Donuts and the Truth

If you don't want the truth... don't ask me. If you want something sugarcoated... go eat a donut.

Today while surfing online I read a post that struck me. It really got me thinking... do we want to hear the truth when we come to a counselor looking for support? Or are we just there to have someone reinforce our own point of view? Are we looking for truth or validation?

Personally, I think we attend counseling to allow another to tell us the truth. It may be the awful truth... it may be something we'd rather not hear... but in the end what we really desire is for someone... anyone... to finally be 100% honest with us.

Why do I think that is the case? Because for many of us we have been deceived and manipulated by others for so long that we doubt our ability to discern the truth. We have lost our innate trust in our own gut.

It may have happened when we were kids and our parents refused to discuss the elephant in the room... an alcoholic or abusive parent or sibling for example... and we began to believe that somehow we were wrong. We saw that elephant... didn't they? Why wouldn't they talk to us about it? Why did they insist it wasn't there? Were we unable to properly distinguish reality? They are big... we are small... they know what's real... we don't. We are scared by this difference in perception. In order to feel safe we decide to believe they are right.

Here we are... many years later. We try to select a partner with whom to create a life. We pick someone who "feels right". All goes well at first... we then discover we have chosen a person who mirrors some of the same dysfunction we experienced in our childhoods. It "felt right" because as dysfunctional as our childhoods may have been... it's comfortable... familiar.

Years pass and we and our partner drift apart. We come to counseling and we vent... we cry... we allow ourselves to be seen in all our pain. We want answers. We want someone... anyone... to finally tell us why this happened in our relationship.

Finally we begin to see the truth. We are told something in counseling that infuriates us and realize we are still reacting to the same old pain. Sometimes we read a book and see ourselves in a new light. Sometimes others situations are similar and we learn from their wisdom. However it happens... we learn more about ourselves through the process.

In the end we come through the experience with new wisdom... an inner strength we never knew existed... and discover serenity and acceptance.

It's Okay for Me to Have Needs Too?

My partner seems to forget special occasions... I feel badly yet I don't say anything about it. Should I mention it... or is it unimportant? I feel appreciated and loved all the rest of the days... am I being petty? What should I do?

We can be applauded for handling forgetfulness in a classy way. We save our partner from feeling shamed by not making a fuss when an occasion is accidentally forgotten. It is all right to forget occasionally. However, if forgetting becomes a pattern in a relationship, there is generally more going on than just an accidental lapse with regard to a date or event.

It is not uncommon to have a partner who forgets occasions. We all get the same excuses... I forgot... I didn't have time... I was busy with xyz... The truth is that we all have the same twenty four hours each day. What we do with that time is a display of what we value.

We may go through many, many occasions with us being the one to let it go until we realize that we also have needs and that it's okay to ask to have those needs met. Yes, our partner is wonderful and shows love every day in many different ways. If this one way is important to us - and it may be - then why should we discount ourselves? Our partner enjoys receiving recognition on important occasions... why not us too?

After a pattern of forgetting develops, we can have a chat with our partner. We can share that we would prefer a blank card with a picture that means something to us both... something from the heart written inside... rather than an elaborate gift. Remembrances don't have to be expensive or complex... they allow us to feel valued on days that are special to us.

Sharing how important this is to us and being vulnerable, we allow our partner to feel safe enough to share whatever the underlying issue may be. After listening and empathizing, we reassure our partner... whatever efforts they can make... whatever is on their heart... they can feel comfortable acknowledging occasions... knowing that their efforts will be appreciated.

It can work out well for both parties. We can learn to communicate our needs and in the process both we and our partner get validated. When a partner is reluctant to do something simple - like acknowledging an occasion - there is usually a deeper issue at the heart of the resistance. Eventually as partners feel safe with one another, they will share their fears and reluctance, thereby overcoming the obstacles keeping them from intimacy.

