"Happiness isn't out there, it's in here", she said pointing to her chest.
A profound statement. Being happy is not something we aspire to once we get our to do list completed. Happiness is not what we get when we find the one. We don't suddenly become happy when we are in the right relationship with the right partner living in the right house with the right kids and the right dog.
Happiness is an inside job. It's something we make our personal responsibility to work on every day. Some of us are more optimistic than others. We see the glass as half full. We see the silver lining in the clouds. We give people some slack. That doesn't mean that we don't have to make an effort to be happy. It just means that for us, maybe its a little easier. It may even mean that we are more willing to do what it takes to see the better side of life. We are more willing to be ahead of the weather rather than under the weather.
Much of the way we see life comes from our family of origin. We learn from our caretakers by watching how they deal with adversity. When our caretakers have the ability to rebound from setbacks and keep on keepin' on, we learn that lesson. We learn to use our struggle muscle.
We all have setbacks and disappointments in life. Our ability to bounce back and regain our balance is of prime importance in our ability to be happy. When we can take a trial in stride and either try again or learn from it, our self esteem increases. We see ourselves in a positive light, as triumphant. We all get knocked down on occasion. Our ability to get back up and keep on our path is key to our sense of value and our happiness.
When we are living our lives in sync with our personal values and goals we will feel our best. We may have setbacks and disappointments along the road, but if we are happy within ourselves we will be able to regain our balance and continue along our chosen path. We practice self care in our daily lives to increase our self esteem and improve our ability to bounce back from setbacks. As we use our tools and move along our chosen path, we have faith that we are not alone. We walk with may others who use the same tools. In this way our efforts yield us our ultimate gift, happiness.
Showing posts with label struggles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label struggles. Show all posts
Monday, May 25, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Why Are There Sooo Many Lessons!!!
There are times when we all wish we could hit Ctrl - Alt -Del and reboot ourselves. Would it be useful to be able to wipe out our memory of painful past events? There are times when we might wish for the ability to delete portions of our past. Part of the recovery process is accepting that all of our past has combined to make us the person we are becoming. We cannot yet know the outcome of our combined experiences. Like the tree that has lost its shape, we may need pruning to regain our inner beauty.
Each of our experiences, whether pleasant or otherwise has been purposeful. It has presented a lesson to us. Whether we choose to learn the lesson is up to us. Lessons that we need are presented to us repeatedly until we acknowledge and learn from them. Many times we may ask why a particular situation seems to occur again and again in our lives. We are being presented with a lesson that is important for our growth and balance as healthy persons. It is acceptable for us to lose, just don't let us lose the lesson.
As we grow in our recovery and study our past we may notice a pattern emerging. An example of what might happen: a moderately uncomfortable lesson may be presented to us early in our lives. We are unaware and miss the point of the lesson. The next time that same lesson presents itself, it is more difficult. We struggle against the path placed before us and again miss the teachings of the lesson. A third time the lesson is revealed. This time the pain demands our attention. We can no longer ignore the point of the lesson.
Early in our lives we may not have had the tools to identify and learn from the lessons we faced. If we lived in a dysfunctional environment we may not have had examples from our caretakers regarding challenges and how to learn from the lessons they teach. We can forgive ourselves for missing our earliest lessons.
As we become aware of our path and notice the subtle lessons presenting themselves, we can choose early on to accept the teachings. If we are diligent in pursuing our lessons, we may avoid some of the more painful experiences that may come from ignoring the challenges along our path. Life is a series of lessons to be learned as we progress along our path of recovery. This is what creates wisdom. As we gather wisdom it is our choice to integrate what we have learned into our self image. The more adept we become at learning our lessons the greater our self esteem.
As we walk the path set before us we practice forgiveness toward ourselves and others for the lessons missed. We can relax and trust in our higher power knowing that those teachings that are necessary for our continued growth will be repeated.
Each of our experiences, whether pleasant or otherwise has been purposeful. It has presented a lesson to us. Whether we choose to learn the lesson is up to us. Lessons that we need are presented to us repeatedly until we acknowledge and learn from them. Many times we may ask why a particular situation seems to occur again and again in our lives. We are being presented with a lesson that is important for our growth and balance as healthy persons. It is acceptable for us to lose, just don't let us lose the lesson.
As we grow in our recovery and study our past we may notice a pattern emerging. An example of what might happen: a moderately uncomfortable lesson may be presented to us early in our lives. We are unaware and miss the point of the lesson. The next time that same lesson presents itself, it is more difficult. We struggle against the path placed before us and again miss the teachings of the lesson. A third time the lesson is revealed. This time the pain demands our attention. We can no longer ignore the point of the lesson.
Early in our lives we may not have had the tools to identify and learn from the lessons we faced. If we lived in a dysfunctional environment we may not have had examples from our caretakers regarding challenges and how to learn from the lessons they teach. We can forgive ourselves for missing our earliest lessons.
As we become aware of our path and notice the subtle lessons presenting themselves, we can choose early on to accept the teachings. If we are diligent in pursuing our lessons, we may avoid some of the more painful experiences that may come from ignoring the challenges along our path. Life is a series of lessons to be learned as we progress along our path of recovery. This is what creates wisdom. As we gather wisdom it is our choice to integrate what we have learned into our self image. The more adept we become at learning our lessons the greater our self esteem.
