not be appropriate for parents to share time with their new partner when the kids are present soon after a split.
Studies have shown that kids should be given time to grieve the loss of the family unit without being expected to form any new bonds. This can take time - each child is different, but up to two years or more can be needed for some children. Even then, the introduction of a new partner for a parent is wrenching for a child because it underlines the fact that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together - the dream for which the child secretly hopes.
Parents are not expected to put their adult lives on hold for their children indefinitely, however, it is reasonable for parents to keep their adult lives separate from the lives they lead with their children for as long as possible to give their children a chance to heal. Remember, children have no say in divorce, they cannot get what they really want... Mom and Dad back together again in a happy family. Since they can't get what they want, is it really so hard for us adults to give them the time to heal from their grief by giving them what they need? Security, safety, stability, boundaries, love, attention and the feeling of being valued as a person.
Children will make relationships with their step parents in their own time and in their own way. They only have one set of biological parents in their lives, but they have the opportunity to be loved by many more people as time passes. No one will ever be Mom or Dad but Mom and Dad in a child's heart... period. But that doesn't mean that step parents can't be loved and valued for their ability to be a trusted friend or companion.
Making roles an issue over which to fight is a waste of time. No one will take the place of Mom or Dad in any child's heart. How many times have counselors watched an adult in their 60's sob as they talk about the love the wished they could have received from a deceased parent...
Let us have faith in ourselves and our relationship with our children. They need us and want us in their lives. They love us with all their hearts. Let us be there for them. Let us give them the love we were denied as a child. Let us give them what we were never able to receive. Let us be the one to break the chain of pain.
We are all well loved. Let's share that gift with our kids.
Step parents often have a difficult time adjusting to the fact that their role is limited. They may want to impress their new partner with their ability to handle the kids, or make a new home, or make their new partner feel like they are a family. None of this is relevant because none of it is actually about what is best for the kids.
Step parents do have a role, which is best described as making a safe place for kids to live or visit (whichever is appropriate), and being a support to the rules set down by the biological parents. If the step parent and the biological parents can work out at way to effectively cooperate this is actually the best situation for the kids. In that case there is little friction and the kids needs are put first. Many times, however, this does not happen and parents must choose how to manage their personal lives and their children's lives effectively.
Children's lives need routine, stability, safety and certainty. They need to know that both Mom and Dad still love them and will make time with them a priority. They need to see their biological parent alone some of the time to feel valued and important. Parents also need time to be adults and bond with their new partner. It may not be appropriate for parents to share time with their new partner when the kids are present soon after a split.
Studies have shown that kids should be given time to grieve the loss of the family unit without being expected to form any new bonds. This can take time - each child is different, but up to two years or more can be needed for some children. Even then, the introduction of a new partner for a parent is wrenching for a child because it underlines the fact that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together - the dream for which the child secretly hopes.
Parents are not expected to put their adult lives on hold for their children indefinitely, however, it is reasonable for parents to keep their adult lives separate from the lives they lead with their children for as long as possible to give their children a chance to heal. Remember, children have no say in divorce, they cannot get what they really want... Mom and Dad back together again in a happy family. Since they can't get what they want, is it really so hard for us adults to give them the time to heal from their grief by giving them what they need? Security, safety, stability, boundaries, love, attention and the feeling of being valued as a person.
Children will make relationships with their step parents in their own time and in their own way. They only have one set of biological parents in their lives, but they have the opportunity to be loved by many more people as time passes. No one will ever be Mom or Dad but Mom and Dad in a child's heart... period. But that doesn't mean that step parents can't be loved and valued for their ability to be a trusted friend or companion.
Making roles an issue over which to fight is a waste of time. No one will take the place of Mom or Dad in any child's heart. How many times have counselors watched an adult in their 60's sob as they talk about the love the wished they could have received from a deceased parent...
Let us have faith in ourselves and our relationship with our children. They need us and want us in their lives. They love us with all their hearts. Let us be there for them. Let us give them the love we were denied as a child. Let us give them what we were never able to receive. Let us be the one to break the chain of pain.
We are all well loved. Let's share that gift with our kids.
Monday, September 21, 2009
A T T A C H M E N T
After reading this blog on Psychology Today I thought I would post it here. So many of us have been badly burned in relationships and are unsure what a healthy relationship might look like. Here's an apt description.
10 Tools for Positive Attachment by Barton Goldsmith, Phd
Consider what the word "attachment" spells out.
It's never too late to have a close relationship with someone you love. If you had a connection before, you can have it again. If you need a model for building a good relationship, consider what the word "attachment" spells out:
A: Attachment is about creating a bond with those you love. It requires that you accept life's imperfections and get okay with things being "good enough." When you have a good attachment with the ones you love almost any obstacle can be overcome.
T: Touch is a very important part of being attached. If you're not getting enough, talk with your mate about it. Physical connection is a necessary part of creating a healthy attachment. If you don't want or need to be touched, that's okay, but if your partner isn't on the same page, it will chip away at your foundation.
T: Thoughtfulness means that, even in times of strife, you somehow always manage to consider your partner first. You need to want your partner to be happy, and thinking about him or her should make you happy.
A: Affirming verbally how you feel is very important for many people. To never hear "I love you" from your mate can leave you feeling as though you are not truly wanted. Many men and women need to hear they are valued. This is a case where actions do not speak louder than words.
C: Connecting with your partner by looking into his or her eyes, holding hands, and just saying "thank you for being in my life" or holding each other tightly for several minutes are both powerful tools. Give them a shot.
H: Hoping for a better tomorrow is critical for relationships that are in healing mode. If you both honestly commit to working on your relationship together, you will have the best chance of getting through a rough patch.
M: Memories of happier times will help you find the strength you need to get things back on track if you have lost your feelings of attachment. Knowing that you were once in love can give you the motivation you need to find it again.
E: Emotional availability and support are the cornerstones of a loving intimate relationship. Your partner needs to know that you're going to be there for him or her.
N: Needing another person is not a sign of weakness. Yes, people can be too needy, and insecure behavior can make it difficult for a couple to bond appropriately. But everyone needs to feel valued and that his or her feelings won't be dismissed.
T: Trusting that you are loved is essential. If you have any doubts, it's best to sit down and talk about them. Communicating, verbally and nonverbally, is the best tool for creating what you want.
After a little time, what you may find is that your partner isn't perfect and neither are you. Of course, that means that your relationship isn't perfect either. It is, however, good enough.
10 Tools for Positive Attachment by Barton Goldsmith, Phd
Consider what the word "attachment" spells out.
It's never too late to have a close relationship with someone you love. If you had a connection before, you can have it again. If you need a model for building a good relationship, consider what the word "attachment" spells out:
A: Attachment is about creating a bond with those you love. It requires that you accept life's imperfections and get okay with things being "good enough." When you have a good attachment with the ones you love almost any obstacle can be overcome.
T: Touch is a very important part of being attached. If you're not getting enough, talk with your mate about it. Physical connection is a necessary part of creating a healthy attachment. If you don't want or need to be touched, that's okay, but if your partner isn't on the same page, it will chip away at your foundation.
T: Thoughtfulness means that, even in times of strife, you somehow always manage to consider your partner first. You need to want your partner to be happy, and thinking about him or her should make you happy.
A: Affirming verbally how you feel is very important for many people. To never hear "I love you" from your mate can leave you feeling as though you are not truly wanted. Many men and women need to hear they are valued. This is a case where actions do not speak louder than words.
C: Connecting with your partner by looking into his or her eyes, holding hands, and just saying "thank you for being in my life" or holding each other tightly for several minutes are both powerful tools. Give them a shot.
H: Hoping for a better tomorrow is critical for relationships that are in healing mode. If you both honestly commit to working on your relationship together, you will have the best chance of getting through a rough patch.
M: Memories of happier times will help you find the strength you need to get things back on track if you have lost your feelings of attachment. Knowing that you were once in love can give you the motivation you need to find it again.
E: Emotional availability and support are the cornerstones of a loving intimate relationship. Your partner needs to know that you're going to be there for him or her.