Lying, Insecurity and Alcoholism

When faced with a situation where our partner feels insecure or unsure they lie. We have discovered that their parent(s) were alcoholics. What happens to us when we are raised in an environment where one or both of our caretakers are alcoholics? Is this an underlying reason for their habit of lying?

There is a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that is a 12 Step Program based on the principles of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) that has a great deal of information about behavior patterns in adult children. This is the place to begin our journey for answers.

Lying is often related to self esteem issues. That doesn't mean that there can't be more serious problems, but generally when alcoholism is involved, so is self esteem. Very often adult children grow up in constant chaos as their alcoholic parent(s) drinks themselves into oblivion in front of them. Our partner may never have felt safe or secure in their early lives. They may have lived in a home that was always in a shambles either physically, emotionally or both.

The effect of having a parent who is an alcoholic cannot be underestimated. Very often children in alcoholic homes never learn to self soothe. They don't have parents who set appropriate limits and boundaries so they never learn what acceptable behavior looks like. They may be aware that they don't have appropriate social skills but have no clue where to find out how to behave.

There is great hope in counseling for ACOA. Many have been able to recover from the trauma of their childhoods due to alcoholic family members. It may take time and a great deal of patience by both our counselor and our partner. This type of recovery program may involve us learning to set boundaries and limits with our partner as well as our partner learning to face their fears and allow themselves to be seen for who they are without the masks. Our partner has lived without consequences for lying for most of their adult life. That will have to change.

The fact that our partner doesn't react with emotion may mean that they have learned how to stop feeling. As a result of the pain of trauma during childhood, our partner has chosen to freeze all feelings rather than face them. This is common in trauma survivors. As children they needed this defense mechanism to survive. Now as adults, it no longer serves a purpose and is actually the cause of difficulties occurring in our relationship. As they defrost and begin to feel again they can become very depressed and/or angry for a while as they process all the pain and loss they have been supressing.

That can be a very difficult time for both our partner and ourselves. Recall that our partner has some very positive qualities that we value... loyalty, humbleness, deference, good heartedness, excellent business person, handsome looking. Our partner is also intelligent and capable. These are some very positive statements. We must recall that we love our partner very much. There is a question we ask partners in couples counseling...

Are we happy with our relationship at least 50% of the time?

Remember, this isn't just about the flaws our partner has... we all have some real whoppers... our partner needs to learn judgement and appropriate behavior in a safe environment.

There is much benefit for us to be found in doing some reading on ACOA. There are some excellent materials available in bookstores, online through Amazon and at ACOA meetings. Here is the link to ACOA http://www.adultchildren.org/ . Click on "the problem" in the first paragraph to learn about the disease and what it feels like for the adult child. Here is a link for some recovery books. http://www.cyberus.ca/~rocksoft/teddysrule/readings/re_bibli.html

Cyberspace: Danger Ahead

There have been many questions posed regarding cyber sex, infidelity, online safety and appropriate limits to these relationships as regards our primary partnership.

There are two types of affairs that occur in committed relationships. There is the betrayal that occurs when one partner has a physical relationship outside the partnership. That type of betrayal may or may not involve emotional attachment.

There is also the emotional affair. Emotional affairs are particularly dangerous because the parties involved are building intimacy with a person who is not a part of their primary relationship.

When intimacy is built outside of the primary relationship walls tend to go up between partners. There is an instinctive reaction to back away, to retreat from the openness and trust that existed before one partner began to need to hide their feelings and actions from the other.

Neither of these affairs is positive or beneficial for the long term health of the relationship. Any time one partner must behave covertly, the line between acceptable interaction and unacceptable interaction has been crossed.

In cyberspace, where honesty and deception can easily become interwoven during texting and chatting, the specter of anonymity allows people to entertain ideas that they might not in live interactions. For this reason care must be taken when online to be wary of predators and abusers. The inability to read body language, tone of voice and gestures makes it easy for those who would deceive.

