The Rules

Disagreements in relationships are normal. Life would be boring if we were all the same and agreed on everything. There would be no growth... no challenges... we would learn nothing from our interactions with one another.

Fighting... when partners follow the rules... can be productive when it's used to clear the air and settle a disagreement that is highly charged. It isn't the best way to communicate, but happens even in the best of relationships and at times is a necessary form of settling disputes... so long as partners follow the rules.

Rules:

No name calling
Stick to the subject
No bringing up past mistakes
No screaming or yelling
No disparaging remarks
No involving other parties (so and so said this or that...)
If tempers flare, take a time out and return when both parties are cool headed and centered, ready to talk

This may sound impossible...or at the very least incredibly difficult to do but it's not. It's a decision to treat your partner with the same dignity and grace... even when you're angry... that you would offer to a stranger you met in church. When partners agree to follow these rules and make it a habit... many things that should never be said... aren't. And that saves both parties a whole lot of hurt feelings and resentments.

Remember... it only gets hard to follow these rules when we are overwhelmed and out of control. If we practice self care and don't take on responsibilities that aren't ours to begin with, we will feel balanced and centered rather than used and unappreciated.

If we are feeling a great deal of resentment and anger toward our partner we may need to first do some journaling and clarify exactly what is bothering us. We then sit down with our partner when we are calm and share our feelings in a non-threatening way using "I" statements (ie: I feel ___ when you ___) instead of "you" statements (You always... you never) which communicate blame rather than feelings and put our partner on the defensive.

Learning appropriate communication isn't easy... it's a habit that needs to be repeated over and over to become a part of us... but it's so worth it. Our relationships improve dramatically when we learn to communicate in a non-threatening way. We invite our partner to share with us when we listen twice as much as we talk... thereby giving our partner a chance to share their feelings with us as well. These small changes communicate that we value our partner as equal human beings and that they are important to us.

Some of us may have learned that total honesty in a relationship included saying whatever came into our heads when we are angry or upset. This couldn't be farther from the truth. We must learn to use discernment to evaluate whether what we are feeling is accurate or not... whether what we are upset about is important in the grand scheme of things... or not... and choose our words wisely. We must remember that we are talking to someone who is our most valued and trusted friend... our best friend... and our words and actions should reflect that fact.

Always keep your words soft and sweet in case you have to eat them later.

HANDBOOK FOR 2010

HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1. Drink plenty of clean fresh water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food manufactured in plants.
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy.
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for at least 7 hours.
10.Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk... smile.

Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey entails.
12. Don't invest in negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Live in the present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep within your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you truly need.
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of mistakes.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Smile and laugh more.
23. You don't have to win every argument. Learn to agree to disagree.

Society:
24. Call your family often.
25. Be charitable... each day give something to others.
26. Forgive easily and anger slowly.
27. Spend time with people over 70 & under 6 whenever you can.
28. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
29. What other people think of you is less important than what you think of yourself.
30. Your job won't care for you when you are sick or lonely. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
31. Do the right thing!
32. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, meaningful or joyful.
33. Our higher power heals everything.
34. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
35. No matter how you feel, get up, shower, get dressed and show up.
36. The best is yet to come.
37. When you awake alive in the morning, be grateful.
38. Your inner being strives to be happy. So, be happy.
39. Share your vision with others.
40. And finally... Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Challenges are part of the curriculum but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

Am I a Support or a Burden?

How we cope when our partner is having a rough day is important. Are we a person who helps make the difficulties lighter? Or are we someone who drags our partner down even more when times are hard for them?

We may not always have a choice about what happens in a day, but we have a choice in how we respond to the presenting challenge. We can meet challenges with gratefulness, realizing that we are learning a necessary lesson for our or our partners growth. Or, we can meet it with angst and hostility, feeling resentment that our plans have been altered against our wishes.

How we respond when our partner is wrestling with an issue is vital. If we maintain our composure, keep our response appropriate yet positive and try to see the benefit, we can enhance our partners surroundings.