N: Needing another person is not a sign of weakness. Yes, people can be too needy, and insecure behavior can make it difficult for a couple to bond appropriately. But everyone needs to feel valued and that his or her feelings won't be dismissed.
T: Trusting that you are loved is essential. If you have any doubts, it's best to sit down and talk about them. Communicating, verbally and nonverbally, is the best tool for creating what you want.
After a little time, what you may find is that your partner isn't perfect and neither are you. Of course, that means that your relationship isn't perfect either. It is, however, good enough.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Four Small Additions Bring Joyful Relationships
A recent survey of 4000 couples married for at least sixteen years, prompted author Pamela Regan, PhD to write on the four key areas in relationships that seemed to make a significant difference with regard to how happy folks felt within their partnerships. These are the four points that seemed to make all the difference:
Physical touch: The group of partners in the study wanted to be hugged, cuddled or just touched about four times daily. They enjoyed the physical connection expressed in affectionate terms and liked small consistent doses throughout their day. A hug in the morning before leaving for work, a kiss or hug upon returning from the day, a quick touch on the arm when passing one another in the home, sitting close on the couch watching TV or reading in the evenings, these small actions all added to the feeling of closeness within the relationship.
Gestures of courtship: When partners first meet there are many displays of courtship within the relationship. Over time as the partnership moves on to one of long term intimacy and commitment, these small but important gestures often get lost in the day to day activities of life. Partners in this study were appreciative of efforts made about once in ten days to be mindful of courtship and make efforts in this direction. It doesn't have to be complex. Simple gestures are often the best. Running a bath for a partner tired and sore from a days work, turning down the bed at the end of the day, lighting candles at the dinner table, bringing home a bunch of daisies, offering a light back rub, these simple but thoughtful gestures go a long way to making partners feel special and loved.
Supportive action: Lending a helping hand without being asked can be one of the most effective ways of showing the love we have for our partner. The study group enjoyed these supportive actions on average three times a month. Cleaning up after a meal, helping out with the the laundry, raking the leaves, grooming a pet, making coffee in the morning, all these small gestures are non verbal ways to show the feelings we have for our partner as well as making their responsibilities in the home lighter.
Couple time: The partners in this study enjoyed an average of two dinner dates out and seven cozy nights in each month. Nights out are a special gift to a partnership. These times allow partners to reconnect with one another in an intimate way without the distractions of family and home. Cozy nights in work well to reinforce intimacy. Spending time talking and sharing the events of the day over a glass of wine or a cup of tea without the background noise of the television or radio allows partners to reconnect frequently and catch up on each others lives, a vital part of maintaining closeness between those in a relationship.
As we strive to improve the quality of our relationships and the joy we give and receive in interacting with our partner we may choose to add these four small changes to our daily lives. In addition to the self care we practice within our daily routine, we can enhance the quality of our partnership and our own lives by practicing compassion and consideration in our daily interactions. In this way we give ourselves the gift of intimacy.
Physical touch: The group of partners in the study wanted to be hugged, cuddled or just touched about four times daily. They enjoyed the physical connection expressed in affectionate terms and liked small consistent doses throughout their day. A hug in the morning before leaving for work, a kiss or hug upon returning from the day, a quick touch on the arm when passing one another in the home, sitting close on the couch watching TV or reading in the evenings, these small actions all added to the feeling of closeness within the relationship.
Gestures of courtship: When partners first meet there are many displays of courtship within the relationship. Over time as the partnership moves on to one of long term intimacy and commitment, these small but important gestures often get lost in the day to day activities of life. Partners in this study were appreciative of efforts made about once in ten days to be mindful of courtship and make efforts in this direction. It doesn't have to be complex. Simple gestures are often the best. Running a bath for a partner tired and sore from a days work, turning down the bed at the end of the day, lighting candles at the dinner table, bringing home a bunch of daisies, offering a light back rub, these simple but thoughtful gestures go a long way to making partners feel special and loved.
Supportive action: Lending a helping hand without being asked can be one of the most effective ways of showing the love we have for our partner. The study group enjoyed these supportive actions on average three times a month. Cleaning up after a meal, helping out with the the laundry, raking the leaves, grooming a pet, making coffee in the morning, all these small gestures are non verbal ways to show the feelings we have for our partner as well as making their responsibilities in the home lighter.
Couple time: The partners in this study enjoyed an average of two dinner dates out and seven cozy nights in each month. Nights out are a special gift to a partnership. These times allow partners to reconnect with one another in an intimate way without the distractions of family and home. Cozy nights in work well to reinforce intimacy. Spending time talking and sharing the events of the day over a glass of wine or a cup of tea without the background noise of the television or radio allows partners to reconnect frequently and catch up on each others lives, a vital part of maintaining closeness between those in a relationship.
As we strive to improve the quality of our relationships and the joy we give and receive in interacting with our partner we may choose to add these four small changes to our daily lives. In addition to the self care we practice within our daily routine, we can enhance the quality of our partnership and our own lives by practicing compassion and consideration in our daily interactions. In this way we give ourselves the gift of intimacy.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Health Care Reform or Just Posturing
It is a fact that almost 80% of the nation wants health care reform. Yet our senators and representatives in congress are busy fussing and fighting over partisan nonsense instead of buckling down and doing the work required to hammer out an excellent package. There are brilliant minds available with excellent ideas willing to help with the work.
We as a nation desperately need and want health care reform. It is a shame that our President has to go to the public to garner support for a bill that should not need any more support. Our congressional leaders have forgotten that their jobs is to work for us. It is apparent that the congressional agenda is NOT to take care of it's constituents, but to amass more seats in congress. For my part, this is narcissism, not governing.
I propose a national referendum that places term limits on congressional seats in both the house and senate. Neither of these bodies will pass the law themselves - and put themselves out of a job - but it must be done. We have term limits on many other government jobs and need it desperately in congress where the largest problem we face is cronyism and lobbyists. How can the nation expect congress to do their jobs properly when they are constantly thinking about running for re-election?
We as a nation desperately need and want health care reform. It is a shame that our President has to go to the public to garner support for a bill that should not need any more support. Our congressional leaders have forgotten that their jobs is to work for us. It is apparent that the congressional agenda is NOT to take care of it's constituents, but to amass more seats in congress. For my part, this is narcissism, not governing.
I propose a national referendum that places term limits on congressional seats in both the house and senate. Neither of these bodies will pass the law themselves - and put themselves out of a job - but it must be done. We have term limits on many other government jobs and need it desperately in congress where the largest problem we face is cronyism and lobbyists. How can the nation expect congress to do their jobs properly when they are constantly thinking about running for re-election?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Feeling Greedy?
It's always a difficult time when someone we love passes away. We feel pain inside where there used to be wholeness. We hope that in time the pain of grieving will pass and we will feel whole once again. What happens to us when greed takes over our family after a tragedy? How do we cope with the ensuing drama and chaos that threatens to stall us in our grieving process?
We may experience losing a loved one as a crisis. The pain of loss, comfort, support and safety is too great to bear. This may lead to acting out grief through greed. Often times when a loved one passes away there may be infighting among family members trying to grab a share of the pie. This type of activity can stall the grieving process. The daily drama directs energy away from allowing feelings to progress naturally through the stages of grief. We may end up stuck in one of the five stages, denial, anger, bargaining or depression. Our goal is to attain the fifth stage, acceptance, but our journey may be frought with difficulties when bickering takes the place of solace and empathy.
If we are not permitted the chance to feel and process our pain and loss we may become unable to move forward with our lives. We may shut down our feelings and become numb. We may opt for self medication, abusing alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or food. We may make hasty decisions that do not reflect our usual ability to respond rather than react. Our inability to process our grief may affect every area of our lives from our health to our relationships.
We may behave in abrasive and insensitive ways when we are filled with pain and sadness. We may become absorbed in our loss and attempt to grab more than our share of the estate of our loved one in an attempt to fill the gaping wound we feel inside. We must come to realize that no amount of things or funds will replace the person we have lost. The pain will not be mitigated by filling our lives with trinkets. The loss is real and we must come to terms with it. This will only happen as we permit ourselves to move through all the stages of grief.