As we walk the path set before us we practice forgiveness toward ourselves and others for the lessons missed. We can relax and trust in our higher power knowing that those teachings that are necessary for our continued growth will be repeated.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Self Care in Tough Economic Times
Wall street has raped our economy and now we face the worst recession in decades. The nation pulls together behind our new President to try to keep the recession from becoming a depression. In the process, tens of thousand lose their jobs, their medical coverage, their retirement savings, their homes and their self respect. What do we do if this happens to us?
In the face of serious personal challenges we recognize that we are going to go through a process of grieving. A significant part of our self esteem is tied up in our ability to provide safety and support for ourselves and our families. The five stage grieving process involves steps that integrate the loss we have experienced into our persona. How we take care of ourselves during that process can be the difference between those of us who come out of the challenges whole, and those who don't.
We cannot change the fact that the economy is in the toilet or that we may have lost our job. We can only change how we respond to this dismal situation. Because many of us have families that rely upon us to provide, we may need support at this grave time from other bread winners who are in similar situations. Having a place to go for support cannot be overemphasized when disaster strikes. Although we may continue to look for work and may receive some interim assistance from families, churches, charities or the government, we still must face the internal struggle that accompany such a severe loss. Our self esteem has suffered a blow that cannot be minimized.
At times such as these it is imperative that we use our tools, acquire new tools to help us through these difficult economic times, and ask for help. There is no shame in allowing others to aid us in an emergency. There are support groups forming through employment services, unions, churches and the like. We know in our hearts that we would certainly do the same for another if the situation were reversed. We must keep this in mind as we weather the economic storm.
In the face of serious personal challenges we recognize that we are going to go through a process of grieving. A significant part of our self esteem is tied up in our ability to provide safety and support for ourselves and our families. The five stage grieving process involves steps that integrate the loss we have experienced into our persona. How we take care of ourselves during that process can be the difference between those of us who come out of the challenges whole, and those who don't.
We cannot change the fact that the economy is in the toilet or that we may have lost our job. We can only change how we respond to this dismal situation. Because many of us have families that rely upon us to provide, we may need support at this grave time from other bread winners who are in similar situations. Having a place to go for support cannot be overemphasized when disaster strikes. Although we may continue to look for work and may receive some interim assistance from families, churches, charities or the government, we still must face the internal struggle that accompany such a severe loss. Our self esteem has suffered a blow that cannot be minimized.
At times such as these it is imperative that we use our tools, acquire new tools to help us through these difficult economic times, and ask for help. There is no shame in allowing others to aid us in an emergency. There are support groups forming through employment services, unions, churches and the like. We know in our hearts that we would certainly do the same for another if the situation were reversed. We must keep this in mind as we weather the economic storm.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Intimacy
One of the most sought after ideals in the human condition is intimacy. We yearn to have another truly know us. Yet at the same time we are desperately afraid to be seen. This harsh reality is the cause of many relationship struggles. We come together then pull apart. We desire time with others, then move away to soothe ourselves. In the dance of intimacy there is the unspoken two step that we unconsciously complete as we glide along. We often participate in the dance without even knowing it. We move in concert with our partner as though we were trained together.
Why then does the dance cause so much pain and drama in our daily lives? As we come together we feel the rush of closeness and the promise of joy that intimacy holds. We revel in the moment. But we cannot sustain the level of intimacy without feeling the fear that we somehow, will be lost. In reaction we pull back, gasping for personal space. Our instinctive reaction to pull away is our survival mechanism preserving our individuality. Intimacy at this level cannot be sustained for more than mere moments at a time. If we lived constantly at this energy level we would be exhausted.
So why does the coming apart cause so much drama and feelings of loss? Our expectations are the root of the challenge. We do not always understand the necessity of individuality. In our search for intimacy and connection we often feel that we must remain connected at all times to be whole. This is certainly not the case. In order to be two whole individuals, we must come apart to live our own lives and bring new experiences and ideas back to the joining. We must pull away to again rejoin. This time of separation allows us to live our own experiences, increase our self esteem and come back together with more to offer our partner. The synergy of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. As we increase our self worth through self care and using our tools, we increase the value of our intimate relationships. This is a gift we give ourselves, intimacy.
Why then does the dance cause so much pain and drama in our daily lives? As we come together we feel the rush of closeness and the promise of joy that intimacy holds. We revel in the moment. But we cannot sustain the level of intimacy without feeling the fear that we somehow, will be lost. In reaction we pull back, gasping for personal space. Our instinctive reaction to pull away is our survival mechanism preserving our individuality. Intimacy at this level cannot be sustained for more than mere moments at a time. If we lived constantly at this energy level we would be exhausted.
So why does the coming apart cause so much drama and feelings of loss? Our expectations are the root of the challenge. We do not always understand the necessity of individuality. In our search for intimacy and connection we often feel that we must remain connected at all times to be whole. This is certainly not the case. In order to be two whole individuals, we must come apart to live our own lives and bring new experiences and ideas back to the joining. We must pull away to again rejoin. This time of separation allows us to live our own experiences, increase our self esteem and come back together with more to offer our partner. The synergy of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. As we increase our self worth through self care and using our tools, we increase the value of our intimate relationships. This is a gift we give ourselves, intimacy.
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