If we succumb to the temptation to wallow in self pity and regret we may add fuel to our partners fire, possibly helping to derail their attempt to maintain composure. Or, worse yet, we may become an additional challenge in their day.

The last thing we want to do is to make our partners day more difficult when they are already stressed out about a challenge they are facing. One of the purposes of a relationship is to be a support to one another when difficulties arise. Our role of supporter is never more vital than at a time when our partner is in crisis.

We use our tools to remain centered, exercise patience, exhibit compassion and offer our assistance when appropriate. In this way we allow our partner the space and time necessary to solve their own challenges, while remaining available, should the need arise for our help to be requested. In this way we give our partner the gift of support.

Am I Practicing Self Care or Being Selfish?

Can self care become selfishness? How do we keep ourselves in balance?

Self care is an important part of our recovery effort. We learn to care for ourselves. We set effective boundaries, avoid the drama of others, stay balanced and keep ourselves from becoming overwhelmed in the face of lifes challenges. We practice discernment, use our tools to cope effectively, and in the process increase our self esteem.

As we begin to practice self care and learn to set effective boundaries we change. That change brings discomfort to our partner. We are no longer willing to do things that our partner can and should do for themselves. As a result, we begin to receive change back messages from our partner. This is their response to the stress our changes bring into their life. We exercise patience, showing our partner our committment to our recovery and allowing them the time to catch up. We use discernment to detect when we are being drawn into the drama of others, keeping ourselves in balance. When we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed as a result of the strength of our emotions, we use our tools to bring ourselves back into balance, recognizing that we cannot effectively help our partner to cope when we ourselves are overwhelmed.

As long as our self care is focused on achieving balance for the purpose of being able to be emotionally present in our relationship with our partner, as well as for our overall health, we will be practicing self care and not selfishness. When we allow our defense mechanisms and fear to control us, we lose sight of healthy boundaries and begin to focus too much on ourselves and our issues. When that happens too often, we may fail to be emotionally present for our partner and our relationship. We cannot be centered at all times, but we can strive for balance in a consistent manner.

During our growth and change our partner may feel unsure of our relationship. We take the initiative, reaffirming our love and devotion to both our partner and our relationship, allowing our partner to take these new patterns of interacting in stride. We recall that change creates discomfort and unease and give our partner plenty of time and the space necessary to adapt.

As we walk our path of recovery we find that we take three steps forward and two back testing our resolve and misstepping frequently. We will learn slowly, carefully, in our own time, how to maintain balance without seeming insensitive or too self involved. Recovery may not be easy, but we find that the rewards are well worth the effort as we feel our self esteem grow stronger day by day.

The Truth or A Lie? A Quandary!

What would happen if we never told any lies at all, if we answered every question with complete honesty? Would we be able to maintain our relationships?

Our partner asks us if their clothes look attractive... we look and see that the colors they have chosen make their skin look drab and dull. We stop and think... do we tell them the truth? Or do we say something nice so they feel good. We value honesty... but we also value compassion... we have a decision to make. If we tell the truth our partner has the opportunity to change their clothes and look better. We might hurt our partners feelings in the process. If we don't tell the truth we tell a lie and break our promise of honesty. A real quandary exists. What is more important... truth or compassion?

Our boss asks us if we have time available to complete a special project that will earn us the chance for a promotion in our firm. We are up to our eyeballs in alligators and don't even have time for the work load we already have on our desk. Do we tell the truth and turn down the opportunity for possible advancement? Or do we tell a lie and take on the additional work knowing we will have to work nights and weekends without pay to make up the time? Which is more important... truth or advancement?

In each of these situations we have decisions to make regarding events that occur in everyday life. We are often asked for our input by our partner in decisions that may affect their self esteem. In many instances we opt for compassion over truth. We do this because we are interested in enhancing our partner's self worth. We may decide that telling the truth would offer no gain in the relationship, whereas giving a compassionate answer may keep their self esteem intact over an unimportant issue.