Facebook, MySpace, Twitter and other social networking sites can be great places to share tidbits of everyday life with family and friends or conduct business. Finding classmates from the past can be fun, but chatting with former beaus may carry the risk of opening up old feelings that may not belong in the present.

As long as partners don't password protect their computers from one another and allow each other free access (whether it's used or not) to each others web pages, there should be no reason for concern. Use common sense, when it feels like it's going in the wrong direction and you wonder if you should continue, you probably shouldn't.

Parents, Step Parents and Children's Needs

Children need two parents in their lives, whether they are married to one another or not. They also need stability and routine to help them feel grounded, keep their world orderly and allow them to feel safe. There is much psychological evidence to support those facts. Some parents may forget at times that our children are developing and have different needs than we do as adults.

Step parents often have a difficult time adjusting to the fact that their role is limited. They may want to impress their new partner with their ability to handle the kids, or make a new home, or make their new partner feel like they are a family. None of this is relevant because none of it is actually about what is best for the kids.

Step parents do have a role, which is best described as making a safe place for kids to live or visit (whichever is appropriate), and being a support to the rules set down by the biological parents. If the step parent and the biological parents can work out at way to effectively cooperate this is actually the best situation for the kids. In that case there is little friction and the kids needs are put first. Many times, however, this does not happen and parents must choose how to manage their personal lives and their children's lives effectively.

Children's lives need routine, stability, safety and certainty. They need to know that both Mom and Dad still love them and will make time with them a priority. They need to see their biological parent alone some of the time to feel valued and important. Parents also need time to be adults and bond with their new partner. It may not be appropriate for parents to share time with their new partner when the kids are present soon after a split.

Studies have shown that kids should be given time to grieve the loss of the family unit without being expected to form any new bonds. This can take time - each child is different, but up to two years or more can be needed for some children. Even then, the introduction of a new partner for a parent is wrenching for a child because it underlines the fact that Mom and Dad aren't getting back together - the dream for which the child secretly hopes.

Parents are not expected to put their adult lives on hold for their children indefinitely, however, it is reasonable for parents to keep their adult lives separate from the lives they lead with their children for as long as possible to give their children a chance to heal. Remember, children have no say in divorce, they cannot get what they really want... Mom and Dad back together again in a happy family. Since they can't get what they want, is it really so hard for us adults to give them the time to heal from their grief by giving them what they need? Security, safety, stability, boundaries, love, attention and the feeling of being valued as a person.

Children will make relationships with their step parents in their own time and in their own way. They only have one set of biological parents in their lives, but they have the opportunity to be loved by many more people as time passes. No one will ever be Mom or Dad but Mom and Dad in a child's heart... period. But that doesn't mean that step parents can't be loved and valued for their ability to be a trusted friend or companion.

Making roles an issue over which to fight is a waste of time. No one will take the place of Mom or Dad in any child's heart. How many times have counselors watched an adult in their 60's sob as they talk about the love the wished they could have received from a deceased parent...

Let us have faith in ourselves and our relationship with our children. They need us and want us in their lives. They love us with all their hearts. Let us be there for them. Let us give them the love we were denied as a child. Let us give them what we were never able to receive. Let us be the one to break the chain of pain.

We are all well loved. Let's share that gift with our kids.

Our Rights and Responsibilities as Citizens

Two American journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, have been sentenced to twelve years hard labor in North Korea. Although there is the possibility that they may be pardoned as a result of diplomatic efforts in the weeks and months ahead, we cannot help but think of the terror that must exist within their hearts during this very dark time. We as a nation pray for their safe return.

This situation brings home the important point that we, America, must never again engage in the kind of inhumane treatment of prisoners that has occurred over the past seven years during the Bush/Cheney administration. The North Koreans arrested, charged, tried and convicted these two young women in a space of just a few months. We certainly have the ability to do the same here in the US. Holding detainees without charges for extended periods of time cannot be permitted. We must continue to be a beacon of enlightenment to the world, not a picture of hypocrisy. If people are arrested they should be charged, tried and either convicted or freed within a reasonable time period. No nation has the right to hold foreign nationals in limbo for indefinite periods of time.