Creating a diversion of drama over assets may take our mind off our loss for a time, but eventually we will be faced with the enormity of the fact that our loved one has passed on. If we delay our process we will only increase the amount of time it takes us to become whole once again.
Our most healthy choice is to reach out for support from those who love us and are willing to stand by us during our time of trial. We can attend support groups at local area hospitals, called bereavement groups. They are designed to help us get through our loss by encouraging the expression of feelings that come to us during the processing of grief. We are supported by others who have also lost loved ones and are traveling the same road.
Our lives may become quite tumultuous following the death of a family member. We must take time out for self care. Especially if we are responsible for the care of remaining family, it is imperative that we make the committment to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care on a daily basis, reach out for support to our network and higher power, and allow ourselves time to process our own feelings. If we need to attend a bereavement group, it is a gift we give ourselves. We do whatever we can to soothe those around us, giving ourselves the same soothing in the process. Life will return to balance in time. We must learn the art of acceptance.
A wise woman once said: "The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it."
We may experience losing a loved one as a crisis. The pain of loss, comfort, support and safety is too great to bear. This may lead to acting out grief through greed. Often times when a loved one passes away there may be infighting among family members trying to grab a share of the pie. This type of activity can stall the grieving process. The daily drama directs energy away from allowing feelings to progress naturally through the stages of grief. We may end up stuck in one of the five stages, denial, anger, bargaining or depression. Our goal is to attain the fifth stage, acceptance, but our journey may be frought with difficulties when bickering takes the place of solace and empathy.
If we are not permitted the chance to feel and process our pain and loss we may become unable to move forward with our lives. We may shut down our feelings and become numb. We may opt for self medication, abusing alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or food. We may make hasty decisions that do not reflect our usual ability to respond rather than react. Our inability to process our grief may affect every area of our lives from our health to our relationships.
We may behave in abrasive and insensitive ways when we are filled with pain and sadness. We may become absorbed in our loss and attempt to grab more than our share of the estate of our loved one in an attempt to fill the gaping wound we feel inside. We must come to realize that no amount of things or funds will replace the person we have lost. The pain will not be mitigated by filling our lives with trinkets. The loss is real and we must come to terms with it. This will only happen as we permit ourselves to move through all the stages of grief.
Creating a diversion of drama over assets may take our mind off our loss for a time, but eventually we will be faced with the enormity of the fact that our loved one has passed on. If we delay our process we will only increase the amount of time it takes us to become whole once again.
Our most healthy choice is to reach out for support from those who love us and are willing to stand by us during our time of trial. We can attend support groups at local area hospitals, called bereavement groups. They are designed to help us get through our loss by encouraging the expression of feelings that come to us during the processing of grief. We are supported by others who have also lost loved ones and are traveling the same road.
Our lives may become quite tumultuous following the death of a family member. We must take time out for self care. Especially if we are responsible for the care of remaining family, it is imperative that we make the committment to ourselves to use our tools, practice self care on a daily basis, reach out for support to our network and higher power, and allow ourselves time to process our own feelings. If we need to attend a bereavement group, it is a gift we give ourselves. We do whatever we can to soothe those around us, giving ourselves the same soothing in the process. Life will return to balance in time. We must learn the art of acceptance.
A wise woman once said: "The hardest part about life is accepting reality when we don't like it."
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Processing Grief
Working through grief is one of the most difficult challenges we face in our lives. When we lose someone we love, whether through death, divorce or simply a relationship that ends, we can feel a great deal of pain and anguish. It may be helpful during grieving to be aware that there is a range of reactions, and that all may be part of the process.
Initially there is a reaction of shock at the severity of the loss. We may embrace denial in the form of, "Why is this happening to me?". Our feelings may be numb or we may not yet fully comprehend the loss itself. Wishing to return to life before the loss is a common response as well. The overwhelming pain has not been fully processed at this stage. Denial is our defense mechanism protecting our psyche from the full brunt of the loss.
Eventually we can no longer deny what has happened. At this point we may begin to feel angry. We may be angry at the person we have lost, angry with our higher power, angry with other loved ones in our lives for their perceived part in the loss. We may remain angry for an extended period of time as we grapple with the seriousness of what has transpired. Anger too is a defense against the overwhelming feelings of loss.
After a time of extended anger we may move into bargaining. We are trying to mitigate the loss. This is a time of rationalizing and trading. If we have lost someone we love we may attempt reconciliation even if it is against our best interest to do so. If someone has passed away we may attempt in vain to bargain with our higher power for their return.
When we have passed the stage of needing our defense mechanisms and are finally faced with the full brunt of our loss we face depression. We may feel incredibly sad, hopeless, numb, filled with despair or even suicidal at times. We are overwhelmed with grief and the loss of both the person, and the dreams and hopes we held onto in the relationship. This is an extremely painful and vulnerable time. We may need help at this juncture to cope with the extent of the loss. It is important that we allow ourselves to grieve and give ourselves time to heal our wounds.
Finally we come to acceptance. We cannot change what has happened. We take the best memories we have and continue with our lives. If we have lost someone we love due to divorce or the ending of a relationship this may be the time we come to terms with the facts. We let go of blame and retribution and begin the process of healing in earnest. If someone has passed away we enjoy the memories we have of the wonderful times we shared while they were on this earth. In this way we keep their memory alive in our hearts and keep them close to us in thought.
The transition from relationship to loss can be overwhelming and painful. We do not have to make the journey alone. There are support groups available at most major hospitals and religious institutions. There is support in counseling and online. Trying to handle grief alone may be overwhelming and lead to isolation and long term depression.
It is common to feel like we may not survive serious loss, but we will begin to feel better. We may find we have mostly sad days initially, but over time we will begin to have better days until finally we have settled into our lives again. With the help of our family, friends, support system and our higher power we will triumph over loss and once again feel a part of life.
Initially there is a reaction of shock at the severity of the loss. We may embrace denial in the form of, "Why is this happening to me?". Our feelings may be numb or we may not yet fully comprehend the loss itself. Wishing to return to life before the loss is a common response as well. The overwhelming pain has not been fully processed at this stage. Denial is our defense mechanism protecting our psyche from the full brunt of the loss.
Eventually we can no longer deny what has happened. At this point we may begin to feel angry. We may be angry at the person we have lost, angry with our higher power, angry with other loved ones in our lives for their perceived part in the loss. We may remain angry for an extended period of time as we grapple with the seriousness of what has transpired. Anger too is a defense against the overwhelming feelings of loss.
After a time of extended anger we may move into bargaining. We are trying to mitigate the loss. This is a time of rationalizing and trading. If we have lost someone we love we may attempt reconciliation even if it is against our best interest to do so. If someone has passed away we may attempt in vain to bargain with our higher power for their return.
When we have passed the stage of needing our defense mechanisms and are finally faced with the full brunt of our loss we face depression. We may feel incredibly sad, hopeless, numb, filled with despair or even suicidal at times. We are overwhelmed with grief and the loss of both the person, and the dreams and hopes we held onto in the relationship. This is an extremely painful and vulnerable time. We may need help at this juncture to cope with the extent of the loss. It is important that we allow ourselves to grieve and give ourselves time to heal our wounds.
Finally we come to acceptance. We cannot change what has happened. We take the best memories we have and continue with our lives. If we have lost someone we love due to divorce or the ending of a relationship this may be the time we come to terms with the facts. We let go of blame and retribution and begin the process of healing in earnest. If someone has passed away we enjoy the memories we have of the wonderful times we shared while they were on this earth. In this way we keep their memory alive in our hearts and keep them close to us in thought.
The transition from relationship to loss can be overwhelming and painful. We do not have to make the journey alone. There are support groups available at most major hospitals and religious institutions. There is support in counseling and online. Trying to handle grief alone may be overwhelming and lead to isolation and long term depression.