When we are asked by our boss to take on additional responsibility we realize that we are being offered an opportunity to show leadership and the capability to handle a more complex workload. Since we are interested in promotions we take on the challenge even though it involves telling our boss a lie. We understand that we must invest the hours to make the decision work to our benefit. We choose the route to advancement over telling the truth.

In both of these instances we may have opted to tell a lie rather than the truth. We have weighed the value of honesty against compassion in one instance and against the chance for promotion in the other. Is it impossible to be completely honest in our day to day lives? Can we maintain our integrity and be compassionate at the same time?

As we learn the art of interacting with others during our formative years we begin a process we will continue over our lifetime of weighing and balancing truth with the need to be compassionate toward others. As we enter the business world and begin our career we learn that honesty must be weighed against our desire for advancement.

Although we long to live by our virtue of integrity, we learn that basic human interactions are complex and cannot survive well in a world built solely on truth. Compassion may require us not disclose certain facts. The need for advancement may overshadow our need to be completely honest. As long as we continue to weigh each decision individually with compassion and the ultimate desire to be as honest as possible we will continue to display compassion and dedication in our daily lives.

There is, of course, inherent danger in telling any lies, no matter how small or insignificant we may think they are at the time. We must never confuse blind ambition with dedication. We must never confuse selfish needs over compassion. So long as we are able to keep our perspective and be mindful of our responsibility to ourselves and others we will remain healthy and balanced in all our relationships.

Does Our Relationship Need A Patch?

What do we do when we hit a rough patch in our relationship? How do we make it through to the other side?

All long term committed relationships find they hit difficult times at some point. Partners suffer disappointments in their lives and these effect the relationship. Health issues can cause much stress and strain during times of illness, whether it's a member of the partnership or an extended family member. Body changes that occur during menopause and andropause may cause challenging times within a relationship. There may be times when one or both of the partners suffers the loss of a loved one. All these situations have the capacity to temporarily derail the partnership.

How do we get back on track? What can we do to minimize the damage? How do we support our partner, or garner support when we need it?

The key to getting out relationship back on track is regaining our balance. Life is not always easy or fair. This is a truism that each of us comes to accept in our own time. Wonderful people get horrible diseases and die young. Cruel people may benefit via the destruction of others throughout their lifetimes. The hardest thing about life is accepting reality when we don't like it. This is what each of us will face at some point in our lives.

We regain our balance by practicing acceptance and gratitude. There is always something to be grateful for in our daily lives. We try our best to focus on those things. We practice empathy and compassion for our partner as they struggle with their issues or losses. Change and the ensuing adjustment to those changes is difficult and painful. We do the best that we can to offer comfort and compassion to our partner as they face reality. This does not mean that we become another's doormat. We continue to practice self care, recognizing that healthy boundaries are an integral part of our healthy relationship. We may decide to overlook some unhealthy behaviors in an attempt to be compassionate, so long as they do not affect our self esteem.

When we are the one facing difficult times we try to be as calm as possible. We explain our situation in as much detail as we can to our partner, so as to provide them with the necessary information to cope with our difficulty. We try to be specific in our request for support letting our needs be known and not assuming that our partner will know what to do to help us. When we need to vent or be heard we explain that we don't actually need our partner to do anything but listen and be empathetic. In this way we free our partner from feeling impotent in the situation. We take time each day to practice self care, especially paying attention to our stress levels and using our tools (meditation, breathing, guided imagery, pampering) to manage them within acceptable limits.

When the challenges have passed the key to regaining intimacy and balance is gratefulness. We make sure we share with our partner how important their support has been throughout the ordeal, noting specific instances where their efforts have produced positive results for us. This type of validation and appreciation brings closure to the event and gives the supporting partner the proverbial shot in the arm they deserve for standing by us throughout the ordeal.

Compassion and empathy displayed often yields compassion and empathy returned. We attract what we are... not what we want. As long as we remember this ultimate truth we will be clear about how we are to behave in our relationships.