Our nation was built to be an example of human rights and tolerance. We must rise to the occasion whether we are living in peace or not. Intolerance gives way to abuses of the kind we have seen over the past seven years. We do not live in isolation and can no longer afford to pretend that we have all the answers.

We the people of the United States have the right to speak our piece. We have the right and the responsibility to speak out when we find the conduct of our government unacceptable. The way we treat those who break our laws is a reflection of who we are within. When our government shames our citizens we must act to correct the situation. No one is exempt. Those who have broken the law must be shunned. They are an embarrassment to us, the people of the United States of America.

American Terrorism, AlQaida and the Taliban

The Taliban and AlQaida are intolerant groups of terrorist cells who band together to eradicate ideology that they find disagrees with their fundamental religious beliefs. They believe that those who practice different sets of religious principles are a threat to the safety of their society. They believe that justifies killing those who would threaten their way of life.

We here in America have found that to be intolerable. We have gone to war as a result of this ideology, costing thousands of lives, both American, Afghani, Pakistani and Iraqi in the process. We have denounced terrorism as a threat to global security and the possibility of peace in our world. We have stated that we as a nation believe in tolerance of all faiths and beliefs. It is what our country has stood for over the past two hundred plus years of its existence.

I now watch in horror as an American doctor is again assassinated. This time while attending church with his family. He was targeted by violent radical right wing conservative Christian based anti-abortion terrorist cells operating here in America. This is hardly the first assassination carried out by these cells whose repertoire include: repeated bombings, shootings, vandalism and death threats.

It is implausible to me that we are willing to enforce our beliefs that terrorism is unacceptable in the world arena with the lives of our military men and women, yet we take insufficient action here at home. We are more than capable of dismembering these cells here in America and letting those who encourage terrorism suffer the consequences of their actions.

This is not an anti-abortion or pro-choice issue. We cannot allow terrorism to survive here in America with regard to any issue. It is simply not acceptable for people who live in this country to decide to take matters into their own hands due to intolerance, prejudice, differences in ideology or just plain rage. Should we permit this type of behavior to go unpunished, we become that which we despise... a lawless state ruled by the ideology of the strict.

We cannot control what radical right wing media may state publicly, whether on radio, television or in print, but we can control how we participate in allowing them to reap profit based on our viewership. I suggest that whenever we frequent any establishment that airs radical right wing media in any form that we ask graciously that the channel be changed. Maybe if we, the citizens of America, finally refuse to listen to or watch the stoking of the flames of hatred and bigotry, those who perpetrate its message solely for ratings and monetary gain, will finally find something more productive to talk about.

Has our society degenerated into the same terrorism that we abhor in the Taliban and AlQaida?

Why Do You Talk To Me Like That?

Emotional abuse can be more difficult to detect and more damaging to our sense of self than physical abuse.

When we are being struck we can react to the immediacy of the threat. We are acutely aware of the risk to our safety. There is little doubt as to the violation we are experiencing. Physical violence generally occurs in relationships sporadically. There are episodes, followed by periods of calm which may extend for days, weeks or longer.

Emotional abuse is much more subtle. It generally involves denigrating comments, sarcastic or caustic remarks, or emotional absence. Since it may occur on a daily basis it is more insidious. It may involve a continuous stream of verbal degradation that erodes our self esteem like sand on a beach. Living in this environment of constant tension, the abused partner feels as though they are constantly walking on egg shells. Try as they may, the abuser finds reasons to continue the verbal onslaught.

The critical piece of the puzzle is the realization that abusers don't abuse because they are unhappy with their partner or any other part of their life, they abuse because they have lost touch with the part of themselves that recognizes and values others. This may be called self involvement, selfishness, lack of compassion, narcissism or immaturity. The truth is that the label is unimportant. The effect that the behavior has on the abused partner is traumatic.