It is common to feel like we may not survive serious loss, but we will begin to feel better. We may find we have mostly sad days initially, but over time we will begin to have better days until finally we have settled into our lives again. With the help of our family, friends, support system and our higher power we will triumph over loss and once again feel a part of life.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Negative Attention Is Better Than None
Negative attention is better than none. We parents know what that means when we think of disciplining our children. How does this concept apply in our adult relationships?
When we are dealing with our partner we may need to set boundaries in certain areas of our lives as a part of self care. We do so in a loving way, letting our partner know that we value them and our relationship. Many times when we set a new boundary we will get change back messages telling us that our partner is not readily accepting this new development. There may be refusal to go along as well as much complaining.
If we have been practicing self care and using our tools we are prepared for this eventuality and may expect that it will happen. We lovingly keep our word and allow our partner time to adjust to the new boundary. During this time it is imperative that we ignore the negative attention that change back messages engender and respond with support to the positive actions our partner takes in beginning to show acceptance. We must remember that change is difficult for us as well and give our partner the time needed to absorb what has happened.
As time passes and the relationship once again begins to settle within the new boundaries, we show our appreciation for the changes our partner has made. We give them the approval they deserve to feel valued for their contribution to the relationship in accepting this new situation. It is vital to the health of our relationship that we acknowledge the difficulty that we all experience in dealing with change, reinforcing the positive behaviors of our partner and ignoring the negative whenever possible.
We all experience change as a difficult and wrenching time we would rather not have to encounter. Life hold few guarantees, but one of them is that change will occur. Our ability to accept change and acknowledge how difficult that acceptance is for others, gives us humility. It reminds us that we are all human, capable of inflexibility and myopic vision. Accepting change requires that we become more flexible and open our view to include new ideas in our lives.
As we learn to set new boundaries in our daily lives, we practice self care and use our tools to strengthen our resolve against change back messages. We increase our self esteem as we continue to live according to our inner values. In this way we give ourselves the gift of humility.
When we are dealing with our partner we may need to set boundaries in certain areas of our lives as a part of self care. We do so in a loving way, letting our partner know that we value them and our relationship. Many times when we set a new boundary we will get change back messages telling us that our partner is not readily accepting this new development. There may be refusal to go along as well as much complaining.
If we have been practicing self care and using our tools we are prepared for this eventuality and may expect that it will happen. We lovingly keep our word and allow our partner time to adjust to the new boundary. During this time it is imperative that we ignore the negative attention that change back messages engender and respond with support to the positive actions our partner takes in beginning to show acceptance. We must remember that change is difficult for us as well and give our partner the time needed to absorb what has happened.
As time passes and the relationship once again begins to settle within the new boundaries, we show our appreciation for the changes our partner has made. We give them the approval they deserve to feel valued for their contribution to the relationship in accepting this new situation. It is vital to the health of our relationship that we acknowledge the difficulty that we all experience in dealing with change, reinforcing the positive behaviors of our partner and ignoring the negative whenever possible.
We all experience change as a difficult and wrenching time we would rather not have to encounter. Life hold few guarantees, but one of them is that change will occur. Our ability to accept change and acknowledge how difficult that acceptance is for others, gives us humility. It reminds us that we are all human, capable of inflexibility and myopic vision. Accepting change requires that we become more flexible and open our view to include new ideas in our lives.
As we learn to set new boundaries in our daily lives, we practice self care and use our tools to strengthen our resolve against change back messages. We increase our self esteem as we continue to live according to our inner values. In this way we give ourselves the gift of humility.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
What Kind of Relationship Style Do I Have?
There are many varied styles of relationships. There are dependent, co-dependent, independent and inter-dependent. It is likely that whatever style of relationship we generally adopt with our partner, will be our style with all those with whom we associate. This information may be particularly helpful to us if we see the same type of difficulties surfacing in many of our relationships.
Dependent relationships may take place when one partner's investment in the relationship becomes extreme. This may lead to feelings of an inability to live without the other party. The over investor feels consumed by the relationship and may lose their individual identity. In this process, the relationship suffers as the over invested partner brings little back to the relationship. They are putting all their energy into only the relationship, and not living their own independent life.
Co-dependent relationships may happen when one partners needs consume the relationship causing the other party to constantly be in the position of supporter. This imbalance causes the partners to adopt roles in the relationship: caretaker, victim, persecutor. In this model, the relationship dwindles as the parties cannot be themselves. They must live within defined roles which may feel suffocating and stifle intimacy.
Independent relationships may occur when one of the partners fails to make a personal investment in the relationship due to excessive self interest. This precludes the development of intimacy. The uninvested party does not value the relationship and therefore creates imbalance through neglect. This may eventually leave the other partner feeling emotionally abandoned.
Inter-dependent relationships come about when two partners are willing to invest, commit, communicate, permit personal growth, support one another, and create balance. No one parties needs dominate the relationship. There is personal investment creating intimacy. Each partner has their own independent identity as well as an identity as party to the relationship.
It is likely that we have a blend of styles which identify our relationship pattern. We probably lean toward one overall style, but have some characteristics of others as a part of our overall relational style. Finding out how we interact with others, especially in intimate relationships, helps us understand ourselves and the reasons behind our interactions.
If we find we are not as inter-dependent as we had hoped, we can make positive changes toward that end. We can work on being more independent within our own lives, allowing us to bring more back to the relationship. We can focus on having a healthier balance between need and support if we find we are out of kilter. We can use the information we glean to better understand ourselves and our partners. This understanding can bring about increased intimacy as well as increased personal independence, resulting in our goal of inter-dependence.
Dependent relationships may take place when one partner's investment in the relationship becomes extreme. This may lead to feelings of an inability to live without the other party. The over investor feels consumed by the relationship and may lose their individual identity. In this process, the relationship suffers as the over invested partner brings little back to the relationship. They are putting all their energy into only the relationship, and not living their own independent life.
Co-dependent relationships may happen when one partners needs consume the relationship causing the other party to constantly be in the position of supporter. This imbalance causes the partners to adopt roles in the relationship: caretaker, victim, persecutor. In this model, the relationship dwindles as the parties cannot be themselves. They must live within defined roles which may feel suffocating and stifle intimacy.
Independent relationships may occur when one of the partners fails to make a personal investment in the relationship due to excessive self interest. This precludes the development of intimacy. The uninvested party does not value the relationship and therefore creates imbalance through neglect. This may eventually leave the other partner feeling emotionally abandoned.
Inter-dependent relationships come about when two partners are willing to invest, commit, communicate, permit personal growth, support one another, and create balance. No one parties needs dominate the relationship. There is personal investment creating intimacy. Each partner has their own independent identity as well as an identity as party to the relationship.
It is likely that we have a blend of styles which identify our relationship pattern. We probably lean toward one overall style, but have some characteristics of others as a part of our overall relational style. Finding out how we interact with others, especially in intimate relationships, helps us understand ourselves and the reasons behind our interactions.
If we find we are not as inter-dependent as we had hoped, we can make positive changes toward that end. We can work on being more independent within our own lives, allowing us to bring more back to the relationship. We can focus on having a healthier balance between need and support if we find we are out of kilter. We can use the information we glean to better understand ourselves and our partners. This understanding can bring about increased intimacy as well as increased personal independence, resulting in our goal of inter-dependence.
Friday, May 1, 2009
How Can I Tell If My Relationship Is Healthy?
In thinking about our relationships we can readily see the view from our own perspective. We have a lens through which we view the world that we developed during our childhood with our family of origin. We may have witnessed our caretakers discussing issues in a productive way, making compromises and finally coming to an agreement. In this way we learned how to productively negotiate to accomplish our goal within the boundaries of a relationship.
But what if we instead witnessed heated arguments or screaming matches, long lists of past offenses and degrading comments that inevitably led to extended periods of silence with no resolution. Alternately we may have seen one party always allowing the other to have their way with no compromise or discussion. What happens to our interpretation of how to conduct ourselves within relationships, when our ability to learn and emulate is broken by dysfunction.