Being the Right Person

The key to succeeding in any relationship is not finding the right person, it's being the right person.

That is a powerful statement. Many of us go through life looking for Mr. or Ms. Right. We scour the night time scene, go out with a myriad of folks, suffer through endless blind dates and end up no further along than when we began. We have missed the most important point of all.

We attract not what we want, but who we are. As we think carefully about that statement we wonder... Would I want to date myself? Would I make a good partner? Am I a person I would want to be with in a relationship?

When we finally do find a partner and enter into a relationship, we may find it challenging over time to maintain the happiness we first discovered together. When that happens it is easy to point fingers at our partner and blame them for the challenges we face. When we are busy looking at another and blaming them for the problems we share, we have no energy left to look at ourselves and see our part in the conflict.

We must recall that no one is blameless when conflict arise in a relationship. Each of us has our part and must take responsibility for what we have or have not done to make the relationship work.

One of the primary areas we work at is personal growth. We have a lifetime dedicated to this task. We practice the art of self care and recovery daily. We continue to use our tools to see ourselves in the clearest light while learning to exercise discernment regarding our behavior and those with whom we associate. As we learn to trust ourselves and our ability to assess situations accurately, our self esteem increases. In this way we give ourselves the gift of sound judgement.

Processing Grief

Working through grief is one of the most difficult challenges we face in our lives. When we lose someone we love, whether through death, divorce or simply a relationship that ends, we can feel a great deal of pain and anguish. It may be helpful during grieving to be aware that there is a range of reactions, and that all may be part of the process.

Initially there is a reaction of shock at the severity of the loss. We may embrace denial in the form of, "Why is this happening to me?". Our feelings may be numb or we may not yet fully comprehend the loss itself. Wishing to return to life before the loss is a common response as well. The overwhelming pain has not been fully processed at this stage. Denial is our defense mechanism protecting our psyche from the full brunt of the loss.

Eventually we can no longer deny what has happened. At this point we may begin to feel angry. We may be angry at the person we have lost, angry with our higher power, angry with other loved ones in our lives for their perceived part in the loss. We may remain angry for an extended period of time as we grapple with the seriousness of what has transpired. Anger too is a defense against the overwhelming feelings of loss.

After a time of extended anger we may move into bargaining. We are trying to mitigate the loss. This is a time of rationalizing and trading. If we have lost someone we love we may attempt reconciliation even if it is against our best interest to do so. If someone has passed away we may attempt in vain to bargain with our higher power for their return.

When we have passed the stage of needing our defense mechanisms and are finally faced with the full brunt of our loss we face depression. We may feel incredibly sad, hopeless, numb, filled with despair or even suicidal at times. We are overwhelmed with grief and the loss of both the person, and the dreams and hopes we held onto in the relationship. This is an extremely painful and vulnerable time. We may need help at this juncture to cope with the extent of the loss. It is important that we allow ourselves to grieve and give ourselves time to heal our wounds.

Finally we come to acceptance. We cannot change what has happened. We take the best memories we have and continue with our lives. If we have lost someone we love due to divorce or the ending of a relationship this may be the time we come to terms with the facts. We let go of blame and retribution and begin the process of healing in earnest. If someone has passed away we enjoy the memories we have of the wonderful times we shared while they were on this earth. In this way we keep their memory alive in our hearts and keep them close to us in thought.

The transition from relationship to loss can be overwhelming and painful. We do not have to make the journey alone. There are support groups available at most major hospitals and religious institutions. There is support in counseling and online. Trying to handle grief alone may be overwhelming and lead to isolation and long term depression.

It is common to feel like we may not survive serious loss, but we will begin to feel better. We may find we have mostly sad days initially, but over time we will begin to have better days until finally we have settled into our lives again. With the help of our family, friends, support system and our higher power we will triumph over loss and once again feel a part of life.

Keeping Our Relationships Out of the Toilet When the Economy Tanks

What do we do when the economy is causing our partner to go through difficult times? How can we be supportive? How can we use these times to promote trust and intimacy in our relationship?

