Lying, Insecurity and Alcoholism

When faced with a situation where our partner feels insecure or unsure they lie. We have discovered that their parent(s) were alcoholics. What happens to us when we are raised in an environment where one or both of our caretakers are alcoholics? Is this an underlying reason for their habit of lying?

There is a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that is a 12 Step Program based on the principles of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that has a great deal of information about behavior patterns in adult children. This is the place to begin our journey for answers.

Lying is often related to self esteem issues. That doesn't mean that there can't be more serious problems, but generally when alcoholism is involved, so is self esteem. Very often adult children grow up in constant chaos as their alcoholic parent(s) drinks themselves into oblivion in front of them. Our partner may never have felt safe or secure in their early lives. They may have lived in a home that was always in a shambles either physically, emotionally or both.

The effect of having a parent who is an alcoholic cannot be underestimated. Very often children in alcoholic homes never learn to self soothe. They don't have parents who set appropriate limits and boundaries so they never learn what acceptable behavior looks like. They may be aware that they don't have appropriate social skills but have no clue where to find out how to behave.

There is great hope in counseling for ACOA. Many have been able to recover from the trauma of their childhoods due to alcoholic family members. It may take time and a great deal of patience by both our counselor and our partner. This type of recovery program may involve us learning to set boundaries and limits with our partner as well as our partner learning to face their fears and allow themselves to be seen for who they are without the masks. Our partner has lived without consequences for lying for most of their adult life. That will have to change.

The fact that our partner doesn't react with emotion may mean that they have learned how to stop feeling. As a result of the pain of trauma during childhood, our partner has chosen to freeze all feelings rather than face them. This is common in trauma survivors. As children they needed this defense mechanism to survive. Now as adults, it no longer serves a purpose and is actually the cause of difficulties occurring in our relationship. As they defrost and begin to feel again they can become very depressed and/or angry for a while as they process all the pain and loss they have been supressing.

That can be a very difficult time for both our partner and ourselves. Recall that our partner has some very positive qualities that we value... loyalty, humbleness, deference, good heartedness, excellent business person, handsome looking. Our partner is also intelligent and capable. These are some very positive statements. We must recall that we love our partner very much. There is a question we ask partners in couples counseling...

Are we happy with our relationship at least 50% of the time?

Remember, this isn't just about the flaws our partner has... we all have some real whoppers... our partner needs to learn judgement and appropriate behavior in a safe environment.

There is much benefit for us to be found in doing some reading on ACOA. There are some excellent materials available in bookstores, online through Amazon and at ACOA meetings. Here is the link to ACOA http://www.adultchildren.org/ . Click on "the problem" in the first paragraph to learn about the disease and what it feels like for the adult child. Here is a link for some recovery books. http://www.cyberus.ca/~rocksoft/teddysrule/readings/re_bibli.html

A T T A C H M E N T

After reading this blog on Psychology Today I thought I would post it here. So many of us have been badly burned in relationships and are unsure what a healthy relationship might look like. Here's an apt description.

10 Tools for Positive Attachment by Barton Goldsmith, Phd

Consider what the word "attachment" spells out.

It's never too late to have a close relationship with someone you love. If you had a connection before, you can have it again. If you need a model for building a good relationship, consider what the word "attachment" spells out:

A: Attachment is about creating a bond with those you love. It requires that you accept life's imperfections and get okay with things being "good enough." When you have a good attachment with the ones you love almost any obstacle can be overcome.

T: Touch is a very important part of being attached. If you're not getting enough, talk with your mate about it. Physical connection is a necessary part of creating a healthy attachment. If you don't want or need to be touched, that's okay, but if your partner isn't on the same page, it will chip away at your foundation.

T: Thoughtfulness means that, even in times of strife, you somehow always manage to consider your partner first. You need to want your partner to be happy, and thinking about him or her should make you happy.

A: Affirming verbally how you feel is very important for many people. To never hear "I love you" from your mate can leave you feeling as though you are not truly wanted. Many men and women need to hear they are valued. This is a case where actions do not speak louder than words.

C: Connecting with your partner by looking into his or her eyes, holding hands, and just saying "thank you for being in my life" or holding each other tightly for several minutes are both powerful tools. Give them a shot.

H: Hoping for a better tomorrow is critical for relationships that are in healing mode. If you both honestly commit to working on your relationship together, you will have the best chance of getting through a rough patch.

M: Memories of happier times will help you find the strength you need to get things back on track if you have lost your feelings of attachment. Knowing that you were once in love can give you the motivation you need to find it again.

E: Emotional availability and support are the cornerstones of a loving intimate relationship. Your partner needs to know that you're going to be there for him or her.

N: Needing another person is not a sign of weakness. Yes, people can be too needy, and insecure behavior can make it difficult for a couple to bond appropriately. But everyone needs to feel valued and that his or her feelings won't be dismissed.

T: Trusting that you are loved is essential. If you have any doubts, it's best to sit down and talk about them. Communicating, verbally and nonverbally, is the best tool for creating what you want.

After a little time, what you may find is that your partner isn't perfect and neither are you. Of course, that means that your relationship isn't perfect either. It is, however, good enough.

Why am I So Afraid of FEAR?