Children depend on their caretakers to interpret the world for them. They don’t have the ability to interpret or understand their emotional responses on any significant level until about age five. Young children mirror their caretakers facial expressions and body language, thereby emulating the feelings of their caretakers. Additionally, they don’t have the capacity to fully process their feelings into decipherable thoughts paired with words until about age twelve.
If our caretakers are unable to provide a healthy example to us of appropriate behavior in relationships, we may have no other model available for comparison. Since we are young and uninformed, we adopt the patterns from our family of origin, healthy or otherwise. As we grow into adults and enter into relationships of our own, we may unconsciously duplicate these patterns absorbed during our childhoods.
We are initially attracted to our partners because it “feels right” to be with them. We may not realize it but we are like broken jigsaw puzzle pieces, looking for our missing counterparts. When we find a fit it feels familiar. All too often that familiarity is a replay of unfinished business from our dysfunctional childhoods. We have found a partner who’s characteristics gives us a choice. We either have the opportunity to heal from past wounds, or to replay the same old hurtful patterns we lived through as children. How we use this opportunity is up to us.
Virginia Satir, family therapist states that “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible. The kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”
The same is true in relationships. Nurturing healthy relationships offer partners the ability to be supported while allowing for individual expression. Open communication between partners where both feel free to express themselves in the relationship is crucial. Differences between partners become areas providing opportunity for learning and appreciation of one another’s strengths. Making mistakes is seen as unavoidable and understanding is available to smooth over rough spots. Rules are flexible to allow for individual creativity and growth within the bounds agreed upon by the parties.
Dysfunctional relationships offer no such rewards. Partners often feel suffocated by constraints in communication and inflexibility in rules. Differences may not be tolerated and individuality may be seen as a threat. The unspoken rules in many dysfunctional relationships may be, don’t think (for yourself, don’t rock the boat), don’t talk (about problems or issues), and don’t feel (or at least don’t talk about feelings if you happen to have them). This type of stifling of communication leads to festering of emotions, building walls between partners and turning unresolved issues into feelings of anger and bitterness.
Counseling can provide a open forum whereby partners can express themselves to one another in a safe environment. Having a disinterested third party present can give partners a window into the relationship from a new point of view. Often times all that is needed to get a relationship back on track is a chance for partners to see themselves as others see them. This paradigm shift can be a powerful experience allowing for internal motivation to change.
If partners accept one another’s basic personalities and feel committed to working on themselves and their relationship, there are few issues that cannot be overcome with enough time, effort and love. We commit to practicing using our tools in our daily lives to increase our self esteem. We give ourselves time to reflect and make gradual changes. We allow our partner the dignity of making mistakes and learning from them. We learn the art of apologizing when we falter. In this way we create the relationship that we desire and give ourselves the gift of hope.
But what if we instead witnessed heated arguments or screaming matches, long lists of past offenses and degrading comments that inevitably led to extended periods of silence with no resolution. Alternately we may have seen one party always allowing the other to have their way with no compromise or discussion. What happens to our interpretation of how to conduct ourselves within relationships, when our ability to learn and emulate is broken by dysfunction.
Children depend on their caretakers to interpret the world for them. They don’t have the ability to interpret or understand their emotional responses on any significant level until about age five. Young children mirror their caretakers facial expressions and body language, thereby emulating the feelings of their caretakers. Additionally, they don’t have the capacity to fully process their feelings into decipherable thoughts paired with words until about age twelve.
If our caretakers are unable to provide a healthy example to us of appropriate behavior in relationships, we may have no other model available for comparison. Since we are young and uninformed, we adopt the patterns from our family of origin, healthy or otherwise. As we grow into adults and enter into relationships of our own, we may unconsciously duplicate these patterns absorbed during our childhoods.
We are initially attracted to our partners because it “feels right” to be with them. We may not realize it but we are like broken jigsaw puzzle pieces, looking for our missing counterparts. When we find a fit it feels familiar. All too often that familiarity is a replay of unfinished business from our dysfunctional childhoods. We have found a partner who’s characteristics gives us a choice. We either have the opportunity to heal from past wounds, or to replay the same old hurtful patterns we lived through as children. How we use this opportunity is up to us.
Virginia Satir, family therapist states that “Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible. The kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.”
The same is true in relationships. Nurturing healthy relationships offer partners the ability to be supported while allowing for individual expression. Open communication between partners where both feel free to express themselves in the relationship is crucial. Differences between partners become areas providing opportunity for learning and appreciation of one another’s strengths. Making mistakes is seen as unavoidable and understanding is available to smooth over rough spots. Rules are flexible to allow for individual creativity and growth within the bounds agreed upon by the parties.
Dysfunctional relationships offer no such rewards. Partners often feel suffocated by constraints in communication and inflexibility in rules. Differences may not be tolerated and individuality may be seen as a threat. The unspoken rules in many dysfunctional relationships may be, don’t think (for yourself, don’t rock the boat), don’t talk (about problems or issues), and don’t feel (or at least don’t talk about feelings if you happen to have them). This type of stifling of communication leads to festering of emotions, building walls between partners and turning unresolved issues into feelings of anger and bitterness.
Counseling can provide a open forum whereby partners can express themselves to one another in a safe environment. Having a disinterested third party present can give partners a window into the relationship from a new point of view. Often times all that is needed to get a relationship back on track is a chance for partners to see themselves as others see them. This paradigm shift can be a powerful experience allowing for internal motivation to change.
If partners accept one another’s basic personalities and feel committed to working on themselves and their relationship, there are few issues that cannot be overcome with enough time, effort and love. We commit to practicing using our tools in our daily lives to increase our self esteem. We give ourselves time to reflect and make gradual changes. We allow our partner the dignity of making mistakes and learning from them. We learn the art of apologizing when we falter. In this way we create the relationship that we desire and give ourselves the gift of hope.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Keeping Our Relationships Out of the Toilet When the Economy Tanks
What do we do when the economy is causing our partner to go through difficult times? How can we be supportive? How can we use these times to promote trust and intimacy in our relationship?
The economy is in a downward spiral causing increased pressure at most companies. The amount of incoming work has decreased as customers tighten their belts and brace for tough times ahead. This creates tension in employees as they worry if their jobs are on the line. Since many of us view ourselves largely through our success at work, this increased stress can impact our relationships both at the office and at home.
Our partner may have significant feelings of helplessness during times such as these. Being a family member and part of the team of providers in a home, creates responsibilities that are taken seriously by both partners. Particularly for men, for whom work may be a major part of their identity, feeling powerless to stave off an impending loss of income may be extremely distressing. Women's identities are also attached to their careers, however, a significant portion of their view of themselves may come from their home lives, where they care for their families.
In either situation, being supportive of a partner is distress is an extremely important part of relationships. We enter into a relationship with the hope that we have found a partner in life. Someone who will stand by us in times of joy and in challenging times. We hope that we can count on our partner to be understanding and compassionate when disaster strikes.
How do we accomplish this task? It is our responsibility in our relationship to view our partner as a whole person. Someone who, like us, has issues and problems. When we accept that each of us is human and may suffer during difficult times, we can be empathetic. Stress created during economic downturns is likely not the fault of any family member. We can offer a sympathetic ear, lighten the mood with humor, try to plan inexpensive fun activities and make the best of our time together.
If our partner's suffering begins to impact the relationship a discussion may be in order. We cannot allow walls to be built during times of stress when partners need each other's support the most. We must take the inititative and reach out to open lines of communication. Listening attentively while a partner airs their concerns, offering support and asking pertinent questions to encourage further exploration of feelings are all ways of increasing connection and decreasing tension and frustration. Some partners may need additional time with hobbies for relaxation and reflection.
If partners cannot bridge the tension a session with a relationship counselor may be of help. Often times partners are stuck in a myopic view and merely need a disinterested third party to show them a new way of viewing their situation. Taking action to protect the relationship is vital. Building bridges, not walls, is the goal in healthy relationships.
These difficult economic times will eventually pass. Once the markets have grown through the challenges and customers have regained their confidence in spending, tensions at work will ease. In the interim we use our tools, practice self care, support our partner and protect our relationships through open communication.