One of the reasons that the effect is so marked is that abusers often appear emotionally available and empathetic during the courting phase of a relationship. When that phase ends and the abuse begins, partners often wish to believe that the real person, the one they loved during the courtship phase, is within. The partner may believe that the abuser will return to their former loving self when their conditions are met and demands satisfied.

This could not be further from the truth. The only way for an abuser to change their behavior is to recognize their lack of empathy for others and begin to see themselves as others do. Generally, abusers see themselves as victims and lash out in response. The efforts of their partner in telling them how their behavior affects the relationship feeds into the victim role and adds to the response of abuse.

The abused partner may eventually tire of continuously being berated and become angry or bitter. At this point stiff emotional penalties will become apparent within the relationship. The abused partner may announce a no tolerance policy and begin to avoid interactions. The abuser now faces a choice: change or lose the relationship.

Emotional abuse is one of the most difficult areas to clearly identify within relationships. There is never an acceptable reason or excuse for abuse. Each of us has a choice about how we interact with others. We may become angry or upset with those with whom we are in relationships, but we must choose not to allow ourselves to abuse or be abused. When we behave in concert with our inner values we will be at peace with ourselves and feel comfortable in our own skin. We use our tools to increase our self esteem, find our values and make quality decisions about how we want our relationships to function. In this way we give ourselves the gift of inner peace.

Impasse: What To Do Next

What do we do when we come to an impasse in a relationship? How to we decide what to do? Where can we go to find new ideas in a safe non-judgemental environment?

There may be times in our relationships when we cannot find agreement between ourselves and our partner regarding an important issue. When all of our efforts at communication have not brought us closer to resolution, we need a next step. Sometimes we may be unable to see our partners point of view. We may have tried listening, dialogue, taking time to process what our partner has shared, and trying to see the situation through our partners eyes. Both ourselves and our partner may have tried in vain to compromise.

There may be some issues which are important to both ourselves and our partner that resist all our attempts at effective communication and compromise. In these instances we may need a third party to get us unstuck. Even in the best of relationships there may be times when partners cannot find a way to resolve an important issue. There may be hesitance in asking family members for advice because one partner may fear family will takes sides. There may also be concerns regarding privacy due to the nature of the issues.

A counselor may be able to provide a fresh pair of eyes and ears to the situation. In a safe private environment, both parties may be able to air their differences regarding the issue at hand, along with their suggested solutions. Each of us may have an agenda during counseling, however, the overall agenda is to resolve the issue at hand and find a solution acceptable to all parties.

We may wish to have our partner agree to option A. Our partner may want us to agree to option B. Option C occurred to neither of us, but in fact meets both our needs. This is the benefit of getting input from an impartial third party. When we are honest and bring our hearts to the table with a clear agenda of making our relationship work, we will find the answers we seek. Often times partners only need a nudge in the right direction to be able to resolve seemingly unresolvable issues.

When we practice self care in our daily lives and continue to use our tools, we will see our relationships blossom. We may find we get stuck from time to time and seek the advice of our counselor. With consistent practice in using our tools, we increase our self esteem thereby increasing healthy inter-dependence in our relationships.

Addicted to Relationships

Relationships are all about connection. We humans crave connection so much that infants who are not touched lower their survival rate by significant percentages. Partnered men outlive single men. People in relationships report higher happiness levels overall than singles. Why do we crave connection? What drives us to be in a relationship?

Early humans lived in groups or clans. They did this for a variety of reasons, most of which were related to survival. A lone human had a much greater chance of being attacked by a predator than a group. Clans were capable of hunting larger prey as a result of group dynamics. Women found their roles as gatherers and mothers easier when shared. Humans could huddle together for warmth in cold climates. Procreation was easier in a group setting. These early groups became an extended family with leaders. This structure provided security and safety for members. Clans gave the group another important reason to stay - connection. The shared intimacy in these small groups gave members an emotional link to one another. This emotional bond created the feeling that the clan was a family and increased the odds of survival of the group. Those groups that survived as a result of emotional bonds are our ancestors.