The economy is in a downward spiral causing increased pressure at most companies. The amount of incoming work has decreased as customers tighten their belts and brace for tough times ahead. This creates tension in employees as they worry if their jobs are on the line. Since many of us view ourselves largely through our success at work, this increased stress can impact our relationships both at the office and at home.

Our partner may have significant feelings of helplessness during times such as these. Being a family member and part of the team of providers in a home, creates responsibilities that are taken seriously by both partners. Particularly for men, for whom work may be a major part of their identity, feeling powerless to stave off an impending loss of income may be extremely distressing. Women's identities are also attached to their careers, however, a significant portion of their view of themselves may come from their home lives, where they care for their families.

In either situation, being supportive of a partner is distress is an extremely important part of relationships. We enter into a relationship with the hope that we have found a partner in life. Someone who will stand by us in times of joy and in challenging times. We hope that we can count on our partner to be understanding and compassionate when disaster strikes.

How do we accomplish this task? It is our responsibility in our relationship to view our partner as a whole person. Someone who, like us, has issues and problems. When we accept that each of us is human and may suffer during difficult times, we can be empathetic. Stress created during economic downturns is likely not the fault of any family member. We can offer a sympathetic ear, lighten the mood with humor, try to plan inexpensive fun activities and make the best of our time together.

If our partner's suffering begins to impact the relationship a discussion may be in order. We cannot allow walls to be built during times of stress when partners need each other's support the most. We must take the inititative and reach out to open lines of communication. Listening attentively while a partner airs their concerns, offering support and asking pertinent questions to encourage further exploration of feelings are all ways of increasing connection and decreasing tension and frustration. Some partners may need additional time with hobbies for relaxation and reflection.

If partners cannot bridge the tension a session with a relationship counselor may be of help. Often times partners are stuck in a myopic view and merely need a disinterested third party to show them a new way of viewing their situation. Taking action to protect the relationship is vital. Building bridges, not walls, is the goal in healthy relationships.

These difficult economic times will eventually pass. Once the markets have grown through the challenges and customers have regained their confidence in spending, tensions at work will ease. In the interim we use our tools, practice self care, support our partner and protect our relationships through open communication.

Why Are There Sooo Many Lessons!!!

There are times when we all wish we could hit Ctrl - Alt -Del and reboot ourselves. Would it be useful to be able to wipe out our memory of painful past events? There are times when we might wish for the ability to delete portions of our past. Part of the recovery process is accepting that all of our past has combined to make us the person we are becoming. We cannot yet know the outcome of our combined experiences. Like the tree that has lost its shape, we may need pruning to regain our inner beauty.

Each of our experiences, whether pleasant or otherwise has been purposeful. It has presented a lesson to us. Whether we choose to learn the lesson is up to us. Lessons that we need are presented to us repeatedly until we acknowledge and learn from them. Many times we may ask why a particular situation seems to occur again and again in our lives. We are being presented with a lesson that is important for our growth and balance as healthy persons. It is acceptable for us to lose, just don't let us lose the lesson.

As we grow in our recovery and study our past we may notice a pattern emerging. An example of what might happen: a moderately uncomfortable lesson may be presented to us early in our lives. We are unaware and miss the point of the lesson. The next time that same lesson presents itself, it is more difficult. We struggle against the path placed before us and again miss the teachings of the lesson. A third time the lesson is revealed. This time the pain demands our attention. We can no longer ignore the point of the lesson.

Early in our lives we may not have had the tools to identify and learn from the lessons we faced. If we lived in a dysfunctional environment we may not have had examples from our caretakers regarding challenges and how to learn from the lessons they teach. We can forgive ourselves for missing our earliest lessons.

As we become aware of our path and notice the subtle lessons presenting themselves, we can choose early on to accept the teachings. If we are diligent in pursuing our lessons, we may avoid some of the more painful experiences that may come from ignoring the challenges along our path. Life is a series of lessons to be learned as we progress along our path of recovery. This is what creates wisdom. As we gather wisdom it is our choice to integrate what we have learned into our self image. The more adept we become at learning our lessons the greater our self esteem.