The economy is in a downward spiral causing increased pressure at most companies. The amount of incoming work has decreased as customers tighten their belts and brace for tough times ahead. This creates tension in employees as they worry if their jobs are on the line. Since many of us view ourselves largely through our success at work, this increased stress can impact our relationships both at the office and at home.
Our partner may have significant feelings of helplessness during times such as these. Being a family member and part of the team of providers in a home, creates responsibilities that are taken seriously by both partners. Particularly for men, for whom work may be a major part of their identity, feeling powerless to stave off an impending loss of income may be extremely distressing. Women's identities are also attached to their careers, however, a significant portion of their view of themselves may come from their home lives, where they care for their families.
In either situation, being supportive of a partner is distress is an extremely important part of relationships. We enter into a relationship with the hope that we have found a partner in life. Someone who will stand by us in times of joy and in challenging times. We hope that we can count on our partner to be understanding and compassionate when disaster strikes.
How do we accomplish this task? It is our responsibility in our relationship to view our partner as a whole person. Someone who, like us, has issues and problems. When we accept that each of us is human and may suffer during difficult times, we can be empathetic. Stress created during economic downturns is likely not the fault of any family member. We can offer a sympathetic ear, lighten the mood with humor, try to plan inexpensive fun activities and make the best of our time together.
If our partner's suffering begins to impact the relationship a discussion may be in order. We cannot allow walls to be built during times of stress when partners need each other's support the most. We must take the inititative and reach out to open lines of communication. Listening attentively while a partner airs their concerns, offering support and asking pertinent questions to encourage further exploration of feelings are all ways of increasing connection and decreasing tension and frustration. Some partners may need additional time with hobbies for relaxation and reflection.
If partners cannot bridge the tension a session with a relationship counselor may be of help. Often times partners are stuck in a myopic view and merely need a disinterested third party to show them a new way of viewing their situation. Taking action to protect the relationship is vital. Building bridges, not walls, is the goal in healthy relationships.
These difficult economic times will eventually pass. Once the markets have grown through the challenges and customers have regained their confidence in spending, tensions at work will ease. In the interim we use our tools, practice self care, support our partner and protect our relationships through open communication.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Listening to the Sound of Humility
Tonight I watched our new President as he completed his eight day overseas trip. I listened closely as he spoke to the world, taking responsibility for America's part in the current economic crisis, verbalizing the hope that we Americans have for peace in our lifetimes, reaching out to our allies as an equal participant in world affairs, as a nation willing to listen with respect to differing opinions, stating that our country's goal is now a nuclear free world and that we are not and will not be at war with the Islamic people. The last administration built walls between America and the world with demeaning behaviors and caustic remarks. Our previous government behaved as though America's ideals were important and the rest of the world needed to accede to our lifestyle and values. This is a fallacy that had led us into dangerous pseudo relationships with other nations who looked upon America as a bully.
For the first time in many years I am proud, once again, to have our President represent me to the world. I listen to him speak on a range of issues and am impressed with his intelligence and ability to absorb and process great quantities of complex information. I believe that for the first time in my recent adult life we may have a leader who is actually capable of leading our country in the direction the future demands. One of the most important ideas included in our President's statements during these last eight days was that America is no longer going to behave in the same manner. We recognize that the past administration has strained relationships to the breaking point and we are ready to show our better selves to the world.
In our relationships we each have the opportunity to be the leader. There are times when our particular skills are in demand and we can shine. There are times when our partner's skills are needed and we can sit back and enjoy watching, with pride, their moment in the sun. When we love someone deeply we are as thrilled with their aspirations and accomplishments as we are with our own. Their success is tied to our lives through mutual sharing in our relationship. When they feel joy in their achievements we are able to feel joyous along with them. This support that we give and receive is part of the vital flow that enables our relationship to continue to breathe and live.
Why in some relationships is there a lack of support? What happens when one partner is unable to comfort or encourage the other. When a relationship is one sided in any area the scales tip out of balance. Over time this may cause the partner who is not getting fed to feel unappreciated or used and become hostile and angry.
Deposits are being made into the relationship account by one partner and withdrawals are being made by the other. The account becomes seriously overdrawn. In order to correct the problem, steady deposits will need to be made over a sustained period of time by the overdrawn partner to repay the account. A clear understanding of why the situation occurred and the depth of the remedy necessary to repair the damage is critical to avoid unrealistic expectations about the time needed to heal the damage. In beginning to make new deposits the overdrawn partner may expect their mate to be pleased and forgiving quickly. This may not be possible at first as trust rebuilds slowly. Over time, the overdrawn partner may begin to feel unappreciated for these new efforts and become hostile and angry as well.
Hostility and anger can lead one or both partners to begin to build walls within the relationship. Walls are built of bricks composed of bitterness, sarcasm, demeaning remarks and stony silence. When there is a lack of understanding and ineffective communication the relationship is being drained of life. Breathing slows and death may be near. If both partners are willing, life can be replenished. Making a commitment to understanding the underlying problem and learning the necessary skills to repair the damaged relationship is a tall order. It takes a promise of time, effort, patience and a great deal of work by both parties to salvage a severely damaged partnership. Counseling may be necessary for a relationship on the brink of crumbling. There can be hope for a bright future amidst the chaos and confusion if partners are open minded and teachable.
We use our tools in our daily lives to continue to breathe life into our relationship, make our daily deposits and keep life flowing between partners. A healthy partnership is a gift that can never be taken for granted. It is the goal we all yearn to achieve. When we have done the difficult work to obtain such a grand prize we never forget the mountain we climbed to grab the gold ring. We utilize our tools and make certain that we practice self care in our daily lives to protect our most precious asset. In this way we give ourselves and our partner the gift of support.
For the first time in many years I am proud, once again, to have our President represent me to the world. I listen to him speak on a range of issues and am impressed with his intelligence and ability to absorb and process great quantities of complex information. I believe that for the first time in my recent adult life we may have a leader who is actually capable of leading our country in the direction the future demands. One of the most important ideas included in our President's statements during these last eight days was that America is no longer going to behave in the same manner. We recognize that the past administration has strained relationships to the breaking point and we are ready to show our better selves to the world.
In our relationships we each have the opportunity to be the leader. There are times when our particular skills are in demand and we can shine. There are times when our partner's skills are needed and we can sit back and enjoy watching, with pride, their moment in the sun. When we love someone deeply we are as thrilled with their aspirations and accomplishments as we are with our own. Their success is tied to our lives through mutual sharing in our relationship. When they feel joy in their achievements we are able to feel joyous along with them. This support that we give and receive is part of the vital flow that enables our relationship to continue to breathe and live.
Why in some relationships is there a lack of support? What happens when one partner is unable to comfort or encourage the other. When a relationship is one sided in any area the scales tip out of balance. Over time this may cause the partner who is not getting fed to feel unappreciated or used and become hostile and angry.
Deposits are being made into the relationship account by one partner and withdrawals are being made by the other. The account becomes seriously overdrawn. In order to correct the problem, steady deposits will need to be made over a sustained period of time by the overdrawn partner to repay the account. A clear understanding of why the situation occurred and the depth of the remedy necessary to repair the damage is critical to avoid unrealistic expectations about the time needed to heal the damage. In beginning to make new deposits the overdrawn partner may expect their mate to be pleased and forgiving quickly. This may not be possible at first as trust rebuilds slowly. Over time, the overdrawn partner may begin to feel unappreciated for these new efforts and become hostile and angry as well.
Hostility and anger can lead one or both partners to begin to build walls within the relationship. Walls are built of bricks composed of bitterness, sarcasm, demeaning remarks and stony silence. When there is a lack of understanding and ineffective communication the relationship is being drained of life. Breathing slows and death may be near. If both partners are willing, life can be replenished. Making a commitment to understanding the underlying problem and learning the necessary skills to repair the damaged relationship is a tall order. It takes a promise of time, effort, patience and a great deal of work by both parties to salvage a severely damaged partnership. Counseling may be necessary for a relationship on the brink of crumbling. There can be hope for a bright future amidst the chaos and confusion if partners are open minded and teachable.