We have evolved over the millennia in many ways, but the basic emotional structure of humans remains. We crave connection because it allows us to feel that we belong. This feeling of belonging creates emotional safety. We are at once part of a family and protected. This is especially true during childhood. Small children are completely dependent on caretakers for survival. In order to ensure the continuation of the human race, we are hard wired in both our DNA and neurological pathways to find pleasure in connection and to seek it. When we experience pleasure we secrete powerful chemicals in our brains that cause us to repeat the pleasurable experience. Our DNA causes us to seek connection instinctively. Our brains cause us to become biochemically addicted to the pleasurable feelings we derive from connection. We are literally addicted to our connections.

This addiction explains the intense emotional and physical response we may have when we lose an important connection, whether through death, long term physical separation or the ending of a relationship. We crave the biochemical substances that we produced through our connection. Over time we adjust to the loss as we increase the value of other connections in our lives to compensate.

Self Care in Tough Economic Times

Wall street has raped our economy and now we face the worst recession in decades. The nation pulls together behind our new President to try to keep the recession from becoming a depression. In the process, tens of thousand lose their jobs, their medical coverage, their retirement savings, their homes and their self respect. What do we do if this happens to us?

In the face of serious personal challenges we recognize that we are going to go through a process of grieving. A significant part of our self esteem is tied up in our ability to provide safety and support for ourselves and our families. The five stage grieving process involves steps that integrate the loss we have experienced into our persona. How we take care of ourselves during that process can be the difference between those of us who come out of the challenges whole, and those who don't.

We cannot change the fact that the economy is in the toilet or that we may have lost our job. We can only change how we respond to this dismal situation. Because many of us have families that rely upon us to provide, we may need support at this grave time from other bread winners who are in similar situations. Having a place to go for support cannot be overemphasized when disaster strikes. Although we may continue to look for work and may receive some interim assistance from families, churches, charities or the government, we still must face the internal struggle that accompany such a severe loss. Our self esteem has suffered a blow that cannot be minimized.

At times such as these it is imperative that we use our tools, acquire new tools to help us through these difficult economic times, and ask for help. There is no shame in allowing others to aid us in an emergency. There are support groups forming through employment services, unions, churches and the like. We know in our hearts that we would certainly do the same for another if the situation were reversed. We must keep this in mind as we weather the economic storm.

Journaling

One of the most useful tools in our bag is journaling. Writing down how we think and feel preserves a moment in time. We can use this tool to clarify our views on an issue with which we are struggling. We can use it to vent when we are angry. We can use it when we need to express grief over a loss. We can use it to soothe ourselves when we are scared. Since our journal is completely private, we can use it to express feelings to others in a safe environment where we are not judged or criticized. We can even use it to express joy when we are happy.

Journaling gives us the opportunity to save our thoughts and feelings in a moment when we may be overwhelmed by emotion or confusion. We then take some time for self care, bringing us back to our center. Our journal becomes an opportunity to return to our entry later when we feel calm and centered and can process our feelings more fully with both our intellect and emotions. In this way we give ourselves the gift of time. Time to become ready to deal with the issues that have presented themselves. Many of life's challenges are areas where no solution is readily apparent. Often, through journaling, we can develop a changed paradigm where we can see a wider view. Through this process we become more holistic, more able to see the world through the eyes of others.

As we practice journaling we will develop a record of our progress and growth. Without a written record, we might be unable to see ourselves in a new light, as personal change and growth happens slowly and is often invisible to ourselves. Through our journal entries we can travel back through our past selves and witness the changes in our thinking and emotional response. This is another gift we give ourselves through the tools of self care and journaling.