FEAR... False Expectations Appearing Real. That is quite an acronym. Fears can be real or imagined. Staring into the face of a sabre tooth tiger and fearing for your life is quite real. Most of the fears we face today occur when we have insufficient information available to make an informed decision. We don't know all that we need to create a full picture so we fill in the blanks with our own experiences. Unfortunately our experiences may not apply to the situation at hand. We finish the painting, but alas we didn't start it and don't know the outcome the artist had in mind. Instead of completing the Mona Lisa, we end up with Dogs at Cards.

Fears can cause a multitude of problems in relationships. An example: When faced with an upcoming family gathering involving meeting new people for the first time, one partner may feel insecure. The insecurity may be based in low self esteem. Fear may take hold and as the event approaches the fearful partner may become ill and unable to attend. If this pattern manifests frequently in the relationship the other partner may eventually become angry and accuse the ill partner of not liking the family. A lack of understanding may cause a failure to communicate that the underlying issue is a fear of not being accepted.

It can be quite difficult to verbalize fears. Many of us experienced fear and trauma at an age where verbal language was not within our grasp. Two year olds have just learned how to ask for food or a toy. They do not have the words to discuss feelings. When caretakers frighten children with strong emotions of their own, such as anger or rage, children may become traumatized. Even five year olds rarely have the available verbiage to talk about emotions. If our caretakers were busy taking care of siblings, tending to a sick parent, going to work everyday and doing chores at home, going to school or just watching TV all day, no one was available to help us translate emotions into words. If our caretakers are the ones reacting with strong emotions, yelling often or becoming violent, there is no safe place for a child to take their emotions and get comfort and explanations.

By the time we have the needed vocabulary we are approaching twelve or thirteen years of age. At this point we have learned much about expressing feelings from our family of origin as well as our friends. Feelings may be unacceptable if our home is dysfunctional. Our experience with friends may make it uncool to talk about feelings. We may enter into adulthood almost illiterate regarding emotions. We have emotions, but may not be able to find the words to describe our feelings. This makes processing emotions quite difficult. We need language to allow our thinking brains to integrate our emotions into our selves.

This inability to join words to feelings leave us unable to tolerate strong emotions. We feel extreme unmanagability when strong emotions arrive. We react with our defenses to squelch the uncomfortable feelings. We have not learned how to process strong emotions and we are frightened by their intensity. As we learn which words to attach to the emotions we feel, our thinking brain can process them. We can integrate this new knowledge into our inner selves. Then next time the same strong emotion occurs we can be ready with our words. Our thinking minds can logically process the feelings for us creating increased self esteem and a feeling of control over our reactions.

This is vital for long term health. In order to create balance in our daily lives we must be able to process our emotions with our thinking minds. To rely on our reactive mind to guide us through the maze of feelings through our lives is inadvisable. It may leave us open to bouts of uncontrolled basic emotions, such as rage. These strong unprocessed raw emotions can be terrifying to witness, both for the one experiencing the emotions as well as for their partner.

The external view of raw unprocessed emotions appears uncontrolled and extremely frightening. Especially to a small child, unprocessed raw feelings may be traumatic. We want to avoid passing down our issues to the next generation. We have a grave responsibility to learn the words we need to process our emotions into feelings that we understand. Through our recovery work we have learned tools we can use to deal with issues, such as feeling overwhelmed or angry. Once our emotions have been processed into understandable feelings we can practice self care. Through using our tools we increase our self esteem and feel capable of controlling our strong emotions.

Shame

Shame... guilt... two concepts that get confused when talking about our feelings. What is the difference between shame and guilt? Guilt is the result when our actions don't match our values. When we do something that goes against our belief system, our inner voice tells us that we have breached our own boundaries. We feel guilt as a result of that action, often coupled with regret. These feelings are a warning to us, a red light, that tells us that our actions are not acceptable to ourselves. They may be an indicator of impending danger or consequences. Guilt, when earned, is a healthy reminder by our conscience to more closely monitor our own behavior. Guilt says, "What I have done is not okay." It is a judgement of our actions.

Shame says, "I am not okay." It is a judgement of us. Shame arises when we have suffered grave humiliation at the hands of another. We may not recognize that we have been shamed. We may have been too small when the incident occurred to understand the underlying message, but the message got through and we feel that we are not good enough. It can happen when a teacher calls upon a student in class who is day dreaming and doesn't know the question, let alone the answer. The teacher's cutting remark can wound that student leaving him/her feeling shamed. It can happen when a parent is having a bad day and shrieks at a child to just leave them alone.

The scars from shame are deep wounds that become triggers later in life and leave us emotionally unavailable. That wounded child in school may feel inadequate in all aspects of learning regardless of achievements. The scolded child may be unable to tolerate others anger as an adult. Shame fuels the demon, low self esteem, leading to insecurities and defense mechanisms designed to keep others at a distance.

When we are triggered as shamed adults, we react with the passion from the initial wound. We are unable to remain emotionally in the present. We cannot differentiate between that which happened long ago and that which is happening in the now. As a result of this, we can severely damage current relationships. Our inability to distinguish past events from the present causes our partners to collapse under the weight of our reactions to our triggers. We owe it to our partners to pursue recovery from shame. Learning to use our tools to empower us to overcome the prison of triggers will enhance our daily lives. We will overcome our shame, increase our self esteem, minimize our insecurities and be able to lessen our use of defense mechanisms. We do this to give ourselves the gift of emotional availability.