We use our tools in our daily lives to continue to breathe life into our relationship, make our daily deposits and keep life flowing between partners. A healthy partnership is a gift that can never be taken for granted. It is the goal we all yearn to achieve. When we have done the difficult work to obtain such a grand prize we never forget the mountain we climbed to grab the gold ring. We utilize our tools and make certain that we practice self care in our daily lives to protect our most precious asset. In this way we give ourselves and our partner the gift of support.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Physical Health and Emotional Health are Connected
One of the most important areas of our lives is our health. When we don't practice self care in our daily lives we can decrease our immune response and increase our chance of illness. It is vital that we practice healthy living principles to have the physical energy to support ourselves emotionally.
When we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired or stressed (HALTS) we may not have the energy we need to respond appropriately to our surroundings. When we feel ourselves reacting instead of responding to our environment, we check to see if we are dissipating our energy with the acronym HALTS. If we are facing any of these areas we can take a time out from our situation and practice self care. We can avoid reacting inappropriately if we do this brief self assessment (HALTS) when we first feel ourselves slipping.
When we are hungry we may become more irritable or hostile. Our blood sugar is falling and this may create a feeling within us that drives our mood. When we take a moment to care for our bodies and allow ourselves to rebalance our blood sugar, a balanced mood follows.
If we are upset about an unresolved issue, we may let those feelings overflow onto our current situation without realizing it. We can give ourselves a time out and practice some self care... meditation, guided imagery, taking a walk or calling a friend in order to cool off and gain perspective and insight into our emotional self.
If we are feeling lonely we ask ourselves if we are lonely or just alone. Alone time is essential for healthy growth, giving us time to reflect and be at peace with our inner self. If we are lonely, we can reach out to others via telephone, attend a meeting, use the Internet or just go out to a local shop.
When exhaustion takes it's toll we must acquiesce and sleep. Adequate daily rest is paramount to our health. We need to rejuvenate our bodies each night via proper rest. The most successful sleep patterns are those that follow a similar pattern of rest times each day. This works with the bodies natural rhythm enhancing overall health.
In times of stress we must make extra efforts at self care. There may be intervals when we endure extended periods of stress in our lives over which we may have virtually no control. During those times we practice self care, use our tools and if needed seek counseling to help us through the difficulties. Life can be problematic, but there is no need to face life's challenges alone. There is assistance and comfort at every level of society from the most experienced counselor to the local support meeting in a church basement. Reaching out for help when we feel overwhelmed is a healthy response to stress.
Taking care of our health and making sure we practice self care in our daily lives allows us to have the physical energy available to deal with the emotional issues that present themselves to us each day. Through this process of self care and using our tools we give ourselves the gift of emotional health.
When we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired or stressed (HALTS) we may not have the energy we need to respond appropriately to our surroundings. When we feel ourselves reacting instead of responding to our environment, we check to see if we are dissipating our energy with the acronym HALTS. If we are facing any of these areas we can take a time out from our situation and practice self care. We can avoid reacting inappropriately if we do this brief self assessment (HALTS) when we first feel ourselves slipping.
When we are hungry we may become more irritable or hostile. Our blood sugar is falling and this may create a feeling within us that drives our mood. When we take a moment to care for our bodies and allow ourselves to rebalance our blood sugar, a balanced mood follows.
If we are upset about an unresolved issue, we may let those feelings overflow onto our current situation without realizing it. We can give ourselves a time out and practice some self care... meditation, guided imagery, taking a walk or calling a friend in order to cool off and gain perspective and insight into our emotional self.
If we are feeling lonely we ask ourselves if we are lonely or just alone. Alone time is essential for healthy growth, giving us time to reflect and be at peace with our inner self. If we are lonely, we can reach out to others via telephone, attend a meeting, use the Internet or just go out to a local shop.
When exhaustion takes it's toll we must acquiesce and sleep. Adequate daily rest is paramount to our health. We need to rejuvenate our bodies each night via proper rest. The most successful sleep patterns are those that follow a similar pattern of rest times each day. This works with the bodies natural rhythm enhancing overall health.
In times of stress we must make extra efforts at self care. There may be intervals when we endure extended periods of stress in our lives over which we may have virtually no control. During those times we practice self care, use our tools and if needed seek counseling to help us through the difficulties. Life can be problematic, but there is no need to face life's challenges alone. There is assistance and comfort at every level of society from the most experienced counselor to the local support meeting in a church basement. Reaching out for help when we feel overwhelmed is a healthy response to stress.
Taking care of our health and making sure we practice self care in our daily lives allows us to have the physical energy available to deal with the emotional issues that present themselves to us each day. Through this process of self care and using our tools we give ourselves the gift of emotional health.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Price: Consequences and Reality
Dear Followers -
I normally don't do what I am going to do today. But I feel that there is a great deal of information here that may allow us all to learn. Communication is so vital in relationships that it cannot be overstated. Denial can be so complete that we don't see our actions clearly until after the damage has been done.
I participate on other forums and blogs. One of those is a place where people suffering the pain of divorce can go and receive help from a variety of professionals, as well as support from other members.
A divorced participant posted a blog regarding her relationship with a man whom she knew was married. Over time, she convinced herself that his marriage was an emotionally empty affair. She decided to go to visit the wife to see for herself if it was as she believed. She expected to find a cold uncaring woman who no longer loved or valued her husband or family. Instead she found a woman who had been unable to participated in sexual activity due to illness who still loved her husband deeply, but was aware that he had been having multiple affairs since her incapacitation. She had accepted his activities but clearly had been wounded by them. The following day the participant posted her surprised and shocked reaction to the deep sadness she saw in the wife's eyes. She felt badly and didn't understand her own response to the wife's pain. Most of the participants on the forum were shocked and outraged by her posts. Many were hurt, being reminded of how callus their own spouses had been through their divorces. They posted their feelings in great detail. After reading through her posts and the responses I posted the following (name removed for anonymity).
"Dear "X" - I feel very sad for you. I counsel people who have suffered relationship trauma every day. I believe that you have not internalized the pain you suffered through your own divorce and made it a part of your inner self. This might explain why you would cause another person such deep pain. You might be aware that the person who was incested as a child may become the child molester as an adult. People who are hurt, hurt others as a way to try to relieve their pain. The answer for you may be to incorporate your own past into your inner self. Your posts talk of religion, but not spirituality. There is a great difference. You are adept at rationalization, but when faced with the consequences of your own actions you feel frightened and guilty. I believe there is a deep unmet need within you to feel that you are special and unique. I would guess that you felt a great wound to your psyche following the events that lead to your divorce. Divorce causes people to lose a great deal of their self esteem. Once it is lost it takes time and effort to regain. If we don't do the work to repair our self esteem, we can become persecutors who are trying to escape our pain through inflicting pain onto others. I would guess that you wrote on this forum for exactly those reasons. You must have realized that these folks would be devastated by your remarks. Now that you are faced with the truth of your situation, maybe you will find the inner strength to seek counseling and heal your inner self. You need to regain your self esteem so that you don't repeat this pattern in your life, sentencing yourself to a lonely life of never being truly intimate or important to anyone. Read over some of my blogs. Maybe you will find some help. I hope that you find yourself again."
We all have been in painful relationships at some point in our lives. The process of grieving and healing is imperative. We never want to be the one passing our pain onto others, whether intentionally or otherwise. Unlike "X", who passed her pain onto another wife, many of us take our pain along with us, like a suitcase, and dump it on our next partner. Using our tools, learning to communicate effectively, balanced compromise and self care are all keys to keeping our relationship healthy and well fed.
Let us all remember the lessons of "X" so that we do not repeat them in our lives.
I normally don't do what I am going to do today. But I feel that there is a great deal of information here that may allow us all to learn. Communication is so vital in relationships that it cannot be overstated. Denial can be so complete that we don't see our actions clearly until after the damage has been done.
I participate on other forums and blogs. One of those is a place where people suffering the pain of divorce can go and receive help from a variety of professionals, as well as support from other members.