As we walk the path set before us we practice forgiveness toward ourselves and others for the lessons missed. We can relax and trust in our higher power knowing that those teachings that are necessary for our continued growth will be repeated.

Self Care in Tough Economic Times

Wall street has raped our economy and now we face the worst recession in decades. The nation pulls together behind our new President to try to keep the recession from becoming a depression. In the process, tens of thousand lose their jobs, their medical coverage, their retirement savings, their homes and their self respect. What do we do if this happens to us?

In the face of serious personal challenges we recognize that we are going to go through a process of grieving. A significant part of our self esteem is tied up in our ability to provide safety and support for ourselves and our families. The five stage grieving process involves steps that integrate the loss we have experienced into our persona. How we take care of ourselves during that process can be the difference between those of us who come out of the challenges whole, and those who don't.

We cannot change the fact that the economy is in the toilet or that we may have lost our job. We can only change how we respond to this dismal situation. Because many of us have families that rely upon us to provide, we may need support at this grave time from other bread winners who are in similar situations. Having a place to go for support cannot be overemphasized when disaster strikes. Although we may continue to look for work and may receive some interim assistance from families, churches, charities or the government, we still must face the internal struggle that accompany such a severe loss. Our self esteem has suffered a blow that cannot be minimized.

At times such as these it is imperative that we use our tools, acquire new tools to help us through these difficult economic times, and ask for help. There is no shame in allowing others to aid us in an emergency. There are support groups forming through employment services, unions, churches and the like. We know in our hearts that we would certainly do the same for another if the situation were reversed. We must keep this in mind as we weather the economic storm.

Ask for Help

So often in our daily lives we encounter difficult situations that require we make a choice. Some choices are clear. Others require deliberation. We may want to mull over our options prior to committing to a path. We have many tools available to assist us in choosing. One tool at our disposal is: we can ask for help.

Too many times when challenges come before us we feel we must carry the burden of choosing alone. Society indicates through advertisement and marketing that somehow we are inept if we cannot decide an issue on our own. Some of us have been taught through our family of origin that asking for help will result in being shamed. We are now capable of making informed decisions about who it is safe to ask for help. We can trust our instincts and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. It is not necessary for us to pretend to know what to do in every situation. Perfection is not the goal.

There are areas in which each of us excel. Sharing our knowledge and abilities enables each of us to be stronger individuals. As we come in contact with others in our daily lives we have the opportunity to learn from each of them. Some contacts will teach us lessons about life, some interactions will give us insights into ourselves. Still some will cause us to suffer some unpleasantness. All these situations are presented to us as learning experiences from which we can benefit. We can choose to be open and allow ourselves to absorb the lessons that have been put before us.

Our goal is to take the information learned from each interaction and somehow incorporate it into our lives. In this way we grow and change. This is the path on which we encourage those around us to seek a more enlightened route for their lives. We become an example of recovery. Through using our tools we give ourselves the gift of improved self esteem and growth.

Disappointment

So often in our daily lives we suffer disappointments. How we respond rather than react makes all the difference in how we view these challenges. We cannot control the behaviors of others. We can only control how we respond to what happens. We always have a choice... to react and let our overwhelmed feelings cause us to lose control in that moment. Or to respond... taking a moment to detach, breathe, assess and decide with our intellect how we wish to proceed. Responding appropriately to challenging situations doesn't lessen the difficulties they present, however, it does allow us to maintain our dignity and think through our behavior. We give ourselves the gift of time. Time to reflect... even for a moment... on the consequences of our choices, the words we choose to use to handle our dilemma, and the ability to process the feelings we have in the present moment so that we may move forward in a responsible manner. The word response-able says much... the ability to respond. This is a tool we can use in our daily lives to enhance the quality of our interactions and our self esteem. As we respond more and react less, we feel better about ourselves and our sense of personal control.