A divorced participant posted a blog regarding her relationship with a man whom she knew was married. Over time, she convinced herself that his marriage was an emotionally empty affair. She decided to go to visit the wife to see for herself if it was as she believed. She expected to find a cold uncaring woman who no longer loved or valued her husband or family. Instead she found a woman who had been unable to participated in sexual activity due to illness who still loved her husband deeply, but was aware that he had been having multiple affairs since her incapacitation. She had accepted his activities but clearly had been wounded by them. The following day the participant posted her surprised and shocked reaction to the deep sadness she saw in the wife's eyes. She felt badly and didn't understand her own response to the wife's pain. Most of the participants on the forum were shocked and outraged by her posts. Many were hurt, being reminded of how callus their own spouses had been through their divorces. They posted their feelings in great detail. After reading through her posts and the responses I posted the following (name removed for anonymity).
"Dear "X" - I feel very sad for you. I counsel people who have suffered relationship trauma every day. I believe that you have not internalized the pain you suffered through your own divorce and made it a part of your inner self. This might explain why you would cause another person such deep pain. You might be aware that the person who was incested as a child may become the child molester as an adult. People who are hurt, hurt others as a way to try to relieve their pain. The answer for you may be to incorporate your own past into your inner self. Your posts talk of religion, but not spirituality. There is a great difference. You are adept at rationalization, but when faced with the consequences of your own actions you feel frightened and guilty. I believe there is a deep unmet need within you to feel that you are special and unique. I would guess that you felt a great wound to your psyche following the events that lead to your divorce. Divorce causes people to lose a great deal of their self esteem. Once it is lost it takes time and effort to regain. If we don't do the work to repair our self esteem, we can become persecutors who are trying to escape our pain through inflicting pain onto others. I would guess that you wrote on this forum for exactly those reasons. You must have realized that these folks would be devastated by your remarks. Now that you are faced with the truth of your situation, maybe you will find the inner strength to seek counseling and heal your inner self. You need to regain your self esteem so that you don't repeat this pattern in your life, sentencing yourself to a lonely life of never being truly intimate or important to anyone. Read over some of my blogs. Maybe you will find some help. I hope that you find yourself again."
We all have been in painful relationships at some point in our lives. The process of grieving and healing is imperative. We never want to be the one passing our pain onto others, whether intentionally or otherwise. Unlike "X", who passed her pain onto another wife, many of us take our pain along with us, like a suitcase, and dump it on our next partner. Using our tools, learning to communicate effectively, balanced compromise and self care are all keys to keeping our relationship healthy and well fed.
Let us all remember the lessons of "X" so that we do not repeat them in our lives.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Self Care in Tough Economic Times
Wall street has raped our economy and now we face the worst recession in decades. The nation pulls together behind our new President to try to keep the recession from becoming a depression. In the process, tens of thousand lose their jobs, their medical coverage, their retirement savings, their homes and their self respect. What do we do if this happens to us?
In the face of serious personal challenges we recognize that we are going to go through a process of grieving. A significant part of our self esteem is tied up in our ability to provide safety and support for ourselves and our families. The five stage grieving process involves steps that integrate the loss we have experienced into our persona. How we take care of ourselves during that process can be the difference between those of us who come out of the challenges whole, and those who don't.
We cannot change the fact that the economy is in the toilet or that we may have lost our job. We can only change how we respond to this dismal situation. Because many of us have families that rely upon us to provide, we may need support at this grave time from other bread winners who are in similar situations. Having a place to go for support cannot be overemphasized when disaster strikes. Although we may continue to look for work and may receive some interim assistance from families, churches, charities or the government, we still must face the internal struggle that accompany such a severe loss. Our self esteem has suffered a blow that cannot be minimized.
At times such as these it is imperative that we use our tools, acquire new tools to help us through these difficult economic times, and ask for help. There is no shame in allowing others to aid us in an emergency. There are support groups forming through employment services, unions, churches and the like. We know in our hearts that we would certainly do the same for another if the situation were reversed. We must keep this in mind as we weather the economic storm.
In the face of serious personal challenges we recognize that we are going to go through a process of grieving. A significant part of our self esteem is tied up in our ability to provide safety and support for ourselves and our families. The five stage grieving process involves steps that integrate the loss we have experienced into our persona. How we take care of ourselves during that process can be the difference between those of us who come out of the challenges whole, and those who don't.
We cannot change the fact that the economy is in the toilet or that we may have lost our job. We can only change how we respond to this dismal situation. Because many of us have families that rely upon us to provide, we may need support at this grave time from other bread winners who are in similar situations. Having a place to go for support cannot be overemphasized when disaster strikes. Although we may continue to look for work and may receive some interim assistance from families, churches, charities or the government, we still must face the internal struggle that accompany such a severe loss. Our self esteem has suffered a blow that cannot be minimized.
At times such as these it is imperative that we use our tools, acquire new tools to help us through these difficult economic times, and ask for help. There is no shame in allowing others to aid us in an emergency. There are support groups forming through employment services, unions, churches and the like. We know in our hearts that we would certainly do the same for another if the situation were reversed. We must keep this in mind as we weather the economic storm.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Dearest Readers
Dearest readers... absence from my blog for the last three days has been the result of a family difficulty that erupted during this past week. This was a dose of reality that was quite distasteful. Fortunately I was able to reach into my tool bag and find that I had the tools to help me get through this very difficult time. I used all the tools available to ease my stress.
After the initial shock coursed through my system, I got a jolt of adrenaline. My mind began to focus on assembling the information I would need to make the decisions that might lie ahead. I began by assessing the situation. I then called those who could inform me as to the options available and the probable course of action that would occur. I followed by informing those who might be of assistance. I then proceeded to my home to do some sorely needed self care and avail myself of support.
I had no other choice but to await the outcome. There was no path available for my involvement. This was the hardest part of all... waiting for results which might take hours or days. I took this waiting time to practice detachment, letting go, prayer, trusting in my higher power, allowing myself to receive love and support, and the wisdom of the flow of the universe. I read a wise thought: take a lesson from the clock, it passes time by keeping it's hands busy. I kept myself busy over the course of the next three days. It was a very difficult time, but I was able to keep myself centered and calm as much as possible. I am grateful that I have practiced using my tools in my daily life. They are always with me. I would not have made it through this extremely stressful time without them. I trust that my higher power has a plan for my life and those in my family.
I share these thought with you, dear readers, that you might have the belief and confidence in the tools that we share to practice using them in your daily lives. When we are tested, as happens in each and every life, we will be adept at using our tools. We will be able to get ourselves through the trials we face. We will emerge with increased self esteem, believing that we can triumph regardless of our circumstances. We are the sum of our values and beliefs. We can rely on ourselves to make appropriate choices. We are capable.
After the initial shock coursed through my system, I got a jolt of adrenaline. My mind began to focus on assembling the information I would need to make the decisions that might lie ahead. I began by assessing the situation. I then called those who could inform me as to the options available and the probable course of action that would occur. I followed by informing those who might be of assistance. I then proceeded to my home to do some sorely needed self care and avail myself of support.
I had no other choice but to await the outcome. There was no path available for my involvement. This was the hardest part of all... waiting for results which might take hours or days. I took this waiting time to practice detachment, letting go, prayer, trusting in my higher power, allowing myself to receive love and support, and the wisdom of the flow of the universe. I read a wise thought: take a lesson from the clock, it passes time by keeping it's hands busy. I kept myself busy over the course of the next three days. It was a very difficult time, but I was able to keep myself centered and calm as much as possible. I am grateful that I have practiced using my tools in my daily life. They are always with me. I would not have made it through this extremely stressful time without them. I trust that my higher power has a plan for my life and those in my family.
I share these thought with you, dear readers, that you might have the belief and confidence in the tools that we share to practice using them in your daily lives. When we are tested, as happens in each and every life, we will be adept at using our tools. We will be able to get ourselves through the trials we face. We will emerge with increased self esteem, believing that we can triumph regardless of our circumstances. We are the sum of our values and beliefs. We can rely on ourselves to make appropriate choices. We are capable.
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